Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. (2013), Describe
it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors).
I felt most alive when I heard Olivia's heartbeat for the first time.
I was lying on the table with that freezing jelly *which was actually
quite warm compared to other times I've had an ultrasound*, and
holding my best friend's hand. It was small and soft and shaking ever
so slightly as we began to hear the sound. Olivia's heartbeat was
strong and sounded more like she was going into a boxing match then
floating in my Womb! Lol. That's my Girl, boxing already!!! The room
was warm and cozy. I smelled lavender and roses and just a bit of
antiseptic. It was all quite calming. *I can imagine the faces of
other Women reading this now!!! Lol.* I live on Colorado. . . well,
split my time between Co and Cali, what do you want from me????
It felt more like a Buddhist meditation was taking place than an
ultrasound, more like I was at home than in a doctor's office.
It was everything I wished for and than some!!!
I'm sooooo excited!!
Saturday, December 15, 2012
December 2 - Writing.
What do you do each day that doesn't contribute to your writing — and
can you eliminate it?
I do nothing that doesn't contribute to my writing these days!! I
write constantly, and writing for school has made that even more
important. I find it's been a help instead of a hinderance. I write
like it's going out of style, like it's a religion of its own! Lol.
Go me!!!
can you eliminate it?
I do nothing that doesn't contribute to my writing these days!! I
write constantly, and writing for school has made that even more
important. I find it's been a help instead of a hinderance. I write
like it's going out of style, like it's a religion of its own! Lol.
Go me!!!
December 1st: One Word
Encapsulate the year 2013 in one word. Explain why you're choosing
that word. Now, imagine it's one year from today, what would you like
the word to be that captures 2014 for you?
My word is Growth!
I've chosen growth because as much as things have changed since 2012,
they've also stayed the same. What I notice about myself is that I've
GROWN more than anything else.
I've expanded and shifted and overcome and worked super hard and
played even harder! Lol. I've learned and re-learned and well, grown!!
Literally, I'm Pregnant!! and figuratively.
My word for 2014?
Knowledge. Knowledge about Birthing and Babies and Life and learning!
I can always learn more!!
that word. Now, imagine it's one year from today, what would you like
the word to be that captures 2014 for you?
My word is Growth!
I've chosen growth because as much as things have changed since 2012,
they've also stayed the same. What I notice about myself is that I've
GROWN more than anything else.
I've expanded and shifted and overcome and worked super hard and
played even harder! Lol. I've learned and re-learned and well, grown!!
Literally, I'm Pregnant!! and figuratively.
My word for 2014?
Knowledge. Knowledge about Birthing and Babies and Life and learning!
I can always learn more!!
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Leaving for Naropa!! January 3rd, 2013
We all know it's Dec 13 today, so let's just get this out of the way
now. Lol. I'm writing "ahead of time" if you will. Manifestation here
I come!!!
It's January 3rd and only 3:30AM when I crawl out of bed. Seems like
it should be later, but we must be on the road by 4 if we hope to get
to Detroit/Wayne County airport by 6.
I'm groggy and emotionally drained, but I'm also ecstatic and giddy!!!
Looking back to December 13th, I had been doubting that I'd leave. I
was so sick and tired, my head pounding like a drum constantly and the
doc hadn't figured out a thing! She was sending me to a neurologist,
but he wanted to see my MRI first!
I realize that's his job, but I felt so angry I could spit! The
pounding, the nausea, the shakiness in my whole body, the inability to
remember things. . . not a super big deal, but very big for someone
who typically remembers "everything!" My schedule, my Dad's schedule,
his wife Rebecca's schedule and my step sisters. Everyone's schedules,
and I thought "what value do I have if I can't seem to remember?" Of
course, it could have just been my pre-occupation with getting to
Boulder and finding a place to live and finding a place for my girls
and and and. . . I did find a place for them, and a 1 month lease for
myself, and all was right with the world!! So then it was back to
seeing my BFF Holly before I left, and having a BDay party for myself
before I left *birthday's on January 14th!!*, and saying good-bye to
my family and and and. . .
So anyway, you get my point. I was thinking: "If I can normally do all
this, why won't my brain let me do it now?"
I felt like I was losing my edge and I felt betrayed by my brain.
Well, I did see the neurologist and he figured out what was wrong!!
Now I'm off medications, the nausea and shakiness is gone and funnily
enough, the memory is kickin' ass and takin' names!! I.AM.BACK!!!!
Woohoo!!! Go me!!!!!
My head feels clear and light just like the rest of me!!
It's 6AM now and we're pulling in!! My Dad's so kick-ass he gets me
there on time!!
We walk in and the happiness I've been feeling all morning is a bit
topsy turvy now. I'm still happy, I could also cry at the slightest
provocation however. I now know I'll miss him horribly for the first
few days and it's crushing, all-consuming. . . remember you'll come
back to visit him. . . I tell myself this but at the moment,
consolation is hard to come by.
He gets a visitors pass and so comes back with me and we sit in plush
leather seats. . . I'm going first class!! This time, I'm not just
flying, I'm flying first class!! For the first time in my precious 26
years, it was cheaper to go first class $261 then to pay for economy
seating at $271! $10 off once you include fees and taxes!! Eeeek!!! So
exciting!! I get breakfast!! I get one checked bag free!!! My girls
will still ride in the cargo hold like everyone else's pets do. . . Oh
well, a girl can only ask for so much, right? If I want Sadie
CockerSpaniel and KittyKitty Cat to ride this is how things must be.
I accept and move on.
I've fed them in the car and taken them potty well, Sadie potty in the
grass somewhere. So their all set for our 3-hour flight! Of course,
we're going on mountain time here, so I'll hit Denver airport at 10:09
or 10:10 and feel like it should be 12:10! Lol. Wonder what it's like
to encounter a 3 or 4 hour time difference? Maybe I'll find out soon!
I will find out within a few years, guaranteed!!
Anyway, they've taken the girls as checked and now I start getting
teary. A Mother worries about her children *if she's normal anyway*. .
. and so I do to.
I hold Dad's hand tightly and then snuggle into him like I did when I
was a little girl and waiting for a surgery or recovering from one. He
always comforts me the best he can. There's nothing like a Father's
love. Warm and cocooning and strong and towering and gentle and sweet.
I try not to think "I'm leaving him!!" and instead force myself to
keep thinking: "I'm goingfor myself!! I'm going to University!!"
Not exactly a rhythmic chant, but I'm now feeling slightly tired and
more than a bit off my game.
It's 8AM now and as a first-class passenger I get priority boarding
and breakfast!! I wonder what they'll serve? I'm starving!! My stomach
rummbles at that moment on cue as if to say she agrees. Thanks
stomach. . . now shshshsh! Lol. I wonder if everyone in the terminal
heard it.
I squeeze Dad even tighter and hope he won't pop on me like a balloon
would! Lol. I keep snuggling until the very last second.
A wonderful attendant meets us on the tarmac and leads me onto the plane.
I sit down and breakdown instantly. I don't stop crying the whole time
passengers are boarding and as the plane taxi's down the runway I hope
Daddy's watching and I wave like mad out the window!!
Good-bye Daddy, I love you!!!! I think as we start our ascent.
I cry a little more as the attendants come around collecting our
breakfast orders.
I sniffle and snuffle like Snuffleupagus before I've calmed enough to eat.
After I eat I settle back with my headphones, but before I can get
them on a Woman sitting next to me asks if I'm ok. Where am I going?
I tell her I'll be fine, I just miss my Dad already. I tell her he was
just at the airport with me and I still miss him! She smiles and
chuckles. You're very attached. . . it's a statement, not a question
and I just nod.
I adore my Dad!! He's the best!!! She smiles again. I can hear it in
her voice when she asks why I'm leaving then.
I tell her about how I found Naropa and realized it was for me and I
talk about writing my essays and the night I found I was accepted, on
my way to a SEETHER concert no less!! I tell it all to her and she
listens interjecting an occasional clarification or statement so I
know she's listening. I keep talking about Dad and how wonderful he
is!! I extol his virtues and then say he might have punished me a few
times over the years. She laughs and says you still love him? I laugh
back knowing she's joking and nod my head vigorously.
By the time we get to why she's going and where she's going *Denver*
and her children and her job *she works with Babies in the ICU and has
just been offered a better job in Denver, her children and husband
will follow as soon as they can*, we're landing and I think how lucky
I am!! I met someone who's doing something I want to do!! Working with
Babies, it's a sign!! I think.
So we land and I call my new friend to see if she's there yet. She
says she's 5-10 minutes out and I say okay. The Woman is so nice she
comes with me to collect my baggage and my girls!! Their okay!!!!!!!
YAY!!! They've slept most of the time and their carriers aren't even
soiled!! Woohoo!!! I think it'd be horrible to have to give them baths
after the trauma they've just endured! Lol.
I hold their carriers tight, one hanging off of each side of me. I've
got 3 bags, but I don't care about them, I care about my Girls!!
I talk to them as we walk and the Woman says how beautiful they are! I
thank her.
Finally, I stop and say: "We've been talking for over 3 hours now, but
I never asked your name!! I laugh as I say it.
"Olivia." she says "Olivia Benson."
I almost drop the Girls!!! I stare up at her, mouth agape and trying
to smile at the same time! She has her bags and mine! This is just the
sort of thing Olivia Benson would do I think.
"You're um, like, um, you're, um, you know, Olivia Benson from Law and
Order: SVU! You, you're. !!!" I stop because she's stopped walking and
put her fingers on my lips.
"Just think for a second." she says. "That way you can form a coherent
sentence." I laugh. It's loud and shrill and piercing and gooffy,
maybe even a little bit strangled as I'm still feeling a bit
emotional.
She hugs me and I lean into her embrace, laying my head on her chest.
I confess I hope she doesn't see this as too much of an intimate
gesture, but I'm unable to help it. Luckily she doesn't and she hugs
me tighter. She even strokes my hair and rubs my back. She leans down
to my ear and whispers:
"Can you imagine if I had a hot partner like Stabler?"
Ok, now I nearly choke!!!!!!!! I love Elliot Stabler. . . LOVE!!!!!!
And even though I know he's a character, a made-up-person, I've never
been able to shake the thought of showing up to read lines with him
and. . . you know the rest!! Lol. Married man or not!
I pull back and blush furiously as I look up at her and now it's her
turn to laugh uproariously!
She hugs me again and I bury my face against her now, wondering if the
entire airport knows what I'm thinking!!
Finally I say: "Yeah, that's the first thing I thought, you and
Elliot. I guess I just injected you into the show." She laughs again
and says if they made a show about working in the NeoNat unit then
she'd be on it. I just laugh and smile. We go up to the first class
lounge and wait for my ride. She's so wonderful, sitting with me and
waiting.
She even gives me her number and tells me to call if I need anything
or just want to talk!! Her husban's doing a job right now and it's
hands on so he can't leave mi till he finishes it.
Little do I know she'll play a huge role in my life.
When J gets there we say our good-byes and J and I head out.
We stop for Cat and Dog food, then head over to L's place. L lives in
Longmont so it's a half hour to Boulder and then another half hour to
L's.
We drop the Girls off and stay for an hour or so to see how they
acclimate. Their doing okay when we leave but I'm teary again once
we're in the car. I feel naked without my Girls and the ride back is a
quiet one. J squeezes my hand over the console and tears slide softly
down my cheeks.
Waaaay to emotional I think, then immediately correct myself. I have
permission to be emotional, and to feel exactly what and how I feel! I
smile out the window at my correction.
We get back into town and stop for a few groceries.
We get back to the house and my roomates come out and hug me! Well
this wasn't what I was expecting, but I feel loved.
I hug back enthusiastically and start crying again! Lol. I laugh and
cry at the same time and the Women keep hugging me as J lugs the
groceries for me. They break up once they realize how many bags I have
and they lug them in as i walk with them.
I thank them profusely and they say it's no trouble at all and hug me again.
They spent all night tonight keeping me entertained, telling funny
stories about Naropa and I helped them make dinner and we talk about
my family and who I met on the plane and about my Girls in Longmont *I
start crying again and tell them how much I love them!*, and finally
after a bath I find myself in here typing this up.
I shut down the computer and head to bed thinking:
"I'm okay. The Girls are okay. We made it!!!"
I realize as soon as my brain finishes that thought: "I didn't call Dad!"
I pop up so fast I almost throw myself on the floor! I start giggling
and now I can't stop!! I hope the others aren't going to bed yet!! I
grab the phone and dial the number I've had for 15 years. Wow, 15
years??? That's a loooong time! I think this just as a groggy male
voice says: "Hello?"
I feel like I should be stage whispering now. . .
"Hi Daddy, it's me!! I just wanted to let you know I got here safely. . ."
"Hi Babygirl, glad to hear it."
I apologize for calling so late and tell him how busy I was and
everything we did that day. I just can't stop myself and he listens
patiently though I know he's tired.
I hope he doesn't work tomorrow so he can sleep in I think.
He says yeah, and right, and uh-huh. in all the right places.
Finally I thank him for listening and apologize again. He says it's
okay and he loves me and to get a good night's sleep because it sounds
like I'll be busy tomorrow!
I laugh quietly and smile and thank him.
I tell him I love him and I miss him already and I hope he's not
working tomorrow! He laughs and says he is, but it's okay.
We say I love you one more time before hanging up and now, now I can sleep!!
I drift off with his voice and then Olivia's in my head.
He's right. January 4th runs by so do Saturday and Sunday and before I
know it, I'm at orientation, but that's another story for another
time!!
now. Lol. I'm writing "ahead of time" if you will. Manifestation here
I come!!!
It's January 3rd and only 3:30AM when I crawl out of bed. Seems like
it should be later, but we must be on the road by 4 if we hope to get
to Detroit/Wayne County airport by 6.
I'm groggy and emotionally drained, but I'm also ecstatic and giddy!!!
Looking back to December 13th, I had been doubting that I'd leave. I
was so sick and tired, my head pounding like a drum constantly and the
doc hadn't figured out a thing! She was sending me to a neurologist,
but he wanted to see my MRI first!
I realize that's his job, but I felt so angry I could spit! The
pounding, the nausea, the shakiness in my whole body, the inability to
remember things. . . not a super big deal, but very big for someone
who typically remembers "everything!" My schedule, my Dad's schedule,
his wife Rebecca's schedule and my step sisters. Everyone's schedules,
and I thought "what value do I have if I can't seem to remember?" Of
course, it could have just been my pre-occupation with getting to
Boulder and finding a place to live and finding a place for my girls
and and and. . . I did find a place for them, and a 1 month lease for
myself, and all was right with the world!! So then it was back to
seeing my BFF Holly before I left, and having a BDay party for myself
before I left *birthday's on January 14th!!*, and saying good-bye to
my family and and and. . .
So anyway, you get my point. I was thinking: "If I can normally do all
this, why won't my brain let me do it now?"
I felt like I was losing my edge and I felt betrayed by my brain.
Well, I did see the neurologist and he figured out what was wrong!!
Now I'm off medications, the nausea and shakiness is gone and funnily
enough, the memory is kickin' ass and takin' names!! I.AM.BACK!!!!
Woohoo!!! Go me!!!!!
My head feels clear and light just like the rest of me!!
It's 6AM now and we're pulling in!! My Dad's so kick-ass he gets me
there on time!!
We walk in and the happiness I've been feeling all morning is a bit
topsy turvy now. I'm still happy, I could also cry at the slightest
provocation however. I now know I'll miss him horribly for the first
few days and it's crushing, all-consuming. . . remember you'll come
back to visit him. . . I tell myself this but at the moment,
consolation is hard to come by.
He gets a visitors pass and so comes back with me and we sit in plush
leather seats. . . I'm going first class!! This time, I'm not just
flying, I'm flying first class!! For the first time in my precious 26
years, it was cheaper to go first class $261 then to pay for economy
seating at $271! $10 off once you include fees and taxes!! Eeeek!!! So
exciting!! I get breakfast!! I get one checked bag free!!! My girls
will still ride in the cargo hold like everyone else's pets do. . . Oh
well, a girl can only ask for so much, right? If I want Sadie
CockerSpaniel and KittyKitty Cat to ride this is how things must be.
I accept and move on.
I've fed them in the car and taken them potty well, Sadie potty in the
grass somewhere. So their all set for our 3-hour flight! Of course,
we're going on mountain time here, so I'll hit Denver airport at 10:09
or 10:10 and feel like it should be 12:10! Lol. Wonder what it's like
to encounter a 3 or 4 hour time difference? Maybe I'll find out soon!
I will find out within a few years, guaranteed!!
Anyway, they've taken the girls as checked and now I start getting
teary. A Mother worries about her children *if she's normal anyway*. .
. and so I do to.
I hold Dad's hand tightly and then snuggle into him like I did when I
was a little girl and waiting for a surgery or recovering from one. He
always comforts me the best he can. There's nothing like a Father's
love. Warm and cocooning and strong and towering and gentle and sweet.
I try not to think "I'm leaving him!!" and instead force myself to
keep thinking: "I'm goingfor myself!! I'm going to University!!"
Not exactly a rhythmic chant, but I'm now feeling slightly tired and
more than a bit off my game.
It's 8AM now and as a first-class passenger I get priority boarding
and breakfast!! I wonder what they'll serve? I'm starving!! My stomach
rummbles at that moment on cue as if to say she agrees. Thanks
stomach. . . now shshshsh! Lol. I wonder if everyone in the terminal
heard it.
I squeeze Dad even tighter and hope he won't pop on me like a balloon
would! Lol. I keep snuggling until the very last second.
A wonderful attendant meets us on the tarmac and leads me onto the plane.
I sit down and breakdown instantly. I don't stop crying the whole time
passengers are boarding and as the plane taxi's down the runway I hope
Daddy's watching and I wave like mad out the window!!
Good-bye Daddy, I love you!!!! I think as we start our ascent.
I cry a little more as the attendants come around collecting our
breakfast orders.
I sniffle and snuffle like Snuffleupagus before I've calmed enough to eat.
After I eat I settle back with my headphones, but before I can get
them on a Woman sitting next to me asks if I'm ok. Where am I going?
I tell her I'll be fine, I just miss my Dad already. I tell her he was
just at the airport with me and I still miss him! She smiles and
chuckles. You're very attached. . . it's a statement, not a question
and I just nod.
I adore my Dad!! He's the best!!! She smiles again. I can hear it in
her voice when she asks why I'm leaving then.
I tell her about how I found Naropa and realized it was for me and I
talk about writing my essays and the night I found I was accepted, on
my way to a SEETHER concert no less!! I tell it all to her and she
listens interjecting an occasional clarification or statement so I
know she's listening. I keep talking about Dad and how wonderful he
is!! I extol his virtues and then say he might have punished me a few
times over the years. She laughs and says you still love him? I laugh
back knowing she's joking and nod my head vigorously.
By the time we get to why she's going and where she's going *Denver*
and her children and her job *she works with Babies in the ICU and has
just been offered a better job in Denver, her children and husband
will follow as soon as they can*, we're landing and I think how lucky
I am!! I met someone who's doing something I want to do!! Working with
Babies, it's a sign!! I think.
So we land and I call my new friend to see if she's there yet. She
says she's 5-10 minutes out and I say okay. The Woman is so nice she
comes with me to collect my baggage and my girls!! Their okay!!!!!!!
YAY!!! They've slept most of the time and their carriers aren't even
soiled!! Woohoo!!! I think it'd be horrible to have to give them baths
after the trauma they've just endured! Lol.
I hold their carriers tight, one hanging off of each side of me. I've
got 3 bags, but I don't care about them, I care about my Girls!!
I talk to them as we walk and the Woman says how beautiful they are! I
thank her.
Finally, I stop and say: "We've been talking for over 3 hours now, but
I never asked your name!! I laugh as I say it.
"Olivia." she says "Olivia Benson."
I almost drop the Girls!!! I stare up at her, mouth agape and trying
to smile at the same time! She has her bags and mine! This is just the
sort of thing Olivia Benson would do I think.
"You're um, like, um, you're, um, you know, Olivia Benson from Law and
Order: SVU! You, you're. !!!" I stop because she's stopped walking and
put her fingers on my lips.
"Just think for a second." she says. "That way you can form a coherent
sentence." I laugh. It's loud and shrill and piercing and gooffy,
maybe even a little bit strangled as I'm still feeling a bit
emotional.
She hugs me and I lean into her embrace, laying my head on her chest.
I confess I hope she doesn't see this as too much of an intimate
gesture, but I'm unable to help it. Luckily she doesn't and she hugs
me tighter. She even strokes my hair and rubs my back. She leans down
to my ear and whispers:
"Can you imagine if I had a hot partner like Stabler?"
Ok, now I nearly choke!!!!!!!! I love Elliot Stabler. . . LOVE!!!!!!
And even though I know he's a character, a made-up-person, I've never
been able to shake the thought of showing up to read lines with him
and. . . you know the rest!! Lol. Married man or not!
I pull back and blush furiously as I look up at her and now it's her
turn to laugh uproariously!
She hugs me again and I bury my face against her now, wondering if the
entire airport knows what I'm thinking!!
Finally I say: "Yeah, that's the first thing I thought, you and
Elliot. I guess I just injected you into the show." She laughs again
and says if they made a show about working in the NeoNat unit then
she'd be on it. I just laugh and smile. We go up to the first class
lounge and wait for my ride. She's so wonderful, sitting with me and
waiting.
She even gives me her number and tells me to call if I need anything
or just want to talk!! Her husban's doing a job right now and it's
hands on so he can't leave mi till he finishes it.
Little do I know she'll play a huge role in my life.
When J gets there we say our good-byes and J and I head out.
We stop for Cat and Dog food, then head over to L's place. L lives in
Longmont so it's a half hour to Boulder and then another half hour to
L's.
We drop the Girls off and stay for an hour or so to see how they
acclimate. Their doing okay when we leave but I'm teary again once
we're in the car. I feel naked without my Girls and the ride back is a
quiet one. J squeezes my hand over the console and tears slide softly
down my cheeks.
Waaaay to emotional I think, then immediately correct myself. I have
permission to be emotional, and to feel exactly what and how I feel! I
smile out the window at my correction.
We get back into town and stop for a few groceries.
We get back to the house and my roomates come out and hug me! Well
this wasn't what I was expecting, but I feel loved.
I hug back enthusiastically and start crying again! Lol. I laugh and
cry at the same time and the Women keep hugging me as J lugs the
groceries for me. They break up once they realize how many bags I have
and they lug them in as i walk with them.
I thank them profusely and they say it's no trouble at all and hug me again.
They spent all night tonight keeping me entertained, telling funny
stories about Naropa and I helped them make dinner and we talk about
my family and who I met on the plane and about my Girls in Longmont *I
start crying again and tell them how much I love them!*, and finally
after a bath I find myself in here typing this up.
I shut down the computer and head to bed thinking:
"I'm okay. The Girls are okay. We made it!!!"
I realize as soon as my brain finishes that thought: "I didn't call Dad!"
I pop up so fast I almost throw myself on the floor! I start giggling
and now I can't stop!! I hope the others aren't going to bed yet!! I
grab the phone and dial the number I've had for 15 years. Wow, 15
years??? That's a loooong time! I think this just as a groggy male
voice says: "Hello?"
I feel like I should be stage whispering now. . .
"Hi Daddy, it's me!! I just wanted to let you know I got here safely. . ."
"Hi Babygirl, glad to hear it."
I apologize for calling so late and tell him how busy I was and
everything we did that day. I just can't stop myself and he listens
patiently though I know he's tired.
I hope he doesn't work tomorrow so he can sleep in I think.
He says yeah, and right, and uh-huh. in all the right places.
Finally I thank him for listening and apologize again. He says it's
okay and he loves me and to get a good night's sleep because it sounds
like I'll be busy tomorrow!
I laugh quietly and smile and thank him.
I tell him I love him and I miss him already and I hope he's not
working tomorrow! He laughs and says he is, but it's okay.
We say I love you one more time before hanging up and now, now I can sleep!!
I drift off with his voice and then Olivia's in my head.
He's right. January 4th runs by so do Saturday and Sunday and before I
know it, I'm at orientation, but that's another story for another
time!!
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Dear Pain:
Originally Posted: Date: Sat, 4 Dec 2010 03:22:42 -0500
I must say, you drive quite the hard bargain. In fact, after this
morning's episode, I know why people drink & take drugs. I know why
they kill themselves. Am I advocating any of these things? Of course
not, but I have an even better understanding of why they happen. &
this coming from one of the former Queens of Suicidal Ideation. If
anyone had ever bothered to really give a fuck, they probably would
have locked me up for a decade or so. Lucky me, they didn't, otherwise
I wouldn't be here writing this right now.
Anyway, I've been feeling topsy turvy for days & thanks to one simple
comment, I finally exploded. Funny, I never would have guessed I could
be so vocal & outraged having just awoken maybe 10 minutes ago *at the
time I lashed out*, but I was that enraged & in pain & I ran with it.
I screamed my lungs out to two CD's worth of Seether songs, though
since SHAUN writes both fierce rage/pain & more melodic, slow,
boiling, brooding pain, it was more like one CD's worth of songs, but
using 2 CD's. Anyway, I shredded my chords, I'm surprised they don't
hurt! & it turned out to be just the thing to get images flowing. I've
been trying to figure out where I can go to release ALL of the pain at
once, instead of in chunks, fits & starts like I have been at the
moment. Reason being that the parents were gone this morning, but what
if I'd woken up in a good mood & hadn't seen the comment? Then I
wouldn't have been angry & if I wanted to release some pain I would
have had to put myself in that mood to release it. Luckily today,
things naturally fell into place.
Anyway, I now know what I want, in terms of a place to go, so while I
hate you in theory, I really have to say I appreciate you for the
simple fact of giving me some much needed clarity.
I want to be in a place where I can release my pain openly & without
fear. So a hotel is out of the question, unless they actually have a
hotel for this speciffic purpose. I want a CD player with loud
speakers so I can blast my music to set the mood *as it were*. I want
to be wearing loose-fitting, comfortable clothes so I can move freely.
I want tables & chairs scattered about the room, flimsy, maybe even
ones that I've asked someone to make simply for the purpose of
destroying them, so that their flimsy, breakable but I'm not wrecking
someone else's property. An old computer with a hammer sitting next to
it would be right up my alley as well, again something I can break &
smash into a million little pieces. Some cardboard people I can rip up
& shred a strong *think industrial strength strong* punching bag that
I can not only punch, but kick! Something I can grab onto & shake back
& forth, something I can really wrench & yank on.
For safety, some glasses like we had in woodworking class *for when
I'm breaking things*, & definitely some gloves so that the damage to
my knuckles & hands will be minimal.
For the CD's themselves, it'd be alot of Korn & Seether, some 5
Fingered Death Punch, Staind, Nirvana, Slipknot & Eminem.
Afterward, a woman to hold me & let me cry on her shoulder. That's why
the retreat/other people kept coming into play. I don't have to rage
in front of a room full of women, but one woman who could handle
watching me lose it or coming into the aftermath of it & comforting me
afterward would work nicely for me.
So thank you for giving me clarity.
Love,
Chelle
I must say, you drive quite the hard bargain. In fact, after this
morning's episode, I know why people drink & take drugs. I know why
they kill themselves. Am I advocating any of these things? Of course
not, but I have an even better understanding of why they happen. &
this coming from one of the former Queens of Suicidal Ideation. If
anyone had ever bothered to really give a fuck, they probably would
have locked me up for a decade or so. Lucky me, they didn't, otherwise
I wouldn't be here writing this right now.
Anyway, I've been feeling topsy turvy for days & thanks to one simple
comment, I finally exploded. Funny, I never would have guessed I could
be so vocal & outraged having just awoken maybe 10 minutes ago *at the
time I lashed out*, but I was that enraged & in pain & I ran with it.
I screamed my lungs out to two CD's worth of Seether songs, though
since SHAUN writes both fierce rage/pain & more melodic, slow,
boiling, brooding pain, it was more like one CD's worth of songs, but
using 2 CD's. Anyway, I shredded my chords, I'm surprised they don't
hurt! & it turned out to be just the thing to get images flowing. I've
been trying to figure out where I can go to release ALL of the pain at
once, instead of in chunks, fits & starts like I have been at the
moment. Reason being that the parents were gone this morning, but what
if I'd woken up in a good mood & hadn't seen the comment? Then I
wouldn't have been angry & if I wanted to release some pain I would
have had to put myself in that mood to release it. Luckily today,
things naturally fell into place.
Anyway, I now know what I want, in terms of a place to go, so while I
hate you in theory, I really have to say I appreciate you for the
simple fact of giving me some much needed clarity.
I want to be in a place where I can release my pain openly & without
fear. So a hotel is out of the question, unless they actually have a
hotel for this speciffic purpose. I want a CD player with loud
speakers so I can blast my music to set the mood *as it were*. I want
to be wearing loose-fitting, comfortable clothes so I can move freely.
I want tables & chairs scattered about the room, flimsy, maybe even
ones that I've asked someone to make simply for the purpose of
destroying them, so that their flimsy, breakable but I'm not wrecking
someone else's property. An old computer with a hammer sitting next to
it would be right up my alley as well, again something I can break &
smash into a million little pieces. Some cardboard people I can rip up
& shred a strong *think industrial strength strong* punching bag that
I can not only punch, but kick! Something I can grab onto & shake back
& forth, something I can really wrench & yank on.
For safety, some glasses like we had in woodworking class *for when
I'm breaking things*, & definitely some gloves so that the damage to
my knuckles & hands will be minimal.
For the CD's themselves, it'd be alot of Korn & Seether, some 5
Fingered Death Punch, Staind, Nirvana, Slipknot & Eminem.
Afterward, a woman to hold me & let me cry on her shoulder. That's why
the retreat/other people kept coming into play. I don't have to rage
in front of a room full of women, but one woman who could handle
watching me lose it or coming into the aftermath of it & comforting me
afterward would work nicely for me.
So thank you for giving me clarity.
Love,
Chelle
Dear Kim:
Originally Posted: Date: Thu, 2 Dec 2010 22:31:42 -0500
*Written to my mother as a little girl, because my little girl self &
her little girl self somehow became entangled* & it's time to drop
that entanglement!
Dear Kim:
This is Michelle here, you know me as Lisa, for that is how I was
born. Well, I'm not Lisa anymore, I'm Michelle. This is Big Michelle,
the adult version of myself & I need to talk to you. What I am about
to say will hurt, & for that I am sorry, but K has made it exceedingly
difficult for me to stay connected with her, therefore, I must also
drop childhood connections with you in order to release myself fully.
You have been sexually abused, your mother *the grandmother* hasn't
been much of a mother to you at all, but she's all you have. Your
father *the grandfather* hasn't been much of one either. He left when
you were tiny & actually tried to pay your mother to take you back.
First & foremost, know that I have always seen & heard you, that's
what makes this break so difficult & painful & yet necessary. Not only
have I seen & heard you, I have always loved & cared for you. When I
was born in fact, K tried to ensure that I would worship & adore her
so I wouldn't abandon her. In doing so, that's how Baby Michelle & you
met & became so tightly bonded. K would tell me that I had no
understanding of her life circumstances, but truth be told, I had to
good of an understanding.
Secondly, know that I don't blame, hate or resent you in any way. You
are a child, just as Baby Michelle is & I could never blame you for
any of this.
I wish I had inspiring words for you but I don't. K hasn't tried to
change her life. She is happy with a less than boyfriend whose been
nothing but mean to her. She is happy with the way her life is & for
whatever reason, she doesn't intend to change, even after her
diagnosis of Scleroderma & the threat of losing me *supposedly the
best thing she ever did in her life* having loomed large & officially
come to pass.
What I can tell you is this. I always saw & heard you loud & clear. I
loved you endlessly & would have done anything for you. In fact, I
still wish there was something I could do for you, but we aren't one
in the same anymore.
I promise to remember the good that came out of our relationship & the
great lessons you've taught me. I hope you will do the same.
& always remember, YOU ARE beautiful, inside & out.
Goodbye Little Girl,
I love you.
Big Michelle & Baby Michelle
--
"Something in the way. . .
Hmmm. . .
Something in the way. . .
Hmmmm. . ."
--Kurt Cobain "Something In The Way"
"Pain? You don't know what pain is!!"--Author Unknown
*Written to my mother as a little girl, because my little girl self &
her little girl self somehow became entangled* & it's time to drop
that entanglement!
Dear Kim:
This is Michelle here, you know me as Lisa, for that is how I was
born. Well, I'm not Lisa anymore, I'm Michelle. This is Big Michelle,
the adult version of myself & I need to talk to you. What I am about
to say will hurt, & for that I am sorry, but K has made it exceedingly
difficult for me to stay connected with her, therefore, I must also
drop childhood connections with you in order to release myself fully.
You have been sexually abused, your mother *the grandmother* hasn't
been much of a mother to you at all, but she's all you have. Your
father *the grandfather* hasn't been much of one either. He left when
you were tiny & actually tried to pay your mother to take you back.
First & foremost, know that I have always seen & heard you, that's
what makes this break so difficult & painful & yet necessary. Not only
have I seen & heard you, I have always loved & cared for you. When I
was born in fact, K tried to ensure that I would worship & adore her
so I wouldn't abandon her. In doing so, that's how Baby Michelle & you
met & became so tightly bonded. K would tell me that I had no
understanding of her life circumstances, but truth be told, I had to
good of an understanding.
Secondly, know that I don't blame, hate or resent you in any way. You
are a child, just as Baby Michelle is & I could never blame you for
any of this.
I wish I had inspiring words for you but I don't. K hasn't tried to
change her life. She is happy with a less than boyfriend whose been
nothing but mean to her. She is happy with the way her life is & for
whatever reason, she doesn't intend to change, even after her
diagnosis of Scleroderma & the threat of losing me *supposedly the
best thing she ever did in her life* having loomed large & officially
come to pass.
What I can tell you is this. I always saw & heard you loud & clear. I
loved you endlessly & would have done anything for you. In fact, I
still wish there was something I could do for you, but we aren't one
in the same anymore.
I promise to remember the good that came out of our relationship & the
great lessons you've taught me. I hope you will do the same.
& always remember, YOU ARE beautiful, inside & out.
Goodbye Little Girl,
I love you.
Big Michelle & Baby Michelle
--
"Something in the way. . .
Hmmm. . .
Something in the way. . .
Hmmmm. . ."
--Kurt Cobain "Something In The Way"
"Pain? You don't know what pain is!!"--Author Unknown
Part II: My Confession
Originally Posted: Date: Sun, 7 Nov 2010 13:57:03 -0500
Here, my surgical confession pinkies!
Last night I said I'd been dragging my feet on posting my first blog.
Today, I officially end that by sharing an experience I had when I was
9 years old. I've never shared it with anyone before *except my
mother, but she doesn't count since her reaction was null & void*.
When I was 9, I went to a new hospital located in North Carolina for
surgery. Same plastic surgeon, new hospital.
It was actually my second time at this children's hospital, but the
first time I had done just fine. I don't know what was different about
my second visit, but whatever it was, the surgery definitely didn't go
as planned, for any of us!
The morning was as usual, sitting in the waiting room, just 'waiting'
to be called back, starving like no other & jealous of everyone who
was able to eat! Lol. Then they let mom come into the pre-op room, we
met with the anesthetist team, they told me what would happen & so
forth. A while later, the anesthesiologist wheeled me back to the
operating room & started asking me about home. Did I have
brothers/sisters? How many? Where did I live?
I didn't start going to sleep with the I.V until a bit later in my
surgical career *if you will*, so the time came to put me to sleep,
with that big, bad, smelly, dreaded mask. *how I saw it back then*.
'Lay down, please.'
I did, but my mind & body apparently weren't working in accordance
with each other, because I sat right back up & grabbed him in a bear
hug.
My arms absolutely refused to let go, so the nurses stepped in.
They pulled me back on the bed & held me
down. I fought like crazy *for whatever reason, fear I guess, though I
don't know why since I'd been going through that hell for 9 years
already*, but there were hands on my arms & legs & I couldn't fight
them all off. As a kid, it felt like there were hundreds of hands on
me, holding, pressing, keeping me down & trapped. The mask was
pushed over my face & that was the end of my fight. I don't remember
anything after that. I didn't even tell anyone it had happened until
last year, I told my mother
finally. A big mistake because she just said: 'Why didn't you tell me
earlier? Stop crying. It's done & over with now.' I should have
expected that. I don't know if anyone ever told Doc A either,
but I do know he wasn't in the room. If he had been that never would
have happened. Every time after that, I remember him being there
scrubbing up & talking to me, so maybe someone did tell him. Either
way, I quit complaining after that, vocally & otherwise. I
programmed myself to chat everyone up & smile hugely like I was
going off to some great slumber party.
I suppose I new from prior experience that it wouldn't help to tell
anyone. I still had to have the surgeries. They weren't going to let
me out of it, because these were necessary surgeries, the ones that
have kept me alive. My doc didn't start doing bone grafts on me until
around that age, & if he hadn't done them, my face would have caved in
under the weight of my growing muscles, tissues etc, & I would have
died by my teens.
So I shut it out, walled it off & blocked it up.
I hope this will help others to pay close attention to their kids &
what's going on with them. I also hope if any doctors read this, it'll
help them to remember to see their patients not just as patients, but
as people.
I need to make it clear, in no way do I hold Doc A responsible. He
wasn't in the room, wasn't anywhere near me when this happened. He's a
great doc with a fantastic bedside manner! He works hard to get to
know his patients, their likes & interests, he cracks jokes with them
& has even invited us to his home for dinner. He's brought candy &
gifts to our bedsides during holiday stays & I can't say enough good
things about him! My family wouldn't have followed him from Michigan
to North Carolina if he wasn't a great doctor & a great man. We
wouldn't have battled the insurance company or driven the 14-18 hour
trips, or been the only ones who made it there in 1993 when they had a
massive snow storm, so unlikely to have hit NC! Lol. He couldn't
believe we'd made it when people who were right across the street at
the Ronald McDonald house or just a few streets over were cancelling
their appointments & rescheduling their surgeries!
I just wanted people to be aware & provide some insight so that maybe
they can find another way to handle a child next time around. After I
told my mother I didn't tell anyone else until Thursday night when I
told my Body coach. So at the moment it doesn't feel like it's helping
much. I've been feeling like throwing up or crying,
& unable to decide which will win out when I talk about it.
If it helps someone else though, I'm all for it & I can deal with my
feelings around it. I hated the complete lack of control I felt & the
helplessness of it all. Hopefully by sharing & dropping the secret
into the ether, I can get over some of my control issues & some of my
body issues.
So here's to fresh starts!
Love,
Chelle
Here, my surgical confession pinkies!
Last night I said I'd been dragging my feet on posting my first blog.
Today, I officially end that by sharing an experience I had when I was
9 years old. I've never shared it with anyone before *except my
mother, but she doesn't count since her reaction was null & void*.
When I was 9, I went to a new hospital located in North Carolina for
surgery. Same plastic surgeon, new hospital.
It was actually my second time at this children's hospital, but the
first time I had done just fine. I don't know what was different about
my second visit, but whatever it was, the surgery definitely didn't go
as planned, for any of us!
The morning was as usual, sitting in the waiting room, just 'waiting'
to be called back, starving like no other & jealous of everyone who
was able to eat! Lol. Then they let mom come into the pre-op room, we
met with the anesthetist team, they told me what would happen & so
forth. A while later, the anesthesiologist wheeled me back to the
operating room & started asking me about home. Did I have
brothers/sisters? How many? Where did I live?
I didn't start going to sleep with the I.V until a bit later in my
surgical career *if you will*, so the time came to put me to sleep,
with that big, bad, smelly, dreaded mask. *how I saw it back then*.
'Lay down, please.'
I did, but my mind & body apparently weren't working in accordance
with each other, because I sat right back up & grabbed him in a bear
hug.
My arms absolutely refused to let go, so the nurses stepped in.
They pulled me back on the bed & held me
down. I fought like crazy *for whatever reason, fear I guess, though I
don't know why since I'd been going through that hell for 9 years
already*, but there were hands on my arms & legs & I couldn't fight
them all off. As a kid, it felt like there were hundreds of hands on
me, holding, pressing, keeping me down & trapped. The mask was
pushed over my face & that was the end of my fight. I don't remember
anything after that. I didn't even tell anyone it had happened until
last year, I told my mother
finally. A big mistake because she just said: 'Why didn't you tell me
earlier? Stop crying. It's done & over with now.' I should have
expected that. I don't know if anyone ever told Doc A either,
but I do know he wasn't in the room. If he had been that never would
have happened. Every time after that, I remember him being there
scrubbing up & talking to me, so maybe someone did tell him. Either
way, I quit complaining after that, vocally & otherwise. I
programmed myself to chat everyone up & smile hugely like I was
going off to some great slumber party.
I suppose I new from prior experience that it wouldn't help to tell
anyone. I still had to have the surgeries. They weren't going to let
me out of it, because these were necessary surgeries, the ones that
have kept me alive. My doc didn't start doing bone grafts on me until
around that age, & if he hadn't done them, my face would have caved in
under the weight of my growing muscles, tissues etc, & I would have
died by my teens.
So I shut it out, walled it off & blocked it up.
I hope this will help others to pay close attention to their kids &
what's going on with them. I also hope if any doctors read this, it'll
help them to remember to see their patients not just as patients, but
as people.
I need to make it clear, in no way do I hold Doc A responsible. He
wasn't in the room, wasn't anywhere near me when this happened. He's a
great doc with a fantastic bedside manner! He works hard to get to
know his patients, their likes & interests, he cracks jokes with them
& has even invited us to his home for dinner. He's brought candy &
gifts to our bedsides during holiday stays & I can't say enough good
things about him! My family wouldn't have followed him from Michigan
to North Carolina if he wasn't a great doctor & a great man. We
wouldn't have battled the insurance company or driven the 14-18 hour
trips, or been the only ones who made it there in 1993 when they had a
massive snow storm, so unlikely to have hit NC! Lol. He couldn't
believe we'd made it when people who were right across the street at
the Ronald McDonald house or just a few streets over were cancelling
their appointments & rescheduling their surgeries!
I just wanted people to be aware & provide some insight so that maybe
they can find another way to handle a child next time around. After I
told my mother I didn't tell anyone else until Thursday night when I
told my Body coach. So at the moment it doesn't feel like it's helping
much. I've been feeling like throwing up or crying,
& unable to decide which will win out when I talk about it.
If it helps someone else though, I'm all for it & I can deal with my
feelings around it. I hated the complete lack of control I felt & the
helplessness of it all. Hopefully by sharing & dropping the secret
into the ether, I can get over some of my control issues & some of my
body issues.
So here's to fresh starts!
Love,
Chelle
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