I am sick, very sick
Don't watch the news, this is why
Why a child? I am sick and empty in a sobbing heap.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
My Epic Poem: White Privilege, based on Robert Campbell's Work
Death, despair, the end!
Suicide, murder of self, of the other.
Must leave! Run! Escape! Flee!
Naropa! Land of opportunity!
Drumming, chanting!
Belong not at sublet,
belong at Naropa!
End all, be all, holy grail!
Not holy no grail, class misery.
Race, sex, religion.
Not fair! Nothing is fair!
No justice, just injustice!
Feeling of white trash.
Guilt washes over me.
I am half, othered and separated! Again.
blind but half white.
Daddy is brown
Mommy is white
I am confused
Why am I even here?
I input and develop things and people
I am empathetic and responsible
Are these things really strenths?
Feels like just another burden to carry.
I am priviliged?
Blind, mixed race, overweight and disfigured face,
but I am half white, therefore I am priviliged
Bisexual, maybe not even bisexual, but just sexual
and yet I am priviliged because I speak English and can pass for a white woman
Living in poverty,
my family, unable to vacation without using the Christmas money to travel
Under threat of foreclosure and may lose my dear sweet KittyKitty,
but I am priviliged because I can get an education
Education not necessarily wanted let alone deserved,
Rather volunteer my whole life
rock and hold babies,
care for animals
Take this education and do good!
Even if doing good will suck my soul right out of me,
smother and bury me in others' pain,
Do good; for that is why I am here, to do good!
Suicide, murder of self, of the other.
Must leave! Run! Escape! Flee!
Naropa! Land of opportunity!
Drumming, chanting!
Belong not at sublet,
belong at Naropa!
End all, be all, holy grail!
Not holy no grail, class misery.
Race, sex, religion.
Not fair! Nothing is fair!
No justice, just injustice!
Feeling of white trash.
Guilt washes over me.
I am half, othered and separated! Again.
blind but half white.
Daddy is brown
Mommy is white
I am confused
Why am I even here?
I input and develop things and people
I am empathetic and responsible
Are these things really strenths?
Feels like just another burden to carry.
I am priviliged?
Blind, mixed race, overweight and disfigured face,
but I am half white, therefore I am priviliged
Bisexual, maybe not even bisexual, but just sexual
and yet I am priviliged because I speak English and can pass for a white woman
Living in poverty,
my family, unable to vacation without using the Christmas money to travel
Under threat of foreclosure and may lose my dear sweet KittyKitty,
but I am priviliged because I can get an education
Education not necessarily wanted let alone deserved,
Rather volunteer my whole life
rock and hold babies,
care for animals
Take this education and do good!
Even if doing good will suck my soul right out of me,
smother and bury me in others' pain,
Do good; for that is why I am here, to do good!
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Under And Over It!
Yeah go!
Did you hear the one about me being a punk?
Did you hear the one about me being a drunk?
Did you hear the one about me losing my nerve?
Or how I'm just another fucking sheep in the herd?
Did you hear about the money, how it made me change?
So funny to me, all the time that they waste!
Did you hear the one about me giving a shit?
Cause if I ever did, I don't remember it!
You can be me, and I will be you.
You can live just like a star.
I'll take my sin, and you take the fame!
I'm under and over it all!
I'm under and over it!
Did you hear the one about me playing the game?
Selling my soul and changing my name.
Did you hear the one about me being a prick?
Did you know I don't care? You can suck my!!
Did you hear the one about me trying to die?
Fist in the air and a finger to the sky.
Do I care if you hate me? Do you wanna know the truth?
C'est la vie, adios, good riddance, fuck you!
You can be me and I will be you.
You can live just like a star.
I'll take my sanity, you take the fame.
I'm under and over it all.
(I'm under and over it!)
I'm, I'm, I'm under and over it!
I'm, I'm, I'm under and over it!
You can be me and I will be you.
You can live just like a star.
I'll take my sanity, you take the fame.
I'm under and over it all!
(I'm under and over it!)
I'm under and over it all!
(I'm under and over it!)
I'm, I'm, I'm under and over it!
I'm, I'm, I'm under and over it!
Did you hear the one about me being a punk?
Did you hear the one about me being a drunk?
Did you hear the one about me losing my nerve?
Or how I'm just another fucking sheep in the herd?
Did you hear about the money, how it made me change?
So funny to me, all the time that they waste!
Did you hear the one about me giving a shit?
Cause if I ever did, I don't remember it!
You can be me, and I will be you.
You can live just like a star.
I'll take my sin, and you take the fame!
I'm under and over it all!
I'm under and over it!
Did you hear the one about me playing the game?
Selling my soul and changing my name.
Did you hear the one about me being a prick?
Did you know I don't care? You can suck my!!
Did you hear the one about me trying to die?
Fist in the air and a finger to the sky.
Do I care if you hate me? Do you wanna know the truth?
C'est la vie, adios, good riddance, fuck you!
You can be me and I will be you.
You can live just like a star.
I'll take my sanity, you take the fame.
I'm under and over it all.
(I'm under and over it!)
I'm, I'm, I'm under and over it!
I'm, I'm, I'm under and over it!
You can be me and I will be you.
You can live just like a star.
I'll take my sanity, you take the fame.
I'm under and over it all!
(I'm under and over it!)
I'm under and over it all!
(I'm under and over it!)
I'm, I'm, I'm under and over it!
I'm, I'm, I'm under and over it!
"FAKE IT"
How fitting. . .
Who's to know if your soul will fade at all
The one you sold to fool the world
You lost your self-esteem along the way
Yeah
Good god your comin' up with reasons
Good god your dragging it out
Good god its the changing of the seasons
I feel so raped
So follow me down
And just fake it if your out of direction
Fake it if you don't belong here
Fake it if you feel like an infection
Woah your such a fuckin' hypocrite
And you should know that the lies wont hide your flaws
No sense in hiding all of yours
You gave up on your dreams along the way
Yeah
Good god your comin' up with reasons
Good god your dragging it out
Good god its the changing of the seasons
I feel so raped
So follow me down
And just fake it if your out of direction
Fake it if you don't belong here
Fake it if you feel like an infection
Woah your such a fuckin' hypocrite
Whoah whoah
I can fake with the best of anyone
I can fake with the best of em all
I can fake with the best of anyone
I can fake it all
Who's to know if your soul will fade at all
The one you sold to fool the world
You lost your self-esteem along the way
Yeah
Good god your comin' up with reasons
Good god your dragging it out
Good god its the changing of the seasons
I feel so raped
So follow me down
And just fake it if your out of direction
Fake it if you don't belong here
Fake it if you feel like an infection
Woah your such a fuckin' hypocrite
Fake it if your out of direction
Fake it if you don't belong here
Fake it if you feel like an infection
Woah your such a fuckin' hypocrite
Who's to know if your soul will fade at all
The one you sold to fool the world
You lost your self-esteem along the way
Yeah
Good god your comin' up with reasons
Good god your dragging it out
Good god its the changing of the seasons
I feel so raped
So follow me down
And just fake it if your out of direction
Fake it if you don't belong here
Fake it if you feel like an infection
Woah your such a fuckin' hypocrite
And you should know that the lies wont hide your flaws
No sense in hiding all of yours
You gave up on your dreams along the way
Yeah
Good god your comin' up with reasons
Good god your dragging it out
Good god its the changing of the seasons
I feel so raped
So follow me down
And just fake it if your out of direction
Fake it if you don't belong here
Fake it if you feel like an infection
Woah your such a fuckin' hypocrite
Whoah whoah
I can fake with the best of anyone
I can fake with the best of em all
I can fake with the best of anyone
I can fake it all
Who's to know if your soul will fade at all
The one you sold to fool the world
You lost your self-esteem along the way
Yeah
Good god your comin' up with reasons
Good god your dragging it out
Good god its the changing of the seasons
I feel so raped
So follow me down
And just fake it if your out of direction
Fake it if you don't belong here
Fake it if you feel like an infection
Woah your such a fuckin' hypocrite
Fake it if your out of direction
Fake it if you don't belong here
Fake it if you feel like an infection
Woah your such a fuckin' hypocrite
Thoughts On A Suicide
Knife hunting.
Small, not sharp enough.
Doesn't even hurt. Too numb.
Stuck it to my wrist, pressed hard. . .
Nothing! A tiny scrape.
Noone will notice.
They won't even see, just like they don't see me.
Not even a taste of blood.
Thought about just biting, went scarf hunting.
Am I really that stupid?
Scarf is gone, can't remember where.
Must have packed it, don't remember when.
If it was day time and they were gone,
I'd just slam my head against something.
It's night time though and their all here.
So beautiful, so perfect. . .
Not me, nothing like me.
Why is it when I slide,
I slide so far and so deep?
Always deep.
It's never a tiny climb back from the abyss.
It's always work.
Knife is small and worthless,
But I consider trying again.
Feel like crying but can't.
Feel like running!
Feel like screaming!
This must be darkness.
Been here before,
to many times.
How many more?
Today will come to pass,
But one day won't.
With any luck,
One day soon.
Very soon.
Wish I didn't have tolerance built up.
Such a tolerance for everything. . .
drugs, alcohol, living.
To tolerant, too much.
Too empty.
Too lonely, too much pain.
Can't stop thinking about it,
Cutting my throat,
Slicing open my stomach and trailing intestines.
To dirty just like me.
To nasty, to sticky, to messy.
Just like me.
Too sick, too sad, too dull, too much feeling.
Too hopeless, too unhappy.
Too brokenhearted, too miserable.
Too crushed, too broken.
Too much love, too much hate.
Too much guilt, too much disease.
Too full of medications from the past, too many surgeries.
Too much, just too much.
Always talk about her being crazy. . .
I come from her and I'm crazy. . .
It's all a joke though, one big joke.
Why is her disease real and mine not?
Anything I have is fake,
Unless you can see it on me, in me.
They don't. I think they refuse.
This too will be chalked up to another goofy plea for help.
"You're leaving in a couple months! It's ok! You'll be okay until
then! Trust us!"
I don't. I don't trust you.
I don't trust me!!!
I'm not okay.
I wasn't okay before, I won't be now.
I never have been. I was never okay.
Don't even know where to go from here.
Leaving her will kill me, but staying will kill me.
10 fingers and 10 toes, cooing and content. . .
How can I leave that?
How can I stay?
I said it before,
She was the one thing that could hold me here.
I don't know what would hurt worse,
having a relationship with her by staying. . .
or not staying and then coming back here to discover she doesn't remember me.
Actually I do. . .
Her not remembering would be worse. . . much worse.
Classes are planned out, schedule is done.
It's experiential you know. . .
More experience, less academic rigor.
Still knife hunting, even if only in my head.
Rather be a nothing than a painful memory.
Keep seeing death. . .
Closed caskets and frozen bodies.
Made up faces and cold lifeless fingers.
Funereal dresses and vaults deep in the earth.
I seek peace where there is none.
Keep seeking solace where there's none to be found.
Keep seeking truth where only lies exist.
Keep seeking my place where there's no place to be had.
Keep seeking and searching and wandering where there's nothing to be
sought out and no rest to be had.
Even a 4.0 GPA is meaningless in this place.
All the men I've loved are meaningless here,
all married or unavailable. . .
Women to busy for me.
Money to elusive.
I only need enough for a Baby!!
Just enough for a Baby!!
Stomach burns with failure.
Wish I could vomit myself to death. . .
I've found modest amounts of comfort in her,
but how can I take from one so tiny?
So beautifully formed and adorable?
She's not mine, she's not mine. . .
Can bearly type that.
Feels like the words alone will be the death of me.
To bad that's just a feeling.
Need a knife. . .
Maybe I'll use that one if I get desperate enough.
Thought I was desperate enough, guess not.
Still feel the burning and the breaking.
Feels like fire, it is fire.
I said earth was hell, knew I was right.
There is no devil,
just me, my own worst enemy.
Maybe I'll run instead.
Go for a walk, run in front of a car.
Not the ideal way to go, but when there's nothing left. . .
Can't be helped.
Nothing else to do.
Small, not sharp enough.
Doesn't even hurt. Too numb.
Stuck it to my wrist, pressed hard. . .
Nothing! A tiny scrape.
Noone will notice.
They won't even see, just like they don't see me.
Not even a taste of blood.
Thought about just biting, went scarf hunting.
Am I really that stupid?
Scarf is gone, can't remember where.
Must have packed it, don't remember when.
If it was day time and they were gone,
I'd just slam my head against something.
It's night time though and their all here.
So beautiful, so perfect. . .
Not me, nothing like me.
Why is it when I slide,
I slide so far and so deep?
Always deep.
It's never a tiny climb back from the abyss.
It's always work.
Knife is small and worthless,
But I consider trying again.
Feel like crying but can't.
Feel like running!
Feel like screaming!
This must be darkness.
Been here before,
to many times.
How many more?
Today will come to pass,
But one day won't.
With any luck,
One day soon.
Very soon.
Wish I didn't have tolerance built up.
Such a tolerance for everything. . .
drugs, alcohol, living.
To tolerant, too much.
Too empty.
Too lonely, too much pain.
Can't stop thinking about it,
Cutting my throat,
Slicing open my stomach and trailing intestines.
To dirty just like me.
To nasty, to sticky, to messy.
Just like me.
Too sick, too sad, too dull, too much feeling.
Too hopeless, too unhappy.
Too brokenhearted, too miserable.
Too crushed, too broken.
Too much love, too much hate.
Too much guilt, too much disease.
Too full of medications from the past, too many surgeries.
Too much, just too much.
Always talk about her being crazy. . .
I come from her and I'm crazy. . .
It's all a joke though, one big joke.
Why is her disease real and mine not?
Anything I have is fake,
Unless you can see it on me, in me.
They don't. I think they refuse.
This too will be chalked up to another goofy plea for help.
"You're leaving in a couple months! It's ok! You'll be okay until
then! Trust us!"
I don't. I don't trust you.
I don't trust me!!!
I'm not okay.
I wasn't okay before, I won't be now.
I never have been. I was never okay.
Don't even know where to go from here.
Leaving her will kill me, but staying will kill me.
10 fingers and 10 toes, cooing and content. . .
How can I leave that?
How can I stay?
I said it before,
She was the one thing that could hold me here.
I don't know what would hurt worse,
having a relationship with her by staying. . .
or not staying and then coming back here to discover she doesn't remember me.
Actually I do. . .
Her not remembering would be worse. . . much worse.
Classes are planned out, schedule is done.
It's experiential you know. . .
More experience, less academic rigor.
Still knife hunting, even if only in my head.
Rather be a nothing than a painful memory.
Keep seeing death. . .
Closed caskets and frozen bodies.
Made up faces and cold lifeless fingers.
Funereal dresses and vaults deep in the earth.
I seek peace where there is none.
Keep seeking solace where there's none to be found.
Keep seeking truth where only lies exist.
Keep seeking my place where there's no place to be had.
Keep seeking and searching and wandering where there's nothing to be
sought out and no rest to be had.
Even a 4.0 GPA is meaningless in this place.
All the men I've loved are meaningless here,
all married or unavailable. . .
Women to busy for me.
Money to elusive.
I only need enough for a Baby!!
Just enough for a Baby!!
Stomach burns with failure.
Wish I could vomit myself to death. . .
I've found modest amounts of comfort in her,
but how can I take from one so tiny?
So beautifully formed and adorable?
She's not mine, she's not mine. . .
Can bearly type that.
Feels like the words alone will be the death of me.
To bad that's just a feeling.
Need a knife. . .
Maybe I'll use that one if I get desperate enough.
Thought I was desperate enough, guess not.
Still feel the burning and the breaking.
Feels like fire, it is fire.
I said earth was hell, knew I was right.
There is no devil,
just me, my own worst enemy.
Maybe I'll run instead.
Go for a walk, run in front of a car.
Not the ideal way to go, but when there's nothing left. . .
Can't be helped.
Nothing else to do.
Untitled
Came home tonight after seeing Baby.
I've never been so brokenhearted in my life. Never been happier
either. Happy and healthy!!
NOT MINE!
I can't sleep. I've laid in bed for the past 3 hours thinking about
ending it. Why is it that I always think about it and yet, haven't
ever succeded at it?
Not that I haven't tried, I've just always failed.
No prospects and I'll be 28 on January 14th 2014 if I make it that long.
Why haven't I just gone ahead and cut? I don't know.
I can feel it. I can feel the blood racing through my veins and out of me.
Nobody would find me till morning. She's really better off without me
if I'm only going to do this anyway.
No sense having her grow up with me for a few months and then ending it.
Might as well cut off the pain at the source before it gets worse,
before it hurts her.
Congratulations? I'd rathe be drunk. Rather stick a needle full of
poison in my arm, rather swallow a bottle of cleaning fluid, rather do
anything but be here!!
I fucking hate here! I hate there to! I hate everywhere!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I used to hate people who had a life. . . now I hate everybody! People
with kids, people with partners, hell, I fucking hate people with
prospects!!!!!!!!!! Even they have more than I do!
I hate people with money and people who can drive and people who are
happy and people who don't have kids and don't want them and are
happy!!!!!!
I hate this and if I had will enough I'd end it already!
Even if cutting hurts, it won't hurt for long, just a little. . .
besides, I'm used to it. So I would normally be asleep when they cut
me open. . . who the fuck cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Where is my partner?????
Where is my baby???????????
Why the fuck am I so hated???????????
Why am I so unlovable?????????????
Why am I not good enough, smart enough, gentle enough, caring enough,
compassionate enough?????????????????
I know I'm not alone and yet, that's no consolation.
To be brutally honest, I don't fucking care that I'm not
alone!!!!!!!!! So fucking what!!!!!!!!!! Should I be HAPPY because I'm
not alone????????
Well fuck self-righteous fuckers who think like that! Kiss my ass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Who the fuck are you to say what I ought to feel????????
Eat shit and die!!!!!!!! Go fuck yourself and fuck everything you
stand for while you're at it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Give me what I fucking want and then I'll be quiet. Until then, fuck
off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I've never been so brokenhearted in my life. Never been happier
either. Happy and healthy!!
NOT MINE!
I can't sleep. I've laid in bed for the past 3 hours thinking about
ending it. Why is it that I always think about it and yet, haven't
ever succeded at it?
Not that I haven't tried, I've just always failed.
No prospects and I'll be 28 on January 14th 2014 if I make it that long.
Why haven't I just gone ahead and cut? I don't know.
I can feel it. I can feel the blood racing through my veins and out of me.
Nobody would find me till morning. She's really better off without me
if I'm only going to do this anyway.
No sense having her grow up with me for a few months and then ending it.
Might as well cut off the pain at the source before it gets worse,
before it hurts her.
Congratulations? I'd rathe be drunk. Rather stick a needle full of
poison in my arm, rather swallow a bottle of cleaning fluid, rather do
anything but be here!!
I fucking hate here! I hate there to! I hate everywhere!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I used to hate people who had a life. . . now I hate everybody! People
with kids, people with partners, hell, I fucking hate people with
prospects!!!!!!!!!! Even they have more than I do!
I hate people with money and people who can drive and people who are
happy and people who don't have kids and don't want them and are
happy!!!!!!
I hate this and if I had will enough I'd end it already!
Even if cutting hurts, it won't hurt for long, just a little. . .
besides, I'm used to it. So I would normally be asleep when they cut
me open. . . who the fuck cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Where is my partner?????
Where is my baby???????????
Why the fuck am I so hated???????????
Why am I so unlovable?????????????
Why am I not good enough, smart enough, gentle enough, caring enough,
compassionate enough?????????????????
I know I'm not alone and yet, that's no consolation.
To be brutally honest, I don't fucking care that I'm not
alone!!!!!!!!! So fucking what!!!!!!!!!! Should I be HAPPY because I'm
not alone????????
Well fuck self-righteous fuckers who think like that! Kiss my ass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Who the fuck are you to say what I ought to feel????????
Eat shit and die!!!!!!!! Go fuck yourself and fuck everything you
stand for while you're at it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Give me what I fucking want and then I'll be quiet. Until then, fuck
off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, May 27, 2013
Tolerance
Hurt's Jay Loren writes:
I'll take one, 'cause I needed to feel it so much
I had an emotional crutch, but
I'm feeling bored so I'll take some more
'Cause nothing is happening
And once you told me that you loved me so much
I foolishly began to trust, but
Now I'm ignored and I'm taking more, till
Something is happening.
I'll take one 'cause I needed to feel it so much
I needed that thing we call fun, but
Now I'm ignored and I'll take some more, till
something is happening
Cause once I thought you were right here with me, so
Maybe I'll take two or three
Until I believe what I have seen is really happening.
Morpheus! how could you leave me when I had need of your love?
Stop holding back!
Give me one reason to think you're decent!
When I am Alone
Don't you ever try to bring me back!
With this one I needed to feel you so much,
I Wantingly longed for your touch, but
Now I'm ignored and I'm feeling bored
'till something is happening.
Because once I thought you were right here with me, so
Maybe I should take two or three
Until I believe what I have seen is really happening
With this one I needed to feel you so much
I needed that thing we call fun, but
Now I'm ignored and I'm feeling bored till something is happening.
And once I thought you were right here with me, so
Maybe I'll take two or three
Until I believed that what I have seen is really happening.
No! No more!
God, Morpheus! Why did you leave me when I had need of your love?
No holding back now! Give me the real thing!
I've got a reason!
When I am alone, alone. . .
Don't you ever try to take me back!
I see myself here. I took a sip and then it became 2. It became 3 and
4 and 5 until the small cup was gone.
It became 2 small cups and then 1 big glass.
Now it's 2 bottles.
The cups and glasses and 1 bottle days are over.
I don't do it every day, or even every week.
From January to May it's been 3 times in Boulder and once here. That's
a considerable pick up from only on holidays. Only Christmas and
Thanksgiving. . . only Thanksgiving, Christmas and my birthday.
There's always an exception to be made.
It's like the pills I've taken. . . only when I feel this bad, only
when I miss our Dad this much. . . only when I miss my sister that
much. . .
I'm losing my ownly times and watching them slip away.
They float by on 5 muscle relaxants here and 2 bottles of Mike's there.
They breeze by old overdoses and old hanging attempts.
They race past the time I pulled out my hair and the 2 times I cut.
I watch them whoosh by and realize I'm the only one who can stop it.
I don't stop though. It's like there's this little thing inside me and
no matter how good I'm doing, it pops up occasionally just to remind
me it's there.
Miss Self-Destruct, just like Trent Reznor's Mr. Self-Destruct. I have
a self destruct button in me to and I push it every once in a while to
see what'll happen.
Can my liver take it after all the drugs it's already absorbed?
Can my body take it after all she's been through?
And my liver does. . . and my body does. . . I do.
But I'll never know why.
I'll take one, 'cause I needed to feel it so much
I had an emotional crutch, but
I'm feeling bored so I'll take some more
'Cause nothing is happening
And once you told me that you loved me so much
I foolishly began to trust, but
Now I'm ignored and I'm taking more, till
Something is happening.
I'll take one 'cause I needed to feel it so much
I needed that thing we call fun, but
Now I'm ignored and I'll take some more, till
something is happening
Cause once I thought you were right here with me, so
Maybe I'll take two or three
Until I believe what I have seen is really happening.
Morpheus! how could you leave me when I had need of your love?
Stop holding back!
Give me one reason to think you're decent!
When I am Alone
Don't you ever try to bring me back!
With this one I needed to feel you so much,
I Wantingly longed for your touch, but
Now I'm ignored and I'm feeling bored
'till something is happening.
Because once I thought you were right here with me, so
Maybe I should take two or three
Until I believe what I have seen is really happening
With this one I needed to feel you so much
I needed that thing we call fun, but
Now I'm ignored and I'm feeling bored till something is happening.
And once I thought you were right here with me, so
Maybe I'll take two or three
Until I believed that what I have seen is really happening.
No! No more!
God, Morpheus! Why did you leave me when I had need of your love?
No holding back now! Give me the real thing!
I've got a reason!
When I am alone, alone. . .
Don't you ever try to take me back!
I see myself here. I took a sip and then it became 2. It became 3 and
4 and 5 until the small cup was gone.
It became 2 small cups and then 1 big glass.
Now it's 2 bottles.
The cups and glasses and 1 bottle days are over.
I don't do it every day, or even every week.
From January to May it's been 3 times in Boulder and once here. That's
a considerable pick up from only on holidays. Only Christmas and
Thanksgiving. . . only Thanksgiving, Christmas and my birthday.
There's always an exception to be made.
It's like the pills I've taken. . . only when I feel this bad, only
when I miss our Dad this much. . . only when I miss my sister that
much. . .
I'm losing my ownly times and watching them slip away.
They float by on 5 muscle relaxants here and 2 bottles of Mike's there.
They breeze by old overdoses and old hanging attempts.
They race past the time I pulled out my hair and the 2 times I cut.
I watch them whoosh by and realize I'm the only one who can stop it.
I don't stop though. It's like there's this little thing inside me and
no matter how good I'm doing, it pops up occasionally just to remind
me it's there.
Miss Self-Destruct, just like Trent Reznor's Mr. Self-Destruct. I have
a self destruct button in me to and I push it every once in a while to
see what'll happen.
Can my liver take it after all the drugs it's already absorbed?
Can my body take it after all she's been through?
And my liver does. . . and my body does. . . I do.
But I'll never know why.
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