Dearest Olivia Marie Morgan Medina:
I bearly know where to begin with this. . . I considered a poem and a
letter, but this? I have no idea what this will be.
At first I was angry, so I ranted. Then I waited for a response and
received none. Seems like I do that alot, rant and rave only to find
no solutions. . .
Then I started thinking about all the reasons I'm an unfit person. . .
your sister Sadie was outside barking for me. It was 12:10AM and I
went out to her but she didn't come in the house when I opened the
door so I left her. I really was intent on coming back in a second,
but a second turned into almost another hour outside. It was 1:01 when
I started typing this, I had just let her in, sat and petted her for
between 5-10 minutes and gave her a tiny drink of water before bed.
Anyway, that barking, the initial barking that led me to the door is
where this line of thinking started. I'm unfit because I didn't let
her in the instant I heard barking. I'm unfit because I rarely drink,
but when I do. . . I drink to completely numb myself (though I never
get there). And believe me, after all the surgeries I've had, I can
handle some drinks. . . try 6-8 shots, half a bottle of wine and. . .
I don't know how much tequila. The worst thing that happened was that
I gained new admiration for the floor. Not because I fell on it, but
because when I walked or rushed around the apartment, it felt like the
floor was literally coming up to meet me! Lol. What can I say? I was
happy that night (for a few hours anyway). I also have this horrible
self-destructive streak. If I can ingest it, I want to, even if
society tells me I shouldn't want to. Any drug, even illicit ones hold
an appeal for me. It's like I've walked the razor's edge and I like it
so I keep coming back to it. and fast driving? I'm up for that. 120
down a steep hill doesn't sound bad at all to me, even if I can
imagine my fractured self staring up at me as the life drains from me.
Then there's my few cutting incidents, my fantasizing about drinking
household cleaners and occasionally considering all the ways I could
end this misery once and for all. I have borderline personality
disorder, PTSD and major recurrent episodes of depression. What can I
say? I'd make you a fantastic mom!! Lol.
Then it got to a point, after I'd let Sadie in and came back in myself
where she was barking and it all felt to loud. The barking, though
cute and utterly adorable was to loud and left a ringing in my ears
and it seemed to bounce and echo off the walls. Once we were in my
bedroom with the door closed I couldn't decide if that made it better
or worse. She knew something was up and kept rolling all over the
floor, rubbing her face and nose against my nightgown, barking and
whining. . .
Before that, but after I'd let her in I stood outside on the porch
with my head resting on my crossed arms, which rested on the rail of
the steps. I heard the wind whipping through the trees and felt the
breeze lifting my nightgown and bringing it back down. My gown never
went far above my calves, but I imagined it to be an insistent lover
struggling to get it up over my hips and eventually my head. I
listened to the hum of lights in the trailer park, the occasional car
passing and the wind whipping and thought about you.
I find myself hearing Baby sounds in my head and I wonder. . . I don't
know that I could ever admit it verbally, but I hear the sounds your
cousin makes and it shatters me, makes me wonder if I really and truly
fucked myself.
It'll be hard to explain when you get here (the cynical part of me
seeks to write "IF" you get here), just what I did and why I did it.
I love your cousin so much. . . I hold her and I've said it before,
it's like the sun shines out of her ass! The flowers are in bloom and
I'm skipping through the lilacs and roses and dandilions and violets
and everything's perfect!! The sun blazes and the world is full of
sound and color and texture, it's brighter than the bluest sky you can
imagine and more pure and innocent and perfect than any childhood
dream ever was or ever will be again. . . and it's also crushing,
stabbing, jagged!! I'm cut over and over and over again! My insides
are raw and oozing pus, their leaking out everywhere and I can't do a
thing to stop it! I'm ripped limb from limb and my torso is sawed in
half and then in half again, and the halves break and burst into
halves until I'm in a trillion pieces and I can't put myself back
together! I'm the walking wounded and I can't explain the decisions
I've made and I wonder if staying here is keeping me from you. . . but
I can't leave!
She talks to me the way I know you will, she sings to me and coos to
me. . . She babbles and gurgles and I swear she says "Yay!!" in her
Baby voice and "Uh-huh!" I swear she does!! She trusts me and I love
her so much I think I might die if she wasn't here! I try to imagine
your Aunt from before and I can't! I can't because it physically
hurts! Your cousin has my heart and my soul and my spirit and there
isn't ANYTHING I wouldn't do to protect her!! I would crawl through
hell to reach her and swallow a mouthful of hot coals to get to her! I
would dodge bullets and even take them for her. . This isn't an Aunt's
love I don't think. . . I don't know what kind of love this is, or, I
think I do, but I haven't the strength to voice it.
I tried so hard to set boundaries Livia, please believe me I did!! I
held her the day she was born and swore I would make rational, sound
decisions based on my future. . . on our future, but there's nothing
rational about my love for her, for Babies in general. . . nothing!
It's like all rational thought goes out the freakin' window!! I tried
so hard Liv, I've just failed though and failed miserably. . . I can't
think straight anymore I guess. I'm all wrapped up and I keep
following this road and when it's easy it's fabulous!! And when it's
hard. . . it's the hardest thing I've ever done. I thought just
living, existing was hard, but this? This blows my existence out of
the water! This over powers everything!! This is irrational and not
level-headed and eratic and crazy!! It's absolutely ridiculous and
all-consuming! But then it's grounding and perfect and loving and kind
and patient. . . everything I'm not with the adults around me. It's
trust and innocence and the brightest light you can imagine, the
brightest thing you'll ever see in your life!
And yet, as I said, I find myself wondering if I'm one step closer to
you or one step further away.
I have no idea how this can feel so perfect and so imperfect at the same time.
About the only thing I gathered from standing outside and all my other
experiences tonight is that I love you! You have a name and nothing
more, but I already know I love you! I love you and, I'm trying
extremely hard to stay alive long enough for you to get here.
With Love,
Mom.
