5/2/2013
It was cold out there. My hands, my ears, my nose. It felt dark and dreary.
I'm thinking of this, this cancer. I've seen it before, my Great
Grandma died of it. I remember her not remembering me. I remember how
hollow her skeleton was when i held her. These things I should not
think at school.
Then I hear cars rushing and some one in class breaking the rules by
talking to some one else. I feel the sun. It feels like there's a
whole other world out there.
I am in here and it is out there and I feel no connection to it.
I keep thinking of cold. Cold from the inside out, the kind that isn't
helped by wearing boots and gloves and coats. The kind of cold that is
so deep in me I feel there's no way to get it out.
I need to get it out but am unsure of how to get it out.
People say sorry. They tell me to take care of myself. I'm the
caretaker!! At home in michigan, I care for them! So how do I care for
myself here?
What am I supposed to do?
Has participating in this exercise changed over the course of the semester?
If I step outside myself long enough I'd say yes. I'm not exactly sure
how, but I feel more awakened and aware.
My counselor told me I have hypersenses. I sense everything and
everyone and then overload on it like a drug. That was something else
I contemplated during this walking exercise and I'm certain she's
right. It would definitely explain this over emotionality I've been
displaying off and on for my entire life.
It feels good to have an answer, or at least a ghost of one.
I am changed though. I'm starting to acknowledge things in myself I
wouldn't before. I also notice more things. Cars, water raining down
on us, then that little drip drop thing it does when it falls from a
leaf on a branch. So yes, it has changed and so have I.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Class Journal: A Mystical Experience
4/18
Voice,
roaring, raging!
Ripping through my world of hell!
He connects me!
Voice II
Quiet, calming. . .
He whispers sweet nothings,
I sing with him, sway along,
then suddenly awaken!
I stand bolt upright and realize,
I have stopped singing!
I am lost in his words, not even the words,
But the tone, the breath, his vocal chords. . .
He caresses me with those vocal chords as this realization sinks into me.
Voice,
roaring, raging!
Ripping through my world of hell!
He connects me!
Voice II
Quiet, calming. . .
He whispers sweet nothings,
I sing with him, sway along,
then suddenly awaken!
I stand bolt upright and realize,
I have stopped singing!
I am lost in his words, not even the words,
But the tone, the breath, his vocal chords. . .
He caresses me with those vocal chords as this realization sinks into me.
Based on Boston Bombing, another class assignment
I am sick, very sick
Don't watch the news, this is why
Why a child? I am sick and empty in a sobbing heap.
Don't watch the news, this is why
Why a child? I am sick and empty in a sobbing heap.
My Epic Poem: White Privilege, based on Robert Campbell's Work
Death, despair, the end!
Suicide, murder of self, of the other.
Must leave! Run! Escape! Flee!
Naropa! Land of opportunity!
Drumming, chanting!
Belong not at sublet,
belong at Naropa!
End all, be all, holy grail!
Not holy no grail, class misery.
Race, sex, religion.
Not fair! Nothing is fair!
No justice, just injustice!
Feeling of white trash.
Guilt washes over me.
I am half, othered and separated! Again.
blind but half white.
Daddy is brown
Mommy is white
I am confused
Why am I even here?
I input and develop things and people
I am empathetic and responsible
Are these things really strenths?
Feels like just another burden to carry.
I am priviliged?
Blind, mixed race, overweight and disfigured face,
but I am half white, therefore I am priviliged
Bisexual, maybe not even bisexual, but just sexual
and yet I am priviliged because I speak English and can pass for a white woman
Living in poverty,
my family, unable to vacation without using the Christmas money to travel
Under threat of foreclosure and may lose my dear sweet KittyKitty,
but I am priviliged because I can get an education
Education not necessarily wanted let alone deserved,
Rather volunteer my whole life
rock and hold babies,
care for animals
Take this education and do good!
Even if doing good will suck my soul right out of me,
smother and bury me in others' pain,
Do good; for that is why I am here, to do good!
Suicide, murder of self, of the other.
Must leave! Run! Escape! Flee!
Naropa! Land of opportunity!
Drumming, chanting!
Belong not at sublet,
belong at Naropa!
End all, be all, holy grail!
Not holy no grail, class misery.
Race, sex, religion.
Not fair! Nothing is fair!
No justice, just injustice!
Feeling of white trash.
Guilt washes over me.
I am half, othered and separated! Again.
blind but half white.
Daddy is brown
Mommy is white
I am confused
Why am I even here?
I input and develop things and people
I am empathetic and responsible
Are these things really strenths?
Feels like just another burden to carry.
I am priviliged?
Blind, mixed race, overweight and disfigured face,
but I am half white, therefore I am priviliged
Bisexual, maybe not even bisexual, but just sexual
and yet I am priviliged because I speak English and can pass for a white woman
Living in poverty,
my family, unable to vacation without using the Christmas money to travel
Under threat of foreclosure and may lose my dear sweet KittyKitty,
but I am priviliged because I can get an education
Education not necessarily wanted let alone deserved,
Rather volunteer my whole life
rock and hold babies,
care for animals
Take this education and do good!
Even if doing good will suck my soul right out of me,
smother and bury me in others' pain,
Do good; for that is why I am here, to do good!
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Under And Over It!
Yeah go!
Did you hear the one about me being a punk?
Did you hear the one about me being a drunk?
Did you hear the one about me losing my nerve?
Or how I'm just another fucking sheep in the herd?
Did you hear about the money, how it made me change?
So funny to me, all the time that they waste!
Did you hear the one about me giving a shit?
Cause if I ever did, I don't remember it!
You can be me, and I will be you.
You can live just like a star.
I'll take my sin, and you take the fame!
I'm under and over it all!
I'm under and over it!
Did you hear the one about me playing the game?
Selling my soul and changing my name.
Did you hear the one about me being a prick?
Did you know I don't care? You can suck my!!
Did you hear the one about me trying to die?
Fist in the air and a finger to the sky.
Do I care if you hate me? Do you wanna know the truth?
C'est la vie, adios, good riddance, fuck you!
You can be me and I will be you.
You can live just like a star.
I'll take my sanity, you take the fame.
I'm under and over it all.
(I'm under and over it!)
I'm, I'm, I'm under and over it!
I'm, I'm, I'm under and over it!
You can be me and I will be you.
You can live just like a star.
I'll take my sanity, you take the fame.
I'm under and over it all!
(I'm under and over it!)
I'm under and over it all!
(I'm under and over it!)
I'm, I'm, I'm under and over it!
I'm, I'm, I'm under and over it!
Did you hear the one about me being a punk?
Did you hear the one about me being a drunk?
Did you hear the one about me losing my nerve?
Or how I'm just another fucking sheep in the herd?
Did you hear about the money, how it made me change?
So funny to me, all the time that they waste!
Did you hear the one about me giving a shit?
Cause if I ever did, I don't remember it!
You can be me, and I will be you.
You can live just like a star.
I'll take my sin, and you take the fame!
I'm under and over it all!
I'm under and over it!
Did you hear the one about me playing the game?
Selling my soul and changing my name.
Did you hear the one about me being a prick?
Did you know I don't care? You can suck my!!
Did you hear the one about me trying to die?
Fist in the air and a finger to the sky.
Do I care if you hate me? Do you wanna know the truth?
C'est la vie, adios, good riddance, fuck you!
You can be me and I will be you.
You can live just like a star.
I'll take my sanity, you take the fame.
I'm under and over it all.
(I'm under and over it!)
I'm, I'm, I'm under and over it!
I'm, I'm, I'm under and over it!
You can be me and I will be you.
You can live just like a star.
I'll take my sanity, you take the fame.
I'm under and over it all!
(I'm under and over it!)
I'm under and over it all!
(I'm under and over it!)
I'm, I'm, I'm under and over it!
I'm, I'm, I'm under and over it!
"FAKE IT"
How fitting. . .
Who's to know if your soul will fade at all
The one you sold to fool the world
You lost your self-esteem along the way
Yeah
Good god your comin' up with reasons
Good god your dragging it out
Good god its the changing of the seasons
I feel so raped
So follow me down
And just fake it if your out of direction
Fake it if you don't belong here
Fake it if you feel like an infection
Woah your such a fuckin' hypocrite
And you should know that the lies wont hide your flaws
No sense in hiding all of yours
You gave up on your dreams along the way
Yeah
Good god your comin' up with reasons
Good god your dragging it out
Good god its the changing of the seasons
I feel so raped
So follow me down
And just fake it if your out of direction
Fake it if you don't belong here
Fake it if you feel like an infection
Woah your such a fuckin' hypocrite
Whoah whoah
I can fake with the best of anyone
I can fake with the best of em all
I can fake with the best of anyone
I can fake it all
Who's to know if your soul will fade at all
The one you sold to fool the world
You lost your self-esteem along the way
Yeah
Good god your comin' up with reasons
Good god your dragging it out
Good god its the changing of the seasons
I feel so raped
So follow me down
And just fake it if your out of direction
Fake it if you don't belong here
Fake it if you feel like an infection
Woah your such a fuckin' hypocrite
Fake it if your out of direction
Fake it if you don't belong here
Fake it if you feel like an infection
Woah your such a fuckin' hypocrite
Who's to know if your soul will fade at all
The one you sold to fool the world
You lost your self-esteem along the way
Yeah
Good god your comin' up with reasons
Good god your dragging it out
Good god its the changing of the seasons
I feel so raped
So follow me down
And just fake it if your out of direction
Fake it if you don't belong here
Fake it if you feel like an infection
Woah your such a fuckin' hypocrite
And you should know that the lies wont hide your flaws
No sense in hiding all of yours
You gave up on your dreams along the way
Yeah
Good god your comin' up with reasons
Good god your dragging it out
Good god its the changing of the seasons
I feel so raped
So follow me down
And just fake it if your out of direction
Fake it if you don't belong here
Fake it if you feel like an infection
Woah your such a fuckin' hypocrite
Whoah whoah
I can fake with the best of anyone
I can fake with the best of em all
I can fake with the best of anyone
I can fake it all
Who's to know if your soul will fade at all
The one you sold to fool the world
You lost your self-esteem along the way
Yeah
Good god your comin' up with reasons
Good god your dragging it out
Good god its the changing of the seasons
I feel so raped
So follow me down
And just fake it if your out of direction
Fake it if you don't belong here
Fake it if you feel like an infection
Woah your such a fuckin' hypocrite
Fake it if your out of direction
Fake it if you don't belong here
Fake it if you feel like an infection
Woah your such a fuckin' hypocrite
Thoughts On A Suicide
Knife hunting.
Small, not sharp enough.
Doesn't even hurt. Too numb.
Stuck it to my wrist, pressed hard. . .
Nothing! A tiny scrape.
Noone will notice.
They won't even see, just like they don't see me.
Not even a taste of blood.
Thought about just biting, went scarf hunting.
Am I really that stupid?
Scarf is gone, can't remember where.
Must have packed it, don't remember when.
If it was day time and they were gone,
I'd just slam my head against something.
It's night time though and their all here.
So beautiful, so perfect. . .
Not me, nothing like me.
Why is it when I slide,
I slide so far and so deep?
Always deep.
It's never a tiny climb back from the abyss.
It's always work.
Knife is small and worthless,
But I consider trying again.
Feel like crying but can't.
Feel like running!
Feel like screaming!
This must be darkness.
Been here before,
to many times.
How many more?
Today will come to pass,
But one day won't.
With any luck,
One day soon.
Very soon.
Wish I didn't have tolerance built up.
Such a tolerance for everything. . .
drugs, alcohol, living.
To tolerant, too much.
Too empty.
Too lonely, too much pain.
Can't stop thinking about it,
Cutting my throat,
Slicing open my stomach and trailing intestines.
To dirty just like me.
To nasty, to sticky, to messy.
Just like me.
Too sick, too sad, too dull, too much feeling.
Too hopeless, too unhappy.
Too brokenhearted, too miserable.
Too crushed, too broken.
Too much love, too much hate.
Too much guilt, too much disease.
Too full of medications from the past, too many surgeries.
Too much, just too much.
Always talk about her being crazy. . .
I come from her and I'm crazy. . .
It's all a joke though, one big joke.
Why is her disease real and mine not?
Anything I have is fake,
Unless you can see it on me, in me.
They don't. I think they refuse.
This too will be chalked up to another goofy plea for help.
"You're leaving in a couple months! It's ok! You'll be okay until
then! Trust us!"
I don't. I don't trust you.
I don't trust me!!!
I'm not okay.
I wasn't okay before, I won't be now.
I never have been. I was never okay.
Don't even know where to go from here.
Leaving her will kill me, but staying will kill me.
10 fingers and 10 toes, cooing and content. . .
How can I leave that?
How can I stay?
I said it before,
She was the one thing that could hold me here.
I don't know what would hurt worse,
having a relationship with her by staying. . .
or not staying and then coming back here to discover she doesn't remember me.
Actually I do. . .
Her not remembering would be worse. . . much worse.
Classes are planned out, schedule is done.
It's experiential you know. . .
More experience, less academic rigor.
Still knife hunting, even if only in my head.
Rather be a nothing than a painful memory.
Keep seeing death. . .
Closed caskets and frozen bodies.
Made up faces and cold lifeless fingers.
Funereal dresses and vaults deep in the earth.
I seek peace where there is none.
Keep seeking solace where there's none to be found.
Keep seeking truth where only lies exist.
Keep seeking my place where there's no place to be had.
Keep seeking and searching and wandering where there's nothing to be
sought out and no rest to be had.
Even a 4.0 GPA is meaningless in this place.
All the men I've loved are meaningless here,
all married or unavailable. . .
Women to busy for me.
Money to elusive.
I only need enough for a Baby!!
Just enough for a Baby!!
Stomach burns with failure.
Wish I could vomit myself to death. . .
I've found modest amounts of comfort in her,
but how can I take from one so tiny?
So beautifully formed and adorable?
She's not mine, she's not mine. . .
Can bearly type that.
Feels like the words alone will be the death of me.
To bad that's just a feeling.
Need a knife. . .
Maybe I'll use that one if I get desperate enough.
Thought I was desperate enough, guess not.
Still feel the burning and the breaking.
Feels like fire, it is fire.
I said earth was hell, knew I was right.
There is no devil,
just me, my own worst enemy.
Maybe I'll run instead.
Go for a walk, run in front of a car.
Not the ideal way to go, but when there's nothing left. . .
Can't be helped.
Nothing else to do.
Small, not sharp enough.
Doesn't even hurt. Too numb.
Stuck it to my wrist, pressed hard. . .
Nothing! A tiny scrape.
Noone will notice.
They won't even see, just like they don't see me.
Not even a taste of blood.
Thought about just biting, went scarf hunting.
Am I really that stupid?
Scarf is gone, can't remember where.
Must have packed it, don't remember when.
If it was day time and they were gone,
I'd just slam my head against something.
It's night time though and their all here.
So beautiful, so perfect. . .
Not me, nothing like me.
Why is it when I slide,
I slide so far and so deep?
Always deep.
It's never a tiny climb back from the abyss.
It's always work.
Knife is small and worthless,
But I consider trying again.
Feel like crying but can't.
Feel like running!
Feel like screaming!
This must be darkness.
Been here before,
to many times.
How many more?
Today will come to pass,
But one day won't.
With any luck,
One day soon.
Very soon.
Wish I didn't have tolerance built up.
Such a tolerance for everything. . .
drugs, alcohol, living.
To tolerant, too much.
Too empty.
Too lonely, too much pain.
Can't stop thinking about it,
Cutting my throat,
Slicing open my stomach and trailing intestines.
To dirty just like me.
To nasty, to sticky, to messy.
Just like me.
Too sick, too sad, too dull, too much feeling.
Too hopeless, too unhappy.
Too brokenhearted, too miserable.
Too crushed, too broken.
Too much love, too much hate.
Too much guilt, too much disease.
Too full of medications from the past, too many surgeries.
Too much, just too much.
Always talk about her being crazy. . .
I come from her and I'm crazy. . .
It's all a joke though, one big joke.
Why is her disease real and mine not?
Anything I have is fake,
Unless you can see it on me, in me.
They don't. I think they refuse.
This too will be chalked up to another goofy plea for help.
"You're leaving in a couple months! It's ok! You'll be okay until
then! Trust us!"
I don't. I don't trust you.
I don't trust me!!!
I'm not okay.
I wasn't okay before, I won't be now.
I never have been. I was never okay.
Don't even know where to go from here.
Leaving her will kill me, but staying will kill me.
10 fingers and 10 toes, cooing and content. . .
How can I leave that?
How can I stay?
I said it before,
She was the one thing that could hold me here.
I don't know what would hurt worse,
having a relationship with her by staying. . .
or not staying and then coming back here to discover she doesn't remember me.
Actually I do. . .
Her not remembering would be worse. . . much worse.
Classes are planned out, schedule is done.
It's experiential you know. . .
More experience, less academic rigor.
Still knife hunting, even if only in my head.
Rather be a nothing than a painful memory.
Keep seeing death. . .
Closed caskets and frozen bodies.
Made up faces and cold lifeless fingers.
Funereal dresses and vaults deep in the earth.
I seek peace where there is none.
Keep seeking solace where there's none to be found.
Keep seeking truth where only lies exist.
Keep seeking my place where there's no place to be had.
Keep seeking and searching and wandering where there's nothing to be
sought out and no rest to be had.
Even a 4.0 GPA is meaningless in this place.
All the men I've loved are meaningless here,
all married or unavailable. . .
Women to busy for me.
Money to elusive.
I only need enough for a Baby!!
Just enough for a Baby!!
Stomach burns with failure.
Wish I could vomit myself to death. . .
I've found modest amounts of comfort in her,
but how can I take from one so tiny?
So beautifully formed and adorable?
She's not mine, she's not mine. . .
Can bearly type that.
Feels like the words alone will be the death of me.
To bad that's just a feeling.
Need a knife. . .
Maybe I'll use that one if I get desperate enough.
Thought I was desperate enough, guess not.
Still feel the burning and the breaking.
Feels like fire, it is fire.
I said earth was hell, knew I was right.
There is no devil,
just me, my own worst enemy.
Maybe I'll run instead.
Go for a walk, run in front of a car.
Not the ideal way to go, but when there's nothing left. . .
Can't be helped.
Nothing else to do.
Untitled
Came home tonight after seeing Baby.
I've never been so brokenhearted in my life. Never been happier
either. Happy and healthy!!
NOT MINE!
I can't sleep. I've laid in bed for the past 3 hours thinking about
ending it. Why is it that I always think about it and yet, haven't
ever succeded at it?
Not that I haven't tried, I've just always failed.
No prospects and I'll be 28 on January 14th 2014 if I make it that long.
Why haven't I just gone ahead and cut? I don't know.
I can feel it. I can feel the blood racing through my veins and out of me.
Nobody would find me till morning. She's really better off without me
if I'm only going to do this anyway.
No sense having her grow up with me for a few months and then ending it.
Might as well cut off the pain at the source before it gets worse,
before it hurts her.
Congratulations? I'd rathe be drunk. Rather stick a needle full of
poison in my arm, rather swallow a bottle of cleaning fluid, rather do
anything but be here!!
I fucking hate here! I hate there to! I hate everywhere!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I used to hate people who had a life. . . now I hate everybody! People
with kids, people with partners, hell, I fucking hate people with
prospects!!!!!!!!!! Even they have more than I do!
I hate people with money and people who can drive and people who are
happy and people who don't have kids and don't want them and are
happy!!!!!!
I hate this and if I had will enough I'd end it already!
Even if cutting hurts, it won't hurt for long, just a little. . .
besides, I'm used to it. So I would normally be asleep when they cut
me open. . . who the fuck cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Where is my partner?????
Where is my baby???????????
Why the fuck am I so hated???????????
Why am I so unlovable?????????????
Why am I not good enough, smart enough, gentle enough, caring enough,
compassionate enough?????????????????
I know I'm not alone and yet, that's no consolation.
To be brutally honest, I don't fucking care that I'm not
alone!!!!!!!!! So fucking what!!!!!!!!!! Should I be HAPPY because I'm
not alone????????
Well fuck self-righteous fuckers who think like that! Kiss my ass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Who the fuck are you to say what I ought to feel????????
Eat shit and die!!!!!!!! Go fuck yourself and fuck everything you
stand for while you're at it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Give me what I fucking want and then I'll be quiet. Until then, fuck
off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I've never been so brokenhearted in my life. Never been happier
either. Happy and healthy!!
NOT MINE!
I can't sleep. I've laid in bed for the past 3 hours thinking about
ending it. Why is it that I always think about it and yet, haven't
ever succeded at it?
Not that I haven't tried, I've just always failed.
No prospects and I'll be 28 on January 14th 2014 if I make it that long.
Why haven't I just gone ahead and cut? I don't know.
I can feel it. I can feel the blood racing through my veins and out of me.
Nobody would find me till morning. She's really better off without me
if I'm only going to do this anyway.
No sense having her grow up with me for a few months and then ending it.
Might as well cut off the pain at the source before it gets worse,
before it hurts her.
Congratulations? I'd rathe be drunk. Rather stick a needle full of
poison in my arm, rather swallow a bottle of cleaning fluid, rather do
anything but be here!!
I fucking hate here! I hate there to! I hate everywhere!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I used to hate people who had a life. . . now I hate everybody! People
with kids, people with partners, hell, I fucking hate people with
prospects!!!!!!!!!! Even they have more than I do!
I hate people with money and people who can drive and people who are
happy and people who don't have kids and don't want them and are
happy!!!!!!
I hate this and if I had will enough I'd end it already!
Even if cutting hurts, it won't hurt for long, just a little. . .
besides, I'm used to it. So I would normally be asleep when they cut
me open. . . who the fuck cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Where is my partner?????
Where is my baby???????????
Why the fuck am I so hated???????????
Why am I so unlovable?????????????
Why am I not good enough, smart enough, gentle enough, caring enough,
compassionate enough?????????????????
I know I'm not alone and yet, that's no consolation.
To be brutally honest, I don't fucking care that I'm not
alone!!!!!!!!! So fucking what!!!!!!!!!! Should I be HAPPY because I'm
not alone????????
Well fuck self-righteous fuckers who think like that! Kiss my ass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Who the fuck are you to say what I ought to feel????????
Eat shit and die!!!!!!!! Go fuck yourself and fuck everything you
stand for while you're at it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Give me what I fucking want and then I'll be quiet. Until then, fuck
off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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