We all know it's Dec 13 today, so let's just get this out of the way
now. Lol. I'm writing "ahead of time" if you will. Manifestation here
It's January 3rd and only 3:30AM when I crawl out of bed. Seems like
it should be later, but we must be on the road by 4 if we hope to get
to Detroit/Wayne County airport by 6.
I'm groggy and emotionally drained, but I'm also ecstatic and giddy!!!
Looking back to December 13th, I had been doubting that I'd leave. I
was so sick and tired, my head pounding like a drum constantly and the
doc hadn't figured out a thing! She was sending me to a neurologist,
but he wanted to see my MRI first!
I realize that's his job, but I felt so angry I could spit! The
pounding, the nausea, the shakiness in my whole body, the inability to
remember things. . . not a super big deal, but very big for someone
who typically remembers "everything!" My schedule, my Dad's schedule,
his wife Rebecca's schedule and my step sisters. Everyone's schedules,
and I thought "what value do I have if I can't seem to remember?" Of
course, it could have just been my pre-occupation with getting to
Boulder and finding a place to live and finding a place for my girls
and and and. . . I did find a place for them, and a 1 month lease for
myself, and all was right with the world!! So then it was back to
seeing my BFF Holly before I left, and having a BDay party for myself
before I left *birthday's on January 14th!!*, and saying good-bye to
my family and and and. . .
So anyway, you get my point. I was thinking: "If I can normally do all
this, why won't my brain let me do it now?"
I felt like I was losing my edge and I felt betrayed by my brain.
Well, I did see the neurologist and he figured out what was wrong!!
Now I'm off medications, the nausea and shakiness is gone and funnily
enough, the memory is kickin' ass and takin' names!! I.AM.BACK!!!!
Woohoo!!! Go me!!!!!
My head feels clear and light just like the rest of me!!
It's 6AM now and we're pulling in!! My Dad's so kick-ass he gets me
there on time!!
We walk in and the happiness I've been feeling all morning is a bit
topsy turvy now. I'm still happy, I could also cry at the slightest
provocation however. I now know I'll miss him horribly for the first
few days and it's crushing, all-consuming. . . remember you'll come
back to visit him. . . I tell myself this but at the moment,
consolation is hard to come by.
He gets a visitors pass and so comes back with me and we sit in plush
leather seats. . . I'm going first class!! This time, I'm not just
flying, I'm flying first class!! For the first time in my precious 26
years, it was cheaper to go first class $261 then to pay for economy
seating at $271! $10 off once you include fees and taxes!! Eeeek!!! So
exciting!! I get breakfast!! I get one checked bag free!!! My girls
will still ride in the cargo hold like everyone else's pets do. . . Oh
well, a girl can only ask for so much, right? If I want Sadie
CockerSpaniel and KittyKitty Cat to ride this is how things must be.
I accept and move on.
I've fed them in the car and taken them potty well, Sadie potty in the
grass somewhere. So their all set for our 3-hour flight! Of course,
we're going on mountain time here, so I'll hit Denver airport at 10:09
or 10:10 and feel like it should be 12:10! Lol. Wonder what it's like
to encounter a 3 or 4 hour time difference? Maybe I'll find out soon!
I will find out within a few years, guaranteed!!
Anyway, they've taken the girls as checked and now I start getting
teary. A Mother worries about her children *if she's normal anyway*. .
. and so I do to.
I hold Dad's hand tightly and then snuggle into him like I did when I
was a little girl and waiting for a surgery or recovering from one. He
always comforts me the best he can. There's nothing like a Father's
love. Warm and cocooning and strong and towering and gentle and sweet.
I try not to think "I'm leaving him!!" and instead force myself to
keep thinking: "I'm goingfor myself!! I'm going to University!!"
Not exactly a rhythmic chant, but I'm now feeling slightly tired and
more than a bit off my game.
It's 8AM now and as a first-class passenger I get priority boarding
and breakfast!! I wonder what they'll serve? I'm starving!! My stomach
rummbles at that moment on cue as if to say she agrees. Thanks
stomach. . . now shshshsh! Lol. I wonder if everyone in the terminal
I squeeze Dad even tighter and hope he won't pop on me like a balloon
would! Lol. I keep snuggling until the very last second.
A wonderful attendant meets us on the tarmac and leads me onto the plane.
I sit down and breakdown instantly. I don't stop crying the whole time
passengers are boarding and as the plane taxi's down the runway I hope
Daddy's watching and I wave like mad out the window!!
Good-bye Daddy, I love you!!!! I think as we start our ascent.
I cry a little more as the attendants come around collecting our
I sniffle and snuffle like Snuffleupagus before I've calmed enough to eat.
After I eat I settle back with my headphones, but before I can get
them on a Woman sitting next to me asks if I'm ok. Where am I going?
I tell her I'll be fine, I just miss my Dad already. I tell her he was
just at the airport with me and I still miss him! She smiles and
chuckles. You're very attached. . . it's a statement, not a question
and I just nod.
I adore my Dad!! He's the best!!! She smiles again. I can hear it in
her voice when she asks why I'm leaving then.
I tell her about how I found Naropa and realized it was for me and I
talk about writing my essays and the night I found I was accepted, on
my way to a SEETHER concert no less!! I tell it all to her and she
listens interjecting an occasional clarification or statement so I
know she's listening. I keep talking about Dad and how wonderful he
is!! I extol his virtues and then say he might have punished me a few
times over the years. She laughs and says you still love him? I laugh
back knowing she's joking and nod my head vigorously.
By the time we get to why she's going and where she's going *Denver*
and her children and her job *she works with Babies in the ICU and has
just been offered a better job in Denver, her children and husband
will follow as soon as they can*, we're landing and I think how lucky
I am!! I met someone who's doing something I want to do!! Working with
Babies, it's a sign!! I think.
So we land and I call my new friend to see if she's there yet. She
says she's 5-10 minutes out and I say okay. The Woman is so nice she
comes with me to collect my baggage and my girls!! Their okay!!!!!!!
YAY!!! They've slept most of the time and their carriers aren't even
soiled!! Woohoo!!! I think it'd be horrible to have to give them baths
after the trauma they've just endured! Lol.
I hold their carriers tight, one hanging off of each side of me. I've
got 3 bags, but I don't care about them, I care about my Girls!!
I talk to them as we walk and the Woman says how beautiful they are! I
Finally, I stop and say: "We've been talking for over 3 hours now, but
I never asked your name!! I laugh as I say it.
"Olivia." she says "Olivia Benson."
I almost drop the Girls!!! I stare up at her, mouth agape and trying
to smile at the same time! She has her bags and mine! This is just the
sort of thing Olivia Benson would do I think.
"You're um, like, um, you're, um, you know, Olivia Benson from Law and
Order: SVU! You, you're. !!!" I stop because she's stopped walking and
put her fingers on my lips.
"Just think for a second." she says. "That way you can form a coherent
sentence." I laugh. It's loud and shrill and piercing and gooffy,
maybe even a little bit strangled as I'm still feeling a bit
She hugs me and I lean into her embrace, laying my head on her chest.
I confess I hope she doesn't see this as too much of an intimate
gesture, but I'm unable to help it. Luckily she doesn't and she hugs
me tighter. She even strokes my hair and rubs my back. She leans down
to my ear and whispers:
"Can you imagine if I had a hot partner like Stabler?"
Ok, now I nearly choke!!!!!!!! I love Elliot Stabler. . . LOVE!!!!!!
And even though I know he's a character, a made-up-person, I've never
been able to shake the thought of showing up to read lines with him
and. . . you know the rest!! Lol. Married man or not!
I pull back and blush furiously as I look up at her and now it's her
turn to laugh uproariously!
She hugs me again and I bury my face against her now, wondering if the
entire airport knows what I'm thinking!!
Finally I say: "Yeah, that's the first thing I thought, you and
Elliot. I guess I just injected you into the show." She laughs again
and says if they made a show about working in the NeoNat unit then
she'd be on it. I just laugh and smile. We go up to the first class
lounge and wait for my ride. She's so wonderful, sitting with me and
She even gives me her number and tells me to call if I need anything
or just want to talk!! Her husban's doing a job right now and it's
hands on so he can't leave mi till he finishes it.
Little do I know she'll play a huge role in my life.
When J gets there we say our good-byes and J and I head out.
We stop for Cat and Dog food, then head over to L's place. L lives in
Longmont so it's a half hour to Boulder and then another half hour to
We drop the Girls off and stay for an hour or so to see how they
acclimate. Their doing okay when we leave but I'm teary again once
we're in the car. I feel naked without my Girls and the ride back is a
quiet one. J squeezes my hand over the console and tears slide softly
down my cheeks.
Waaaay to emotional I think, then immediately correct myself. I have
permission to be emotional, and to feel exactly what and how I feel! I
smile out the window at my correction.
We get back into town and stop for a few groceries.
We get back to the house and my roomates come out and hug me! Well
this wasn't what I was expecting, but I feel loved.
I hug back enthusiastically and start crying again! Lol. I laugh and
cry at the same time and the Women keep hugging me as J lugs the
groceries for me. They break up once they realize how many bags I have
and they lug them in as i walk with them.
I thank them profusely and they say it's no trouble at all and hug me again.
They spent all night tonight keeping me entertained, telling funny
stories about Naropa and I helped them make dinner and we talk about
my family and who I met on the plane and about my Girls in Longmont *I
start crying again and tell them how much I love them!*, and finally
after a bath I find myself in here typing this up.
I shut down the computer and head to bed thinking:
"I'm okay. The Girls are okay. We made it!!!"
I realize as soon as my brain finishes that thought: "I didn't call Dad!"
I pop up so fast I almost throw myself on the floor! I start giggling
and now I can't stop!! I hope the others aren't going to bed yet!! I
grab the phone and dial the number I've had for 15 years. Wow, 15
years??? That's a loooong time! I think this just as a groggy male
voice says: "Hello?"
I feel like I should be stage whispering now. . .
"Hi Daddy, it's me!! I just wanted to let you know I got here safely. . ."
"Hi Babygirl, glad to hear it."
I apologize for calling so late and tell him how busy I was and
everything we did that day. I just can't stop myself and he listens
patiently though I know he's tired.
I hope he doesn't work tomorrow so he can sleep in I think.
He says yeah, and right, and uh-huh. in all the right places.
Finally I thank him for listening and apologize again. He says it's
okay and he loves me and to get a good night's sleep because it sounds
like I'll be busy tomorrow!
I laugh quietly and smile and thank him.
I tell him I love him and I miss him already and I hope he's not
working tomorrow! He laughs and says he is, but it's okay.
We say I love you one more time before hanging up and now, now I can sleep!!
I drift off with his voice and then Olivia's in my head.
He's right. January 4th runs by so do Saturday and Sunday and before I
know it, I'm at orientation, but that's another story for another