ORIGINALLY POSTED AT MY PINK POSSE BLOG ON OR NEAR
Fri, Jul 9, 2010 at 11:10 PM
I've finally begun to make new memories, after 5 years. Maybe it's
because my mother is leaving (a whole other blog post), maybe it's
opening a new chapter with my life in the form of having a coach soon,
maybe it's because I'm using my cane when we go out in public, maybe
it's all of the above, maybe it's none of the above.
At any rate, my whole day was good, but my night was the best.
We went to the store today & instead of "waiting to lose weight" I
found a dress I liked & spent $30, on myself. Dad said the dress would
look even better "once you lose this!" as he grabbed my stomach, & it
hurt, but only for a little while. I realized in that moment, as much
as I care about his opinion, I could take every word he said
literally, be hurt & crushed by them & not get the dress. Or, I could
just agree with him, & also say: "Well, I need to lose it, but for
this moment, I like this dress, I like the way it fits & feels, & I'm
going to buy it. I'm not going to wait until I 'Lose this'."
Mom liked the way it looked on me & so did Cymmy & Bella.
Afterward we went to Little Cesars for lunch & Mom & I were talking
about his reaction in the bathroom. She said 'You know what his
problem is. He wants everybody to be like him & you aren't. You like
what you like & you bought it because you really liked it. It looks
good on you. We just had this discussion about what I would wear to
the wedding tomorrow night.'
That's why we were at Fashion Bug to begin with, for her. Dad doesn't
like certain colors on her & even though she's only 6 years older then
me, she's very old-fashioned in her beliefs. The man should make the
decisions, the woman should follow his lead 'most of the time'. I, AM.
COMPLETELY. DIFFERENT! Lol. & really, he raised me that way himself.
He always taught me not to take crap, from anybody. Males included. I
do what I want, when I want, how I want & if he doesn't like it, then
I don't need him in my life. We can do things together, do things
separate & still be in love. So it's funny to me that he married
someone like her. I guess now he's getting a taste of what mom went
through with him. She put him through hell, but he used to be the one
who didn't like to make decisions, who didn't want to take us girls
anywhere if she wouldn't go with us. & now, that's how Mom is.
Anyway, we had lunch, took her to work, then went to the mall. Man,
malls are bad!! Bad, bad, bad! Lol. I bought a nightgown & tanktop
with a built in bra, both things I NEEDED. However, then we ended up
at Bath & Beyond!! A couple of years ago we were in there. I found
this perfume I liked, but I wouldn't buy it for myself because it was
to expensive & I wasn't worth that.
It was $22!! He said he would buy it but I said no. So he said 'I'll
pay half then. Pick it up & take it to the counter, you're getting
it!' Lol. So I took it to the counter & got it.
Ever since then, I don't go in there often, but when I do I almost
always walk out with something! Lol. On the upside, I don't use the
lotion everyday. In fact, I've got 8-10 bottles sitting here now,
because I use them sparingly. & the two perfumes I got, one of which
is the one Dad helped me buy, are still here. I wear the one he helped
me buy whenever I go see E cuz he loves it! Lol.
I keep digressing though. So I walked out of the mall having spent
close to $50 & with Fashion Bug added in about $70.
I had actually managed to save some money from last month miracle of
miracles! Otherwise, I wouldn't have done it. I wouldn't have been
able to. & instead of dwelling on how much I spent or Dad's comment
about my weight, or the pizza I ate that I didn't need, I was just
happy!
Then we came home & this evening at about 9 after Mom got home from
work, we finally went outside & did our fireworks! It was to hot all
week to do them. We've had the air on since Monday & yesterday it got
up to 103. Go figure that it was 93 in San Antonio! How different is
that??? Lol.
Just Cymmy, Bella & I were out there, but it felt different. As I
said, finally making new memories. I'll never like this house. I'll
never be "thrilled" to live here, but being out there with them was
fun, even after I got eaten by mosquitoes!
We did our poppers that you throw on the cement & they pop. We pulled
the strings & shot confetti at each other from some other type of
firework (can't remember what their called), the girls broke apart
another one & rolled it under their feet till it cracked & showed up
like the fireworks displays do. & finally we had the little ones that
they have a string coming out of each end & you pull them & they snap.
Usually their in bed by 9, so they were already up past their bedtime,
but when we got done it was to nice to go inside, so we ran into the
backyard & they caught fireflies. I couldn't catch any, but they kept
giving the ones they caught to me & then I attracted even more for
whatever reason! Lol. They were on my skin & in my hair. It reminded
me of the butterfly exhibit I went to in school once.
My Braille teacher used to call me 'Madame Butterfly' & when we went
there, these butterflies just started landing on me! On my hands, my
arms, on my shirt & in my hair. At that moment I wished I could fly
away with them! Lol.
We played London Bridge is Falling Down, I'd never played that game
before. I've played Red Rover, Duck Duck Goose, Ring Around the
Rosies, & rock paper scissors on occasion, but never that one. So I
learned a new game. They kept doing handstands & yelling at each
other:
"Count!" "Hold my feet!"
Cymmy actually fell & smacked her head on my arm. I was standing to
close to them apparently. They both started laughing & I said 'I think
you broke something vital!'
Lol. Things will never be 'what they were', but maybe they can be
better, then what they were, or might have been.
Optimistically yours,
Chelle
Showing posts with label and. Show all posts
Showing posts with label and. Show all posts
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Sadie's Story
ORIGINAL EMAIL SENT ON OR NEAR
Sun, Jul 4, 2010 at 1:53 AM
Friendis!!
I have so much to tell you, hopefully we can talk soon.
I'd rather talk then type, blah! Lol.
Anyway, here something to read when you get home.
I found this website through PP (Pink Posse), & decided to share how I
was finding my joy.
Enjoy!
Dear Kim:
This is very long, so please bear with me.
Finding My Joy Through Grief
On January 23rd 2009, at 4:45PM, I lost my Doggie Daughter Gracie. She
was my first CockerSpaniel and she was with me through every trial and
tribulation from Friday April 11th 2003 until that agonizing, bitter
afternoon when she died of a heart problem.
I stumbled around for three weeks trying to make sense of it. I new
she was an old dog, but still! In my mind she never got older then 5.
That's how old she was the day my parents brought her home from the
shelter.
I couldn't bear not finding her on the couch or not tripping over her
at night when I got up to go to the restroom. She would lay in front
of my bedroom door at night as if she were guarding me.
It was so bad that night as I bathed and brushed her for the last
time, all I could think about was crawling into the ground with her.
My best friend Holly actually stood there holding onto me after I'd
placed her in the ground as if she new my thoughts. I would go outside
at night and lay atop her grave in the snow and weep for her bitterly.
I told my friend I had to get another dog, another CockerSpaniel. That
was the only solution.
On Sunday Febuary 15th, my Father and I pulled up to a rescue mission
an hour and a half away from home.
We went in to see the CockerSpaniel the woman had said we could look at.
She was the only Cocker the woman had and was terrified of everything.
"She's from a puppy mill." the woman said off handedly as if it was no big deal.
Once the woman found out I was blind that only complicated matters.
"She runs from everyone. You won't be able to catch her. It won't work."
She and my Dad carried on a conversation while I sat with this
nameless beautiful baby girl. I had to sit in the corner with her
because she wouldn't come to me.
She lay very still on her stomach, head on paws, nothing even letting
me know she was alive but her panting. I sat with her for 2 hours and
still not one movement.
The woman was still not sure but I said:
"Call our vet, check our references! I want to take care of her! I
know what it's like to have society not believe in you, I can take
care of this dog!"
She finally agreed on a "trial" basis. I had to agree to call her and
let her know how the dog was doing to.
I settled on Sadie as her former name was Socks and Sadie was closely
related to Gradie, which my Dad called Gracie often.
On the drive home she licked my hand. I new we were set! We had to be!
At home though, she wouldn't eat for 3 days. She seemed to hate my
sister's dog Duke, even though he was just a big furball trying to get
acquainted with her.
She never showed signs of agression, just acted like a puppet on a string.
Everywhere I went, she went in my arms. Where ever I sat her, she
stayed until I was ready to take her somewhere else.
She was afraid of the children, shaky about being on a leash, confused
on the grass outside and the carpet inside. She wouldn't even look at
you if you called her name.
She hid in my room whenever I'd let her get away with it and would try
to escape the few times we let her off the leash.
She ate wet puppy food for the first month.
Fast forward to today, Independence Day 2010.
She still doesn't really know how to play with other dogs and isn't
sure of the kids. She runs away if she comes into the livingroom and
discovers that you've seen her make her grand entrance!
She still isn't even sure about toys and doesn't play fetch, but when
I ask her who the baby is she crawls to me on her belly. When she
sleeps her head lays on her front paws and her back paws stretch out
behind her, feet pointing out sideways! She loves to be outside and
runs around crazily in the grass.
She's a chocolate colored CockerSpaniel, which is very rare, so Dad
says in the winter when the snow is piled high she looks like a little
white calf running through it.
And just this evening I heard her chewing on something so I rushed
over to investigate! She had dragged Duke's chew toy into my room and
claimed it as her own! I couldn't have been more ecstatic!
Out of my anguish over losing Gracie came something absolutely beautiful.
I believe Gracie sent Sadie to me not just for her sake, but for mine.
Through Sadie, I'm slowly learning to push my own boundaries and
expand my own horizons.
Not only am I blind, but I was also born with an extremely rare birth
defect called a Tessier Cleft. Since I was 9 years old I've been
hiding myself, isolating myself from the world in my bedroom.
After I graduated public schools in December 2003 (graduated 6 months
ahead of my class), after my mom left my Dad in March of 2004, I had
only put up more walls, more defenses.
I believe Gracie sent Sadie to me knowing that through helping Sadie
find her joy, her Perfect Doggieness, I would also start trying to
find my joy, my Perfect Humannity.
And she was right.
Thank you Gracie!
Sun, Jul 4, 2010 at 1:53 AM
Friendis!!
I have so much to tell you, hopefully we can talk soon.
I'd rather talk then type, blah! Lol.
Anyway, here something to read when you get home.
I found this website through PP (Pink Posse), & decided to share how I
was finding my joy.
Enjoy!
Dear Kim:
This is very long, so please bear with me.
Finding My Joy Through Grief
On January 23rd 2009, at 4:45PM, I lost my Doggie Daughter Gracie. She
was my first CockerSpaniel and she was with me through every trial and
tribulation from Friday April 11th 2003 until that agonizing, bitter
afternoon when she died of a heart problem.
I stumbled around for three weeks trying to make sense of it. I new
she was an old dog, but still! In my mind she never got older then 5.
That's how old she was the day my parents brought her home from the
shelter.
I couldn't bear not finding her on the couch or not tripping over her
at night when I got up to go to the restroom. She would lay in front
of my bedroom door at night as if she were guarding me.
It was so bad that night as I bathed and brushed her for the last
time, all I could think about was crawling into the ground with her.
My best friend Holly actually stood there holding onto me after I'd
placed her in the ground as if she new my thoughts. I would go outside
at night and lay atop her grave in the snow and weep for her bitterly.
I told my friend I had to get another dog, another CockerSpaniel. That
was the only solution.
On Sunday Febuary 15th, my Father and I pulled up to a rescue mission
an hour and a half away from home.
We went in to see the CockerSpaniel the woman had said we could look at.
She was the only Cocker the woman had and was terrified of everything.
"She's from a puppy mill." the woman said off handedly as if it was no big deal.
Once the woman found out I was blind that only complicated matters.
"She runs from everyone. You won't be able to catch her. It won't work."
She and my Dad carried on a conversation while I sat with this
nameless beautiful baby girl. I had to sit in the corner with her
because she wouldn't come to me.
She lay very still on her stomach, head on paws, nothing even letting
me know she was alive but her panting. I sat with her for 2 hours and
still not one movement.
The woman was still not sure but I said:
"Call our vet, check our references! I want to take care of her! I
know what it's like to have society not believe in you, I can take
care of this dog!"
She finally agreed on a "trial" basis. I had to agree to call her and
let her know how the dog was doing to.
I settled on Sadie as her former name was Socks and Sadie was closely
related to Gradie, which my Dad called Gracie often.
On the drive home she licked my hand. I new we were set! We had to be!
At home though, she wouldn't eat for 3 days. She seemed to hate my
sister's dog Duke, even though he was just a big furball trying to get
acquainted with her.
She never showed signs of agression, just acted like a puppet on a string.
Everywhere I went, she went in my arms. Where ever I sat her, she
stayed until I was ready to take her somewhere else.
She was afraid of the children, shaky about being on a leash, confused
on the grass outside and the carpet inside. She wouldn't even look at
you if you called her name.
She hid in my room whenever I'd let her get away with it and would try
to escape the few times we let her off the leash.
She ate wet puppy food for the first month.
Fast forward to today, Independence Day 2010.
She still doesn't really know how to play with other dogs and isn't
sure of the kids. She runs away if she comes into the livingroom and
discovers that you've seen her make her grand entrance!
She still isn't even sure about toys and doesn't play fetch, but when
I ask her who the baby is she crawls to me on her belly. When she
sleeps her head lays on her front paws and her back paws stretch out
behind her, feet pointing out sideways! She loves to be outside and
runs around crazily in the grass.
She's a chocolate colored CockerSpaniel, which is very rare, so Dad
says in the winter when the snow is piled high she looks like a little
white calf running through it.
And just this evening I heard her chewing on something so I rushed
over to investigate! She had dragged Duke's chew toy into my room and
claimed it as her own! I couldn't have been more ecstatic!
Out of my anguish over losing Gracie came something absolutely beautiful.
I believe Gracie sent Sadie to me not just for her sake, but for mine.
Through Sadie, I'm slowly learning to push my own boundaries and
expand my own horizons.
Not only am I blind, but I was also born with an extremely rare birth
defect called a Tessier Cleft. Since I was 9 years old I've been
hiding myself, isolating myself from the world in my bedroom.
After I graduated public schools in December 2003 (graduated 6 months
ahead of my class), after my mom left my Dad in March of 2004, I had
only put up more walls, more defenses.
I believe Gracie sent Sadie to me knowing that through helping Sadie
find her joy, her Perfect Doggieness, I would also start trying to
find my joy, my Perfect Humannity.
And she was right.
Thank you Gracie!
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Morning Pages 2, Law and Order, LOCI, "reality" TV
ORIGINALLY POSTED ON MY PINK POSSE BLOG ON OR NEAR
Sun, May 16, 2010 at 2:35 AM
Once again, I start off with a blank, but only for a second. Lol. How
is that I can think I have nothing to write about, then boom!
something just pops into my head?? Ah well, go figure.
Anyway, I've been at my friend Holly's. Got there yesterday morning at
9AM, stayed until about 10PM tonight. I love going over there!! It's
so rejuvenating & soul satisfying! It's like a breath of spring, or a
horse ride to nowhere or a play date in the ocean. We may not always
be doing something, but the break from life itself is nice. It's like
we live life, but we're together, so it's not life, it's something
more then life. Life is for me, boring. Tedious. Something to wait for
instead of create. Wait for a ride, wait for a concert to come along,
wait for someone to take me seriously, wait to have more money, wait
to have more freedom. But when I'm with Holly, I'm not waiting for
anything except the exciting stuff. IE, concerts! But the boring
stuff, the tedious stuff just falls away. My only regret is that we
don't have more time to spend, or alternately, that I don't have other
friends I can/would want, to go stay with. I have people I know, or
online friends who I don't know, & online friends who I trust, or who
make me wonder sometimes, but not other friends that I can go stay
with for a few days or a week. We played games & hung out, she cooked
& I was the DJ. She also helped me copy a couple of posts to the
computer, so I'll be uploading those here when she emails them to me.
We talked & tortured kitties (Carmel & Bell), & went swimming
yesterday morning!! I love to swim!
Now I'm home & my doggie daughter Sadie was exstatic. She does this
thing, whenever I sing she howls! Lol. I don't always sing loudly
either, so I don't subscribe to other's theories that I'm hurting her
ears. She doesn't hide or run, she just howls along! I'd love to catch
her in the act so I could share! Lol. She's absolutely adorable!! So
perfect & well behaved &. . . yes, I know, every mother says this. . .
Lol. But she really is. Hardly ever makes a mess or anything like
that. She prances around & crawls to me on her belly, her front paws
out front & back paws lagging behind! She gives doggie kisses & even
has a soft mouth even though she doesn't have to. She likes to mouthe
me playfully, she never bites down. She came from a rescue mission,
was in a puppy mill before that & nobody wanted her. She'd been up on
the pet finder website for a month already. The day we got her she
just laid there. I sat there for an hour & a half petting her
incessantly while trying & succeeding in convincing her foster owner
that I was the owner for her. She actually owns me, but that's another
story. The woman hesitated to let a blind. girl. have her, but I
pushed & pushed fiercely! Sadie didn't lift her head & didn't move
from her corner, but I new I could be hers. When the lady finally gave
in I carefully slipped my hands under her & lifted her to my shoulder.
She shook all over & couldn't decide whether to run or not. She
finally gave up as we were leaving. To many scarry things going on
around us for her to want to run I guess. On the way home she picked
up her head & licked my hand. There was no going back after that!
She's mine forever!
I've been following Lissa's Radical Care program for the last 3 days.
Not perfectly, but I'm proud of the changes I have made. I also went
off & tried something new without waiting for someone to give me
permission for once! I tried the honey & cinamon mixture for cough
last night at Holly's. Oh how I haaaaate the taste! It makes me feel
nauseous! However, I think it's working, because I've gone from a
rattling, hacking, cough that pressures your body almost to the point
of exploding, down to a moderate cough. So I'm happy!
I lotioned myself up after my shower/bath Thursday, Friday & tonight.
It's actually pretty cool! I smell nice when I get out of the shower,
who doesn't? But not this nice. & tonight I took it a step farther.
I'm writing this completely naked except for a pair of underwear
tonight! That's a big step for me, because I don't like my scars & I
don't like my fat & I don't like having excessive body hair. . . & you
get the idea. So the fact that I'm almost naked & it's not 100 degrees
outside & I'm under the sheet naked is a big step. That's the only
time I'd have been naked in the past.
I haven't picked at or pulled on my nails in over a week!! Woohoo!!
It's hard to break habits, but it gives me hope that if I can break
something small like that, & I can stick to other small things, taking
a bath instead of showering & rrushing out, trying a different cold
remedy, then I can tackle bigger things like fear & anger & my diet!
I read in a discussion group that NBC is axing L&O! I can't believe
that!! I mean, I didn't watch every week, but I watched almost every
week, even if it was just reruns on TNT! First LOCI gets moved to USA
Network, then Katie & Vince leave (two of the greatest detectives ever
I might ad!!!), then LO SVU almost gets the ax/Chris & Marish might be
leaving (they aren't), Then there was talk of IceT leaving, he didn't,
& now this!!! L&O may not have the greatest ratings in the world, but
it was/is a great show & would have continued to be!
I'm sorry, but I am not a reality fan. So I ask you, what exactly will
NBC be putting in it's place? Another "reality" show? I've lived
reality. You girls have lived "reality". So why are they shoving
garbage down our throats???? MTV used to be a great network. They had
"MUSIC" IMAGINE THAT!!! "MUSIC"!! & yes, Daria! That was a great show!
But now they have road rules & real world. Hip-hop & pop all morning,
& rock videos on MTV2 from 3-4AM!! Pardon me, but what the hell is
that??????? Your a music network for God's sake!!!!
& so now what for NBC? Real Wife? The 3some express? Poligamy pride,
kind of like Big Cat diary on animal planet?? Actually, that's a bad
comparison, because I love Big Cat Diary. But you get my point.
Why not have a reality tv network, heck, two of them, or 4! There's at
least that many news & religious channels on cable. So why not do
that, then take TV back to TV! The Sunday or Monday night movies,
comedy shows that are actually funny (Golden Girls, Empty Nest, The
Cosby Show, Step by Step, Family Matters, etc). Dramas, & "real"
reality. Medical miracles, environmental stories, educational info for
the kiddies. Tell us how to get involved with our neighborhood watch,
or how to help someone else in need. & how about some good news
stories! A dog being rescued from an abusive owner, a little kid
raising money for a cause, etc. Sure, we hear these stories, but
exactly how many times do we hear them? Once a week? That doesn't make
up for the butt load of crap we get hurled at us every second of every
day!
I suppose I'm off topic now, but the axing of L&O is just the
beginning, or not even a beginning, but a worsening of tv! I loved
90's tv! I loved some 80's & 70's tv! I realize the world is changing
& blah blah blah. But why can't it change for the better?
Tell me, when exactly did kim cardi whatever have to worry about
someone in her family starving to death? Or dying of an incurable
disease, or watching someone she loved go through a real crisis, like
having to undergo a myriad of operations or ending up in the ER with a
life threatening illness? All these Hollywood Hos, what exactly did
they do to get famous? Lip synch their way into infamy? When Milli
Vanilli did that, they lost street cred!!! paris hiltons sex tape? Is
that something worth being famous for??? What exactly are girls & even
women learning from this? If I shake my ass & show off my breasts or
whore around with as many men as possible, I TO, can be famous!!!!!
We should be famous for the right reasons, not the wrong ones. I'm not
bad mouthing them because I'm not famous. Personally, I've seen what
happens to people who are, Kurt Cobain, Janis Joplin, Layne Staley,
Jim Morrison & I'm not sure that I'd want it if it were offered
tomorrow. But seriously!! Everyone needs to get lives, that don't
involve promoting these brainless nymphos to promanence. Give it to
the real working class, who've actually earned it!
Anyway, I really went off about that. Lol.
Case closed, L&O A)+++++, network TV, FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!
5 more days until I see SEETHER, woohoo!!!!!!!!!! I caaaaaan't
waaaaait!!!!! I'm over the moon already!!!
Heading to bed, maybe my thoughts will be quieter now,
Michelle
Sun, May 16, 2010 at 2:35 AM
Once again, I start off with a blank, but only for a second. Lol. How
is that I can think I have nothing to write about, then boom!
something just pops into my head?? Ah well, go figure.
Anyway, I've been at my friend Holly's. Got there yesterday morning at
9AM, stayed until about 10PM tonight. I love going over there!! It's
so rejuvenating & soul satisfying! It's like a breath of spring, or a
horse ride to nowhere or a play date in the ocean. We may not always
be doing something, but the break from life itself is nice. It's like
we live life, but we're together, so it's not life, it's something
more then life. Life is for me, boring. Tedious. Something to wait for
instead of create. Wait for a ride, wait for a concert to come along,
wait for someone to take me seriously, wait to have more money, wait
to have more freedom. But when I'm with Holly, I'm not waiting for
anything except the exciting stuff. IE, concerts! But the boring
stuff, the tedious stuff just falls away. My only regret is that we
don't have more time to spend, or alternately, that I don't have other
friends I can/would want, to go stay with. I have people I know, or
online friends who I don't know, & online friends who I trust, or who
make me wonder sometimes, but not other friends that I can go stay
with for a few days or a week. We played games & hung out, she cooked
& I was the DJ. She also helped me copy a couple of posts to the
computer, so I'll be uploading those here when she emails them to me.
We talked & tortured kitties (Carmel & Bell), & went swimming
yesterday morning!! I love to swim!
Now I'm home & my doggie daughter Sadie was exstatic. She does this
thing, whenever I sing she howls! Lol. I don't always sing loudly
either, so I don't subscribe to other's theories that I'm hurting her
ears. She doesn't hide or run, she just howls along! I'd love to catch
her in the act so I could share! Lol. She's absolutely adorable!! So
perfect & well behaved &. . . yes, I know, every mother says this. . .
Lol. But she really is. Hardly ever makes a mess or anything like
that. She prances around & crawls to me on her belly, her front paws
out front & back paws lagging behind! She gives doggie kisses & even
has a soft mouth even though she doesn't have to. She likes to mouthe
me playfully, she never bites down. She came from a rescue mission,
was in a puppy mill before that & nobody wanted her. She'd been up on
the pet finder website for a month already. The day we got her she
just laid there. I sat there for an hour & a half petting her
incessantly while trying & succeeding in convincing her foster owner
that I was the owner for her. She actually owns me, but that's another
story. The woman hesitated to let a blind. girl. have her, but I
pushed & pushed fiercely! Sadie didn't lift her head & didn't move
from her corner, but I new I could be hers. When the lady finally gave
in I carefully slipped my hands under her & lifted her to my shoulder.
She shook all over & couldn't decide whether to run or not. She
finally gave up as we were leaving. To many scarry things going on
around us for her to want to run I guess. On the way home she picked
up her head & licked my hand. There was no going back after that!
She's mine forever!
I've been following Lissa's Radical Care program for the last 3 days.
Not perfectly, but I'm proud of the changes I have made. I also went
off & tried something new without waiting for someone to give me
permission for once! I tried the honey & cinamon mixture for cough
last night at Holly's. Oh how I haaaaate the taste! It makes me feel
nauseous! However, I think it's working, because I've gone from a
rattling, hacking, cough that pressures your body almost to the point
of exploding, down to a moderate cough. So I'm happy!
I lotioned myself up after my shower/bath Thursday, Friday & tonight.
It's actually pretty cool! I smell nice when I get out of the shower,
who doesn't? But not this nice. & tonight I took it a step farther.
I'm writing this completely naked except for a pair of underwear
tonight! That's a big step for me, because I don't like my scars & I
don't like my fat & I don't like having excessive body hair. . . & you
get the idea. So the fact that I'm almost naked & it's not 100 degrees
outside & I'm under the sheet naked is a big step. That's the only
time I'd have been naked in the past.
I haven't picked at or pulled on my nails in over a week!! Woohoo!!
It's hard to break habits, but it gives me hope that if I can break
something small like that, & I can stick to other small things, taking
a bath instead of showering & rrushing out, trying a different cold
remedy, then I can tackle bigger things like fear & anger & my diet!
I read in a discussion group that NBC is axing L&O! I can't believe
that!! I mean, I didn't watch every week, but I watched almost every
week, even if it was just reruns on TNT! First LOCI gets moved to USA
Network, then Katie & Vince leave (two of the greatest detectives ever
I might ad!!!), then LO SVU almost gets the ax/Chris & Marish might be
leaving (they aren't), Then there was talk of IceT leaving, he didn't,
& now this!!! L&O may not have the greatest ratings in the world, but
it was/is a great show & would have continued to be!
I'm sorry, but I am not a reality fan. So I ask you, what exactly will
NBC be putting in it's place? Another "reality" show? I've lived
reality. You girls have lived "reality". So why are they shoving
garbage down our throats???? MTV used to be a great network. They had
"MUSIC" IMAGINE THAT!!! "MUSIC"!! & yes, Daria! That was a great show!
But now they have road rules & real world. Hip-hop & pop all morning,
& rock videos on MTV2 from 3-4AM!! Pardon me, but what the hell is
that??????? Your a music network for God's sake!!!!
& so now what for NBC? Real Wife? The 3some express? Poligamy pride,
kind of like Big Cat diary on animal planet?? Actually, that's a bad
comparison, because I love Big Cat Diary. But you get my point.
Why not have a reality tv network, heck, two of them, or 4! There's at
least that many news & religious channels on cable. So why not do
that, then take TV back to TV! The Sunday or Monday night movies,
comedy shows that are actually funny (Golden Girls, Empty Nest, The
Cosby Show, Step by Step, Family Matters, etc). Dramas, & "real"
reality. Medical miracles, environmental stories, educational info for
the kiddies. Tell us how to get involved with our neighborhood watch,
or how to help someone else in need. & how about some good news
stories! A dog being rescued from an abusive owner, a little kid
raising money for a cause, etc. Sure, we hear these stories, but
exactly how many times do we hear them? Once a week? That doesn't make
up for the butt load of crap we get hurled at us every second of every
day!
I suppose I'm off topic now, but the axing of L&O is just the
beginning, or not even a beginning, but a worsening of tv! I loved
90's tv! I loved some 80's & 70's tv! I realize the world is changing
& blah blah blah. But why can't it change for the better?
Tell me, when exactly did kim cardi whatever have to worry about
someone in her family starving to death? Or dying of an incurable
disease, or watching someone she loved go through a real crisis, like
having to undergo a myriad of operations or ending up in the ER with a
life threatening illness? All these Hollywood Hos, what exactly did
they do to get famous? Lip synch their way into infamy? When Milli
Vanilli did that, they lost street cred!!! paris hiltons sex tape? Is
that something worth being famous for??? What exactly are girls & even
women learning from this? If I shake my ass & show off my breasts or
whore around with as many men as possible, I TO, can be famous!!!!!
We should be famous for the right reasons, not the wrong ones. I'm not
bad mouthing them because I'm not famous. Personally, I've seen what
happens to people who are, Kurt Cobain, Janis Joplin, Layne Staley,
Jim Morrison & I'm not sure that I'd want it if it were offered
tomorrow. But seriously!! Everyone needs to get lives, that don't
involve promoting these brainless nymphos to promanence. Give it to
the real working class, who've actually earned it!
Anyway, I really went off about that. Lol.
Case closed, L&O A)+++++, network TV, FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!
5 more days until I see SEETHER, woohoo!!!!!!!!!! I caaaaaan't
waaaaait!!!!! I'm over the moon already!!!
Heading to bed, maybe my thoughts will be quieter now,
Michelle
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Week 1: Lesson 6, Imagining My Lover
I went into this late night meditation with a perfect memory of what
my Desire was. . .
I managed to sit on the floor for a full 10 seconds or so before my
mind kicked in and I wasn't thinking about my soulmate.
I started thinking about my ear infection and whether it was
completely gone, that it was interesting that my doc put me on
steroids to 'dry me out' *I have fluid behind my eardrum so kept
hearing a whooshing sound in my ear* since I'd never heard of anyone
being put on steroids before for an ear infection. I'd already done a
course of antibiotics.
Anyway then I started thinking about this commercial break
80scommercialvault posted on youtube.com quite a while back.
The ad break is from MTV back in the 90's, and one of the commercials
is a public service announcement about drinking and driving. "Old
Ainsign" is playing, the car crashes and the narrator says: "Don't
play with death. . . don't drink and drive!"
Sidenote here, I'm fully blind, no light perception even, and have
been terrified of public service announcements since I was a little
girl. I mean terrified to the point of waking my mom or Dad up at 3AM
in a panic or refusing to get out of the bathtub until a scary psa got
over. In our old house the bathroom was just off the livingroom so I
could hear it from the tub.
I managed to push through the fear and even tried to hear my voice
saying: "I'd like to tell you a secret. . ." in line with imagining
telling my soulmate a secret about myself, thinking if I could imagine
myself saying the words I could pull myself back on track. No dice.
Then I started thinking about how hard my floor is, how I ought to
vacuum it soon, how my hands and feet are cold. . . their always cold
in this house! Dad keeps temps at around 70, and with our house being
so big the heat whether from the fireplace or the furnace doesn't warm
the entire house so the bedrooms are almost ALWAYS cold in the winter.
So cold that we all sleep with several blankets sheets and comforters
on our beds. I currently have flannel sheets and two comforters.
Then about my posture, I'm not sitting up FULLY straight. . . I moved
my arms from my sides to resting on my knees. I called it off after
that.
I'm thinking maybe if I go back to doing 'Morning Pages' from Julia
Cameron's "The Artists Way" maybe that'll help.
Interestingly enough, when I spoke to one of our members a couple
weeks ago though, I was doing much better then and I hadn't meditated.
She just told me about the assignment itself and I said something to
the effect of:
"I imagine I'd feel giddy! Ecstasy would run through me! Elation! I'd
Desire to stay with that person and not leave their side *I would of
course*, but the feelings of excitement and joy would be such that I
would Desire heartily to stay in their presence because I'd feel so
'up!!' when I was around them I wouldn't Desire the 'come down effect'
that happens."
For example: when I'm going to a concert I get excited!! I mean I wake
up after only 4 or 5 hours of sleep thinking I NEED to sleep longer
but can't because I'm so excited about what the night holds. I spend
all day waiting waiting waiting! The closer it gets the more euphoric
I get and by the time we're climbing out of my Dad's car and walking
towards the building I've got butterflies whooping in my stomach! I
hear the music pounding and people talking cluttered near the open
door and smell the cigarette smoke from the designated smoking area
outside and feel like sprinting past everyone into the building! When
we get in the first door and I'm standing with my ID out waiting to
have it checked and get a wristband put on it's almost too much for me
to bear! It's like my brain is on overload and almost shuts down as a
coping mechanism. It's almost too much. When we get our IDS' checked
and wristbands on and head inside I smell smoke and alcohol and hear
tons of hooting and hollering, some people are already drunk and
though I'm not a huge fan of being around drunk people the euphoria of
knowing I'll meet the band after they play outweighs any feeling of
discomfort or nervousness the drunk people would normally evoke in me.
Then there's being in the mosh pit itself, the feel of bodies on
bodies, but not slamming or crowd surfing. . . rather the people that
tend to cluster around me are more LIKE me so our bodies rub together
and bounce up and down and sway side to side together. It's like we're
moving as one person, one body, of one mind and one feeling! All is
forgotten, whether it's an aching ankle or the need for a bathroom,
whatever it is, I forget it. After the show is over I hit another even
higher state of euphoria waiting for the band to come out. I RUN to
the bathroom and pray the whole time that the line won't be too large
by the time I get there. While I needed the restroom, it's also
keeping me away from my true Desire, too be near the band, hug them,
shake their hands, thank them. In the case of a lead singer it's
keeping me from sharing more than just a 'hi' with them, keeping me
from connecting on a wildly deep level with them, hearing their voice,
touching and being touched by them *whether it be physically or
emotionally and it's almost always both*.
After the meet and greet as we're leaving, there's a part of me that
longs to do it all over again, too stay longer spend more time, get
closer. . .
So I write all this to say I imagine that is what being with my
soulmate would be like. Only, since I'd be with them forever, the ebb
and flow would be different. There would be concert highs brawn out
for weeks followed by a plateau for weeks or months followed by
another great high.
The plateau happens in the concert when a band comes out that I'm not
interested in. And as I said, when we're leaving part of me is longing
for it to never end. Another part of me goes into review mode and I
usually can't come home and go straight to sleep. I have to eat, to
relax to evaluate everything the singer said and everything I said.
As for that blasted psa, I know it had nothing to do with the
meditation at hand. . . however, if I felt like analyzing, and I do, I
analyze EVERYTHING, I'd say it represents my fear of intimacy, of
closeness, of dropping my guard to ANYONE who doesn't already know me.
The trick about me is: I can tell you anything and I mean ANYTHING.
Whether we're online or offline, I can tell you anything! But the next
time you call me I might not call back. The next time you write me, I
might not write back. So I run before you can run from me. I appear as
an open book and will tell anyone anything, but where as you might
think: "She really trusts me. I feel honored." I might be thinking:
"Ok, said too much, time to make a break for it!"
This doesn't always happen and it happens with women much less than
men, but it still happens.
my Desire was. . .
I managed to sit on the floor for a full 10 seconds or so before my
mind kicked in and I wasn't thinking about my soulmate.
I started thinking about my ear infection and whether it was
completely gone, that it was interesting that my doc put me on
steroids to 'dry me out' *I have fluid behind my eardrum so kept
hearing a whooshing sound in my ear* since I'd never heard of anyone
being put on steroids before for an ear infection. I'd already done a
course of antibiotics.
Anyway then I started thinking about this commercial break
80scommercialvault posted on youtube.com quite a while back.
The ad break is from MTV back in the 90's, and one of the commercials
is a public service announcement about drinking and driving. "Old
Ainsign" is playing, the car crashes and the narrator says: "Don't
play with death. . . don't drink and drive!"
Sidenote here, I'm fully blind, no light perception even, and have
been terrified of public service announcements since I was a little
girl. I mean terrified to the point of waking my mom or Dad up at 3AM
in a panic or refusing to get out of the bathtub until a scary psa got
over. In our old house the bathroom was just off the livingroom so I
could hear it from the tub.
I managed to push through the fear and even tried to hear my voice
saying: "I'd like to tell you a secret. . ." in line with imagining
telling my soulmate a secret about myself, thinking if I could imagine
myself saying the words I could pull myself back on track. No dice.
Then I started thinking about how hard my floor is, how I ought to
vacuum it soon, how my hands and feet are cold. . . their always cold
in this house! Dad keeps temps at around 70, and with our house being
so big the heat whether from the fireplace or the furnace doesn't warm
the entire house so the bedrooms are almost ALWAYS cold in the winter.
So cold that we all sleep with several blankets sheets and comforters
on our beds. I currently have flannel sheets and two comforters.
Then about my posture, I'm not sitting up FULLY straight. . . I moved
my arms from my sides to resting on my knees. I called it off after
that.
I'm thinking maybe if I go back to doing 'Morning Pages' from Julia
Cameron's "The Artists Way" maybe that'll help.
Interestingly enough, when I spoke to one of our members a couple
weeks ago though, I was doing much better then and I hadn't meditated.
She just told me about the assignment itself and I said something to
the effect of:
"I imagine I'd feel giddy! Ecstasy would run through me! Elation! I'd
Desire to stay with that person and not leave their side *I would of
course*, but the feelings of excitement and joy would be such that I
would Desire heartily to stay in their presence because I'd feel so
'up!!' when I was around them I wouldn't Desire the 'come down effect'
that happens."
For example: when I'm going to a concert I get excited!! I mean I wake
up after only 4 or 5 hours of sleep thinking I NEED to sleep longer
but can't because I'm so excited about what the night holds. I spend
all day waiting waiting waiting! The closer it gets the more euphoric
I get and by the time we're climbing out of my Dad's car and walking
towards the building I've got butterflies whooping in my stomach! I
hear the music pounding and people talking cluttered near the open
door and smell the cigarette smoke from the designated smoking area
outside and feel like sprinting past everyone into the building! When
we get in the first door and I'm standing with my ID out waiting to
have it checked and get a wristband put on it's almost too much for me
to bear! It's like my brain is on overload and almost shuts down as a
coping mechanism. It's almost too much. When we get our IDS' checked
and wristbands on and head inside I smell smoke and alcohol and hear
tons of hooting and hollering, some people are already drunk and
though I'm not a huge fan of being around drunk people the euphoria of
knowing I'll meet the band after they play outweighs any feeling of
discomfort or nervousness the drunk people would normally evoke in me.
Then there's being in the mosh pit itself, the feel of bodies on
bodies, but not slamming or crowd surfing. . . rather the people that
tend to cluster around me are more LIKE me so our bodies rub together
and bounce up and down and sway side to side together. It's like we're
moving as one person, one body, of one mind and one feeling! All is
forgotten, whether it's an aching ankle or the need for a bathroom,
whatever it is, I forget it. After the show is over I hit another even
higher state of euphoria waiting for the band to come out. I RUN to
the bathroom and pray the whole time that the line won't be too large
by the time I get there. While I needed the restroom, it's also
keeping me away from my true Desire, too be near the band, hug them,
shake their hands, thank them. In the case of a lead singer it's
keeping me from sharing more than just a 'hi' with them, keeping me
from connecting on a wildly deep level with them, hearing their voice,
touching and being touched by them *whether it be physically or
emotionally and it's almost always both*.
After the meet and greet as we're leaving, there's a part of me that
longs to do it all over again, too stay longer spend more time, get
closer. . .
So I write all this to say I imagine that is what being with my
soulmate would be like. Only, since I'd be with them forever, the ebb
and flow would be different. There would be concert highs brawn out
for weeks followed by a plateau for weeks or months followed by
another great high.
The plateau happens in the concert when a band comes out that I'm not
interested in. And as I said, when we're leaving part of me is longing
for it to never end. Another part of me goes into review mode and I
usually can't come home and go straight to sleep. I have to eat, to
relax to evaluate everything the singer said and everything I said.
As for that blasted psa, I know it had nothing to do with the
meditation at hand. . . however, if I felt like analyzing, and I do, I
analyze EVERYTHING, I'd say it represents my fear of intimacy, of
closeness, of dropping my guard to ANYONE who doesn't already know me.
The trick about me is: I can tell you anything and I mean ANYTHING.
Whether we're online or offline, I can tell you anything! But the next
time you call me I might not call back. The next time you write me, I
might not write back. So I run before you can run from me. I appear as
an open book and will tell anyone anything, but where as you might
think: "She really trusts me. I feel honored." I might be thinking:
"Ok, said too much, time to make a break for it!"
This doesn't always happen and it happens with women much less than
men, but it still happens.
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