Assignment from 2011

Old assignment from December 2011:

What are you thankful for?
Two vacations!! One to Houston/San Antonio with Holly in Febuary and
Miami just last month!

What amazing memories did you make?
Any time spent at a concert was an amazing memory!! The way that I've
felt has been indescribable!! Seeing ELIAS, having Jay Loren sign my
shirt, receiving the two live shows SHAUN and the boys recorded,
buying the album and seeing him the very night before it came out!!!
I've said it before, but that is my drug right there! It's also what
keeps me sane, without me coming home and feeling 'regret' that it
wasn't better/I wasn't such a failure. There is no way I can possibly
link it to 'I'd be out on my own if it weren't for this concert!' or
some such thought and so I come home feeling as fabulous as I did the
first time I came home from a show! Even if they initially cause
strife between my Dad and I, I can easily forget it and get so lost in
the shows nothing else even matters! I Self Pleasure at least once a
day, if not twice and I even got to go to the fair again this summer.
Neither can compare to those shows. If I could get pregnant via live
music. . . . um, I'd be poppin' out Babies left and right! If I could
have a home through music, I'd have a billion homes already! If I
could have ANYTHING I Desired via music, I'd have it and more!

What are you most proud of?
I've been stepping out of my comfort zone big time, whether it was
getting up on stage in Miami or telling my sister I wouldn't put up
with her shit anymore, or just using my cane to get around Walmart
irrespective of how that makes anyone else feel.
Holly's and my relationship seems to be finding some level ground
where I'm not hurling all I've put down here at her, on her all the
time and she in turn is more apt to make time to talk on the phone and
come to shows with me. I've begun to put my relationship with my
mother, or the lack of one, to bed in a more permanent manner. Every
little thing she does/doesn't do doesn't effect me the way it used to.
I graduated VPBC which means I have new graduation memories to replace
the high school one!

What difficult things happened during the past year?
Rebecca's collapsed lung which nearly killed her, Becca moving out
*more or less the fact that it brought up feelings of abandonment and
'the past/how things used to be.' The realization that no matter how
much it is not in my Pleasure, nor my Desire, I AM alone and always
will be. Meaning, that noone else can walk in my shoes with me, and
even if their 'in my head' with me, they won't understand me
perfectly, exactly, because they aren't me, not in my skin, don't view
things the way I do. The realization that 'family' is NOT stable,
reliable or even trustworthy at times. The realization that no matter
whose remedy I take, whether it's Regina's, yours *no insult
intended*, there is no fix. It took 25 years for me to get here, so
it'll take another 25 to get anywhere and that's only if I quit
falling back into old patterns. There is nothing that happens in the
blink of an eye and unless I learn to accept that without lashing out
at others or myself I'm fucked to put it bluntly.

What disappointed me?>
Do we really Desire to touch this???? Everything. This includes my
vacations. I only say that because going on those vacations, while
good for me in the short term was not good in the longterm. I came
home feeling like I had to claw someone's eyes out and stomp on
somebody's throat to get what I Desired. Instead of calming me I got
glimpses of how it could be and than came back to this which put me
back to when I was 5-6 and hurting cats and choking my sister *in
terms of my mentality*. You can't hold a gun to the universe's head
and say 'Change or else!' because the universe will laugh in your
face. It doesn't care what your plans are or what you Desire. You do
what it wants, how it wants, and respond appropriately to situations
or it gives you the 'or else' ultimatum and you're the one bending
over, not the other way around.

Where did I fall short?
Playing the victim, being impatient, and having the shortest fuse I've
had probably ever. I'm not a gangster, but that has been my mentality,
waiting for someone to piss me off so I can beat the shit out of them.
Even Rebecca's little comments set me boiling and noone even notices
but me myself because I know my own temper. I'm laying in bed and
thinking about killing my family *Dad being the exception oddly
enough* to get what I want. If everyone were dead he'd move to Texas
just to have some kind of family. Or thinking if I just leave my
candle on all night maybe I'll get lucky and the house will burn down.
Without question my thoughts have turned suicidal and homicidal. Some
days I feel like I'm holding onto the barest threads of my humanity.
Being trapped is never a good place to be.
And being honest with people online/offline and having them have no
solution or suggestion gets twisted and I have to untwist it. Hating
hating hating! That's a huge one I've fallen short over. Being so
determined that I'll get what I want that it's eaten everything else
up in sight. Fuck family, fuck friends, just give me what I want or
get out because you are of absolutely no use to me. Another big thing
to fall short on.

What lesson did 2011 bring me...
Get your shit together, Michelle!
Reason being if I hit age 27 without having had something change
drastically, most likely a combination of somethings *moving on my
own, having more friends, beginning to create a family of my own*, I'm
prepared to be done with it all, irrespective of how valuable I
supposedly am to society and my family. January 14th, 2013, 5:45AM I'm
prepared to commit suicide by gun, pills, whatever, doesn't matter.

Because of 2011, what do you now believe...
I'm so good at holding space for two totally opposite points of view
*old and new* that people really do think I'm 'joking' when I say
things that if someone else said them they'd actually be concerned
about it.

Because of 2011, what are you currently obsessed with...
Getting out of dodge!

For 2012, I will be letting go of...
My Desire is to let go of anything/anyone who doesn't serve me/help
me/encourage me/inspire me/lift my spirits up.
Whether it be going through my harddrive and deleting everything that
isn't essential to me there, or going through my closet or my familial
relationships or anything. Nothing is out of bounds or off limits!

In 2012, these are the harmful habits I will be getting rid of...
Self hatred, self distruction, anything that involves the word self
and something harmful.

In 2012, I will do...
ANYTHING I have to/feel I have to to get out on my own.

In 2012, I will have a new-found respect or understanding for...
Time and it's lack of importance in my life unless I make it important.

In 2012, I am leaving behind...
My old family and my old self.

Too Much To Say

ORIGINALLY POSTED ON MY PINK POSSE BLOG ON OR NEAR
Wed, Jun 23, 2010 at 2:27 AM

Hello all,
I've come to the conclusion that I'm going to be buried in emails for
the rest of my life, so no point in trying to fix it! Lol. If I do,
I'll never get back to what I love doing, being at PP & that would be
truly crushing!
I have 2172 emails in my inbox, another 2000 in my media folder, &
over 1000 in my trash folder!
Anyway, there are so many things to touch on & not enough time.
It was super hot yesterday afternoon, so all I did was sleep. However,
I've been trying to get back on track, going to bed at a decent hour,
or decent for me, so 1-2AM, & up by 10 or so. I really fell off
everything as I said before when I lost my computer. I had nothing to
do all day long & nothing to do all night long either, so I slept like
a cat or dog sleeps! Lol. Now I'm trying to fix that.
I've also noticed that I seem to be extremely emotional lately. Just
reading lyrics from a sad song online will make me cry, versus hearing
it, which is normally what gets me. I'm not in the mood for ice cream,
probably a good thing, so I'm shocked by that fact! Lol. I've been
drinking two glasses of water a day, sometimes more, which is also a
good thing, because I was fighting it for a long time.
On another note entirely, I promise to get to my favorite story of
all, NONPOINT!! soon, possibly later today even. I'm dying to tell, as
I said though, I've just been buried lately!
I also have a friend to reply to, haven't talked to her in months
either, darned computer problems! Lol. I saw Fuel in concert as well,
the Friday before I saw NONPOINT, so have to dish on them a bit to.
Finally the 3 & a half days blog post & why is sexuality taboo
discussion have left me with several things to say, which I've also
been putting off. Also been listening to alot of NIRVANA lately, thank
the Lord for the ability to download files!!!, & have a number of
thoughts rolling around on that matter as well.
I need to get back to my morning pages & coating myself in lotion
after showers! I felt good when I was doing that.
In other minutia of my life, I started pulling at my nails again, but
have stopped for about 4-5 days now. I'm hoping to be able to go all
out beautiful the next time NP comes to town, which will be in the
fall! That sounds cliched, but it isn't all about that. I hurt my hip
at the SEETHER concert & I call it the Concert That Keeps On Giving,
because it still hurts! Lol. I'm pretty sure it's because of my weight
though, & not nearly as much to do with the concert itself. So I want
to lose the weight. I just need motivation, from people who are in my
backyard so to speak. Preferably living next door, & that's not
happening as I have no next door friends. Even Holly is a half hour
away & half of her summer will be spent with her boyfriend in Texas.
So I'm on my own! (cry)! Lol.
Finally, I haven't given up on my book & wish I could find some people
to read it over & revise it, as is. By that I mean, no title, no
chapters, just one big 58 page document in word. I don't have the know
how to make it pretty first. I want it "fixed" as it were for two
reasons.
1. I want to be able to look at it & say: "Ok, I wrote about this &
this & this. So I need to write about that & that & the other thing."
Secondly, if I can ever shop it around to a publisher, or even
self-publish it, I want to know I have something to shop around, as
most people in the book world are like those in the rest of the work
world & insist on conformance with their rules & regs.
Probably why I'll never end up in an office job. I wear band tees &
shorts in the summer & band tees & comfortable pants in the winter, &
if you don't like it, that's to bad!
Yes, I rebel, just not in the usual ways.
Anyway, hope everyone gets/is getting a good night's sleep!
Chelle

NIRVANA "ENDLESS NAMELESS" In Celebration of KURT!

ORIGINALLY POSTED AT MY PINK POSSE BLOG ON OR AROUND
Sat, Apr 10, 2010 at 2:02 AM

Dear Kurdt:
Today & the days before it, April 5th until your memorial day are days
to reflect & celebrate your life & lyrics. In honor of that, a lesser
known but rather spectacular song!
We love you!


Silence
Here I am
Here I am
Silent

Bright and clear
It's what I am
I have
Died

Mother, Mother, Mother, Mother

Death
With violence
Excitement
Right here

Died
Go to hell
Here I am
Right here

Ow!

No mas, no mas, no mas, no mas

Death
Is what I am
Go to hell
Go to jail
In back of that
Crime
Here I am
Take a chance
Dead!

Die!

"Endless, Nameless" KURT COBAIN

SHOCK!

I've been sharing my story with a few more people here and there lately.
The Tessier Cleft portion of my story. I know I have to clarify since there's much more to me then just one thing! Lol.

Anyway, a friend of mine was telling me that her sister had looked up some more info on Tessier Clefts and that my stats may need an update to 57 people born in this country with clefts. If that's the case I'm not sure what world stats would look like.

I started doing some research of my own tonight and came across something that is more than a little disturbing to me.

Ovbiously I was too young to remember what happened to me/how I came into the world etc.
Even my doc said: "You were born with a bilateral craniofacial cleft." but he didn't name it "Tessier". I discovered that on my own. This means that though there are 14 classifications for Tessiers, I don't know what number mine falls under. I know it is a severe one, but I do not know it's number.

Anyway, I was reading about Tessier Cleft classifications 3 and 4, two of the rarest of the rare where Tessiers are concerned.

The article is titled:
Formatting the surgical management of Tessier cleft types 3 and 4
Link:
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2825067/

In it, the writers state that if the inferior globe of the eye is not being protected the cornea must be covered in order to help prevent blindness. If not, the eye can sink and this will lead to blindness.

I realize this is all just reading and me casting about in the unknown, but because I was born in 86 and spent 4 and a half days with nurses and doctors, it got me wondering if I did in fact have eyes, the eyes were unnoticed and because the inferior globe of my eyes was not protected if they sank into my head and that's what caused me to go blind.

I've always written that I was born without eyes because that's what I was told, but reading this, that they could have sank into the sockets leads me to wonder if that is in fact what happened and if what I've been told up until now has been inaccurate.

I must confess it's extremely upsetting for me, but I would like to know if this scenario is even possible or plausible.

I suppose my next step is to get back in touch with my mother because Dad says she has the book where the nurses wrote about me while I was under their care. I would love to get in touch with a craniofacial surgeon to see if this is plausible.

Considering how sick I feel at the moment I'm wondering if this won't be more trouble than it's worth, but I do want to know.
Love all,
Goodnight.