I Brag that I worked out on the treadmill today for over an hour and have been almost every day for the past three weeks!! And when I say almost, I mean I've missed ONE day completely and there was one day where I only walked for about a half an hour!
I Brag that during my walk I spent 10 minutes spring cleaning on anger!
I Brag that after that I spent another 5 minutes or so coming up with affirmations and repeating them each 10 times!!!
These have been used by others I'm certain, but I waited and actually thought about them until they came to me!
I Brag I didn't force them out of me!
If they weren't working then I came up with something else!
These included:
"I love being healthy!"
"I deserve love!"
"I am beautiful!"
I later altered this to say:
"I am beautiful, bold, strong and confident!"
I'm usually not one for long, drawn out wordy affirmations *though this is exactly how I write letters and blog posts!!! Lol* but these felt right so I went with them irregardless of how long they were!
And:
"I shall receive all that I Desire!!"
I Brag that after my SC session I ended with a BGD as well!
I Brag that sometime last week I had expressed a Desire to untangle myself from the leader of this creation and instead retain an objective stance so that I could take advantage of BGDS and SC'ing whenever I need to.
I Brag it's working!!
I Brag at the end of my affirmations I remembered and acknowledged that I'm the only one who can determine whether or not I have a good day and I vowed to make the rest of this day as fabulous as humanly possible!!
I Desire to fill it with laughter, joy and happiness!!
I Brag I'm the shiiiiiit!!!
I Brag I found a Great Alternative radio station a couple weeks ago, 90's Alternative through radio tuner and it is Greeeeeeeaaaaaaat!!!
I Brag their playing Harvy Danger "Flag Pole Sitta" right now and I'm thrilled!!
I Brag that I got Sadie's fur cut Tuesday and she looks beautiful!!
She shivers like a chihuahua though! She's a CockerSpaniel or so they say! Lol.
She is but I pick on her since she shivers.
Rebecca calls her a squirrel and Dad calls her his little brown cow. Lol!
It's a miracle she even knows she's a Dog!
Finally, I Brag I'm in the process of making my name change legal!
I just got the paper from the Saginaw News stating that they ran the ad last Sunday!!
It actually ran last Saturday, but online it said it was updated Sunday.
So woohoo for me!!
Fingerprints and background check are already underway!
I Brag my court date is set for Monday 5/7 at 1:30!
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Saturday, March 10, 2012
To My Daughter
If you aren't interested in 'woo woo' SKIP THIS POST!
Dearest Olivia,
I have no idea where to begin with this. I've had an urge for quite some time to write this but have pushed it away. As much as I've learned about myself the past few years, about the power of positive thinking, affirmations etc, some things just still seem 'over the top.'
On Monday March 5th 2012 though, something happened that I COULDN'T ignore.
I was diagnosed as having polycystic ovarian syndrome *PCOS* back in my late teens. Radical hair growth on my face and rearend and weight gain suggested this. I could also say my flaming temper suggested it, but truth be told, I come from a long line of hot tempers so the truth is that probably didn't play as much of a role as I would like it to sometimes. In other words, I won't ever say: "The PCOS made me do it!" It's just not a defense. And as for the weight gain, your grandmother and great grandmother have had gastric bypass and stomach stapling respectively. Your great aunt and second cousins either are or have been overweight and so on it goes. So the truth is, I was given this diagnosis after two separate ultrasounds found NO cysts and because hormone tests revealed an elevated level of testosterone. I guess if it walks like a duck but doesn't quack like a duck *no cysts on ovaries* it's still a duck. Hopefully by the time you read this letter that won't be the case anymore.
This diagnosis also came on the heels of my missing period. I started on my 11th birthday, what a present!! and then just stopped abruptly. I was put on birth control but was so sick of taking pills I eventually quit them.
Aside from being told I had PCOS I wasn't told much of anything else other than: "You probably won't get Pregnant."
Add to this something entirely different. As a young teen I was also told that I had a 25% chance of having a baby with a Tessier Cleft, only not only would it be more severe than mine, it would also leave my Baby deaf on top of being blind and mentally disabled. That 25% chance was translated into a 1 in 4 chance, meaning if I had 4 Babies, it was likely that one of them would be born with my birth defect. I fought to hold onto hope as I ONLY DESIRED ONE Baby, just ONE!
So fast forward all these years later. It's March 5th 2012 around 3:20 in the afternoon and we're heading to my doctors appointment. I was having a recurring ear infection at the time and no matter what they did it just wouldn't go away! So we're on our way there when my Body just starts doing Her thing! I leaned up front and asked Rebecca if anything besides blood would come out of me at such a high volume. She suggested discharge but I intuitively new that wasn't it! Sure enough, when I got out of the car your Grandfather said I'd left a stain on his backseat! Lol. He also yelled: "Your pants are dark! Noone will know!"
Truth be told, that wasn't my first thought. My first thought was: "I can get Pregnant!!! I! CAN! GET! PREGNAAAAANT!!" I had no partner at the time nor even any prospects for one but I didn't care!
Whereas most women back then dreaded their periods I was ecstatic!! I wanted to run into the office shouting at the top of my lungs! Lol! I didn't do that of course, but I wanted to!
Ever since I was young I had Desired a Baby so desperately that I had a doll Melissa whom I attempted to breastfeed! After that I would tell anyone who listened I was going to name my daughter Aleata! I'm still not sure where the name came from, but it stuck for a long time. I volunteered at a daycare center in high school, hated that my best friend, your Aunt Holly could get babysitting gigs and I couldn't, and even felt flutters in my stomach. My stomach would flutter and flip like you were already in there!
That day when I got my period for the first time in to many years to count, the fluttering came back! I was so excited to think my Body had come back of Her own accord! I hadn't taken any pills *I DO NOT begrudge those who do and signed petitions often when birth control and the right to it was under threat* but I myself had rejected it in favor of Goddess and Universe and it had worked in my favor!
Today is Saturday March 10th, and I'm excitedly awaiting my next chapter.
I started reading a book called "Calling in the One" by Catherine Woodward Thomas a couple months ago and it is designed to 'call in your soulmate.' I had no idea whether or not it would really work, especially considering my living conditions at the time, severely strapped finances and relying on your Grandfather for transportation, which meant I was never alone, nor did I frequent trendy cafes or other places where I might have met a partner, but the other Women in my study group predicted changes for me anyway, and I have to confess I'm now wondering if this wasn't one of those changes.
I also let go of your grandmother in love around this time *thanks to the book* and wrote letters to Congress members, rockstars, movie stars, journalists and anyone I thought could or would help. I started making lifestyle changes, one of which involved getting on the treadmill for at least an hour each day. You would have had to know the old me to know that this WAS NOT something I would have done back in the day! I called it exercise instead of a lifestyle change and complained bitterly that I HATED exercise! It was 'the E word' and off limits the way other people make words like damn and shit off limits! Lol. But reading that book changed me in subtle ways and getting my period again changed me in bigger ways. I was ELATED! ECSTATIC! IN ABSOLUTE ECSTASY over it all!! I wanted to roll around like our family Cat Tigger did after we gave him catnip!
Anyway, I suppose there is no real closing to this letter, I just had to put this all down in hopes that you will someday read it and know just how much you were Desired and loved. I talk to you often when I'm on the treadmill and feel like quitting. I talk to you when I'm drinking a half cup of chocolate milk instead of a giant glass that holds 2 and a half cups. I talk to you when I'm contemplating the 6 pack of Reese Peanut Buttercup Eggs they have out for Easter and when I'm longing for an ice cold can of Coke! And believe me, I do long occasionally. I talk to you when I'm foregoing McDonalds and Tony's and Panda Express and I talk to you when I'm reading about preparing for a Pregnancy and having a preconception visit with a doctor. I haven't even found the right provider yet, but I know I will!
Finally, I talk to you when I'm reading about the oldest sperm bank in America and considering picking a donor. Part of me wonders if this is selfish and thinks of what it would have been like without your Grandfather around. Another part of me aches for you so badly and fears I won't conceive you until I'm 'old' and old to me is 30! It's 30 because at 35 chances of birthdefects begin to increase and with my PCOS and no prospective partners I fear that by the time Goddess provides for me my chances will be gone! It is at that precise moment when I realize I'm coming from a place of fear and close down the sperm donor website. I have bookmarked it but won't be back until I can say I'm there because I Desire to be and not because I'm afraid. I'm there out of love and not out of fear.
With All My Love,
Mom
Dearest Olivia,
I have no idea where to begin with this. I've had an urge for quite some time to write this but have pushed it away. As much as I've learned about myself the past few years, about the power of positive thinking, affirmations etc, some things just still seem 'over the top.'
On Monday March 5th 2012 though, something happened that I COULDN'T ignore.
I was diagnosed as having polycystic ovarian syndrome *PCOS* back in my late teens. Radical hair growth on my face and rearend and weight gain suggested this. I could also say my flaming temper suggested it, but truth be told, I come from a long line of hot tempers so the truth is that probably didn't play as much of a role as I would like it to sometimes. In other words, I won't ever say: "The PCOS made me do it!" It's just not a defense. And as for the weight gain, your grandmother and great grandmother have had gastric bypass and stomach stapling respectively. Your great aunt and second cousins either are or have been overweight and so on it goes. So the truth is, I was given this diagnosis after two separate ultrasounds found NO cysts and because hormone tests revealed an elevated level of testosterone. I guess if it walks like a duck but doesn't quack like a duck *no cysts on ovaries* it's still a duck. Hopefully by the time you read this letter that won't be the case anymore.
This diagnosis also came on the heels of my missing period. I started on my 11th birthday, what a present!! and then just stopped abruptly. I was put on birth control but was so sick of taking pills I eventually quit them.
Aside from being told I had PCOS I wasn't told much of anything else other than: "You probably won't get Pregnant."
Add to this something entirely different. As a young teen I was also told that I had a 25% chance of having a baby with a Tessier Cleft, only not only would it be more severe than mine, it would also leave my Baby deaf on top of being blind and mentally disabled. That 25% chance was translated into a 1 in 4 chance, meaning if I had 4 Babies, it was likely that one of them would be born with my birth defect. I fought to hold onto hope as I ONLY DESIRED ONE Baby, just ONE!
So fast forward all these years later. It's March 5th 2012 around 3:20 in the afternoon and we're heading to my doctors appointment. I was having a recurring ear infection at the time and no matter what they did it just wouldn't go away! So we're on our way there when my Body just starts doing Her thing! I leaned up front and asked Rebecca if anything besides blood would come out of me at such a high volume. She suggested discharge but I intuitively new that wasn't it! Sure enough, when I got out of the car your Grandfather said I'd left a stain on his backseat! Lol. He also yelled: "Your pants are dark! Noone will know!"
Truth be told, that wasn't my first thought. My first thought was: "I can get Pregnant!!! I! CAN! GET! PREGNAAAAANT!!" I had no partner at the time nor even any prospects for one but I didn't care!
Whereas most women back then dreaded their periods I was ecstatic!! I wanted to run into the office shouting at the top of my lungs! Lol! I didn't do that of course, but I wanted to!
Ever since I was young I had Desired a Baby so desperately that I had a doll Melissa whom I attempted to breastfeed! After that I would tell anyone who listened I was going to name my daughter Aleata! I'm still not sure where the name came from, but it stuck for a long time. I volunteered at a daycare center in high school, hated that my best friend, your Aunt Holly could get babysitting gigs and I couldn't, and even felt flutters in my stomach. My stomach would flutter and flip like you were already in there!
That day when I got my period for the first time in to many years to count, the fluttering came back! I was so excited to think my Body had come back of Her own accord! I hadn't taken any pills *I DO NOT begrudge those who do and signed petitions often when birth control and the right to it was under threat* but I myself had rejected it in favor of Goddess and Universe and it had worked in my favor!
Today is Saturday March 10th, and I'm excitedly awaiting my next chapter.
I started reading a book called "Calling in the One" by Catherine Woodward Thomas a couple months ago and it is designed to 'call in your soulmate.' I had no idea whether or not it would really work, especially considering my living conditions at the time, severely strapped finances and relying on your Grandfather for transportation, which meant I was never alone, nor did I frequent trendy cafes or other places where I might have met a partner, but the other Women in my study group predicted changes for me anyway, and I have to confess I'm now wondering if this wasn't one of those changes.
I also let go of your grandmother in love around this time *thanks to the book* and wrote letters to Congress members, rockstars, movie stars, journalists and anyone I thought could or would help. I started making lifestyle changes, one of which involved getting on the treadmill for at least an hour each day. You would have had to know the old me to know that this WAS NOT something I would have done back in the day! I called it exercise instead of a lifestyle change and complained bitterly that I HATED exercise! It was 'the E word' and off limits the way other people make words like damn and shit off limits! Lol. But reading that book changed me in subtle ways and getting my period again changed me in bigger ways. I was ELATED! ECSTATIC! IN ABSOLUTE ECSTASY over it all!! I wanted to roll around like our family Cat Tigger did after we gave him catnip!
Anyway, I suppose there is no real closing to this letter, I just had to put this all down in hopes that you will someday read it and know just how much you were Desired and loved. I talk to you often when I'm on the treadmill and feel like quitting. I talk to you when I'm drinking a half cup of chocolate milk instead of a giant glass that holds 2 and a half cups. I talk to you when I'm contemplating the 6 pack of Reese Peanut Buttercup Eggs they have out for Easter and when I'm longing for an ice cold can of Coke! And believe me, I do long occasionally. I talk to you when I'm foregoing McDonalds and Tony's and Panda Express and I talk to you when I'm reading about preparing for a Pregnancy and having a preconception visit with a doctor. I haven't even found the right provider yet, but I know I will!
Finally, I talk to you when I'm reading about the oldest sperm bank in America and considering picking a donor. Part of me wonders if this is selfish and thinks of what it would have been like without your Grandfather around. Another part of me aches for you so badly and fears I won't conceive you until I'm 'old' and old to me is 30! It's 30 because at 35 chances of birthdefects begin to increase and with my PCOS and no prospective partners I fear that by the time Goddess provides for me my chances will be gone! It is at that precise moment when I realize I'm coming from a place of fear and close down the sperm donor website. I have bookmarked it but won't be back until I can say I'm there because I Desire to be and not because I'm afraid. I'm there out of love and not out of fear.
With All My Love,
Mom
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Changing Perspectives
Note: Back to lessons from "Calling in The One" soon.
I just read an article sent to me via
http://sendmeastory.com/
and culled from
http://www.longform.org/
on a man named Michael May who is the founder and CEO of Sendero Group, THEE man who created a portable Global Positioning System unit *GPS* for the blind. He himself was blind and was the first blind CIA analyst, is a skydiver, a guitar player, mentor and lecturer. He's done ALOT in his lifetime and sighted or not, he's a fabulous role model for us all.
He's a guy who runs towards change! I myself must confess, I am like most, guilty of being complacent and even dare I say it, hostile towards change. In fact, for years my mantra has been: "I hate change! I hate change!"
I was sitting here last night thinking that I won't be that person anymore! I have no Desire to be that person in that crowd of change haters any longer!
I was also smart enough to recognize that this WILL NOT be an easy change,. I mean, 26 years as a self-confessed change hater?
The other day I was talking to my coach about my resistance towards finishing the exercises in "CITO" *"Calling in The One"* She asked me why. She pointed out how in classes I'm practically jumping over myself to get it done! I had reached Lesson 10 on Toxic Ties *in other words toxic rrelationship ties* and I said without thinking about it: "I don't want to. I know I have toxic ties to people and instead of renegociating them I'd rather just move out!"
I thought about that again as I repeated it to one of the Women in our "CITO" group. It was true. I was uncensored and unfiltered and just said what I was thinking and that was it.
It's what happens when I start thinking about others and not myself. I don't want to renegociate ties with my Dad's wife for example, because Dad lives in the house to and if I renegociate with her how is he going to react? How will my renegociations with her affect him? The straight answer of course, is not at all unless HE chooses to allow it to affect him and if he does I have no control over that for I can only control myself!
So how does this fit in with Michael May? It was a case of 'what would Michael May do here?' and I know the answer. The man runs full speed ahead, has always run full speed ahead and if I Desire to be like that I to MUST run full speed ahead!
For God's sake, the man drove a car when he was a kid!! A Datsun, and a Honda motor bike around his high school's track with another blind friend when he was 16.
We were at once raised similarly and completely opposite of each other.
I was told I could do anything I wanted, put in public schools, treated 'normally' by my parents. The outside world was a different story, but they treated me normally. But even they won't teach me how to drive, and even they never encouraged me to try out for anything. I'm not blaming, I never wanted to be a cheerleader anyway, though wrestling or karate would have been a fabulously Great outlet for my pent up anger!
My point though, is that they never would have said/did say: "Go run into benches, into other bike riders and make yourself a bloody mess."
Michael's mother did! Even if she didn't use her words, he was treated 'normally' and this was over 40 years ago and because of that, he still holds the record for the fastest blind downhill skiier *65 MPH* and he has made the jump to getting his sight back!
Though case studies have proven time and time again that depression is a huge stumbling block for those few who have sought out or regained their sight, that blind people who become sighted can't distinguish between a sphere and a cube by sight alone, or someone's gender and the like because those parts of the brain aren't the kind to keep regenerating if not used in early childhood, he ran with it and his sight was 20/80 at the time of the writing of this article!
I WANT to be like him, and if I want to be like him, I have no choice but to change my perspective, whether it's on a book that helps to call in love or a 26 year Herstory of hating on change!
It won't be easy, but I am bound and determined!!
If you would like to read Michael's story you can find it here!
http://www.esquire.com/features/ESQ0605BLIND_114?click=main_sr
--
Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learn anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive
is too small for you.
~ David Whyte ~ (House of Belonging)
Sadie Marie Medina!
Original birthdate unnone.
First birthday with us: 2/15/2009
Welcome home baby!
I just read an article sent to me via
http://sendmeastory.com/
and culled from
http://www.longform.org/
on a man named Michael May who is the founder and CEO of Sendero Group, THEE man who created a portable Global Positioning System unit *GPS* for the blind. He himself was blind and was the first blind CIA analyst, is a skydiver, a guitar player, mentor and lecturer. He's done ALOT in his lifetime and sighted or not, he's a fabulous role model for us all.
He's a guy who runs towards change! I myself must confess, I am like most, guilty of being complacent and even dare I say it, hostile towards change. In fact, for years my mantra has been: "I hate change! I hate change!"
I was sitting here last night thinking that I won't be that person anymore! I have no Desire to be that person in that crowd of change haters any longer!
I was also smart enough to recognize that this WILL NOT be an easy change,. I mean, 26 years as a self-confessed change hater?
The other day I was talking to my coach about my resistance towards finishing the exercises in "CITO" *"Calling in The One"* She asked me why. She pointed out how in classes I'm practically jumping over myself to get it done! I had reached Lesson 10 on Toxic Ties *in other words toxic rrelationship ties* and I said without thinking about it: "I don't want to. I know I have toxic ties to people and instead of renegociating them I'd rather just move out!"
I thought about that again as I repeated it to one of the Women in our "CITO" group. It was true. I was uncensored and unfiltered and just said what I was thinking and that was it.
It's what happens when I start thinking about others and not myself. I don't want to renegociate ties with my Dad's wife for example, because Dad lives in the house to and if I renegociate with her how is he going to react? How will my renegociations with her affect him? The straight answer of course, is not at all unless HE chooses to allow it to affect him and if he does I have no control over that for I can only control myself!
So how does this fit in with Michael May? It was a case of 'what would Michael May do here?' and I know the answer. The man runs full speed ahead, has always run full speed ahead and if I Desire to be like that I to MUST run full speed ahead!
For God's sake, the man drove a car when he was a kid!! A Datsun, and a Honda motor bike around his high school's track with another blind friend when he was 16.
We were at once raised similarly and completely opposite of each other.
I was told I could do anything I wanted, put in public schools, treated 'normally' by my parents. The outside world was a different story, but they treated me normally. But even they won't teach me how to drive, and even they never encouraged me to try out for anything. I'm not blaming, I never wanted to be a cheerleader anyway, though wrestling or karate would have been a fabulously Great outlet for my pent up anger!
My point though, is that they never would have said/did say: "Go run into benches, into other bike riders and make yourself a bloody mess."
Michael's mother did! Even if she didn't use her words, he was treated 'normally' and this was over 40 years ago and because of that, he still holds the record for the fastest blind downhill skiier *65 MPH* and he has made the jump to getting his sight back!
Though case studies have proven time and time again that depression is a huge stumbling block for those few who have sought out or regained their sight, that blind people who become sighted can't distinguish between a sphere and a cube by sight alone, or someone's gender and the like because those parts of the brain aren't the kind to keep regenerating if not used in early childhood, he ran with it and his sight was 20/80 at the time of the writing of this article!
I WANT to be like him, and if I want to be like him, I have no choice but to change my perspective, whether it's on a book that helps to call in love or a 26 year Herstory of hating on change!
It won't be easy, but I am bound and determined!!
If you would like to read Michael's story you can find it here!
http://www.esquire.com/features/ESQ0605BLIND_114?click=main_sr
--
Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learn anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive
is too small for you.
~ David Whyte ~ (House of Belonging)
Sadie Marie Medina!
Original birthdate unnone.
First birthday with us: 2/15/2009
Welcome home baby!
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Week 2: Lesson 8, Loss VS. Gain
1. Dad left when I was 3, came back when I was 4.
Gain: My Dad and I have an even stronger bond than I think we may have
had otherwise. I learned that I could trust him to be there for me, to
come back for me, that he wouldn't leave me.
2. My inocence, which I have honestly never felt I had even when I was
tiny. Surgeries, being held down for poking and prodding, needles and
the like took that away.
Gain: When I tell someone "I understand. . ." you can bet money on it
that I sincerely try to place myself in their shoes, something I don't
believe most people try to do.
3. My childhood *for the same reasons as above*.
Gain: I've retained a childlike quality that has had definite
advantages over the years, especially when around uptight 'grown-ups'!
Smile.
4. My mom abandoning us when I was 18 and hardly being available even
before that. She suffers from clinical depression and even when
medicated was eratic at times.
Gain: That I can take the good from our relationship and turn it loose
on my Children when I have them!
5. Abuse from kids, being punched kicked and spit on.
Gain: I know how damaging bullying REALLY is and am looking forward to
one day participating in some kind of campaign against it. I'd love to
see it brought to the congressional floor and made illegal *there are
already whispers that this may be coming to pass*.
6. Learning that adults could not be trusted to protect me *school
officials blew my parents off until we sued the school and they were
found guilty of neglegence among other things*. Even after that though
I didn't feel safer. People on the whole have proven time and time
again that they will laugh, point, stare or gather up friends and
family to come stare at me when I'm out in public at times, even to
this day.
Gain: I've managed to retain my humanity and still have an addiction
*Desire isn't strong enough of a word* to help others.
7. My brother's suicide via methamphetamine overdose.
Gain: Not sure.
8. A loss of personal space and even more important than that, a
belief I developed that my body didn't belong to me, rather it
belonged to my parents, my doctors/nurses, even to strangers who have
come up and put their hands on my face without permission.
Gain: My autobiography that I'm working on. "The Messenger Unveiled"
Observation: I've done my absolute best. Reading over this, I've seen
where I've made similar comments before, just written them in
different ways. I have fought this idea in the past, abiding by the
fake it till I make it statement. If I say it enough, write it enough,
think it enough I'll believe it. Now as I look over these losses and
'gains' I find myself feeling on one hand very similar, like these are
just made up answers for this 'homework'. On the other hand, I see the
validity of SOME of them, which is a giant improvement over my usual
all or nothing feelings and attitude.
4, dealing with my mother feels untrue and I left 7 blank for the same
reason. I did try to think hard about what I may have gained from my
brother's death. . . Truth is that year my dog Grace died 1/2309, my
brother died 09/07/09, my sister's dog Duke the second weekend in
November and my cat Snowball just one day before Thanksgiving ALL in
that year. Needless to say that was hell and finding a silverlining on
death tends to elude me unless the person is old and has lived a full
life. I thought about writing "My brother treated me like his baby
princess, thereby teaching me how valuable I was so I gained him while
he was here." That felt insincere. I thought about saying that his
loss gained me the opportunity to step up and eulogize him at his
memorial service, but this to feels fake. Truth is I'm always the
strong one, the 'rock' to the point that being strong is not a good
thing in my book these days, it just means your the one who gets
picked for the most unsavory jobs or volunteers for them, 'because I
can and others can't'. Being strong for me is also equated with
burying emotions, not crying in front of others, instead letting them
cry on you and lean on you.
Alternately I've been moving towards the opposite, crying a bit more
frequently, but still alone or only with those I trust most. My coach
or my BFF. I'm beginning to recognize it as a strength. It's just been
corrupted for me like laughter. They say that laughter is the best
medicine, but I can just as easily laugh hysterically so I won't
collapse and drown myself in an ocean of tears. So some of those very
same healthy coping mechanisms have become unhealthy for me because I
rely on them too much.
At any rate, these are my answers. Smile.
Gain: My Dad and I have an even stronger bond than I think we may have
had otherwise. I learned that I could trust him to be there for me, to
come back for me, that he wouldn't leave me.
2. My inocence, which I have honestly never felt I had even when I was
tiny. Surgeries, being held down for poking and prodding, needles and
the like took that away.
Gain: When I tell someone "I understand. . ." you can bet money on it
that I sincerely try to place myself in their shoes, something I don't
believe most people try to do.
3. My childhood *for the same reasons as above*.
Gain: I've retained a childlike quality that has had definite
advantages over the years, especially when around uptight 'grown-ups'!
Smile.
4. My mom abandoning us when I was 18 and hardly being available even
before that. She suffers from clinical depression and even when
medicated was eratic at times.
Gain: That I can take the good from our relationship and turn it loose
on my Children when I have them!
5. Abuse from kids, being punched kicked and spit on.
Gain: I know how damaging bullying REALLY is and am looking forward to
one day participating in some kind of campaign against it. I'd love to
see it brought to the congressional floor and made illegal *there are
already whispers that this may be coming to pass*.
6. Learning that adults could not be trusted to protect me *school
officials blew my parents off until we sued the school and they were
found guilty of neglegence among other things*. Even after that though
I didn't feel safer. People on the whole have proven time and time
again that they will laugh, point, stare or gather up friends and
family to come stare at me when I'm out in public at times, even to
this day.
Gain: I've managed to retain my humanity and still have an addiction
*Desire isn't strong enough of a word* to help others.
7. My brother's suicide via methamphetamine overdose.
Gain: Not sure.
8. A loss of personal space and even more important than that, a
belief I developed that my body didn't belong to me, rather it
belonged to my parents, my doctors/nurses, even to strangers who have
come up and put their hands on my face without permission.
Gain: My autobiography that I'm working on. "The Messenger Unveiled"
Observation: I've done my absolute best. Reading over this, I've seen
where I've made similar comments before, just written them in
different ways. I have fought this idea in the past, abiding by the
fake it till I make it statement. If I say it enough, write it enough,
think it enough I'll believe it. Now as I look over these losses and
'gains' I find myself feeling on one hand very similar, like these are
just made up answers for this 'homework'. On the other hand, I see the
validity of SOME of them, which is a giant improvement over my usual
all or nothing feelings and attitude.
4, dealing with my mother feels untrue and I left 7 blank for the same
reason. I did try to think hard about what I may have gained from my
brother's death. . . Truth is that year my dog Grace died 1/2309, my
brother died 09/07/09, my sister's dog Duke the second weekend in
November and my cat Snowball just one day before Thanksgiving ALL in
that year. Needless to say that was hell and finding a silverlining on
death tends to elude me unless the person is old and has lived a full
life. I thought about writing "My brother treated me like his baby
princess, thereby teaching me how valuable I was so I gained him while
he was here." That felt insincere. I thought about saying that his
loss gained me the opportunity to step up and eulogize him at his
memorial service, but this to feels fake. Truth is I'm always the
strong one, the 'rock' to the point that being strong is not a good
thing in my book these days, it just means your the one who gets
picked for the most unsavory jobs or volunteers for them, 'because I
can and others can't'. Being strong for me is also equated with
burying emotions, not crying in front of others, instead letting them
cry on you and lean on you.
Alternately I've been moving towards the opposite, crying a bit more
frequently, but still alone or only with those I trust most. My coach
or my BFF. I'm beginning to recognize it as a strength. It's just been
corrupted for me like laughter. They say that laughter is the best
medicine, but I can just as easily laugh hysterically so I won't
collapse and drown myself in an ocean of tears. So some of those very
same healthy coping mechanisms have become unhealthy for me because I
rely on them too much.
At any rate, these are my answers. Smile.
Week 1: Lesson 7, Creating A Space For Love
This posed a problem for me, so I reached out to my group asking for support.
Because this is an action step and not necessarily a 'writing step' the blog that follows is an excerpt of me asking for help and explaining WHY I need the help.
Welcome to my ever cluttered life!! Smile.
I live with my Dad and am completely unsure of how
to complete the exercise of creating a space for love.
I'm wondering if you have any suggestions if you'd be willing to share?
Space is tight here and my family is not all welcoming and lovy-dovy.
I wouldn't ever invite a love into this house. We're right on top
of each other, the family room is at one end of the house and the three
bedrooms are at the other end. My Dad and I share a wall, my other
wall connects to the bathroom and the bathroom wall connects to my
stepsisters' room. You can hear ANYTHING and EVERYTHING going on from
room to room. TV watching, music listening, bathing, you get the idea.
The second issue I have is that yes my room is cluttered because I do
everything in here. So there's a TV, a computer, two stereos, you get
the idea.
I have no room that I could move my computer and TV to.
This also means my room is cluttered. I've cleaned out what I could
and am in the process of throwing away or giving away what I don't
need. At the moment when you open my door and walk into my room the
right wall has a box of print papers and a bag of CD'S on top that
I've been meaning to get rid of, just waiting for someone to take me
to Goodwill to drop them off. Then there's a table with my food on it,
boxed and canned goods and my telephone. After that it's my computer
desk with my computer and my biggest stereo. Next to that is a box
with more print papers and a couple VHS tapes in it. The wall there
contains another skinny tall shelf with a few stuffed animals *my
faves, I boxed up the rest of them*, my toiletries and the like. Next
to that is my dresser with my TV and DVD player on top. Next to that
is my closet and next to that a coat rack. Then there's a wall with my
bed against it. That wall also has a window. Finally my last wall
contains the head of my bed, my nightstand with my microwave and my
baby stereo on top of that. Next to that is my CD shelf and my bedroom
door.
Needless to say, I think you get the idea of just how cluttered things
are. So getting two nightstands or a double bed would be nearly
impossible, even if I had the money for those items. Smile. I already
store everything including food and toiletries in my room so I'm not
sure about buying pairs of coco mugs or even towels. I'd have nowhere
to put them but in my dresser. Smile. I would think this wouldn't make
them out and welcoming.
The assignment is to in fact, prepare for love by putting things out in pairs, making room in your closet for another to put their things, etc.
Still waiting to hear back from some of the group, but I was about to put up Lesson 8 and thought I needed to put up lesson 7 first!! Lol.
Happy reading!
Again, thank you to anyone whose reading this, you are AWESOME!!
Because this is an action step and not necessarily a 'writing step' the blog that follows is an excerpt of me asking for help and explaining WHY I need the help.
Welcome to my ever cluttered life!! Smile.
I live with my Dad and am completely unsure of how
to complete the exercise of creating a space for love.
I'm wondering if you have any suggestions if you'd be willing to share?
Space is tight here and my family is not all welcoming and lovy-dovy.
I wouldn't ever invite a love into this house. We're right on top
of each other, the family room is at one end of the house and the three
bedrooms are at the other end. My Dad and I share a wall, my other
wall connects to the bathroom and the bathroom wall connects to my
stepsisters' room. You can hear ANYTHING and EVERYTHING going on from
room to room. TV watching, music listening, bathing, you get the idea.
The second issue I have is that yes my room is cluttered because I do
everything in here. So there's a TV, a computer, two stereos, you get
the idea.
I have no room that I could move my computer and TV to.
This also means my room is cluttered. I've cleaned out what I could
and am in the process of throwing away or giving away what I don't
need. At the moment when you open my door and walk into my room the
right wall has a box of print papers and a bag of CD'S on top that
I've been meaning to get rid of, just waiting for someone to take me
to Goodwill to drop them off. Then there's a table with my food on it,
boxed and canned goods and my telephone. After that it's my computer
desk with my computer and my biggest stereo. Next to that is a box
with more print papers and a couple VHS tapes in it. The wall there
contains another skinny tall shelf with a few stuffed animals *my
faves, I boxed up the rest of them*, my toiletries and the like. Next
to that is my dresser with my TV and DVD player on top. Next to that
is my closet and next to that a coat rack. Then there's a wall with my
bed against it. That wall also has a window. Finally my last wall
contains the head of my bed, my nightstand with my microwave and my
baby stereo on top of that. Next to that is my CD shelf and my bedroom
door.
Needless to say, I think you get the idea of just how cluttered things
are. So getting two nightstands or a double bed would be nearly
impossible, even if I had the money for those items. Smile. I already
store everything including food and toiletries in my room so I'm not
sure about buying pairs of coco mugs or even towels. I'd have nowhere
to put them but in my dresser. Smile. I would think this wouldn't make
them out and welcoming.
The assignment is to in fact, prepare for love by putting things out in pairs, making room in your closet for another to put their things, etc.
Still waiting to hear back from some of the group, but I was about to put up Lesson 8 and thought I needed to put up lesson 7 first!! Lol.
Happy reading!
Again, thank you to anyone whose reading this, you are AWESOME!!
Week 1: Lesson 6, Imagining My Lover
I went into this late night meditation with a perfect memory of what
my Desire was. . .
I managed to sit on the floor for a full 10 seconds or so before my
mind kicked in and I wasn't thinking about my soulmate.
I started thinking about my ear infection and whether it was
completely gone, that it was interesting that my doc put me on
steroids to 'dry me out' *I have fluid behind my eardrum so kept
hearing a whooshing sound in my ear* since I'd never heard of anyone
being put on steroids before for an ear infection. I'd already done a
course of antibiotics.
Anyway then I started thinking about this commercial break
80scommercialvault posted on youtube.com quite a while back.
The ad break is from MTV back in the 90's, and one of the commercials
is a public service announcement about drinking and driving. "Old
Ainsign" is playing, the car crashes and the narrator says: "Don't
play with death. . . don't drink and drive!"
Sidenote here, I'm fully blind, no light perception even, and have
been terrified of public service announcements since I was a little
girl. I mean terrified to the point of waking my mom or Dad up at 3AM
in a panic or refusing to get out of the bathtub until a scary psa got
over. In our old house the bathroom was just off the livingroom so I
could hear it from the tub.
I managed to push through the fear and even tried to hear my voice
saying: "I'd like to tell you a secret. . ." in line with imagining
telling my soulmate a secret about myself, thinking if I could imagine
myself saying the words I could pull myself back on track. No dice.
Then I started thinking about how hard my floor is, how I ought to
vacuum it soon, how my hands and feet are cold. . . their always cold
in this house! Dad keeps temps at around 70, and with our house being
so big the heat whether from the fireplace or the furnace doesn't warm
the entire house so the bedrooms are almost ALWAYS cold in the winter.
So cold that we all sleep with several blankets sheets and comforters
on our beds. I currently have flannel sheets and two comforters.
Then about my posture, I'm not sitting up FULLY straight. . . I moved
my arms from my sides to resting on my knees. I called it off after
that.
I'm thinking maybe if I go back to doing 'Morning Pages' from Julia
Cameron's "The Artists Way" maybe that'll help.
Interestingly enough, when I spoke to one of our members a couple
weeks ago though, I was doing much better then and I hadn't meditated.
She just told me about the assignment itself and I said something to
the effect of:
"I imagine I'd feel giddy! Ecstasy would run through me! Elation! I'd
Desire to stay with that person and not leave their side *I would of
course*, but the feelings of excitement and joy would be such that I
would Desire heartily to stay in their presence because I'd feel so
'up!!' when I was around them I wouldn't Desire the 'come down effect'
that happens."
For example: when I'm going to a concert I get excited!! I mean I wake
up after only 4 or 5 hours of sleep thinking I NEED to sleep longer
but can't because I'm so excited about what the night holds. I spend
all day waiting waiting waiting! The closer it gets the more euphoric
I get and by the time we're climbing out of my Dad's car and walking
towards the building I've got butterflies whooping in my stomach! I
hear the music pounding and people talking cluttered near the open
door and smell the cigarette smoke from the designated smoking area
outside and feel like sprinting past everyone into the building! When
we get in the first door and I'm standing with my ID out waiting to
have it checked and get a wristband put on it's almost too much for me
to bear! It's like my brain is on overload and almost shuts down as a
coping mechanism. It's almost too much. When we get our IDS' checked
and wristbands on and head inside I smell smoke and alcohol and hear
tons of hooting and hollering, some people are already drunk and
though I'm not a huge fan of being around drunk people the euphoria of
knowing I'll meet the band after they play outweighs any feeling of
discomfort or nervousness the drunk people would normally evoke in me.
Then there's being in the mosh pit itself, the feel of bodies on
bodies, but not slamming or crowd surfing. . . rather the people that
tend to cluster around me are more LIKE me so our bodies rub together
and bounce up and down and sway side to side together. It's like we're
moving as one person, one body, of one mind and one feeling! All is
forgotten, whether it's an aching ankle or the need for a bathroom,
whatever it is, I forget it. After the show is over I hit another even
higher state of euphoria waiting for the band to come out. I RUN to
the bathroom and pray the whole time that the line won't be too large
by the time I get there. While I needed the restroom, it's also
keeping me away from my true Desire, too be near the band, hug them,
shake their hands, thank them. In the case of a lead singer it's
keeping me from sharing more than just a 'hi' with them, keeping me
from connecting on a wildly deep level with them, hearing their voice,
touching and being touched by them *whether it be physically or
emotionally and it's almost always both*.
After the meet and greet as we're leaving, there's a part of me that
longs to do it all over again, too stay longer spend more time, get
closer. . .
So I write all this to say I imagine that is what being with my
soulmate would be like. Only, since I'd be with them forever, the ebb
and flow would be different. There would be concert highs brawn out
for weeks followed by a plateau for weeks or months followed by
another great high.
The plateau happens in the concert when a band comes out that I'm not
interested in. And as I said, when we're leaving part of me is longing
for it to never end. Another part of me goes into review mode and I
usually can't come home and go straight to sleep. I have to eat, to
relax to evaluate everything the singer said and everything I said.
As for that blasted psa, I know it had nothing to do with the
meditation at hand. . . however, if I felt like analyzing, and I do, I
analyze EVERYTHING, I'd say it represents my fear of intimacy, of
closeness, of dropping my guard to ANYONE who doesn't already know me.
The trick about me is: I can tell you anything and I mean ANYTHING.
Whether we're online or offline, I can tell you anything! But the next
time you call me I might not call back. The next time you write me, I
might not write back. So I run before you can run from me. I appear as
an open book and will tell anyone anything, but where as you might
think: "She really trusts me. I feel honored." I might be thinking:
"Ok, said too much, time to make a break for it!"
This doesn't always happen and it happens with women much less than
men, but it still happens.
my Desire was. . .
I managed to sit on the floor for a full 10 seconds or so before my
mind kicked in and I wasn't thinking about my soulmate.
I started thinking about my ear infection and whether it was
completely gone, that it was interesting that my doc put me on
steroids to 'dry me out' *I have fluid behind my eardrum so kept
hearing a whooshing sound in my ear* since I'd never heard of anyone
being put on steroids before for an ear infection. I'd already done a
course of antibiotics.
Anyway then I started thinking about this commercial break
80scommercialvault posted on youtube.com quite a while back.
The ad break is from MTV back in the 90's, and one of the commercials
is a public service announcement about drinking and driving. "Old
Ainsign" is playing, the car crashes and the narrator says: "Don't
play with death. . . don't drink and drive!"
Sidenote here, I'm fully blind, no light perception even, and have
been terrified of public service announcements since I was a little
girl. I mean terrified to the point of waking my mom or Dad up at 3AM
in a panic or refusing to get out of the bathtub until a scary psa got
over. In our old house the bathroom was just off the livingroom so I
could hear it from the tub.
I managed to push through the fear and even tried to hear my voice
saying: "I'd like to tell you a secret. . ." in line with imagining
telling my soulmate a secret about myself, thinking if I could imagine
myself saying the words I could pull myself back on track. No dice.
Then I started thinking about how hard my floor is, how I ought to
vacuum it soon, how my hands and feet are cold. . . their always cold
in this house! Dad keeps temps at around 70, and with our house being
so big the heat whether from the fireplace or the furnace doesn't warm
the entire house so the bedrooms are almost ALWAYS cold in the winter.
So cold that we all sleep with several blankets sheets and comforters
on our beds. I currently have flannel sheets and two comforters.
Then about my posture, I'm not sitting up FULLY straight. . . I moved
my arms from my sides to resting on my knees. I called it off after
that.
I'm thinking maybe if I go back to doing 'Morning Pages' from Julia
Cameron's "The Artists Way" maybe that'll help.
Interestingly enough, when I spoke to one of our members a couple
weeks ago though, I was doing much better then and I hadn't meditated.
She just told me about the assignment itself and I said something to
the effect of:
"I imagine I'd feel giddy! Ecstasy would run through me! Elation! I'd
Desire to stay with that person and not leave their side *I would of
course*, but the feelings of excitement and joy would be such that I
would Desire heartily to stay in their presence because I'd feel so
'up!!' when I was around them I wouldn't Desire the 'come down effect'
that happens."
For example: when I'm going to a concert I get excited!! I mean I wake
up after only 4 or 5 hours of sleep thinking I NEED to sleep longer
but can't because I'm so excited about what the night holds. I spend
all day waiting waiting waiting! The closer it gets the more euphoric
I get and by the time we're climbing out of my Dad's car and walking
towards the building I've got butterflies whooping in my stomach! I
hear the music pounding and people talking cluttered near the open
door and smell the cigarette smoke from the designated smoking area
outside and feel like sprinting past everyone into the building! When
we get in the first door and I'm standing with my ID out waiting to
have it checked and get a wristband put on it's almost too much for me
to bear! It's like my brain is on overload and almost shuts down as a
coping mechanism. It's almost too much. When we get our IDS' checked
and wristbands on and head inside I smell smoke and alcohol and hear
tons of hooting and hollering, some people are already drunk and
though I'm not a huge fan of being around drunk people the euphoria of
knowing I'll meet the band after they play outweighs any feeling of
discomfort or nervousness the drunk people would normally evoke in me.
Then there's being in the mosh pit itself, the feel of bodies on
bodies, but not slamming or crowd surfing. . . rather the people that
tend to cluster around me are more LIKE me so our bodies rub together
and bounce up and down and sway side to side together. It's like we're
moving as one person, one body, of one mind and one feeling! All is
forgotten, whether it's an aching ankle or the need for a bathroom,
whatever it is, I forget it. After the show is over I hit another even
higher state of euphoria waiting for the band to come out. I RUN to
the bathroom and pray the whole time that the line won't be too large
by the time I get there. While I needed the restroom, it's also
keeping me away from my true Desire, too be near the band, hug them,
shake their hands, thank them. In the case of a lead singer it's
keeping me from sharing more than just a 'hi' with them, keeping me
from connecting on a wildly deep level with them, hearing their voice,
touching and being touched by them *whether it be physically or
emotionally and it's almost always both*.
After the meet and greet as we're leaving, there's a part of me that
longs to do it all over again, too stay longer spend more time, get
closer. . .
So I write all this to say I imagine that is what being with my
soulmate would be like. Only, since I'd be with them forever, the ebb
and flow would be different. There would be concert highs brawn out
for weeks followed by a plateau for weeks or months followed by
another great high.
The plateau happens in the concert when a band comes out that I'm not
interested in. And as I said, when we're leaving part of me is longing
for it to never end. Another part of me goes into review mode and I
usually can't come home and go straight to sleep. I have to eat, to
relax to evaluate everything the singer said and everything I said.
As for that blasted psa, I know it had nothing to do with the
meditation at hand. . . however, if I felt like analyzing, and I do, I
analyze EVERYTHING, I'd say it represents my fear of intimacy, of
closeness, of dropping my guard to ANYONE who doesn't already know me.
The trick about me is: I can tell you anything and I mean ANYTHING.
Whether we're online or offline, I can tell you anything! But the next
time you call me I might not call back. The next time you write me, I
might not write back. So I run before you can run from me. I appear as
an open book and will tell anyone anything, but where as you might
think: "She really trusts me. I feel honored." I might be thinking:
"Ok, said too much, time to make a break for it!"
This doesn't always happen and it happens with women much less than
men, but it still happens.
Week 1: Lesson 5, My Desires
I Desire to be pregnant with a Baby girl!!
I Desire a fulfilling career working with both human and animal Babies!
I Desire a secondary career of public speaking, educating people about
numerous things ranging from people who are facially disfigured or
visually impaired to bullying and why it's so harmful to a child's
psyche and should be taken extremely seriously and dealt with
immediately!
I Desire for there ALWAYS to be music in my life, concerts with my
favorite artists as well as having a band of my own for fun, a band
that takes songs like "Smells Like Teen Spirit" Nirvana, and plays
them on pianos, cellos, violins, flutes, using instruments to play
rock songs that you wouldn't typically expect to be used!
I Desire to have material possessions with stories behind them, that
are important to me, not just there to show off how wealthy my family
is!
I Desire money on a grand scale, think Bill Gates kind of money, that
I may provide to fund research and cures for diseases, to build
schools for children here and abroad, to create rehab facilities for
drug addicts and alcoholics, homeless shelters for the homeless, no
kill animal shelters for cats dogs horses and other domesticated
animals in need, more trauma centers, environmental facilities. . .
Enough money to help make this world a better place in any way
possible.
I Desire sexual experimentation with both sexes and ultimately a
loving home, a place of unconditional love between myself and a
partner or partners *just depending upon how my sexuality plays
herself out during exploration*.
I Desire feelings of ecstasy in my life, to wake up in the morning and
feel utterly fulfilled!!
I Desire many adopted Children, at least 3 perhaps more!
I Desire to feel needed, loved and cherished, accepted, respected and
adored, valued, like my opinion matters and like I am a genuine member
of my community both locally and world wide. Like I am part of a
global community that sincerely Desires to grow and expand, to be
accepting and inclusive, open and trusting, loving and welcoming!
I Desire to feel that there is a more equal distribution between
myself and my immediate family and my world wide family, that I am
giving 60 and their giving 40 or 55/45!
I Desire a fulfilling career working with both human and animal Babies!
I Desire a secondary career of public speaking, educating people about
numerous things ranging from people who are facially disfigured or
visually impaired to bullying and why it's so harmful to a child's
psyche and should be taken extremely seriously and dealt with
immediately!
I Desire for there ALWAYS to be music in my life, concerts with my
favorite artists as well as having a band of my own for fun, a band
that takes songs like "Smells Like Teen Spirit" Nirvana, and plays
them on pianos, cellos, violins, flutes, using instruments to play
rock songs that you wouldn't typically expect to be used!
I Desire to have material possessions with stories behind them, that
are important to me, not just there to show off how wealthy my family
is!
I Desire money on a grand scale, think Bill Gates kind of money, that
I may provide to fund research and cures for diseases, to build
schools for children here and abroad, to create rehab facilities for
drug addicts and alcoholics, homeless shelters for the homeless, no
kill animal shelters for cats dogs horses and other domesticated
animals in need, more trauma centers, environmental facilities. . .
Enough money to help make this world a better place in any way
possible.
I Desire sexual experimentation with both sexes and ultimately a
loving home, a place of unconditional love between myself and a
partner or partners *just depending upon how my sexuality plays
herself out during exploration*.
I Desire feelings of ecstasy in my life, to wake up in the morning and
feel utterly fulfilled!!
I Desire many adopted Children, at least 3 perhaps more!
I Desire to feel needed, loved and cherished, accepted, respected and
adored, valued, like my opinion matters and like I am a genuine member
of my community both locally and world wide. Like I am part of a
global community that sincerely Desires to grow and expand, to be
accepting and inclusive, open and trusting, loving and welcoming!
I Desire to feel that there is a more equal distribution between
myself and my immediate family and my world wide family, that I am
giving 60 and their giving 40 or 55/45!
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