It is believed that we all have an Inner Child, one who has not grown
up and either, retains alot of the hurts we've buried, or is pretty
well healed depending on how evolved we are. Strictly my definition, I
didn't look it up in the dictionary or anything.
In therapy, I've started working with this Inner Child. Some people
use dolls, and I've read webpages that suggest one writes first with
their dominant hand then with their nondominant hand to represent the
Child.
I of course, am blind, so unable to do that. Therefore I've stuck with
the doll idea and right now somebody is working to make my Inner Child
doll look the way I did before I had all my surgeries.
Onto the dialogues, they aren't written out speciffically, so much as
it's noted that I've done them. I plan to keep an update of this from
now on however.
My first one I had was kind of clumsy
and awkward. . .
but I asked if she had any other name she preferred over Baby
Michelle. Nothing came to me so I took that as a no. So I officially
christened her Baby Michelle.
I asked her if she was feeling anything and she wasn't at the moment,
so I explained who I was and why I was doing this, that I was there to
help her, and that she was me as a Baby, so I was really helping us
and that we weren't separate, we are two halves of a whole.
Dialogue II:
The second time she had something come up, which naturally, was kim
and what I told you in therapy, so we discussed that.
What I told my therapist was that kim complained about me talking
about my friend in front of her. I was discussing how my friend was
doing in casual conversation with her and Becca (my sister). kim
complained that talking about my friend was depressing and she'd
rather play with Sweets (sister's daughter, also known as Cricket
among other things). Anyway, she carried on playing with Sweets and I
was silently pissed because I felt like I was being ignored and shot
down. As though my life and the updates I had weren't as important as
hers for example.
Thing is, it would have been like her saying something about one of
her friends and me telling her I didn't give a shit about her/her
friends. I mean, friends, other family members, coworkers and news all
come up during casual conversation and that's what it was, casual
conversation.
So that left Baby Michelle and I pretty pissed.
Dialogue III, this is from last Saturday:
And now, after seeing kim this morning, I asked her to give me the
print copy of my autobiography back, Baby Michelle is upset again.
Here's why, in a poem I wrote:
WTF?
I asked you to bring the print copy of my autobio back, you did. . .
blew through here like a hurricane. . .
gave me bulbs and garland and so forth for a tree, point out I didn't
ask about your colonoscopy. . .
So why after you left am I the one sitting here feeling pain. A not in
my gut, a cramp in my lower belly, pain everywhere and an
uncontrolable need to cry. . .
Reality is perception, change one change the other. . . you say you
know you mean nothing to me.
My brain wasn't on your colon, sorry I was doing other things. Sorry I
wasn't thinking about that.
But you know something? I know why I'm hurting and you'll never know
why you are the way you are.
I'm hurting because I know I hurt you, and unlike you, I have a heart,
I have feelings, and so I'm hurting.
You lash out like a 4-year-old and wonder why people won't stay.
That's why. You aren't 4, you're 50, but you've never learned to act
like it.
You hurt because you make yourself hurt and you lash out because that
4-year-old is still seeking attention she believes she'll never get. .
. and, that's the other reason I hurt, because I know that little
girl, I know her because I have one of my own and that hurts.
I won't mother you though, I just won't. I'm not your mother, I'm your
child by birth and by blood and by lineage. . .
I am not your mother. . . I. am. not. your. mother!!!!!
I. am. your. daughter!!!
But you know, I'm not angry, no, not this morning. this morning I am
bloody and I am raw, but I am not angry. I will not respond with rage
today. . . I will not lash out in response to you lashing out. . .
I will always love you. . . unfortunately (it feels sometimes), or
fortunately, depending on how one looks at it, these bonds will never
be severed. They are what they are and always will be.
So while I am hurting today and I am in so much agony I can't even
crawl, I am not angry.
That to me is a step forward.
I will always love you, but I will not care take you.
So, if you all didn't figure it out, between her complaint about my
friend, and then her saying I didn't care about her, because I didn't
ask how her colonoscopy turned out, Baby Michelle and I were very
upset and very hurt.
After that we cut ties with kim for the second time and I have no
plans to go back.
It's imparative that I protect my Inner Child (Baby Michelle), and
myself by extention from toxic relationships/comments/emotional abuse.
My therapist called it emotional abuse and stated that she is selfish
and that a mother by definition, must be able to put herself/her needs
aside for her child. Ovbiously, when necessary/within reason, but not
being able to have a casual conversation with somebody is within
reason.
If Olivia and I were discussing her friend (Olivia being the Daughter
I will have some day very soon), and I felt the conversation was
triggering (as we discuss in my online mental health group), I would
gently and calmly explain to Olivia that talking about her friend was
triggering for me at that moment and I would like to switch to another
topic and come back to her friend when I felt better able to handle
it.
I wouldn't say to her what kim said to me.
Anyway, in a nutshell, that's what happened and where Baby Michelle
and I find ourselves now.
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