Making New Memories

ORIGINALLY POSTED AT MY PINK POSSE BLOG ON OR NEAR
Fri, Jul 9, 2010 at 11:10 PM

I've finally begun to make new memories, after 5 years. Maybe it's
because my mother is leaving (a whole other blog post), maybe it's
opening a new chapter with my life in the form of having a coach soon,
maybe it's because I'm using my cane when we go out in public, maybe
it's all of the above, maybe it's none of the above.
At any rate, my whole day was good, but my night was the best.
We went to the store today & instead of "waiting to lose weight" I
found a dress I liked & spent $30, on myself. Dad said the dress would
look even better "once you lose this!" as he grabbed my stomach, & it
hurt, but only for a little while. I realized in that moment, as much
as I care about his opinion, I could take every word he said
literally, be hurt & crushed by them & not get the dress. Or, I could
just agree with him, & also say: "Well, I need to lose it, but for
this moment, I like this dress, I like the way it fits & feels, & I'm
going to buy it. I'm not going to wait until I 'Lose this'."
Mom liked the way it looked on me & so did Cymmy & Bella.
Afterward we went to Little Cesars for lunch & Mom & I were talking
about his reaction in the bathroom. She said 'You know what his
problem is. He wants everybody to be like him & you aren't. You like
what you like & you bought it because you really liked it. It looks
good on you. We just had this discussion about what I would wear to
the wedding tomorrow night.'
That's why we were at Fashion Bug to begin with, for her. Dad doesn't
like certain colors on her & even though she's only 6 years older then
me, she's very old-fashioned in her beliefs. The man should make the
decisions, the woman should follow his lead 'most of the time'. I, AM.
COMPLETELY. DIFFERENT! Lol. & really, he raised me that way himself.
He always taught me not to take crap, from anybody. Males included. I
do what I want, when I want, how I want & if he doesn't like it, then
I don't need him in my life. We can do things together, do things
separate & still be in love. So it's funny to me that he married
someone like her. I guess now he's getting a taste of what mom went
through with him. She put him through hell, but he used to be the one
who didn't like to make decisions, who didn't want to take us girls
anywhere if she wouldn't go with us. & now, that's how Mom is.
Anyway, we had lunch, took her to work, then went to the mall. Man,
malls are bad!! Bad, bad, bad! Lol. I bought a nightgown & tanktop
with a built in bra, both things I NEEDED. However, then we ended up
at Bath & Beyond!! A couple of years ago we were in there. I found
this perfume I liked, but I wouldn't buy it for myself because it was
to expensive & I wasn't worth that.
It was $22!! He said he would buy it but I said no. So he said 'I'll
pay half then. Pick it up & take it to the counter, you're getting
it!' Lol. So I took it to the counter & got it.
Ever since then, I don't go in there often, but when I do I almost
always walk out with something! Lol. On the upside, I don't use the
lotion everyday. In fact, I've got 8-10 bottles sitting here now,
because I use them sparingly. & the two perfumes I got, one of which
is the one Dad helped me buy, are still here. I wear the one he helped
me buy whenever I go see E cuz he loves it! Lol.
I keep digressing though. So I walked out of the mall having spent
close to $50 & with Fashion Bug added in about $70.
I had actually managed to save some money from last month miracle of
miracles! Otherwise, I wouldn't have done it. I wouldn't have been
able to. & instead of dwelling on how much I spent or Dad's comment
about my weight, or the pizza I ate that I didn't need, I was just
happy!
Then we came home & this evening at about 9 after Mom got home from
work, we finally went outside & did our fireworks! It was to hot all
week to do them. We've had the air on since Monday & yesterday it got
up to 103. Go figure that it was 93 in San Antonio! How different is
that??? Lol.
Just Cymmy, Bella & I were out there, but it felt different. As I
said, finally making new memories. I'll never like this house. I'll
never be "thrilled" to live here, but being out there with them was
fun, even after I got eaten by mosquitoes!
We did our poppers that you throw on the cement & they pop. We pulled
the strings & shot confetti at each other from some other type of
firework (can't remember what their called), the girls broke apart
another one & rolled it under their feet till it cracked & showed up
like the fireworks displays do. & finally we had the little ones that
they have a string coming out of each end & you pull them & they snap.
Usually their in bed by 9, so they were already up past their bedtime,
but when we got done it was to nice to go inside, so we ran into the
backyard & they caught fireflies. I couldn't catch any, but they kept
giving the ones they caught to me & then I attracted even more for
whatever reason! Lol. They were on my skin & in my hair. It reminded
me of the butterfly exhibit I went to in school once.
My Braille teacher used to call me 'Madame Butterfly' & when we went
there, these butterflies just started landing on me! On my hands, my
arms, on my shirt & in my hair. At that moment I wished I could fly
away with them! Lol.
We played London Bridge is Falling Down, I'd never played that game
before. I've played Red Rover, Duck Duck Goose, Ring Around the
Rosies, & rock paper scissors on occasion, but never that one. So I
learned a new game. They kept doing handstands & yelling at each
other:
"Count!" "Hold my feet!"
Cymmy actually fell & smacked her head on my arm. I was standing to
close to them apparently. They both started laughing & I said 'I think
you broke something vital!'
Lol. Things will never be 'what they were', but maybe they can be
better, then what they were, or might have been.
Optimistically yours,
Chelle

Well Of Pain

Dear KURT:
Who'da thunk it? I'm back!
I'll just jump right in!
It's amazing the wells of pain you can find yourself falling into and the things you find yourself doing to get out of them. The other night I was listening to "Unplugged. . ." and all I could think about was you. I think of you often, but I was thinking about why you died, what the purpose was, how could I possibly feel it so acutely 12 years on etc. It occured to me in that moment why people in general try so fucking hard to AVOID pain! We eat, screw, sleep, smoke, do drugs, drink, gamble, go for long walks, have long-ass superficial conversations, ANYTHING to blot out the pain! We all have it, all carry it with us and some of us, like me, feel it acutely in others. We smell it, recognize it and can taste it when others get close to us. Some people don't even have to get close, they just have to be on stage in front of us. Take SHAUN for instance. And while most of us will never admit we feel a thing others, like me feel too much, just as you wrote in your note. Your the Jesus Man. Sometimes I feel like the Jesus Woman. And sometimes I notice myself taking on other's pain to blot out my own. Like I can handle yours but not mine.
The topic of what I Desired from my Dad came up in coaching this evening. I'm so sick of asking him for anything I could scream! I could throw myself on the floor and kick and scream and bang my head and rip out my hair like a 2-year-old! What the fuck is it about talking to a man that he's smart enough to fix a car, but not smart enough to understand: "Oh, she asked me to spend more time with her, maybe I should." Or: "Oh, she said she was feeling stuck. Maybe I could try to think of a suggestion." Seriously? If I went to you with a fucking knife to my throat or gun to my head and said: "I need your help!" would you help me? What would you do? What would you say? But most importantly, what would you do? HOW would you help me? And I don't mean taking away the gun or knife, I mean what exactly would you do?
He would sit on my bed in high school for a little while after he painted a house where a kid blew his brains out and ask me to promise him I wouldn't hurt myself and he'd listen to me talk about my problems. Supposedly men fix things! Now, having written that, generally speaking, I DO NOT expect a man to 'step in' and fix something, especially if I can fix it myself. On the other hand, if I give speciffics about a problem then ask: "What would you do?" I expect a mother fucking answer! If I ask for help then I expect help! Of course, dealing with the government is the same. You ask them for help and they tell you to fuck off!
I Desire to be a fabulous member of society. A member who is well known for contributing her money, her time and her love and compassion. In order to do that I need money for my own place in the city, money for transportation and then I can begin working on the rest. If I'm in the city it automatically ups my chances of being able to find an animal shelter and a daycare center to volunteer at. If I prove to be a most valuable adition then that ups my chances of being hired or at least suggested/recommended to management and then they can request that I attain a higher level of education if they see fit. What's so fucking hard about understanding that? There's life and then there's quality of life! At this rate, with this 'quality' of life, I really am better off 6 feet under!
But if I approach a man or a woman and say all that, what's so hard to understand about it? And what's so hard about releasing your money to a worthy cause like that? I Desire to help children all over the world and it feels like people would rather see me dead then helping people and they don't even fucking know me! WTF???
And back to my Dad because that's where we started, why the fuck ask him for help when he 'can't' help me? What's the point!!!??? I might as well go ask a brick wall for help or a tree or a bear! At least the bear would put me out of my misery! So the bear would help!!
Now. . . I have reached 'a solution.' Whether or not it's 'the one' only time will tell, but I have reached one. But I'm so pissed this evening I could win the lottery and still say fuck off! to everybody.
And of course, I'm hurt. I spent probably a half an hour crying about my Dad. I love him and I know he loves me. It goes back to love not being enough though. What do I Desire from him at this moment in time??? I Desire for him to let me keep my fucking $325 a month. Beyond that. . . the same thing I Desired as a girl and WON'T get. TIME! HIS PRECIOUS, INVALUABLE FUCKING TIME!!! Time he 'doesn't have'!!!! So why ask the Universe for something I WON'T get??? Isn't the definition of insanity doing *or in this case* asking for the same thing over and over again and expecting things to change and then they don't change???? Or am I insane for thinking that's the definition of insanity?
So here I am in another well of pain. I suppose I can be Greatful it's mine tonight and not yours or SHAUN'S, or H's or whoever's, but truth be told, I'm not fucking Greatful! I'm fuckin in pain and I'm fucking pissed and having that discussion just makes me Desire mightily to pull the plug on this New Year project and blow my fucking head off this year instead of next!! But I have a goal to reach the 27 mark so I guess I need to get my head back in the game and keep my eye on the figurative ball.
Peace, Love, Empathy. . .
Chelle
--
Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learn anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive
is too small for you.
~ David Whyte ~ (House of Belonging)
Sadie Marie Medina!
Original birthdate unnone.
First birthday with us: 2/15/2009
Welcome home baby!