My 2012 As I Desired It At The Time

Originally written:
Sun, Dec 11, 2011 at 9:30 AM

What is your theme for 2012? What does it mean to you?
Starting over.
Starting over means rebuilding from the ground up. Creating a new
foundation for me to stand on. A stable one!

Let's talk about the future...

How do you feel in 2012?
I feel energized, invigorated, revitalized!

What were your highlights?
Going to at least one concert a month and getting swept up in all the energy!!
Seeing ELI and SHAUN out on the road again and being smothered in love
and affection from both of them!!
Meeting my benefactor/benefactress!!
I still feel incredibly honored and amazed that they've chosen me!! I
KNEW I had a message, I KNEW my words were important, but actually
having them back me took me to a whole new level of confidence!! It
isn't enough to KNOW something, I've actually had to see myself in
action to realize just how 'fucking brilliant' I really am and let me
say, I. AM. FUCKING BRILLIANT!!!
Holding all the Babies I've gotten to hold this year and ending the
year Pregnant myself!!! At the beginning of the year even I had no
idea what was coming and I believed 2012 was MY YEAR!!
Moving to San Antonio in April and meeting tons of hot partners during
the week of Fiesta 19th through the 27th!! The energy was so amazing
here in San Antonio! Screw New Year's Eve, this is where the real
party was at!!! This place was even more alive than I imagined!!! The
people, the food, the energy of the crowds, the enthusiasm of the
bands, it was like one giant Christmas gift just for ME!!!
I have a house about a block from the River Walk!! I can come out my
door every morning and be right in the thick of it!!! Sadie has
adapted beyond my wildest dreams!! I found her a trainer who gets her
quirky CockerSpaniel ways and she's no longer eating paper and sheets,
not to mention she actually alerts me when she has to go outside and
when we do go out I don't have to put her on a leash because she
always comes back!!!! I've even got her in a play group with other
Cockers and she is just blowing me away with her social skills!!
KittyKitty is typical KittyKitty, though she has made SLIGHT room in
her heart for a Kitten I adopted the first week I was here and named
Fluffy. We had a Rabbit named Fluffy and this Kitten's fur is like
Rabbit's fur I swear!! On top of all that, I'm doing work I DESIRED to
do all along!!! I have three days a week at an animal shelter teaching
Dogs and Cats how to trust people again. I've created my own nitch
here petting and holding and coaxing. I only give baths to the
non-picky ones and NEVER clean up the mess! Smile. What could be
better than that? Speaking of cleaning I have a maid to clean my house
and a chef who takes care of all the cooking! It's amazing how I can
eat well and be happy at the same time without having to lift a finger
to do it myself!! Though I do cook, because I love it! In fact, there
was the night the chef and I hooked up and made chocolate cake. . .
however that's x-rated!! Hahahaha!! A striking Mexican man with
dreadlocks down to his butt and an accent that could melt the
bitchiest of Women. . . and those hands, don't get me started on those
hands!! I have two days with Babies in the NICU, rocking, comforting
and just being there for them. I'm always shocked at how many parents
just take off. Then again there are some truly amazing parents who
stick around and genuinely care for their children and I'm touched and
inspired by their presence. The last two days are spent with Babies in
the regular nursery. Their so darn adorable!!! I could just eat them
up whole!!! That Baby smell, the sounds they make and those tiny
cries!! Sometimes they cry and I tear up just hearing them! It's like
Christmas every day of the year!
I couldn't ask for anything better than this!! I have an editor for my
book, "The Messenger Unveiled", she's been AMAZING at helping me get
everything in order!! In return I've been her babysitter and
confidant. No small feat for a Woman who has a story of her own to
share. I've told her I'd love to help her get it out on paper!!
So I said I was Pregnant earlier. Olivia Marie is her name and I'm 6
months along as I type this!! I'm glad, I didn't Desire her to be born
in January!! It's a rip off! The only thing worse would have been
giving birth to her on Christmas Eve/Day!! She deserves all the
presents she can get and this way she will!! Her Dad, ELIAS *no
relation to ELI SORIANO unfortunately* is one amazing lover and
provider!! The minute he found out I was Pregnant he started providing
and he didn't even have to!! Considering my lack of sexual experiences
I haven't settled down with him, but I'm thrilled to know he's Livia's
Daddy! I couldn't have picked a better choice!! He completely
understood where I was coming from right from the start and has been
nothing but supportive!! Then there's Juan who is hilarious!! It's not
even his Baby and he kisses my belly and sings songs to her!! He calls
her his little M&M!! Emma is my OTHER BFF!! We're girlfriends and
girlfriends! Lol. She to adores my girls, buys them little gifts and
treats them like their hers! She also understands that they are part
of my "FAMILY", just because their two Cats and a Dog has no baring on
it whatsoever! I to have a wider social group, I'd say I have about
four friends who are TRUE FRIENDS, people I can call on in my hour of
need. I have so many Christmas parties to attend it's not even funny!!
I look back on last year and still find it hard to wrap my head around
all the amazing change that has gone down!! It really is incredible!!

What was your primary emotion?
GREAT!! Indescribably guuuuurrrrreeeeaaaatttt like Tony the Tiger!
Smile. I have been so filled with joy and happiness and over the top
loopiness I sometimes wonder if I'll ever come down!

Did you experience any big changes?
Um. . . My whole life has changed!! I have invitations to parties as I
said, I have a super close group of friends who I can rely on, my core
group and then a wider ranging network of friends who share my
interest in music, Babies, animals, cooking and TV watching!! I'm
Pregnant!!!! I have an incredible sex life and my life on the whole is
fantastic!!

What is in your life than wasn't before?
A core group of friends, not just ONE go to friend whom I hang all my
shit on! I have people Desiring to serve me whether it's something as
simple as dinner or as elaborate as a tantric sexual experience!! I'm
making connections with groups of people doing humanitarian work and
planning a trip to Africa after Olivia is born! Right now we're just
working out the kinks! I'll have my first ever passport in my hands!!
I've never had need for a passport before!! The biggest thing that's
in my life that wasn't before though is LOVE!! When I say that I mean
a LOVE for and of life! I actually believe life is worth living now! I
believe I have a place here, I'm serving the greater good, I AM A
WORTHWHILE PERSON because I'm doing something to help the world!!

What are your core values? Name at least 5.
FREEDOM!, open lines of communication, trustworthiness, honesty, being
respected as a confident well-adapted person.

What passions did you pursue?
Working with Babies and animals, working on birthing my book and I've
even hooked up with a hard rock cover band! They think I'm an awesome
singer and have asked me to sing for them this weekend at 'The Shop'!!

Let's take a look at these areas of your life.

Personal: Self-esteem, Exploring, Travel, contribution, creativity
I feel like I've written it all before, but my self-esteem is quite
high considering I'm doing my life's work now!! I feel stable and
happy. no, thrilled to be living!! I'm traveling to Africa and who
knows what's after that! The door is wide open!! My next Desired trip
would be to China! I feel like I've contributed ALOT over the past
year!! I look back over the year and sometimes find myself overwhelmed
by the enormity of what I've done! I am one incredible Goddess!! And
creativity!! I've been painting and singing up a storm!! I dance so
hard I've had to take it down a couple notches with Olivia in here!!
Lol. No more jumping and bouncing till my ribs and entire torso ache
and burn with the pain of a fabulous night out!!

Social: family, friends, significant others, etc.
I've created MY OWN family!! My family consists of my friends, my four
girls and anyone I choose to call "FAMILY". Of course there's my blood
family, but now that I'm out on my own I can have MY family as I
Desire it!!
I have my four core group of friends who I can rely on for anything
and an extended network of friends to big to count!! I feel buried in
love, soaked and covered in it! I don't have 'a' significant other!
I've let go of the idea of ONE person for the moment simply because
I've come here and found waaaay to many beautiful people to just
settle down with ONE! Having said that, I feel the freedom that comes
with NOT being bogged down by 'tradition'! I'm creating my own
tradition and I love it!!

Spiritual: Life purpose, meditation, church, prayer, higher power
My life's purpose isn't one thing. However, for the purpose of boiling
it down into one definition, but that would cover a huge depth and
breadth. . . it is to be of service to others. Now whether that good
is rocking an Aids infected Baby or helping an elderly Woman get
something off a shelf or going down and joining in the clean up the
river project for Earth Day doesn't matter. It all fits under the
umbrella of being in service to others.
Meditation is what it is. I'm not a traditional person, never have
been, but then again everyone's meditation is different anyway. The
closest I get is taking a horseback ride, petting my animals or
sitting in a rocking chair holding and caressing my Pregnant belly for
an hour. Their my forms of meditation.
I don't attend traditional church, nor do I tend towards prayer very
often. I live by the morals that I identify with.
Examples:
Treat others how you want to be treated.
I don't engage in activities that would knowingly or intentionally
cause harm *bodily or otherwise* to others.
As for a higher power, Goddess/God *Mother/Father*.

Physical: Health, body image, style, personal environment, sexuality
My health is probably the best it's been since I was aprox. 8 and the
doctors told my mom I was at a healthy weight! I walk and swim and
dance my booty off! I even have a beeper ball so I can play volley
ball or beach ball with my family!
My body image is also quite high!! My hair is long down past my lower
back, my nails are kick-ass and I'm glowing like I just had the best
sex of my life even when I haven't! Lol. I take my vitamins and take
care of myself and Olivia!!
My style is what it is. I like fluffy and furry and glittery and
sparkly! I'm still in band tees and stretch shorts and pants! I've got
dresses and skirts, long and flowy and short and showy!! I'm a mixed
bag and I haven't changed a bit!
My house is filled with Mexican furniture and art that I can feel and
take Pleasure in every time I sit in it/touch it!! I didn't buy any
piece without actually thinking about it first! I have two beds
because I couldn't decide on a select comfort or a tempurpedic! Lol.
And I'm still considering a canopy bed because I love those to!
Then again I have a lover with a canopy bed so. . . I don't really
need one when I've got his. Hahahaha!!

Professional: Career, passion, etc.
My passions are quite intertwined as we've discussed before, so my
career is caring for Babies and animals!! Public speaking will hit
that list soon as my book gets published in 2013!!

Financial: Debt, savings, security, abundance, etc.
I'm proud to say I had no debt before because I had no credit and I
couldn't really accrue debt without a credit card!! Having said that I
am still debt free and my Desire is to remain so!! I am currently
saving up my SSI, they don't know about my benefactors, risky but I do
what I have to do, and when my book publishes and I kick the ass right
out of the public speaking world I'll be even more in the black!!!
I have the abundance of Bill Gates, or so it seems and after "The
Messenger Unveiled" is published it shall be so!


--
Sadie Marie Medina!
Original birthdate unnone.
First birthday with us: 2/15/2009
Welcome home baby!
Gracie Marie Medina
Best Doggie Daughter of them all!
Original birthdate unnone.
First birthday with us 4/11/02.
Died Friday 1/23/09 4:35PM.
Mommy misses you baby!

Dreams

ORIGINALLY POSTED AT MY PINK POSSE BLOG ON OR NEAR
Mon, Aug 2, 2010 at 7:40 AM
NOTE: HAS BEEN ALTERED.

My dreams are usually more goofy then scary, although I've had a few
doozies. I've drempt that my mother got arrested, that one was sad. I
drempt that our house caught on fire & we had to live in the playhouse
Dad made us. That one was funny, just because trying to imagine
cramming my than family of 4 into a playhouse that was filled to
capacity with playthings was just funny. I also had a dream that my
mother married rush limbaugh! Ahem, can all of you say scary? Now that
woulda been scary! Our family are Democrats, not republicans as he is.
Lolz!

I drempt one time that my than cat & dog, Snowball & Grace were ill &
I couldn't get a hold of any of the vets. I called every vet I could
think of but couldn't get any of them to answer! The odd thing is,
that was in 2008. By the end of the next year, 2009, both Grace &
Snowball had died of heart problems. *&, I wasn't able to get either
of them to the vet fast enough. Grace couldn't be seen until after 5PM
& she died at 4:35 & Snowball had an appointment for Tuesday December
2nd, but died the day before Thanksgiving.* I had another dream that
my best friend Holly & I were back at our old school. We went into the
bathroom & someone came in with a gun & started trying to shoot Holly.
We were in one of the stalls, the door was closed & I had pushed her
up against the back wall & was running from one side of the stall to
the other, kind of zig-zagging with the bullets as they came through
so she wouldn't be hit. I HATED those 2!! They were the worst dreams
I've ever had, without question!

& finally, I've saved my best for last:
For those of you who know what 3's Company is, a show that ran from
aprox. 1977-1986, it starred Joyce DeWitt as Janet, John Riter as Jack
Tripper, & Suzanne Somers as the ditsy blonde Crissie Snow,
originally. & then in later seasons kept Janet & Jack, but gave them
new roommates, first Cindy Snow *Crissie's cousin* & finally Terry
Hall the nurse & their last Landlord Mister Furley. Well anyway,
there's an episode where this guy Wally is looking for Jack. Jack was
always doing something dumb, hitting on women who already had
boyfriends, lying & pretending to be someone he wasn't, & other funny
stuff like that. So this Wally dude is looking for Jack & he & Janet &
Terry go to visit one of their families, someone who owns a farm.
Don't remember whether it was someone in Jack's family, Janet's family
or Terry's. But anyway, Jack adopts this Southern down-home accent as
Zeek, & Janet adopts one as well, pretending to be his wife. Somehow
Wally finds them, their cover gets blown & some serious hilarity
ensues! Amazing they could cram all that into a half-hour TV show,
right? Well anyway, Mister Furley is also along on this trip & while
he pretends to have a backbone that's hard as a rock, he's really
spineless when confronted with any type of danger. Lol.
So here's where my dream about these sitcom characters gets really
crazy. In the show, everything works out fine & Wally is the dangerous
one. As I said, Jack & Mister Furley don't have spines really to stand
up to anyone. So in my dream, the one you'd least expect to be the
aggressor is MR. Furley. . . Well, he does become the agressor in my
dream & decides to chase the 3 roommates down with a chain saw! Lol.
Talk about frightening! Here he is on the show, this harmless old guy
& in my dream he comes to life as a murderer! Lol. I could never
figure out why the heck I drempt that. As for Wally, he disappeared
completely in my dream, so I'm figuring that's how Mr. Furley became
the aggressor.
Alright, I'm done sharing now. Lol.
Chelle

Memories

ORIGINALLY POSTED AT MY PINK POSSE BLOG ON OR NEAR
Tue, Jun 29, 2010 at 11:18 PM


My memories hurt me.
I should be able to relive the past & feel happy, but the majority of
the time I can't.
I remember my sister as a child.
I helped feed her. I rocked her, played with her, made funny faces at her.
She had this fuzzy rattle with a hand hold. Whenever I tried to take
it away from her, she would growl at me!
That should make me smile, & it does for a second. But now we're so
far apart a rattle won't bring us back together.
She's too much like my mother & I'm too much like my father. It's like
oil & water.
We just aren't anymore.
I remember the day she came home crying her eyes out because her
friends wouldn't let me be a part of their club.
Now, she wouldn't want me to be part of her club even if she had one.
I remember Dad playing legos with me & taking me to the park.
After Becca came along, that all stopped.
I remember mom playing Egbert. It was kind of like Barney, someone I
could tell all my thoughts to, no matter what those thoughts might be.
She even had this voice & everything.
I remember her bouncing me on her knees & singing:
"This is the way the ladies ride, the ladies ride, the ladies ride,
This is the way the ladies ride so early in the morning."
She'd go through the gentlemen & the farmers & when she got to the
soldiers I always thought I'd fly off her lap!
That was fast back then.
I remember her singing other songs to. She had it. I used to be so
impressed! She new all the words & she could actually carry a tune!
That was soooo cool!
I remember digging for worms in the summer & toads & frogs. Catching
grasshoppers & butterflies, picking cattails & exploring the woods
with her.
Finding all the pussywillows & moss on the trees, she let me touch everything!
Everything was new & smelled so good & sweet & clean!
It was the closest to heaven you'll ever get on earth.
I remember skipping rocks with my cousins, before they all grew up &
left me to my own devices.
I remember sledding with Mark my brother & falling through the ice in
the ditch! Oops! Lol.
I remember him babysitting us & listening to all his rap music.
Mom woulda killed him if she'd known back then! The thought still
makes me smile.
I had an imaginary friend named of all things, Turpentine! Lol. I
actually thought that was a rockin name back then!
We had this table with the flaps on it. In other words, if you pulled
the flaps up & into place, the table was bigger. Then when you didn't
need them anymore, you just pulled them down.
I used to go under the table to play with Turpentine. I would push
them up, but not all the way, just to hear them bang when they came
down. I liked the clatter. Lol.
I remember a time when I was actually thrilled to go to school!
I had this horse that I'd bounce up & down on, & it would go squealing
around the yard. It made so much noise! Lol.
I'd bound down the driveway on that thing when the school bus came!
That was pre-school. I went from 2 & a half until I was 5, then onto
kindergarten. Blah!!
I was so excited, I can't even put it into words for you. I was
addicted to swimming & swinging & being pulled around on my scooter or
bouncing around on one of those huge (at the time they seemed huge)
exercise balls with the handle.
They had what reminded me of a big air mattress, & they blow it up &
we'd all jump up & down & play around on it.
When gym class was over, they'd let all the air out & we'd roll around
on it to make sure it was all out. We used to eat PB&J's for lunch, &
I remember having chocolate milk with it & thinking:
"This doesn't go together. . ."
But now I'd kind of like to taste it again, just to remember it better.
We played with beeper balls & shaving cream! Shaving cream was one of
my favorite things in the world!!
Then I went to public schools & started getting the snot beat out of me.
My cousins grew up & took off to have their own lives & never looked back.
Becca came along & everything changed. Then we moved across the street
from our old house & she got friends & everything changed.
Mark left to eventually & now he's dead & things will never be the same.
Even Dad changed after the split. He grew up just a bit & will tell me
I have to grow up to.
I refuse. I may be 24, but I had practically my entire childhood taken
from me! I won't let anyone take away my adultchildhood to!
Even being best friends with Holly has changed. We were going to go to
college together, be roomies, blah blah blah.
But none of that happened.
& now I remember all these things & I wish I could forget them,
because they don't feel good anymore! They hurt!
It's like everything's bad. The bad things are bad & the good things
are bad to, because everything's painful.
Everything hurts & I wish I could just wipe my memory clean of
everything until the day I woke up & said:
"Ok, I'm ready to move forward now."
But how do you move forward when you're constantly reminded of the
past. Or, at the very least, how do you make tainted memories
untainted, so you can remember without feeling like your heart's being
crushed in a vice?
Michelle