Mom

ORIGINALLY POSTED AT MY PINK POSSE BLOG ON OR NEAR
Mon, Jun 28, 2010 at 12:46 AM

It's been 6 years since you left. Funny, it doesn't seem like 6, but
there it is.
You left March 5th 2004. We had my cousin's wedding to attend that
night! You couldn't have picked a worse time to leave!
Of course, you weren't worried about timing.
I woke up & went into the livingroom. Grandma & the cousins were
sitting around talking. It was complete numbness for everyone
apparently.
Some of them were carrying out furniture, Dad included & those who
weren't were sitting there talking.
I asked what was going on & you said you were leaving. I felt like I
was 3 again, & semi acted like it.
I followed you & Dad around the house asking if I could help with
anything. I couldn't, so I just kept wandering.
When you left Dad went with you & I thought he was crazy! Why was he
helping you move out when there were other people there to help???
That wasn't his job!
But even in the end he bent over backwards for you.
You took the good furniture & allowed it to waste in Grandma's basement!
But I don't care about that.
You didn't pay child support for becca & Dad let you get away with it
even though we were suffering!
But I don't care about that.
You left Dad with a $133000 loan up against the house, & now I have to pay rent!
But I don't care about that.
You blamed me for your divorce:
"Well, you're right. I'm not good enough for you or your sister or your father!"
But that only hurt a little. . .
You came into the house & attacked Dad verbally & physically, which
almost lead to your demise! (Which would have left me in prison thank
you!)
But that only hurts some.
You left becca & Dad in the dark! I had to carry their weight, plus my
own! I had to suck in all my pain & fake my way through it!
That hurt even more.
But the worst thing you did was rip my foundation out from under me!
& that I care about! That hurt, still hurts!!!
I could say all kinds of things to you, call you a bitch & a whore for
sleeping around on Dad while you were married!
But that won't solve anything.
You made me question my morals, my values! Everything I ever new, ever
believed in, you broke it! You crushed it, shattered it & still that
wasn't enough!
You had to jump on the shards of glass, use your heels to ground them
into the floor, make them disappear! Leave them lost, unreachable to
me!
& for that, I still hate you!
You left some of your clothes behind in the early days. Some of your
high heeled shoes & I sat in your closet inhaling the scent from those
clothes.
I held those shoes & remembered clomping around in them when I was a
little girl.
You said you were sorry, but then you screamed at me to get over it!
You said if your parents divorced when you were 3 & you got over it, I
could surely get over you & Dad!
But I couldn't for the longest time.
Even now I hate this house. We have a new mom, 2 new sisters, new
dogs, new cats, a "new life" as it were.
But this house still holds you in it. & the house across the field
where we used to live holds even more of you.
You seem to seep into everything!
Why can't you get out?? Why can't you leave me alone!!
I still cry when I hear "Family Portrait" from Pink. It's nearly
unbearable listening to Evanescence's "My Immortal".
& forget Mario Whinan's & P. Diddy's "Don't Wanna Know".
I can still hear becca singing:
"Oh mommy, we don't wanna know, if you're creepin' keep it on the low,
cuz our hearts just can't take it anymore!
Oh mommy, we don't wanna know."
& Britany's "Every Time" "Every time I try to fly I fall, without my
wings I feel so small".
I still cry. & I could go on forever with this list, but I won't.
There was a time when every little thing reminded me that you weren't
around & some days, I feel like I'm still back there.
Most days I feel ok, but the other days I don't.
I've given up talking to you, your hopeless!
You act like we should feel bad, like we're the ones who left.
Well screw you! You left us! Y.O.U. left us!
Then you got sick. Scleroderma, your going to die. Probably from the
drinking & smoking first though at this rate.
Sometimes I wish you were dead, then I could pretend you really loved
& missed me while you were gone, or even better, I could pretend that
you never wanted to leave, that you died & that's why you left, & it
wasn't your fault.
It was out of your hands. But that's not so.
I loved you. I remember your depression, I remember you crying, the
rape when you were a child.
I remember all that. How could I forget?
& it's the one thing that makes it hard for me to push you completely
out of my life.
I keep seeing that damned little girl! That scared, frightened, lonely
little girl! & she's me! She belongs to you, but I have my own & so it
makes it a million times harder for me to push it, you away!
I still hate you! But I still love you. I'll never figure out why, but I do.
You left me afraid of men, afraid I'd never gain your approval, afraid
of losing your love (which I never had), afraid to love others, to let
them in & take my guard down!
You left me clinging to broken blood stained memories even after everything!
You shook me when I pissed you off when I was little. You screamed at
me! Tried to control my thoughts, my feelings, to speak for me!
You tried to keep me locked up with you & keep me away from other
women because you were so insecure!
But I loved you! I'd have walked through fire for you! I did walk
through fire for you!
We all did! Just like "My Immortal" says!
We held your hand, we wiped away your tears, we tried to fight off all
your fears!
We were a family!! A FAMILY!!! & you took it away!
Divorcing Dad was one thing, but you divorced us!! We cramped your
style & you visit only when it works for you! We're the last "things"
to do on your "to-do" list!
You carried us! I thought that meant something! You gave birth to us!
Doesn't the fact that we came out of your body, that you heard our
hearts beat & counted our fingers & toes mean anything????
Some will blame it on your addiction to alcohol, but that's just a cop
out! You had quit drinking & smoking for 6 years & you started back up
because YOU chose to! Nobody held a gun to your head!
You wanted to be a teenager again, not that I know why, because your
teenage years sucked! But you chose it!
& yet, I still have the common decency to want to make sure you're
taken care of before you die.
I don't want you in a nursing home for fear they won't take care of
you like I would.
I hate you for tangling me up & I hate you for jumbling all my
thoughts & trying to run my life & control my relationships!
But I still love you.
m.o.m.
I will not bow to this anymore though. So if I see you I see you & if
I don't I don't.
If we talk we talk & if we don't we don't.
If you're proud of me great if not I don't care!
It may take me 6 more years to release all this agony I had to cover
up while helping Dad & becca, but I'll push through it one way or
another.
& once I'm gone, I'm gone. I'm not looking back & you can forget
having a phone number or a forwarding address, cuz it's not happening!
My whole life you've tried to control me, break my relationships up
(grandma & Dad, on the Dad score you failed, but grandma has her own
bs to apologize for)!
But you can rest assured you won't do it again. I won't give you the chance.
Michelle

Happy Mother's Day

ORIGINALLY POSTED ON MY PINK POSSE BLOG ON OR NEAR
Fri, May 7, 2010 at 10:10 PM

Dear Mama,
So Mother's day is coming up Sunday. I just read a blog called Lessons
my Mother Taught Me. Well, I have a few you taught me.
You taught me: Never to tell you what I thought, because you already
new what I thought!
You taught me: That I'd never be good enough for you.
I still remember getting that report card in high school. All A's & I
was so excited!!!! So excited!!! I rushed to the office to have the
damn thing lamenated I was sooooo proud! I spent all day in class
after class dying to get home! I fidgeted my way through my bus ride &
when I got home, I rushed into the livingroom! It was spring, soft &
sumptuous outside, the birds singing, the sun shining & my body was
humming along to the vibrations of it! I didn't even take off my
shoes! I just ran to the livingroom & dropped to my knees in front of
you. You were on the green chair & I handed you the card.
You said: "Well, you've gotten all A's before."
I tried so hard not to cry in front of you! I tried so hard to be
strong, but I couldn't! Forget telling Daddy when he got home, forget
calling Grandma, I just wanted to die! & you did that to me! YOU made
me feel that way. I made you cry, but I don't think it was sincere on
your part. I still can't write or tell that story without bawling!
You taught me: That I was to blame for your divorce. "Well, you're
right! I'll never be good enough for you your sister or your father!"
You taught me: That I hated you even though I always tried to be as
much of a Mama's girl as I was a Daddy's girl.
You taught me: That I didn't know how I felt only you did, & you were
damn well going to tell me how I felt!
You taught me: Not to cry about being held down & having a mask put
over my face, because if I didn't tell you right after it happened
(when I was 9), it most certainly didn't matter 10 or 11 years later!
You taught me: Never to put out one of your cigarettes because you'd
fly into a rage & squeal tire out of a parking lot like a bad out of
hell.
You taught me: Never to inconvenience you.
& most importantly, you taught me: Never, ever, under any
circumstances to trust the opposite sex. You were raped at age 6 & so,
you said that you told me so I wouldn't be afraid to come to you, but
it had the opposite effect.
I love you, Mama, Happy Mother's day!

My Gorgeousness Journal, Thank you SARK!

What gorgeous things would you like to stand beside you? List 2 to 25 items in a column, as quickly as you think of them.
1. ELIAS!
2. SHAUN!
3. Honesty!
4. Trust!
5. A cool summer breeze!
6. Trees!
7. Lots of Cats!
8. Lots of Dogs!
9. A depth of awareness and subconsciousness the world has not yet known!
10. Babies, tons and tons and tons of Babies!
11. A hammock.
12. An El Paca bedspread.
13. Clean laundry!
14. Rocks of all different shapes and textures and sizes, ranging from very smooth and soft to weatherworn.
15. Roses, a whole field of roses!!
16. Birds!
17. A pile of freshly mown grass!
18. A pile of fall leaves, crisp and crunchy!
19. The sun!
20. The moon!
21. The ocean!
22. The earth! I would love for Mother Earth herself to rise up and stand beside me!
23. People, of all shapes and sizes, all colors and ethnic backgrounds, all religions and sexual orientations!
24. Snow, love snow!
25. Innocence. . . I would love for innocence to rise up and show us all that we're all innocent!
I took liberties here big time since leaves and grass and feelings or emotions don't 'stand' but it's my list and I can put what I please on it! Smile.
--
What if the one thing that I missed,
Was everything I need to pass the test,
And if I fail what happens then,
Can I still count on you as a friend
"Live to Rise"--Christopher Cornell/Soundgarden, from The Avengers Soundtrack

`Morning Pages, Dearest KURT

Dearest KURT:
I have to say, this one isn't speciffic to you, I could have written SHAUN or whoever. Alternately, I could have just as easily titled this Midnight Pages instead of Morning Pages. . . Lol.
Either way I was thinking and it's 4AM and I have a feeling I'll never get to sleep if I don't get this random junk heap off my chest.
Funny, it's nothing speciffic. Here's what I mean.
They've played "CLASSIC ALBUMS: NIRVANA "NEVERMIND"" FIVE, yes, I said 5 times this week on VH1 Classic! Their calling it Rock the Halls week. Hahahaha get it? Rock the Halls VS. Deck the Halls? Lol. So I've watched it every time, yes, even when it aired at ungodly hours like 3AM!!!! I still watched!!! And when Butch was talking about "IN BLOOM" and how you guys put it altogether, at the very end where you sing: "Mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm. . ." I swear I heard garbled sounds underneath your voice.Suspicion tells me it was you communicating again. The first time that happened was when I was still in school and going through such a rough time I was contemplating suicide. I had that dream you were holding me in your lap and talking to me. I woke up thrilled and yet frustrated because I couldn't remember exactly what you said! Now that I've made my 'plan' for 2013 if my life doesn't change I wonder if you're trying to tell me to hang in there again. I wouldn't be surprised, but I had to watch every time to be absolutely sure I was hearing what I 'thought' I was hearing because I swear I've watched the show a billion times before now and never heard that!!!
So yes, that thought was directly related to you, but then I was thinking about my mother and that isn't directly related to you, hence why I started out by saying I could have written to anybody.
I really feel ok about my mother's death. Thing is I've been mourning her, the real her for so long that finding out that the organs of this woman AKA my mother, but who doesn't act like my mother, are shutting down doesn't feel the way most people might think it would.
I mean I'll probably always miss the mother I used to have, the one who would sing to me and bake cookies with me and the like to one degree or another, but this one, the one whose dying? I can't honestly say I miss her. Does that make sense? I know some people say it does, some say it doesn't.
Like I wrote you in October though, I think you know something about this *death* I mean, that I don't. I think I'm getting better at handling it though, which Dad's always pressuring me to do. So that has to be a good thing.
On another note entirely I've been trying to figure out how to make a huge splash in 2012!! People have helped me take a vacation to Miami and one to San Antonio so I could check out housing and transportation, but I've been trying to figure out what the right trigger/button is to push to get help in moving out and starting a life of my own. I can bring the violins but I seem to lose the sustainability factor. I can bring the pain but I have an inability to 'keep the pain' going or something. Go figure!!!
I've considered joining donatetome.com and have already begun to change this current blog of mine into a launching pad. I've thought about getting a hold of big news corps like NBC, CBS and ABC, but then I'm back to the violins and how do I bring them to their knees??
It is my Desire to be the FEMALE version of you one day, so is that selling out? Going to big news outlets I mean. I don't feel bad about it, so I'm guessing I'm on the right track. I feel like I'm doing what I have to and there's no shame in it! I also know I'm overthinking, focussing way to hard on the HOW as opposed to just doing it. There's planning and then there's OVER planning and let me tell you, I do a fabulous job of overplanning sometimes!! Overthinking, overanalyzing, their like my middle names or something!!! Seriously! What's up with that???? I mean WTF???
And then I was thinking about how I'm feeling. What I mean is even with all this chaos and this bloody cold of mine I feel pretty good. I'm definitely sleeping more during the early day then at night, but I'm still getting in family time and I feel pretty good about everything! Ever since I decided that I wasn't going to let this life or lack thereof drag on for the next 20 years I've felt Guuuuuurreeeeeeat!! Like Tony the Tiger Great!! I feel optomistic and like it's summer all the time! Mind you it's like 10 degrees outside and we're getting the occasional dusting of the white stuff on the ground here!! Lolz!! But I feel like that Fresh Prince song "Summer summer summertime! It's summertime! Let's just sit back and unwind!" I'm even getting excited about Christmas and I haven't been this excited about that since I found out Santa wasn't real!! Er. . . according to some. Dad swears up and down he is, but that's another story entirely!! Lol!
And there was the time I got tickets to see ELI just before Christmas. . . so that was a kick-ass Christmas!! But this year I'm actually excited about Christmas itself, the giving of a present to be very speciffic!!! I'm a genius gift wrapper and I can't wait for Dad to open his!!! Man I rock!!!! So all in all, I'd say it's a definite summer mood for me! I Brag I've even been able to cherish old memories I have of being 'alone' to all the awesome music that came out in the early 90's and I can handle that without bawling like a baby!!! I think I'm on the right track here!!
I Brag I even got all my Birthday Gratitudes done before my Birthday!!!! I did them all from 1986 to present and I knocked it out of the park!! Usually I drag my feet on such projects and don't get done at all, or if I do it's MONTHS after I had planned to!!! Did I happen to mention I rock???
I gave KittyKitty two of her 5 meals she's getting this year, cuz I never gave her her meals last year, nor did I remember to give Holl's Kitty girls their meals, so KittyKitty's getting both sets this year. Lucky Duck! Though she's a Cat, lucky Cat just doesn't have the same ring to it. Lol.
My thoughts have just been cartwheeling lately and I feel like I could write you for hours and hours and yet write very little. . . or "SAY" very little. Either way it'll be 4:30 in one minute and I need SOME sleep so I can function later today considering it's Christmas Eve and Rebecca will need all kinds of help.
Much love to you, Mark and everyone else and do me a favor PLEASE??? Look out for SHAUN. . . I swear he's headed down a path of disaster and he's been cropping up in my thoughts alot lately.
Love,
Chelle