Updates on Affirmations, Turmoil

Letters from a couple days ago about my Affirmations and yes, my BFF.
I'm up to 3,000 on my "I'm ready to confront my fears!" affirmation.
Believe it or not I was actually so desperate to say it more I was
chomping at the bit this weekend and the minute they left Saturday
night to go to the movies I jumped on the treadmill and bike! I didn't
know they were going, they didn't tell me just left, so I didn't even
know how long they'd be gone. Then Sunday morning they went to church
and I did the same thing again. I usually alternate and do a different
affirmation each day, well, one affirmation every couple of days and
than alternate. So one day it's confronting my fear and the next it
would usually be "I open my heart to love!" or another one I like, but
as I said, really wanted to kick this one so I went at it both days.
Funnily enough, I wanted it so bad I contemplated dragging the
treadmill and bike into my room if they didn't leave the house! Lol!
You know how I was about working out before! Def not the same person!!
Lol.
I'm soooo proud of myself, I fucking rock!!!!
Monday it was back to "I open my heart to love!" since that was the
other touchy one that made me cry, will probably make me cry more now
as I'm tearing up JUST WRITING IT!!!
Today I did one I'd come up with a while back, "I am beautiful, bold,
and confident!"
I was feeling a bit restless and tried to come up with a few new ones
after you sent me that page but it just wasn't working.
I feel like there's more there, but I'm not sure at the moment how
long it'll take for me to get back there.
I'm trying hard to write an upbeat letter, but they just played
Sevendust's "Driven" and I'm feeling pretty emotional.
I clicked on contacts to write you and saw Her cell phone and
email. Part of me just wants to delete them from my computer so I
won't see them.
I know people here don't get it, but for me this is like a break up.
Like she said, we were more than friends and less than lovers, that
stupid undefined, nondescript gray area and I hate that!
I hate that I had no boundaries with her and now wish I had, wish I
did, wish this didn't hurt!!! And I wonder why I did it again, held
out so long.
I always swore I wouldn't be a doormat for anyone, but I was for my
mother and I was for her. You think that makes me a possible doormat
for someone else??
Anyway, at least I worked out this morning and did my affirmations and
when this happened with her I at least THOUGHT about working out again
instead of eating. The thought is what counts, right? Smile.
Talk later!!!
And thank you for letting me be a big baby about this. Ok, I'm not a
baby, but I feel like one.
------------------
I used breakup, but truthfully, it is closer to a death for me to. I
feel like people think I'm dramatizing though, you know?
I know you were right the other night though, things are picking up,
things are shifting for both of us and we'll come out on top!! I
suppose it's like the one door closes and another opens. I didn't used
to 'buy' into that, but I can see now how I did allow Her to hold me
back. Only, I didn't logically think: "I won't have any friends but
Her!" but perhaps that's the vibe I've been giving off for years
without realizing it. I'm just speculating, it's been up and down
today, but when I did my workout this evening I started with my "I am
beautiful, bold and confident!" statement, but I just wasn't feeling
it. I kept walking and thinking and "I have an abundance of friends!"
is what came to me. I DEFINITELY didn't expect it to come that fast.
Yesterday it was like my world has ended, my life is over,
everything's falling apart and what's wrong with me??? Why am I such a
failure? Whereas today it was a bit of that this morning, the
afternoon got a bit better and when I worked out this evening it was
the best I've felt all day.
I don't know if any of us has the answer, but I do wonder why we do
that to ourselves. What I mean is why is it the first thing we think
is what's wrong with me? Especially if it wasn't us and we didn't make
the call on the relationship. It's a curious thing to me.
I did cry some and I watched the movie 2012 with audio video
description. I found it pretty interesting and started thinking about
what life will be like later this year. I don't believe it's ending,
just that a higher consciousness or more awareness is coming to us. So
in looking at it like that that's how I tried to frame Her and my
friendship. This afternoon right before I started working out it
occured to me that she gave me something in working out. I'm not sure
what, and it took me years to 'catch up' if you will to her, but she
gave me something, some type of push and I acknowledge her for that.
It got me thinking I wonder what else she's given me and if I've
noticed it or not. Probably not if I have to think about it! Lol.
Anyway, I was also thinking if I could find a place to define our
relationship that would help. You know, figure out where the
boundaries are now. To email once a month, visit every 6 months or
maybe once a year. There's still part of me that aches when I write
that, but I know if I nailed down boundaries, then checked with her to
see if we could get on the same page again I'd have a foothold and an
idea of where to go next *with us*.
I know I don't have to be a doormat, but I guess my real question is
HAVE I BEEN a doormat? On one hand I feel like I have been, but on the
other hand I figure the question is worth asking someone else because
I'm on the inside and there's a big possibility I'm viewing things
through the wrong lens. So if I'm right and I have been a doormat then
I know the next step is to identify when I start repeating those
behaviors and patterns in another relationship again so I can halt
them quickly. If I haven't been then I have nothing to worry about and
can stop questing about for an answer. Or, at least that's what I'm
thinking! Lol.
--------------------
Well that's what I've been doing. I suppose the upside to any
emotional roller coaster is that every time something happens you come
better equipped than you were the last time it happened. I honestly
don't begrudge it at the moment. We'll see if it pops back up, but
that's where I'm at for now.
I kind of have to laugh here. . . you know it's bad when you think: "I
didn't set boundaries" and then after reading what you wrote about
being a doormat I hear Her own words in my head that I've been a
much better friend to her then she ever was to me. Thank you. . .
between the two of you and my own recollection of boundary setting I
have the answer.
Talk tomorrow.

Broken Thoughts

I initiated this talk. . . Part of me wishes I hadn't. I am in so much agony right now, it feels like my insides are burning.
I wonder if I was a doormat for you.
I was a doormat for her until I wised up. I swore I'd never do it again, but that's what happens when you say NEVER, especially if it's based in fear.
You were, are a part of me. I don't know how to get you OUT!! Part of me wishes I could, part of me wants to hold on forever.
Why did we have to exist in that fucking gray area? More than friends, more than sisters, less than lovers? What kind of fucking place was that for us to be in anyway??? You became my mother, my sister, not to mention my best friend, which is where we started.
I felt great until I really thought about what this all means. It means I have no best friend anymore. I have FRIENDS, but not a BEST FRIEND. I walk alone now, which I suppose was my biggest fear of all. Forget public service announcements and divorces and yes, even stupid evil bugs!! My biggest fear was waking up one day to discover that I walked alone. Well today is the day, and I fucking hate it!
I know if I cut, just one little cut and felt the blood run down my arm, I would feel better. I know if I licked it up and savored it like crumbs from a chocolate cake I would feel better, but only temporarily.
I don't blame you, contrary to what this might sound like. I really don't.
I started the conversation, like I always did. I even said I needed definition in not so many words. All you did was give it. Thank you for your honesty. . . I appreciate it.
I think of no more concerts with you, no more late nights playing "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?", no more talks of the scrapes we got into in school, of the things we did mostly together and some you've done on your own. The shared bond between us that I see crumpled and broken and bleeding.
I am here, crumpled and broken and bleeding. . . I've been fighting this all night, but I'm finally crying as I type this. It's finally too much to hold in. Part of me wishes I'd saved that Tylenol3. . . Now would be the perfect time for it.
I've been trying so fucking hard to feel, but I fucking hate feeling!!! I could eat and eat and eat or I could starve myself, neither pain could compare to this. I wish I'd decided against us years ago when I said I loved you as more than and you said you loved me as less than. . . But then again, if I'd walked away we wouldn't have had all the fabulous times we've had. . .
I am sorry that I didn't listen to you though, and I wish I had. . . I couldn't though. I thought I'd be ok, thought I could come out unattached, unscathed, but I was wrong. I'm wrong about these things often. . .
I really do get to attached and love too much, fall too hard, hold on to tight and this is what happens to those of us who do such things.
It doesn't matter what we are, it matters what we were and who knows how long the agony from that will last. You want me with handfuls of friends. . . I have to wonder if it's worth it. Part of me doesn't think it is.
Affirmations aren't dulling this and positive thinking isn't pulling me up. Maybe it's to early and I just need this for tonight, I don't know.
I feel like I've given all my blood. No energy, no spark, nothing. And why the fuck is it that every song they play makes me think of you?
What I said up there. . . it does matter what we become. . . I miss what we were though, or what I THOUGHT we were and that's another thing. Why the fuck does one think they see so clearly in the midst of a relationship, any relationship, and then when said relationship dissolves or changes drastically then and only then do they step back and realize they were blind and didn't see a damn thing? And why does one start wondering then, did I imagine what we were? Did you feel as close to me as I did you at one time, a long time ago? Or was it all in my head? Why does the brain play cruel tricks like that??
Anyway, I know there's no answers here, but this all has to go somewhere.
I love you. . .
--
What if the one thing that I missed,
Was everything I need to pass the test,
And if I fail what happens then,
Can I still count on you as a friend
"Live to Rise"--Christopher Cornell/Soundgarden, from The Avengers Soundtrack