ORIGINALLY POSTED AT MY BLOG ON THE PINK POSSE ON OR NEAR
Thu, Sep 9, 2010 at 11:39 AM
Traditionally, I don't say the things I want to say. Traditionally, I
keep my mouth shut.
But not today. I have a call with Amy later on, Mamamorphosis, & I
don't want anything getting in the way, so I'm clearing the decks
Holly, in case you come across this at some point, none of the things
I'm about to say are directed at you!
I wanted to take a bath. You were gone, so I figured what the heck? I
turned up the TV real loud, left my bedroom door wide open so I could
hear it, then headed into the bathroom. I shut the door, no rule
breaking there. I had it all planned out, & for the first 15 minutes
or so, it worked out great! Then you came home, walked in the door,
turned down the TV to ear-bleeding levels *ear-bleeding in the sense I
had to strain to hear it*!! This is our house, where we all live.
There's no way to dial down the kids, or mom, or you for that matter.
So why was my TV turned down? It was a minor inconvenience at worst, &
would have only lasted a half hour, maybe 45 minutes. I don't usually
take hour long bathes, otherwise I'd be the prune of all prunes! Lol.
I think it was pretty unfair, but the mood I'm in at the moment, I'd
rather yell at you then talk, which is why I'm writing instead. It's
much safer & allows me to get this off my chest without giving you an
over the top tongue lashing, that I know you don't deserve, especially
when a simple question would suffice.
I love you. I trust you. I pour my heart out to you because I love &
trust you. Nothing I said last night was light hearted, nor was it
meant to be taken lightheartedly. I may not be you, but that doesn't
make me 'crazy'. Only you can be you & only I can be me. We come
together based on some middle ground/something we have in common. Your
email response didn't make me angry, it just hurt. I guarantee you
didn't mean for it to, you aren't that kind of person & I write that
with conviction. However, it did hurt. It felt like sarcasm & fluff
was used to cover up what I said, what I felt & that hurts.
Yes, I am sensitive, I always have been & yes, there are more pressing
problems in the world then Dot's seizures or my brother's death, or
Shaun Morgan's relapse, but those issues are more pressing to other
people, not to me, because they aren't my issues. The issues I wrote
last night, are my issues, two of which I can deal with, one of which
is way over my head & out of my control.
Fires & floods & murders are horrible & you know, based on what you
know about me already, that those problems are viewed as awful in my
book. There's no denying that. But there's also no denying that they
aren't banging down my front door either. I know what pain is, I've
dealt with addiction & grief, & those are the issues foremost on my
mind at the moment. Maybe it was because you were at work & didn't
have enough time to respond. Maybe it was because you were feeling
stressed out yourself. Maybe it was just that you're tired of hearing
me ramble, or that the 'story' didn't change even though we haven't
talked in a few weeks. Whatever it was though, it still hurt & I want
you to know that.
Now that I've said this, I grant myself the grace to feel the anger &
hurt, then move on. & I grant you both the grace of letting it go. I'm
done, I'm not quite satisfied, but I'll get there.
"It'll only take a few minutes. When does anything that's supposed to
take a few minutes only take a few minutes?"--Garfield - "The Garfield
Show" & he's right!
"Find me, feel me, fill me, then cut me up!!"--Shaun Morgan - Seether "Burrito"
"It's so cold out here tonight, I met a bear walking down the street &
even he was wearing pants!"--Elias Soriano Febuary 2009, joking about
Michigan's f-f-f-freezing weather!