Thursday, December 29, 2011

Doing What I Desire How I Desire!!

I had this brilliant idea, and really, I didn't have it, rather it was suggested to me repeatedly by one and another specialists in their various fields of expertise that I write out how I Desire my future to be. With 2012 being the last year I plan to endure life in the family house I grew up in, or rather, did the last part of my growing up in, I thought at the time that it sounded like a great idea! Of course, now it's December 29th and I've gotten exactly one day written up, January 1st. Beyond that, I have no idea how I Desire my year to go and writing out a DAY BY DAY 'list' of how I Desire it to go sounds completely boring and I've run out of time to 'get it done' before January 1st arrives anyway.
I confess to not completely abandoning the idea, however I'm also working towards recovery from a cold and having been under the weather my creativity isn't exactly flourishing. It's more like: "Hire someone to write it up for me and I'll sleep for another 6 weeks or so!"
Hm. . . Not exactly functioning, right? My thoughts exactly.
So I propose instead that I 1. Take my time and 2. write something totally outlandish!
I further propose that I'll only include details when I feel like it and skip them when I don't! You don't need to know how I ended up in bed with a frontman for a kick-ass rock band, all you need to know is who put what where when and how fantastic it felt!
That definitely frees up my schedule a bit now doesn't it! *enter the voice of sarcasm here*

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Apocalypse 2012????

This week is Armageddon week on History II *cable channel 203 on my local Charter Channel lineup*.
I've been watching the Nostradamus Prophecies, and tonight their showing the 7 Signs of Apocalypse.
I watch all this not because I believe it, but because I can handle it and it doesn't scare the shit out of me.
Everything that has been discussed tonight has happened before. The threat of another ice age *everyone learns about the ice age in school*, asteroids hitting earth, meteors or commets or any other such catastrophe from the sky has happened before, along with ocean tides rising and volcanoes erupting. Wars, famines, plagues?? All already happened/happening. So the only difference here would be the 'bigness' if you will of the catastrophe. So volcanic eruptions covered 30% of the earth last time? This time they'll cover 80%.
Now that's just me creating numbers, but my point is this. I've also read alot of Sylvia Brown books. According to Sylvia the Mayans ran out of ink, which is why the calendar stops at December 21st 2012.
So what if she's right? What if Nostradamus is also right and while some of his prophecies have come to pass, what if other prophecies were warnings? I don't think it's to far fetched for me to ask this question, after all even the Bible talks of human beings having this thing we refer to as FREE WILL!!!! So what if Nostradamus and the people who wrote Revelations and Sylvia Brown and Edgar Casey are really saying this: "The year 2012 is a year of raising global consciousness. It's a year of change and we have a golden opportunity here. *Not to get all cliched on you but nonetheless. . .* We have a chance to change how we treat ourselves and each other. Now, it is up to you to read what we've written and watch the programs people have created and decide for yourselves which way you Desire the world to go. The world can either end in agony or end in Peace. How do you want it?"
I'm definitely not belittling the things that have happened to us all, there have been a great number of tragedies in the world. I do criticize my fellow human beings for burying their heads in the sand though and thinking that global warming is a crock and that we can go on raping the earth and Mother Nature and God aren't going to stop us eventually.
I don't dispute that the world will end one day either. What is it we're told from a very young age? All good things must come to an end. Ok, so they'll end and they do. But I believe that HOW they end is something we can impact and put our stamp on.
Generally speaking, I confess to not being the most optomistic person. I'm not the most pesimistic either. . . But it occurs to me that all these things appear to be meant to put the fear into us, unless we start trying to view them in a different light. I don't know about you, but I'd rather decide that I have a choice and I can affect change than decide we're doomed and lock myself in a basement somewhere staying high as a kite and waiting for the end.
Finally, if I'm wrong and the world does end 12/21/2012, there's still nothing to be afraid of. We'll move on. Now whether you believe in God, Allah, the afterlife or that we all turn into ash is no concern of mine.
Point is, we'll move on and you won't have time to be crying about your death because guess what!!! YOU'LL BE DEAD!!!
Just my two cents for what their worth.

Monday, December 26, 2011

More Contemplations of the Midnight Variety

Dear KURT:
Tis me again!! I know, your surprised, right? Lol.
It was a pretty calm Christmas all things considered. I think I actually don't mind being 'this kind of sick' on Christmas. Don't get me wrong, nobody wants to be sick! It isn't like their greatest Desire or anything, however, if one HAS TO BE SICK on Christmas, this is the way to go. Stuffy nose, coughing fits that make it impossible to laugh *without being triggered* and night sweats that make one think it's summer!!!, are definitely preferable to courting the toilet bowl with ones bum or face in my humble opinion!
I called my mother today, BECAUSE I DESIRED TO DO SO! Yes, most would agree, this is definitive evidence of my sickness considering we once got along about as well as oil and water get along. At any rate I called her today and I was 'so sick' in her opinion no criticisms came down for my not visiting. In fact, when I told her what B had told me she said: "It never should have come up in our conversation. It's just she was telling me about something else and. . ." A part of me thought: "Hm. . . The green eyed monster popped up again so you had to outdo a tale of someone else's whoa with one of your own. . . I get it!" But I let the thought go unrepeated. Why stir the pot? As evidence of either my illness or my Grandmother's trying to get into heaven syndrome *I haven't figured out which yet* she gave B homemade Banana Nut Bread to give me so B dropped it off around 6:30 or so. I was greatly appreciative, even called GMa to thank her! Had to leave it on her message machine though since I guess she was still at Aunt K's house.
It was one of those Christmases where you just let it ride and I think because of that it went really well.
Dad and R brought home a plate for me and it was actually fabulous!! Moist turkey, mashed potatoes, chocolate pudding with chocolate cookie pieces in it and a piece of chocolate cake!!!! Woohoo!!!! Can we say best feast ever??? I was so excited I forgot about the stuffing! Lol.
The morning went well to, the girls got everything they wanted and I had wrapped up my SEETHER shirts the night before so I unwrapped them this morning raised the box over my head and screamed "SEEEEEEEEEEEEEETHER SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIRTS!!!!!! Ahhhhhhh!!!" Lol. Dad and R had given me $100 for Christmas so I bought my own Christmas present this year!!! The interesting thing is that I was okay with opening only stocking stuffers and the lotion the girls got me but according to R she and Dad felt bad that I had nothing to open. Funny how that works as an adult. Dad kept asking me if I had a boyfriend in my box. Lol! I said if I had had one it would have actually been E and S so there would have been two boyfriends! Lol. I've always adored you but since I can't bring you back to life. . . I'm kinda screwed there! Lol.
Aside from the Christmas festivities *and I must say here before moving on, I believe I'm getting used to being alone on Christmas*. I think that's a good thing since they say acceptance is the first step to any 'next steps' one might wish to take. . . So go me!!
But aside from that I was contemplating finding the contact info for the big news corporations. NBC, CBS and ABC. And of course MSNBC and CNN. So I was here in front of the computer looking up info, google sucks by the way!! Thinking I'll go back to the library and ask if they have that sort of info in a big book along with other corporate contact info, because Google doesn't have it all in one place and I don't feel like searching 10 websites, but anyway I was so tired I actually put my head down at my desk and rested for 5 minutes just getting up the energy to move to my bed for a nap! Thing is my sleep schedule is usually kinda funky, but with me being sick it's gotten way more outta whack. I got maybe 2 hours of sleep last night so I'd already been up like 2 or 3 hours by the time we opened presents. I went back to bed around 9 and got up at 1:30, then was exhausted like I'd been up for 5 days by 3:30-4 and slept until 6:08. Then I was up until the rents got home with the food and was feeling dead tired again. It was around 9:30 when they got home. So I ate and was fighting off bed till about 11. Wanted to give my food SOME TIME to digest. So I was in bed at 11 and woke up at 1:22 and got up at 2:32 and so here I am writing you now. I feel kind of tired just writing this, but not exhausted yet. I'm waiting for the exhaustion to set in. If I go to bed 'tired' it's not enough and I'll toss and turn. I could have stayed in bed earlier had I not tossed and turned! Lol. So as I said, pretty messed up!
One has nothing to do with the other accept that I was writing on my thoughts and I Desired to start trying to get a jump on the new year plan to get myself out of here, but became to tired to do so. honestly I'd ask Holl to look for me, but I need to be right with her when I ask otherwise she'll forget. Lol.
On the flipside, if my plan doesn't work I've decided January 14th 2013 is the end of it. Along those lines of thinking I'm going to buy the DVD of Unplugged and ask someone to watch it with me and describe the setup you've got going on. I like roses, not lilys, so I may use a mix of roses and lilys.
I've been thinking about writing my will out, but truth is I have nothing to terribly valuable. I mean I have CD'S, which to me are the most valuable thing in the world *next to my girls of course*, but I don't know who to will them to that would hold them in the same high esteem I do. I mean I even change cases when they get cracks in them. Not everyone does that. And there's the Girls, I'm not sure who to will them to either. I think if I were gone Dad would want them more all of a sudden, maybe view them as an extention of me, but I can't say that for sure and I DO NOT Desire them to go to a farm or a pound somewhere! Beyond that there's my clothes and DVD'S, my Christmas ornaments and miscelaneous stuff. Papers and stuff. They could burn those if they wanted, I don't care about them. There's my stereoes and my DVD player and TV. . . my bed. But even writing it down makes it look unimportant. It's all just stuff. Maybe I should just leave it as is and only write out notes to everyone. As for what they do with me, I don't much care. I once thought being buried was the end all be all, but they could cremate me. It's not a big deal. The body is just a shell. The spirit and soul are long gone from there so they could cremate me and I wouldn't care. So that's the other thing I was thinking about today. Only, truth be told, it wasn't as in depth as I just wrote it to you.
I figure whatever I do to myself Unplugged will be on in the background when I go. Maybe I'll put Finding Beauty SEETHER on the other stereo. And if there's a showing I want a couple songs to be played. One from you and one from SHAUN should do it. Not sure which ones though. "YOU KNOW YOUR RIGHT" and "FUCK ME LIKE YOU HATE ME" are the first two to pop up ironically. . . but I think something happier, more on the order of "LITHIUM" and "WALK AWAY FROM THE SUN" are in order. I need to figure out what the best thing to do is.
Like I said before, truth is I feel alot more free knowing 'this is it'! I feel relieved and unburdened and like I'm not staring down the barrel of 20 or 30 more years like this.
I was watching the Nostradamus Effect" and "The Lost Book" tonight and getting a feeling from that to. Like 'this is it!' really! THIS IS IT! This is THEE YEAR! This is drastic change! Whether or not anyone believes in prophecies really doesn't matter because you can feel it in the world, in the energy shifts around us! This is a turning point for us as human beings and I genuinely believe that. There will be huge sweeping changes for us! I don't think the world is ending, but I do think there will be a major shift in consciousness and I feel like I'm supposed to be here for that, like I'm supposed to play a role in that, therefore I WILL be provided with what I need to get up and out on my own and start a life of my own. It's weird to be considering death and life right next to each other. It's like the grafts my teacher used to make for me. She always had a line down the middle separating the two sides of the paper and that's how I feel my life is right now. One the lefthand side is life, on the righthand side is death and the two are paraleling each other. One step left and one step right. I'm willing to gamble as it were, because I know what I'm meant to do and am that confident that if things won't piece themselves together I'd have no feeling of regret going right instead of left.
Does that make sense to you? I can be ok because I KNOW where I'm supposed to be and what I'm supposed to do. So if it doesn't come to pass for me to do it in this year, time and place then I'm alright letting go because I will have put my best foot forward from the end of 2011 through to January 14th 2013.
So that's where all my thoughts were today. Jumbled as usual, right? I know you aren't surprised. You know me to well for that.
I thank you for sticking with me all these years. I always come back to you when I need something resolved with certainty or need clarity on something. There's something about writing while listening to Unplugged that always gets me. This is the closest I'll ever get to a trance like state I think! Lol.
Tons of love,

Saturday, December 24, 2011

`Morning Pages, Dearest KURT

Dearest KURT:
I have to say, this one isn't speciffic to you, I could have written SHAUN or whoever. Alternately, I could have just as easily titled this Midnight Pages instead of Morning Pages. . . Lol.
Either way I was thinking and it's 4AM and I have a feeling I'll never get to sleep if I don't get this random junk heap off my chest.
Funny, it's nothing speciffic. Here's what I mean.
They've played "CLASSIC ALBUMS: NIRVANA "NEVERMIND"" FIVE, yes, I said 5 times this week on VH1 Classic! Their calling it Rock the Halls week. Hahahaha get it? Rock the Halls VS. Deck the Halls? Lol. So I've watched it every time, yes, even when it aired at ungodly hours like 3AM!!!! I still watched!!! And when Butch was talking about "IN BLOOM" and how you guys put it altogether, at the very end where you sing: "Mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm. . ." I swear I heard garbled sounds underneath your voice.Suspicion tells me it was you communicating again. The first time that happened was when I was still in school and going through such a rough time I was contemplating suicide. I had that dream you were holding me in your lap and talking to me. I woke up thrilled and yet frustrated because I couldn't remember exactly what you said! Now that I've made my 'plan' for 2013 if my life doesn't change I wonder if you're trying to tell me to hang in there again. I wouldn't be surprised, but I had to watch every time to be absolutely sure I was hearing what I 'thought' I was hearing because I swear I've watched the show a billion times before now and never heard that!!!
So yes, that thought was directly related to you, but then I was thinking about my mother and that isn't directly related to you, hence why I started out by saying I could have written to anybody.
I really feel ok about my mother's death. Thing is I've been mourning her, the real her for so long that finding out that the organs of this woman AKA my mother, but who doesn't act like my mother, are shutting down doesn't feel the way most people might think it would.
I mean I'll probably always miss the mother I used to have, the one who would sing to me and bake cookies with me and the like to one degree or another, but this one, the one whose dying? I can't honestly say I miss her. Does that make sense? I know some people say it does, some say it doesn't.
Like I wrote you in October though, I think you know something about this *death* I mean, that I don't. I think I'm getting better at handling it though, which Dad's always pressuring me to do. So that has to be a good thing.
On another note entirely I've been trying to figure out how to make a huge splash in 2012!! People have helped me take a vacation to Miami and one to San Antonio so I could check out housing and transportation, but I've been trying to figure out what the right trigger/button is to push to get help in moving out and starting a life of my own. I can bring the violins but I seem to lose the sustainability factor. I can bring the pain but I have an inability to 'keep the pain' going or something. Go figure!!!
I've considered joining and have already begun to change this current blog of mine into a launching pad. I've thought about getting a hold of big news corps like NBC, CBS and ABC, but then I'm back to the violins and how do I bring them to their knees??
It is my Desire to be the FEMALE version of you one day, so is that selling out? Going to big news outlets I mean. I don't feel bad about it, so I'm guessing I'm on the right track. I feel like I'm doing what I have to and there's no shame in it! I also know I'm overthinking, focussing way to hard on the HOW as opposed to just doing it. There's planning and then there's OVER planning and let me tell you, I do a fabulous job of overplanning sometimes!! Overthinking, overanalyzing, their like my middle names or something!!! Seriously! What's up with that???? I mean WTF???
And then I was thinking about how I'm feeling. What I mean is even with all this chaos and this bloody cold of mine I feel pretty good. I'm definitely sleeping more during the early day then at night, but I'm still getting in family time and I feel pretty good about everything! Ever since I decided that I wasn't going to let this life or lack thereof drag on for the next 20 years I've felt Guuuuuurreeeeeeat!! Like Tony the Tiger Great!! I feel optomistic and like it's summer all the time! Mind you it's like 10 degrees outside and we're getting the occasional dusting of the white stuff on the ground here!! Lolz!! But I feel like that Fresh Prince song "Summer summer summertime! It's summertime! Let's just sit back and unwind!" I'm even getting excited about Christmas and I haven't been this excited about that since I found out Santa wasn't real!! Er. . . according to some. Dad swears up and down he is, but that's another story entirely!! Lol!
And there was the time I got tickets to see ELI just before Christmas. . . so that was a kick-ass Christmas!! But this year I'm actually excited about Christmas itself, the giving of a present to be very speciffic!!! I'm a genius gift wrapper and I can't wait for Dad to open his!!! Man I rock!!!! So all in all, I'd say it's a definite summer mood for me! I Brag I've even been able to cherish old memories I have of being 'alone' to all the awesome music that came out in the early 90's and I can handle that without bawling like a baby!!! I think I'm on the right track here!!
I Brag I even got all my Birthday Gratitudes done before my Birthday!!!! I did them all from 1986 to present and I knocked it out of the park!! Usually I drag my feet on such projects and don't get done at all, or if I do it's MONTHS after I had planned to!!! Did I happen to mention I rock???
I gave KittyKitty two of her 5 meals she's getting this year, cuz I never gave her her meals last year, nor did I remember to give Holl's Kitty girls their meals, so KittyKitty's getting both sets this year. Lucky Duck! Though she's a Cat, lucky Cat just doesn't have the same ring to it. Lol.
My thoughts have just been cartwheeling lately and I feel like I could write you for hours and hours and yet write very little. . . or "SAY" very little. Either way it'll be 4:30 in one minute and I need SOME sleep so I can function later today considering it's Christmas Eve and Rebecca will need all kinds of help.
Much love to you, Mark and everyone else and do me a favor PLEASE??? Look out for SHAUN. . . I swear he's headed down a path of disaster and he's been cropping up in my thoughts alot lately.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Letting Go

I may not update this blog daily, but when I do update they tend to be long. This will be no exception.
Last night my coach asked me what it would take for me to 'let go'. I said I haven't been able to talk about my feelings on certain things, my brother's passing for example. She asked if talking would help and I said point blank: 'I don't know.'
Truth is, I don't know. I may not take every piece of advice given me and I may not always appear to be listening and 'following' the formula', whatever that formula may be. However, I do listen and even when I don't do something, if it was good advice or a good suggestion I tend to remember it long after it was spoken.
Lately, I have been letting go of SOME THINGS. Old emails even those written to the loves of my life *they know who they are*. I have let go easily and felt rather light afterwards to be honest. I've deleted old recipes and sent the good ones to another email address I have speciffically for saving such things.
I hung up with my coach last night and blasted The Boom Box Sessions and other outtakes from 1991's epic "NEVERMIND"!!
Part of me was pissed, affronted! I throw away half of my popcorn that was cold and no longer tasted good anyway! No, I'd have never thrown away milk chocolate. . . that's punishable by death! But the popcorn no longer tasted good and I was so angry not AT her, but at the thought of 'letting go' and the fact that there's no formula to follow I felt like crawling in a hole and hibernating for the rest of the winter!
Fast forward to today. It wasn't a particularly out of the ordinary day. I bought some SEETHER Tees' from the SEETHER Shop and went grocery shopping. I came home and punished Sadie for eating yet another thing, this time a gift, a puzzle to be speciffic!! I put her in the cage because it's to cold to keep her chained outside and as I emptied my trash in the big can in the kitchen the words: "This hurts me more than it hurts you. . ." popped into my head.
It really did. I know she suffered in a puppymill. I know they bred her ruthlessly and kept her confined to a cage otherwise. So of course, I thought: "How could you!!???" My only other option was spanking and I. am. not. a fan of spanking! That's not to say that I've NEVER spanked her, but I do it sparingly. As in I've had her since the day after Valentine's Day of 2009 and probably spanked her twice, maybe three times in that span.
Later in the day I got on the phone to listen to a couple issues of Rolling Stone and one of the first articles I read was on Amy Winehouse. Speciffically, the putting together of her posthumous album that came out December 6th. I started getting misty but I figured it was 'just one of those things'. I'm a sensitive person to begin with so I carried on reading. The next article I came across was a Q&A session with Michael Stipe on the end of R.E.M.
And low and behold I start weeping! Weeping! Over R.E.M!! Now, don't get me wrong, I love me some "Losing My Religion" or "It's The End Of The World As We Know It" or "Man On The Moon" or "Bang and Blame" or "Drive" or, one that always really spoke to me/the isolation of my childhood: "The Wrong Child"
"I will try to sing a happy song
I'll try and make a happy game to play
Come play with me I whispered to my new found friend
Tell me what it's like to go outside
I've never been
Tell me what it's like to just go outside
I've never been
And I never will."
"The Wrong Child" as written by William Berry, Peter Buck, Mike Mills, Michael Stipe
Lyrics © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.
Thank Goddess for
And now I'm really wondering: 'WTF???'
As I said their cool but they aren't my NIRVANA, though Michael def ranks up there with KURT! He just isn't typically 'the man' I'd be weeping over.
So how do all these incidents relate to letting go?
The end of R.E.M was finalized, official. There was a stamp placed on it. They've put out a final farewell album, their all still friends and life goes on.
Sadie's punishment ended. I let her out of the cage, took her out to go potty, brought her in and loved on her, fed her etc. She knows it's over. There was an ending.
Amy on the other hand left unfinished business. KURT left unfinished business.
Some of the things that have happened to me in my life have been left unfinished. My brother is dead and logically I KNOW he's dead. My HEAD, my BRAIN isn't disabled and uncomprehending. I KNOW he's gone. We held a Memorial Service and I eulogized him.
But there is no body and there was no body. We held a Memorial in Saginaw, he died in San Antonio and was cremated in San Antonio and his egg donor has some of his ashes. I have none.
Same situation with school in general. School SUCKED for me, whether it was attending school when I was a girl or going to the NFB center in LA. In the case of the center I went in feeling isolated and left feeling isolated.
The bigger picture here, is that in order for me to let go, I would have to stop being shunned and discriminated against. Meaning from here on out I would learn to do anything I didn't know how to do, IN OR AROUND MY HOME, where I feel comfortable. Where applicable of course. I couldn't learn to sky dive here at home! Or if I attended college I wouldn't, under any circumstances be told that my Notetaker was to noisy and I needed to 'leave the room' and take my test 'somewhere else' so the other students could have it quiet. Back in the day it was my Braille Writer that was to noisy and I'd be sent to the Science room where they kept all the chemicals for the lab to take my tests.
Also in an ideal world I would be given a PUBLIC apology and the schools *in chesaning* would not only apologize, but ADMIT guilt and neglect and start implementing school policies that would prevent other students from suffering what I did. Anyone who knows the whole story knows that being sent off to another room to take a test was the least of my problems though also damaging. The punching, kicking and spitting upon my person were in SOME ways much worse.
So, barring those things happening, WHAT ELSE would I need to 'let go'???
That's the $64,000,000 question and at this moment, I'm not sure I have the answer.
I know when I was listening to my coach talk last night what kept running through my head was a quote from the "Classic Albums: "NEVERMIND"" VH1 series.
"And I think what he found which is certainly true, I think of many successful people is that he became rich and famous and all the same things were still there. He was still from a divorced family, he still had difficult relationships with that family and he still struggled for his place in the world."--Unknown Person
So the next $64,000,000 question is am I going to end up like KURT COBAIN because I haven't found a way to let go of 'everything'? And when I say end up like, I could easily pose that question of anyone who hasn't let go of 'everything'. So I don't mean 'end up dead like' or anything similar.
I'm more inclined to believe that we let go of things as we age and as we figure out how, so I'm not 'doomed' however, there is a part of me that now feels threatened like: "If you won't release everything, this minute, then the Universe won't provide for you and your fate is sealed!"
NOT a good way to be thinking when I'm trying to get to a fabulous new year and putting it all on the line for said new year!