Suicide

ORIGINALLY POSTED AT MY PINK POSSE BLOG ON OR NEAR
Fri, Jul 30, 2010 at 3:36 PM

I'm home from your place unfortunately. I'm back here again!
Here where there's no room, here where there's no hope! Here where
there's nothing to permanently make me overcome these things, these
thoughts, this fucking place!
We got in the car & I told him you printed off directions for me!
Directions so I could go to this garage sale & see if they have a
treadmill! Something so small & insignificant, but something I would
use! Just one tiny change in my life.
He said:
"Where would we put it?"
He said:
"Why does this place have to be in Bay City! Why is everything so far away!"
He said:
Yeah, YOU need to do what's best for you, change your life. & I need
to do what's best for me, to change my life."
He said when I gave him his money:
"Yes, my $200 a month that I have to pay for gas just to go all over the place."
He said:
"You can move to San Antonio now. My family is there. You don't have
to wait for me."

& everything went away. The great feelings that Amy & Laura have tried
to spark went away. I don't have time to wait until next week for
someone on Craigslist to write me & offer help. I don't have time to
wait for the transportation, for the driver, for the money. I don't
even have time for volunteering. I need what I need, money &
transportation, NOW, today! Nevermind that things don't work like
that. That's what I NEED, NOW!
I need my own house so I'll have room for MY TREADMILL, so I won't
have to beg him to make room for me. I need my own money so I can pay
my own driver so I can go where I NEED to go to do what I NEED to do.
& I need it NOW! Right NOW!
Everything is slipping away again. Amy's suggestions that make me feel
so good, Laura's pushing me to do things that I hate that make me feel
better after I do them.
You & I going to the fair yesterday & that feeling of freedom!!! It's
all gone! Just GONE!!
Now I'm crying. I'm thinking about the alcohol I bought yesterday &
figuring I could drink all 6 bottles tonight, Hell, right now. Forget
tonight! I could do it now!
It won't solve anything in the long run, but I'll feel to good & sleep
to long to feel anything in the short term. I'll think about you &
fluffy baby lambs & riding on the Fireball all by myself yesterday!
I'll think of all the good times & they won't hurt anymore! I'll just
be happy again! Even if it's only for tonight!
This happens everytime. People say believe in change, ask the
universe, it'll come! Well it'll come has come & gone. His flexibility
even for the small things has gone. His patience, his tolerance for
me, his closest, favorite daughter, has come & gone. He's tired of
helping, tired of driving, tired of not having money, he's tired of
everything!
I don't blame him. It hurts me, but I don't blame him. I just love
him. I'm crying to hard to feel any other way, to think any other
thoughts.
I can't hate him even when I try.
I've been asking, been reaching & the results aren't varying. Their
the same. & if this is what happens when I ask for a treadmill, how
can I ask for something bigger? If noone replies to me on craigslist
when I ask for a blind person who was in my situation & overcame it,
how can I ask for a volunteer position or a driver when I have nothing
to offer?
& don't tell me how I provide comfort, how I make people laugh &
smile, that's not good enough. If that were good enough to get by, I'd
be getting by! But I'm not. Don't tell me people would miss me, they
love me, I don't care. That's not solving anything! It's not fixing
anything!
24 years of this, & one more makes 25. I'd rather call it a life now.
No point in waiting til my birthday. No point in making it a sad
occasion. No point in making them, you wait any longer. You'll find
other friends & they'll find other family, my sisters will get married
& have kids & add to the family pool.
& everyone else, you can't miss someone you don't REALLY, TRULY know,
INSIDE & OUT. So they won't miss me for long either.
Noone will & that's just the way I want it. Don't miss me, be happy &
move forward!
Chelle