Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Thank you Dear Readers!

Hello Readers!!,
So I HAD a schedule when I first started posting here! The deal was I'd post every Monday. Wednesday and Fridays were possibilities, but taking a lesson taught me by a friend and coach, I didn't want to lock myself in to early and get overwhelmed and not have things to write about, or alternately, overbook myself.
*Before we go any further, please don't mind spelling! I'll do my best to fix it as I pride myself on being a great speller, but I'm on my 'old' Dell Inspiron Mini 10, and the keyboard is crap. It isn't really old, it was just bought in January of 2010 when I was down at the louisiana school for the blind. My 'New' Dell Inspiron Mini 1018, which I just bought this Febuary, has lost it's arrow down key, which is very very bad, because almost every command I use, involves that key! Lol. Examples include arrowing down through text on Facebook and here at Gmail, or lists of song or movie titles in my music and movie folders. I also use it in conjunction with the F key to page down and I use it and the home key to read an entire text document *like this blog when I'm done typing it*. So you can see why I had to switch computers! But, on this keyboard, though no keys are 'missing', my S O and I keys aren't working properly, so if you see any of those letters missing, that's why. I have to press down on them harder than on my other keys to get them to type! Lol. Yes, I'm kinda rough on my poor keyboards! Great news is that I have bought a new keyboard for the Dell Inspiron Mini I'm on now. The bad news is I can't find a keyboard for the 1018! CRY! Lol. Oh well, it shall arrive under grace and at the perfect time*!
Anyway, back to my life.
That WAS my schedule, until my stepmom went into the hospital. To make a very long story short, she went in for a surgery to remove a tumor the size of a watermelon! *Good news, it's benign*! However, she has had asthma for a looong time now, and it picked that day to act up. She was on the OR table when her airway and one lung collapsed. She was at 35% oxygen for aprox. 35-45 minutes. When they got her stabalized and moved her out of surgery, she was taken to the critical care unit.
She got out of the hospital Tuesday night *it's been two weeks now*, and has been home resting comfortably since then. The brain damage is minimal thus far, she has trouble remembering where some things are located and what some things are called, but other than that she's doing well.
Needless to say, I'd been writing about surgeries and I was hit with the realization of just how much I've disconnected from them. That doesn't really make sense I know, but I have. I worry about pre-op. Will they get a needle in on the first try? If they don't, how many times will they have to stick me? And post-op. How much pain will I wake up in? How long will I be restricted from the foods I love? How long before I can go home? Did they remember to give me anti-nausea meds along with the anesthesia?
I don't worry about 'the ssurgery' itself. I don't think: What will happen on the table? I'm thinking about when will I wake up, not WILL I wake up? So I realized that even though I've told you all stories, I've just bearly scratched the surface of what really goes on.
Part of it is that I don't know what goes on. Thank Goddess I've never woken up in the middle of a surgery or anything terrible like that. But on the other hand. . . my body has completely disconnected from it and I've disconnected from my body.
Once I had that realization I didn't know what to do with it and it took nearly three weeks to discuss it with my coach.
I'm thrilled that I've discussed it, I just don't know where to go from here. Or rather, what to write about. I feel like I need to satisfactorally close this chapter, but I don't know how to.
I have more surgeries to come, so even if I do close it here, it won't really be closed.
I don't tend to write in a linear fashion, but I'm not sure what to say after that.
The idea that we almost lost her shook me up good.
The idea that I was so disconnected from my body, even more than I realized shook me up and made me feel like a bit of a fraud *in terms of writing here*.
I don't feel like a fraud anymore, and I'm not all that shook up about my stepmom now that I know she's alright.
There has been a lasting impact on me though, and I'm not sure how to put it into words, which is rarely a problem for me.
I'm not even sure how to wrap up this post. . .
This is all I have for now though, and I hope you all enjoy it, at least to the extent that you know what's going on with me.
Thank you very, very, very much for reading and commenting and if any of you are sharing my blogs, thank you for that to!
With more to come,

Friday, July 15, 2011

Abandonment, Books and Divorce

The last two weeks have been kaotic ones, so a post on surgery is postponed for now.
Thank you J for the inspiration to finish this painful, but very relevant post!
I started discussing my fear of abandonment with my coach Kimberly two weeks ago, and in unravelling it, it seems I've opened a Pandora's box of emotions upon emotions!
I started reading "Joy For Beginners", written by Erica Bauermeister, and this is what Caroline *one of the main character's friends and her friend Marion had to say on divorce.
"So. . . Why do you think people do it?" She asked: "Leave each other."
"I don't know." Marion answered.
"But you've written articles about it."
"That doesn't mean I know anything."
Marion's tone was light.
Caroline looked over at her, waiting.
After a while, Marion gestured out toward the ocean beyond the windows.
"I think love is kind of like those waves out there." She said.
"You ride one into the beach and it's the most amazing thing you've ever felt, but at some point, the water goes back out. It has to. And maybe your lucky, your both to busy to do anything drastic. Maybe your good as friends so you stay. And then something happens. Maybe its something as big as a baby, or as small as him unloading the dish washer, and the wave comes back in again. And it does that over and over. I just think sometimes people forget to wait."
Copyright 2010 Erica Bauermeister
Note on Copyright: The Amazon.com hard copy edition states that it was actually released June 9th 2011 and 288 pages, where as the Reviewer states it was released in 2010 and 269 pages. I'm guessing there was a paperback release first and it just isn't showing up on amazon.com as being available in that edition at the moment.
Taken from "Joy For Beginners" by Erica Bauermeister
Released 2010
Read a review here:
I'd also like to thank Kristen, the author of this review, as I had initially misspelled Marion's name as Mariane since I'm listening to the book through Random House Publishing, not reading it in Braille.
I haven't finished the book yet, but I HIGHLY recommend it! Anyway, it got me thinking about myself and this fear of abandonment. It also brought up a multitude of questions, questions I was determined to put to bed long ago.
Is love really like that with a partner? Does it absolutely have to ebb and flow? It's like when I was little and my sister and I would fight. I'd ask her why we had to fight, and she'd say: "That's what sisters do." To me that logic sounded stupid and assinine! I always wanted to shout back: "WHY!!!! WHY do we have to fight!??" It made me wonder what the hell was wrong with her!??
I realize that all relationships are different, but I adore my best friend, and I was once in love with her. In fact, I still love her, I just dropped the 'in love' so I could maintain a fabulous friendship with her, but I still love her! I would still crawl through fire and to the ends of the Universe for her, and do anything I could to make her life a happy one! I just would!
I adore my Dad! Without question! Our relationship doesn't 'ebb and flow'. I always love my Dad, every single day! I'm always excited to see him when he comes home from work, and I love going places with him and doing things with him.
So if that's the case, then why does a married couple's relationship 'ebb and flow'? And, more importantly, how does the wave go out and never come back in?
This ties into abandonment, in the sense that if a marriage does fracture, there's a wrong and a right way for things to dissolve. I can't tell anyone whether they should or shouldn't get a divorce, so this post won't answer that. What I can say though, is that there is, as I said, a wrong way and a right way. The right way would be sitting down with your children, TOGETHER, and explaining, age appropriately of course, what's going on with Mommy and Daddy. *Why your getting a divorce*. I don't mean explicit details either, of torrid affairs, or even how he wronged her and she wronged him. I mean giving the children a simple, but true explanation as to why your getting divorced and then explaining that it is not, and will never be, THEIR fault.
My parents didn't spend 25 years fighting every single day with each other, but they separated a billion times before my mother just up and left when I was 18. They split twice when I was a baby, then again when I was three and for good when I was 18. My home life, viewed from that lens, was never stable, ever! And my fear of one or both of them abandoning me for good was overwhelming. My mother would tickle my Father and instead of me being able to view it as a happy thing that couples did, when they both started getting loud and boisterous I'd start freaking out and asking them if they were getting divorced. And when they did actually argue, I was even more terrified. I'd ask my mother if they were getting divorced and she'd say coldly: "Go ask your father!" So I'd go ask him and he'd say everything was alright.
So, at age 25, I wonder: Can I ever be successful at my own "marriage"? Do I even desire to get married? Do I even desire a partner?
I remember when I was a little girl, I desperately desired first and foremost to be a mother, PERIOD! Forget the 'Father', I'd just be asexual and have my own baby, by myself! Lol. When I realized that wasn't possible, I started trying to think of other ways, a sperm donor, a one night stand, anything to ensure I wouldn't "have" to get married. And when my parents marriage ended, and concerns arose about me being able to have a healthy baby with my birthdefect, I thought of throwing in the towel altogether.
Nevermind the physical, mental and emotional abuse I suffered at school, mostly by boys. Or my mother telling me she'd been sexually abused, which made me fear for my own Body's violation. She didn't give details, just stories of the aftermath, which was frightening enough.
So all this to is part and parcel of my fear of abandonment. I alternate between clinging to tightly to people, and then telling them my whole life story before pushing them away *not returning emails, phone calls, etc*. Though that mostly has happened with a couple guys, not girlfriends. I tend towards more explicit trust with them and I cling to tightly.
I also know that's part of the problem. I'm afraid to get close to a man or woman, I've been in love twice, once with a man and once with a woman, and though neither of them left me, things didn't work out, and I'm afraid to get to close to someone again for fear that things won't work out, again, and I'll have to suck up the 'in love' feelings and trade them in for friendship, or worse, lose the person altogether.
This of course, brings us to that lovely quote: "It's better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all."
I sometimes think whoever wrote that must have downed an entire bottle of Tequila beforehand. Do they know the agony that comes with loving someone? The way your heart cracks open and spills blood when the person dies, leaves or is themselves hurt by something that has happened in their lives? Yes, of course there's the hetty experience of falling in love, walking through snow, but in your mind it's a field of grass and the birds are singing merrily, or the way when he or she takes your hand you feel like your walking on air, or the touch of large, thick, soft hands against silky smooth skin. . . Or the way when they kiss you you get that blood rush like you've just stood up to fast, but you don't care! Of course there's all that. . . When they leave though, or when it doesn't work out. . . For me, I don't desire anything but chocolate. Instead of crying in my beer you can find me crying in my glass of milk and eating 5000 pounds of milk chocolate! I wish I were dead or at the very least in a coma, so I won't feel it. It's like being burned at the stake or rolled out on the rack! It's like Vlad Tepis has come back to life to impale me!
Ultimately, these are all things that have to be worked out in your own mind. My way isn't 'the right way' and yours isn't 'the wrong way'. We all do the best we can with what we have, and we act and react the best way we know how at the time these circumstances arise.
As for me, I could never take myself off the market. Remembering what it was like to feel E's lips and embrace. . . I couldn't. In fact, I'm going to see him on the 12th of August, and I'll still have the butterflies to contend with. Once a person is in my circle, whether or not it 'works out', their in for good.
Much love,
P.S, if anyone else finds answers, please drop me a line! Smile.