ORIGINAL EMAIL TO MYSELF ON OR NEAR
Sat, Aug 14, 2010 at 9:37 AM
I can take back my power with the words I speak. I can also relinquish
my power with the words I speak.
I'm thinking of Disturbs tours they used to put together "Music as a
Weapon" My words can also be weapons. "Words as Weapons", it's all in
what I say and how I say it.
I'm diving for myself. I am not a hopeless cause, a failure, a wreck.
I've had surface beliefs for to many years that have led me to believe
I was a lost cause, hopeless etc, but I AM NOT!
I'm trying to write this immediately after and yet I still feel like
I'm losing sight of something.
I lost track of my goal, which was to be flexible in my body. I also
wanted to be flexible in my mind, and I lost sight of both of those
things, as well as getting them tangled up together. My goal in being
flexible in my body was moving, not being in pain. I decided the
Treadmill was the only way to get that flexibility and cut when I
didn't get it. It was actually a manefestation of things much deeper,
if I can't do this small thing, how will I do these much bigger
things? It was however, also a surface thought, translated into a
severe tantrum, if I can't get it this way then i won't get it anyway,
so there's no hope!
Truth be told, I can dance. I can walk. I was writing I "could",
pushing things back. Now I've rephrased it as "I Can" meaning, I can
do it NOW! Or tomorrow, or the next day, but I CAN do it now. It's not
something I have to wait for. And now President Obama's "Yes We Can"
slogan is in my head! Lol. Hey, if it works for me, I'm using it!
I've also discovered I need to distinguish between my inner wisdom,
and the critic. The critic says I can't do it. The inner wisdom says:
"I can't do it this way, so how can I do it differently? I can't do it
now, so when can I do it?"
And now I'm back to the Treadmill. If we're moving in a few months, is
it worth it for me to get one now? How will I transport it to San
Antonio? If I intend to fly, and I do fly, how will my parents
transport it? So the critic says I cut for nothing. I say it happened
for a reason. The goal next time, is to learn what I need to learn
without going to such an extreme, to not fall back on old habits that
don't serve me anymore.
--
Machine Shop Flint MI Concert Venue = best damned concert venue in the woooorld!
Thursday 9/2/10: SEETHER will be there!
Saturday 9/11/10: NONPOINT will be there!
& last but certainly not least,
Friday 9/24/10: Ed K frontman for the band Live will be there!
Ahhhhhhhh!!!
Showing posts with label coaching. Show all posts
Showing posts with label coaching. Show all posts
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Discovery Session Talk
ORIGINAL EMAIL TO MYSELF ON OR NEAR
Wed, Aug 4, 2010 at 9:00 AM
I came away feeling great, losing that heavyheart feeling to have
changed my motto from it's my fault to 'It's NOT my fault.'
I learned that in posting online, sharing my views/thoughts/opinions,
I am in fact, creating. So I am honoring that value after all.
Recognition is, a good thing, with a good connotation.
I am hungry for connection though this was a rare place for me to
acknowledge it honestly.
I remembered my comments about negative thoughts being worse then not
exercising. Worse, then pretty much anything I can do to myself
because they've become so insidious I don't recognize them when they
come into my head.
I am to ask clearly for what I want. Something that's new for me.
It is okay for me to ask for what I want.
I need to shatter the old thoughts that if I did it once & it didn't
work, I'll do it again & it won't work.
Homework:
Check the internet for local hospitals, animal rescues/shelters & the
like to volunteer in.
Continue to seek out & connect with others in similar situations to
find out what they've done to change their circumstances.
Continue to live in possibility, try to envision what possibility is
like & what it feels like to be there.
DON'T GET ATTACHED TO THE OUTCOMES OF WHAT I'M SEEKING OUT.
Ask, ask, ask, ask, ask, ask, ask, ask, ask, ask, ask, ask, ask, ask, ask, ask!
Wed, Aug 4, 2010 at 9:00 AM
I came away feeling great, losing that heavyheart feeling to have
changed my motto from it's my fault to 'It's NOT my fault.'
I learned that in posting online, sharing my views/thoughts/opinions,
I am in fact, creating. So I am honoring that value after all.
Recognition is, a good thing, with a good connotation.
I am hungry for connection though this was a rare place for me to
acknowledge it honestly.
I remembered my comments about negative thoughts being worse then not
exercising. Worse, then pretty much anything I can do to myself
because they've become so insidious I don't recognize them when they
come into my head.
I am to ask clearly for what I want. Something that's new for me.
It is okay for me to ask for what I want.
I need to shatter the old thoughts that if I did it once & it didn't
work, I'll do it again & it won't work.
Homework:
Check the internet for local hospitals, animal rescues/shelters & the
like to volunteer in.
Continue to seek out & connect with others in similar situations to
find out what they've done to change their circumstances.
Continue to live in possibility, try to envision what possibility is
like & what it feels like to be there.
DON'T GET ATTACHED TO THE OUTCOMES OF WHAT I'M SEEKING OUT.
Ask, ask, ask, ask, ask, ask, ask, ask, ask, ask, ask, ask, ask, ask, ask, ask!
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Well Of Pain
Dear KURT:
Who'da thunk it? I'm back!
I'll just jump right in!
It's amazing the wells of pain you can find yourself falling into and the things you find yourself doing to get out of them. The other night I was listening to "Unplugged. . ." and all I could think about was you. I think of you often, but I was thinking about why you died, what the purpose was, how could I possibly feel it so acutely 12 years on etc. It occured to me in that moment why people in general try so fucking hard to AVOID pain! We eat, screw, sleep, smoke, do drugs, drink, gamble, go for long walks, have long-ass superficial conversations, ANYTHING to blot out the pain! We all have it, all carry it with us and some of us, like me, feel it acutely in others. We smell it, recognize it and can taste it when others get close to us. Some people don't even have to get close, they just have to be on stage in front of us. Take SHAUN for instance. And while most of us will never admit we feel a thing others, like me feel too much, just as you wrote in your note. Your the Jesus Man. Sometimes I feel like the Jesus Woman. And sometimes I notice myself taking on other's pain to blot out my own. Like I can handle yours but not mine.
The topic of what I Desired from my Dad came up in coaching this evening. I'm so sick of asking him for anything I could scream! I could throw myself on the floor and kick and scream and bang my head and rip out my hair like a 2-year-old! What the fuck is it about talking to a man that he's smart enough to fix a car, but not smart enough to understand: "Oh, she asked me to spend more time with her, maybe I should." Or: "Oh, she said she was feeling stuck. Maybe I could try to think of a suggestion." Seriously? If I went to you with a fucking knife to my throat or gun to my head and said: "I need your help!" would you help me? What would you do? What would you say? But most importantly, what would you do? HOW would you help me? And I don't mean taking away the gun or knife, I mean what exactly would you do?
He would sit on my bed in high school for a little while after he painted a house where a kid blew his brains out and ask me to promise him I wouldn't hurt myself and he'd listen to me talk about my problems. Supposedly men fix things! Now, having written that, generally speaking, I DO NOT expect a man to 'step in' and fix something, especially if I can fix it myself. On the other hand, if I give speciffics about a problem then ask: "What would you do?" I expect a mother fucking answer! If I ask for help then I expect help! Of course, dealing with the government is the same. You ask them for help and they tell you to fuck off!
I Desire to be a fabulous member of society. A member who is well known for contributing her money, her time and her love and compassion. In order to do that I need money for my own place in the city, money for transportation and then I can begin working on the rest. If I'm in the city it automatically ups my chances of being able to find an animal shelter and a daycare center to volunteer at. If I prove to be a most valuable adition then that ups my chances of being hired or at least suggested/recommended to management and then they can request that I attain a higher level of education if they see fit. What's so fucking hard about understanding that? There's life and then there's quality of life! At this rate, with this 'quality' of life, I really am better off 6 feet under!
But if I approach a man or a woman and say all that, what's so hard to understand about it? And what's so hard about releasing your money to a worthy cause like that? I Desire to help children all over the world and it feels like people would rather see me dead then helping people and they don't even fucking know me! WTF???
And back to my Dad because that's where we started, why the fuck ask him for help when he 'can't' help me? What's the point!!!??? I might as well go ask a brick wall for help or a tree or a bear! At least the bear would put me out of my misery! So the bear would help!!
Now. . . I have reached 'a solution.' Whether or not it's 'the one' only time will tell, but I have reached one. But I'm so pissed this evening I could win the lottery and still say fuck off! to everybody.
And of course, I'm hurt. I spent probably a half an hour crying about my Dad. I love him and I know he loves me. It goes back to love not being enough though. What do I Desire from him at this moment in time??? I Desire for him to let me keep my fucking $325 a month. Beyond that. . . the same thing I Desired as a girl and WON'T get. TIME! HIS PRECIOUS, INVALUABLE FUCKING TIME!!! Time he 'doesn't have'!!!! So why ask the Universe for something I WON'T get??? Isn't the definition of insanity doing *or in this case* asking for the same thing over and over again and expecting things to change and then they don't change???? Or am I insane for thinking that's the definition of insanity?
So here I am in another well of pain. I suppose I can be Greatful it's mine tonight and not yours or SHAUN'S, or H's or whoever's, but truth be told, I'm not fucking Greatful! I'm fuckin in pain and I'm fucking pissed and having that discussion just makes me Desire mightily to pull the plug on this New Year project and blow my fucking head off this year instead of next!! But I have a goal to reach the 27 mark so I guess I need to get my head back in the game and keep my eye on the figurative ball.
Peace, Love, Empathy. . .
Chelle
--
Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learn anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive
is too small for you.
~ David Whyte ~ (House of Belonging)
Sadie Marie Medina!
Original birthdate unnone.
First birthday with us: 2/15/2009
Welcome home baby!
Who'da thunk it? I'm back!
I'll just jump right in!
It's amazing the wells of pain you can find yourself falling into and the things you find yourself doing to get out of them. The other night I was listening to "Unplugged. . ." and all I could think about was you. I think of you often, but I was thinking about why you died, what the purpose was, how could I possibly feel it so acutely 12 years on etc. It occured to me in that moment why people in general try so fucking hard to AVOID pain! We eat, screw, sleep, smoke, do drugs, drink, gamble, go for long walks, have long-ass superficial conversations, ANYTHING to blot out the pain! We all have it, all carry it with us and some of us, like me, feel it acutely in others. We smell it, recognize it and can taste it when others get close to us. Some people don't even have to get close, they just have to be on stage in front of us. Take SHAUN for instance. And while most of us will never admit we feel a thing others, like me feel too much, just as you wrote in your note. Your the Jesus Man. Sometimes I feel like the Jesus Woman. And sometimes I notice myself taking on other's pain to blot out my own. Like I can handle yours but not mine.
The topic of what I Desired from my Dad came up in coaching this evening. I'm so sick of asking him for anything I could scream! I could throw myself on the floor and kick and scream and bang my head and rip out my hair like a 2-year-old! What the fuck is it about talking to a man that he's smart enough to fix a car, but not smart enough to understand: "Oh, she asked me to spend more time with her, maybe I should." Or: "Oh, she said she was feeling stuck. Maybe I could try to think of a suggestion." Seriously? If I went to you with a fucking knife to my throat or gun to my head and said: "I need your help!" would you help me? What would you do? What would you say? But most importantly, what would you do? HOW would you help me? And I don't mean taking away the gun or knife, I mean what exactly would you do?
He would sit on my bed in high school for a little while after he painted a house where a kid blew his brains out and ask me to promise him I wouldn't hurt myself and he'd listen to me talk about my problems. Supposedly men fix things! Now, having written that, generally speaking, I DO NOT expect a man to 'step in' and fix something, especially if I can fix it myself. On the other hand, if I give speciffics about a problem then ask: "What would you do?" I expect a mother fucking answer! If I ask for help then I expect help! Of course, dealing with the government is the same. You ask them for help and they tell you to fuck off!
I Desire to be a fabulous member of society. A member who is well known for contributing her money, her time and her love and compassion. In order to do that I need money for my own place in the city, money for transportation and then I can begin working on the rest. If I'm in the city it automatically ups my chances of being able to find an animal shelter and a daycare center to volunteer at. If I prove to be a most valuable adition then that ups my chances of being hired or at least suggested/recommended to management and then they can request that I attain a higher level of education if they see fit. What's so fucking hard about understanding that? There's life and then there's quality of life! At this rate, with this 'quality' of life, I really am better off 6 feet under!
But if I approach a man or a woman and say all that, what's so hard to understand about it? And what's so hard about releasing your money to a worthy cause like that? I Desire to help children all over the world and it feels like people would rather see me dead then helping people and they don't even fucking know me! WTF???
And back to my Dad because that's where we started, why the fuck ask him for help when he 'can't' help me? What's the point!!!??? I might as well go ask a brick wall for help or a tree or a bear! At least the bear would put me out of my misery! So the bear would help!!
Now. . . I have reached 'a solution.' Whether or not it's 'the one' only time will tell, but I have reached one. But I'm so pissed this evening I could win the lottery and still say fuck off! to everybody.
And of course, I'm hurt. I spent probably a half an hour crying about my Dad. I love him and I know he loves me. It goes back to love not being enough though. What do I Desire from him at this moment in time??? I Desire for him to let me keep my fucking $325 a month. Beyond that. . . the same thing I Desired as a girl and WON'T get. TIME! HIS PRECIOUS, INVALUABLE FUCKING TIME!!! Time he 'doesn't have'!!!! So why ask the Universe for something I WON'T get??? Isn't the definition of insanity doing *or in this case* asking for the same thing over and over again and expecting things to change and then they don't change???? Or am I insane for thinking that's the definition of insanity?
So here I am in another well of pain. I suppose I can be Greatful it's mine tonight and not yours or SHAUN'S, or H's or whoever's, but truth be told, I'm not fucking Greatful! I'm fuckin in pain and I'm fucking pissed and having that discussion just makes me Desire mightily to pull the plug on this New Year project and blow my fucking head off this year instead of next!! But I have a goal to reach the 27 mark so I guess I need to get my head back in the game and keep my eye on the figurative ball.
Peace, Love, Empathy. . .
Chelle
--
Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learn anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive
is too small for you.
~ David Whyte ~ (House of Belonging)
Sadie Marie Medina!
Original birthdate unnone.
First birthday with us: 2/15/2009
Welcome home baby!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)