My 2012 As I Desired It At The Time

Originally written:
Sun, Dec 11, 2011 at 9:30 AM

What is your theme for 2012? What does it mean to you?
Starting over.
Starting over means rebuilding from the ground up. Creating a new
foundation for me to stand on. A stable one!

Let's talk about the future...

How do you feel in 2012?
I feel energized, invigorated, revitalized!

What were your highlights?
Going to at least one concert a month and getting swept up in all the energy!!
Seeing ELI and SHAUN out on the road again and being smothered in love
and affection from both of them!!
Meeting my benefactor/benefactress!!
I still feel incredibly honored and amazed that they've chosen me!! I
KNEW I had a message, I KNEW my words were important, but actually
having them back me took me to a whole new level of confidence!! It
isn't enough to KNOW something, I've actually had to see myself in
action to realize just how 'fucking brilliant' I really am and let me
say, I. AM. FUCKING BRILLIANT!!!
Holding all the Babies I've gotten to hold this year and ending the
year Pregnant myself!!! At the beginning of the year even I had no
idea what was coming and I believed 2012 was MY YEAR!!
Moving to San Antonio in April and meeting tons of hot partners during
the week of Fiesta 19th through the 27th!! The energy was so amazing
here in San Antonio! Screw New Year's Eve, this is where the real
party was at!!! This place was even more alive than I imagined!!! The
people, the food, the energy of the crowds, the enthusiasm of the
bands, it was like one giant Christmas gift just for ME!!!
I have a house about a block from the River Walk!! I can come out my
door every morning and be right in the thick of it!!! Sadie has
adapted beyond my wildest dreams!! I found her a trainer who gets her
quirky CockerSpaniel ways and she's no longer eating paper and sheets,
not to mention she actually alerts me when she has to go outside and
when we do go out I don't have to put her on a leash because she
always comes back!!!! I've even got her in a play group with other
Cockers and she is just blowing me away with her social skills!!
KittyKitty is typical KittyKitty, though she has made SLIGHT room in
her heart for a Kitten I adopted the first week I was here and named
Fluffy. We had a Rabbit named Fluffy and this Kitten's fur is like
Rabbit's fur I swear!! On top of all that, I'm doing work I DESIRED to
do all along!!! I have three days a week at an animal shelter teaching
Dogs and Cats how to trust people again. I've created my own nitch
here petting and holding and coaxing. I only give baths to the
non-picky ones and NEVER clean up the mess! Smile. What could be
better than that? Speaking of cleaning I have a maid to clean my house
and a chef who takes care of all the cooking! It's amazing how I can
eat well and be happy at the same time without having to lift a finger
to do it myself!! Though I do cook, because I love it! In fact, there
was the night the chef and I hooked up and made chocolate cake. . .
however that's x-rated!! Hahahaha!! A striking Mexican man with
dreadlocks down to his butt and an accent that could melt the
bitchiest of Women. . . and those hands, don't get me started on those
hands!! I have two days with Babies in the NICU, rocking, comforting
and just being there for them. I'm always shocked at how many parents
just take off. Then again there are some truly amazing parents who
stick around and genuinely care for their children and I'm touched and
inspired by their presence. The last two days are spent with Babies in
the regular nursery. Their so darn adorable!!! I could just eat them
up whole!!! That Baby smell, the sounds they make and those tiny
cries!! Sometimes they cry and I tear up just hearing them! It's like
Christmas every day of the year!
I couldn't ask for anything better than this!! I have an editor for my
book, "The Messenger Unveiled", she's been AMAZING at helping me get
everything in order!! In return I've been her babysitter and
confidant. No small feat for a Woman who has a story of her own to
share. I've told her I'd love to help her get it out on paper!!
So I said I was Pregnant earlier. Olivia Marie is her name and I'm 6
months along as I type this!! I'm glad, I didn't Desire her to be born
in January!! It's a rip off! The only thing worse would have been
giving birth to her on Christmas Eve/Day!! She deserves all the
presents she can get and this way she will!! Her Dad, ELIAS *no
relation to ELI SORIANO unfortunately* is one amazing lover and
provider!! The minute he found out I was Pregnant he started providing
and he didn't even have to!! Considering my lack of sexual experiences
I haven't settled down with him, but I'm thrilled to know he's Livia's
Daddy! I couldn't have picked a better choice!! He completely
understood where I was coming from right from the start and has been
nothing but supportive!! Then there's Juan who is hilarious!! It's not
even his Baby and he kisses my belly and sings songs to her!! He calls
her his little M&M!! Emma is my OTHER BFF!! We're girlfriends and
girlfriends! Lol. She to adores my girls, buys them little gifts and
treats them like their hers! She also understands that they are part
of my "FAMILY", just because their two Cats and a Dog has no baring on
it whatsoever! I to have a wider social group, I'd say I have about
four friends who are TRUE FRIENDS, people I can call on in my hour of
need. I have so many Christmas parties to attend it's not even funny!!
I look back on last year and still find it hard to wrap my head around
all the amazing change that has gone down!! It really is incredible!!

What was your primary emotion?
GREAT!! Indescribably guuuuurrrrreeeeaaaatttt like Tony the Tiger!
Smile. I have been so filled with joy and happiness and over the top
loopiness I sometimes wonder if I'll ever come down!

Did you experience any big changes?
Um. . . My whole life has changed!! I have invitations to parties as I
said, I have a super close group of friends who I can rely on, my core
group and then a wider ranging network of friends who share my
interest in music, Babies, animals, cooking and TV watching!! I'm
Pregnant!!!! I have an incredible sex life and my life on the whole is
fantastic!!

What is in your life than wasn't before?
A core group of friends, not just ONE go to friend whom I hang all my
shit on! I have people Desiring to serve me whether it's something as
simple as dinner or as elaborate as a tantric sexual experience!! I'm
making connections with groups of people doing humanitarian work and
planning a trip to Africa after Olivia is born! Right now we're just
working out the kinks! I'll have my first ever passport in my hands!!
I've never had need for a passport before!! The biggest thing that's
in my life that wasn't before though is LOVE!! When I say that I mean
a LOVE for and of life! I actually believe life is worth living now! I
believe I have a place here, I'm serving the greater good, I AM A
WORTHWHILE PERSON because I'm doing something to help the world!!

What are your core values? Name at least 5.
FREEDOM!, open lines of communication, trustworthiness, honesty, being
respected as a confident well-adapted person.

What passions did you pursue?
Working with Babies and animals, working on birthing my book and I've
even hooked up with a hard rock cover band! They think I'm an awesome
singer and have asked me to sing for them this weekend at 'The Shop'!!

Let's take a look at these areas of your life.

Personal: Self-esteem, Exploring, Travel, contribution, creativity
I feel like I've written it all before, but my self-esteem is quite
high considering I'm doing my life's work now!! I feel stable and
happy. no, thrilled to be living!! I'm traveling to Africa and who
knows what's after that! The door is wide open!! My next Desired trip
would be to China! I feel like I've contributed ALOT over the past
year!! I look back over the year and sometimes find myself overwhelmed
by the enormity of what I've done! I am one incredible Goddess!! And
creativity!! I've been painting and singing up a storm!! I dance so
hard I've had to take it down a couple notches with Olivia in here!!
Lol. No more jumping and bouncing till my ribs and entire torso ache
and burn with the pain of a fabulous night out!!

Social: family, friends, significant others, etc.
I've created MY OWN family!! My family consists of my friends, my four
girls and anyone I choose to call "FAMILY". Of course there's my blood
family, but now that I'm out on my own I can have MY family as I
Desire it!!
I have my four core group of friends who I can rely on for anything
and an extended network of friends to big to count!! I feel buried in
love, soaked and covered in it! I don't have 'a' significant other!
I've let go of the idea of ONE person for the moment simply because
I've come here and found waaaay to many beautiful people to just
settle down with ONE! Having said that, I feel the freedom that comes
with NOT being bogged down by 'tradition'! I'm creating my own
tradition and I love it!!

Spiritual: Life purpose, meditation, church, prayer, higher power
My life's purpose isn't one thing. However, for the purpose of boiling
it down into one definition, but that would cover a huge depth and
breadth. . . it is to be of service to others. Now whether that good
is rocking an Aids infected Baby or helping an elderly Woman get
something off a shelf or going down and joining in the clean up the
river project for Earth Day doesn't matter. It all fits under the
umbrella of being in service to others.
Meditation is what it is. I'm not a traditional person, never have
been, but then again everyone's meditation is different anyway. The
closest I get is taking a horseback ride, petting my animals or
sitting in a rocking chair holding and caressing my Pregnant belly for
an hour. Their my forms of meditation.
I don't attend traditional church, nor do I tend towards prayer very
often. I live by the morals that I identify with.
Examples:
Treat others how you want to be treated.
I don't engage in activities that would knowingly or intentionally
cause harm *bodily or otherwise* to others.
As for a higher power, Goddess/God *Mother/Father*.

Physical: Health, body image, style, personal environment, sexuality
My health is probably the best it's been since I was aprox. 8 and the
doctors told my mom I was at a healthy weight! I walk and swim and
dance my booty off! I even have a beeper ball so I can play volley
ball or beach ball with my family!
My body image is also quite high!! My hair is long down past my lower
back, my nails are kick-ass and I'm glowing like I just had the best
sex of my life even when I haven't! Lol. I take my vitamins and take
care of myself and Olivia!!
My style is what it is. I like fluffy and furry and glittery and
sparkly! I'm still in band tees and stretch shorts and pants! I've got
dresses and skirts, long and flowy and short and showy!! I'm a mixed
bag and I haven't changed a bit!
My house is filled with Mexican furniture and art that I can feel and
take Pleasure in every time I sit in it/touch it!! I didn't buy any
piece without actually thinking about it first! I have two beds
because I couldn't decide on a select comfort or a tempurpedic! Lol.
And I'm still considering a canopy bed because I love those to!
Then again I have a lover with a canopy bed so. . . I don't really
need one when I've got his. Hahahaha!!

Professional: Career, passion, etc.
My passions are quite intertwined as we've discussed before, so my
career is caring for Babies and animals!! Public speaking will hit
that list soon as my book gets published in 2013!!

Financial: Debt, savings, security, abundance, etc.
I'm proud to say I had no debt before because I had no credit and I
couldn't really accrue debt without a credit card!! Having said that I
am still debt free and my Desire is to remain so!! I am currently
saving up my SSI, they don't know about my benefactors, risky but I do
what I have to do, and when my book publishes and I kick the ass right
out of the public speaking world I'll be even more in the black!!!
I have the abundance of Bill Gates, or so it seems and after "The
Messenger Unveiled" is published it shall be so!


--
Sadie Marie Medina!
Original birthdate unnone.
First birthday with us: 2/15/2009
Welcome home baby!
Gracie Marie Medina
Best Doggie Daughter of them all!
Original birthdate unnone.
First birthday with us 4/11/02.
Died Friday 1/23/09 4:35PM.
Mommy misses you baby!

Week 1: Lesson 5, My Desires

I Desire to be pregnant with a Baby girl!!
I Desire a fulfilling career working with both human and animal Babies!
I Desire a secondary career of public speaking, educating people about
numerous things ranging from people who are facially disfigured or
visually impaired to bullying and why it's so harmful to a child's
psyche and should be taken extremely seriously and dealt with
immediately!
I Desire for there ALWAYS to be music in my life, concerts with my
favorite artists as well as having a band of my own for fun, a band
that takes songs like "Smells Like Teen Spirit" Nirvana, and plays
them on pianos, cellos, violins, flutes, using instruments to play
rock songs that you wouldn't typically expect to be used!
I Desire to have material possessions with stories behind them, that
are important to me, not just there to show off how wealthy my family
is!
I Desire money on a grand scale, think Bill Gates kind of money, that
I may provide to fund research and cures for diseases, to build
schools for children here and abroad, to create rehab facilities for
drug addicts and alcoholics, homeless shelters for the homeless, no
kill animal shelters for cats dogs horses and other domesticated
animals in need, more trauma centers, environmental facilities. . .
Enough money to help make this world a better place in any way
possible.
I Desire sexual experimentation with both sexes and ultimately a
loving home, a place of unconditional love between myself and a
partner or partners *just depending upon how my sexuality plays
herself out during exploration*.
I Desire feelings of ecstasy in my life, to wake up in the morning and
feel utterly fulfilled!!
I Desire many adopted Children, at least 3 perhaps more!
I Desire to feel needed, loved and cherished, accepted, respected and
adored, valued, like my opinion matters and like I am a genuine member
of my community both locally and world wide. Like I am part of a
global community that sincerely Desires to grow and expand, to be
accepting and inclusive, open and trusting, loving and welcoming!
I Desire to feel that there is a more equal distribution between
myself and my immediate family and my world wide family, that I am
giving 60 and their giving 40 or 55/45!

New Year's Day Desire!

I've been playing with the idea of writing out my new year since before November hit, but I didn't get around to it.
You know, waiting for the 'right time', thinking about HOW I was going to write it, something that really needs no consideration since it's MY diary and noone else's! Finally, I rarely keep up with this blog as it is, so there's no guarantee of anything!!
On that note though, I think I have something worked out for me to write out my New Year.
Sunday January 1st 2012
Today I'm recovering from a pretty kick-ass New Year's Eve spent with my BFF Holly!
We spent Saturday night listening to a throw back playlist she helped me create!
Tunes were varied but included:
1. NIRVANA, "SMELLS LIKE TEEN SPIRIT, POLLY, BREED, SOMETHING IN THE WAY and RAPE ME"!
2. NIN, "CLOSER"!!
3. AIC, "ANGRY CHAIR, WOULD, and ROOSTER"!
4. RATM, "Killing In The Name Of"!
5. PJ, "BLACK, BETTERMAN, and INDIFFERENCE"!
6. P.O.D, "Youth Of The Nation!
7. Smashing Pumpkins, "Bullet With Butterfly Wings, Ever Lasting Gaze and Ava Adore"!
8. Korn, "Freak On A Leash, Adidas, Make Me Bad, and Alone I Break"!
9. Marcy Playground, "Sex And Candy"!
10. The Vervepipe, "Freshmen"!
11. Linkin Park, "Crawling, In The End, Breaking The Habit!
12. Susanne Vega, "Tom's Diner"!
13. Eminem, "My Name Is"!!
14. The Spice Girls, "Say You'll Be There, Love Thang,"!!
15. Duncan Sheik, "I Am Bearly Breathing"!!
16. The Afghan Wigs, "Gentleman"!
17. Foo Fighters, "Everlong, It's You I Fell Into"!!
18. Our Lady Peace, "One Man Army, Superman"!!
19. "Fuel, "A Million Miles, Sunburn"!!
20. Live, "I Alone, Freaks"!!
21. Tupac, "I Get Around, California Love"!!
22. Biggie, "Hypnotize, Mo Money Mo Problems"
23. Snoop Dog, "Gin and Juice,"!!
24. Warren G, "Regulator"!!
25. Tool, 46 and 2, Anema, Sober and Parabol/Parabola"!!
26. APC, "Judith, Orestes, Weak and Powerless"!!
27. SOAD, "Spiders, Sugar"!
28. Disturbed, "Down With The Sickness, Shout 2000"!!
29. STP, "Interstate Love Song, Big Empty"!!
And of course, I could go on forever, so we'll just leave it at various and sundry other throwbacks to the 90's/early 2000's!!
Point is we sat around talking, making plans for the New Year and just enjoying the 'back in the day' feeling of it all!!
I must confess to feeling stunningly optomistic and I don't think it gets any better then this!!
I love being around her because she helps me get the wheels turning in my head when I seem to struggle. She helps me clean out the bullshit and get down to the nitty gritty. She doesn't necessarily focus on the 'how', she encourages me to dream and she throws out suggestions when she thinks I need them. Sometimes we disagree, I think I need them and she doesn't, but that's neither here nor there!!! Lol.
I explained to her a few weeks ago that 2012 was my year! This was it, I was finally sure it was, so I was going to throw my back into it and if by January 14th 2013 I hadn't made any progress towards my goals, huge and wide ranging as they are I was going to kill myself.
To most this may seem counter-productive, but for me it has laid the foundation for something new to occur. Reason being that I don't feel trapped anymore, don't feel like this is going to be never ending. It has an ending and because I see that it won't go on forever I feel like it leaves me open to growth, movement and change.
So we talked about said growth, movement and change last night.
I say recovering because we were up rather late and covered what I felt like was ALOT of ground. It's amazing how talking with someone helps you straighten out all the wild thoughts running around in your head!
I admit it, I ordered Hungry Howie's pepperoni sub for dinner, the one Dad swears is a heartattack waiting to happen! Lol. But other than that I was fabulous!!
We played cards and marbles, even broke out a few games we hardly ever play and when midnight came we blew whistles and set off a few fireworks!! It was totally awesome! It felt like a throwback to MTV days when MTV actually stood for something!!!
It is my Desire to stand for something. . . Funny how talking about MTV brought that thought to the forefront for me.
My intention was to post this closer to the day it was written, December 20th. It's here now though and that's all that matters!!
I will tell you all, I stayed at home and watched History 2's Armageddon Week instead. I set off lots of fireworks at 12 after calling to wish Friendis a Happy New Year and that was that.
If you appreciate my story and feel moved to do so, I am requesting donations of money to make plans like this and future plans of this nature come true for myself!!!
Thank you and happy reading!
Chelle