Evening Pages and Brags!!!!

I Brag I went outside today and sat out there by myself for a while!!!
This is a huuuuuuge Brag for me because I've had a fear of bugs that fly/buzz ever since I was a little girl. There was also the fear of getting lost and not being able to make my way back to the house which has actually happened in the past.
Trying to keep it short since bed is calling, but I rode my tricycle into the middle of Gary road and almost got ran over by a truck and I went out to visit my Rabbit Fluffy once during the winter, got lost in the snow and ended up falling in a ditch.
I Brag I did my workout today!!
Got up to 800 with my Affirmation: "I am the essence of love!" and up to 400 with my combo Affirmation: "I am ready to face my fears of abandonment and lonleness!!"
I was working on the Love one but in the middle of it fear kept popping up so I decided to go with it.
I Brag I've been learning to go with the flow lately and that includes with my Affirmations!
I Brag I'm beginning to create my own rules!!
Onto the rest of the day, there was a shabby part this evening after Dad came home and didn't invite me out to eat with him even after I asked him about food and told him I'd be ready whenever dinner was done. I chose to decide that he just wanted to eat alone since he let the girls eat outside. *he usually doesn't do that*.
I admit I was hurt and thought he was being a prick or at the minimum a jerk, but after stewing for a bit I chose to let it pass and my evening picked up!
I got to watch a clip of ELI singing one of the songs for NONPOINT'S upcoming album!! I'm soooo psyched!!!!!! And then to talk with my coach Kimberly on how to figure out what my Major in College will be.
So between her giving me an answer on how to figure it out, watching ELI and choosing to let it go my evening ended on a high note!!
I did my second round of Tapping on school, College in particular. I'm sooo proud of myself for keeping up!! Woohoo!!! Man I rock!!!
And now I'm here writing this!
I put those Science News mags in a bag so they aren't cluttering up my bed anymore!
And I caught the #1 song of the 90's from VH1'S countdown this evening! Bet you'll never guess what it was!!
NIRVANA, "SMELLS LIKE TEEN SPIRIT"!!!!!!!!!!!!
Paaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrttttttttyyyyyyyy!!!! I was soooooo thrilled about that!! Everybody knows KURT is NUMERO UNO!!!!
I backed over my sister's Dog Duke's paw with my computer chair. . . felt like such a heel for doing that! I didn't do it on purpose but I still felt horrible! That's one of the downsides of not seeing!!
Random thought, but I know myself well enough to know I have to say I did it. Even though it was an accident the only way for me not to run it over and over in my mind is to just say it happened. I loved him up afterward and he gave me his belly so I know he forgave me. Sis just said: "You won't lay behind her chair again will ya?"
Oh, and speaking of sis, she got me sunscreen today! I gave her the money, but she stopped at the dollar store and picked it up for me.
So that enabled me to go sit outside and not worry about getting burned up! And I almost forgot, a flying bug decided to stop by for a visit!!!! ARGH!!! I didn't scream or run though. I didn't even jump much. I just covered my ears and waited for it to go away! I'm getting better!! I'm getting better!!
Peace, Love Empathy. . .
Chelle

--
What if the one thing that I missed,
Was everything I need to pass the test,
And if I fail what happens then,
Can I still count on you as a friend
"Live to Rise"--Christopher Cornell/Soundgarden, from The Avengers Soundtrack

`Morning Pages, Dearest KURT

Dearest KURT:
I have to say, this one isn't speciffic to you, I could have written SHAUN or whoever. Alternately, I could have just as easily titled this Midnight Pages instead of Morning Pages. . . Lol.
Either way I was thinking and it's 4AM and I have a feeling I'll never get to sleep if I don't get this random junk heap off my chest.
Funny, it's nothing speciffic. Here's what I mean.
They've played "CLASSIC ALBUMS: NIRVANA "NEVERMIND"" FIVE, yes, I said 5 times this week on VH1 Classic! Their calling it Rock the Halls week. Hahahaha get it? Rock the Halls VS. Deck the Halls? Lol. So I've watched it every time, yes, even when it aired at ungodly hours like 3AM!!!! I still watched!!! And when Butch was talking about "IN BLOOM" and how you guys put it altogether, at the very end where you sing: "Mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm. . ." I swear I heard garbled sounds underneath your voice.Suspicion tells me it was you communicating again. The first time that happened was when I was still in school and going through such a rough time I was contemplating suicide. I had that dream you were holding me in your lap and talking to me. I woke up thrilled and yet frustrated because I couldn't remember exactly what you said! Now that I've made my 'plan' for 2013 if my life doesn't change I wonder if you're trying to tell me to hang in there again. I wouldn't be surprised, but I had to watch every time to be absolutely sure I was hearing what I 'thought' I was hearing because I swear I've watched the show a billion times before now and never heard that!!!
So yes, that thought was directly related to you, but then I was thinking about my mother and that isn't directly related to you, hence why I started out by saying I could have written to anybody.
I really feel ok about my mother's death. Thing is I've been mourning her, the real her for so long that finding out that the organs of this woman AKA my mother, but who doesn't act like my mother, are shutting down doesn't feel the way most people might think it would.
I mean I'll probably always miss the mother I used to have, the one who would sing to me and bake cookies with me and the like to one degree or another, but this one, the one whose dying? I can't honestly say I miss her. Does that make sense? I know some people say it does, some say it doesn't.
Like I wrote you in October though, I think you know something about this *death* I mean, that I don't. I think I'm getting better at handling it though, which Dad's always pressuring me to do. So that has to be a good thing.
On another note entirely I've been trying to figure out how to make a huge splash in 2012!! People have helped me take a vacation to Miami and one to San Antonio so I could check out housing and transportation, but I've been trying to figure out what the right trigger/button is to push to get help in moving out and starting a life of my own. I can bring the violins but I seem to lose the sustainability factor. I can bring the pain but I have an inability to 'keep the pain' going or something. Go figure!!!
I've considered joining donatetome.com and have already begun to change this current blog of mine into a launching pad. I've thought about getting a hold of big news corps like NBC, CBS and ABC, but then I'm back to the violins and how do I bring them to their knees??
It is my Desire to be the FEMALE version of you one day, so is that selling out? Going to big news outlets I mean. I don't feel bad about it, so I'm guessing I'm on the right track. I feel like I'm doing what I have to and there's no shame in it! I also know I'm overthinking, focussing way to hard on the HOW as opposed to just doing it. There's planning and then there's OVER planning and let me tell you, I do a fabulous job of overplanning sometimes!! Overthinking, overanalyzing, their like my middle names or something!!! Seriously! What's up with that???? I mean WTF???
And then I was thinking about how I'm feeling. What I mean is even with all this chaos and this bloody cold of mine I feel pretty good. I'm definitely sleeping more during the early day then at night, but I'm still getting in family time and I feel pretty good about everything! Ever since I decided that I wasn't going to let this life or lack thereof drag on for the next 20 years I've felt Guuuuuurreeeeeeat!! Like Tony the Tiger Great!! I feel optomistic and like it's summer all the time! Mind you it's like 10 degrees outside and we're getting the occasional dusting of the white stuff on the ground here!! Lolz!! But I feel like that Fresh Prince song "Summer summer summertime! It's summertime! Let's just sit back and unwind!" I'm even getting excited about Christmas and I haven't been this excited about that since I found out Santa wasn't real!! Er. . . according to some. Dad swears up and down he is, but that's another story entirely!! Lol!
And there was the time I got tickets to see ELI just before Christmas. . . so that was a kick-ass Christmas!! But this year I'm actually excited about Christmas itself, the giving of a present to be very speciffic!!! I'm a genius gift wrapper and I can't wait for Dad to open his!!! Man I rock!!!! So all in all, I'd say it's a definite summer mood for me! I Brag I've even been able to cherish old memories I have of being 'alone' to all the awesome music that came out in the early 90's and I can handle that without bawling like a baby!!! I think I'm on the right track here!!
I Brag I even got all my Birthday Gratitudes done before my Birthday!!!! I did them all from 1986 to present and I knocked it out of the park!! Usually I drag my feet on such projects and don't get done at all, or if I do it's MONTHS after I had planned to!!! Did I happen to mention I rock???
I gave KittyKitty two of her 5 meals she's getting this year, cuz I never gave her her meals last year, nor did I remember to give Holl's Kitty girls their meals, so KittyKitty's getting both sets this year. Lucky Duck! Though she's a Cat, lucky Cat just doesn't have the same ring to it. Lol.
My thoughts have just been cartwheeling lately and I feel like I could write you for hours and hours and yet write very little. . . or "SAY" very little. Either way it'll be 4:30 in one minute and I need SOME sleep so I can function later today considering it's Christmas Eve and Rebecca will need all kinds of help.
Much love to you, Mark and everyone else and do me a favor PLEASE??? Look out for SHAUN. . . I swear he's headed down a path of disaster and he's been cropping up in my thoughts alot lately.
Love,
Chelle

Letting Go

I may not update this blog daily, but when I do update they tend to be long. This will be no exception.
Last night my coach asked me what it would take for me to 'let go'. I said I haven't been able to talk about my feelings on certain things, my brother's passing for example. She asked if talking would help and I said point blank: 'I don't know.'
Truth is, I don't know. I may not take every piece of advice given me and I may not always appear to be listening and 'following' the formula', whatever that formula may be. However, I do listen and even when I don't do something, if it was good advice or a good suggestion I tend to remember it long after it was spoken.
Lately, I have been letting go of SOME THINGS. Old emails even those written to the loves of my life *they know who they are*. I have let go easily and felt rather light afterwards to be honest. I've deleted old recipes and sent the good ones to another email address I have speciffically for saving such things.
I hung up with my coach last night and blasted The Boom Box Sessions and other outtakes from 1991's epic "NEVERMIND"!!
Part of me was pissed, affronted! I throw away half of my popcorn that was cold and no longer tasted good anyway! No, I'd have never thrown away milk chocolate. . . that's punishable by death! But the popcorn no longer tasted good and I was so angry not AT her, but at the thought of 'letting go' and the fact that there's no formula to follow I felt like crawling in a hole and hibernating for the rest of the winter!
Fast forward to today. It wasn't a particularly out of the ordinary day. I bought some SEETHER Tees' from the SEETHER Shop and went grocery shopping. I came home and punished Sadie for eating yet another thing, this time a gift, a puzzle to be speciffic!! I put her in the cage because it's to cold to keep her chained outside and as I emptied my trash in the big can in the kitchen the words: "This hurts me more than it hurts you. . ." popped into my head.
It really did. I know she suffered in a puppymill. I know they bred her ruthlessly and kept her confined to a cage otherwise. So of course, I thought: "How could you!!???" My only other option was spanking and I. am. not. a fan of spanking! That's not to say that I've NEVER spanked her, but I do it sparingly. As in I've had her since the day after Valentine's Day of 2009 and probably spanked her twice, maybe three times in that span.
Later in the day I got on the phone to listen to a couple issues of Rolling Stone and one of the first articles I read was on Amy Winehouse. Speciffically, the putting together of her posthumous album that came out December 6th. I started getting misty but I figured it was 'just one of those things'. I'm a sensitive person to begin with so I carried on reading. The next article I came across was a Q&A session with Michael Stipe on the end of R.E.M.
And low and behold I start weeping! Weeping! Over R.E.M!! Now, don't get me wrong, I love me some "Losing My Religion" or "It's The End Of The World As We Know It" or "Man On The Moon" or "Bang and Blame" or "Drive" or, one that always really spoke to me/the isolation of my childhood: "The Wrong Child"
"I will try to sing a happy song
I'll try and make a happy game to play
Come play with me I whispered to my new found friend
Tell me what it's like to go outside
I've never been
Tell me what it's like to just go outside
I've never been
And I never will."
"The Wrong Child" as written by William Berry, Peter Buck, Mike Mills, Michael Stipe
Lyrics © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.
Thank Goddess for http://www.songmeanings.net/
!!
And now I'm really wondering: 'WTF???'
As I said their cool but they aren't my NIRVANA, though Michael def ranks up there with KURT! He just isn't typically 'the man' I'd be weeping over.
So how do all these incidents relate to letting go?
The end of R.E.M was finalized, official. There was a stamp placed on it. They've put out a final farewell album, their all still friends and life goes on.
Sadie's punishment ended. I let her out of the cage, took her out to go potty, brought her in and loved on her, fed her etc. She knows it's over. There was an ending.
Amy on the other hand left unfinished business. KURT left unfinished business.
Some of the things that have happened to me in my life have been left unfinished. My brother is dead and logically I KNOW he's dead. My HEAD, my BRAIN isn't disabled and uncomprehending. I KNOW he's gone. We held a Memorial Service and I eulogized him.
But there is no body and there was no body. We held a Memorial in Saginaw, he died in San Antonio and was cremated in San Antonio and his egg donor has some of his ashes. I have none.
Same situation with school in general. School SUCKED for me, whether it was attending school when I was a girl or going to the NFB center in LA. In the case of the center I went in feeling isolated and left feeling isolated.
The bigger picture here, is that in order for me to let go, I would have to stop being shunned and discriminated against. Meaning from here on out I would learn to do anything I didn't know how to do, IN OR AROUND MY HOME, where I feel comfortable. Where applicable of course. I couldn't learn to sky dive here at home! Or if I attended college I wouldn't, under any circumstances be told that my Notetaker was to noisy and I needed to 'leave the room' and take my test 'somewhere else' so the other students could have it quiet. Back in the day it was my Braille Writer that was to noisy and I'd be sent to the Science room where they kept all the chemicals for the lab to take my tests.
Also in an ideal world I would be given a PUBLIC apology and the schools *in chesaning* would not only apologize, but ADMIT guilt and neglect and start implementing school policies that would prevent other students from suffering what I did. Anyone who knows the whole story knows that being sent off to another room to take a test was the least of my problems though also damaging. The punching, kicking and spitting upon my person were in SOME ways much worse.
So, barring those things happening, WHAT ELSE would I need to 'let go'???
That's the $64,000,000 question and at this moment, I'm not sure I have the answer.
I know when I was listening to my coach talk last night what kept running through my head was a quote from the "Classic Albums: "NEVERMIND"" VH1 series.
"And I think what he found which is certainly true, I think of many successful people is that he became rich and famous and all the same things were still there. He was still from a divorced family, he still had difficult relationships with that family and he still struggled for his place in the world."--Unknown Person
So the next $64,000,000 question is am I going to end up like KURT COBAIN because I haven't found a way to let go of 'everything'? And when I say end up like, I could easily pose that question of anyone who hasn't let go of 'everything'. So I don't mean 'end up dead like' or anything similar.
I'm more inclined to believe that we let go of things as we age and as we figure out how, so I'm not 'doomed' however, there is a part of me that now feels threatened like: "If you won't release everything, this minute, then the Universe won't provide for you and your fate is sealed!"
NOT a good way to be thinking when I'm trying to get to a fabulous new year and putting it all on the line for said new year!