I never pass up the opportunity to brag about my Furry girls, so when
a friend posted on his status asking us to share about our pets I went
crazy with it! Enjoy!
I've got a puppymill thriver named Sadie, she's a beautiful 3-year-old
CockerSpaniel who acts more like a puppy then an adult! Lol. She
sleeps on my bed with me, & loves to lay on her stomach with her back
paws out behind her & her front paws all tucked up with her head on
them. She wags her whole rearend when she gets excited & when I leave
my bedroom door open, she runs from one end of the house to the other.
When my Dad calls to her 'Sadie! Sadieeeeee!!!' She runs & hides, only
to come out & chase him when he gives up on petting her & walks off!
Lol.
I've also got a 3-year-old Main Coon cat named KittyKitty whom we
rescued from drowning in our ditch. She has some brain damage, but
she's absolutely adorable!! You know the parots who like to sit on
your shoulder? Well she's a ParaCat! Lol. She loves to sit on my
shoulder & wag her tail. Thinks she's Miss Prissy Cat! Lol. She also
loves to do high rise acrobatics on my arms & shoulders. she'll even
stand on my hand, how she manages to keep her balance I'll never know!
She trusts me completely though & I love that. My family members are
jealous. Lol. & she flaunts it. She'll stand on me & stare at them
like 'Nah nah nah!!' Lol. She's quite the kitty!
--
"It'll only take a few minutes. When does anything that's supposed to
take a few minutes only take a few minutes?"--Garfield - "The Garfield
Show" & he's right!
"Find me, feel me, fill me, then cut me up!!"--Shaun Morgan - Seether "Burrito"
"It's so cold out here tonight, I met a bear walking down the street &
even he was wearing pants!"--Elias Soriano Febuary 2009, joking about
Michigan's f-f-f-freezing weather!
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Sunday, July 8, 2012
I AM A GODDESS!!
ORIGINALLY POSTED AT MY PINK POSSE BLOG ON OR NEAR
Sat, Sep 25, 2010 at 2:00 AM
Wow, what a show!!! I regret to say, that with all that's been going
on, I haven't exactly filled you all in about ELIAS yet, so I shall do
that next! However, this must be written, NOW! Right this minute,
while it's still with me!
I went to see ED Kowalczyk this evening! Former lead singer of the
band Live & a great one I might add! It was amazing!!! Absolutely
AMAZING! The show itself was great, he played "Dolphins Cry, Heaven,
All Over You, Lightning Crashes, I Alone, The Distance, Grace *from
his solo album*, & Dance With You". He played tons more new songs, but
I honestly don't remember their titles.
Anyway, like I said, the show itself was great! Everyone was swaying &
dancing, clapping & singing! Usually at a 'rock show', everyone's
humping everyone else, spilling beer on each other, smoking 'Juana, &
generally acting crazy. Lol. I mean, there's a place for that, I love
it! There's something very primal about being humped, but that's a
whole other story! Lol.
What really got me though, was "Dance With You". The night had been
great, Dad even stood in the pit with me, so that tells you how
subdued it really was! He only went to sit down when he absolutely
couldn't stand anymore, & when we left he said: "It was good, I like
him!" Lol! Ok people, my Father doesn't usually say that!! But Ed was
singing "Dance With You" & he had opened the door when he waded into
"Heaven" by dedicating it to all of us mothers, daughters, ladies. .
., but the flood gates came pouring in with "Dance With You".
He's singing & I'm standing there thinking:
"I'm a Goddess!! I'm a woman! I can give life & exude love & power &
greatness!" In my Dad's words, "I'm the coolest!".
Lol. Normally, your mother helps you to find yourself. You look up to
her, even if the two of you struggle when your growing up, you come
into your womanhood with her as a mentor. However, in my case, & in
alot of cases, women don't have that relationship with their mothers,
& I started seeking another 'mother' to mentor me. So I found it
completely shocking that a man brought me to that last step. I'd been
working my way towards it with Amy *Mamamorphosis*, & I've always
known there was 'something' about Ed's lyrics that I couldn't quite
put my finger on, but it turned out to be a man that brought me to my
realization instead of a woman. I found that quite shocking, but in a
good way.
I walked out of there feeling 'awesome!!!'. He stretched the song out
for 5 minutes or so just repeating & having us echo him.
"I wanna dance with you, I wanna dance with you. . ." & I'm actually
looking for a dance partner! Lol. I 'don't do' that! But I was this
evening, though I didn't find anyone. But it was great!!! He was
telling us how he's partnered with World Vision to help bring clean
water to kids in Africa, *he said: "It's my job to bring a glass of
water to my 6 & 8 year old daughters' bedrooms every night when I'm
home."* & he was thinking about how he took it for granted that he
could do that for them when people in other countries can't do that,
or if they can, they aren't sure that they should, because said water
could be dirty & unsafe to drink. So he wanted to do something about
it & partnered with World Vision on this tour to do just that. So I
was already thinking: "What an amazing man!"
I'm a humanitarian through & through as I said, so the fact that he's
doing something I will do someday was inspiring & then he ended with
"Dance With You" & I just went crazy, but in the best way possible! I
swear, I was flying, or at least my heart was. My heart has wings
now!!!!! Woohoo!!!
So this is me!
I am a Goddess! A beautiful, talented, exquisite Goddess, who can give
life! Who has power & strength & love pouring out of every cell & I
love it! I love me!!
Sat, Sep 25, 2010 at 2:00 AM
Wow, what a show!!! I regret to say, that with all that's been going
on, I haven't exactly filled you all in about ELIAS yet, so I shall do
that next! However, this must be written, NOW! Right this minute,
while it's still with me!
I went to see ED Kowalczyk this evening! Former lead singer of the
band Live & a great one I might add! It was amazing!!! Absolutely
AMAZING! The show itself was great, he played "Dolphins Cry, Heaven,
All Over You, Lightning Crashes, I Alone, The Distance, Grace *from
his solo album*, & Dance With You". He played tons more new songs, but
I honestly don't remember their titles.
Anyway, like I said, the show itself was great! Everyone was swaying &
dancing, clapping & singing! Usually at a 'rock show', everyone's
humping everyone else, spilling beer on each other, smoking 'Juana, &
generally acting crazy. Lol. I mean, there's a place for that, I love
it! There's something very primal about being humped, but that's a
whole other story! Lol.
What really got me though, was "Dance With You". The night had been
great, Dad even stood in the pit with me, so that tells you how
subdued it really was! He only went to sit down when he absolutely
couldn't stand anymore, & when we left he said: "It was good, I like
him!" Lol! Ok people, my Father doesn't usually say that!! But Ed was
singing "Dance With You" & he had opened the door when he waded into
"Heaven" by dedicating it to all of us mothers, daughters, ladies. .
., but the flood gates came pouring in with "Dance With You".
He's singing & I'm standing there thinking:
"I'm a Goddess!! I'm a woman! I can give life & exude love & power &
greatness!" In my Dad's words, "I'm the coolest!".
Lol. Normally, your mother helps you to find yourself. You look up to
her, even if the two of you struggle when your growing up, you come
into your womanhood with her as a mentor. However, in my case, & in
alot of cases, women don't have that relationship with their mothers,
& I started seeking another 'mother' to mentor me. So I found it
completely shocking that a man brought me to that last step. I'd been
working my way towards it with Amy *Mamamorphosis*, & I've always
known there was 'something' about Ed's lyrics that I couldn't quite
put my finger on, but it turned out to be a man that brought me to my
realization instead of a woman. I found that quite shocking, but in a
good way.
I walked out of there feeling 'awesome!!!'. He stretched the song out
for 5 minutes or so just repeating & having us echo him.
"I wanna dance with you, I wanna dance with you. . ." & I'm actually
looking for a dance partner! Lol. I 'don't do' that! But I was this
evening, though I didn't find anyone. But it was great!!! He was
telling us how he's partnered with World Vision to help bring clean
water to kids in Africa, *he said: "It's my job to bring a glass of
water to my 6 & 8 year old daughters' bedrooms every night when I'm
home."* & he was thinking about how he took it for granted that he
could do that for them when people in other countries can't do that,
or if they can, they aren't sure that they should, because said water
could be dirty & unsafe to drink. So he wanted to do something about
it & partnered with World Vision on this tour to do just that. So I
was already thinking: "What an amazing man!"
I'm a humanitarian through & through as I said, so the fact that he's
doing something I will do someday was inspiring & then he ended with
"Dance With You" & I just went crazy, but in the best way possible! I
swear, I was flying, or at least my heart was. My heart has wings
now!!!!! Woohoo!!!
So this is me!
I am a Goddess! A beautiful, talented, exquisite Goddess, who can give
life! Who has power & strength & love pouring out of every cell & I
love it! I love me!!
More Than Sisters, Less Than Lovers
ORIGINALLY POSTED AT MY PINK POSSE BLOG ON OR NEAR
Thu, Sep 23, 2010 at 4:05 PM
I never wanted to acknowledge that my mother was right, about
anything! How could she be 'right' when she screwed up so many things?
However, she is right about at least one
thing.
The action or inaction a person takes speaks much louder then any
words they can utter.
I said: I want to celebrate my accomplishments! I know you understand,
you get me! Let's celebrate together!
It wasn't 'to late' when I said it, I didn't procrastinate, I didn't
sit on my hands. Yet, there was almost no time.
I've been talking about Christmas, Thanksgiving, Halloween &
birthdays. These things are months, a month, or a few weeks in
advance. Just depending on when I initially brought them up & the time
that has elapsed since I originally brought them up. Yet, there's no
time penciled in, & when the 'time' does come, there could be
something else that's got to be done.
The actions tell me:
I don't care. I'm to busy. You aren't important. You're in my way. You
lean on me to much. Your to close.
Do those actions mean what they say? Most likely not. But that doesn't
stop the words from echoing in my head. I'd almost rather that you
slapped me in the face. I'd almost rather that you yell at me. I'd
almost rather that you punch me.
I realize we're on different wave lengths & I've been dealing with it.
I don't call every day, I don't bother you on FB every day. I like
comments you make or comment on things you post, but I don't try to
purposely insert myself into your life.
I feel I've bent as far as I can though. It's hurting & it's hurting
too much for me to stay silent anymore. Although I've tried to speak
up in the past, but I feel as though I'm not heard. There's an
invisible wall there & I'm doing everything I can to climb it, to get
around it so we can talk, but I can't do it alone.
I know, it's a balancing act. Life in itself is this whole balancing
act. To be happy, to be sad, to be angry & violent or calm & stoic,
it's all a balancing act.
So what's going wrong here? If I asked a year in advance would that
make it better? Could you pencil me in then?
I'm not being snippy, I truly want to know. How far in advance should
I ask & if I do, will you promise to fit me in?
I don't want to talk in circles we're to good at that already. I want
answers. So do I come up with them or do you? Should we work on them
together? Isn't that what family does? Work on things together, come
up with solutions together?
It's like we're family but we aren't. Other people seem to come first,
consistently. Is that true? Maybe not. Does it feel true though,
unfortunately it does.
Things will never be what they might have been. We're grown now & I
know that. We're moving together but separately & I know that to.
Just how far apart are we moving though? Is this going to be 180
degrees of separation?
I will ALWAYS have your back. If you need me, I'm there. Fuck the rest
of my family, if you're in crisis & you need me & you call me, I'm
gone. A plane, a train, a bus I don't care. Money is no issue. If you
ever need me, for anything, I will be there.
If I need you though, will you be there? When Sadie dies, when Tigger
dies, will you be there? When it comes time to bury them, will you
come?
I could sit here & list all the obstacles that could impeed & get in
the way, but forgetting those obstacles, because family is more
important, can I call you? If being there in person isn't possible,
can I pick up the phone & will you be there to answer it?
I have your back, period. Do you ever question that? If you do I don't
know about it, so there it is. If you ever have questioned it, you
don't have to. I've got your back, period. ALWAYS & FOREVER!
You are my sister & I've got you. I just wonder if you have me.
When we were kids, I never saw myself asking that question. Not once,
ever. Now I do & I wish I didn't.
I wish I new & I wish I didn't have to.
We had such a great time when I was over last time. I'm trying to
remember if I brought up anything depressing, & how we discussed it.
You say you see the changes & most of the time, their high up on
display. I like them to. That's why I want to celebrate them! & I want
to celebrate them with you because you saw them! You respect them, you
pointed them out! You're like the lighthouse on the shore of the
miserable lake I was stuck in! & most of the time, I'm out of it now!
I'm with you on the shore basking in the sun & the light & I love
being there! I loved our picnic *minus the walking*, & even though it
wasn't the 'highlight' it had it's bright spot! I loved the ducks &
being by the water & it was great! So we have those moments & I wish
we had them more often! For as long as we've been friends, I put tons
of crap on you. You gave me some to, but not nearly as much as I gave
you. & I wonder, if we both love them, then where do I go wrong when I
ask to get together? Or do I just ask too much, period.
All I can do is guess & speculate & my brain is to damned good at
conjuring up 'stuff'. For all the changes, it can & does still run
away with me.
So if you can, set me straight. Tell me how to fix it or that there's
nothing I can do, or that we aren't into the same things anymore, or
that we never were. It's ok, I can take it, I have to. I took a much
harder blow when we were younger & I withstood it. I'm still your
friend, so please, just tell me what to do & what's wrong or tell me
that there's nothing to be done.
It feels like we've had alot of this over the past 2 years, & I hate
that. Especially now when we've both got new chapters in our lives,
but it seems it's still here & I can't handle it anymore & especially
on my own.
Love you.
Thu, Sep 23, 2010 at 4:05 PM
I never wanted to acknowledge that my mother was right, about
anything! How could she be 'right' when she screwed up so many things?
However, she is right about at least one
thing.
The action or inaction a person takes speaks much louder then any
words they can utter.
I said: I want to celebrate my accomplishments! I know you understand,
you get me! Let's celebrate together!
It wasn't 'to late' when I said it, I didn't procrastinate, I didn't
sit on my hands. Yet, there was almost no time.
I've been talking about Christmas, Thanksgiving, Halloween &
birthdays. These things are months, a month, or a few weeks in
advance. Just depending on when I initially brought them up & the time
that has elapsed since I originally brought them up. Yet, there's no
time penciled in, & when the 'time' does come, there could be
something else that's got to be done.
The actions tell me:
I don't care. I'm to busy. You aren't important. You're in my way. You
lean on me to much. Your to close.
Do those actions mean what they say? Most likely not. But that doesn't
stop the words from echoing in my head. I'd almost rather that you
slapped me in the face. I'd almost rather that you yell at me. I'd
almost rather that you punch me.
I realize we're on different wave lengths & I've been dealing with it.
I don't call every day, I don't bother you on FB every day. I like
comments you make or comment on things you post, but I don't try to
purposely insert myself into your life.
I feel I've bent as far as I can though. It's hurting & it's hurting
too much for me to stay silent anymore. Although I've tried to speak
up in the past, but I feel as though I'm not heard. There's an
invisible wall there & I'm doing everything I can to climb it, to get
around it so we can talk, but I can't do it alone.
I know, it's a balancing act. Life in itself is this whole balancing
act. To be happy, to be sad, to be angry & violent or calm & stoic,
it's all a balancing act.
So what's going wrong here? If I asked a year in advance would that
make it better? Could you pencil me in then?
I'm not being snippy, I truly want to know. How far in advance should
I ask & if I do, will you promise to fit me in?
I don't want to talk in circles we're to good at that already. I want
answers. So do I come up with them or do you? Should we work on them
together? Isn't that what family does? Work on things together, come
up with solutions together?
It's like we're family but we aren't. Other people seem to come first,
consistently. Is that true? Maybe not. Does it feel true though,
unfortunately it does.
Things will never be what they might have been. We're grown now & I
know that. We're moving together but separately & I know that to.
Just how far apart are we moving though? Is this going to be 180
degrees of separation?
I will ALWAYS have your back. If you need me, I'm there. Fuck the rest
of my family, if you're in crisis & you need me & you call me, I'm
gone. A plane, a train, a bus I don't care. Money is no issue. If you
ever need me, for anything, I will be there.
If I need you though, will you be there? When Sadie dies, when Tigger
dies, will you be there? When it comes time to bury them, will you
come?
I could sit here & list all the obstacles that could impeed & get in
the way, but forgetting those obstacles, because family is more
important, can I call you? If being there in person isn't possible,
can I pick up the phone & will you be there to answer it?
I have your back, period. Do you ever question that? If you do I don't
know about it, so there it is. If you ever have questioned it, you
don't have to. I've got your back, period. ALWAYS & FOREVER!
You are my sister & I've got you. I just wonder if you have me.
When we were kids, I never saw myself asking that question. Not once,
ever. Now I do & I wish I didn't.
I wish I new & I wish I didn't have to.
We had such a great time when I was over last time. I'm trying to
remember if I brought up anything depressing, & how we discussed it.
You say you see the changes & most of the time, their high up on
display. I like them to. That's why I want to celebrate them! & I want
to celebrate them with you because you saw them! You respect them, you
pointed them out! You're like the lighthouse on the shore of the
miserable lake I was stuck in! & most of the time, I'm out of it now!
I'm with you on the shore basking in the sun & the light & I love
being there! I loved our picnic *minus the walking*, & even though it
wasn't the 'highlight' it had it's bright spot! I loved the ducks &
being by the water & it was great! So we have those moments & I wish
we had them more often! For as long as we've been friends, I put tons
of crap on you. You gave me some to, but not nearly as much as I gave
you. & I wonder, if we both love them, then where do I go wrong when I
ask to get together? Or do I just ask too much, period.
All I can do is guess & speculate & my brain is to damned good at
conjuring up 'stuff'. For all the changes, it can & does still run
away with me.
So if you can, set me straight. Tell me how to fix it or that there's
nothing I can do, or that we aren't into the same things anymore, or
that we never were. It's ok, I can take it, I have to. I took a much
harder blow when we were younger & I withstood it. I'm still your
friend, so please, just tell me what to do & what's wrong or tell me
that there's nothing to be done.
It feels like we've had alot of this over the past 2 years, & I hate
that. Especially now when we've both got new chapters in our lives,
but it seems it's still here & I can't handle it anymore & especially
on my own.
Love you.
Grief
ORIGINALLY POSTED AT MY PINK POSSE BLOG ON OR NEAR
Sun, Sep 12, 2010 at 10:54 PM
I'm not sure where this is all coming from, the emotion of it, so read
at your own risk.
I was reading at a Law & Order: Special Victims Unit fan fiction site:
www.svufiction.com
I love the site, & of course, LO:SVU, which goes without saying.
Usually, I can watch or read the fic, & it takes me outside of myself,
into a different world. While it's usually not so comforting, I do get
true enjoyment out of seeing people brought to justice, & in the fan
fic world, true enjoyment out of Elliot & Olivia *El & Liv* finally
pairing up whether it's just a passionate one shot, or a multiple
chapter story where they get together & have a family of their own.
Usually, all of this affects me in a less noticeable way, in fact, I
love seeing them paired up as I said. As for the TV show itself,
seeing them get the perp & gain justice for the victims is glorious! I
love when El gets pissed off & goes off halfcocked, as that's how I
feel sometimes in my own life, & I can live vicariously through him,
having the courage to do something I'd probably never do myself. What
makes the show so great, is the fact that I'd place bets with anyone
that I could walk into a real life SVU squadroom & find 4 outstanding
detectives & a captain like El, Liv, Fin, John & Don. That's what
makes the cast so great. I would also bet that I could find a DA/ADA
like Alex or Casey. However, sometimes it seems that real life & fic
life can mold & form & shape & morph into a life of it's own, taking
me & completely spinning me out of control. Tonight is one of those
nights I guess, though they are extremely rare, which is why I watch
the show & read the stories so often.
Fan fic story:
Olivia gets lost, they find perp, perp won't confess. Sequel: Elliot
nearly kills himself with his temper, without Liv to hold him afloat &
the bottle tearing him down, not to mention the glaring agony & guilt
of failure. So he visits perp, perp won't confess to him, though he
comes close, then perp commits suicide & El gets the answers he's been
longing for in an envelope. However, all that does is lead them to the
body of Detective Olivia Benson. The agony & grief are still there,
only now the rest of the squad, DAs' & the Medical Examiner aren't
left languishing in the agony of waiting, their left languishing in
the agony of knowing, realizing that this is real, that Olivia will
never be a member of their family again, that she will never walk the
halls of the precinct, chat with them at some Cop bar in the middle of
Manhattan in the middle of the night, etc. Her voice, her laugh, her
smell, the way she looks when she smiles, the way she looks when
she's staring so hard at a casefile, the way she looks when El has
done yet another gigantic stupid thing are no more. These things, they
will never see again & it seems to break them. While they do come back
together, to each other, they will never be the same again.
& for some reason, it occurs to me, how this mirrors real life.
Usually, I don't allow myself to wander this path. Even when I felt at
my worst, which was before I joined PP, before I had all of you
wonderful people in my life, pushing & encouraging me & helping me,
all through the words typed & read on a computer screen, I still
didn't allow myself to go here hardly. I guess tonight it's just built
up though & so, it is here that I find myself, feeling as crazy &
insane as Elliot had before he new & after he new, once he had all the
answers he desperately wanted & didn't want.
Last night was my NONPOINT concert, & words can't express how much I
was looking forward to it, what it meant for me to be going & seeing
the guys, one of them in particular. Words are never enough for
something like that. Then my friend canceled on me. No explanation
other then that something had happened once again with her. On top of
that, Dad threatened to not take me to any concerts anymore, period
unless they were at the Machine Shop, however, we had an agreement
that said he would take me to concerts period, if I let him keep my
car instead of selling it. Yeah, your all confused now, why does a
blind woman own a car. Super short version, I wanted to go places, his
cars were unreliable, I bought car, he started taking me where I
wanted to go as long as I bought the tickets & paid for the gas &
bought him dinner. It was a win win situation for all involved,
because now that he's bought the car from me, he has a reliable
vehicle in which to transport us. So anyway, he wanted me to call my
friend & tell her that he had a birthday party to go to & that once a
person says they'll do something with you, they should do it, period.
In other words, unless there's a death in the family, a person's word
is their word, & they had damned well better follow through on it. I
told him I wouldn't call her & bitch her out like he wanted me to.
Instead I said I'd go to the concert alone if he'd just drop me off &
give me the Safelink phone we have from the government. For some
reason, that wasn't good enough, he said he wasn't taking me to
concerts anymore unless they were at the Shop, so I said I was buying
the car back & selling it out from under him, because he & I also had
a binding agreement that he was now trying to back out of. Needless to
say, rebecca jumped into it which was none of her business to do *& of
course, which I myself am guilty of having done before* & it only got
worse. She tried to tell me that my friend couldn't keep leaving me
stranded like this & that I needed to call her on it, whether I yelled
& screamed or did it quietly was my choice. She said neither of us
could back out of our agreement & that we'd better enjoy each other
while we had the chance to, because eventually I'd move out of the
house & Dad wouldn't have the opportunity to do this anymore, whether
he enjoys it or not having been put aside for the time being. So we
went to the show, I had a great time & I'll write about that later
where it belongs, in it's own post. Then today I'm checking & I've
still gotten no farther explanation from my friend. She stood me up
saying that 'something' had happened & then boom, went off the grid.
I'm actually used to this, because whenever something bad does happen,
it's her coping mechanism to retreat, but it still gets under my skin
because I allow it to as much as I try & stop it. Finally, I haven't
written this before, but Dot has been taken to Last Chance Rescue,
where I adopted Sadie from. I know they'll take great care of her, &
get her seizures under control, which is something I've been unable to
do, but the grief that I've tried to keep away from all day is
overwhelming & mindnumbing. While I'm glad that I don't have to bear
witness to her seizing anymore & am able to do nothing but quietly
hold & pet her, the agony of giving her up is searing my insides. I
nearly broke down at Petsmark where I dropped her off, but I didn't. I
nearly broke down in the car but I couldn't. So I got home & read
everything at svufiction, & it was like a slap in the face. I haven't
fully acknowledged the anniversary of my brother's death yet either,
nor all the feelings that come up from 9/11. I was one of those people
who just sat there & watched the whole thing for nearly 2 weeks until
things 'sort of' went back to normal. I was home recovering from my
last major surgery *they'd taken 2 ribs & put them into my face to
build up bone structure*, & I was the only one home while everyone
else was at school or work. I sat there all day bearly thinking about
food. I listened to all the songs & watched all the coverage, & my
parents never stopped me. They never dragged me away from the TV. We
didn't talk about it, about whether or not it was a mentally healthy
thing for me to be doing, just watching day after day. We never
discussed that. For me though, as much as it hurt, it was like I
couldn't pull away, I couldn't make myself watching. I'm not blaming
my parents, I was a responsible kid, 15, almost 16 & could have
stopped watching, but I didn't think it was right. I felt like I
should have been at Ground Zero helping out, & since I couldn't be
there, then I had to watch, to remember & never forget. & while I
didn't watch any specials yesterday & I was thrilled to be seeing
NONPOINT that night, it still burned me when they played "Frontlines"
& dedicated it to the soldiers, the victims & everyone who went
through it. I was never innocent, but it was a different type of 'loss
of innocence' that happened when the towers fell. I could practically
see myself there & feel the suffocation of it all. I thought about my
brother & the victims & it was all I could do not to cry as the song
blared & I sang along, forcing the words up & out of my throat more
then actually singing them. During the first SVUfic titled "Lost" the
author takes you through the agony of not knowing. Of wondering where
Olivia went & who took her & why she was taken. In the next part of
the fic "Mercy" we find out not necessarily why she was taken, but
how, & how her death came to be. It was an 'accident' in the words of
the perp. & it occured to me then, that in real life, if we allow
ourselves to, we can be sucked into that vortex of wondering. My
mother was sexually abused, I always say raped, because that's the
truth of it, sexually abused sounds to clinical & kind for my tastes,
& for as long as I can remember, I've wondered what her life would
have been like if she hadn't been raped, if her childhood hadn't been
taken from her. What would my life be like or any of the other lives
she touched throughout the years. My parents divorced when I was 19,
mom left when I was 18. What would our lives be like today if they
hadn't split. I've been in love with people who can't or won't
reciprocate my feelings. What would it be like if I weren't in love
with them, if one of them could reciprocate my feelings, if I weren't
so attached to them? So in it's own way, real life & Alternate
Universe life collide here, because both kinds of loss can & do occur
on a daily basis in real life. What would my brother's life have been
like if he'd been put on medication for his bipolar disorder & gotten
away from the drugs & alcohol. What would life be like if my paternal
Grandfather hadn't died 11 years before I was born. What would life be
like if my maternal grandfather hadn't abandoned my mother when she
was a kid. The what ifs are stark & stunning in their tragedy,
however, their only tragic if I dwell in them. I usually don't, & I
know I won't be here for long, but tonight I suppose I've felt like
dancing with the devil, trying to find answers, not to those questions
themselves, but to the universal question of now that I know what I
know, how do I move on? Where do I go from here? What's the next piece
in the puzzle that I need to find to get me to that next step, & the
next one & the next one?
I'm definitely not all cried out, but I do feel better writing this
all down & getting it all out in the open.
Now, it's just a matter of knowing where to go next. How do I get there?
Love,
Chelle
Sun, Sep 12, 2010 at 10:54 PM
I'm not sure where this is all coming from, the emotion of it, so read
at your own risk.
I was reading at a Law & Order: Special Victims Unit fan fiction site:
www.svufiction.com
I love the site, & of course, LO:SVU, which goes without saying.
Usually, I can watch or read the fic, & it takes me outside of myself,
into a different world. While it's usually not so comforting, I do get
true enjoyment out of seeing people brought to justice, & in the fan
fic world, true enjoyment out of Elliot & Olivia *El & Liv* finally
pairing up whether it's just a passionate one shot, or a multiple
chapter story where they get together & have a family of their own.
Usually, all of this affects me in a less noticeable way, in fact, I
love seeing them paired up as I said. As for the TV show itself,
seeing them get the perp & gain justice for the victims is glorious! I
love when El gets pissed off & goes off halfcocked, as that's how I
feel sometimes in my own life, & I can live vicariously through him,
having the courage to do something I'd probably never do myself. What
makes the show so great, is the fact that I'd place bets with anyone
that I could walk into a real life SVU squadroom & find 4 outstanding
detectives & a captain like El, Liv, Fin, John & Don. That's what
makes the cast so great. I would also bet that I could find a DA/ADA
like Alex or Casey. However, sometimes it seems that real life & fic
life can mold & form & shape & morph into a life of it's own, taking
me & completely spinning me out of control. Tonight is one of those
nights I guess, though they are extremely rare, which is why I watch
the show & read the stories so often.
Fan fic story:
Olivia gets lost, they find perp, perp won't confess. Sequel: Elliot
nearly kills himself with his temper, without Liv to hold him afloat &
the bottle tearing him down, not to mention the glaring agony & guilt
of failure. So he visits perp, perp won't confess to him, though he
comes close, then perp commits suicide & El gets the answers he's been
longing for in an envelope. However, all that does is lead them to the
body of Detective Olivia Benson. The agony & grief are still there,
only now the rest of the squad, DAs' & the Medical Examiner aren't
left languishing in the agony of waiting, their left languishing in
the agony of knowing, realizing that this is real, that Olivia will
never be a member of their family again, that she will never walk the
halls of the precinct, chat with them at some Cop bar in the middle of
Manhattan in the middle of the night, etc. Her voice, her laugh, her
smell, the way she looks when she smiles, the way she looks when
she's staring so hard at a casefile, the way she looks when El has
done yet another gigantic stupid thing are no more. These things, they
will never see again & it seems to break them. While they do come back
together, to each other, they will never be the same again.
& for some reason, it occurs to me, how this mirrors real life.
Usually, I don't allow myself to wander this path. Even when I felt at
my worst, which was before I joined PP, before I had all of you
wonderful people in my life, pushing & encouraging me & helping me,
all through the words typed & read on a computer screen, I still
didn't allow myself to go here hardly. I guess tonight it's just built
up though & so, it is here that I find myself, feeling as crazy &
insane as Elliot had before he new & after he new, once he had all the
answers he desperately wanted & didn't want.
Last night was my NONPOINT concert, & words can't express how much I
was looking forward to it, what it meant for me to be going & seeing
the guys, one of them in particular. Words are never enough for
something like that. Then my friend canceled on me. No explanation
other then that something had happened once again with her. On top of
that, Dad threatened to not take me to any concerts anymore, period
unless they were at the Machine Shop, however, we had an agreement
that said he would take me to concerts period, if I let him keep my
car instead of selling it. Yeah, your all confused now, why does a
blind woman own a car. Super short version, I wanted to go places, his
cars were unreliable, I bought car, he started taking me where I
wanted to go as long as I bought the tickets & paid for the gas &
bought him dinner. It was a win win situation for all involved,
because now that he's bought the car from me, he has a reliable
vehicle in which to transport us. So anyway, he wanted me to call my
friend & tell her that he had a birthday party to go to & that once a
person says they'll do something with you, they should do it, period.
In other words, unless there's a death in the family, a person's word
is their word, & they had damned well better follow through on it. I
told him I wouldn't call her & bitch her out like he wanted me to.
Instead I said I'd go to the concert alone if he'd just drop me off &
give me the Safelink phone we have from the government. For some
reason, that wasn't good enough, he said he wasn't taking me to
concerts anymore unless they were at the Shop, so I said I was buying
the car back & selling it out from under him, because he & I also had
a binding agreement that he was now trying to back out of. Needless to
say, rebecca jumped into it which was none of her business to do *& of
course, which I myself am guilty of having done before* & it only got
worse. She tried to tell me that my friend couldn't keep leaving me
stranded like this & that I needed to call her on it, whether I yelled
& screamed or did it quietly was my choice. She said neither of us
could back out of our agreement & that we'd better enjoy each other
while we had the chance to, because eventually I'd move out of the
house & Dad wouldn't have the opportunity to do this anymore, whether
he enjoys it or not having been put aside for the time being. So we
went to the show, I had a great time & I'll write about that later
where it belongs, in it's own post. Then today I'm checking & I've
still gotten no farther explanation from my friend. She stood me up
saying that 'something' had happened & then boom, went off the grid.
I'm actually used to this, because whenever something bad does happen,
it's her coping mechanism to retreat, but it still gets under my skin
because I allow it to as much as I try & stop it. Finally, I haven't
written this before, but Dot has been taken to Last Chance Rescue,
where I adopted Sadie from. I know they'll take great care of her, &
get her seizures under control, which is something I've been unable to
do, but the grief that I've tried to keep away from all day is
overwhelming & mindnumbing. While I'm glad that I don't have to bear
witness to her seizing anymore & am able to do nothing but quietly
hold & pet her, the agony of giving her up is searing my insides. I
nearly broke down at Petsmark where I dropped her off, but I didn't. I
nearly broke down in the car but I couldn't. So I got home & read
everything at svufiction, & it was like a slap in the face. I haven't
fully acknowledged the anniversary of my brother's death yet either,
nor all the feelings that come up from 9/11. I was one of those people
who just sat there & watched the whole thing for nearly 2 weeks until
things 'sort of' went back to normal. I was home recovering from my
last major surgery *they'd taken 2 ribs & put them into my face to
build up bone structure*, & I was the only one home while everyone
else was at school or work. I sat there all day bearly thinking about
food. I listened to all the songs & watched all the coverage, & my
parents never stopped me. They never dragged me away from the TV. We
didn't talk about it, about whether or not it was a mentally healthy
thing for me to be doing, just watching day after day. We never
discussed that. For me though, as much as it hurt, it was like I
couldn't pull away, I couldn't make myself watching. I'm not blaming
my parents, I was a responsible kid, 15, almost 16 & could have
stopped watching, but I didn't think it was right. I felt like I
should have been at Ground Zero helping out, & since I couldn't be
there, then I had to watch, to remember & never forget. & while I
didn't watch any specials yesterday & I was thrilled to be seeing
NONPOINT that night, it still burned me when they played "Frontlines"
& dedicated it to the soldiers, the victims & everyone who went
through it. I was never innocent, but it was a different type of 'loss
of innocence' that happened when the towers fell. I could practically
see myself there & feel the suffocation of it all. I thought about my
brother & the victims & it was all I could do not to cry as the song
blared & I sang along, forcing the words up & out of my throat more
then actually singing them. During the first SVUfic titled "Lost" the
author takes you through the agony of not knowing. Of wondering where
Olivia went & who took her & why she was taken. In the next part of
the fic "Mercy" we find out not necessarily why she was taken, but
how, & how her death came to be. It was an 'accident' in the words of
the perp. & it occured to me then, that in real life, if we allow
ourselves to, we can be sucked into that vortex of wondering. My
mother was sexually abused, I always say raped, because that's the
truth of it, sexually abused sounds to clinical & kind for my tastes,
& for as long as I can remember, I've wondered what her life would
have been like if she hadn't been raped, if her childhood hadn't been
taken from her. What would my life be like or any of the other lives
she touched throughout the years. My parents divorced when I was 19,
mom left when I was 18. What would our lives be like today if they
hadn't split. I've been in love with people who can't or won't
reciprocate my feelings. What would it be like if I weren't in love
with them, if one of them could reciprocate my feelings, if I weren't
so attached to them? So in it's own way, real life & Alternate
Universe life collide here, because both kinds of loss can & do occur
on a daily basis in real life. What would my brother's life have been
like if he'd been put on medication for his bipolar disorder & gotten
away from the drugs & alcohol. What would life be like if my paternal
Grandfather hadn't died 11 years before I was born. What would life be
like if my maternal grandfather hadn't abandoned my mother when she
was a kid. The what ifs are stark & stunning in their tragedy,
however, their only tragic if I dwell in them. I usually don't, & I
know I won't be here for long, but tonight I suppose I've felt like
dancing with the devil, trying to find answers, not to those questions
themselves, but to the universal question of now that I know what I
know, how do I move on? Where do I go from here? What's the next piece
in the puzzle that I need to find to get me to that next step, & the
next one & the next one?
I'm definitely not all cried out, but I do feel better writing this
all down & getting it all out in the open.
Now, it's just a matter of knowing where to go next. How do I get there?
Love,
Chelle
Dealing Constructively With Anger And Hurt
ORIGINALLY POSTED AT MY BLOG ON THE PINK POSSE ON OR NEAR
Thu, Sep 9, 2010 at 11:39 AM
Traditionally, I don't say the things I want to say. Traditionally, I
keep my mouth shut.
But not today. I have a call with Amy later on, Mamamorphosis, & I
don't want anything getting in the way, so I'm clearing the decks
first.
Holly, in case you come across this at some point, none of the things
I'm about to say are directed at you!
Dear Dad:
I wanted to take a bath. You were gone, so I figured what the heck? I
turned up the TV real loud, left my bedroom door wide open so I could
hear it, then headed into the bathroom. I shut the door, no rule
breaking there. I had it all planned out, & for the first 15 minutes
or so, it worked out great! Then you came home, walked in the door,
turned down the TV to ear-bleeding levels *ear-bleeding in the sense I
had to strain to hear it*!! This is our house, where we all live.
There's no way to dial down the kids, or mom, or you for that matter.
So why was my TV turned down? It was a minor inconvenience at worst, &
would have only lasted a half hour, maybe 45 minutes. I don't usually
take hour long bathes, otherwise I'd be the prune of all prunes! Lol.
I think it was pretty unfair, but the mood I'm in at the moment, I'd
rather yell at you then talk, which is why I'm writing instead. It's
much safer & allows me to get this off my chest without giving you an
over the top tongue lashing, that I know you don't deserve, especially
when a simple question would suffice.
Dear Friend:
I love you. I trust you. I pour my heart out to you because I love &
trust you. Nothing I said last night was light hearted, nor was it
meant to be taken lightheartedly. I may not be you, but that doesn't
make me 'crazy'. Only you can be you & only I can be me. We come
together based on some middle ground/something we have in common. Your
email response didn't make me angry, it just hurt. I guarantee you
didn't mean for it to, you aren't that kind of person & I write that
with conviction. However, it did hurt. It felt like sarcasm & fluff
was used to cover up what I said, what I felt & that hurts.
Yes, I am sensitive, I always have been & yes, there are more pressing
problems in the world then Dot's seizures or my brother's death, or
Shaun Morgan's relapse, but those issues are more pressing to other
people, not to me, because they aren't my issues. The issues I wrote
last night, are my issues, two of which I can deal with, one of which
is way over my head & out of my control.
Fires & floods & murders are horrible & you know, based on what you
know about me already, that those problems are viewed as awful in my
book. There's no denying that. But there's also no denying that they
aren't banging down my front door either. I know what pain is, I've
dealt with addiction & grief, & those are the issues foremost on my
mind at the moment. Maybe it was because you were at work & didn't
have enough time to respond. Maybe it was because you were feeling
stressed out yourself. Maybe it was just that you're tired of hearing
me ramble, or that the 'story' didn't change even though we haven't
talked in a few weeks. Whatever it was though, it still hurt & I want
you to know that.
Now that I've said this, I grant myself the grace to feel the anger &
hurt, then move on. & I grant you both the grace of letting it go. I'm
done, I'm not quite satisfied, but I'll get there.
Love,
Chelle
--
"It'll only take a few minutes. When does anything that's supposed to
take a few minutes only take a few minutes?"--Garfield - "The Garfield
Show" & he's right!
"Find me, feel me, fill me, then cut me up!!"--Shaun Morgan - Seether "Burrito"
"It's so cold out here tonight, I met a bear walking down the street &
even he was wearing pants!"--Elias Soriano Febuary 2009, joking about
Michigan's f-f-f-freezing weather!
Thu, Sep 9, 2010 at 11:39 AM
Traditionally, I don't say the things I want to say. Traditionally, I
keep my mouth shut.
But not today. I have a call with Amy later on, Mamamorphosis, & I
don't want anything getting in the way, so I'm clearing the decks
first.
Holly, in case you come across this at some point, none of the things
I'm about to say are directed at you!
Dear Dad:
I wanted to take a bath. You were gone, so I figured what the heck? I
turned up the TV real loud, left my bedroom door wide open so I could
hear it, then headed into the bathroom. I shut the door, no rule
breaking there. I had it all planned out, & for the first 15 minutes
or so, it worked out great! Then you came home, walked in the door,
turned down the TV to ear-bleeding levels *ear-bleeding in the sense I
had to strain to hear it*!! This is our house, where we all live.
There's no way to dial down the kids, or mom, or you for that matter.
So why was my TV turned down? It was a minor inconvenience at worst, &
would have only lasted a half hour, maybe 45 minutes. I don't usually
take hour long bathes, otherwise I'd be the prune of all prunes! Lol.
I think it was pretty unfair, but the mood I'm in at the moment, I'd
rather yell at you then talk, which is why I'm writing instead. It's
much safer & allows me to get this off my chest without giving you an
over the top tongue lashing, that I know you don't deserve, especially
when a simple question would suffice.
Dear Friend:
I love you. I trust you. I pour my heart out to you because I love &
trust you. Nothing I said last night was light hearted, nor was it
meant to be taken lightheartedly. I may not be you, but that doesn't
make me 'crazy'. Only you can be you & only I can be me. We come
together based on some middle ground/something we have in common. Your
email response didn't make me angry, it just hurt. I guarantee you
didn't mean for it to, you aren't that kind of person & I write that
with conviction. However, it did hurt. It felt like sarcasm & fluff
was used to cover up what I said, what I felt & that hurts.
Yes, I am sensitive, I always have been & yes, there are more pressing
problems in the world then Dot's seizures or my brother's death, or
Shaun Morgan's relapse, but those issues are more pressing to other
people, not to me, because they aren't my issues. The issues I wrote
last night, are my issues, two of which I can deal with, one of which
is way over my head & out of my control.
Fires & floods & murders are horrible & you know, based on what you
know about me already, that those problems are viewed as awful in my
book. There's no denying that. But there's also no denying that they
aren't banging down my front door either. I know what pain is, I've
dealt with addiction & grief, & those are the issues foremost on my
mind at the moment. Maybe it was because you were at work & didn't
have enough time to respond. Maybe it was because you were feeling
stressed out yourself. Maybe it was just that you're tired of hearing
me ramble, or that the 'story' didn't change even though we haven't
talked in a few weeks. Whatever it was though, it still hurt & I want
you to know that.
Now that I've said this, I grant myself the grace to feel the anger &
hurt, then move on. & I grant you both the grace of letting it go. I'm
done, I'm not quite satisfied, but I'll get there.
Love,
Chelle
--
"It'll only take a few minutes. When does anything that's supposed to
take a few minutes only take a few minutes?"--Garfield - "The Garfield
Show" & he's right!
"Find me, feel me, fill me, then cut me up!!"--Shaun Morgan - Seether "Burrito"
"It's so cold out here tonight, I met a bear walking down the street &
even he was wearing pants!"--Elias Soriano Febuary 2009, joking about
Michigan's f-f-f-freezing weather!
Water Bed Dream!
ORIGINALLY POSTED AT MY PINK POSSE BLOG ON OR NEAR
Sun, Sep 5, 2010 at 12:39 PM
NOTE: Dot is a Kitten my sister brought to me 2 years ago and I took
care of her for a few months before giving her to a rescue group.
Hello Pinkies,
I'm not sure that one has anything to do with the other, but Dot
started having seizures again last night. I took her to get shots last
Monday, & the vet said she'd need her next set of shots in 3 weeks.
She also said that giving her seizure meds this early could do more
harm then good. Of course, she had stopped having seizures at the time
anyway, so I thought things would be fine.
So last night she started having them again & had 4 that I know about,
between 11:40PM & 8:23AM.
So I didn't realize how much I was awake with her, but it must have
been alot, because I was exhausted this morning. Things seemed to have
calmed down & so I went to sleep.
At some point, I was with my best friend Holly. I didn't realize it at
the time, but the bed we were sleeping on must have been a waterbed.
Lol. The reason why I say that *& the part that makes my dream so
totally weird*, is that I kept having this need to go swimming,
repeatedly in the dream, & every time she & I went swimming, all we
did was pull the blankets & cover off the bed! Lol. So we went
swimming INSIDE the BED in other words! Even I've never had a dream
like that before! I finally woke up when we were getting ready for
bed. We'd been lazing around watching TV, & then all the channels
signed off for the night. Yes, this was an old TV & back in the day,
though since I remember sign offs, I'd guess it was in the early 90's
*& we didn't even know each other until 1996! Lol.
But anyway, we had gone swimming Lord only knows how many times,
watched TV etc, & then it was time for bed. I woke up because I was
mad at the TV. Holl was fine with it, but I was like:
"No! You know I can't sleep with nothing on friend!" Lol. & then I woke up.
So I'm wondering now if I was looking for something, searching in the
water in the bed *considering how many times we went swimming*! Not
that I can think of what it was, & I'm not the greatest dream
interpreter, but I read in one of Sylvia Brown's books the importance
of dreams, so now I'm trying to figure them out when I have weird,
indecipherable ones like this.
Thank you for sticking with me through this long read.
I know someone else just posted a dream post yesterday, I swear I
don't know how mine came on the heels of hers! Smile
Love,
Chelle
Sun, Sep 5, 2010 at 12:39 PM
NOTE: Dot is a Kitten my sister brought to me 2 years ago and I took
care of her for a few months before giving her to a rescue group.
Hello Pinkies,
I'm not sure that one has anything to do with the other, but Dot
started having seizures again last night. I took her to get shots last
Monday, & the vet said she'd need her next set of shots in 3 weeks.
She also said that giving her seizure meds this early could do more
harm then good. Of course, she had stopped having seizures at the time
anyway, so I thought things would be fine.
So last night she started having them again & had 4 that I know about,
between 11:40PM & 8:23AM.
So I didn't realize how much I was awake with her, but it must have
been alot, because I was exhausted this morning. Things seemed to have
calmed down & so I went to sleep.
At some point, I was with my best friend Holly. I didn't realize it at
the time, but the bed we were sleeping on must have been a waterbed.
Lol. The reason why I say that *& the part that makes my dream so
totally weird*, is that I kept having this need to go swimming,
repeatedly in the dream, & every time she & I went swimming, all we
did was pull the blankets & cover off the bed! Lol. So we went
swimming INSIDE the BED in other words! Even I've never had a dream
like that before! I finally woke up when we were getting ready for
bed. We'd been lazing around watching TV, & then all the channels
signed off for the night. Yes, this was an old TV & back in the day,
though since I remember sign offs, I'd guess it was in the early 90's
*& we didn't even know each other until 1996! Lol.
But anyway, we had gone swimming Lord only knows how many times,
watched TV etc, & then it was time for bed. I woke up because I was
mad at the TV. Holl was fine with it, but I was like:
"No! You know I can't sleep with nothing on friend!" Lol. & then I woke up.
So I'm wondering now if I was looking for something, searching in the
water in the bed *considering how many times we went swimming*! Not
that I can think of what it was, & I'm not the greatest dream
interpreter, but I read in one of Sylvia Brown's books the importance
of dreams, so now I'm trying to figure them out when I have weird,
indecipherable ones like this.
Thank you for sticking with me through this long read.
I know someone else just posted a dream post yesterday, I swear I
don't know how mine came on the heels of hers! Smile
Love,
Chelle
My Night With SHAUN
ORIGINALLY POSTED AT MY PINK POSSE BLOG ON OR NEAR
Sat, Sep 4, 2010 at 11:52 AM
NOTE: HAS BEEN ALTERED TO REFLECT CURRENT KNOWLEDGE.
Hello Pinkies!!!,
So I haven't posted many blogs, or done much of anything else at PP as
of late! Things have been crazy here, but the good thing is, it
culminated in a beautiful night Thursday!!!! Here, the letter I wrote
to a friend on just how well it went!!
Last night was AMAZING!!!! I mean, we're talking, a performance that
was out of the park, out of the stratosphere in fact!!!!!
I absolutely adored it!! SHAUN launched into the newest version of
"DRIVEN UNDER" that they've been playing for people & I nearly
fainted!! Lol. I asked Holly to put me back together if I went all
Jell-o-we! Lol.
I can't say enough good things about last night! I just stood there &
smiled the biggest smile I think I've ever smiled!!
They opened with "No Jesus Christ", then straight into "Needles"! Not
in order, but the set list also included: "Burrito, Driven Under, The
Gift, Fake It, Broken, Fine Again, Rise Above This, & ended with
Remedy". Shockingly, no covers that I can recall, & there was just one
more thing, but I don't know what it was, maybe the beginnings of a
new song just to tease us?
Having said that, I also have to say that the vibe was different. I've
always felt very
connected to SHAUN *& I don't mean my crush*, I do mean an actual
"soul connection" if you will. He seemed more sad then anything last
night. The angry songs were more sedate & the sad songs more sad then
usual. Unfortunately, I think he's fallen rather far off the "wagon"
as they say & is back drinking & doing lord knows what again. Usually
that didn't change the performances in the past, but this time it did.
He likes to change up the lyrics alot! During "FAKE IT" For example he sings:
"Fake it if your out of direction,
Fake it if you don't belong here,
Fake it if you feel like infection!"
But in a live setting he'll change one of those choruses to:
"Fake it if your out of direction,
Fake it if you don't belong here,
Fake it if you can't get an erection!"
Lol! But last night there was none of that. He was just really
subdued, he kept thanking us, but he didn't even swear as much as he
usually does! Lol. Not that he swears often, but he does occasionally,
& he kept it to a minimum last night. He was just quiet & sedate,
played low key, didn't draw attention to himself, said thank you over
& over again & only at the end did he really speak up, just telling us
he was glad to be back at the Machine Shop & hoped to come back again.
I really wish I could have seen him afterwards, but that wasn't in the
cards. I hope I can again sometime, I'd love to just be able to talk
to him. Maybe I'll send a letter through windup or their Myspace,
though Troy *their guitarist* will see it then, but maybe he'll still
get it to SHAUN.
Still though, what I said at the beginning remains. It was an amazing
night & I can't wait to do it all again!
NOTE: I spoke with the boys at the Shop a while after that
performance. They said yes in fact he did drink, ALOT! He got up on
the bar at one point and while dancing around called Kevin *Shop
Owner* a "bloody wanker!"
--
"Put the gun in my mouth. . .
& pull the trigger. . .
I feel so alive here!
Put the gun in my mouth. . .
It tastes so bitter. . .
I feel so alive here!!!"--Shaun Morgan "No Jesus Christ"
Love,
Chelle
Sat, Sep 4, 2010 at 11:52 AM
NOTE: HAS BEEN ALTERED TO REFLECT CURRENT KNOWLEDGE.
Hello Pinkies!!!,
So I haven't posted many blogs, or done much of anything else at PP as
of late! Things have been crazy here, but the good thing is, it
culminated in a beautiful night Thursday!!!! Here, the letter I wrote
to a friend on just how well it went!!
Last night was AMAZING!!!! I mean, we're talking, a performance that
was out of the park, out of the stratosphere in fact!!!!!
I absolutely adored it!! SHAUN launched into the newest version of
"DRIVEN UNDER" that they've been playing for people & I nearly
fainted!! Lol. I asked Holly to put me back together if I went all
Jell-o-we! Lol.
I can't say enough good things about last night! I just stood there &
smiled the biggest smile I think I've ever smiled!!
They opened with "No Jesus Christ", then straight into "Needles"! Not
in order, but the set list also included: "Burrito, Driven Under, The
Gift, Fake It, Broken, Fine Again, Rise Above This, & ended with
Remedy". Shockingly, no covers that I can recall, & there was just one
more thing, but I don't know what it was, maybe the beginnings of a
new song just to tease us?
Having said that, I also have to say that the vibe was different. I've
always felt very
connected to SHAUN *& I don't mean my crush*, I do mean an actual
"soul connection" if you will. He seemed more sad then anything last
night. The angry songs were more sedate & the sad songs more sad then
usual. Unfortunately, I think he's fallen rather far off the "wagon"
as they say & is back drinking & doing lord knows what again. Usually
that didn't change the performances in the past, but this time it did.
He likes to change up the lyrics alot! During "FAKE IT" For example he sings:
"Fake it if your out of direction,
Fake it if you don't belong here,
Fake it if you feel like infection!"
But in a live setting he'll change one of those choruses to:
"Fake it if your out of direction,
Fake it if you don't belong here,
Fake it if you can't get an erection!"
Lol! But last night there was none of that. He was just really
subdued, he kept thanking us, but he didn't even swear as much as he
usually does! Lol. Not that he swears often, but he does occasionally,
& he kept it to a minimum last night. He was just quiet & sedate,
played low key, didn't draw attention to himself, said thank you over
& over again & only at the end did he really speak up, just telling us
he was glad to be back at the Machine Shop & hoped to come back again.
I really wish I could have seen him afterwards, but that wasn't in the
cards. I hope I can again sometime, I'd love to just be able to talk
to him. Maybe I'll send a letter through windup or their Myspace,
though Troy *their guitarist* will see it then, but maybe he'll still
get it to SHAUN.
Still though, what I said at the beginning remains. It was an amazing
night & I can't wait to do it all again!
NOTE: I spoke with the boys at the Shop a while after that
performance. They said yes in fact he did drink, ALOT! He got up on
the bar at one point and while dancing around called Kevin *Shop
Owner* a "bloody wanker!"
--
"Put the gun in my mouth. . .
& pull the trigger. . .
I feel so alive here!
Put the gun in my mouth. . .
It tastes so bitter. . .
I feel so alive here!!!"--Shaun Morgan "No Jesus Christ"
Love,
Chelle
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