Saturday, February 25, 2012

Changing Perspectives

Note: Back to lessons from "Calling in The One" soon.
I just read an article sent to me via
and culled from
on a man named Michael May who is the founder and CEO of Sendero Group, THEE man who created a portable Global Positioning System unit *GPS* for the blind. He himself was blind and was the first blind CIA analyst, is a skydiver, a guitar player, mentor and lecturer. He's done ALOT in his lifetime and sighted or not, he's a fabulous role model for us all.
He's a guy who runs towards change! I myself must confess, I am like most, guilty of being complacent and even dare I say it, hostile towards change. In fact, for years my mantra has been: "I hate change! I hate change!"
I was sitting here last night thinking that I won't be that person anymore! I have no Desire to be that person in that crowd of change haters any longer!
I was also smart enough to recognize that this WILL NOT be an easy change,. I mean, 26 years as a self-confessed change hater?
The other day I was talking to my coach about my resistance towards finishing the exercises in "CITO" *"Calling in The One"* She asked me why. She pointed out how in classes I'm practically jumping over myself to get it done! I had reached Lesson 10 on Toxic Ties *in other words toxic rrelationship ties* and I said without thinking about it: "I don't want to. I know I have toxic ties to people and instead of renegociating them I'd rather just move out!"
I thought about that again as I repeated it to one of the Women in our "CITO" group. It was true. I was uncensored and unfiltered and just said what I was thinking and that was it.
It's what happens when I start thinking about others and not myself. I don't want to renegociate ties with my Dad's wife for example, because Dad lives in the house to and if I renegociate with her how is he going to react? How will my renegociations with her affect him? The straight answer of course, is not at all unless HE chooses to allow it to affect him and if he does I have no control over that for I can only control myself!
So how does this fit in with Michael May? It was a case of 'what would Michael May do here?' and I know the answer. The man runs full speed ahead, has always run full speed ahead and if I Desire to be like that I to MUST run full speed ahead!
For God's sake, the man drove a car when he was a kid!! A Datsun, and a Honda motor bike around his high school's track with another blind friend when he was 16.
We were at once raised similarly and completely opposite of each other.
I was told I could do anything I wanted, put in public schools, treated 'normally' by my parents. The outside world was a different story, but they treated me normally. But even they won't teach me how to drive, and even they never encouraged me to try out for anything. I'm not blaming, I never wanted to be a cheerleader anyway, though wrestling or karate would have been a fabulously Great outlet for my pent up anger!
My point though, is that they never would have said/did say: "Go run into benches, into other bike riders and make yourself a bloody mess."
Michael's mother did! Even if she didn't use her words, he was treated 'normally' and this was over 40 years ago and because of that, he still holds the record for the fastest blind downhill skiier *65 MPH* and he has made the jump to getting his sight back!
Though case studies have proven time and time again that depression is a huge stumbling block for those few who have sought out or regained their sight, that blind people who become sighted can't distinguish between a sphere and a cube by sight alone, or someone's gender and the like because those parts of the brain aren't the kind to keep regenerating if not used in early childhood, he ran with it and his sight was 20/80 at the time of the writing of this article!
I WANT to be like him, and if I want to be like him, I have no choice but to change my perspective, whether it's on a book that helps to call in love or a 26 year Herstory of hating on change!
It won't be easy, but I am bound and determined!!
If you would like to read Michael's story you can find it here!
Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learn anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive
is too small for you.
~ David Whyte ~ (House of Belonging)
Sadie Marie Medina!
Original birthdate unnone.
First birthday with us: 2/15/2009
Welcome home baby!

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Week 2: Lesson 8, Loss VS. Gain

1. Dad left when I was 3, came back when I was 4.
Gain: My Dad and I have an even stronger bond than I think we may have
had otherwise. I learned that I could trust him to be there for me, to
come back for me, that he wouldn't leave me.
2. My inocence, which I have honestly never felt I had even when I was
tiny. Surgeries, being held down for poking and prodding, needles and
the like took that away.
Gain: When I tell someone "I understand. . ." you can bet money on it
that I sincerely try to place myself in their shoes, something I don't
believe most people try to do.
3. My childhood *for the same reasons as above*.
Gain: I've retained a childlike quality that has had definite
advantages over the years, especially when around uptight 'grown-ups'!
4. My mom abandoning us when I was 18 and hardly being available even
before that. She suffers from clinical depression and even when
medicated was eratic at times.
Gain: That I can take the good from our relationship and turn it loose
on my Children when I have them!
5. Abuse from kids, being punched kicked and spit on.
Gain: I know how damaging bullying REALLY is and am looking forward to
one day participating in some kind of campaign against it. I'd love to
see it brought to the congressional floor and made illegal *there are
already whispers that this may be coming to pass*.
6. Learning that adults could not be trusted to protect me *school
officials blew my parents off until we sued the school and they were
found guilty of neglegence among other things*. Even after that though
I didn't feel safer. People on the whole have proven time and time
again that they will laugh, point, stare or gather up friends and
family to come stare at me when I'm out in public at times, even to
this day.
Gain: I've managed to retain my humanity and still have an addiction
*Desire isn't strong enough of a word* to help others.
7. My brother's suicide via methamphetamine overdose.
Gain: Not sure.
8. A loss of personal space and even more important than that, a
belief I developed that my body didn't belong to me, rather it
belonged to my parents, my doctors/nurses, even to strangers who have
come up and put their hands on my face without permission.
Gain: My autobiography that I'm working on. "The Messenger Unveiled"
Observation: I've done my absolute best. Reading over this, I've seen
where I've made similar comments before, just written them in
different ways. I have fought this idea in the past, abiding by the
fake it till I make it statement. If I say it enough, write it enough,
think it enough I'll believe it. Now as I look over these losses and
'gains' I find myself feeling on one hand very similar, like these are
just made up answers for this 'homework'. On the other hand, I see the
validity of SOME of them, which is a giant improvement over my usual
all or nothing feelings and attitude.
4, dealing with my mother feels untrue and I left 7 blank for the same
reason. I did try to think hard about what I may have gained from my
brother's death. . . Truth is that year my dog Grace died 1/2309, my
brother died 09/07/09, my sister's dog Duke the second weekend in
November and my cat Snowball just one day before Thanksgiving ALL in
that year. Needless to say that was hell and finding a silverlining on
death tends to elude me unless the person is old and has lived a full
life. I thought about writing "My brother treated me like his baby
princess, thereby teaching me how valuable I was so I gained him while
he was here." That felt insincere. I thought about saying that his
loss gained me the opportunity to step up and eulogize him at his
memorial service, but this to feels fake. Truth is I'm always the
strong one, the 'rock' to the point that being strong is not a good
thing in my book these days, it just means your the one who gets
picked for the most unsavory jobs or volunteers for them, 'because I
can and others can't'. Being strong for me is also equated with
burying emotions, not crying in front of others, instead letting them
cry on you and lean on you.
Alternately I've been moving towards the opposite, crying a bit more
frequently, but still alone or only with those I trust most. My coach
or my BFF. I'm beginning to recognize it as a strength. It's just been
corrupted for me like laughter. They say that laughter is the best
medicine, but I can just as easily laugh hysterically so I won't
collapse and drown myself in an ocean of tears. So some of those very
same healthy coping mechanisms have become unhealthy for me because I
rely on them too much.
At any rate, these are my answers. Smile.

Week 1: Lesson 7, Creating A Space For Love

This posed a problem for me, so I reached out to my group asking for support.
Because this is an action step and not necessarily a 'writing step' the blog that follows is an excerpt of me asking for help and explaining WHY I need the help.
Welcome to my ever cluttered life!! Smile.
 I live with my Dad and am completely unsure of how
to complete the exercise of creating a space for love.
I'm wondering if you have any suggestions if you'd be willing to share?
Space is tight here and my family is not all welcoming and lovy-dovy.
 I wouldn't ever invite a love into this house. We're right on top
of each other, the family room is at one end of the house and the three
bedrooms are at the other end. My Dad and I share a wall, my other
wall connects to the bathroom and the bathroom wall connects to my
stepsisters' room. You can hear ANYTHING and EVERYTHING going on from
room to room. TV watching, music listening, bathing, you get the idea.
The second issue I have is that yes my room is cluttered because I do
everything in here. So there's a TV, a computer, two stereos, you get
the idea.
I have no room that I could move my computer and TV to.
This also means my room is cluttered. I've cleaned out what I could
and am in the process of throwing away or giving away what I don't
need. At the moment when you open my door and walk into my room the
right wall has a box of print papers and a bag of CD'S on top that
I've been meaning to get rid of, just waiting for someone to take me
to Goodwill to drop them off. Then there's a table with my food on it,
boxed and canned goods and my telephone. After that it's my computer
desk with my computer and my biggest stereo. Next to that is a box
with more print papers and a couple VHS tapes in it. The wall there
contains another skinny tall shelf with a few stuffed animals *my
faves, I boxed up the rest of them*, my toiletries and the like. Next
to that is my dresser with my TV and DVD player on top. Next to that
is my closet and next to that a coat rack. Then there's a wall with my
bed against it. That wall also has a window. Finally my last wall
contains the head of my bed, my nightstand with my microwave and my
baby stereo on top of that. Next to that is my CD shelf and my bedroom
Needless to say, I think you get the idea of just how cluttered things
are. So getting two nightstands or a double bed would be nearly
impossible, even if I had the money for those items. Smile. I already
store everything including food and toiletries in my room so I'm not
sure about buying pairs of coco mugs or even towels. I'd have nowhere
to put them but in my dresser. Smile. I would think this wouldn't make
them out and welcoming.
The assignment is to in fact, prepare for love by putting things out in pairs, making room in your closet for another to put their things, etc.
Still waiting to hear back from some of the group, but I was about to put up Lesson 8 and thought I needed to put up lesson 7 first!! Lol.
Happy reading!
Again, thank you to anyone whose reading this, you are AWESOME!!

Week 1: Lesson 6, Imagining My Lover

I went into this late night meditation with a perfect memory of what
my Desire was. . .
I managed to sit on the floor for a full 10 seconds or so before my
mind kicked in and I wasn't thinking about my soulmate.
I started thinking about my ear infection and whether it was
completely gone, that it was interesting that my doc put me on
steroids to 'dry me out' *I have fluid behind my eardrum so kept
hearing a whooshing sound in my ear* since I'd never heard of anyone
being put on steroids before for an ear infection. I'd already done a
course of antibiotics.
Anyway then I started thinking about this commercial break
80scommercialvault posted on quite a while back.
The ad break is from MTV back in the 90's, and one of the commercials
is a public service announcement about drinking and driving. "Old
Ainsign" is playing, the car crashes and the narrator says: "Don't
play with death. . . don't drink and drive!"
Sidenote here, I'm fully blind, no light perception even, and have
been terrified of public service announcements since I was a little
girl. I mean terrified to the point of waking my mom or Dad up at 3AM
in a panic or refusing to get out of the bathtub until a scary psa got
over. In our old house the bathroom was just off the livingroom so I
could hear it from the tub.
I managed to push through the fear and even tried to hear my voice
saying: "I'd like to tell you a secret. . ." in line with imagining
telling my soulmate a secret about myself, thinking if I could imagine
myself saying the words I could pull myself back on track. No dice.
Then I started thinking about how hard my floor is, how I ought to
vacuum it soon, how my hands and feet are cold. . . their always cold
in this house! Dad keeps temps at around 70, and with our house being
so big the heat whether from the fireplace or the furnace doesn't warm
the entire house so the bedrooms are almost ALWAYS cold in the winter.
So cold that we all sleep with several blankets sheets and comforters
on our beds. I currently have flannel sheets and two comforters.
Then about my posture, I'm not sitting up FULLY straight. . . I moved
my arms from my sides to resting on my knees. I called it off after
I'm thinking maybe if I go back to doing 'Morning Pages' from Julia
Cameron's "The Artists Way" maybe that'll help.
Interestingly enough, when I spoke to one of our members a couple
weeks ago though, I was doing much better then and I hadn't meditated.
She just told me about the assignment itself and I said something to
the effect of:
"I imagine I'd feel giddy! Ecstasy would run through me! Elation! I'd
Desire to stay with that person and not leave their side *I would of
course*, but the feelings of excitement and joy would be such that I
would Desire heartily to stay in their presence because I'd feel so
'up!!' when I was around them I wouldn't Desire the 'come down effect'
that happens."
For example: when I'm going to a concert I get excited!! I mean I wake
up after only 4 or 5 hours of sleep thinking I NEED to sleep longer
but can't because I'm so excited about what the night holds. I spend
all day waiting waiting waiting! The closer it gets the more euphoric
I get and by the time we're climbing out of my Dad's car and walking
towards the building I've got butterflies whooping in my stomach! I
hear the music pounding and people talking cluttered near the open
door and smell the cigarette smoke from the designated smoking area
outside and feel like sprinting past everyone into the building! When
we get in the first door and I'm standing with my ID out waiting to
have it checked and get a wristband put on it's almost too much for me
to bear! It's like my brain is on overload and almost shuts down as a
coping mechanism. It's almost too much. When we get our IDS' checked
and wristbands on and head inside I smell smoke and alcohol and hear
tons of hooting and hollering, some people are already drunk and
though I'm not a huge fan of being around drunk people the euphoria of
knowing I'll meet the band after they play outweighs any feeling of
discomfort or nervousness the drunk people would normally evoke in me.
Then there's being in the mosh pit itself, the feel of bodies on
bodies, but not slamming or crowd surfing. . . rather the people that
tend to cluster around me are more LIKE me so our bodies rub together
and bounce up and down and sway side to side together. It's like we're
moving as one person, one body, of one mind and one feeling! All is
forgotten, whether it's an aching ankle or the need for a bathroom,
whatever it is, I forget it. After the show is over I hit another even
higher state of euphoria waiting for the band to come out. I RUN to
the bathroom and pray the whole time that the line won't be too large
by the time I get there. While I needed the restroom, it's also
keeping me away from my true Desire, too be near the band, hug them,
shake their hands, thank them. In the case of a lead singer it's
keeping me from sharing more than just a 'hi' with them, keeping me
from connecting on a wildly deep level with them, hearing their voice,
touching and being touched by them *whether it be physically or
emotionally and it's almost always both*.
After the meet and greet as we're leaving, there's a part of me that
longs to do it all over again, too stay longer spend more time, get
closer. . .
So I write all this to say I imagine that is what being with my
soulmate would be like. Only, since I'd be with them forever, the ebb
and flow would be different. There would be concert highs brawn out
for weeks followed by a plateau for weeks or months followed by
another great high.
The plateau happens in the concert when a band comes out that I'm not
interested in. And as I said, when we're leaving part of me is longing
for it to never end. Another part of me goes into review mode and I
usually can't come home and go straight to sleep. I have to eat, to
relax to evaluate everything the singer said and everything I said.
As for that blasted psa, I know it had nothing to do with the
meditation at hand. . . however, if I felt like analyzing, and I do, I
analyze EVERYTHING, I'd say it represents my fear of intimacy, of
closeness, of dropping my guard to ANYONE who doesn't already know me.
The trick about me is: I can tell you anything and I mean ANYTHING.
Whether we're online or offline, I can tell you anything! But the next
time you call me I might not call back. The next time you write me, I
might not write back. So I run before you can run from me. I appear as
an open book and will tell anyone anything, but where as you might
think: "She really trusts me. I feel honored." I might be thinking:
"Ok, said too much, time to make a break for it!"
This doesn't always happen and it happens with women much less than
men, but it still happens.

Week 1: Lesson 5, My Desires

I Desire to be pregnant with a Baby girl!!
I Desire a fulfilling career working with both human and animal Babies!
I Desire a secondary career of public speaking, educating people about
numerous things ranging from people who are facially disfigured or
visually impaired to bullying and why it's so harmful to a child's
psyche and should be taken extremely seriously and dealt with
I Desire for there ALWAYS to be music in my life, concerts with my
favorite artists as well as having a band of my own for fun, a band
that takes songs like "Smells Like Teen Spirit" Nirvana, and plays
them on pianos, cellos, violins, flutes, using instruments to play
rock songs that you wouldn't typically expect to be used!
I Desire to have material possessions with stories behind them, that
are important to me, not just there to show off how wealthy my family
I Desire money on a grand scale, think Bill Gates kind of money, that
I may provide to fund research and cures for diseases, to build
schools for children here and abroad, to create rehab facilities for
drug addicts and alcoholics, homeless shelters for the homeless, no
kill animal shelters for cats dogs horses and other domesticated
animals in need, more trauma centers, environmental facilities. . .
Enough money to help make this world a better place in any way
I Desire sexual experimentation with both sexes and ultimately a
loving home, a place of unconditional love between myself and a
partner or partners *just depending upon how my sexuality plays
herself out during exploration*.
I Desire feelings of ecstasy in my life, to wake up in the morning and
feel utterly fulfilled!!
I Desire many adopted Children, at least 3 perhaps more!
I Desire to feel needed, loved and cherished, accepted, respected and
adored, valued, like my opinion matters and like I am a genuine member
of my community both locally and world wide. Like I am part of a
global community that sincerely Desires to grow and expand, to be
accepting and inclusive, open and trusting, loving and welcoming!
I Desire to feel that there is a more equal distribution between
myself and my immediate family and my world wide family, that I am
giving 60 and their giving 40 or 55/45!

Week 1: Lesson 4, Choosing Essence Qualities

Everywhere I turn there are opportunities for intimacy.
Everywhere I turn there are opportunities for intimacy.
Everywhere I turn there are opportunities for intimacy.
Everywhere I turn there are opportunities for intimacy.
Everywhere I turn there are opportunities for intimacy.
Everywhere I turn there are opportunities for intimacy.
Everywhere I turn there are opportunities for intimacy.
Everywhere I turn there are opportunities for intimacy.
Everywhere I turn there are opportunities for intimacy.
Everywhere I turn there are opportunities for intimacy.

Trust is my hearts guiding compass.
Trust is my hearts guiding compass.
Trust is my hearts guiding compass.
Trust is my hearts guiding compass.
Trust is my hearts guiding compass.
Trust is my hearts guiding compass.
Trust is my hearts guiding compass.
Trust is my hearts guiding compass.
Trust is my hearts guiding compass.
Trust is my hearts guiding compass.

Unconditional Love
I am surrounded by unconditional love.
I am surrounded by unconditional love.
I am surrounded by unconditional love.
I am surrounded by unconditional love.
I am surrounded by unconditional love.
I am surrounded by unconditional love.
I am surrounded by unconditional love.
I am surrounded by unconditional love.
I am surrounded by unconditional love.
I am surrounded by unconditional love.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

I Am/I Feel

Remote. . .
Brooding. . .
I am all these things.
Falling. . .
Crumpling. . .
I am all these things.
Injured. . .
I am all these things.
Murdered and murderous,
Gutless. . .
I am all these things.
Disinterested. . .
Hindered. . .
I am all these things.
Betrayer and betrayed,
Beligerent. . .
Toxic and intoxicated,
Swinging, swirling. . .
I am all these things.
Restricted. . .
I am all these things.

Friday, February 3, 2012

"Calling in The One" Week 1, Lesson 3

"Calling in The One" Week 1, Lessons 1 and 2!

Here are Lessons 1 and 2 from Week 1 of "Calling in The One"
Lesson 1: Opening Myself Up To Love
I sat cross-legged on the floor and repeated 10 times, "I open myself fully to give and receive love."
My arms were exhausted after only 10 times so I will come back to this exercise later today to complete the 26 times.
Note: I did NOT do as I'd planned and have yet to carry on with this.
Lesson 2: "I Am Connected To Everyone And Everything"
I sat on the floor cross-legged, hands on thighs and did this for 3 minutes.
I appear to be very tired as any amount of sitting *without doing* so sitting still is making me yawn often, sometimes mid exhale or inhale.
I'm being gentle with myself and NOT getting annoyed about this.
I also notice, something that has been fairly consistent for me for a number of years, when it comes to 'imagining' things, whether it's energy or light, something that is intangible and I can't feel, I begin to draw blanks.
If I have not seen it or have not touched or experienced it somehow, it becomes alot harder for me to envision.
Note: I have yet to do this again either.
Truth is, I feel the exact opposite of what I'm saying I feel here *can we say contradiction??????*, and at this point, ANY excuse, no matter how big or how small will work.
As I said, I do Desire a partner, however, sabotage is afoot OFTEN!! Whose idea was it to program a brain this way anyway!!??? Inquiring minds Desire an answer!!

"Calling in The One" Work

I'm listening to a book by Catherine Woodward Thomas called "Calling in the One".
It's about calling "The One" into your life.
Among all my various and sundry posts I'll be sharing posts on this topic as well.
Just a tiny note for my readers so they don't wonder what's going on!
I haven't given up on my surgery posts either, though the feeling there has been dry for a while. I haven't given up on creating my life posts *inventing my future in other words* either, but dragging my feet is definitely more like me.
It's funny how the brain works. . . I Desire a partner, I Desire to be recognized for my achievements, I Desire to create a new future for myself etc, and yet my brain, like everyone else's has sabotoge on it's. . . er. . . mind. This naturally means I have to fight my brain in order to post anything here.
Sometimes creating a post for this blog is like pulling a tooth without novacaine! Other times, I post one post and think of 20 more I could write right then and there!
So my Desire is to push through this resistance and post post post!!!!
Thank you for reading!

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

A Meditation On Thoughts in the Shower

I've decided that taking a shower is both the best and WORST part of my day, sometimes more than once a day! *Can't help it, the power of the great showerhead is one hell of a motivator*!!! But I digress!!
The shower seems to be my place for thinking! I have no idea why this is, but there you have it.
So while I was in the shower tonight I was thinking about this blog.
It is my sincerest Desire that this blog will somehow, some way make money one day. Of course, this means I'm breaking all the rules because I'm not writing for an online how to site, which means this blog is my thoughts all the time!
Secondly, I DO NOT insert spaces between paragraphs, or more accurately, I DO, but when I cut and paste my blog from my email into my blog, the editing function DOES NOT! *PAIN IN THE ASS*!
Nevertheless, that is my Desire.
This lead directly into my next thought which was on bullies, bullying, etc.
I've been hearing Shinedown's new song "Bully!" for 2--3 weeks now! Great song by the way! And for at least a year there's been talk of bullies online and offline. I must confess, my immediate and visceral reaction was:
"Where the fuck was all this 'we're against bullies!' talk when I was standing at the bathroom sink at chesaning middle school in chesaning michigan scrubbing the spitwad some bastard had just hocked at me 14 years ago off my face!???? Where was the 'It Gets Better' campaign then???
I'm thrilled to know outreach groups exist! DO NOT mistake my words! I. AM. ECSTATIC!!! However, if I said I was only thrilled and not enraged!!! I'd be lying.
My second reaction was the thrilling one.
This thought lead into a third.
How deep am I willing to go on this blog? I'm working on my autobiography "The Messenger Unveiled" and I go DEEP there. And honestly, I go deep here to. Just take a look at my Swamprot post! So I go deep! But was I willing to go deep on a blog celebrities WILL read?
I say WILL read, because I've made a vow to myself to act as if! Another way of saying: 'Fake it till I make it.'
So did I Desire their managers to read this? Their representatives, them??? How about someone from Congress? Or the President himself?
Considering the discrimination I've faced and witnessed others face I seriously had to think about it.
Of course, two seconds later I thought: "To hell with it! Singers do it all the time!" Eminem most notably, but others to! If I'm going to get backlash I might as well start and end that way! No point hiding it until I myself am in the spotlight doing public speaking and the like.
I was drying off when I thought: "Yeah, I'm ready. . . bring it on!!"
And that was just in the shower! You wouldn't believe the things that crop up when I'm listening to music!
I generally have a difficult time posting thank you comments to my readers, but I deeply appreciate all of you!
If you feel so inclined, please share me with others!
With Love,