Mom

ORIGINALLY POSTED AT MY PINK POSSE BLOG ON OR NEAR
Mon, Jun 28, 2010 at 12:46 AM

It's been 6 years since you left. Funny, it doesn't seem like 6, but
there it is.
You left March 5th 2004. We had my cousin's wedding to attend that
night! You couldn't have picked a worse time to leave!
Of course, you weren't worried about timing.
I woke up & went into the livingroom. Grandma & the cousins were
sitting around talking. It was complete numbness for everyone
apparently.
Some of them were carrying out furniture, Dad included & those who
weren't were sitting there talking.
I asked what was going on & you said you were leaving. I felt like I
was 3 again, & semi acted like it.
I followed you & Dad around the house asking if I could help with
anything. I couldn't, so I just kept wandering.
When you left Dad went with you & I thought he was crazy! Why was he
helping you move out when there were other people there to help???
That wasn't his job!
But even in the end he bent over backwards for you.
You took the good furniture & allowed it to waste in Grandma's basement!
But I don't care about that.
You didn't pay child support for becca & Dad let you get away with it
even though we were suffering!
But I don't care about that.
You left Dad with a $133000 loan up against the house, & now I have to pay rent!
But I don't care about that.
You blamed me for your divorce:
"Well, you're right. I'm not good enough for you or your sister or your father!"
But that only hurt a little. . .
You came into the house & attacked Dad verbally & physically, which
almost lead to your demise! (Which would have left me in prison thank
you!)
But that only hurts some.
You left becca & Dad in the dark! I had to carry their weight, plus my
own! I had to suck in all my pain & fake my way through it!
That hurt even more.
But the worst thing you did was rip my foundation out from under me!
& that I care about! That hurt, still hurts!!!
I could say all kinds of things to you, call you a bitch & a whore for
sleeping around on Dad while you were married!
But that won't solve anything.
You made me question my morals, my values! Everything I ever new, ever
believed in, you broke it! You crushed it, shattered it & still that
wasn't enough!
You had to jump on the shards of glass, use your heels to ground them
into the floor, make them disappear! Leave them lost, unreachable to
me!
& for that, I still hate you!
You left some of your clothes behind in the early days. Some of your
high heeled shoes & I sat in your closet inhaling the scent from those
clothes.
I held those shoes & remembered clomping around in them when I was a
little girl.
You said you were sorry, but then you screamed at me to get over it!
You said if your parents divorced when you were 3 & you got over it, I
could surely get over you & Dad!
But I couldn't for the longest time.
Even now I hate this house. We have a new mom, 2 new sisters, new
dogs, new cats, a "new life" as it were.
But this house still holds you in it. & the house across the field
where we used to live holds even more of you.
You seem to seep into everything!
Why can't you get out?? Why can't you leave me alone!!
I still cry when I hear "Family Portrait" from Pink. It's nearly
unbearable listening to Evanescence's "My Immortal".
& forget Mario Whinan's & P. Diddy's "Don't Wanna Know".
I can still hear becca singing:
"Oh mommy, we don't wanna know, if you're creepin' keep it on the low,
cuz our hearts just can't take it anymore!
Oh mommy, we don't wanna know."
& Britany's "Every Time" "Every time I try to fly I fall, without my
wings I feel so small".
I still cry. & I could go on forever with this list, but I won't.
There was a time when every little thing reminded me that you weren't
around & some days, I feel like I'm still back there.
Most days I feel ok, but the other days I don't.
I've given up talking to you, your hopeless!
You act like we should feel bad, like we're the ones who left.
Well screw you! You left us! Y.O.U. left us!
Then you got sick. Scleroderma, your going to die. Probably from the
drinking & smoking first though at this rate.
Sometimes I wish you were dead, then I could pretend you really loved
& missed me while you were gone, or even better, I could pretend that
you never wanted to leave, that you died & that's why you left, & it
wasn't your fault.
It was out of your hands. But that's not so.
I loved you. I remember your depression, I remember you crying, the
rape when you were a child.
I remember all that. How could I forget?
& it's the one thing that makes it hard for me to push you completely
out of my life.
I keep seeing that damned little girl! That scared, frightened, lonely
little girl! & she's me! She belongs to you, but I have my own & so it
makes it a million times harder for me to push it, you away!
I still hate you! But I still love you. I'll never figure out why, but I do.
You left me afraid of men, afraid I'd never gain your approval, afraid
of losing your love (which I never had), afraid to love others, to let
them in & take my guard down!
You left me clinging to broken blood stained memories even after everything!
You shook me when I pissed you off when I was little. You screamed at
me! Tried to control my thoughts, my feelings, to speak for me!
You tried to keep me locked up with you & keep me away from other
women because you were so insecure!
But I loved you! I'd have walked through fire for you! I did walk
through fire for you!
We all did! Just like "My Immortal" says!
We held your hand, we wiped away your tears, we tried to fight off all
your fears!
We were a family!! A FAMILY!!! & you took it away!
Divorcing Dad was one thing, but you divorced us!! We cramped your
style & you visit only when it works for you! We're the last "things"
to do on your "to-do" list!
You carried us! I thought that meant something! You gave birth to us!
Doesn't the fact that we came out of your body, that you heard our
hearts beat & counted our fingers & toes mean anything????
Some will blame it on your addiction to alcohol, but that's just a cop
out! You had quit drinking & smoking for 6 years & you started back up
because YOU chose to! Nobody held a gun to your head!
You wanted to be a teenager again, not that I know why, because your
teenage years sucked! But you chose it!
& yet, I still have the common decency to want to make sure you're
taken care of before you die.
I don't want you in a nursing home for fear they won't take care of
you like I would.
I hate you for tangling me up & I hate you for jumbling all my
thoughts & trying to run my life & control my relationships!
But I still love you.
m.o.m.
I will not bow to this anymore though. So if I see you I see you & if
I don't I don't.
If we talk we talk & if we don't we don't.
If you're proud of me great if not I don't care!
It may take me 6 more years to release all this agony I had to cover
up while helping Dad & becca, but I'll push through it one way or
another.
& once I'm gone, I'm gone. I'm not looking back & you can forget
having a phone number or a forwarding address, cuz it's not happening!
My whole life you've tried to control me, break my relationships up
(grandma & Dad, on the Dad score you failed, but grandma has her own
bs to apologize for)!
But you can rest assured you won't do it again. I won't give you the chance.
Michelle

Old Letter on SHAUN, Transportation, thoughts

Another old email, tells about my Desire to meet SHAUN and how it played out!
Written Monday 4/16/2012
As for the concert, I had been doing that "I will meet SHAUN MORGAN
Saturday 4/14!" affirmation. . . well I made it to the 1,000 mark,
which as I may have mentioned to you before, I heard through
MindMovies.com is how long it takes to START believing something. It
takes that many times saying an affirmation, any affirmation, for a
person's brain to actually start believing it. On Saturday I didn't
meet SHAUN, CRY!!!! however, Friendis and I were walking the halls of Joe
Louis arena seeking wristbands to get out onto the main floor and this
guy walks up and says: "Hey, wanna meet and greet with Nickelback?
We got an extra one!" Now, I'm not the biggest Nickelback fan and in
fact, the more songs they write about alcohol the less of a fan I am,
but on the other hand I thought "Well what the hell?" So we said sure.
So we got a meet and greet. All we did was say hi and get our picture
taken with the band. There was no giving out of signed memoribilia, no
time to even fake some great awakening in my life to thank the band
for, or time to whisper something about I've met SHAUN before and
since their on tour together could they rig it so I could. Lol.
Seriously, the plan would have been to play it up like they were the
greatest band ever, then just throw it in there as a casual
afterthought. Either way, I had no time to even consider or reconsider
my options since it was so quick. I have to say it didn't change my
impression of them at all. Well, unless you count the fact we left and
RAN towards the main floor SHAUN was in the middle of "FINE AGAIN" and
all you would have heard if you'd been there was some VERY 'unlady
like' language coming out of my mouth! Goddammit! Motherfucker!
Cocksucker!!!!!!! I new it!!!!!!!! I NEW I heard "GASOLINE" while we were waiting in line! Friendis just laughed and said: "Well okay then! Tell me
how you feel!"
Lol. After the show she said: "Friendis, I think the Universe got it's
signals crossed. Maybe you need to put more emphasis on SHAUN FUCKING
MORGAN FROM SEETHER!!! next time." Lol. I said: "Well, on the upside,
it proves affirmations work on SOME level. And besides, thinking about
molesting him did make it ALOT easier for me to finish my workouts!"
So meeting Nickelback wasn't a big deal for me, but I've been trying
to figure out how to inform the Universe of that without giving off
the signal that I'm completely ungreatful. The best way to some it up
I guess is that I'm Greatful the affirmation got me through my
workout, and I've carried on with my other ones. In fact I hit the
1,000 mark with both "I lose weight easily and effortlessly!" and "I
love working out!" today.
I also discovered yesterday morning that I'm down from 211 pounds to
203 pounds, so that encouraged me to keep up with the affirmations to,
plus choose my food choices carefully. I'm not as worried about
portions *for fruits and most veggies* for example, but I am more
careful with carbs. I found out the mac and cheese I love so much is
300 calories a cup so I only took a third of a cup the other day. I'm
also careful with my consumption of corn though I adore it! On top of
that I was even more proud of my progress considering Easter just
passed and I also just finished a box of apple cinamon chereos! I
didn't eat them all in one sitting, but because I'd already been
holding onto them for months and didn't want them to go bad I did eat
a few big bowls to get them gone before they expired on me. So all in
all I'd say I'm doing pretty darn good!!
I'm still reading like crazy about animals, REAL CSI techniques and
not the 'fake' stuff in the TV shows, and I've been keeping a list of
authors I like that I have received from books on tape so I can call
them up and ask for more of those authors.
Speaking of reading, one of the books I read is by Temple Grandin,
she's part of a group that helps to better practices for animals. All
animals though, from farm animals to wild animals to cats and dogs.
That's the supershort explanation. She's autistic and in her 60's now
and is also a professor in Colo.
Anyway, she was explaining about the different emotional systems in
animals, one of them being fear, another being rage. She said that
when an animal is held down it causes a feeling of fear which can
morph into a feeling of rage. This doesn't matter whether their held
down physically to receive a shot or mentally by having been
conditioned in a certain way for so long that they don't believe they
can ever get out of their present situation. You may see where this is
going. . .
It got me thinking about my rage in not an entirely different light,
but in a different light. I may have said things about my rage before,
but at the moment she said that, I started thinking that if I had a
more fulfilling life, being able to volunteer like I Desire to, doing
what I DESIRE to do, not what some one else tells me they think I'm
qualified to do/should do, than my approach to fighting parents and/or
children would most likely be a different one. My inclination is to
lash out because I feel a complete lack of control MOST of the time
over my life and any external forces that enter it. And in fact, the
fact that I'm able to control my rage at all only proves that I'm
'managing' just bearly and most likely doing so because my prefrontal
cortex has grown up and become fully developed *as it does by the time
your in your 20's* which has kept me from doing anything stupid.
Anyway, on that note, Dad informed me Friday night that SEETHER will be
the last concert in Detroit I see unless I find someone else to take
me. I handled it with grace I thought, but now I'm thinking I MUST
find someone to take me to Detroit BEFORE the Cranberries and Garbage
announce tourdates in our area, otherwise I'm royally screwed!!!! Dad
says when Friendis gets her license I can ride down with her *during the
day since she can drive during the day* and we can get a hotel close
to where ever the concert is, park her car there, walk to the concert
and then back to the hotel and she can drive us home the next day.
This of course ups the total cost of my concert to probably well over
$200, since no hotel room is cheap! Plus there'd be gas and the second
ticket if Friendis couldn't afford to buy her own. He says alternatively I
can ask B, but her personality IS NOT conducive to going in the
moshpit!
I went with SH to the 99% training yesterday and she loves rock
music, especially SEETHER! However, the downside is she hasn't been to
a concert in forever because she can't afford it, so I'm not sure how
she'd take to me begging her to go and promising I'd cover the cost of
everything. She's older and wiser, think she's in her 50's now, and
because she already knows so much about me *since I told her* she'd
probably reject this idea on principle alone because she knows my
money issues.
Friendis says to relax, but you know me, and I AM NOT relaxing! It's more
like I'm in low panic mode, haven't started pulling my hair out yet or
banging my head against brick walls, but should I find that either of
the aforementioned bands is coming to Detroit anytime soon, or that
any other band I LOVE is coming soon I will most likely start ripping
my hair out and pounding my head relentlessly against brick walls!
On top of that the Machine Shop isn't a viable option. They haven't
had a show I've REALLY Desired to see in months, which is why I
haven't been to a concert in months!
Being that my money is going for mail and the like lately, I'm ONLY
spending my money WHERE I HAVE to spend it, or where I REALLY REALLY
REALLY Desire something! So if it's a toss up between P.O.D and
Halestorm at the Machine Shop or SEETHER and Bush at the Joe Louis,
I'm going for SEETHER as I just did.
Anyway, I forgot that my newest affirmation is "I open my heart to
love!" just started that one today and got up to 100 before I ended my
workout.
I'm trying to settle on ones for fear, transportation and getting what
I Desire next. Or maybe fear of not getting what I Desire and Desire
go together somehow. . . Still thinking on that one. Because that's
what all this is predicated on. I'm afraid of living to be 55 and not
accomplishing ANYTHING worthwhile, not having a Baby, not having a
partner, not having transportation to concerts, not having a place to
volunteer at and transportation to and from that place, living with my
Dad forever, etc etc etc. So there's alot of fear there and that's
when I came to the conclusion I'd much rather die then live up to that
point only to find out I didn't do a bloody thing! In fact, I'd rather
die then EVEN ENTERTAIN this possibility of NOT achieving!
Friendis and I stayed up almost all night Saturday discussing it.
I went looking in my middle sized suitcase *I brought that one because
my big one is under a couple boxes and I new I'd be going with SH so
I didn't want to carry anything I didn't absolutely need with me and
that included lugging around a giant suitcase. So I stuck with the
middle one. So I'm digging in there to make sure I have my facepads,
soap, shampoo, lotion, toothpaste/toothbrush/mouthwash and I come
across a bottle with two Tylenol 3 pills in it. I told Friendis, when I
found that bottle my stomach got butterflies. It was like I was going
to meet ELI or something. That had never happened before and the smart
part of my brain thought: "Well, this is a new and concerning
development. . ." while the other half thought: "Great! They aren't
all gone and I can get even happier tonight!" Then I settled on the
idea that I would only take them IF I came out of the show in pain. Of course,
wouldn't you know, I did come out of the show in pain. Of course I did
because I stood on my feet for like 4 hours straight cuz we were on
the main floor! Needless to say I took them and then thought: "Good,
their gone. I don't have to think about them now." Fine thought for
two pills, but what if there had been 6 or 8?
So after we got back to her place we got to talking about it and she
was telling me how because she's struggled with alcohol and because
I've always been the 'smart one' the one who fights against pills and
alcohol and street drugs she didn't ever want to see me fall like
that. She says I already struggle enough and she'd hate to see me
struggle anymore with anything else. I know she's right and at the
moment I know it doesn't matter because I have no pills and no alcohol
and don't plan on spending money on either anytime soon! I've only
taken what's there. However, I also know that I feel just about as
rebelious as a person can feel and feel about 99% confident that if it
were offered, whatever IT might be, I'd probably 'try' it. I think the
only way I wouldn't would be, interestingly enough, if I were around
someone like SHAUN, because I know he struggles with it and I would
want to be the 'stand-up' person in that situation, the one example of
clenliness he probably would have around since most guys are doing
something these days.
That of course lead us into talking about destructive behaviors in
general and why, even when we're trying to improve our lives, we still
find ourselves walking SUPER tightropes. I told her, it's like those
bridges that they make for kids to play on at the park, you walk
across them, but others come and start bouncing on them while you're
walking across holding the rails and the whole bridge starts to shake
and rock back and forth causing you to become off balance. If you don't
hold onto the rails you could get hurt. Not really since they have
rails on them, but it's a perfect metaphor for life. Yes I'm a good
person, and I have some Great qualities, but I'm also very rebelious,
and the older I get the more rebelious I find myself being instead of
'less'.
I know what's good for me and what's not, but I still want to try
things that aren't, even things I know could hurt or even kill me. I
guess I'm like my mother in that way. NEVER thought I'd find myself
writing that, but she played at being a grown-up for a longtime and
then finally gave it up for partying instead. Dad's mellowed with age,
but he had his fun when he was young. My mother moved out of my
grandmother's house and into my Dads a week after she turned 17. They
got married in 1980, had me in 86 though they'd been trying since day
1 and B in 91. She managed the facade, though she did party often,
for quite a while, then even gave up partying and smoking for 8 years
or so and then went back when I turned 18.
It's another of those things for me though. I know what's what, I just
don't care. I know the score, I know I'd be playing with fire, I just
don't care about that, just like I don't care that I'd hurt my family
if I weren't here. I'd been trying to avoid saying that, kept trying
to figure out another word to describe what I think and how I feel,
but it's time for me to call a spade a spade and that's what this is.
I just don't care. Do I care at SOME level? Most likely, but it's the
same level that I care about killing someone if I get into a fight
with them. I don't WANT to kill them, but that realization wouldn't be
enough to stop me without someone pulling me off. If noone was there
to pull me off the person would be dead and then I'd start thinking:
"Oh shit! What did I just do? Why did I do that? I didn't want to kill
them! I just wanted them to suffer a little, I wanted them to stop
coming at me! That's all!" But when your dead you don't have those
thoughts, but if you could have those thoughts that's what I'd be
thinking afterward.
On an entirely different note, I mentioned SH, she's going to look
into getting transportation for me, she knows the daughter of the Your
Ride head and said she'd try to talk to him herself and explain my
situation to him. She's also talking to the others at the Disability
Network to see if they can't help me get a volunteer position with
babies or animals, maybe both if I play my cards right! That'd be
awesome, then I could probably be busy 3 or 4 days a week, maybe 5!
I think that's it for now.