Gratitude Challenge Day 20:

Reflect on what the Gratitude challenge has meant. . .

It's given me a chance to stop and smell the roses as it were. It's
given me a chance to realize just how much others do for me, and how
much I do for others and the world around me.
It's giben me the chance to get happier and even more Grateful then I
already have been.
I'm fit to bursting with all the opportunities I've had these past 20
days to reflect and be Grateful!!!
I think I ought to do this every year, once a year just to take stock!!

Gratitude Challenge Day 19:

Thank you note.

Dearest Michelle:
Thank you!!! Thank you for participating in the Gratitude challenge
again!! Thank you for examining just how kind you can be, how many
things you can find to be Grateful for when you truly look for them,
and for just being willing to go with the flow thus far!!
Thank you for reminding yourself just how awesome you are and how
awesome the people you've surrounded yourself with are!!
Can't wait to do it all again Sister!!

Gratitude Challenge Day 18:

What makes me lovable?
My laugh, my lovin', my sweetness, my stubbornness, my refusal to give
in/give up, my Babyishness and inner-child, my playfulness, my
sensitivity, my love for others, my willingness to put myself in
others' shoes, my ability to listen and understand, my hair, my
smarts, my sense of humor, my singing voice, my confidence, my smile,
my strength!!

Gratitude Challenge Day 17:

One thing I'm Grateful for today??? . . .
I'm Grateful that ELI and I stayed home all day!!
He made me breakfast in bed, gave me a full body massage. . . which
lead to LOTS of Pussy Pleasure. . . puuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrooooowww. . .
and more massaging and a bath and. . . lunch in bed and dinner in bed.
. . Lol!!
We got to feel Livia kick several times during the day and we napped
and cuddled and played and we turned our phones off and aside from me
typing this up just before we head for bed, we've been off the grid
all day!!
It's been fantabulous!!!!
Oh. . . if only every day could be like today!!

Gratitude Challenge Day 16:

Stand in front of the mirror for five minutes and focus on at least
five things that you love about yourself. Write
them down in your journal.


I love. . .
1. My loooong flowing silky hair!!
2. My sweet smelling soooooooooft skin!!
3. My butt!!!
4. My boobs!!
5. My Pussy!!!!!!!!!!!
'Nuff said about her. . . Lol!

Gratitude Challenge Day 15:

Take the time to focus on yourself. Appreciate and give thanks for
your unique personality, skills and talents.


I'm Grateful that I'm so compassionate and gentle.
I'm Grateful that I'm loving and firm, strong and gentle all at once!!
I'm Grateful that I can sing!!!
I'm Grateful to have thrown myself out there head-long into everything
and to have fallen and jumped right back up!!
I'm Grateful for my upside down successes as well as my genuine successes!!
I'm Grateful that I'm learning to tone down my need to be right and my
stubborn streak!!
I'm Grateful that I'm putting them to good use these days!

Gratitude Challenge Day 14:

Today, make the effort to live life with a positive outlook. Restrain
from criticizing the people around you. Dare
to see the glass half full. Listen more than you speak. Give freely of
yourself. Practice kindness at every
opportunity.


Today was amazing!!!
I'm sitting here tallying up all the acts of kindness I did today,
didn't realize you could do so many in one day!!

I paid for some one's parking meeter, cleaned up a bathroom floor
littered with paper towels, paid for another person's lunch, bought a
cup of tea for a homeless person, helped buy groceries for an entire
family in need, picked up a text book for a friend who didn't have
time and dropped it off at her dorm, invited my friends to an improm
tu dinner party, took the leftovers to a sick friend's house, and
stopped off at the neighbor's to clean their Cat litter and feed their
foster Cats before coming home to bed.
It's been a very looong day, but an extremely productive one and I
wouldn't have it any other way!!!
What's more, one of our snarky visiting profs tried to rain all over
everyone's good mood this morning and yes, I restrained myself by
killing the guy with kindness!!
Would you believe my classmates followed suit???? Even I was shocked!!
Woohoo, go us!!!

Gratitude Challenge Day 13:

How the Gratitude challenge has changed my perspective thus far??
I've known for a while that I had a fabulous life these days. It's
been fabulous pretty much ever since I showed up here in Boulder!!
However, sending out Gratitudes into the Universe has only made me
realize just how fortunate I really am. If I compare 2 years ago to
today??? There is no comparison!! That's how fabulous my life is right
now!! I'm overflowing with Gratitude!! I'm flooded with it, and
sending it out into the Universe has only brought it back to me
ten-fold!!! Maybe 20-fold!! Lol. It's just been wonderful!!
What's more, I've been passing it along at work and now others are
undertaking the Gratitude challenge with me.
I mean I already participate in a walking club a swimming club and a
bike riding club. Why not a Gratitude club? So that's what we're doing
at work now.
We're all noticing the effects to.
One of my coworkers got a check in the mail unexpectedly and another
one met a Great Woman the other night!!
As for me. . . my relationships are coming along swimmingly and Livia
is even seeming to notice, kicking and splashing around quite
merrily!!

Gratitude Challenge Day 12:

Pick three friends or family members you see regularly. View their
actions and gestures through a positive lens,
assuming their goodness and witnessing their best intentions.


I'll be honest, I don't like this one, it throws me severely!!! Lol.
Nevertheless. . .

I'm Grateful that ELI always encourages me, even when he has his own
fears about how things will play out.. He always encourages me no
matter what!!!
I'm Grateful to Cheryl. . . she is an extremely negative person, but I
realize that whenever she acts or speaks her actions and words are
coming from a place of fear, not a place of understanding and so I
choose to forgive her and be grateful for her presence in my work
life.

I'm Grateful for the homeless man I pass daily going to and from work.
He has nothing, but he always has a kind word to say or something to
offer. He'll help elderly people cross the street or give people
directions. He knows Boulder like the back of his hand!! He's a very
smart man and I'm Grateful to know him!!

Gratitude Challenge Day 11:

Looking through the eyes of a child, give thanks for all you take for
granted, down to the basics of your current life. . .


Hm. . . I'm grateful for the song I'm listening to right this moment:
"I Could Fall in Love With You" by Selena.
I'm Grateful for the Spanish words she's whispering right now.
I'm Grateful for the feelings of love and wonder this song evokes in me.
I'm Grateful for the soft breeze I envision blowing through my open
windows while Selena sings.
I'm Grateful for the rocks I was skipping in the water earlier today.
I'm Grateful for the water!!!!
I'm Grateful for my tv and my radio!!
I'm Grateful to have all the bills paid!!
I'm Grateful for my bed and my dresser and my closet and my nightstand!!
I'm Grateful for my animal girls!!
I'm Grateful for the roof over my head!!
I'm Grateful for the maintainence people who keep everything up and
running for me and are so nice and polite!!
I'm Grateful for transportation whether by bike or car or train or
plane or bus!!
I'm Grateful for clean water to drink and fresh air to breathe!!
I'm Grateful to be alive!!!

Gratitude Challenge Day 10:

5 senses:
How many gifts have I received from them?

1. Hearing.
I heard a Baby cry, a Cat meow, E's breathless voice. . . many
breathless voices actually, a violinist so fantastic it brought tears
to my eyes. I heard many different voices: some nasal and some clear,
with accents and without *in other words they sound like my family of
origin*, some voices that were high and some that were low, some thick
and some thin.
I heard phones ring, car doors slam, apartment doors bang, horns
blare, bells jingle.
I heard people sinnging, chanting, conversing. I heard laughter and
smiles in people's voices.
I heard guitars and drums and clicks and pianos and other weird sounds
that some one put on a loop to play off and on during the songs.
2. Smell.
I smelled roasted almonds with cinamon. . .
I smelled the pancakes Eli made withchocolate chips and strawberries
with whipped cream!!! YUM!!!
I smelled people's distinct smells as I moved through crowds and into
and out of stairways, elevators and other places where they had been
before me.
I smelled apples and oranges and and bananas and other fruits at the
fruit stand SHAUN and I went to.
I smelled gas at the gas station and exhaust from a car.
Shay and I walked past a building not yet open where people were
painting and I smelled my Dad as he to is a painter and I could see
him there instead of the nameless painters who were there.
I smelled Baby powder and that Baby smell that all Babies have.
I smelled the inside of my CD cases, the CD cover booklets. . . I
smelled the coffee brewing in the office where I went to ask for
directions because I passed my original destination. Lol.
I smelled pepermint hot coco and orange juice and chocolate milk.
And those are just what I came up with in the past few minutes!!
3. Taste.

I tasted all different tastes when I was kissing my lovers over the
past few months. . . everything from wine *YUCK!!!*, to mint to
orange. I tasted the skin and juices of my lovers, savored a juicy
peach and a delicious pear. I've tasted salt and sour and sweet. I've
tasted anything and everything as tasting has been something I've been
engaging in ALOT since I've moved.
4. Touch. . .
I've touched skin that was soft and skin that was rough. I've traced
scars and the raised bumps on the arms of those who were cold and
those who were. . . HOT and those that are just always there like the
ones I have on my arms. I get them from my Dad.
I've touched the wet silken folds of my lovers and the course hair of
others most intimate places. I've touched fur and faux fur and treated
and untreated wood. I've touched asphalt and cement and gravel and
grass. I've touched tile and marble and carpeted stairs. I've touched
leather seats and satin sheets. I've touched circles and squares and
rectangles and triangles. I've even touched cylinderical objects and
cubed objects.
5. Intuition:
This will be the most difficult sense I've under taken this year. We
take intuition to mean knowing when "bad" things will happen, but it's
much harder to follow your gut on something or pick up on the fabulous
things that are happening around you.
This year I have intuited the fabulous alongside the not so fabulous.
I "just knew" that ELI and I were right for each other. I was right. I
just knew that Shayla and I were a match and we are. I knew about
SHAUN and Maggie to.
I knew that the girls would adjust beyond my wildest dreams and guess
what!!?? They have.
Sadie has tons of friends from the Dog park and KittyKitty in all her
Catitudinal glory adores E!! She lets him pet her belly!!!!!!!!
HELLO!!!! She doesn't let ME do that and I'm her MOTHER!!!
Her sores from her alergies are all gone and she has been playing with
Sadie! That's another thing, Sadie's PLAYING!!! And I mean really
playing!!! I never saw that coming.
I found myself a Great doc who is actually concerned ABOUT ME!!! She
listens to all my concerns, spends as much time with me as she can and
gets me help from specialists as needed!!
I'm on ZERO meds and life is grand!!!
How's that for intuiton?

Gratitude Challenge Day 9:

Talents Abilities and Personalities!
Here's today's.
Enjoy the people around you. Take a moment to appreciate their unique
talents, abilities and personalities.

Honestly can't remember what I did for this last time, but that's
probably a good thing anyway!! Lol.

I'm going to do something like I did with the thank you notes, but
with less spelling errors!!!! Lol.

Dear E:
I love the way you sound when we're making love, the way I can hear
that smile of satisfaction and appreciation before, during and in the
afterglow.
I love the way you laugh during sex, how it seems to bubble up from
somewhere way deep down inside you and how relaxed it makes me feel.
I figure if you're cool with the weird things that can happen during
sex then why shouldn't I be? Lol!!!
I love the way you hold me and the way you talk to Olivia.
I love the silliness that you indulge in so often.
I love how happy you are. I didn't even know it was possible to be that happy!!!
Thank you Baby, thank you!!!!

Dear Shala:
I love your singing voice!! It's something to behold!!
I love your belly-dancing capabilities to!!
Thank you for being so willing to teach me how it's done!!
I love how comfortable you are in a crowd. I've been learning to take
my cues from you!!
Spank ya Lady. . .

Dear SHAUN:
You have this infectious laugh. I swear the whole world could come to
some horrible end and we'd be laughing even as we died!! Lol.
I adore your hair. . . I could play with it for hours upon hours. . .
yes, I know, that's what's gotten us into trouble before, but who
cares?
I love how thoughtful you are, always bringing roses or a little box
of chocolates, a bottle of perfume or even just some organic fruits
and veggies.
I love that you do things without my having to ask. You just seem to
anticipate and do accordingly.
That ability may not have come easily based on the childhood you had,
but I truly appreciate it.
Thank you Babe. . .

Dear Maggie:
Thank you for your wisdom. I love your knowledge Girl!! Lol.
I love your ability to dress well and help me do the same.
I love the fact that you have such a fantastic visual memory you can
even help me to "see" things!! Your descriptions are incredible!!!
I love your intuition to.
You like SHAUN seem to "just know" things.
You all rock!! You're awesome, fantastic, vonderful!!!!!

Gratitude Challenge Day 8:

Thank you notes!!!

Dear Shayla,
Today is about sending Gratitude to those whom I don't thank enough,
and you are one of them.
I am Grateful to you for taking me under your protective wing when I
first got here. I knew very little of anyone inside or outside of
University, and even those I felt attached to I didn't know very well.
You took me out and showed me around from Boulder to Longmont and
Aurora. Great memory by the way!! Thank you for that to.
You taught me about the place and you taught me about the geography of
a Woman who wasn't me. . . Thank you!!I shall be eternally Grateful.
Here's to you my Sweet. . .

Dear E:
Thank you forgiving me our beautiful Babygirl. Without you I wouldn't
be carrying her, and I have no words to express my Gratitude.
Thank you for realizing just how capable I am even when I ask for
help. My biggest fear was that asking for help would detract from my
abilities in any person's eyes who wasn't visually impaired like me.
It's a constant uphill battle to be taken seriously with any
disability *as you've witnessed*, and I was afraid that you to
wouldn't take me seriously or worse, would see me as lacking,
incompetent or weak if I asked for help. I'm thrilled to find my
worries were over nothing!!
Thank you for your fabulous command of Denver and it's bus stops!!
You've proven envaluable there to!!
Thank you for opening up to me and being vulnerable. Your
vulnerability allowed me to expose mine to.
I love you Baby, thank you. . .

Dear SHAUN:
Oh. . . where do I begin exactly??? Thank you for the vote of
confidence when I was dealing with that egotistical Prof from the
other University who came to "learn us" for a few months. Think we
learned him personally, but that's another story entirely!! Lol. *huge
grin*
Thank you for that twisted little surprise on our lunch break. . .
still can't get over that!!! It was one helluva diversion though. . .
they should call you the stress buster!!!
Especially effective for upcoming tests and finals!! WARNING!!! do not
drive after use!!! Lol. What am I saying? DO NOT DO anything after
use! Just rest!! Lol!!!
Thank you for going to sooooo many concerts with me!!
The fact that you'd drive to Texas and Oklahoma and where ever else
over this summer so we could see all our favorite bands was
awesome!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you for being the best roadtrippin' buddy ever!!!!!
Can't wait to see you, E and the others tonight!!!!
Stay safe my Love. . .

Dear Maggie:
Thank you for everything Mamas. . . the shoulder to cry on, the
massages, especially since I've become Pregnant!!!, for the late night
study sessions, the cooking, the cleaning. . . thank you for helping E
and I find a mid-wife who we trust.
Thank you for walking us all through this since you've done it before!!
Thank you for the love and comfort since I've been here, but more
speciffically when I first got here and had a bit of a rough time.
Thank you for the love and understanding and patience.
Thank you for encouraging me to dream epically and do my thang as you say!!!
Huge hugs!!!

Thank all of you for your support, love, incredible amount of
patience!! For your staminas, resilence and tenderness.
Thank you all for your knowledge of relationships, love and give and take.
Thank you for being the most loving family I've ever encountered!!
I may never know what I did to receive all of you, but then again,
does it really matter what I've done?
I think not.
I love you all!!
Hugs, kisses, and. . . LOTSA dirty thoughts!!!!!

Dear Hailey:
Thank you for being an awesome friend!!!
Thank you for the travelling we've done and all the trouble we've
gotten ourselves into!! Lol! Couldn't have done it without you, my
fabulous partner in crime!!!!!!
Thank you for rockin' so damn hard!!!
Thank you for all the bartop dancing and the karaoke and the gooffing
off when the lectures were just to damned boring and to damned
long!!!!!!! Lol.
Thank you for being the one to shout out that. . . particular comment.
. . the one that made the prof's jaw hit the floor, the one he never
figured out who said it because there were over half the student body
there!!!!!!! LOL!!!!!
You have no idea how long I spent snickering and unable to raise my
head for fear of being caught!!!!!!!!!
Thank you for being full of energy and my little live wire!!! I can't
believe I went so long without one of those!!!
Love you Baby Sister!!!

Gratitude Challenge Day 7:

Today is about taking stock. . .
I'm Grateful for the Babygirl I'm carrying, Olivia Marie!!!
I'm Grateful for my lovers: ELIAS R, Shayla, Maggie and SHAUN C.
I'm Grateful that Liv will have so many people who love her.
I'm Grateful to have a roof over my head, food on my table and all my
bills paid!!!!
I'm Grateful to have so many concerts to attend and so many people to go with.
I'm Grateful for all the awesome songs I've heard over the past year!!! Woohoo!!
I'm Grateful for all the wonderful people I've met!!
I'm Grateful for how easy University's been!!
I'm Grateful that learning comes alot easier to me than it did when I
was in my teens!!!!!!!
I'm Grateful that people actually take the time to teach me nowadays,
whether it's a prof or a friend!!
I'm Grateful that I've grown and changed so much over the past year.
Feels like I've blossomed!!!
I'm Grateful to have so many people that love me and to not have to be
alone unless I choose to be.
I'm Grateful for the new perspectives and outlooks I've been learning
from others.
I'm Gratevful that I've proven myself to be just as open-minded as I
believed myself to be!!
I'm Grateful to simply be. . .

Gratitude Challenge Day 6:

Today's is to take a picture of a person place or thing that you feel
Grateful for and share it.
Yes, you'll notice I finally wrote "GRATEFUL" instead of the other way!!!!!!
Let's just say that when you write in Braille shorthand for 20 some
odd years you sometimes miss the boat when writing on a
computer!!!!!!!!!! Lol. I have difficulty with words that end in
ation, ion, and shion to! Lol. Or ance and ence!
Anyway, on to today's project. . .
If I could take a picture of something I'm Grateful for it would be Garfield!!
I love this fat Cat more than I can say!! Lol.
Even now when I watch all the old cartoons I get a good laugh from
them. I do like the new "The Garfield Show" to, but "Garfield and
Friends" will always be my favorite!!
I'm Grateful for Garfield because as I said, he's always good for a laugh.
The show also can be quite educational with Orson reading all those
stories and Garfield making up the faux educational stories about why
the telephone was invented and how lasange came to be.
I'm also Grateful to him because it gave me a reason to get up early
on Saturdays!! Thing is he was just soooo cool I never cared that I
was supposed to be sleeping in or to have wanted to sleep in!! Lol.
I'm Grateful for the slapstick and the fantastic memories!!
Not to mention there's just something about watching Garfield that
makes me feel all warm and cozy like I'm sitting in front of a roaring
fire on a coooold winter night with a piece of Good Times Pizza, a cup
o' hot coco and perhaps a small bowl of popcorn to! Lol.
Ok, I admit it, I also love him because my apetite for junk is as big
as his!! Lol.
I'm lucky I'm not as big as he is!!! Lol.
Believe me, it taint for lack of tryin' though!!
Only lately have I been trying to slim down, but that's another story!!
Thank you for the fabulous times Garf.
Can't wait for more!!

Gratitude Challenge Day 5:

The Phone Call
A few years ago it was my brother I used for this.
This year I'm going to use some one else who's played an equally
important role in my life though I never met him.

Hello Kurt,
I just wanted to call Heaven's Line and tell you how much I appreciate
everything you've done for me. Back in 89 when "BLEACH" came out I was
only 3 and when "NEVERMIND" busted down the doors of the establishment
in 91 I was only 5.
By 1993 when IN UTERO came out I was 7 and the day you died I was 8
years, 2 months and 23 days old. To young to have seen "SMELLS LIKE
TEEN SPIRIT" when it first debuted or "UNPLUGGED. . ." when you first
recorded it.
In fact, it didn't stick in my head fully,you didn't, until I
celebrated my 11th BDay in 1997 nearly 2 and a half weeks late because
my Great Grandmother had died bearly a week after my actual BDay came
on the 14th of January.
At any rate, you've made a lasting impression on me.
I used to fall asleep with "UNPLUGGED. . ." spinning on repeat. It was
the first CD of yours I ever owned. "NEVERMIND" was the first tape of
yours I ever owned. "UNPLUGGED. . ." came from Walmart *go figure*,
and "NEVERMIND" came from FYE in Fashion Square mall.
Naturally I remember the music, but what I remember more is you.
I've written tons and tons of these
how-KURT-COBAIN-came-to-be-in-my-life stories before, so I'll spear
you that.
I'm calling to say thank you!!
Because as I said, it was you that got me, even more than the music
ever could have.
I know I know, calm down. I can hear your frantic breathing, can
practically see you jumping up and down shouting about how it's the
melody!!!
But for me, it was your message.
I needed to hear it more than you'll ever know and that's what I want
to thank you for.
Thank you for holding my hand.
Thank you for listening to me vent and scream and cry.
Thank you for being my shoulder to lean on and my body to squeeze when
I needed some one.
Thank you for holding me on your lap in that dream I had when I was
thinking SERIOUSLY *as if all the other times weren't or haven't been
serious since then* about killing myself.
Thank you for rubbing my back and stroking my hair and telling me it
was going to be alright.
Thank you for telling me to hang in there and stick it out.
Thank you for never judging me!
Thank you for always loving and respecting me.
Thank you for giving me a soundtrack to destroy things to and laugh to
and Self-Pleasure to and dance to!
Thank you for coming to my aid again when I came up not just with a
plan but an actual date for suicide this last time.
Thank you for inspiring SHAUN MORGAN to pick up a guitar!!
The Man is a genius and he wouldn't be here if you hadn't come before him.
Thank you for casting your looooooooong shadow over all these years.
Thank you for giving me faith and some one to believe in.
Thank you for leaving such a vast amount of performances behind.
I'll always wish there was more, but I am eternally Greatful.
Thank you for everything,
I love you. . .
Hugest of hugs.

Gratitude Challenge Day 4:

I'm Greatful for negativity!!
Today's challenge is to write a list of thanks for the negative things
in your life, however my life is on one helluva upswing, so negativity
has taken quite a backseat!!

I did get a C on a final exam, one that I studied extremely hard for,
so there's one negative thing.
I'm Greatful to have had that happen because I survived it!! I got a
good grade in the class over all and I know I did my best!!
So it's a wonderful reminder that the world won't end because I get a
bad grade!!
It's also a good reminder that it wasn't a personal affront to me, my
ego. . . it just was!!

Gratitude Challenge Day 3, SEETHER Album!!!

NOTE: Please remember, these are 2013 Gratitudes!!

I'm Greatful to find out that a new SEETHER album is in the works,
with a release date around August of 2014!!!!

I heard this on a local radio station as well as read it on an
extremely popular blog posted by rock insiders!!!
I am so over the moon and ecstatic I can bearly contain myself!!!
SHAUN always delivers and I can't wait to see what he and the boys
will be delivering this time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Their tentative title is
"Blood on the Dance Floor"
Sure this is an amusement more than anything else, but I wouldn't
complain if it were the real title!!!
They could name it "Monkey Spank" and I'd buy it, but that's another
story entirely!!!!! Lol!!!!

Grattitude Challenge Day 2 Greatful Alphabet Soup!

Ok, I signed the contract and engaged in all this 2 years ago, but
just finally got around to posting all the Gratitudes here within this
month.
It should also be noted that the original postings took place during
November, and there was only 21 days worth, including the signing of
the contract.
With that out of the way, here my Gratitudes!!
And, since I'm doing this in December, I'll see if I can do only
Christmas based Gratitudes!
A. Apple pie with whipped cream! That's what we have at our house!!
B. Bags, as in Gift Bags!! I love when they have decorations on them
that you can feel!
C. Christmas Music!!! I love Christmas Music!!
D. Decorations! Talking Snowmen on sleds and santas', Angels and the like!
E. Everything I missed. . . Truthfully, some of these letters are
difficult, or already taken, so stockings, fire in the fireplace,
Santa! Icicles!!! Brrrrr, but also so awesome to feel!!
F. FOOD!!!! Lol. Who could pass up the food???
G. Gifts!!!! 'Nuff said! Lol.
H. Hallmark!!! The talking decorations they release!
I. Igloos, snow forts and snow angels!!
J. Jingle bells!!!! Hello, can't believe I forgot this, or almost
forgot it!!! Love the sound of bells!!!
K. Kindness. When we give to Goodwill or the salvation army. We give
all year, but there's something about giving at Christmas time that I
can't really explain.
L. Lights, because I like the warmth I can feel when I touch them.
M. Mistletoe!! I've never actually been kissed under it, but I still
think it's awesome!
N. NONPOINT!!!!! Seriously, the guys do a show practically every
December at The Machine Shop, and it would feel weird if they didn't
play around Christmas time nowadays! Smile.
O. Ornaments!!! Love ornaments!
P. Pinetrees! The smell. Honestly, without a pinetree it wouldn't be
Christmas for me. No sprays will ever do! Lol.
Q. Quilts and comforters. With it being so cold around these parts
it's all about being warm and toasty by December!!
R. Reindeer!!! Love reindeer and actually got to pet some once!!!
S. SNOW!!!!! Snowmen, snow, sledding, anything to do with it!!!
T. Tape: I love the smell of wrapping tape. This to reminds me of
Christmas and without it, I wouldn't feel "right"! Lol.
U. Umbrella. Because it rained just over the weekend. Not something
you normally think of, but as I said, weird weather!
V. Velvet. Again with the warmth factor. When it's hitting 10 degrees
you need HEAT!!!! Lol.
W. Wrapping paper!! I just love this stuff, I could role around in it
like a Cat roles in Catnip! Lol. Just love it!!
X. Can't think of anything but a xylophone! Lol. 'Course, I did get
one of those for Christmas one year. . . Lol!
Y. Yule Log! Hello heat and warmth and comfort. . .
Z. Zip-up pajamas. . . I'm warm and toasty now. . .

Dear Baby Michelle *Ages 0-10* Part III

Originally Posted: Date: Sun, 5 Dec 2010 05:09:20 -0500

Dearest Little One,
I'm back for a third instalment! Hard to believe so much has happened
to us, isn't it? Some more touchy subjects here, so I must confess to
dragging my feet. I checked my inbox several times this evening &
posted several jokes & good stories first. . . but what I've really
changed my sleeping schedule around for is this, so its time for me to
get to it!
Surgeries & our birth story, very, very difficult to tackle. Divorce &
fighting & bullying are tough subjects to, but these seem to be the
most difficult.
You've learned about good touch bad touch, but at the time, it seemed
pointless. Though good touch bad touch was meant for your vagina, butt
& breasts, you also wondered why the hell it didn't cover what the
staff at the hospital did to you. That hurt, badly! So why was it
allowed? I'm here to say I couldn't agree with you more. However, we
learn to play the hands we're dealt in life, & our hand was the hand
of surgery. It wasn't fair, or right or just, all things you were
seeking. The truth is, life, no matter how old you get, isn't ever
fair, or right or just, it simply is. So we take the hand we're dealt,
shuffle our cards, & pray to Mother God that they land in a productive
manner. If you had not been born with your cleft & your blindness, you
wouldn't be who you are. Do you remember one time when we went
camping? I don't know where we were, but we were with K & some of the
cousins. The grandmother may have been with us to. Anyway, we went for
a walk & as we were passing by another camp site, a little boy was
being loaded into an ambulance. You didn't know him, hadn't met or
played with him, didn't know his family. You asked K as we rounded the
hill if you could stop & pray for him. You never found out what
happened to him, but you asked to do something most children wouldn't
have even thought of. All those times you were in the hospital & you
made beaded necklaces for your roommates or the time you begged the
nurse not to wake the little girl in the next bed over because you'd
witnessed the rough night & day she'd had, again, most children or
even adults wouldn't have been concerned about that. They would have
thought of themselves & wondered when they could get out of there & go
home! I KNOW you are a good little girl, a good person, & I know that
not just because I'm older or wiser, but because your kindness &
compassion comes through repeatedly. As I said yesterday, the things
you did, the acting out you did, doesn't make you a bad person, it
made you a little girl with alot on her plate, who didn't have the
conversational skills to speak up nor the skills she needed to cope.
Do you remember what it was like the first time you actually gave
money away? We were leaving Walmart & you gave to one of the
ling-lingers as Dad calls them. Do you remember how light you felt
afterward? How it seemed like your heart had grown wings & taken
flight? That's who you are!! That's YOU, the essence of YOU!
You are a wonderful little girl with a bright smile & a fantastic
sense of humor!
The birth story, the one you've been told, goes something like this:
K went into labor Sunday night at around 7PM *she'd been on bedrest
for about 3 months*, sent Dad off to work Monday morning & then he
showed up at the hospital at some point. He was a great birthing coach
& on Tuesday morning, January 14th, 1986, after hours of labor, the
bands holding you back snapped, Doctor Whiting had the forceps on your
head & between the bands & the forceps & the pushing, you flew into
the world! Doctor T, who was standing behind Doctor Whiting caught
you, they cleaned you up & didn't place you on K's stomach as they'd
promised. She started asking what was going on & before they whisked
you away, they turned you around & let her & Dad see you. She was numb
with shock & Daddy put his head on her shoulder & 'howled like a
wounded animal.' *her exact words*. They took her in, sewed her up &
in the meantime she kept asking for you. They finally got annoyed &
stuck her in a room with low lighting & gave her some valium. She
still kept asking for you & Dad went in to let her know he was going
to get a shower & change & would be back. She thought he was leaving
her. She called a couple people, the grandmother rushed right over,
but her best friend S initially thought she was joking when she told
her about you. When she realized K wasn't joking, she dropped what she
was doing & came out. Dad came back showered, with a dozen roses & a
card that simply read: 'Thank you for my beautiful baby girl.'
They did finally let K see you, in the glass islet, & eventually let
her hold you. You 'wouldn't shut up, but as soon as I handed you to
your father, you shut right up! I should have known then. . .' again,
her exact words. Then they had to move you from Saginaw General
Hospital to Motts Children's Hospital 2 hours south in Ann Arbor. The
notorious money scam comes up next, as the grandmother & the rest of
the assembled masses didn't have enough money to get you transported,
so the grandmother wrote a bounced check for $200 to get you into the
ambulance. She said you had the cutest nose & Aunt KD called you her
little M&M. Once you were transported, you refused to eat so they gave
you a feeding tube. You met your plastic surgeon Doc A 6 hours after
you were born & stuck with him even after he moved to North Carolina.
Anyway, that all happened on Tuesday. K couldn't travel, so she called
the hospital everyday until Saturday telling them to give you hugs &
kisses for her & tell you that she loved you. When she & Dad got home,
she instructed him to remove the playpen & any reminders of the fact
that you weren't with her. She used to cry about how she'd be a great
mother if only she were given the chance, & now it had come to this.
She was angry that other mothers got to take their children home right
away & she had to leave you there. Then they were finally able to get
there to see you on Saturday & you yanked out your feeding tube
immediately! The nurse put it back in, but you pulled it out. She put
it in again & you pulled it out again & she decided you were trying to
tell them something. It took them a while, but they managed to get you
drinking from a bottle, just a special bottle. K always followed this
up with the happy disclaimer that you were wanted & that if they'd
told her she could take home any baby in the nursery, she'd have
picked you up & walked out with you.
That's the birth story, from her perspective. Dad doesn't talk about
it much other then to say he doesn't remember howling but that doesn't
mean he didn't, he loved you & was angry like K, that you would be
blind & have to go through life struggling. K also said she was afraid
that you were in the dark & it took Doc A telling her you couldn't
possibly be afraid of the dark like she'd been as a little girl
because you didn't know what the dark even was.
Again, this is part of my healing to, & to be perfectly honest with
you, this hurts me to. It's hard for me to put into words the feelings
that have come up sharing this with you. I'm angry! Enraged really, &
my heart is broken! Shattered into a billion pieces, bleeding &
spurting & pulsating. It feels like I've raked us both over shards of
glass, jagged cold pieces cutting into our flesh & branding us with a
searing throbbing pain that won't stop! For that I am sorry. . . But I
need you to know there are two choices you can make now. Really, two
choices we can make. We can choose to remember the best part of our
birth, or we can choose to remember the worst parts. I can't think of
a clearer way to illustrate that life IS NOT fair! However, it's what
we do with the unfairness of it that determines how we'll come out the
other side. You missed necessary bonding with K. You lacked the love &
comfort of your family for 4 days & were robbed of endless baby
moments in those first few days. After your birth, Doctor Whiting
actually quit delivering babies because he blamed himself for how you
were born. You in turn, felt guilty that he felt guilty, that K &
Daddy felt guilty. All that is true & I stand with you in your pain,
your sense of being wronged & cheated! I stand with you in your anger
& rage! Now that we've stood in it though, it's time to release it. It
won't be easy, but then again, as the cliched saying goes, nothing
worth having *or doing in this case*, is worth having or doing without
the heartache behind it. It has empowered you to take perfect
strangers into your arms & mother them like they belonged to you. You
get plenty of opportunities with family members babies & then at a
daycare center during high school to prove this. Without your own pain
& loss, you wouldn't connect & bond with these babies as you do now.
When you were about 2 & a half, you went with K & the grandmother to
visit your Uncle JK. He had a baby girl & you spent your days playing
with & talking to her happily. At night though, when it was time to go
back to the hotel, the grandmother later reported that you:
'Demanded that we take our baby with us!'
Lol. Do you remember walking around the house with your shirt up
trying to breastfeed your babydoll Melissa when you were about 6-7?
Having those experiences & being reminded of them later on, as painful
as they were & are, left you I believe, better equipped to accept &
love other babies. Without those experiences, you would not be who you
are.
Same goes for surgery.
Do you remember Dad taking you for a ride on the little train & boat
they had while you waited for surgery? Do you remember picking out the
flavored masks? I know you always loved how they thought picking out
some flavored mask would make you feel like you had such control. Yes,
it pisses me off to! Who else was going in there feeling fine & coming
out feeling like crap? Then there was the way K got angry when you
didn't ask for her. Once you asked for the grandmother after surgery &
K got so angry, you tried to lie & tell her they misunderstood you,
but she wasn't buying what you were selling & told you as much once
she got you loaded in the car. That was back when your surgeries were
still out-patient ones. You asked her for something on the way home &
she said: 'The next time you need something, call your fucking
grandmother!' Then there was the time Dad went with you & was at the
door of the operating room. They had let him put on the booties & the
mask & come in right until the point they put the mask over your face.
You cried for him then as he left:
'Daddy!!!! Daddy!!!'
You felt awful for that. I know because I do to. Writing about it is
making the tear factory work overtime. I bring it up because I need
you to know it wasn't your fault. Dad doesn't blame you for calling
out to him. He knows you were doing what came naturally for you,
asking for help & protection when you were scared. Honestly, it's so
difficult for me, it's one of the few stories I haven't told
'everyone' over & over again. But this exercise is all about shedding
the guilt & I'm here to say, it wasn't our fault! It was a natural
reaction & there's no guilt or shame necessary. All children reach out
to their parents in times of need & adults reach out to each other in
times of need. Maybe not in the same way, but they do reach out. At
some point, probably around the time of the separation *at age 3*, you
began to think you had to be superhuman. You had to be tough all the
time & NEVER show weakness. It was absolutely NOT permissible! You
thought *though you couldn't say it at the time*, that if you got
everything right & never showed 'weakness' then you could keep them
together. As stated in the prior letters, that wouldn't have been
possible. It wasn't you, & it wasn't your doing or not doing that
caused rifts between them. It was all them! & you were simply caught
in the middle.
Anyway, the other surgical experience, that I've written about before,
where you were held down, was also hell & not right. Whether or not K
cares that it happened to you, I do! I know you felt frightened &
violated, like what they were doing was wrong & you wanted to fight!
You wanted to get up & run away! & those feelings are okay! Their
normal & acceptable & I promise, no matter what, I will always do my
best to make you feel safe now & forever! I'm not perfect, but I will
always do my best to honor & respect your feelings, to let you speak &
listen carefully to you. Everything that you think, say & feel is
important! It matters! YOU MATTER!!
Finally, on one last note, I must delve into more of your school
experiences. . . I know, I know. But since we've already been raked
over the coals twice tonight, why not make it a third time? Third
time's the charm, right?
When you first started school, at 2 & a half, you were exuberant! You
were bouncy, full of life & couldn't wait to get out there! You went
to the Millet Center, a place for disabled children. Your favorite
place was the Gross Motor Room. It was technically like a gym at a
regular school, but they called it the GMR because the physical
therapists worked in there. There were stairs & a swing & lots of mats
on the floor. They even had what appeared to be a giant air matress!
The teacher would fill it with air & you could jump & play on it.
exercises were common, but your favorite part was swinging on that
swing, it was long & set up so that 4-5 little ones could sit on it.
The one in front held onto one of the ropes pulling it back & forth in
order to make the swing go & the children behind the leader held onto
each other. Your other favorite part was when the matress had to be
taken down & you'd get to roll all over it crushing the left over air
out until it was completely flat! You also loved the classroom,
playing in the shaving cream!!! There was a girl there whom you really
liked, but the two of you could never get along! Lol. You'd bite each
other & pull each other's hair or pinch each other! Every time you
were in the little box house the teachers had created you'd end up
getting kicked out of the house & put in time out for being mean to
each other! Funny how you liked people back then. . . Good thing my
social skills & yours, have improved since then!!! Then there were the
jigsaw puzzles, the arts & crafts with macaroni, the finger painting &
the other friendships you had with the girls in wheelchairs & using
walkers. Oh, & the magnets, bouncy balls & beeper balls!! Who could
forget them?? I'm telling you all this because by the time 4th grade
in the public school setting came around, you had lost nearly all that
innocence. You went from bouncing down the driveway to the school bus
on that crazy loud horse you had to hiding in your closet & begging K
not to make you go to school. Somewhere between the surgeries & the
bullies & the separations & the fights & the insecurities & taking on
responsibilities that were never meant to be yours you lost you. In
fact, by the time 1st grade came around, you were already losing you,
& by the time 4th grade came around, you had packed up all the barbie
dolls & stuffed animals & put them on the shelf. You were in your room
nearly 7 days a week when you weren't at school & K & Daddy weren't
making you go to the store or to see family with them. You were buried
in your music & though you had friends over, it was like you had
already learned to live in 2 separate worlds. The friends world & the
grown up world. The grown up world was where you maintained your stiff
upper lip. You didn't complain & buried stories of pain & fear & guilt
& shame. K & Dad never needed to know you were being bullied or
assaulted nearly every day. You could handle, you could deal! At
least, that's what you told yourself. . . The fact that you ate an
entire cake all by yourself was a great indication that you couldn't
cope, but it was only partially noticed. Counseling was a joke most of
the time & your friends were kids themselves.
Well Babygirl, it's time to come out of the closet! I know your still
afraid, I'm afraid to, but we have each other now! I will take care of
you, protect you & love you the way you should be loved! I will listen
to you & cherish you & hold you & keep you safe! I will hold your hand
& stand beside you & walk with you! I will follow your lead & let you
out to play & not banish you anymore! I never meant to banish you in
the first place, I just didn't know how to handle things myself. If I
couldn't handle them, how could I ever help you to handle & understand
them? But that's all over now. I will treat you the way our brother
Mark did. You were his baby princess & he let you follow him
everywhere. He even let you hang out in his room when he had his
girlfriend of the day over! Hey, I can't lie, he changed girlfriends
the way he changed his underwear, daily! Lol. I will take over where
he left off & I will treat you the way he did, the way Dad did before
baby sister came along.
I love you baby!!! I love you I love you I love you!
Standing in the light with you,
Big Michelle

Dear Baby Michelle ages 0/10 Part II

Originally Posted: Date: Sat, 4 Dec 2010 02:44:06 -0500

Dearest Babygirl,
I'm back!
Again, there's so much to say, but we'll start with K this time. She
cries alot. A whole lot. She sits on the couch & wallows in her pain.
You know about those days, before you started school & after you
started school, during the summer months of vacation, because their
the days she doesn't play with you. As you get older, you'll find
yourself flopped in front of the TV with her, watching all kinds of
grown-up stuff. This isn't all bad. Who doesn't like some Sally Jessie
or Oprah, or Montel? Even some Phil D, Jenny & Rikki are in order on
ocasion, or some Leeza or Maury *especially when he has Jack Hannah on
his show! Those are your favorite episodes*! Anyway though, this
really isn't about TV, though those memories are good ones & should be
remembered. This is about K. She has this thing called Clinical
Depression & she takes medication for it. She told you once that her
brain wasn't producing enough of a happy chemical called serotonin.
Unfortunately, the meds go through phases where they seem to work,
then quit & she has to change them. The hardest part for both you & I
is to reconcile the woman we loved with the woman who exists today. I
wish I could tell you that she loved you, though looking back, signs
definitely appear to point to another conclusion. Either way, this is
what I can tell you, though it'll probably confuse you more then help
you. K did play with you, on occasion. She used to have this alter ego
*if you want to call it that* named Egbert. Egbert was your friend & a
little boy. You could tell him anything. I'll be honest, I don't
remember alot of what was said, so I can't tell you. What I can tell
you is that he had a distinct voice, & he came out when you asked
because to him you could talk & share everything with. He was an ally,
a confidant & someone you trusted. It seemed K could get out of her
body then, be playful & goofy, things she couldn't always do when she
was inside herself. Speaking of playmates, there was one more,
Turpentine. Don't ask me where that name came from, you came up with
it! Lol. You would sit under the kitchen table, it made lots of noise,
because it had these hinges so you could lift the table up & make it
longer that way *instead of having to add another leaf to it*. Anyway,
you'd sit under there, it was also situated over the heating vent in
the old house, so it was nice & toasty under there in the winter!
Anyway, you'd sit under there playing with Turpentine for hours. I
don't recall much more about Turpentine either, other then it was just
someone you played with & talked to. The funny thing is, if Turpentine
were a name, I'd guess it to be male, but you never really discussed
that with him, he just was, so it could have been a girl. For purposes
of this discussion though, we'll say he, because I don't like
referring to anything as an it. I think that makes them lose their
quality of being, whatever state of being that might be. K never
seemed to mind Turpentine & she didn't ever bother you about him. That
was another of her good qualities, she just let things be. She also
never told you that you couldn't do something. I've been avoiding this
because it's still painful for me to write, I'm crying as I write it,
but she used to bounce you on her knees. She'd sing:
'This is the way the ladies ride, the ladies ride, the ladies ride,
this is the way the ladies ride so early in the morning. . .' As she
got past the gentlemen & the farmers to the soldiers, she would sing
faster & faster & bounce you higher & higher! You loved that about
her. You also loved how she could sing all the words to other songs:
"Billy Don't Be A Hero", "Mountain Soldier", "Mister Bojangle", & "I
Don't Wanna Play House". You admired her ability to remember entire
songs & wanted to grow up & be just like her in that respect. You used
to sit at her feet while she got ready in the bathroom, putting on
makeup & the like. You would sit outside on a blanket in the summer &
listen to her read while Daddy did yardwork. She would do yardwork to,
but she'd finish before he did & come read to you, or read later on
when the night was cool & all the crickets were out, but before it
became to cool. On Sundays' you'd all go on bike rides & get back just
in time for America's Funniest Home Videos with Bob Saget! The
grandmother lived with you all for a while & would read you bedtime
stories at night. Daddy loved to listen to his Spanish music or
oldies, so you grew up with a healthy appreciation for all things old
& Spanish! K on the other hand, listened to the now music, so you also
developed a healthy liking for people like Brian Adams & bands like
Bon Jovi. Seal, Gloria Estefan, Paula Abdul, The B-52's & Debbie
Gibbson were also on that list thanks to your cousins M & C. They had
healthy appetites for the music of the late 80's & early 90's, which
contributed greatly to your musical education. One time when K got
sick *it was when she found out she was pregnant with baby sister*,
Aunt KD took you to McDonalds while K went to the doctor. I don't
remember much, but I know she did it to comfort you & you went to the
park afterwards. The grandmother took you to the park to. She would
chase you up the slide pretending to be the big bad wolf & you'd
squeal & run off as soon as you hit the end of the slide! The step
grandpa danced with you, your little feet on top of his big ones. He
also gave you piggy back rides & would carry you around the room
asking if anyone wanted a sack of potatoes! Usually someone would
invariably take you. He told grandmother he had some bad news for her,
he'd fallen in love with someone else. When she asked who he said her
granddaughter! Lol. They got married not long after that. You were in
the wedding, those little shoes with the boe & the non-heal that
clip-clopped making you feel all grown up! I tell ya, I wish I could
wear those shoes! Lol. I've been all over the map here I know, but
this is just how memories come to me. You'll forgive me if they aren't
in chronological order, what's important is that you know everything I
can tell you, but with the proper message this time around! Now I must
get a couple big confessions out of the way. When baby was born, you
were thrilled!! Absolutely thrilled!! Having said that, you were also
very jealous & the household was very unsettled. Daddy & K had only
been back together a little over 9 months & there baby was! You didn't
feel stable. You hated it when K would tickle Daddy because you were
afraid it'd turn into something bad *you'd already seen arguments &
separation, even if the big fight hadn't come yet*, so it was only
natural that you'd be afraid. K hated it & would yell at you to quit
being so upset & making a mess of things. Anyway, a year after baby
sister was born, a little over a year because she was walking & able
to move about, & after the Memorial day fight where Daddy ended up
with the broken leg, you had an argument with him. It was a Saturday
night & K was at work. I don't remember what the argument was about,
but you were really angry with him. You stayed up real late waiting
for K to come home from waitressing at the bar. Not long after she'd
come home & you saw her, baby sister woke up from a nap. They let her
come into your room & she tried to take one of your toys. At that
point, you weren't in any counseling or getting any help for your PTSD
or anything else. In fact, you hadn't even been diagnosed with PTSD
yet. Anyway, you grabbed her by the throat & choked her. I remember
that sound she made, the gurgling & gasping, & I remember how you felt
after that. You let her go & she ran crying to K. Neither of them came
to ask you what happened, they just let it go. You didn't though. That
night was the first time you went looking for a rope, the first night
you'd ever try to kill yourself. You had Daddy's recliner in your
room, & though they woke up & asked what you were doing, you lied &
said nothing. You abandoned the rope & went back to your room. Sitting
in that recliner watching "Three's Company", "Webster" & then whatever
came on CBS at 4 AM on a Sunday morning, you felt hot. If there was a
definition for hell, you felt it, new what it was. Your insides burned
from deep inside. Your soul & spirit were what really seemed to be
burning. It was akin to burning alive. K & Daddy didn't find out til
almost a week later. It was a Thursday when they found out *your
Braille instructor D called them in to school to tell them what had
happened because you couldn't bring yourself to*, & when they loaded
you in the car to bring you home, you just kept sobbing: 'I could have
been a murderer, I could have been a murderer, I could have been a
murderer!!' They got you into counseling not long after that, but you
sat around playing Hungry Hungry Hippo with your counselor N. At some
point, N would tell K that you were afraid of her. K used to grab you
by your arms & shake you when you really pissed her off. I don't
remember being afraid of K, just of wanting to show her that I'd fight
back, but the truth may never be completely known. We can't go back in
time to get 'the truth' of a situation, so all we can do is make our
best guesses. Either way, what's most important here is this. You
decided to take responsibility for choking baby. Responsibility is a
good thing, not a bad thing. Honesty & truthfulness are also great
things. However, you are a child. As a child, you don't have the
coping skills I do & even I have a hard time coping sometimes! So in
this situation, while the idea of responsibility & honesty are great,
here's the truth. As I said, you are a child. You were 6 years old
when this happened, & it was K & Daddy's job to show you coping
skills. They didn't do their job properly & because of that, & because
you couldn't express your feelings of rage, guilt, & pain, you lashed
out at someone who was smaller & ill equipped to defend herself. That
DOES NOT make you a BAD person! That does not make you evil or
horrible or anything else you thought it did. What it does make you is
someone who didn't know how to cope at the time. It makes you someone
who at the time, was unable to speak up & say what she was feeling.
You felt helpless, alone & isolated. You felt unsafe & like your home
environment was unstable. After choking baby sister, you started
choking & squeezing kittens instead. You were constantly asking K if
she & Daddy would get divorced & she would get angry & say: 'Go ask
your Father!' You'd go ask Daddy & he'd say everything was fine. You
were constantly asking him if he remembered 'when we were separated?',
K said you liked it when they were separated, & looking back, maybe
that would have been better, but it didn't play out like that. You
still weren't figuring out how to articulate what you felt, your fears
of abandonment & unsafety. Hurting baby sister made you feel guilty,
but it didn't stop the behavior because you still weren't being given
the tools you needed to get better. I hate to say it, but those tools
wouldn't come for a long time. You did however, quit hurting the
kittens & I will spend the rest of my life in service to the animals
trying to help them. I don't even hardly ever get after our pets now,
so I've gone a bit to far in the other direction! Smile.
I'm telling you these things not because I like telling you, believe
me, they still make me sick. . . but you need to know & I need to
know, this wasn't on purpose. You have a deep abiding love for people
& animals. That love will get you into all kinds of trouble, but it
proves that you ARE NOT the things you do. Just because you've done
something awful, doesn't make you awful. It makes you lost & misguided
in that moment, but it doesn't make you a permanent screw up or
anything of the sort. You were introduced to hate at a very young age
& you hated yourself for a long time. To be honest, I'm writing this
to you because it's part of my healing. I'm not even fully there yet,
in love with our body or who we are, but I'm working on it &
explaining to you the truth of what happened to us is part of that.
I keep saying these things are not your fault because you need to know
& believe it. These things that happened, ARE NOT your fault! You've
spent so much time looking back & hopefully after I've cleared the
decks for us, you & I can both look forward. I don't see myself ever
losing you, I need an inner child after all! I need someone to play
games with & create fairytales with & play dress up with! But all
these things that happened, the fights, the separations *3 times in
total before they finally divorced*, these things aren't a reflection
on you. They happened around you, & you were part of them, but you
didn't choose them or create them. You simply lived through them.
The problem is, that K & Daddy MADE you part of their relationship. K
would say that it was difficult for her to make love to Daddy because
of the abuse she suffered as a child. Daddy meanwhile, would bring you
in when they were having an argument & say: '"This is what your mother
says, this is what I say. Which one of us is right?' So you were in
the truest sense of the word, a third person in what should have been
a 2 person marriage.
There's still a bit more to say, but for now I leave you with the
knowledge that you are! You are smart, talented & the most beautiful
little girl I know!
Love,
Big Michelle

Dear Baby Michelle

Originally Posted: Date: Thu, 2 Dec 2010 23:09:27 -0500

Dear Baby Michelle,
It's Big Michelle here! Think of me as your twin sister, your mother,
however you'd like. Truth is, I've been all those things & more.
There are so many things you need to know, I'm not even sure where to begin.
You were born with a birthdefect *a Tessier Cleft* that has left you
needing several dozen surgeries to fix it. The Cleft went through your
cheekbones, into your nose & eyes, also leaving you blind. You have
this cute indentation on your left arm just above the elbow where the
bands burst that were holding you in K's womb & you flew out like a
shot! It took two docs pulling & K pushing, & when you did come out,
you literally flew into the world! Doc number 2 caught you, otherwise
it would have been quite the crash landing for you!. Just between you
& me, your the only one I know of who FLEW into the world, so there
you are! If anyone else comes along & says they flew into the world,
we'll just smile cutely & agree, knowing all the while that we're the
only ones who could fly into this world PROPERLY! Everyone knows
there's a wrong way & a right way, & honey, we did it!! You know why
we did it? Because as Dad likes to say, we're the coolest! Speaking of
Dad, he's your mentor. He's the one you look up to, aspire to be like
& adore more then anything in this world. K will be jealous, pay her
no mind Babygirl, it's just her way. You won't change her because she
doesn't want to be changed. At 5 a little sister will come along. I
know you're jealous, but at that age, their cute anyway. It's only
when they grow up that you really start wishing you could kill them!
Trust me, I know! Daddy will quit playing with you so much, & I know
that'll hurt. With K not really paying you any mind either, it'll feel
super isolating, but we'll get through it. K will also hate the
grandmother. When she was little, the grandmother wasn't very nice to
her & she gets angry because the grandmother is nice to you. Again,
this to shall pass. It won't be easy but I'm holding your hand all the
way. People will follow you through the store, they'll pretend to look
at things on the shelves, but really be looking at you. This will be
your first lesson in feeling like an odity. You AREN'T an odity! You
ARE perfect! You have everything you need to get along in this world,
you just won't realize it for a looong time to come. K & Daddy will
separate not long after you turn 3. It will hurt Babygirl, the most
pain you'll ever feel at that age & one of the most painful things in
your life, but you will be safe! Daddy loves you & I love you & we'll
come through it! Second thing you need to know about this, THIS ISN'T
YOUR FAULT!! There is nothing you could have done, nothing you didn't
do, this isn't about you! It's about K & Daddy & some things their
going through. You are innocent, just a baby caught up in the mess
that was their marriage, but that's it.
You'll have lots of friends during elementary school, but they won't
last & they aren't true friends. You'll also have your first
experience of getting bullied & beaten up. It will feel like at home
when K & Daddy fight, *though it isn't often that they fight*, like
there's noone to protect you, noone to love or care for you, but I'm
always here! I love you, I protect you, I take care of you!
Speaking of the fights, I won't lie, their going to be very scarry for
you. One time while their drinking, Daddy will end up with a broken
leg. He tripped over the baby's potty chair, fell into the tub & his
leg never got unstuck from the potty chair, so it smashes against the
big toilet & breaks. Another time, you'll have to pull him off K when
she's crying & is unable to breathe. She'll be angry at you for
calling help during that first fight. When you try to tell her Daddy's
leg is broken, she won't listen. She'll scream at you, accuse you of
trying to get her arrested. *They won't even come out to the house*
The next morning, when your post traumatic stress disorder begins, &
you're afraid to go to the bathroom by yourself, she'll tell you to
either go in there or suffer! You'll cry hysterically, but you'll go.
There'll be a fight when your 4 wherein you bite her breast because
she's trying to choke Daddy while your sitting on his lap. Again,
everything will be okay. This just is, but it will pass when you get
older. When they have the fight where Daddy breaks his leg, baby
sister will be along by then & it'll be your job to protect her.
You'll put her in the cage with your cat Tigger & explain to her that
he's afraid to & she needs to stay with him so he won't be afraid.
Don't worry, you'll get all the bad memories, she won't remember a
thing. As far as the fight when your older & have to pull Daddy off K,
that one isn't as traumatic for you for whatever reason. Sure it's NOT
cool, but you won't be filled with fear like you were as a little
girl. Right then & there shows that you are growing up & learning to
handle situations that aren't good. However, you'll feel unsafe,
afraid, terrified really & between that & the flashbacks your still
getting when you go to the bathroom by yourself at night about Daddy &
his broken leg, you'll feel like nothing is safe in this world, like
there is no safe place. No matter how it feels though, know that
whether its family or bullies, you ARE SAFE! I've always got our back
& I'm always looking out for us!
To be continued my sweet. . .
Big Michelle

December 31st: Core story.

What central story is at the core of you, and how do you
share it with the world? (Bonus: Consider your reflections from this month.
Look through them to discover a thread you may not have noticed until
today.)

My central story???? Hm. . . you've hit me up with alot of good
questions this month, and this one I'm not sure how to answer. I can
tell you my theme is positivitity, and I can tell you that I share
that with the world by helping others. Just by showing up and being
there. By maintaining a positive outlook and by doing lots of
self-care to ensure I keep that positive outlook.
A "story" as I've always known it however, is more akin to a bedtime
story and that doesn't really describe a story as it relates to this
question or as I know it to be. Nevertheless, I would still say that
after reading through my threads this month that's still the
ever-present thing or story here, positivity!!

December 30: Gift.

This month, gifts and gift-giving can seem inescapable. What's
the most memorable gift, tangible or emotional, you received in 2013?

The most memorable? Olivia!!
Admittedly I haven't Birthed her yet, but she is my most memorable and
she is tangible!! The kicking, the bouncing, the jumping when she
hears NONPOINT or SEETHER!!! She loves all my bands already!!! When
she hears NIRVANA acoustic she seems to play languidly in my belly.
Can't wait to have her in my arms!!!!!!!!!!!!

December 29: Defining moment.

Describe a defining moment or series of events that
has affected your life in 2013.

Defining moment??
When I found out I was Pregnant!!
I had been soooo afraid that I "couldn't" get Pregnant. I have PCOS
and there's a 1/4 chance my Baby will have my Tessier Cleft and so on
and so forth it went!
It took LOTS of hard work on my part, separating myself from my mother
and sister and their Pregnancies and from my own worries about myself.
I truly didn't think I'd just "get Pregnant". I had been expecting
hardships and difficulties until I moved here.
I very quickly started to realize just what a strong link thoughts
have to what happens in our lives. I "knew" that before, but I didn't
understand it completely. Once I got here and started up with
contemplative education, keyword being "CONTEMPLATIVE", I realized
just how much pressure I was putting on myself with my thoughts.
So I backed off and started changing my thought patterns. I became
dedicated to it, taking 10 minutes out every morning, afternoon and
evening before I went to bed and boom!! I noticed considerable changes
quite quickly.
Weight loos became easy and seemed to happen effortlessly! Before I
knew it I was off all meds and my periods were banging down my "door"
if you will, monthly and for the most part on a pretty regular
schedule
Even the doctors were surprised, but they encouraged me to do what
worked for me so I did and then. . . no period end of May beginning of
June, no period.
The funny thing is, Elias and I made love and I just felt it
afterward. I felt different. Hard to explain, but the intuition was
there and I just "KNEW". So we got a Pregnancy test and there it
was!!! I flipped!!! Sheduled an apt and found out for certain, I was
Pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I nearly exploded with happiness!!! I ran out and told everyone, even
people who didn't really care!! Lol. I couldn't help it!!!
And now here I am in late December typing this up. There is no moment
that can compare to this, with the exception of actually giving Birth
to my Baby Girl!!

December 28: Achieve.

What's the thing you most want to achieve next year? How do
you imagine you'll feel when you get it? Free? Happy? Complete? Blissful?
Write that feeling down. Then, brainstorm 10 things you can do, or 10 new
thoughts you can think, in order to experience that feeling today.

The thing I most want to achieve in 2014. . . good question!! Monetary
freedom!! Not sure that that's a good descriptor though.
I already feel pretty relaxed around money, but what I want for 2014
is to be COMPLETELY relaxed, not just partially relaxed.
As in, I know money is just energy, so when I spend it, the second it
leaves my hand, I'm calm enough to know intuitively that money will
flow back into my account immediately because money is energy!! There
is no "bad" or "good" about money, it simply is!!

I will feel peaceful!! I will say good-bye to the hampster wheel
feeling I still find myself entertaining on occasion!!
10 new thoughts or things I can do. . .
1. Money is energy and it flows to and from me effortlessly!
2. There is enough money for us all.
3. I am financially abundant.
4. Money and I interact peacefully.
5. I am relaxed about my finances.
6. I oreceive money easily and effortlessly.
67. I am friends with my money.
8. I love money!!!
9. I am in control of my thoughts about money.
10. I am always provided for financially by the Universe!

December 27: Ordinary joy.

Our most profound joy is often experienced during
ordinary moments. What was one of your most joyful ordinary moments in 2013?

I was cuddled up with Sadie and KittyKitty in bed feeling Olivia kick
and listening to some chanting on my IPod. Discussing Mother Earth and
Women who are Goddesses. . . right up my alley of course!! It was
peaceful and tranquil and simply joyful!! *sigh*

December 26: Soul food.

What did you eat in 2013 that you will never forget?
What went into your mouth & touched your soul?

Hm. . . that's a good question!! Lol. I've eaten ALOT of veggie based
foods and meals this year. Lasgna for example, and I was never a big
fan, until zucchinis and other veggies stood in for the noodles.
Delish!!!!!!!!!!! I wanted to eat seconds and thirds and fourths!!!
Lol. But my healthy lifestyle stopped me naturally!! Lol. It's been a
wild year in food! Lol.

December 25: Photo.

Photoa present to yourself. Sift through all the photos of you
from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are,
or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand
words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and what it best reveals about
you.

The shot was taken by my friend L in my home. I'm wearing a dress with
band logos all over it and holding an ultrasound picture of Olivia,
surrounded by friends and rescue Animals. This both captures who I am,
and who I strive to be, always bettering myself and at the same time,
retaining the best parts of myself!!! It was one exciting night
indeed!!!

December 24: Everything's OK.

What was the best moment that could serve as proof
that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that
discovery into the year ahead?

When I met Olivia Benson on my flight. Of course, that's just one
moment!! Lol. When I met H and L and J and the other L and some
others. Meetings have let me know it's alright and I'll incorporate
that into 2014 by continuing to lean on them and call on them, and
encouraging them to do the same with me. I'll continue to cultivate
family and friends and keep reaching out and keep giving people
permission to break my heart and I'll continue to stay wide open and
keep inviting people in and new experiences!!!!!

December 23: New name.

Let's meet again, for the first time. If you could
introduce yourself to strangers by another name for just one day, what would
it be and why?

Maria!!! Carmin Maria or Maria Carmen. . . because I think it's a Sexy
Latina name that fits me perfectly!!!! That's why. It just roles off
the tongue!! You can caress it and stroke it and just do naughty
things with it!!! Lol. It's very very very bad, but very very very
goooood. . . Lol!!

December 22: Travel.

How did you travel in 2013? How and/or where would you like
to travel next year?

I flew in 2013!!! It's been awesome!!!!!!!!
The flight from mi to here and then from Denver to Cali for spring
break!!! It's been absolutely fantastic!!!
As for travel in 2014. . . think I'll be focussing on Baby this year,
so not alot of traveling!! Lol. Maybe a spring break at a spa that
accepts Mothers' and Babies!!! Other than that though, I'll be staying
around home this year and I'm totally cool with that!! There's plenty
to do here!

December 21: Future self.

Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would
you give your current self for the year ahead? (Bonus: Write a note to
yourself 10 years ago. What would you tell your younger self?)


Advice for Current Self:
Take things easy!! Stay relaxed and focussed on Livia, don't stress
yourself out!!! You've got a fabulous handle on this, University and
Baby!! You're going to be a beautiful Mother and a wonderful
role-model to Liv!! Don't pretend you have "ALL" the answers!!! Don't
be "ashamed" that you don't. Don't pretend to be infalable for Liv's
sake!! Always be truthful with her. Make sure you tell her it's "your
truth" though, and she has the right to find her own truth. Be gentle
with her and make sure she has choices so she knows she's perfectly
capable from a young age.

Advice for Younger Self:
There are tough times ahead, and I know you feel like you've had enugh
already!! I hear ya loud and clear!!! And you know what? You're
right!! You have had enough! The world has had enough!!! That doesn't
change anything though and living like the world owes you something
WILL NOT get you anywhere!!! Sorry to say, I know this to. . . and you
know how I know? Because you and I are the same person. Michelle
Medina. We think the same, act the same and are in the same Body. I'm
as stubborn as you are, as annoyed as you are, and we've both got
Catitude for miles!!! Lol. However. . . we must use that to our
advantage, not to our detriment!! Cry your heart out, it's okay!! You
are Daddy's little girl, you don't have to take it to extremes by
being tough and NEVER showing your vulnerability. mom will fuck you
over, get over it!! And quickly, so your life can move on
accordingly!! Open your heart and let people in. Trust and give people
permission to break your heart and keep steeping out there into the
world!! Don't hide, don't pretend nothing's wrong, don't lie to
yourself. ALWAYS BE TRUE TO YOURSELF!!! ALWAYS!!
And never, ever forget, I love you. . . and I'm always in your corner!!

December 20: Beyond avoidance.

What could you have done in 2013 but didn't
because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred
from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?)

Hm. . . Is there anything I haven't done??
Truthfully nothing is coming up. I used to avoid conflict and
confrontation. . . I don't do that these days, which means there's
alot less on my plate for me to be worrying about or twisting over!!!!
Smile.
If there was something though, I'd do it!!!!

December 19th: Healing.

What healed you in 2013? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip
evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2014?

The move has healed me this year. It's been both sudden *meeting
hundreds of new people in a matter of days whereas at home I almost
never met anyone "new"*, and it's also been gradual in learning
Eastern ways of thinking and meditating, chanting and all kinds of
"new" things. Shopping at different stores, eating at different
places, and just doing things I didn't do at home. Recycling for
example, or volunteering.

I'm Pregnant with my Daughter Olivia Marie. I'd like to have a home
Birth in the water!! I'd like to heal the idea in my head that I must
go to the hospital for everything for one! And I'd like to heal the
idea that the Birthing process must be painful.

December 18: Try.

What do you want to try in 2014? Is there something you
wanted to try in 2013? What happened when you did / didn't go for it?

In 2013 I moved myself and my Girls to Boulder Co so I could attend
Naropa U. It seemed like a Utopia at the time. . . Lol. Admittedly
preparations started in 2012, but the actual move took place on
January 3rd. It has been completely worth it!!!! Has it been a
struggle? Naturally!!! Lol.But than again, so is life! However, it's
less of a struggle if you just go with it!!! And now that I've been
rolling it's been Great!!!
So how has it turned out? Fantabulously!!!
What do I want to try in 2014? Hm. . . that's a good question.
After Olivia's born, maybe sky-diving as I said before!! Lol. Or. . .
making something with clay. A pottery class or a ceramics class. Who
knows! Possibilities are endless!

December 17th: Lesson learned.

What was the best thing you learned about yourself
in 2013? And how will you apply that lesson going forward?

The best thing I learned about myself this year was that I really can
do ANYTHING!!!!!! I'm an extremely capable, talented, strong person,
and there isn't anything I "can't" do!!
I'll use that lesson going forward to keep trying new things and
meeting new people!
Maybe I'll go bungee jumping in 2014 or sky-diving or go swimming with
sharks!! Lol.
The point is, I will keep myself open to new posibilities and
continually remind myself of what I've done this year and how I can
continue to do bold new things going forward!

December 16th: Friendship.

How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the
world in 2013? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst?

The day I started classes at Naropa I met a Woman named H. She was
over the top, especially for being one of my friends! She was wild,
crazy, kind of likes to get into trouble on occasion, play pranks and
just be a big goofball. But I love her to death!!! She may be wild and
crazy, but that's the point!! We dirty dance in front of guys and
think nothing about it! We kiss and touch and do all kinds of crazy
things without taking our clothes off or even having to! Lol. We go to
concerts and dance on countertops without having had a drop to
drink!!!
And when things go wildly out of control, she's there for me. My
depression has been under control for quite sometime, but when we went
into summer break I had a major episode. She was there for me. She
just cuddled with me and even spooned with me. She wasn't
uncomfortable or didn't feel awkward.
So she changed my life with a sudden burst by making me realize that
Friends are out there!! Ones who are, for lack of better words, ride
or die bitches! Smile. She's with me when I'm acting motherly, when I
hate the world, when I hurt or suffer, to steal directly from Meredith
Brooks. She's with me no matter what and I know I can call her up and
she'll drop whatever she's doing to come sit with me. I won't take
advantage of it, but I know she'll always be there. I wasn't aware
that friends like that existed. FRIENDS in all caps!!!
Thank you Sister, I love you!!!!!

December 15: 5 minutes.

five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most
want to remember about 2013.
Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2013 in
5 minutes.


I most want to remember:
My Olivia's heartbeat, in fact, anything that involves her!!!
I most want to remember my lovers' hands and mouths' and tongues' on my skin!!
I most want to remember the fabulous concerts I've been to, the
wonderful plays I've acted in and the songs I've sang in choir!!
I most want to remember volunteering with humans and Animals!
I most want to remember the difference I've made in people's lives!
I most want to remember nights in a hammock and nights by a fire on a
faux bear-skin rug!
I most want to remember snowflakes at Christmas and the smell of the
pinetrees I've passed, the hay rides I've taken and the haunted houses
I've visited!
I most want to reemember the violets and lilacs and roses I've sniffed
this year!
I most want to remember my Dad's voice and my best friends' voices
from right here in Boulder!
I most want to remember the smell of delicious healthy foods and silly
talk and contemplative talks and the gooffy jokes we've all told!
I most want to remember. . . myself and all the ways I've grown and
changes I've made and everything that's I've done for myself this
year!!
I most want to remember. . . how I have cared for myself this year. .
. I was looking outside for love and comfort and care, and I finally
realized, it's all in here!! I have it!!!

December 14: Appreciate.

What's the one thing you have come to appreciate most in
2013? How do you express gratitude for it?

MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wake up and thank Goddess every morning!! I play with Pussy daily
and tell myself how beautiful I am, how strong and bold and confident
I am and how much I adore myself!!
I've given myself so much self love this past year I'm a different person!! Lol.
Even I look at myself and wonder "who are you and what have you done
with the old me?" But I couldn't be happier with myself or more
pleased with all I've accomplished in one year if I tried!!
GO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 2013 has been MY YEAR!!!

December 13: Action.

When it comes to aspirations, its not about ideas. It's
about making ideas happen. What's your next step?
My next step??? Hm. . . I've got the paint and been painting the
nursery myself!! It's non-toxic so it's safe for me to be around it.
It's been fantastic!!

On the lovelife front. . . I think a certain hottie named Elias Reyes
is winning me over. . . he's been one helluva sub this past year and I
really adore him!!!
On the school front, I'm working hard, keeping up my grades and
reading and writing like a fiend!!!
All in all, I'd say my life is going swimmingly!!

December 12: Body integration. 2013:

This year, when did you feel the most integrated
with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn't mind and body, but
simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?

I was lying in the tub just last night, I have a jacuzi and I was
feeling all the tention in my lower back discipate and Olivia was
kicking away happily and the Girls were curled up next to the tub on
the rug and I was immersed and it was so Peaceful. . . I was
integrated, completely!! I felt so calm and so relaxed. It was like
floating away on a giant water bed!! It was beautiful and I was
blissed out!!
I nearly fell asleep and Alex had to wake me! Lol. Wonderful Woman she is!!
Course she made up for it by giving me hot chocolate in bed with the
tiniest dollop of whipped cream. . . Oh how i love her!!! But that's
another story. . . Lol!

December 11th - 11 Things.

What are 11 things your life doesn't need in 2013? How will you go
about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change
your life?

Ok. . . Honestly, I would have had a bucketful of these just a year
ago, or two or three years ago!!
Today. . . today I have very fiew.

1. Allowing myself to get pulled into gossip.
I don't participate, but I do hear it and I've promised myself that
will not be part of my life!!
2. I eat so well these days I occasionally find myself over-indulging
in the old stuff.
3. Drama has followed me!!! Lol.
We're not to surprised, are we??
4. Driving myself crazy over other' people's "stupidity".
I used to do this at home to.

Changing these engrained behaviors will improve my mood further,
strengthen my sense of integrity and self-approval. Not to mention
eliminating them will make my life even more beautiful, more rich,
more full than it already is!!
So here I come!!

December 10th - Wisdom.

What was the wisest decision you made in 2013, and how
did it play out?

The wisest decision I made this year was to open myself up to new experiences!!!
I made a wise decision in 2012 by coming here, but I made an even
wiser decision to open myself up. I feel like I've expanded my
boundaries and my horizons so much!! It's like I've expanded so much I
can't even see where it all ends anymore! I have unlimited potential
and still as yet untapped personal resources!!
It's just been one amazing year!! I really don't have the words!!!
I thought moving would expand my opportunities, and it has, but
opening MYSELF UP has expanded them more!!
And it's been Great because I'm learning about my boundaries and I
find myself setting new ones with every experience. Some boundaries
are to narrow and some are to broad, but with every experience I have
I learn that, learn where to broaden them out and where to tighten
them up a bit.
It's played out fabulously!

December 9th - Party.

What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2013?
Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans.

Sorry, can't go there. . . Let's see. . . what can I say?
The people were AWESOME, I had plenty of people to touch, taste and
smell. . . it was the perfect place for me to be, because everything I
want to do but can't do in public I can do there!! I can get as close
to a person as I want, drink in their smell and hold their hands and
touch their faces and do anything I wish to discover more about
them!!!
The music was off the hook!!!!!!! If only I could rope SHAUN or ELI
into performing!!!!!!!! That's the only thing that could possibly make
it better!! Lol.
And the food. . . The dinner was good, but the dessert was better!!!!!!!!!!

Chocolate cake and chocolate icecream and fudge and whipped cream and
strawberry shortcake and more whipped cream and. . . well, you know
the rest!!!!!! Lol!!!!
Oh the memories!!

December 8 – Beautifully Different.

Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights
people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you'll
find they're what make you beautiful.
What makes me different?? And what do I do that lights people up?
Hm. . . Lol.
I'm sorry but this is just to unoriginal. I mean, I can go with my
physical appearance, or I can go with my past. . . or, I can just go
with the gooffy things, so that's what I'm gonna go for!! Lol.
Warning, adult situations and language ahead!
Nobody moans like I do when I'm being played with!!!!
Outside of the boudoir my smile can get me out of any scrape and win
me plenty of friends and even some lovers!!
Nobody makes the facial expressions I do when I Orgasm!!!
Nobody smells like me, tastes like me, acts like me!
Nobody purrs the way I do when having my hair petted or my body caressed!
Nobody gives commands to their submissives or slaves like I do. . .
Nobody makes a rock concert so damn happenin' without drinking or drugging!!!
Nobody flirts like me!!!
Nobody inspires people exactly like I do.
Nobody gets people to help them and even fawn over them like I do. . .
Nobody gets the same brand of attention that I do. . .
In closing, nobody is exactly. like. me!!!

December 7 – Community.

Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2013?
What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect
with in 2014?

I've discovered community, and even Family at the homeless shelter
where I volunteer. The people have amazing stories and even through me
a surprise Baby Shower!!! I have to confess I had all the traditional
thoughts, they've got nothing and here they are trying to give me
something. . . I cried like a Baby!! But the people here were so
wonderful, so sweet and genuine!! They've bolstered me when I had a
hard day at school or in my personal life. They've been just
spectacular and I can't wait to get back to working with them!!!
In 2014?? Well, we're getting close to another election. . . I know,
it sounds like a bad word and even leaves a bad taste in the mouth,
but I think it's time I start finding out who will be making a serious
bid for the Presidency in 2016!!! I want to know who will be guiding
policies, or rather, HELP guide them when my Baby Girl is in
pre-school and elementary school!! So I would like to follow the
candidates closely and bring a Democratic office here for whoever
appeals to me the most!!

December 6 – Make.

What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there
something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?
The last thing I made was a Baby blanket for Olivia!! A sewing machine
was what I used.
As for clearing time for something new. . . That's not hard!! My class
load has been really awesome, quite a breeze actually and I've got
plenty of time now that I'm volunteering only a couple days a week!!
I'm going to make her a receiving blanket and a coming home outfit and
booties!! Mittens to since it'll be freeeeeeezing!! Lol.

December 5 – Let Go.

What (or whom) did you let go of in 2013? Why?

Hm. . . I've let go of forgiveness this year. What I mean is, I've let
go of trying to force myself into it, or alternately, trying to tell
myself ALL the reasons why I "shouldn't" forgive.
Why? Because like tons of other things in our lives that we want
control over, it was becoming all consumming for me. I can't forgive
because this person doesn't deserve it! Or I should forgive, but I
can't, so now I feel guilty and now I wonder if someone will not
forgive me because I couldn't. . . all this stuff about being a kid
again and oh, now I'm in trouble with somebody because I didn't
forgive, or I'm a BAD girl! Or I must control, time, place, whether or
not their deserving, if I get an apology. . . and all this other
bullshit that comes with it! Lol.
So I've let go of forgiving and when I wake up I've just been
discovering that things are melting away. Their like band-aids or
scabs, if I leave them alone eventually they come off by themselves
and I'm healed!! I'm healed for myself, and forgiveness or lack there
of has no power over me.
It's been quite an interesting journey over the past year, but one I
wouldn't trade for anything.
And yes, there has been a payoff, because as forgiveness has been
"happening", I've been getting things in return. Mood boosts, new
close friends, my Pregnancy, lovers, new opportunities. . . I feel
open and unblocked, relaxed and ecstatic about my life!!
It's been wonderful!!

December 4 – Wonder.

How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life in 2013?

This one's easy!!! Lol. I got myself Pregnant!!!Olivia Marie will be
born Febuary 20th 2014 or thereabouts!! My little Pisces Girl!!
Woohoo!!
It's been fantastic!!! My Body and all her changes, my expanding belly
and big breasts, yep I have 'em, and even my insane sex drive!!! Lol!!
I've never felt more beautiful or comfortable in my Body than I do
now!!! If I could just BE Pregnant permanently but not give Birth
anymore after this one, I'd take it!! It's the Greatest I've ever
felt!! Yes indeed, I feel awesome!!!!
Olivia seems to have her own opinion on this as she's kicking quite
happily!! She says hi to everyone! Smile.