Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Braggin' On My Girls!

I never pass up the opportunity to brag about my Furry girls, so when
a friend posted on his status asking us to share about our pets I went
crazy with it! Enjoy!

I've got a puppymill thriver named Sadie, she's a beautiful 3-year-old
CockerSpaniel who acts more like a puppy then an adult! Lol. She
sleeps on my bed with me, & loves to lay on her stomach with her back
paws out behind her & her front paws all tucked up with her head on
them. She wags her whole rearend when she gets excited & when I leave
my bedroom door open, she runs from one end of the house to the other.
When my Dad calls to her 'Sadie! Sadieeeeee!!!' She runs & hides, only
to come out & chase him when he gives up on petting her & walks off!
I've also got a 3-year-old Main Coon cat named KittyKitty whom we
rescued from drowning in our ditch. She has some brain damage, but
she's absolutely adorable!! You know the parots who like to sit on
your shoulder? Well she's a ParaCat! Lol. She loves to sit on my
shoulder & wag her tail. Thinks she's Miss Prissy Cat! Lol. She also
loves to do high rise acrobatics on my arms & shoulders. she'll even
stand on my hand, how she manages to keep her balance I'll never know!
She trusts me completely though & I love that. My family members are
jealous. Lol. & she flaunts it. She'll stand on me & stare at them
like 'Nah nah nah!!' Lol. She's quite the kitty!

"It'll only take a few minutes. When does anything that's supposed to
take a few minutes only take a few minutes?"--Garfield - "The Garfield
Show" & he's right!

"Find me, feel me, fill me, then cut me up!!"--Shaun Morgan - Seether "Burrito"
"It's so cold out here tonight, I met a bear walking down the street &
even he was wearing pants!"--Elias Soriano Febuary 2009, joking about
Michigan's f-f-f-freezing weather!

Sunday, July 8, 2012


Sat, Sep 25, 2010 at 2:00 AM

Wow, what a show!!! I regret to say, that with all that's been going
on, I haven't exactly filled you all in about ELIAS yet, so I shall do
that next! However, this must be written, NOW! Right this minute,
while it's still with me!
I went to see ED Kowalczyk this evening! Former lead singer of the
band Live & a great one I might add! It was amazing!!! Absolutely
AMAZING! The show itself was great, he played "Dolphins Cry, Heaven,
All Over You, Lightning Crashes, I Alone, The Distance, Grace *from
his solo album*, & Dance With You". He played tons more new songs, but
I honestly don't remember their titles.
Anyway, like I said, the show itself was great! Everyone was swaying &
dancing, clapping & singing! Usually at a 'rock show', everyone's
humping everyone else, spilling beer on each other, smoking 'Juana, &
generally acting crazy. Lol. I mean, there's a place for that, I love
it! There's something very primal about being humped, but that's a
whole other story! Lol.
What really got me though, was "Dance With You". The night had been
great, Dad even stood in the pit with me, so that tells you how
subdued it really was! He only went to sit down when he absolutely
couldn't stand anymore, & when we left he said: "It was good, I like
him!" Lol! Ok people, my Father doesn't usually say that!! But Ed was
singing "Dance With You" & he had opened the door when he waded into
"Heaven" by dedicating it to all of us mothers, daughters, ladies. .
., but the flood gates came pouring in with "Dance With You".
He's singing & I'm standing there thinking:
"I'm a Goddess!! I'm a woman! I can give life & exude love & power &
greatness!" In my Dad's words, "I'm the coolest!".
Lol. Normally, your mother helps you to find yourself. You look up to
her, even if the two of you struggle when your growing up, you come
into your womanhood with her as a mentor. However, in my case, & in
alot of cases, women don't have that relationship with their mothers,
& I started seeking another 'mother' to mentor me. So I found it
completely shocking that a man brought me to that last step. I'd been
working my way towards it with Amy *Mamamorphosis*, & I've always
known there was 'something' about Ed's lyrics that I couldn't quite
put my finger on, but it turned out to be a man that brought me to my
realization instead of a woman. I found that quite shocking, but in a
good way.
I walked out of there feeling 'awesome!!!'. He stretched the song out
for 5 minutes or so just repeating & having us echo him.
"I wanna dance with you, I wanna dance with you. . ." & I'm actually
looking for a dance partner! Lol. I 'don't do' that! But I was this
evening, though I didn't find anyone. But it was great!!! He was
telling us how he's partnered with World Vision to help bring clean
water to kids in Africa, *he said: "It's my job to bring a glass of
water to my 6 & 8 year old daughters' bedrooms every night when I'm
home."* & he was thinking about how he took it for granted that he
could do that for them when people in other countries can't do that,
or if they can, they aren't sure that they should, because said water
could be dirty & unsafe to drink. So he wanted to do something about
it & partnered with World Vision on this tour to do just that. So I
was already thinking: "What an amazing man!"
I'm a humanitarian through & through as I said, so the fact that he's
doing something I will do someday was inspiring & then he ended with
"Dance With You" & I just went crazy, but in the best way possible! I
swear, I was flying, or at least my heart was. My heart has wings
now!!!!! Woohoo!!!
So this is me!
I am a Goddess! A beautiful, talented, exquisite Goddess, who can give
life! Who has power & strength & love pouring out of every cell & I
love it! I love me!!

More Than Sisters, Less Than Lovers

Thu, Sep 23, 2010 at 4:05 PM

I never wanted to acknowledge that my mother was right, about
anything! How could she be 'right' when she screwed up so many things?
However, she is right about at least one
The action or inaction a person takes speaks much louder then any
words they can utter.
I said: I want to celebrate my accomplishments! I know you understand,
you get me! Let's celebrate together!
It wasn't 'to late' when I said it, I didn't procrastinate, I didn't
sit on my hands. Yet, there was almost no time.
I've been talking about Christmas, Thanksgiving, Halloween &
birthdays. These things are months, a month, or a few weeks in
advance. Just depending on when I initially brought them up & the time
that has elapsed since I originally brought them up. Yet, there's no
time penciled in, & when the 'time' does come, there could be
something else that's got to be done.

The actions tell me:
I don't care. I'm to busy. You aren't important. You're in my way. You
lean on me to much. Your to close.

Do those actions mean what they say? Most likely not. But that doesn't
stop the words from echoing in my head. I'd almost rather that you
slapped me in the face. I'd almost rather that you yell at me. I'd
almost rather that you punch me.
I realize we're on different wave lengths & I've been dealing with it.
I don't call every day, I don't bother you on FB every day. I like
comments you make or comment on things you post, but I don't try to
purposely insert myself into your life.
I feel I've bent as far as I can though. It's hurting & it's hurting
too much for me to stay silent anymore. Although I've tried to speak
up in the past, but I feel as though I'm not heard. There's an
invisible wall there & I'm doing everything I can to climb it, to get
around it so we can talk, but I can't do it alone.
I know, it's a balancing act. Life in itself is this whole balancing
act. To be happy, to be sad, to be angry & violent or calm & stoic,
it's all a balancing act.
So what's going wrong here? If I asked a year in advance would that
make it better? Could you pencil me in then?
I'm not being snippy, I truly want to know. How far in advance should
I ask & if I do, will you promise to fit me in?
I don't want to talk in circles we're to good at that already. I want
answers. So do I come up with them or do you? Should we work on them
together? Isn't that what family does? Work on things together, come
up with solutions together?
It's like we're family but we aren't. Other people seem to come first,
consistently. Is that true? Maybe not. Does it feel true though,
unfortunately it does.
Things will never be what they might have been. We're grown now & I
know that. We're moving together but separately & I know that to.
Just how far apart are we moving though? Is this going to be 180
degrees of separation?
I will ALWAYS have your back. If you need me, I'm there. Fuck the rest
of my family, if you're in crisis & you need me & you call me, I'm
gone. A plane, a train, a bus I don't care. Money is no issue. If you
ever need me, for anything, I will be there.
If I need you though, will you be there? When Sadie dies, when Tigger
dies, will you be there? When it comes time to bury them, will you
I could sit here & list all the obstacles that could impeed & get in
the way, but forgetting those obstacles, because family is more
important, can I call you? If being there in person isn't possible,
can I pick up the phone & will you be there to answer it?
I have your back, period. Do you ever question that? If you do I don't
know about it, so there it is. If you ever have questioned it, you
don't have to. I've got your back, period. ALWAYS & FOREVER!
You are my sister & I've got you. I just wonder if you have me.
When we were kids, I never saw myself asking that question. Not once,
ever. Now I do & I wish I didn't.
I wish I new & I wish I didn't have to.
We had such a great time when I was over last time. I'm trying to
remember if I brought up anything depressing, & how we discussed it.
You say you see the changes & most of the time, their high up on
display. I like them to. That's why I want to celebrate them! & I want
to celebrate them with you because you saw them! You respect them, you
pointed them out! You're like the lighthouse on the shore of the
miserable lake I was stuck in! & most of the time, I'm out of it now!
I'm with you on the shore basking in the sun & the light & I love
being there! I loved our picnic *minus the walking*, & even though it
wasn't the 'highlight' it had it's bright spot! I loved the ducks &
being by the water & it was great! So we have those moments & I wish
we had them more often! For as long as we've been friends, I put tons
of crap on you. You gave me some to, but not nearly as much as I gave
you. & I wonder, if we both love them, then where do I go wrong when I
ask to get together? Or do I just ask too much, period.
All I can do is guess & speculate & my brain is to damned good at
conjuring up 'stuff'. For all the changes, it can & does still run
away with me.
So if you can, set me straight. Tell me how to fix it or that there's
nothing I can do, or that we aren't into the same things anymore, or
that we never were. It's ok, I can take it, I have to. I took a much
harder blow when we were younger & I withstood it. I'm still your
friend, so please, just tell me what to do & what's wrong or tell me
that there's nothing to be done.
It feels like we've had alot of this over the past 2 years, & I hate
that. Especially now when we've both got new chapters in our lives,
but it seems it's still here & I can't handle it anymore & especially
on my own.
Love you.


Sun, Sep 12, 2010 at 10:54 PM

I'm not sure where this is all coming from, the emotion of it, so read
at your own risk.
I was reading at a Law & Order: Special Victims Unit fan fiction site:
I love the site, & of course, LO:SVU, which goes without saying.
Usually, I can watch or read the fic, & it takes me outside of myself,
into a different world. While it's usually not so comforting, I do get
true enjoyment out of seeing people brought to justice, & in the fan
fic world, true enjoyment out of Elliot & Olivia *El & Liv* finally
pairing up whether it's just a passionate one shot, or a multiple
chapter story where they get together & have a family of their own.
Usually, all of this affects me in a less noticeable way, in fact, I
love seeing them paired up as I said. As for the TV show itself,
seeing them get the perp & gain justice for the victims is glorious! I
love when El gets pissed off & goes off halfcocked, as that's how I
feel sometimes in my own life, & I can live vicariously through him,
having the courage to do something I'd probably never do myself. What
makes the show so great, is the fact that I'd place bets with anyone
that I could walk into a real life SVU squadroom & find 4 outstanding
detectives & a captain like El, Liv, Fin, John & Don. That's what
makes the cast so great. I would also bet that I could find a DA/ADA
like Alex or Casey. However, sometimes it seems that real life & fic
life can mold & form & shape & morph into a life of it's own, taking
me & completely spinning me out of control. Tonight is one of those
nights I guess, though they are extremely rare, which is why I watch
the show & read the stories so often.
Fan fic story:
Olivia gets lost, they find perp, perp won't confess. Sequel: Elliot
nearly kills himself with his temper, without Liv to hold him afloat &
the bottle tearing him down, not to mention the glaring agony & guilt
of failure. So he visits perp, perp won't confess to him, though he
comes close, then perp commits suicide & El gets the answers he's been
longing for in an envelope. However, all that does is lead them to the
body of Detective Olivia Benson. The agony & grief are still there,
only now the rest of the squad, DAs' & the Medical Examiner aren't
left languishing in the agony of waiting, their left languishing in
the agony of knowing, realizing that this is real, that Olivia will
never be a member of their family again, that she will never walk the
halls of the precinct, chat with them at some Cop bar in the middle of
Manhattan in the middle of the night, etc. Her voice, her laugh, her
smell, the way she looks when she smiles, the way she looks when
she's staring so hard at a casefile, the way she looks when El has
done yet another gigantic stupid thing are no more. These things, they
will never see again & it seems to break them. While they do come back
together, to each other, they will never be the same again.
& for some reason, it occurs to me, how this mirrors real life.
Usually, I don't allow myself to wander this path. Even when I felt at
my worst, which was before I joined PP, before I had all of you
wonderful people in my life, pushing & encouraging me & helping me,
all through the words typed & read on a computer screen, I still
didn't allow myself to go here hardly. I guess tonight it's just built
up though & so, it is here that I find myself, feeling as crazy &
insane as Elliot had before he new & after he new, once he had all the
answers he desperately wanted & didn't want.
Last night was my NONPOINT concert, & words can't express how much I
was looking forward to it, what it meant for me to be going & seeing
the guys, one of them in particular. Words are never enough for
something like that. Then my friend canceled on me. No explanation
other then that something had happened once again with her. On top of
that, Dad threatened to not take me to any concerts anymore, period
unless they were at the Machine Shop, however, we had an agreement
that said he would take me to concerts period, if I let him keep my
car instead of selling it. Yeah, your all confused now, why does a
blind woman own a car. Super short version, I wanted to go places, his
cars were unreliable, I bought car, he started taking me where I
wanted to go as long as I bought the tickets & paid for the gas &
bought him dinner. It was a win win situation for all involved,
because now that he's bought the car from me, he has a reliable
vehicle in which to transport us. So anyway, he wanted me to call my
friend & tell her that he had a birthday party to go to & that once a
person says they'll do something with you, they should do it, period.
In other words, unless there's a death in the family, a person's word
is their word, & they had damned well better follow through on it. I
told him I wouldn't call her & bitch her out like he wanted me to.
Instead I said I'd go to the concert alone if he'd just drop me off &
give me the Safelink phone we have from the government. For some
reason, that wasn't good enough, he said he wasn't taking me to
concerts anymore unless they were at the Shop, so I said I was buying
the car back & selling it out from under him, because he & I also had
a binding agreement that he was now trying to back out of. Needless to
say, rebecca jumped into it which was none of her business to do *& of
course, which I myself am guilty of having done before* & it only got
worse. She tried to tell me that my friend couldn't keep leaving me
stranded like this & that I needed to call her on it, whether I yelled
& screamed or did it quietly was my choice. She said neither of us
could back out of our agreement & that we'd better enjoy each other
while we had the chance to, because eventually I'd move out of the
house & Dad wouldn't have the opportunity to do this anymore, whether
he enjoys it or not having been put aside for the time being. So we
went to the show, I had a great time & I'll write about that later
where it belongs, in it's own post. Then today I'm checking & I've
still gotten no farther explanation from my friend. She stood me up
saying that 'something' had happened & then boom, went off the grid.
I'm actually used to this, because whenever something bad does happen,
it's her coping mechanism to retreat, but it still gets under my skin
because I allow it to as much as I try & stop it. Finally, I haven't
written this before, but Dot has been taken to Last Chance Rescue,
where I adopted Sadie from. I know they'll take great care of her, &
get her seizures under control, which is something I've been unable to
do, but the grief that I've tried to keep away from all day is
overwhelming & mindnumbing. While I'm glad that I don't have to bear
witness to her seizing anymore & am able to do nothing but quietly
hold & pet her, the agony of giving her up is searing my insides. I
nearly broke down at Petsmark where I dropped her off, but I didn't. I
nearly broke down in the car but I couldn't. So I got home & read
everything at svufiction, & it was like a slap in the face. I haven't
fully acknowledged the anniversary of my brother's death yet either,
nor all the feelings that come up from 9/11. I was one of those people
who just sat there & watched the whole thing for nearly 2 weeks until
things 'sort of' went back to normal. I was home recovering from my
last major surgery *they'd taken 2 ribs & put them into my face to
build up bone structure*, & I was the only one home while everyone
else was at school or work. I sat there all day bearly thinking about
food. I listened to all the songs & watched all the coverage, & my
parents never stopped me. They never dragged me away from the TV. We
didn't talk about it, about whether or not it was a mentally healthy
thing for me to be doing, just watching day after day. We never
discussed that. For me though, as much as it hurt, it was like I
couldn't pull away, I couldn't make myself watching. I'm not blaming
my parents, I was a responsible kid, 15, almost 16 & could have
stopped watching, but I didn't think it was right. I felt like I
should have been at Ground Zero helping out, & since I couldn't be
there, then I had to watch, to remember & never forget. & while I
didn't watch any specials yesterday & I was thrilled to be seeing
NONPOINT that night, it still burned me when they played "Frontlines"
& dedicated it to the soldiers, the victims & everyone who went
through it. I was never innocent, but it was a different type of 'loss
of innocence' that happened when the towers fell. I could practically
see myself there & feel the suffocation of it all. I thought about my
brother & the victims & it was all I could do not to cry as the song
blared & I sang along, forcing the words up & out of my throat more
then actually singing them. During the first SVUfic titled "Lost" the
author takes you through the agony of not knowing. Of wondering where
Olivia went & who took her & why she was taken. In the next part of
the fic "Mercy" we find out not necessarily why she was taken, but
how, & how her death came to be. It was an 'accident' in the words of
the perp. & it occured to me then, that in real life, if we allow
ourselves to, we can be sucked into that vortex of wondering. My
mother was sexually abused, I always say raped, because that's the
truth of it, sexually abused sounds to clinical & kind for my tastes,
& for as long as I can remember, I've wondered what her life would
have been like if she hadn't been raped, if her childhood hadn't been
taken from her. What would my life be like or any of the other lives
she touched throughout the years. My parents divorced when I was 19,
mom left when I was 18. What would our lives be like today if they
hadn't split. I've been in love with people who can't or won't
reciprocate my feelings. What would it be like if I weren't in love
with them, if one of them could reciprocate my feelings, if I weren't
so attached to them? So in it's own way, real life & Alternate
Universe life collide here, because both kinds of loss can & do occur
on a daily basis in real life. What would my brother's life have been
like if he'd been put on medication for his bipolar disorder & gotten
away from the drugs & alcohol. What would life be like if my paternal
Grandfather hadn't died 11 years before I was born. What would life be
like if my maternal grandfather hadn't abandoned my mother when she
was a kid. The what ifs are stark & stunning in their tragedy,
however, their only tragic if I dwell in them. I usually don't, & I
know I won't be here for long, but tonight I suppose I've felt like
dancing with the devil, trying to find answers, not to those questions
themselves, but to the universal question of now that I know what I
know, how do I move on? Where do I go from here? What's the next piece
in the puzzle that I need to find to get me to that next step, & the
next one & the next one?
I'm definitely not all cried out, but I do feel better writing this
all down & getting it all out in the open.
Now, it's just a matter of knowing where to go next. How do I get there?

Dealing Constructively With Anger And Hurt

Thu, Sep 9, 2010 at 11:39 AM

Traditionally, I don't say the things I want to say. Traditionally, I
keep my mouth shut.
But not today. I have a call with Amy later on, Mamamorphosis, & I
don't want anything getting in the way, so I'm clearing the decks
Holly, in case you come across this at some point, none of the things
I'm about to say are directed at you!

Dear Dad:
I wanted to take a bath. You were gone, so I figured what the heck? I
turned up the TV real loud, left my bedroom door wide open so I could
hear it, then headed into the bathroom. I shut the door, no rule
breaking there. I had it all planned out, & for the first 15 minutes
or so, it worked out great! Then you came home, walked in the door,
turned down the TV to ear-bleeding levels *ear-bleeding in the sense I
had to strain to hear it*!! This is our house, where we all live.
There's no way to dial down the kids, or mom, or you for that matter.
So why was my TV turned down? It was a minor inconvenience at worst, &
would have only lasted a half hour, maybe 45 minutes. I don't usually
take hour long bathes, otherwise I'd be the prune of all prunes! Lol.
I think it was pretty unfair, but the mood I'm in at the moment, I'd
rather yell at you then talk, which is why I'm writing instead. It's
much safer & allows me to get this off my chest without giving you an
over the top tongue lashing, that I know you don't deserve, especially
when a simple question would suffice.

Dear Friend:
I love you. I trust you. I pour my heart out to you because I love &
trust you. Nothing I said last night was light hearted, nor was it
meant to be taken lightheartedly. I may not be you, but that doesn't
make me 'crazy'. Only you can be you & only I can be me. We come
together based on some middle ground/something we have in common. Your
email response didn't make me angry, it just hurt. I guarantee you
didn't mean for it to, you aren't that kind of person & I write that
with conviction. However, it did hurt. It felt like sarcasm & fluff
was used to cover up what I said, what I felt & that hurts.
Yes, I am sensitive, I always have been & yes, there are more pressing
problems in the world then Dot's seizures or my brother's death, or
Shaun Morgan's relapse, but those issues are more pressing to other
people, not to me, because they aren't my issues. The issues I wrote
last night, are my issues, two of which I can deal with, one of which
is way over my head & out of my control.
Fires & floods & murders are horrible & you know, based on what you
know about me already, that those problems are viewed as awful in my
book. There's no denying that. But there's also no denying that they
aren't banging down my front door either. I know what pain is, I've
dealt with addiction & grief, & those are the issues foremost on my
mind at the moment. Maybe it was because you were at work & didn't
have enough time to respond. Maybe it was because you were feeling
stressed out yourself. Maybe it was just that you're tired of hearing
me ramble, or that the 'story' didn't change even though we haven't
talked in a few weeks. Whatever it was though, it still hurt & I want
you to know that.

Now that I've said this, I grant myself the grace to feel the anger &
hurt, then move on. & I grant you both the grace of letting it go. I'm
done, I'm not quite satisfied, but I'll get there.

"It'll only take a few minutes. When does anything that's supposed to
take a few minutes only take a few minutes?"--Garfield - "The Garfield
Show" & he's right!

"Find me, feel me, fill me, then cut me up!!"--Shaun Morgan - Seether "Burrito"
"It's so cold out here tonight, I met a bear walking down the street &
even he was wearing pants!"--Elias Soriano Febuary 2009, joking about
Michigan's f-f-f-freezing weather!

Water Bed Dream!

Sun, Sep 5, 2010 at 12:39 PM

NOTE: Dot is a Kitten my sister brought to me 2 years ago and I took
care of her for a few months before giving her to a rescue group.

Hello Pinkies,
I'm not sure that one has anything to do with the other, but Dot
started having seizures again last night. I took her to get shots last
Monday, & the vet said she'd need her next set of shots in 3 weeks.
She also said that giving her seizure meds this early could do more
harm then good. Of course, she had stopped having seizures at the time
anyway, so I thought things would be fine.
So last night she started having them again & had 4 that I know about,
between 11:40PM & 8:23AM.
So I didn't realize how much I was awake with her, but it must have
been alot, because I was exhausted this morning. Things seemed to have
calmed down & so I went to sleep.
At some point, I was with my best friend Holly. I didn't realize it at
the time, but the bed we were sleeping on must have been a waterbed.
Lol. The reason why I say that *& the part that makes my dream so
totally weird*, is that I kept having this need to go swimming,
repeatedly in the dream, & every time she & I went swimming, all we
did was pull the blankets & cover off the bed! Lol. So we went
swimming INSIDE the BED in other words! Even I've never had a dream
like that before! I finally woke up when we were getting ready for
bed. We'd been lazing around watching TV, & then all the channels
signed off for the night. Yes, this was an old TV & back in the day,
though since I remember sign offs, I'd guess it was in the early 90's
*& we didn't even know each other until 1996! Lol.
But anyway, we had gone swimming Lord only knows how many times,
watched TV etc, & then it was time for bed. I woke up because I was
mad at the TV. Holl was fine with it, but I was like:
"No! You know I can't sleep with nothing on friend!" Lol. & then I woke up.
So I'm wondering now if I was looking for something, searching in the
water in the bed *considering how many times we went swimming*! Not
that I can think of what it was, & I'm not the greatest dream
interpreter, but I read in one of Sylvia Brown's books the importance
of dreams, so now I'm trying to figure them out when I have weird,
indecipherable ones like this.
Thank you for sticking with me through this long read.
I know someone else just posted a dream post yesterday, I swear I
don't know how mine came on the heels of hers! Smile

My Night With SHAUN

Sat, Sep 4, 2010 at 11:52 AM

Hello Pinkies!!!,
So I haven't posted many blogs, or done much of anything else at PP as
of late! Things have been crazy here, but the good thing is, it
culminated in a beautiful night Thursday!!!! Here, the letter I wrote
to a friend on just how well it went!!

Last night was AMAZING!!!! I mean, we're talking, a performance that
was out of the park, out of the stratosphere in fact!!!!!
I absolutely adored it!! SHAUN launched into the newest version of
"DRIVEN UNDER" that they've been playing for people & I nearly
fainted!! Lol. I asked Holly to put me back together if I went all
Jell-o-we! Lol.
I can't say enough good things about last night! I just stood there &
smiled the biggest smile I think I've ever smiled!!
They opened with "No Jesus Christ", then straight into "Needles"! Not
in order, but the set list also included: "Burrito, Driven Under, The
Gift, Fake It, Broken, Fine Again, Rise Above This, & ended with
Remedy". Shockingly, no covers that I can recall, & there was just one
more thing, but I don't know what it was, maybe the beginnings of a
new song just to tease us?
Having said that, I also have to say that the vibe was different. I've
always felt very
connected to SHAUN *& I don't mean my crush*, I do mean an actual
"soul connection" if you will. He seemed more sad then anything last
night. The angry songs were more sedate & the sad songs more sad then
usual. Unfortunately, I think he's fallen rather far off the "wagon"
as they say & is back drinking & doing lord knows what again. Usually
that didn't change the performances in the past, but this time it did.
He likes to change up the lyrics alot! During "FAKE IT" For example he sings:
"Fake it if your out of direction,
Fake it if you don't belong here,
Fake it if you feel like infection!"
But in a live setting he'll change one of those choruses to:
"Fake it if your out of direction,
Fake it if you don't belong here,
Fake it if you can't get an erection!"
Lol! But last night there was none of that. He was just really
subdued, he kept thanking us, but he didn't even swear as much as he
usually does! Lol. Not that he swears often, but he does occasionally,
& he kept it to a minimum last night. He was just quiet & sedate,
played low key, didn't draw attention to himself, said thank you over
& over again & only at the end did he really speak up, just telling us
he was glad to be back at the Machine Shop & hoped to come back again.
I really wish I could have seen him afterwards, but that wasn't in the
cards. I hope I can again sometime, I'd love to just be able to talk
to him. Maybe I'll send a letter through windup or their Myspace,
though Troy *their guitarist* will see it then, but maybe he'll still
get it to SHAUN.
Still though, what I said at the beginning remains. It was an amazing
night & I can't wait to do it all again!

NOTE: I spoke with the boys at the Shop a while after that
performance. They said yes in fact he did drink, ALOT! He got up on
the bar at one point and while dancing around called Kevin *Shop
Owner* a "bloody wanker!"

"Put the gun in my mouth. . .
& pull the trigger. . .
I feel so alive here!
Put the gun in my mouth. . .
It tastes so bitter. . .
I feel so alive here!!!"--Shaun Morgan "No Jesus Christ"


What I Learned This Week

Sat, Aug 14, 2010 at 9:37 AM

I can take back my power with the words I speak. I can also relinquish
my power with the words I speak.
I'm thinking of Disturbs tours they used to put together "Music as a
Weapon" My words can also be weapons. "Words as Weapons", it's all in
what I say and how I say it.

I'm diving for myself. I am not a hopeless cause, a failure, a wreck.
I've had surface beliefs for to many years that have led me to believe
I was a lost cause, hopeless etc, but I AM NOT!
I'm trying to write this immediately after and yet I still feel like
I'm losing sight of something.
I lost track of my goal, which was to be flexible in my body. I also
wanted to be flexible in my mind, and I lost sight of both of those
things, as well as getting them tangled up together. My goal in being
flexible in my body was moving, not being in pain. I decided the
Treadmill was the only way to get that flexibility and cut when I
didn't get it. It was actually a manefestation of things much deeper,
if I can't do this small thing, how will I do these much bigger
things? It was however, also a surface thought, translated into a
severe tantrum, if I can't get it this way then i won't get it anyway,
so there's no hope!
Truth be told, I can dance. I can walk. I was writing I "could",
pushing things back. Now I've rephrased it as "I Can" meaning, I can
do it NOW! Or tomorrow, or the next day, but I CAN do it now. It's not
something I have to wait for. And now President Obama's "Yes We Can"
slogan is in my head! Lol. Hey, if it works for me, I'm using it!
I've also discovered I need to distinguish between my inner wisdom,
and the critic. The critic says I can't do it. The inner wisdom says:
"I can't do it this way, so how can I do it differently? I can't do it
now, so when can I do it?"
And now I'm back to the Treadmill. If we're moving in a few months, is
it worth it for me to get one now? How will I transport it to San
Antonio? If I intend to fly, and I do fly, how will my parents
transport it? So the critic says I cut for nothing. I say it happened
for a reason. The goal next time, is to learn what I need to learn
without going to such an extreme, to not fall back on old habits that
don't serve me anymore.

Machine Shop Flint MI Concert Venue = best damned concert venue in the woooorld!
Thursday 9/2/10: SEETHER will be there!
Saturday 9/11/10: NONPOINT will be there!
& last but certainly not least,
Friday 9/24/10: Ed K frontman for the band Live will be there!

Discovery Session Talk

Wed, Aug 4, 2010 at 9:00 AM

I came away feeling great, losing that heavyheart feeling to have
changed my motto from it's my fault to 'It's NOT my fault.'
I learned that in posting online, sharing my views/thoughts/opinions,
I am in fact, creating. So I am honoring that value after all.
Recognition is, a good thing, with a good connotation.
I am hungry for connection though this was a rare place for me to
acknowledge it honestly.
I remembered my comments about negative thoughts being worse then not
exercising. Worse, then pretty much anything I can do to myself
because they've become so insidious I don't recognize them when they
come into my head.
I am to ask clearly for what I want. Something that's new for me.
It is okay for me to ask for what I want.
I need to shatter the old thoughts that if I did it once & it didn't
work, I'll do it again & it won't work.

Check the internet for local hospitals, animal rescues/shelters & the
like to volunteer in.
Continue to seek out & connect with others in similar situations to
find out what they've done to change their circumstances.
Continue to live in possibility, try to envision what possibility is
like & what it feels like to be there.
Ask, ask, ask, ask, ask, ask, ask, ask, ask, ask, ask, ask, ask, ask, ask, ask!


Mon, Aug 2, 2010 at 7:40 AM

My dreams are usually more goofy then scary, although I've had a few
doozies. I've drempt that my mother got arrested, that one was sad. I
drempt that our house caught on fire & we had to live in the playhouse
Dad made us. That one was funny, just because trying to imagine
cramming my than family of 4 into a playhouse that was filled to
capacity with playthings was just funny. I also had a dream that my
mother married rush limbaugh! Ahem, can all of you say scary? Now that
woulda been scary! Our family are Democrats, not republicans as he is.

I drempt one time that my than cat & dog, Snowball & Grace were ill &
I couldn't get a hold of any of the vets. I called every vet I could
think of but couldn't get any of them to answer! The odd thing is,
that was in 2008. By the end of the next year, 2009, both Grace &
Snowball had died of heart problems. *&, I wasn't able to get either
of them to the vet fast enough. Grace couldn't be seen until after 5PM
& she died at 4:35 & Snowball had an appointment for Tuesday December
2nd, but died the day before Thanksgiving.* I had another dream that
my best friend Holly & I were back at our old school. We went into the
bathroom & someone came in with a gun & started trying to shoot Holly.
We were in one of the stalls, the door was closed & I had pushed her
up against the back wall & was running from one side of the stall to
the other, kind of zig-zagging with the bullets as they came through
so she wouldn't be hit. I HATED those 2!! They were the worst dreams
I've ever had, without question!

& finally, I've saved my best for last:
For those of you who know what 3's Company is, a show that ran from
aprox. 1977-1986, it starred Joyce DeWitt as Janet, John Riter as Jack
Tripper, & Suzanne Somers as the ditsy blonde Crissie Snow,
originally. & then in later seasons kept Janet & Jack, but gave them
new roommates, first Cindy Snow *Crissie's cousin* & finally Terry
Hall the nurse & their last Landlord Mister Furley. Well anyway,
there's an episode where this guy Wally is looking for Jack. Jack was
always doing something dumb, hitting on women who already had
boyfriends, lying & pretending to be someone he wasn't, & other funny
stuff like that. So this Wally dude is looking for Jack & he & Janet &
Terry go to visit one of their families, someone who owns a farm.
Don't remember whether it was someone in Jack's family, Janet's family
or Terry's. But anyway, Jack adopts this Southern down-home accent as
Zeek, & Janet adopts one as well, pretending to be his wife. Somehow
Wally finds them, their cover gets blown & some serious hilarity
ensues! Amazing they could cram all that into a half-hour TV show,
right? Well anyway, Mister Furley is also along on this trip & while
he pretends to have a backbone that's hard as a rock, he's really
spineless when confronted with any type of danger. Lol.
So here's where my dream about these sitcom characters gets really
crazy. In the show, everything works out fine & Wally is the dangerous
one. As I said, Jack & Mister Furley don't have spines really to stand
up to anyone. So in my dream, the one you'd least expect to be the
aggressor is MR. Furley. . . Well, he does become the agressor in my
dream & decides to chase the 3 roommates down with a chain saw! Lol.
Talk about frightening! Here he is on the show, this harmless old guy
& in my dream he comes to life as a murderer! Lol. I could never
figure out why the heck I drempt that. As for Wally, he disappeared
completely in my dream, so I'm figuring that's how Mr. Furley became
the aggressor.
Alright, I'm done sharing now. Lol.


Fri, Jul 30, 2010 at 3:36 PM

I'm home from your place unfortunately. I'm back here again!
Here where there's no room, here where there's no hope! Here where
there's nothing to permanently make me overcome these things, these
thoughts, this fucking place!
We got in the car & I told him you printed off directions for me!
Directions so I could go to this garage sale & see if they have a
treadmill! Something so small & insignificant, but something I would
use! Just one tiny change in my life.
He said:
"Where would we put it?"
He said:
"Why does this place have to be in Bay City! Why is everything so far away!"
He said:
Yeah, YOU need to do what's best for you, change your life. & I need
to do what's best for me, to change my life."
He said when I gave him his money:
"Yes, my $200 a month that I have to pay for gas just to go all over the place."
He said:
"You can move to San Antonio now. My family is there. You don't have
to wait for me."

& everything went away. The great feelings that Amy & Laura have tried
to spark went away. I don't have time to wait until next week for
someone on Craigslist to write me & offer help. I don't have time to
wait for the transportation, for the driver, for the money. I don't
even have time for volunteering. I need what I need, money &
transportation, NOW, today! Nevermind that things don't work like
that. That's what I NEED, NOW!
I need my own house so I'll have room for MY TREADMILL, so I won't
have to beg him to make room for me. I need my own money so I can pay
my own driver so I can go where I NEED to go to do what I NEED to do.
& I need it NOW! Right NOW!
Everything is slipping away again. Amy's suggestions that make me feel
so good, Laura's pushing me to do things that I hate that make me feel
better after I do them.
You & I going to the fair yesterday & that feeling of freedom!!! It's
all gone! Just GONE!!
Now I'm crying. I'm thinking about the alcohol I bought yesterday &
figuring I could drink all 6 bottles tonight, Hell, right now. Forget
tonight! I could do it now!
It won't solve anything in the long run, but I'll feel to good & sleep
to long to feel anything in the short term. I'll think about you &
fluffy baby lambs & riding on the Fireball all by myself yesterday!
I'll think of all the good times & they won't hurt anymore! I'll just
be happy again! Even if it's only for tonight!
This happens everytime. People say believe in change, ask the
universe, it'll come! Well it'll come has come & gone. His flexibility
even for the small things has gone. His patience, his tolerance for
me, his closest, favorite daughter, has come & gone. He's tired of
helping, tired of driving, tired of not having money, he's tired of
I don't blame him. It hurts me, but I don't blame him. I just love
him. I'm crying to hard to feel any other way, to think any other
I can't hate him even when I try.
I've been asking, been reaching & the results aren't varying. Their
the same. & if this is what happens when I ask for a treadmill, how
can I ask for something bigger? If noone replies to me on craigslist
when I ask for a blind person who was in my situation & overcame it,
how can I ask for a volunteer position or a driver when I have nothing
to offer?
& don't tell me how I provide comfort, how I make people laugh &
smile, that's not good enough. If that were good enough to get by, I'd
be getting by! But I'm not. Don't tell me people would miss me, they
love me, I don't care. That's not solving anything! It's not fixing
24 years of this, & one more makes 25. I'd rather call it a life now.
No point in waiting til my birthday. No point in making it a sad
occasion. No point in making them, you wait any longer. You'll find
other friends & they'll find other family, my sisters will get married
& have kids & add to the family pool.
& everyone else, you can't miss someone you don't REALLY, TRULY know,
INSIDE & OUT. So they won't miss me for long either.
Noone will & that's just the way I want it. Don't miss me, be happy &
move forward!

Making New Memories

Fri, Jul 9, 2010 at 11:10 PM

I've finally begun to make new memories, after 5 years. Maybe it's
because my mother is leaving (a whole other blog post), maybe it's
opening a new chapter with my life in the form of having a coach soon,
maybe it's because I'm using my cane when we go out in public, maybe
it's all of the above, maybe it's none of the above.
At any rate, my whole day was good, but my night was the best.
We went to the store today & instead of "waiting to lose weight" I
found a dress I liked & spent $30, on myself. Dad said the dress would
look even better "once you lose this!" as he grabbed my stomach, & it
hurt, but only for a little while. I realized in that moment, as much
as I care about his opinion, I could take every word he said
literally, be hurt & crushed by them & not get the dress. Or, I could
just agree with him, & also say: "Well, I need to lose it, but for
this moment, I like this dress, I like the way it fits & feels, & I'm
going to buy it. I'm not going to wait until I 'Lose this'."
Mom liked the way it looked on me & so did Cymmy & Bella.
Afterward we went to Little Cesars for lunch & Mom & I were talking
about his reaction in the bathroom. She said 'You know what his
problem is. He wants everybody to be like him & you aren't. You like
what you like & you bought it because you really liked it. It looks
good on you. We just had this discussion about what I would wear to
the wedding tomorrow night.'
That's why we were at Fashion Bug to begin with, for her. Dad doesn't
like certain colors on her & even though she's only 6 years older then
me, she's very old-fashioned in her beliefs. The man should make the
decisions, the woman should follow his lead 'most of the time'. I, AM.
COMPLETELY. DIFFERENT! Lol. & really, he raised me that way himself.
He always taught me not to take crap, from anybody. Males included. I
do what I want, when I want, how I want & if he doesn't like it, then
I don't need him in my life. We can do things together, do things
separate & still be in love. So it's funny to me that he married
someone like her. I guess now he's getting a taste of what mom went
through with him. She put him through hell, but he used to be the one
who didn't like to make decisions, who didn't want to take us girls
anywhere if she wouldn't go with us. & now, that's how Mom is.
Anyway, we had lunch, took her to work, then went to the mall. Man,
malls are bad!! Bad, bad, bad! Lol. I bought a nightgown & tanktop
with a built in bra, both things I NEEDED. However, then we ended up
at Bath & Beyond!! A couple of years ago we were in there. I found
this perfume I liked, but I wouldn't buy it for myself because it was
to expensive & I wasn't worth that.
It was $22!! He said he would buy it but I said no. So he said 'I'll
pay half then. Pick it up & take it to the counter, you're getting
it!' Lol. So I took it to the counter & got it.
Ever since then, I don't go in there often, but when I do I almost
always walk out with something! Lol. On the upside, I don't use the
lotion everyday. In fact, I've got 8-10 bottles sitting here now,
because I use them sparingly. & the two perfumes I got, one of which
is the one Dad helped me buy, are still here. I wear the one he helped
me buy whenever I go see E cuz he loves it! Lol.
I keep digressing though. So I walked out of the mall having spent
close to $50 & with Fashion Bug added in about $70.
I had actually managed to save some money from last month miracle of
miracles! Otherwise, I wouldn't have done it. I wouldn't have been
able to. & instead of dwelling on how much I spent or Dad's comment
about my weight, or the pizza I ate that I didn't need, I was just
Then we came home & this evening at about 9 after Mom got home from
work, we finally went outside & did our fireworks! It was to hot all
week to do them. We've had the air on since Monday & yesterday it got
up to 103. Go figure that it was 93 in San Antonio! How different is
that??? Lol.
Just Cymmy, Bella & I were out there, but it felt different. As I
said, finally making new memories. I'll never like this house. I'll
never be "thrilled" to live here, but being out there with them was
fun, even after I got eaten by mosquitoes!
We did our poppers that you throw on the cement & they pop. We pulled
the strings & shot confetti at each other from some other type of
firework (can't remember what their called), the girls broke apart
another one & rolled it under their feet till it cracked & showed up
like the fireworks displays do. & finally we had the little ones that
they have a string coming out of each end & you pull them & they snap.
Usually their in bed by 9, so they were already up past their bedtime,
but when we got done it was to nice to go inside, so we ran into the
backyard & they caught fireflies. I couldn't catch any, but they kept
giving the ones they caught to me & then I attracted even more for
whatever reason! Lol. They were on my skin & in my hair. It reminded
me of the butterfly exhibit I went to in school once.
My Braille teacher used to call me 'Madame Butterfly' & when we went
there, these butterflies just started landing on me! On my hands, my
arms, on my shirt & in my hair. At that moment I wished I could fly
away with them! Lol.
We played London Bridge is Falling Down, I'd never played that game
before. I've played Red Rover, Duck Duck Goose, Ring Around the
Rosies, & rock paper scissors on occasion, but never that one. So I
learned a new game. They kept doing handstands & yelling at each
"Count!" "Hold my feet!"
Cymmy actually fell & smacked her head on my arm. I was standing to
close to them apparently. They both started laughing & I said 'I think
you broke something vital!'
Lol. Things will never be 'what they were', but maybe they can be
better, then what they were, or might have been.
Optimistically yours,

My Own Ism!

Mon, Jul 5, 2010 at 10:13 PM

I have to give credit to Leslee for this one!!

My own Ism when it comes to religion. . .
I never thought of it that way before.
I grew up Methodist, both of my parents grew up Catholic.
When I hit my teen years, & even before that, I started to HATE God. I
mean, if he were a person I would have screamed & yelled & punched
"Why did you do this too me!! You're all knowing, all powerful, you
could have fixed me before I was born! You could have made my mother
miscarry! I hate you "FATHER", I hate you!!"
However, as he wasn't a person, I never said those things, at least
not out loud.

My mother used to watch Montel Williams often. Nearly Monday through
Friday all year round.
I don't remember when I started seeing Sylvia Browne on his show, but
mom was interested in her back then.
I was the one who said: "What? Oh yeah. Right. I believe that. I don't
believe in anything, not even her! Everybody's failed me, everybody's
cruel, screw them!"

Fast forward to when mom left. If I didn't believe in God before (yes,
you read that correctly), I sure as Hell didn't believe now!

For some reason though, Sylvia had never quite left my life. She just
sort of hung off the edges of my consciousness.
My friend Holly was going through the same thing & I new she got me,
so we comiserated on how horrible life was at least in the blindness

Anyway, I finally started reading some of Sylvia's books & was shocked!!
What? A Female God? Kind of like the Yin & Yang aspect! It's not an
Almighty Male God? He won't cast me into Hell? I wrote my own chart?
I've had a past life, make that past lives & charted my own course?
Ok, hold up! I decided to come into this world with a disability????
I'm not sure how I feel about that. I'm a control freak, so love being
in control, but if that's true, what drugs was I on!!?? Since when did
I start drinking alcohol & how much did I have the night I DECIDED to
come into this world with a superrare type of Cleft!!??
Who was with me! I want to know & I want to know NOW so I can properly
meat out punishment!
And then, another shocker. God was all knowing, powerful, wonderful!!!
However, we as humans started hanging human qualities on him/her.
Anger, rage, etc.
Why exactly do we want to sabotage something so pure & wonderful by
putting human qualities on something, someone so beautiful???
Needless to say, I was thoroughly confused.
I had to stop & think about all this.
I did. & I looked around at all the churches I'd gone & all the
newspaper articles I'd read & all the TV news I'd heard & something
struck me.
Every church I new of had some kind of limit.
We love everyone! Unless you're black, brown, GLBT, disabled, so on &
so forth. Oh, & some had limits. Only 20000 people will get into
heaven no matter how good you are.
& I decided then & there that I would do two things.
Follow the Church of Novus Spiritus as best I could, & secondly, but
most importantly, be true to myself!
So yes, I do have my own ism I suppose.
Be true to myselfism.
If I do something & feel bad, shamed, guilty, then I screwed up & I
shouldn't have done it.
If I do something though, & I don't feel bad, then great! I didn't
screw up & I can go on with my life.
I believe that hell is here on earth. This is hell with all it's wars,
abuses of power money people & animals. Corruption & greed & a mother
who can stick her child in a microwave, yes, for certain, this is HELL
to me, without question. With all it's hunger & deprivation & sorrow &
hate & pain, yes, this is hell.
Having said that, I do believe we're here to learn, to become better
people, to evolve & grow & change.
I also believe that other people are here to teach us.
Some teach us tollerence & love, others teach us how to bury a body
properly so we won't get caught. . .
Ahem, scratch that. I mean, they teach us how to walk away & let go.
If a person is toxic, hurtful, spiteful we should walk away & find
people who are the exact opposite.
We all deserve to be loved & uplifted, held & encouraged & respected.
Finally, as for the 10 commandments.
I believe as Sylvia once said (just as an example):
"Yes you should honor your mother & father, IF their honorable!"
Key question here: 'Are they honorable?'
Most people aren't nearly as bad as the persons I'm about to mention, but
If ted bundy or charles manson or albert fish or jeffrey domer had
children, would any of you say:
"Honor your father?"
I'm willing to bet not! At least most of us wouldn't.
So why not apply it to our parents? Just because they aren't serial
killers doesn't automatically mean they should apply for sainthood &
that we have to honor them.

Anyway, these are just my thoughts on the situation.
I think PP is the only place that doesn't purposefully & intentionally
avoid religion & politics. The other two "no-nos" in society.
Much pink love to all,

Sadie's Story

Sun, Jul 4, 2010 at 1:53 AM

I have so much to tell you, hopefully we can talk soon.
I'd rather talk then type, blah! Lol.
Anyway, here something to read when you get home.
I found this website through PP (Pink Posse), & decided to share how I
was finding my joy.


Dear Kim:

This is very long, so please bear with me.

Finding My Joy Through Grief

On January 23rd 2009, at 4:45PM, I lost my Doggie Daughter Gracie. She
was my first CockerSpaniel and she was with me through every trial and
tribulation from Friday April 11th 2003 until that agonizing, bitter
afternoon when she died of a heart problem.
I stumbled around for three weeks trying to make sense of it. I new
she was an old dog, but still! In my mind she never got older then 5.
That's how old she was the day my parents brought her home from the
I couldn't bear not finding her on the couch or not tripping over her
at night when I got up to go to the restroom. She would lay in front
of my bedroom door at night as if she were guarding me.
It was so bad that night as I bathed and brushed her for the last
time, all I could think about was crawling into the ground with her.
My best friend Holly actually stood there holding onto me after I'd
placed her in the ground as if she new my thoughts. I would go outside
at night and lay atop her grave in the snow and weep for her bitterly.

I told my friend I had to get another dog, another CockerSpaniel. That
was the only solution.
On Sunday Febuary 15th, my Father and I pulled up to a rescue mission
an hour and a half away from home.
We went in to see the CockerSpaniel the woman had said we could look at.
She was the only Cocker the woman had and was terrified of everything.
"She's from a puppy mill." the woman said off handedly as if it was no big deal.
Once the woman found out I was blind that only complicated matters.
"She runs from everyone. You won't be able to catch her. It won't work."
She and my Dad carried on a conversation while I sat with this
nameless beautiful baby girl. I had to sit in the corner with her
because she wouldn't come to me.
She lay very still on her stomach, head on paws, nothing even letting
me know she was alive but her panting. I sat with her for 2 hours and
still not one movement.
The woman was still not sure but I said:
"Call our vet, check our references! I want to take care of her! I
know what it's like to have society not believe in you, I can take
care of this dog!"
She finally agreed on a "trial" basis. I had to agree to call her and
let her know how the dog was doing to.
I settled on Sadie as her former name was Socks and Sadie was closely
related to Gradie, which my Dad called Gracie often.
On the drive home she licked my hand. I new we were set! We had to be!
At home though, she wouldn't eat for 3 days. She seemed to hate my
sister's dog Duke, even though he was just a big furball trying to get
acquainted with her.
She never showed signs of agression, just acted like a puppet on a string.
Everywhere I went, she went in my arms. Where ever I sat her, she
stayed until I was ready to take her somewhere else.
She was afraid of the children, shaky about being on a leash, confused
on the grass outside and the carpet inside. She wouldn't even look at
you if you called her name.
She hid in my room whenever I'd let her get away with it and would try
to escape the few times we let her off the leash.
She ate wet puppy food for the first month.
Fast forward to today, Independence Day 2010.
She still doesn't really know how to play with other dogs and isn't
sure of the kids. She runs away if she comes into the livingroom and
discovers that you've seen her make her grand entrance!
She still isn't even sure about toys and doesn't play fetch, but when
I ask her who the baby is she crawls to me on her belly. When she
sleeps her head lays on her front paws and her back paws stretch out
behind her, feet pointing out sideways! She loves to be outside and
runs around crazily in the grass.
She's a chocolate colored CockerSpaniel, which is very rare, so Dad
says in the winter when the snow is piled high she looks like a little
white calf running through it.
And just this evening I heard her chewing on something so I rushed
over to investigate! She had dragged Duke's chew toy into my room and
claimed it as her own! I couldn't have been more ecstatic!
Out of my anguish over losing Gracie came something absolutely beautiful.
I believe Gracie sent Sadie to me not just for her sake, but for mine.
Through Sadie, I'm slowly learning to push my own boundaries and
expand my own horizons.
Not only am I blind, but I was also born with an extremely rare birth
defect called a Tessier Cleft. Since I was 9 years old I've been
hiding myself, isolating myself from the world in my bedroom.
After I graduated public schools in December 2003 (graduated 6 months
ahead of my class), after my mom left my Dad in March of 2004, I had
only put up more walls, more defenses.
I believe Gracie sent Sadie to me knowing that through helping Sadie
find her joy, her Perfect Doggieness, I would also start trying to
find my joy, my Perfect Humannity.
And she was right.
Thank you Gracie!


Tue, Jun 29, 2010 at 11:18 PM

My memories hurt me.
I should be able to relive the past & feel happy, but the majority of
the time I can't.
I remember my sister as a child.
I helped feed her. I rocked her, played with her, made funny faces at her.
She had this fuzzy rattle with a hand hold. Whenever I tried to take
it away from her, she would growl at me!
That should make me smile, & it does for a second. But now we're so
far apart a rattle won't bring us back together.
She's too much like my mother & I'm too much like my father. It's like
oil & water.
We just aren't anymore.
I remember the day she came home crying her eyes out because her
friends wouldn't let me be a part of their club.
Now, she wouldn't want me to be part of her club even if she had one.
I remember Dad playing legos with me & taking me to the park.
After Becca came along, that all stopped.
I remember mom playing Egbert. It was kind of like Barney, someone I
could tell all my thoughts to, no matter what those thoughts might be.
She even had this voice & everything.
I remember her bouncing me on her knees & singing:
"This is the way the ladies ride, the ladies ride, the ladies ride,
This is the way the ladies ride so early in the morning."
She'd go through the gentlemen & the farmers & when she got to the
soldiers I always thought I'd fly off her lap!
That was fast back then.
I remember her singing other songs to. She had it. I used to be so
impressed! She new all the words & she could actually carry a tune!
That was soooo cool!
I remember digging for worms in the summer & toads & frogs. Catching
grasshoppers & butterflies, picking cattails & exploring the woods
with her.
Finding all the pussywillows & moss on the trees, she let me touch everything!
Everything was new & smelled so good & sweet & clean!
It was the closest to heaven you'll ever get on earth.
I remember skipping rocks with my cousins, before they all grew up &
left me to my own devices.
I remember sledding with Mark my brother & falling through the ice in
the ditch! Oops! Lol.
I remember him babysitting us & listening to all his rap music.
Mom woulda killed him if she'd known back then! The thought still
makes me smile.
I had an imaginary friend named of all things, Turpentine! Lol. I
actually thought that was a rockin name back then!
We had this table with the flaps on it. In other words, if you pulled
the flaps up & into place, the table was bigger. Then when you didn't
need them anymore, you just pulled them down.
I used to go under the table to play with Turpentine. I would push
them up, but not all the way, just to hear them bang when they came
down. I liked the clatter. Lol.
I remember a time when I was actually thrilled to go to school!
I had this horse that I'd bounce up & down on, & it would go squealing
around the yard. It made so much noise! Lol.
I'd bound down the driveway on that thing when the school bus came!
That was pre-school. I went from 2 & a half until I was 5, then onto
kindergarten. Blah!!
I was so excited, I can't even put it into words for you. I was
addicted to swimming & swinging & being pulled around on my scooter or
bouncing around on one of those huge (at the time they seemed huge)
exercise balls with the handle.
They had what reminded me of a big air mattress, & they blow it up &
we'd all jump up & down & play around on it.
When gym class was over, they'd let all the air out & we'd roll around
on it to make sure it was all out. We used to eat PB&J's for lunch, &
I remember having chocolate milk with it & thinking:
"This doesn't go together. . ."
But now I'd kind of like to taste it again, just to remember it better.
We played with beeper balls & shaving cream! Shaving cream was one of
my favorite things in the world!!
Then I went to public schools & started getting the snot beat out of me.
My cousins grew up & took off to have their own lives & never looked back.
Becca came along & everything changed. Then we moved across the street
from our old house & she got friends & everything changed.
Mark left to eventually & now he's dead & things will never be the same.
Even Dad changed after the split. He grew up just a bit & will tell me
I have to grow up to.
I refuse. I may be 24, but I had practically my entire childhood taken
from me! I won't let anyone take away my adultchildhood to!
Even being best friends with Holly has changed. We were going to go to
college together, be roomies, blah blah blah.
But none of that happened.
& now I remember all these things & I wish I could forget them,
because they don't feel good anymore! They hurt!
It's like everything's bad. The bad things are bad & the good things
are bad to, because everything's painful.
Everything hurts & I wish I could just wipe my memory clean of
everything until the day I woke up & said:
"Ok, I'm ready to move forward now."
But how do you move forward when you're constantly reminded of the
past. Or, at the very least, how do you make tainted memories
untainted, so you can remember without feeling like your heart's being
crushed in a vice?


Mon, Jun 28, 2010 at 12:46 AM

It's been 6 years since you left. Funny, it doesn't seem like 6, but
there it is.
You left March 5th 2004. We had my cousin's wedding to attend that
night! You couldn't have picked a worse time to leave!
Of course, you weren't worried about timing.
I woke up & went into the livingroom. Grandma & the cousins were
sitting around talking. It was complete numbness for everyone
Some of them were carrying out furniture, Dad included & those who
weren't were sitting there talking.
I asked what was going on & you said you were leaving. I felt like I
was 3 again, & semi acted like it.
I followed you & Dad around the house asking if I could help with
anything. I couldn't, so I just kept wandering.
When you left Dad went with you & I thought he was crazy! Why was he
helping you move out when there were other people there to help???
That wasn't his job!
But even in the end he bent over backwards for you.
You took the good furniture & allowed it to waste in Grandma's basement!
But I don't care about that.
You didn't pay child support for becca & Dad let you get away with it
even though we were suffering!
But I don't care about that.
You left Dad with a $133000 loan up against the house, & now I have to pay rent!
But I don't care about that.
You blamed me for your divorce:
"Well, you're right. I'm not good enough for you or your sister or your father!"
But that only hurt a little. . .
You came into the house & attacked Dad verbally & physically, which
almost lead to your demise! (Which would have left me in prison thank
But that only hurts some.
You left becca & Dad in the dark! I had to carry their weight, plus my
own! I had to suck in all my pain & fake my way through it!
That hurt even more.
But the worst thing you did was rip my foundation out from under me!
& that I care about! That hurt, still hurts!!!
I could say all kinds of things to you, call you a bitch & a whore for
sleeping around on Dad while you were married!
But that won't solve anything.
You made me question my morals, my values! Everything I ever new, ever
believed in, you broke it! You crushed it, shattered it & still that
wasn't enough!
You had to jump on the shards of glass, use your heels to ground them
into the floor, make them disappear! Leave them lost, unreachable to
& for that, I still hate you!
You left some of your clothes behind in the early days. Some of your
high heeled shoes & I sat in your closet inhaling the scent from those
I held those shoes & remembered clomping around in them when I was a
little girl.
You said you were sorry, but then you screamed at me to get over it!
You said if your parents divorced when you were 3 & you got over it, I
could surely get over you & Dad!
But I couldn't for the longest time.
Even now I hate this house. We have a new mom, 2 new sisters, new
dogs, new cats, a "new life" as it were.
But this house still holds you in it. & the house across the field
where we used to live holds even more of you.
You seem to seep into everything!
Why can't you get out?? Why can't you leave me alone!!
I still cry when I hear "Family Portrait" from Pink. It's nearly
unbearable listening to Evanescence's "My Immortal".
& forget Mario Whinan's & P. Diddy's "Don't Wanna Know".
I can still hear becca singing:
"Oh mommy, we don't wanna know, if you're creepin' keep it on the low,
cuz our hearts just can't take it anymore!
Oh mommy, we don't wanna know."
& Britany's "Every Time" "Every time I try to fly I fall, without my
wings I feel so small".
I still cry. & I could go on forever with this list, but I won't.
There was a time when every little thing reminded me that you weren't
around & some days, I feel like I'm still back there.
Most days I feel ok, but the other days I don't.
I've given up talking to you, your hopeless!
You act like we should feel bad, like we're the ones who left.
Well screw you! You left us! Y.O.U. left us!
Then you got sick. Scleroderma, your going to die. Probably from the
drinking & smoking first though at this rate.
Sometimes I wish you were dead, then I could pretend you really loved
& missed me while you were gone, or even better, I could pretend that
you never wanted to leave, that you died & that's why you left, & it
wasn't your fault.
It was out of your hands. But that's not so.
I loved you. I remember your depression, I remember you crying, the
rape when you were a child.
I remember all that. How could I forget?
& it's the one thing that makes it hard for me to push you completely
out of my life.
I keep seeing that damned little girl! That scared, frightened, lonely
little girl! & she's me! She belongs to you, but I have my own & so it
makes it a million times harder for me to push it, you away!
I still hate you! But I still love you. I'll never figure out why, but I do.
You left me afraid of men, afraid I'd never gain your approval, afraid
of losing your love (which I never had), afraid to love others, to let
them in & take my guard down!
You left me clinging to broken blood stained memories even after everything!
You shook me when I pissed you off when I was little. You screamed at
me! Tried to control my thoughts, my feelings, to speak for me!
You tried to keep me locked up with you & keep me away from other
women because you were so insecure!
But I loved you! I'd have walked through fire for you! I did walk
through fire for you!
We all did! Just like "My Immortal" says!
We held your hand, we wiped away your tears, we tried to fight off all
your fears!
We were a family!! A FAMILY!!! & you took it away!
Divorcing Dad was one thing, but you divorced us!! We cramped your
style & you visit only when it works for you! We're the last "things"
to do on your "to-do" list!
You carried us! I thought that meant something! You gave birth to us!
Doesn't the fact that we came out of your body, that you heard our
hearts beat & counted our fingers & toes mean anything????
Some will blame it on your addiction to alcohol, but that's just a cop
out! You had quit drinking & smoking for 6 years & you started back up
because YOU chose to! Nobody held a gun to your head!
You wanted to be a teenager again, not that I know why, because your
teenage years sucked! But you chose it!
& yet, I still have the common decency to want to make sure you're
taken care of before you die.
I don't want you in a nursing home for fear they won't take care of
you like I would.
I hate you for tangling me up & I hate you for jumbling all my
thoughts & trying to run my life & control my relationships!
But I still love you.
I will not bow to this anymore though. So if I see you I see you & if
I don't I don't.
If we talk we talk & if we don't we don't.
If you're proud of me great if not I don't care!
It may take me 6 more years to release all this agony I had to cover
up while helping Dad & becca, but I'll push through it one way or
& once I'm gone, I'm gone. I'm not looking back & you can forget
having a phone number or a forwarding address, cuz it's not happening!
My whole life you've tried to control me, break my relationships up
(grandma & Dad, on the Dad score you failed, but grandma has her own
bs to apologize for)!
But you can rest assured you won't do it again. I won't give you the chance.

"So Close To You"

Sun, Jun 27, 2010 at 9:57 PM

It's been so long since we were this close.
I can feel your breath blow gently across my face.
You lean in & kiss me & I'm fairly certain I've left myself.
I run my fingers through your hair.
I rub your back & caress your face.
There's so many people but they cease to exist when I'm this close to you.

This close. So close & yet so far.
How can it be? How am I so close to you but not?

You ask me to stay & I wish I could!
I want to so badly, you have no idea!
This isn't the first time I've been here.
I've been here before, but it's still different.
Then again, I guess every time is different.

I'm so close to you. So close & yet so far.
How can it be? How am I so close to you but not?

I take your big soft hands in mine.
I feel them, massage them.
I even touch your nails just because I can.
I like them. Their perfect!
Then again, you're perfect!
You with all your rage, all your imperfections.
You are perfect in them.

I'm so close to you. So close & yet so far.
How can it be? How am I so close to you but not?

You hold me tightly & say you have to go.
I want to beg you to stay, but that's not dignified.
You say
"Be careful!
Get home safe. . ."
I think if I were riding with you, I would be safe.

I'm so close to you. So close & yet so far.
How can it be? How am I so close to you but not?

I give you your treat & you act like it's the first time.
Your body fills with excitement & so does mine.
To add insult to injury, you lean down for another round of kisses
before you depart.
I silently urge you on & hold your body tight against mine.
I know this will all come to nothing, but I don't care!
So go on! Give me your kisses & affection.
Their all I need to keep me moving, so go on, give them to me.

I'm so close to you & yet so far.
How can it be? How can I be so close to you but not?

"Take It!!"

I stood in the doorway waiting for you to acknowledge my presence.
You didn't. You had your back turned & kept it that way.
It seems your back is always turned to me.
Psychology says make I statements instead of you statements.
Well screw psychology! I'm about to make the most unpolitically
correct statement there is!
This, all this is your fault! For once, you will take the blame!
For once I won't feel shame.
I won't feel guilt or lowly gratitude when you pay attention to me.
Not this time! You will feel it, not me!

I still stand here in this doorway, waiting hoping.
I know you'll let me down, you always do!
It's the one thing I can count on you for!
It's the one thing you're good for, good at!
Your back is still turned.
Your attention is still elsewhere & that's okay.
Today it's okay, because I'm leaving.
No more waiting & hoping, no more crushed dreams & blind faith.
No longer will I be the doormat you so brazenly stamp your feet on.
I'm done!

I move away from the door, slamming it behind me with such force it
nearly comes out the other side of the frame.
You finally turn towards me. You finally acknowledge me!
You finally cry for me!
But I don't care now!
All you've stood for is meaningless!
Everything you've said emptiness!
& you, you are now, finally, worthless!
Does it feel good?
Do you like it?
May I offer you some salt for your open wounds?
You can have it, I don't need it anymore!
Take it! Take it! Take it!!!

Reaction To Three and a Half Days Blog Post

Hello All,
So, it looks like I've gotten all the most important posts out now! I
just need to keep on top of Pink News & my email, hahahaha!!

So onto my next topic.
I said that the 3 & a half days topic left me with things to say.
Before we go any further, I NEED to say this is coming from me, my
twisted thoughts, so let's make that clear.
I believe everything that was said is true & correct, & whether we
have x amount of time to live or not, we should never take our
lives/loved ones for granted.

I however, have had a long relationship with death. When I was born my
face was completely open. If you can imagine the open face of a baked
potato, that's how my face was, split down the middle. I not only had
holes where my eyes should have been, I also had holes right under
where the eyes should have been, & my top lip looked like it was
perfectly split down the middle & instead of covering my top teeth, it
covered those holes.
And of course, my hard palate was wide open. I didn't eat anything
cold for the first two years of life for fear the liquid would get up
into my brain & cause a literal "brain freeze".
Because my face was open, I was swallowing the amneotic fluid that
should have been protecting me. Not only was I swallowing it, but I
was basically drowning in it because I couldn't stop myself from
drinking it.
They told my parents I shouldn't be alive at all. It was the typical
'give her 72 hours & then we'll see what happens.'
I was taken by ambulance to Motts Children's hospital 2 hours away
from Saginaw & my parents. I was born at Saginaw General.
My mom couldn't see me until Saturday (I was born on Tuesday). At
Motts they gave me liquids through a feeding tube. I made it through
the 72 hours & then they said:
'She'll be weak. She'll be sickly. She could be mentally disabled.'
They even went so far as to ask my parents if I had a name & write
down every time they changed me, held me, fed me, basically any time
they touched me. (After they could come see me).
So I was already supposed to have died & I hadn't. Then came the
surgeries themselves. Surgeries to fix my clubbed (turned in) foot,
close my palate (still not completely closed), skin grafts taken from
buttocks, arm cartlidge from behind both ears, fat from my neck (into
my lips & face), two skull grafts (also into my face), & two ribs
removed (in one surgery & put into my face) all to build up bone
structure. The first surgery they ever did ballooons were placed into
my cheeks & a tube into my head to inflate said balloons, so they
could do the latter closures & repairs.
Some of those surgeries were more serious then others, but I could
have died during any of them. Then there was the kids who hated me &
finally, myself, putting myself at risk.
The kids punched me, usually in the face. If any of them had punched
me hard enough, those bones would have broken. They could have became
floaters, just floating loosely around in my face & if they'd reached
my synus cavity, I wouldn't be here writing this post.
& me. I go to amusement parks, concerts & get in the mosh pit. The
mosh pit is the most dangerous place for me, as I said, flying fists,
a shoe to the head, etc. But I go because I love it. The feeling of
being up there, so close to the band & releasing all that hate & rage
& pain is something I can't express adequately with my words alone.
You have to be there & you have to be able to see it through my eyes.
Nevermind that the very first time I attempted suicide I was only 6
years old. I tried to hang myself with some rope. I couldn't find any
rope though & mom & Dad woke up wanting to know what I was doing. I
lied & went back to my room. After that I started scratching my palms
& the backs of my hands with my fingernails. I would get angry if
something didn't work & bang my head against whatever was there. A
bedpost, the dresser, a door it didn't matter to me. I thought
incessantly about how I could kill myself. Belts, scarves, putting my
own hands around my throat, drowning, or maybe I could be brave &
drink cleaning supplies or alcohol (I never did those). By the time I
was in middle school I was ripping clumps of my hair out & leaving
myself with bald spots that were chalked up to stress. At least,
initially. After all, school was stressful on me. Then I started
pouring pills into glasses of water & sticking my fingers in them to
feel them melt. I wasn't able to convince myself to drink the water,
but I'd mix pills after a while.
By the time high school came I was taking pills, but only painkillers
& not often. If I had surgery I'd be in pain & not take them telling
everybody I was fine. But 6 months later when I wanted to die I'd take
two handfulls of them. My parents trusted me, even though it was a
misplaced trust they didn't know it was. When I was 18, my parents
marriage was falling apart, but it just shattered. It didn't fall
apart slowly, one day they were living together, & within a month & a
few odd days, my mom had left. I new it was breaking & I didn't want
to have to witness it again like I did their separation when I was 3,
so I tried to slit my wrists with a regular shaving razor. Didn't
work, but I finally told them what I'd done. mom was furious. She
proceeded to scream at me & act like she hadn't ever done it herself.
Dad for his part just lost it. He went & bought beer I don't know how
much he drank, the rest of that night was kind of a blur. Holly was
the most supportive person there. She & another friend brought over
Oreo cookies & I ate the whole bag while we talked.
After that though, I wasn't so scared & it got easier to hurt myself.
Even easier then it was before & I'd use scissors or a knife. Not
often, I was strange in one sense. I wasn't an all the time anything.
Whether it was a cutter, a pill taker, I didn't do it all the time. My
thoughts were all the time, every day all day, but I'd hold it in
until I absolutely couldn't anymore which usually meant a few times a
I'm sorry this is so long, but I needed to write all that to get to my
thoughts today, right now.
I read the 3 & a half days post & felt incredibly sad for everyone
involved. I thought it was cruel & sad & I was genuinely moved by the
question it posed.
What would we do if we only had a certain amount of time left.
I could do the noble thing & say I'd get closer with my family, be
more forgiving, more tolerant of myself & my actions. . .
But the truth is, I've known that death was there all my life & while
I love my Dad & would be crushed if he died, while I love Holly &
Elias & Shaun & would be devistated if they died, my own mortality
doesn't have the same affect on me. I would want to know that I
changed the world for better before I died. That being said, I also
honestly don't care if I die. The only thing I can say is that I want
to die in my sleep, or if I have to die by other means, I want to be
unconscious & not realize that I'm dying.
To actually say that I care though & don't want to die would be an
incorrect statement. I'm still not at that point where I love myself
so much that I want to be here. If I was told that the rest of my life
would be living with my parents, getting SSI every month & not
becoming a humanitarian, not helping adults & children & animals, I'd
be ready to die tonight. I could die happily knowing that I met Elias
& Shaun & spent time with Holly & her girls (cats) & my girls (dog &
cat), & Dad & that I new they loved me & I loved them & that was that.
I'm slowly working towards better things. I'm thrilled to be here &
talk with people who sincerely care about each other's wellbing &
happiness. I feel better knowing that I can be a part of it, so I am
improving & I know that & acknowledge it.
This is where I'm at right now in my life though & here's to hoping it
only gets better!
Lots of pink love,


Sat, Jun 26, 2010 at 12:12 AM

Alright, at long last, my NONPOINT post!
I went to see them on Tuesday June 8th. I was there early with my
friend Holly (also a member of PP) & was ecstatic to be there as
We were in the mosh pit, right up against the chainlink barricaid!
The first band was ho-hum, so we talked & stared & I almost fell
asleep! Lol. Not very rock, right?
The second band was Critical Bill. I'll be honest, they weren't as
good as NP, but they were good, & so I showed them some respect. I
usually try not to move until NP comes out so I don't waste my energy.
I give it all to E & figure there's no sense on wasting it with some
of the openers. Not to be cruel, but most of them aren't worth wasting
that energy on when you can't get it back.
Anyway they did House of Pain's "Jump Around"!! & my brother RIP, that
was one of his favorite songs so I danced & jumped & screamed the
lyrics! Lol.
They also did "Move Bitch"! (Ludacris), & I love that song so I gave
it my all. Their lead singer actually came over & bent down to listen
to me sing! Lol. I didn't realize it was him, but Holl said it was
Then NP came out!! It was the longest wait of my life!! Usually
there's 3 openers so I don't know if one of them couldn't make it or
what, but I basically rested until I heard the crowd start screaming.
They were in perfect form as usual! They ran through "Miracle, Bullet
With a Name, Broken Bones, Alive & Kicking, Witness, Hands Off!,
Whacha Got For Me?, 5 Minutes Alone (Pantera cover), The Truth, 13,
Frontline, & a few others. Honestly, I was so wired & so focussed on E
it was a miracle I could remember any of the songs! Lol. Plus, they
didn't play some of the ones they normally do! (cry)!! No "Endure,
Victim, Rabia, or In The Air Tonight"!
E did his usual moaning & panting on stage. He's very naughty!!! Lol.
By the time it was over, I could bearly walk! Lol. I was humped almost
the entire time they were on stage by the people around me! Lol. At
least Holl had my back covered, literally! Lol. She was standing
behind me & kept a tight hold on me when things got crazy!
I bought 4 shirts & a poster! Some of the best money I ever spent I might add!
So anyway, onto the wonderful meeting. . .
I have to confess, I go more for the meet & greets now then the show
itself. Lol. The show is always great, without question. As E said
himself, they move, they sweat, they squirt water on the hot crowd!
Lol. But I just love seeing him afterward! It's something I can't put
into words. I know I'm going to see him & my stomach flips & I wait
with anticipation like no other. It's like electricity flowing through
my veins!
So we're at the merch booth & we don't see them anywhere. Holl keeps saying:
"I can't find them! I don't see them anywhere!"
& I'm going:
"Well, their coming out. I know they are, they ALWAYS do!"
Lol. So finally she tells me to wait. When she comes back she says
something like:
"Make your decision. Whatever you want signed, get it cuz I found someone."
But she doesn't say who! Lol. & I can't decide, I want all 4 shirts
signed! Hell, I want my body signed!! Lol. But that's another story
entirely & not suitable for people under 21!
So I'm debating & he walks up & says in this voice I can't even
describe!!, think silk or melted chocolate over peanut butter (the
melted version of Reece Peanut Butter Cups),
"Hi. . . P R I N C E S S. . ." Just really drawing it out & I grab him & go:
Lol. He just says:
"I love you! I. love. you!"
Lol. Then he kisses my cheek, several times. I'm positive I lost
count. And I'm just thinking:
"Don't faint! Breathe! Speak! Don't faint!" Lol.
He tells me to say goodbye before I leave & he signs all my shirts!
Then he says to Holly:
"Now fold those so she won't lose them!"
Lol. So after he leaves I go:
"Mom, are you gonna fold them?"
Lol!!! She says I have to fold them & I'm like:
"Nu uh!! He said you had to fold them!" (grin)
So she does & I'm just jumping up & down! Lol. He's right there
talking to someone else, still so close I can hear him, so I'd be
willing to bet money he saw me, but I didn't even care! I just let
loose with it!
Well, turns out he left before I did, because he came back & I said:
"How is it that other people get to play paintball with you & I can't
have any time!" (grinning at him)
He says: "I know, but we got eaten alive by mosquitoes anyway."
Zach (guitarist) volunteers: "Yeah, & I got hit in the face!" He was
signing my shirts.
I said: "Look, I'd get eaten alive by sharks, ok!"
Lol. They laughed. I also saw Robb (drummer) & KB (bassist).
E leans over & whispers: "How you like my guitarist? Way more social!"
I just smiled. I asked him where they were going & he told me. I was
even more jealous after that! Lol.
I told him to behave & he gave me more kisses!
After the club closed Holl & I stood outside waiting for Dad. This guy
said we could go with them, but we already had our ride, so he waited
with us instead.
Honestly, I would have gone with them, I really would have! I wanted
so desperately to spend time with E & I always do!
It's horrible because we're both flirts & I'm always left craving more
time with him.
It's like walking on air or being high. It's so intoxicating & so
thrilling! I walk on air for a month beforehand & months afterward!
Initially it hurt after he went off the market. In fact he told me &
I'm like: "That's great! Wonderful!! Congratulations!!" & yet I'm
dying inside! Just dying!
He had asked me to stay after a few times, but it was in the infancy
of our friendship & everytime he asked either Dad had to work the next
day & he was the only one who'd come with me to the show, or I
couldn't get Holl to come to a show & he didn't feel like staying out
late so I couldn't.
I often wonder what would have happened if I had stayed, but our
friendship is what it is now & I wouldn't have it any other way. He's
the only person with a hard copy rough draft of my autobio &
therefore, the only person who knows EVERYTHING, about me. He said
he'd have it published already if he had the money.
As for my part, I have no regrets. I've had to choose friendship over
love twice & have always made the right decision. I'd rather have two
great friends in my life then two great loves that didn't work out.
Their still great loves & I would walk through fire for them, but
their great friends & I couldn't ask for anything more!

Fuel Concert!

Thu, Jun 24, 2010 at 3:46 AM


Hello All!,
As I said last night, I saw Fuel in concert on the 4th of this month.
I have to say, it was a unique experience for me.
When I go to a concert normally, it's for two reasons:
1. To vent, & I do mean vent. We're talking in the mosh pit, jumping
up & down & shoutting out the words, usually directed at my mother,
people who tell me I can't do something, etc. Every song holds a
meaning, & every feeling is so intense at SEETHER concerts I cry &
during NONPOINT concerts I rage. (It's not that cut & dried, but I'm
making it overly simplistic for this particular post).
& 2. To meet, greet & expand the band's egos by telling them how great
& wonderful they are! And, yes, I do mean it. I don't give praise
where it isn't deserved.

So I go to see Fuel, & the only song they played that really held
significant meaning was "Hemorhage in my Hands". (Dedicated to my
mother). But every other song I was able to dance for the sake of
dancing & get lost in the words. I didn't cry or scream or hurt, I
just was.
I must confess, I didn't think the performance was super, & I probably
won't shell out money to see them again when I can just have a CD, but
it was definitely a different feeling.
I usually leave a concert feeling emotionally drained, exhausted, but
tremendously good, because I got to see the band. But this time, all I
felt was good. I think I could grow to like that feeling. . .