No Depression Cake

It was the depths of the Great Depression. Several families on our block were receiving baskets of food from the welfare people. The grownups kept talking about it - Depression.

Hard times for everyone. But it was my birthday, and I was just a little girl.

My mother said there was no money for a gift or a cake. I sat forlornly on the front stoop and felt sorry for myself. Then Mama came out and sat beside me. "Remember, there is always hope. Come and see. I have a surprise inside for your birthday today!"

I ran in to find inside was the most adorable kitten with huge blue eyes. I immediately fell in love with it and called it "Fluffy."

Then I noticed a cake on the table with a candle on the top. "How did you do it Mama?" I asked, my eyes all aglow. "The kitten came from nice Mrs. Jones down the street.

She gave us the recipe for this No Depression Cake. When you bake it you can't be sad! Mrs. Jones said we must think of what we have on hand, not what we don't have.

We can always create something new and useful if we think positively. That is why it is called the No Depression Cake!"

Mama was right, I will never forget the happiness of that day. I took a piece of my birthday cake to Mrs. Jones to thank her.

I remembered the No Depression Cake when my own babies were little and my husband's dry cleaning business failed. To help him, I began a tiny advertising business on foot, pushing our children ahead of me on a broken-down baby stroller in the rural town of Baldwin Park, California.

Because there were no jobs, I asked the weekly newspaper to sell me space at a wholesale rate. Then I went out and resold the space in the form of a shopper's column to merchants.

When the rocks in the road wore out my shoes, I cut cardboard and stuck it in carrying extra pieces in my purse. Soon I had the house payment covered.

Then I spoke to service club luncheons to promote my advertising column. I had no car or baby sitter, so I made a deal with my neighbor. I traded baby sitting for the use of her car. Another helping of No Depression Cake! All of the business I run today, world-wide, began with that No Depression system.

As the children grew up we had many ups and downs. I especially remember one time when we had no money for groceries. I sat down with them and said, "Let's make a No Depression Cake! Let's see what we have on hand." My son said, "Mom, the avocado tree is full of fruit. I'll sell them today by the curb."

"There aren't enough oranges on our tree to sell," my daughter said. "I'll pick them, keep some for us, and take a bag to our neighbor to see if they'll trade for some of their great tasting plums!"

We all got busy. With the first avocado sales, I ran to the grocery store and bought day-old bread, a big bag of pinto beans, some brown sugar and powdered milk. Then I baked a No Depression Cake. We had a grand lunch, counting all of our blessings and thinking of all the good things we could do together.

By the end of the afternoon, our son had sold many more of the avocados, and I had a big bowl of beans bubbling and baking in the oven. Then the phone rang. It was one of my advertisers asking me to come over and pick up a big ad and a check.

Next time you're feeling low, trying counting the good things you have on hand. Do with what you have. Bake up a positive-thinking No Depression Cake!

Here is the recipe. It is milkless, eggless and butterless. You can substitute other ingredients for any you don't have. The one thing this cake is full of, however, is memories of cheerfully creating with what is at hand and on hand - and never giving up hope.

Depression Cake

1 cup shortening

2 cups water

2 cups raisins

1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

1 teaspoon ground nutmeg

1 teaspoon ground allspice

1/2 teaspoon ground cloves

2 cups sugar

3 cups all-purpose flour

1 teaspoon baking soda

In a saucepan, combine the shortening, water, raisins, cinnamon, nutmeg, allspice, cloves and sugar. Simmer for 10 minutes. Remove from heat and let stand until cool. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease a 9x13 inch baking pan. Stir the flour and baking soda into the cooled raisin mixture and mix until just combined. Pour batter into the prepared pan. Bake for 45 minutes.

Ask, Ask, Ask!

Ask, Ask, Ask

The greatest saleswoman in the world today doesn't mind if you call her a girl. That's because Markita Andrews has generated more than eighty thousand dollars selling Girl Scout cookies since she was seven years old.

Going door-to-door after school, the painfully shy Markita transformed herself into a cookie-selling dynamo when she discovered, at age 13, the secret of selling.

It starts with desire. Burning, white-hot desire.

For Markita and her mother, who worked as a waitress in New York after her husband left them when Markita was eight years old, their dream was to travel the globe. "I'll work hard to make enough money to send you to college," her mother said one day. "You'll go to college and when you graduate, you'll make enough money to take you and me around the world. Okay?"

So at age 13 when Markita read in her Girl Scout magazine that the Scout who sold the most cookies would win an all-expenses-paid trip for two around the world, she decided to sell all the Girl Scout cookies she could, more Girl Scout cookies than anyone in the world, ever.

But desire alone is not enough. To make her dream come true, Markita knew she needed a plan.

"Always wear your right outfit, your professional garb," her aunt advised. "When you are doing business, dress like you are doing business. Wear your Girl Scout uniform. When you go up to people in their tenement buildings at 4:30 or 6:30 and especially on Friday night, ask for a big order. Always smile, whether they buy or not, always be nice. And don't ask them to buy your cookies; ask them to invest."

Lots of other Scouts may have wanted that trip around the world. Lots of other Scouts may have had a plan. But only Markita went off in her uniform each day after school, ready to ask, and keep asking, folks to invest in her dream. "Hi. I have a dream. I'm earning a trip around the world for me and my mom by merchandising Girl Scout cookies," she'd say at the door. "Would you like to invest in one dozen or two dozen boxes of cookies?"

Markita sold 3,526 boxes of Girl Scout cookies that year and won her trip around the world. Since then, she has sold more than 42,000 boxes of Girl Scout cookies, spoken at sales conventions across the country, starred in a Disney movie about her adventure and has coauthored the bestseller, How to Sell More Cookies, Condos, Cadillacs, Computers ... And Everything Else.

Markita is no smarter and no more extroverted than thousands of other people, young and old, with dreams of their own. The difference is Markita has discovered the secret of selling: Ask, Ask, Ask! Many people fail before they even begin because they fail to ask for what they want. The fear of rejection leads many of us to reject ourselves and our dreams long before anyone else ever has the chance, no matter what we're selling.

And everyone is selling something. "You're selling yourself everyday, in school, to your boss, to new people you meet," said Markita at 14. "My mother is a waitress: she sells the daily special. Mayors and presidents trying

to get votes are selling. . . . One of my favorite teachers was Mrs. Chapin. She made geography interesting, and that's really selling. ... I see selling everywhere I look. Selling is part of the whole world."

It takes courage to ask for what you want. Courage is not the absence of fear. It's doing what it takes despite one's fear. And, as Markita has discovered, the more you ask, the easier (and more fun) it gets.

Once, on live TV, the producer decided to give Markita her toughest selling challenge. Markita was asked to sell Girl Scout cookies to another guest on the show. "Would you like to invest in one dozen or two dozen boxes of Girl Scout cookies?" she asked.

"Girl Scout cookies?! I don't buy any Girl Scout cookies!" he replied. "I'm a Federal Penitentiary warden. I put 2,000 rapists, robbers, criminals, muggers and child abusers to bed every night."

Unruffled, Markita quickly countered, "Mister, if you take some of these cookies, maybe you won't be so mean and angry and evil. And, Mister, I think it would be a good idea for you to take some of these cookies back for every one of your 2,000 prisoners, too."

Markita asked.

The warden wrote a check.

The Gift Of Music"Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees. Time can break your heart, have you begging please. Beyond the door there's peace I'm sure, And I know there'll be no more tears in heaven."

Things in Life I Learned from a Jigsaw Puzzle

1. Don't force a fit. If something is meant to be, it will come together naturally.
2. When things aren't going so well, take a break. Everything will look different when you return.
3. Be sure to look at the big picture. Getting hung up on the little pieces only leads to frustration.
4. Perseverance pays off. Every important puzzle went together bit by bit, piece by piece.
5. When one spot stops working, move to another. But be sure to come back later (see #4).
6. The creator of the puzzle gave you the picture as a guidebook.
7. Variety is the spice of life. It's the different colors and patterns that make the puzzle interesting.
8. Working together with friends and family makes any task fun.
9. Establish the border first. Boundaries give a sense of security and order.
10. Don't be afraid to try different combinations. Some matches are surprising.
11. Take time often to celebrate your successes (even little ones).
12. Anything worth doing takes time and effort. A great puzzle can't be rushed.

Old Letter on SHAUN, Transportation, thoughts

Another old email, tells about my Desire to meet SHAUN and how it played out!
Written Monday 4/16/2012
As for the concert, I had been doing that "I will meet SHAUN MORGAN
Saturday 4/14!" affirmation. . . well I made it to the 1,000 mark,
which as I may have mentioned to you before, I heard through
MindMovies.com is how long it takes to START believing something. It
takes that many times saying an affirmation, any affirmation, for a
person's brain to actually start believing it. On Saturday I didn't
meet SHAUN, CRY!!!! however, Friendis and I were walking the halls of Joe
Louis arena seeking wristbands to get out onto the main floor and this
guy walks up and says: "Hey, wanna meet and greet with Nickelback?
We got an extra one!" Now, I'm not the biggest Nickelback fan and in
fact, the more songs they write about alcohol the less of a fan I am,
but on the other hand I thought "Well what the hell?" So we said sure.
So we got a meet and greet. All we did was say hi and get our picture
taken with the band. There was no giving out of signed memoribilia, no
time to even fake some great awakening in my life to thank the band
for, or time to whisper something about I've met SHAUN before and
since their on tour together could they rig it so I could. Lol.
Seriously, the plan would have been to play it up like they were the
greatest band ever, then just throw it in there as a casual
afterthought. Either way, I had no time to even consider or reconsider
my options since it was so quick. I have to say it didn't change my
impression of them at all. Well, unless you count the fact we left and
RAN towards the main floor SHAUN was in the middle of "FINE AGAIN" and
all you would have heard if you'd been there was some VERY 'unlady
like' language coming out of my mouth! Goddammit! Motherfucker!
Cocksucker!!!!!!! I new it!!!!!!!! I NEW I heard "GASOLINE" while we were waiting in line! Friendis just laughed and said: "Well okay then! Tell me
how you feel!"
Lol. After the show she said: "Friendis, I think the Universe got it's
signals crossed. Maybe you need to put more emphasis on SHAUN FUCKING
MORGAN FROM SEETHER!!! next time." Lol. I said: "Well, on the upside,
it proves affirmations work on SOME level. And besides, thinking about
molesting him did make it ALOT easier for me to finish my workouts!"
So meeting Nickelback wasn't a big deal for me, but I've been trying
to figure out how to inform the Universe of that without giving off
the signal that I'm completely ungreatful. The best way to some it up
I guess is that I'm Greatful the affirmation got me through my
workout, and I've carried on with my other ones. In fact I hit the
1,000 mark with both "I lose weight easily and effortlessly!" and "I
love working out!" today.
I also discovered yesterday morning that I'm down from 211 pounds to
203 pounds, so that encouraged me to keep up with the affirmations to,
plus choose my food choices carefully. I'm not as worried about
portions *for fruits and most veggies* for example, but I am more
careful with carbs. I found out the mac and cheese I love so much is
300 calories a cup so I only took a third of a cup the other day. I'm
also careful with my consumption of corn though I adore it! On top of
that I was even more proud of my progress considering Easter just
passed and I also just finished a box of apple cinamon chereos! I
didn't eat them all in one sitting, but because I'd already been
holding onto them for months and didn't want them to go bad I did eat
a few big bowls to get them gone before they expired on me. So all in
all I'd say I'm doing pretty darn good!!
I'm still reading like crazy about animals, REAL CSI techniques and
not the 'fake' stuff in the TV shows, and I've been keeping a list of
authors I like that I have received from books on tape so I can call
them up and ask for more of those authors.
Speaking of reading, one of the books I read is by Temple Grandin,
she's part of a group that helps to better practices for animals. All
animals though, from farm animals to wild animals to cats and dogs.
That's the supershort explanation. She's autistic and in her 60's now
and is also a professor in Colo.
Anyway, she was explaining about the different emotional systems in
animals, one of them being fear, another being rage. She said that
when an animal is held down it causes a feeling of fear which can
morph into a feeling of rage. This doesn't matter whether their held
down physically to receive a shot or mentally by having been
conditioned in a certain way for so long that they don't believe they
can ever get out of their present situation. You may see where this is
going. . .
It got me thinking about my rage in not an entirely different light,
but in a different light. I may have said things about my rage before,
but at the moment she said that, I started thinking that if I had a
more fulfilling life, being able to volunteer like I Desire to, doing
what I DESIRE to do, not what some one else tells me they think I'm
qualified to do/should do, than my approach to fighting parents and/or
children would most likely be a different one. My inclination is to
lash out because I feel a complete lack of control MOST of the time
over my life and any external forces that enter it. And in fact, the
fact that I'm able to control my rage at all only proves that I'm
'managing' just bearly and most likely doing so because my prefrontal
cortex has grown up and become fully developed *as it does by the time
your in your 20's* which has kept me from doing anything stupid.
Anyway, on that note, Dad informed me Friday night that SEETHER will be
the last concert in Detroit I see unless I find someone else to take
me. I handled it with grace I thought, but now I'm thinking I MUST
find someone to take me to Detroit BEFORE the Cranberries and Garbage
announce tourdates in our area, otherwise I'm royally screwed!!!! Dad
says when Friendis gets her license I can ride down with her *during the
day since she can drive during the day* and we can get a hotel close
to where ever the concert is, park her car there, walk to the concert
and then back to the hotel and she can drive us home the next day.
This of course ups the total cost of my concert to probably well over
$200, since no hotel room is cheap! Plus there'd be gas and the second
ticket if Friendis couldn't afford to buy her own. He says alternatively I
can ask B, but her personality IS NOT conducive to going in the
moshpit!
I went with SH to the 99% training yesterday and she loves rock
music, especially SEETHER! However, the downside is she hasn't been to
a concert in forever because she can't afford it, so I'm not sure how
she'd take to me begging her to go and promising I'd cover the cost of
everything. She's older and wiser, think she's in her 50's now, and
because she already knows so much about me *since I told her* she'd
probably reject this idea on principle alone because she knows my
money issues.
Friendis says to relax, but you know me, and I AM NOT relaxing! It's more
like I'm in low panic mode, haven't started pulling my hair out yet or
banging my head against brick walls, but should I find that either of
the aforementioned bands is coming to Detroit anytime soon, or that
any other band I LOVE is coming soon I will most likely start ripping
my hair out and pounding my head relentlessly against brick walls!
On top of that the Machine Shop isn't a viable option. They haven't
had a show I've REALLY Desired to see in months, which is why I
haven't been to a concert in months!
Being that my money is going for mail and the like lately, I'm ONLY
spending my money WHERE I HAVE to spend it, or where I REALLY REALLY
REALLY Desire something! So if it's a toss up between P.O.D and
Halestorm at the Machine Shop or SEETHER and Bush at the Joe Louis,
I'm going for SEETHER as I just did.
Anyway, I forgot that my newest affirmation is "I open my heart to
love!" just started that one today and got up to 100 before I ended my
workout.
I'm trying to settle on ones for fear, transportation and getting what
I Desire next. Or maybe fear of not getting what I Desire and Desire
go together somehow. . . Still thinking on that one. Because that's
what all this is predicated on. I'm afraid of living to be 55 and not
accomplishing ANYTHING worthwhile, not having a Baby, not having a
partner, not having transportation to concerts, not having a place to
volunteer at and transportation to and from that place, living with my
Dad forever, etc etc etc. So there's alot of fear there and that's
when I came to the conclusion I'd much rather die then live up to that
point only to find out I didn't do a bloody thing! In fact, I'd rather
die then EVEN ENTERTAIN this possibility of NOT achieving!
Friendis and I stayed up almost all night Saturday discussing it.
I went looking in my middle sized suitcase *I brought that one because
my big one is under a couple boxes and I new I'd be going with SH so
I didn't want to carry anything I didn't absolutely need with me and
that included lugging around a giant suitcase. So I stuck with the
middle one. So I'm digging in there to make sure I have my facepads,
soap, shampoo, lotion, toothpaste/toothbrush/mouthwash and I come
across a bottle with two Tylenol 3 pills in it. I told Friendis, when I
found that bottle my stomach got butterflies. It was like I was going
to meet ELI or something. That had never happened before and the smart
part of my brain thought: "Well, this is a new and concerning
development. . ." while the other half thought: "Great! They aren't
all gone and I can get even happier tonight!" Then I settled on the
idea that I would only take them IF I came out of the show in pain. Of course,
wouldn't you know, I did come out of the show in pain. Of course I did
because I stood on my feet for like 4 hours straight cuz we were on
the main floor! Needless to say I took them and then thought: "Good,
their gone. I don't have to think about them now." Fine thought for
two pills, but what if there had been 6 or 8?
So after we got back to her place we got to talking about it and she
was telling me how because she's struggled with alcohol and because
I've always been the 'smart one' the one who fights against pills and
alcohol and street drugs she didn't ever want to see me fall like
that. She says I already struggle enough and she'd hate to see me
struggle anymore with anything else. I know she's right and at the
moment I know it doesn't matter because I have no pills and no alcohol
and don't plan on spending money on either anytime soon! I've only
taken what's there. However, I also know that I feel just about as
rebelious as a person can feel and feel about 99% confident that if it
were offered, whatever IT might be, I'd probably 'try' it. I think the
only way I wouldn't would be, interestingly enough, if I were around
someone like SHAUN, because I know he struggles with it and I would
want to be the 'stand-up' person in that situation, the one example of
clenliness he probably would have around since most guys are doing
something these days.
That of course lead us into talking about destructive behaviors in
general and why, even when we're trying to improve our lives, we still
find ourselves walking SUPER tightropes. I told her, it's like those
bridges that they make for kids to play on at the park, you walk
across them, but others come and start bouncing on them while you're
walking across holding the rails and the whole bridge starts to shake
and rock back and forth causing you to become off balance. If you don't
hold onto the rails you could get hurt. Not really since they have
rails on them, but it's a perfect metaphor for life. Yes I'm a good
person, and I have some Great qualities, but I'm also very rebelious,
and the older I get the more rebelious I find myself being instead of
'less'.
I know what's good for me and what's not, but I still want to try
things that aren't, even things I know could hurt or even kill me. I
guess I'm like my mother in that way. NEVER thought I'd find myself
writing that, but she played at being a grown-up for a longtime and
then finally gave it up for partying instead. Dad's mellowed with age,
but he had his fun when he was young. My mother moved out of my
grandmother's house and into my Dads a week after she turned 17. They
got married in 1980, had me in 86 though they'd been trying since day
1 and B in 91. She managed the facade, though she did party often,
for quite a while, then even gave up partying and smoking for 8 years
or so and then went back when I turned 18.
It's another of those things for me though. I know what's what, I just
don't care. I know the score, I know I'd be playing with fire, I just
don't care about that, just like I don't care that I'd hurt my family
if I weren't here. I'd been trying to avoid saying that, kept trying
to figure out another word to describe what I think and how I feel,
but it's time for me to call a spade a spade and that's what this is.
I just don't care. Do I care at SOME level? Most likely, but it's the
same level that I care about killing someone if I get into a fight
with them. I don't WANT to kill them, but that realization wouldn't be
enough to stop me without someone pulling me off. If noone was there
to pull me off the person would be dead and then I'd start thinking:
"Oh shit! What did I just do? Why did I do that? I didn't want to kill
them! I just wanted them to suffer a little, I wanted them to stop
coming at me! That's all!" But when your dead you don't have those
thoughts, but if you could have those thoughts that's what I'd be
thinking afterward.
On an entirely different note, I mentioned SH, she's going to look
into getting transportation for me, she knows the daughter of the Your
Ride head and said she'd try to talk to him herself and explain my
situation to him. She's also talking to the others at the Disability
Network to see if they can't help me get a volunteer position with
babies or animals, maybe both if I play my cards right! That'd be
awesome, then I could probably be busy 3 or 4 days a week, maybe 5!
I think that's it for now.

Updates on Affirmations, Turmoil

Letters from a couple days ago about my Affirmations and yes, my BFF.
I'm up to 3,000 on my "I'm ready to confront my fears!" affirmation.
Believe it or not I was actually so desperate to say it more I was
chomping at the bit this weekend and the minute they left Saturday
night to go to the movies I jumped on the treadmill and bike! I didn't
know they were going, they didn't tell me just left, so I didn't even
know how long they'd be gone. Then Sunday morning they went to church
and I did the same thing again. I usually alternate and do a different
affirmation each day, well, one affirmation every couple of days and
than alternate. So one day it's confronting my fear and the next it
would usually be "I open my heart to love!" or another one I like, but
as I said, really wanted to kick this one so I went at it both days.
Funnily enough, I wanted it so bad I contemplated dragging the
treadmill and bike into my room if they didn't leave the house! Lol!
You know how I was about working out before! Def not the same person!!
Lol.
I'm soooo proud of myself, I fucking rock!!!!
Monday it was back to "I open my heart to love!" since that was the
other touchy one that made me cry, will probably make me cry more now
as I'm tearing up JUST WRITING IT!!!
Today I did one I'd come up with a while back, "I am beautiful, bold,
and confident!"
I was feeling a bit restless and tried to come up with a few new ones
after you sent me that page but it just wasn't working.
I feel like there's more there, but I'm not sure at the moment how
long it'll take for me to get back there.
I'm trying hard to write an upbeat letter, but they just played
Sevendust's "Driven" and I'm feeling pretty emotional.
I clicked on contacts to write you and saw Her cell phone and
email. Part of me just wants to delete them from my computer so I
won't see them.
I know people here don't get it, but for me this is like a break up.
Like she said, we were more than friends and less than lovers, that
stupid undefined, nondescript gray area and I hate that!
I hate that I had no boundaries with her and now wish I had, wish I
did, wish this didn't hurt!!! And I wonder why I did it again, held
out so long.
I always swore I wouldn't be a doormat for anyone, but I was for my
mother and I was for her. You think that makes me a possible doormat
for someone else??
Anyway, at least I worked out this morning and did my affirmations and
when this happened with her I at least THOUGHT about working out again
instead of eating. The thought is what counts, right? Smile.
Talk later!!!
And thank you for letting me be a big baby about this. Ok, I'm not a
baby, but I feel like one.
------------------
I used breakup, but truthfully, it is closer to a death for me to. I
feel like people think I'm dramatizing though, you know?
I know you were right the other night though, things are picking up,
things are shifting for both of us and we'll come out on top!! I
suppose it's like the one door closes and another opens. I didn't used
to 'buy' into that, but I can see now how I did allow Her to hold me
back. Only, I didn't logically think: "I won't have any friends but
Her!" but perhaps that's the vibe I've been giving off for years
without realizing it. I'm just speculating, it's been up and down
today, but when I did my workout this evening I started with my "I am
beautiful, bold and confident!" statement, but I just wasn't feeling
it. I kept walking and thinking and "I have an abundance of friends!"
is what came to me. I DEFINITELY didn't expect it to come that fast.
Yesterday it was like my world has ended, my life is over,
everything's falling apart and what's wrong with me??? Why am I such a
failure? Whereas today it was a bit of that this morning, the
afternoon got a bit better and when I worked out this evening it was
the best I've felt all day.
I don't know if any of us has the answer, but I do wonder why we do
that to ourselves. What I mean is why is it the first thing we think
is what's wrong with me? Especially if it wasn't us and we didn't make
the call on the relationship. It's a curious thing to me.
I did cry some and I watched the movie 2012 with audio video
description. I found it pretty interesting and started thinking about
what life will be like later this year. I don't believe it's ending,
just that a higher consciousness or more awareness is coming to us. So
in looking at it like that that's how I tried to frame Her and my
friendship. This afternoon right before I started working out it
occured to me that she gave me something in working out. I'm not sure
what, and it took me years to 'catch up' if you will to her, but she
gave me something, some type of push and I acknowledge her for that.
It got me thinking I wonder what else she's given me and if I've
noticed it or not. Probably not if I have to think about it! Lol.
Anyway, I was also thinking if I could find a place to define our
relationship that would help. You know, figure out where the
boundaries are now. To email once a month, visit every 6 months or
maybe once a year. There's still part of me that aches when I write
that, but I know if I nailed down boundaries, then checked with her to
see if we could get on the same page again I'd have a foothold and an
idea of where to go next *with us*.
I know I don't have to be a doormat, but I guess my real question is
HAVE I BEEN a doormat? On one hand I feel like I have been, but on the
other hand I figure the question is worth asking someone else because
I'm on the inside and there's a big possibility I'm viewing things
through the wrong lens. So if I'm right and I have been a doormat then
I know the next step is to identify when I start repeating those
behaviors and patterns in another relationship again so I can halt
them quickly. If I haven't been then I have nothing to worry about and
can stop questing about for an answer. Or, at least that's what I'm
thinking! Lol.
--------------------
Well that's what I've been doing. I suppose the upside to any
emotional roller coaster is that every time something happens you come
better equipped than you were the last time it happened. I honestly
don't begrudge it at the moment. We'll see if it pops back up, but
that's where I'm at for now.
I kind of have to laugh here. . . you know it's bad when you think: "I
didn't set boundaries" and then after reading what you wrote about
being a doormat I hear Her own words in my head that I've been a
much better friend to her then she ever was to me. Thank you. . .
between the two of you and my own recollection of boundary setting I
have the answer.
Talk tomorrow.

Broken Thoughts

I initiated this talk. . . Part of me wishes I hadn't. I am in so much agony right now, it feels like my insides are burning.
I wonder if I was a doormat for you.
I was a doormat for her until I wised up. I swore I'd never do it again, but that's what happens when you say NEVER, especially if it's based in fear.
You were, are a part of me. I don't know how to get you OUT!! Part of me wishes I could, part of me wants to hold on forever.
Why did we have to exist in that fucking gray area? More than friends, more than sisters, less than lovers? What kind of fucking place was that for us to be in anyway??? You became my mother, my sister, not to mention my best friend, which is where we started.
I felt great until I really thought about what this all means. It means I have no best friend anymore. I have FRIENDS, but not a BEST FRIEND. I walk alone now, which I suppose was my biggest fear of all. Forget public service announcements and divorces and yes, even stupid evil bugs!! My biggest fear was waking up one day to discover that I walked alone. Well today is the day, and I fucking hate it!
I know if I cut, just one little cut and felt the blood run down my arm, I would feel better. I know if I licked it up and savored it like crumbs from a chocolate cake I would feel better, but only temporarily.
I don't blame you, contrary to what this might sound like. I really don't.
I started the conversation, like I always did. I even said I needed definition in not so many words. All you did was give it. Thank you for your honesty. . . I appreciate it.
I think of no more concerts with you, no more late nights playing "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?", no more talks of the scrapes we got into in school, of the things we did mostly together and some you've done on your own. The shared bond between us that I see crumpled and broken and bleeding.
I am here, crumpled and broken and bleeding. . . I've been fighting this all night, but I'm finally crying as I type this. It's finally too much to hold in. Part of me wishes I'd saved that Tylenol3. . . Now would be the perfect time for it.
I've been trying so fucking hard to feel, but I fucking hate feeling!!! I could eat and eat and eat or I could starve myself, neither pain could compare to this. I wish I'd decided against us years ago when I said I loved you as more than and you said you loved me as less than. . . But then again, if I'd walked away we wouldn't have had all the fabulous times we've had. . .
I am sorry that I didn't listen to you though, and I wish I had. . . I couldn't though. I thought I'd be ok, thought I could come out unattached, unscathed, but I was wrong. I'm wrong about these things often. . .
I really do get to attached and love too much, fall too hard, hold on to tight and this is what happens to those of us who do such things.
It doesn't matter what we are, it matters what we were and who knows how long the agony from that will last. You want me with handfuls of friends. . . I have to wonder if it's worth it. Part of me doesn't think it is.
Affirmations aren't dulling this and positive thinking isn't pulling me up. Maybe it's to early and I just need this for tonight, I don't know.
I feel like I've given all my blood. No energy, no spark, nothing. And why the fuck is it that every song they play makes me think of you?
What I said up there. . . it does matter what we become. . . I miss what we were though, or what I THOUGHT we were and that's another thing. Why the fuck does one think they see so clearly in the midst of a relationship, any relationship, and then when said relationship dissolves or changes drastically then and only then do they step back and realize they were blind and didn't see a damn thing? And why does one start wondering then, did I imagine what we were? Did you feel as close to me as I did you at one time, a long time ago? Or was it all in my head? Why does the brain play cruel tricks like that??
Anyway, I know there's no answers here, but this all has to go somewhere.
I love you. . .
--
What if the one thing that I missed,
Was everything I need to pass the test,
And if I fail what happens then,
Can I still count on you as a friend
"Live to Rise"--Christopher Cornell/Soundgarden, from The Avengers Soundtrack