My 2012 As I Desired It At The Time

Originally written:
Sun, Dec 11, 2011 at 9:30 AM

What is your theme for 2012? What does it mean to you?
Starting over.
Starting over means rebuilding from the ground up. Creating a new
foundation for me to stand on. A stable one!

Let's talk about the future...

How do you feel in 2012?
I feel energized, invigorated, revitalized!

What were your highlights?
Going to at least one concert a month and getting swept up in all the energy!!
Seeing ELI and SHAUN out on the road again and being smothered in love
and affection from both of them!!
Meeting my benefactor/benefactress!!
I still feel incredibly honored and amazed that they've chosen me!! I
KNEW I had a message, I KNEW my words were important, but actually
having them back me took me to a whole new level of confidence!! It
isn't enough to KNOW something, I've actually had to see myself in
action to realize just how 'fucking brilliant' I really am and let me
say, I. AM. FUCKING BRILLIANT!!!
Holding all the Babies I've gotten to hold this year and ending the
year Pregnant myself!!! At the beginning of the year even I had no
idea what was coming and I believed 2012 was MY YEAR!!
Moving to San Antonio in April and meeting tons of hot partners during
the week of Fiesta 19th through the 27th!! The energy was so amazing
here in San Antonio! Screw New Year's Eve, this is where the real
party was at!!! This place was even more alive than I imagined!!! The
people, the food, the energy of the crowds, the enthusiasm of the
bands, it was like one giant Christmas gift just for ME!!!
I have a house about a block from the River Walk!! I can come out my
door every morning and be right in the thick of it!!! Sadie has
adapted beyond my wildest dreams!! I found her a trainer who gets her
quirky CockerSpaniel ways and she's no longer eating paper and sheets,
not to mention she actually alerts me when she has to go outside and
when we do go out I don't have to put her on a leash because she
always comes back!!!! I've even got her in a play group with other
Cockers and she is just blowing me away with her social skills!!
KittyKitty is typical KittyKitty, though she has made SLIGHT room in
her heart for a Kitten I adopted the first week I was here and named
Fluffy. We had a Rabbit named Fluffy and this Kitten's fur is like
Rabbit's fur I swear!! On top of all that, I'm doing work I DESIRED to
do all along!!! I have three days a week at an animal shelter teaching
Dogs and Cats how to trust people again. I've created my own nitch
here petting and holding and coaxing. I only give baths to the
non-picky ones and NEVER clean up the mess! Smile. What could be
better than that? Speaking of cleaning I have a maid to clean my house
and a chef who takes care of all the cooking! It's amazing how I can
eat well and be happy at the same time without having to lift a finger
to do it myself!! Though I do cook, because I love it! In fact, there
was the night the chef and I hooked up and made chocolate cake. . .
however that's x-rated!! Hahahaha!! A striking Mexican man with
dreadlocks down to his butt and an accent that could melt the
bitchiest of Women. . . and those hands, don't get me started on those
hands!! I have two days with Babies in the NICU, rocking, comforting
and just being there for them. I'm always shocked at how many parents
just take off. Then again there are some truly amazing parents who
stick around and genuinely care for their children and I'm touched and
inspired by their presence. The last two days are spent with Babies in
the regular nursery. Their so darn adorable!!! I could just eat them
up whole!!! That Baby smell, the sounds they make and those tiny
cries!! Sometimes they cry and I tear up just hearing them! It's like
Christmas every day of the year!
I couldn't ask for anything better than this!! I have an editor for my
book, "The Messenger Unveiled", she's been AMAZING at helping me get
everything in order!! In return I've been her babysitter and
confidant. No small feat for a Woman who has a story of her own to
share. I've told her I'd love to help her get it out on paper!!
So I said I was Pregnant earlier. Olivia Marie is her name and I'm 6
months along as I type this!! I'm glad, I didn't Desire her to be born
in January!! It's a rip off! The only thing worse would have been
giving birth to her on Christmas Eve/Day!! She deserves all the
presents she can get and this way she will!! Her Dad, ELIAS *no
relation to ELI SORIANO unfortunately* is one amazing lover and
provider!! The minute he found out I was Pregnant he started providing
and he didn't even have to!! Considering my lack of sexual experiences
I haven't settled down with him, but I'm thrilled to know he's Livia's
Daddy! I couldn't have picked a better choice!! He completely
understood where I was coming from right from the start and has been
nothing but supportive!! Then there's Juan who is hilarious!! It's not
even his Baby and he kisses my belly and sings songs to her!! He calls
her his little M&M!! Emma is my OTHER BFF!! We're girlfriends and
girlfriends! Lol. She to adores my girls, buys them little gifts and
treats them like their hers! She also understands that they are part
of my "FAMILY", just because their two Cats and a Dog has no baring on
it whatsoever! I to have a wider social group, I'd say I have about
four friends who are TRUE FRIENDS, people I can call on in my hour of
need. I have so many Christmas parties to attend it's not even funny!!
I look back on last year and still find it hard to wrap my head around
all the amazing change that has gone down!! It really is incredible!!

What was your primary emotion?
GREAT!! Indescribably guuuuurrrrreeeeaaaatttt like Tony the Tiger!
Smile. I have been so filled with joy and happiness and over the top
loopiness I sometimes wonder if I'll ever come down!

Did you experience any big changes?
Um. . . My whole life has changed!! I have invitations to parties as I
said, I have a super close group of friends who I can rely on, my core
group and then a wider ranging network of friends who share my
interest in music, Babies, animals, cooking and TV watching!! I'm
Pregnant!!!! I have an incredible sex life and my life on the whole is
fantastic!!

What is in your life than wasn't before?
A core group of friends, not just ONE go to friend whom I hang all my
shit on! I have people Desiring to serve me whether it's something as
simple as dinner or as elaborate as a tantric sexual experience!! I'm
making connections with groups of people doing humanitarian work and
planning a trip to Africa after Olivia is born! Right now we're just
working out the kinks! I'll have my first ever passport in my hands!!
I've never had need for a passport before!! The biggest thing that's
in my life that wasn't before though is LOVE!! When I say that I mean
a LOVE for and of life! I actually believe life is worth living now! I
believe I have a place here, I'm serving the greater good, I AM A
WORTHWHILE PERSON because I'm doing something to help the world!!

What are your core values? Name at least 5.
FREEDOM!, open lines of communication, trustworthiness, honesty, being
respected as a confident well-adapted person.

What passions did you pursue?
Working with Babies and animals, working on birthing my book and I've
even hooked up with a hard rock cover band! They think I'm an awesome
singer and have asked me to sing for them this weekend at 'The Shop'!!

Let's take a look at these areas of your life.

Personal: Self-esteem, Exploring, Travel, contribution, creativity
I feel like I've written it all before, but my self-esteem is quite
high considering I'm doing my life's work now!! I feel stable and
happy. no, thrilled to be living!! I'm traveling to Africa and who
knows what's after that! The door is wide open!! My next Desired trip
would be to China! I feel like I've contributed ALOT over the past
year!! I look back over the year and sometimes find myself overwhelmed
by the enormity of what I've done! I am one incredible Goddess!! And
creativity!! I've been painting and singing up a storm!! I dance so
hard I've had to take it down a couple notches with Olivia in here!!
Lol. No more jumping and bouncing till my ribs and entire torso ache
and burn with the pain of a fabulous night out!!

Social: family, friends, significant others, etc.
I've created MY OWN family!! My family consists of my friends, my four
girls and anyone I choose to call "FAMILY". Of course there's my blood
family, but now that I'm out on my own I can have MY family as I
Desire it!!
I have my four core group of friends who I can rely on for anything
and an extended network of friends to big to count!! I feel buried in
love, soaked and covered in it! I don't have 'a' significant other!
I've let go of the idea of ONE person for the moment simply because
I've come here and found waaaay to many beautiful people to just
settle down with ONE! Having said that, I feel the freedom that comes
with NOT being bogged down by 'tradition'! I'm creating my own
tradition and I love it!!

Spiritual: Life purpose, meditation, church, prayer, higher power
My life's purpose isn't one thing. However, for the purpose of boiling
it down into one definition, but that would cover a huge depth and
breadth. . . it is to be of service to others. Now whether that good
is rocking an Aids infected Baby or helping an elderly Woman get
something off a shelf or going down and joining in the clean up the
river project for Earth Day doesn't matter. It all fits under the
umbrella of being in service to others.
Meditation is what it is. I'm not a traditional person, never have
been, but then again everyone's meditation is different anyway. The
closest I get is taking a horseback ride, petting my animals or
sitting in a rocking chair holding and caressing my Pregnant belly for
an hour. Their my forms of meditation.
I don't attend traditional church, nor do I tend towards prayer very
often. I live by the morals that I identify with.
Examples:
Treat others how you want to be treated.
I don't engage in activities that would knowingly or intentionally
cause harm *bodily or otherwise* to others.
As for a higher power, Goddess/God *Mother/Father*.

Physical: Health, body image, style, personal environment, sexuality
My health is probably the best it's been since I was aprox. 8 and the
doctors told my mom I was at a healthy weight! I walk and swim and
dance my booty off! I even have a beeper ball so I can play volley
ball or beach ball with my family!
My body image is also quite high!! My hair is long down past my lower
back, my nails are kick-ass and I'm glowing like I just had the best
sex of my life even when I haven't! Lol. I take my vitamins and take
care of myself and Olivia!!
My style is what it is. I like fluffy and furry and glittery and
sparkly! I'm still in band tees and stretch shorts and pants! I've got
dresses and skirts, long and flowy and short and showy!! I'm a mixed
bag and I haven't changed a bit!
My house is filled with Mexican furniture and art that I can feel and
take Pleasure in every time I sit in it/touch it!! I didn't buy any
piece without actually thinking about it first! I have two beds
because I couldn't decide on a select comfort or a tempurpedic! Lol.
And I'm still considering a canopy bed because I love those to!
Then again I have a lover with a canopy bed so. . . I don't really
need one when I've got his. Hahahaha!!

Professional: Career, passion, etc.
My passions are quite intertwined as we've discussed before, so my
career is caring for Babies and animals!! Public speaking will hit
that list soon as my book gets published in 2013!!

Financial: Debt, savings, security, abundance, etc.
I'm proud to say I had no debt before because I had no credit and I
couldn't really accrue debt without a credit card!! Having said that I
am still debt free and my Desire is to remain so!! I am currently
saving up my SSI, they don't know about my benefactors, risky but I do
what I have to do, and when my book publishes and I kick the ass right
out of the public speaking world I'll be even more in the black!!!
I have the abundance of Bill Gates, or so it seems and after "The
Messenger Unveiled" is published it shall be so!


--
Sadie Marie Medina!
Original birthdate unnone.
First birthday with us: 2/15/2009
Welcome home baby!
Gracie Marie Medina
Best Doggie Daughter of them all!
Original birthdate unnone.
First birthday with us 4/11/02.
Died Friday 1/23/09 4:35PM.
Mommy misses you baby!

Changing Perspectives

Note: Back to lessons from "Calling in The One" soon.
I just read an article sent to me via
http://sendmeastory.com/
and culled from
http://www.longform.org/
on a man named Michael May who is the founder and CEO of Sendero Group, THEE man who created a portable Global Positioning System unit *GPS* for the blind. He himself was blind and was the first blind CIA analyst, is a skydiver, a guitar player, mentor and lecturer. He's done ALOT in his lifetime and sighted or not, he's a fabulous role model for us all.
He's a guy who runs towards change! I myself must confess, I am like most, guilty of being complacent and even dare I say it, hostile towards change. In fact, for years my mantra has been: "I hate change! I hate change!"
I was sitting here last night thinking that I won't be that person anymore! I have no Desire to be that person in that crowd of change haters any longer!
I was also smart enough to recognize that this WILL NOT be an easy change,. I mean, 26 years as a self-confessed change hater?
The other day I was talking to my coach about my resistance towards finishing the exercises in "CITO" *"Calling in The One"* She asked me why. She pointed out how in classes I'm practically jumping over myself to get it done! I had reached Lesson 10 on Toxic Ties *in other words toxic rrelationship ties* and I said without thinking about it: "I don't want to. I know I have toxic ties to people and instead of renegociating them I'd rather just move out!"
I thought about that again as I repeated it to one of the Women in our "CITO" group. It was true. I was uncensored and unfiltered and just said what I was thinking and that was it.
It's what happens when I start thinking about others and not myself. I don't want to renegociate ties with my Dad's wife for example, because Dad lives in the house to and if I renegociate with her how is he going to react? How will my renegociations with her affect him? The straight answer of course, is not at all unless HE chooses to allow it to affect him and if he does I have no control over that for I can only control myself!
So how does this fit in with Michael May? It was a case of 'what would Michael May do here?' and I know the answer. The man runs full speed ahead, has always run full speed ahead and if I Desire to be like that I to MUST run full speed ahead!
For God's sake, the man drove a car when he was a kid!! A Datsun, and a Honda motor bike around his high school's track with another blind friend when he was 16.
We were at once raised similarly and completely opposite of each other.
I was told I could do anything I wanted, put in public schools, treated 'normally' by my parents. The outside world was a different story, but they treated me normally. But even they won't teach me how to drive, and even they never encouraged me to try out for anything. I'm not blaming, I never wanted to be a cheerleader anyway, though wrestling or karate would have been a fabulously Great outlet for my pent up anger!
My point though, is that they never would have said/did say: "Go run into benches, into other bike riders and make yourself a bloody mess."
Michael's mother did! Even if she didn't use her words, he was treated 'normally' and this was over 40 years ago and because of that, he still holds the record for the fastest blind downhill skiier *65 MPH* and he has made the jump to getting his sight back!
Though case studies have proven time and time again that depression is a huge stumbling block for those few who have sought out or regained their sight, that blind people who become sighted can't distinguish between a sphere and a cube by sight alone, or someone's gender and the like because those parts of the brain aren't the kind to keep regenerating if not used in early childhood, he ran with it and his sight was 20/80 at the time of the writing of this article!
I WANT to be like him, and if I want to be like him, I have no choice but to change my perspective, whether it's on a book that helps to call in love or a 26 year Herstory of hating on change!
It won't be easy, but I am bound and determined!!
If you would like to read Michael's story you can find it here!
http://www.esquire.com/features/ESQ0605BLIND_114?click=main_sr
--
Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learn anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive
is too small for you.
~ David Whyte ~ (House of Belonging)
Sadie Marie Medina!
Original birthdate unnone.
First birthday with us: 2/15/2009
Welcome home baby!

Week 1: Lesson 6, Imagining My Lover

I went into this late night meditation with a perfect memory of what
my Desire was. . .
I managed to sit on the floor for a full 10 seconds or so before my
mind kicked in and I wasn't thinking about my soulmate.
I started thinking about my ear infection and whether it was
completely gone, that it was interesting that my doc put me on
steroids to 'dry me out' *I have fluid behind my eardrum so kept
hearing a whooshing sound in my ear* since I'd never heard of anyone
being put on steroids before for an ear infection. I'd already done a
course of antibiotics.
Anyway then I started thinking about this commercial break
80scommercialvault posted on youtube.com quite a while back.
The ad break is from MTV back in the 90's, and one of the commercials
is a public service announcement about drinking and driving. "Old
Ainsign" is playing, the car crashes and the narrator says: "Don't
play with death. . . don't drink and drive!"
Sidenote here, I'm fully blind, no light perception even, and have
been terrified of public service announcements since I was a little
girl. I mean terrified to the point of waking my mom or Dad up at 3AM
in a panic or refusing to get out of the bathtub until a scary psa got
over. In our old house the bathroom was just off the livingroom so I
could hear it from the tub.
I managed to push through the fear and even tried to hear my voice
saying: "I'd like to tell you a secret. . ." in line with imagining
telling my soulmate a secret about myself, thinking if I could imagine
myself saying the words I could pull myself back on track. No dice.
Then I started thinking about how hard my floor is, how I ought to
vacuum it soon, how my hands and feet are cold. . . their always cold
in this house! Dad keeps temps at around 70, and with our house being
so big the heat whether from the fireplace or the furnace doesn't warm
the entire house so the bedrooms are almost ALWAYS cold in the winter.
So cold that we all sleep with several blankets sheets and comforters
on our beds. I currently have flannel sheets and two comforters.
Then about my posture, I'm not sitting up FULLY straight. . . I moved
my arms from my sides to resting on my knees. I called it off after
that.
I'm thinking maybe if I go back to doing 'Morning Pages' from Julia
Cameron's "The Artists Way" maybe that'll help.
Interestingly enough, when I spoke to one of our members a couple
weeks ago though, I was doing much better then and I hadn't meditated.
She just told me about the assignment itself and I said something to
the effect of:
"I imagine I'd feel giddy! Ecstasy would run through me! Elation! I'd
Desire to stay with that person and not leave their side *I would of
course*, but the feelings of excitement and joy would be such that I
would Desire heartily to stay in their presence because I'd feel so
'up!!' when I was around them I wouldn't Desire the 'come down effect'
that happens."
For example: when I'm going to a concert I get excited!! I mean I wake
up after only 4 or 5 hours of sleep thinking I NEED to sleep longer
but can't because I'm so excited about what the night holds. I spend
all day waiting waiting waiting! The closer it gets the more euphoric
I get and by the time we're climbing out of my Dad's car and walking
towards the building I've got butterflies whooping in my stomach! I
hear the music pounding and people talking cluttered near the open
door and smell the cigarette smoke from the designated smoking area
outside and feel like sprinting past everyone into the building! When
we get in the first door and I'm standing with my ID out waiting to
have it checked and get a wristband put on it's almost too much for me
to bear! It's like my brain is on overload and almost shuts down as a
coping mechanism. It's almost too much. When we get our IDS' checked
and wristbands on and head inside I smell smoke and alcohol and hear
tons of hooting and hollering, some people are already drunk and
though I'm not a huge fan of being around drunk people the euphoria of
knowing I'll meet the band after they play outweighs any feeling of
discomfort or nervousness the drunk people would normally evoke in me.
Then there's being in the mosh pit itself, the feel of bodies on
bodies, but not slamming or crowd surfing. . . rather the people that
tend to cluster around me are more LIKE me so our bodies rub together
and bounce up and down and sway side to side together. It's like we're
moving as one person, one body, of one mind and one feeling! All is
forgotten, whether it's an aching ankle or the need for a bathroom,
whatever it is, I forget it. After the show is over I hit another even
higher state of euphoria waiting for the band to come out. I RUN to
the bathroom and pray the whole time that the line won't be too large
by the time I get there. While I needed the restroom, it's also
keeping me away from my true Desire, too be near the band, hug them,
shake their hands, thank them. In the case of a lead singer it's
keeping me from sharing more than just a 'hi' with them, keeping me
from connecting on a wildly deep level with them, hearing their voice,
touching and being touched by them *whether it be physically or
emotionally and it's almost always both*.
After the meet and greet as we're leaving, there's a part of me that
longs to do it all over again, too stay longer spend more time, get
closer. . .
So I write all this to say I imagine that is what being with my
soulmate would be like. Only, since I'd be with them forever, the ebb
and flow would be different. There would be concert highs brawn out
for weeks followed by a plateau for weeks or months followed by
another great high.
The plateau happens in the concert when a band comes out that I'm not
interested in. And as I said, when we're leaving part of me is longing
for it to never end. Another part of me goes into review mode and I
usually can't come home and go straight to sleep. I have to eat, to
relax to evaluate everything the singer said and everything I said.
As for that blasted psa, I know it had nothing to do with the
meditation at hand. . . however, if I felt like analyzing, and I do, I
analyze EVERYTHING, I'd say it represents my fear of intimacy, of
closeness, of dropping my guard to ANYONE who doesn't already know me.
The trick about me is: I can tell you anything and I mean ANYTHING.
Whether we're online or offline, I can tell you anything! But the next
time you call me I might not call back. The next time you write me, I
might not write back. So I run before you can run from me. I appear as
an open book and will tell anyone anything, but where as you might
think: "She really trusts me. I feel honored." I might be thinking:
"Ok, said too much, time to make a break for it!"
This doesn't always happen and it happens with women much less than
men, but it still happens.