Monday, May 27, 2013


Hurt's Jay Loren writes:
I'll take one, 'cause I needed to feel it so much
I had an emotional crutch, but
I'm feeling bored so I'll take some more
'Cause nothing is happening

And once you told me that you loved me so much
I foolishly began to trust, but
Now I'm ignored and I'm taking more, till
Something is happening.

I'll take one 'cause I needed to feel it so much
I needed that thing we call fun, but
Now I'm ignored and I'll take some more, till
something is happening

Cause once I thought you were right here with me, so
Maybe I'll take two or three
Until I believe what I have seen is really happening.

Morpheus! how could you leave me when I had need of your love?
Stop holding back!
Give me one reason to think you're decent!
When I am Alone
Don't you ever try to bring me back!

With this one I needed to feel you so much,
I Wantingly longed for your touch, but
Now I'm ignored and I'm feeling bored
'till something is happening.

Because once I thought you were right here with me, so
Maybe I should take two or three
Until I believe what I have seen is really happening

With this one I needed to feel you so much
I needed that thing we call fun, but
Now I'm ignored and I'm feeling bored till something is happening.

And once I thought you were right here with me, so
Maybe I'll take two or three
Until I believed that what I have seen is really happening.

No! No more!
God, Morpheus! Why did you leave me when I had need of your love?
No holding back now! Give me the real thing!
I've got a reason!
When I am alone, alone. . .

Don't you ever try to take me back!

I see myself here. I took a sip and then it became 2. It became 3 and
4 and 5 until the small cup was gone.
It became 2 small cups and then 1 big glass.
Now it's 2 bottles.
The cups and glasses and 1 bottle days are over.
I don't do it every day, or even every week.
From January to May it's been 3 times in Boulder and once here. That's
a considerable pick up from only on holidays. Only Christmas and
Thanksgiving. . . only Thanksgiving, Christmas and my birthday.
There's always an exception to be made.
It's like the pills I've taken. . . only when I feel this bad, only
when I miss our Dad this much. . . only when I miss my sister that
much. . .
I'm losing my ownly times and watching them slip away.
They float by on 5 muscle relaxants here and 2 bottles of Mike's there.
They breeze by old overdoses and old hanging attempts.
They race past the time I pulled out my hair and the 2 times I cut.
I watch them whoosh by and realize I'm the only one who can stop it.
I don't stop though. It's like there's this little thing inside me and
no matter how good I'm doing, it pops up occasionally just to remind
me it's there.
Miss Self-Destruct, just like Trent Reznor's Mr. Self-Destruct. I have
a self destruct button in me to and I push it every once in a while to
see what'll happen.
Can my liver take it after all the drugs it's already absorbed?
Can my body take it after all she's been through?
And my liver does. . . and my body does. . . I do.
But I'll never know why.

Dear Aunt Margaret

I feel fortunate that I didn't leave anything unsaid to you. Perhaps
that's kind of self-serving. . . it's also true.
Having said that, I did make you a promise. I promised to visit you today.
I want you to know I was there in spirit and that I was staying at
mom's so I could come see you today.
I also hope I was able to provide you with a modicum of comfort
Saturday. I'm still feeling somewhat stunned, as I knew it'd be fast.
. . just not this fast. I'm feeling a bit numb and a bit not. Tearful
and I don't even know what else.
I said there was nothing unsaid, but I do want to reiterate my
gratitude for everything you did for me.
I remember you babysitting Fur and I, going to the park and those
tapes you recorded for me of Frog and Toad's Adventures and Whinney
the Pooh. You had me loving Pooh before I even knew about the TV show!
I have always loved and respected you, though Goddess knows I didn't
call or write.
It's interesting, after a person dies we always say we're going to do
better, but 99% of us don't. I won't sit here and say I'll do better
in the sense that I'll write and call people more often then I do now,
what I will say is that I will tell them all the important things
daily (immediate family) and I will tell extended family when I see
On that note I need to thank L for listening to me praddle on a few
weeks ago when I visited you.
With all my love,
Niece Chelle

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Thoughts on a Blog

I've been following Lissa Rankin for years. She's a fantastic blogger,
author, doctor and so on and so forth!
Her blog today was about her writer's journey.
It got me thinking. . .
I to want to be published. Not badly, I'm not jumping at it anymore,
but my story is worth sharing and well. . . dammit! I deserve to be up
there with a bunch of best selling authors!
On the other hand. . . she was discussing keeping the faith, whatever
that looks like for each individual, in the idea that the Universe is
always there, always listening and working over time to support us
That's all well and good, it really is. . .
I just find myself wondering though, if there are certain things that
I will have, without question, then why the fuck am i taking the long
way around!!!?
Things I will have include:
A Baby, Olivia Marie.
A partner, name only semi-important. I'll take an Elias or something
like that. . . something hot and sexy!
I will be published, book title "The Messenger Unveiled".
So how did I end up at Naropa getting an education in childcare and psychology?
Where is Olivia Marie and Elias or. . . Sexy?
I did, when I was younger, wish to work with children. I still do,
work however, isn't exactly the right word. . .
If Sexy has a million dollar a year job, which he will, I will be able to
1. Have Olivia Marie.
2. Travel the world helping children and animals, without a degree.
And 3. Get my book published and do public speaking so that I will
have my own money.
Er. . . and 4. Have at least 3 adopted children and a house full of
rescue animals.
So I ask you again Universe, how did I end up at Naropa? How exactly,
does this fit into my plan?
With confusion, annoyance, and also love and an open heart,

Monday, May 20, 2013

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

This is the preliminary diagnosis I've been given. . .
Taken straight fromNIMH it says:
According to the DSM, Fourth Edition, Text Revision (DSM-IV-TR), to be
diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, a person must show an
enduring pattern of behavior that includes at least five of the
following symptoms:

Extreme reactions—including panic, depression, rage, or frantic
actions—to abandonment, whether real or perceived
A pattern of intense and stormy relationships with family, friends,
and loved ones, often veering from extreme closeness and love
(idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)
Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self, which can result
in sudden changes in feelings, opinions, values, or plans and goals
for the future (such as school or career choices)
Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees,
unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating
Recurring suicidal behaviors or threats or self-harming behavior, such
as cutting
Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a
few hours to a few days
Chronic feelings of emptiness and/or boredom
Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger
Having stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative
symptoms, such as feeling cut off from oneself, observing oneself from
outside the body, or losing touch with reality.

The ones that stand out, and that I have consistently:
1. Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self, which can
result in sudden changes in feelings, opinions, values, or plans and
goals for the future (such as school or career choices)
2. Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as (spending sprees),
unsafe sex, (substance abuse), reckless driving, and (binge eating).
The () indicate behaviors I've participated in over the years.
3. Recurring suicidal behaviors or threats or self-harming behavior,
such as cutting
4. Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from
a few hours to a few days
5. Chronic feelings of emptiness and/or boredom
6. Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger

Technically there's a 7 in there, I'm just not sure how to place it.
Extreme reactions—including panic, depression, rage, or frantic
actions—to abandonment, whether real or perceived.
I have a fear of abandonment, but I'm coming up empty on things I've
done to try to ward it off. It's just a constant fear I have.

When I was first given the diagnosis I just thought ok, not to bad. .
. now that I'm back in mi and looking for a counselor I'm reading up
on it and my feelings are definitely not just ok. anymore.
Of course, there's also my PTSD traits and my diagnosis of major,
recurrent episodes of depression.
They say it's common to have co-existing disorders.
I've always thought I carried this rage because of my life experiences.
I have been pretty caged here honestly.
Truth be told, the only reason why I haven't gotten into worse
trouble, unsafe sex, or taking illegal substances is just because I've
been watched (so to speak) closely. Not to closely, but I don't know
anyone who does drugs, so I don't do them. If I did, I would. . . and
I'm sure unsafe sex would come in right after that.
If somebody said they'd sleep with me right now, today, I'd take them up on it.
As for wreckless driving, ovbiously I've never done it, but I've
encouraged it on a number of occasions.
It's nice to have a name for this self destruction that lives in me
and weird at the same time.
Suppose there isn't much else to say at this point. As I said, it's
preliminary, but on the other hand, if I read through the entire DSM
IV handbook I'd probably find myself thinking I had almost every
mental problem in there. Lol.


"Creep" blasts,
Thinking of the past!
Throw back lunch,
So delicious!!!
It looks so inviting,
Safety, cocoon, protection. . .
I go there,
Lay wrapped in music,
Swaddled by hands of memories long since forgotten,
Except for when they aren't.
Tool, "Stinkfist" blares and I smile.
There is comfort here. . .
If nowhere else,
There is comfort here. . .

Saturday, May 18, 2013


Wildly raving!
Eternally angry!
Soft-spoken, quiet, calming. . .
Whispering, wise, wonderful. . .
Voice is promising, assuring. . .
Needing, pleading, begging, wanting. . .
Desire, fire, burning, purring, roaring!
liquid, silk, skin, dreads, body. . .
Bull in china shop!
Contradictory, rocker, raver, entertainer. . .
Destroyer, crusher, performer!
Father, son, unknown. . .
Ablaze, crazy!
Crowd pleaser. . .
Lover. . .
ELIAS, wowing crowds for over a decade now!


Hug me!
Tease me!
Hold me tight. . .
Kiss me gently. . .
Sing to me softly. . .
Make love to me. . .
Your voice echoes loud, harsh!
It ravages, rapes, rips open!
Shredded, busted, broken, bloodletting!
Raving, piercing, shocking, uncomprehending!
Decayed, destroyed, decimated, annihilated!
Vocals tear throat,
sobs, choking, dying,
Raw, bleeding!
Crushed, crucified!
Calming. . .
Soothed. . .
SHAUN MORGAN soothes savage souls.


Looking backward,
Wondering what for?
Thinking how I've grown,
I've gained!
I feel like it opened doors.
It also appears to have closed doors temporarily.
Are they closed?
Am I just imagining their closed?
Could they really still be wide open?
I live here, in the unknown.

The Walk

Fear, freakout!!
Unknown, unsafe, frightened!
Birds, fear, breeze, fear!
Music, fear, cars, fear, thoughts.
Birds, breeze, dogs, chickens.
Breeze, warmth, relaxation.
Calming, soothing.
I thank me for my bravery!
I went for a walk on the road without anyone with me today!

Dear Mark

Hey Bro,
What's up?
I have to warn you now, I have no idea where this is going. I feel
like writing a long ass letter, a poem, an I don't know what else.
I just heard The Offspring Gone Away and naturally thought of you.
There are some songs that are just your songs. Maybe you didn't tell
me they were your favorites, like Gone Away, but it just makes me
think of you. Then there's Champaign Supernova, which you all heard at
your army graduation, so that makes me think of you because you
actually talked about it.
Anyway, I'm home on break. I'm attending Naropa U now in Boulder Co. A
looooong way from anywhere I ever thought I'd be, but then again,
neither of us ended up where we thought we'd end up, right?
You may have grown up to hate your life, but as a wide-eyed little boy
I'm sure you never imagined yourself in a pile of ashes.
So I'm home on break and Fur's nearly ready to deliver her Baby Girl.
I know you'll be up there watching over us all. . . or, down here,
whatever, where ever heaven is.
I was big on Sylvia Brown for a while, looking for something to
believe in. Honestly, I like some of what she says, then again I liked
what Rev. McCummin's had to say and he doesn't preach at the Methodist
church anymore.
I dunno. I dunno much of anything these days. At Naropa they teach us
about Basic Goodness. They say we all have it. Serial killers have it?
I just don't see it. They also teach about meditation. I meditate like
Charlie Chaplin by the way. Never realized just how much I HEAR!,
until I tried to meditate! Lol. They teach about mystical religious
experiences, ultimate reality, when you're one with that whatever it
is that we all have and connect to. Then I'd go back to my apartment
and feel like cutting because I had no friends to hang out with unless
I wanted to study with them. I didn't. I study alone and work and play
with others. Lol. Nobody received my memo. They have taxis in Boulder
and VIA transit, and all kinds of ways to get around. You can walk
around Mark!! Fancy that! Walking! Whoever heard of such a thing in
montrose michigan?
It's been difficult coming back here. Not because of any fundamental
difference in connecting between the family and I, but because of the
loss of transportation. Wednesday was a painful day. I felt like
cutting, thought about hanging. Last night I drank and thought about
cutting again. I kept stroking my wrists, feeling the tendons and
thinking how easy it would be to cut, how I wouldn't feel a thing if I
just caressed my skin with the blade. It felt good, like thinking
about making love or something. Something inside me says this is so
fucked up, but the other thought almost always wins, even if I don't
act on it.
I feel like you, like that wide-eyed innocence is gone and I keep
looking and looking but it's nowhere to be found! It just got up and
left! I feel like Bill Cosby, which would be funny were it not
serious. He says I don't know where I lost it, I don't know when I
lost it, I don't know if I ever had it. That's how I feel.
I think about being with you. If I just cut, just little cuts, but
deep, I could be with you again.
I'm starting to forget, no, have been forgetting, what you smell like,
what you're laugh was like, what it felt like when you held me.
How does anybody forget that? You'd think of all the people in the
world I wouldn't forget! I know you're here, that's why I'm writing.
You haven't left me even though I've tried to bury the painfulness of
losing you.
I don't try to forget now. I just remember.
I've been told to wish on stars and all I have to do is want something
and let myself have it! Um, Halloweentown anyone? It sounds so
cliched. . . course, that means it's true. Dammit all! Since when did
it become EASIER to live in a lack thought mentality than a have
thought mentality? I suppose from the time I was little really. "Want
in one hand, shit in the other. See which one gets filled faster!" mom
always used to say that. I was a kid and I took it in. Talk about some
serious re-programming that has to take place.
It seemed to be true, with bankrupcy and all, maybe it was wrong
though? It's funny I find myself writing about this now though. . .
Bella and I were walking the other day and she saw an animal, think it
was a squirrel and she thought he had some nuts, but he actually took
a poop! I said right then, want nuts in one hand, shit in the other
and see which one gets filled faster! Lol. I love that she's still
young enough to think like that. Possibility thinking a friend from
Boulder calls it. Possibility thinking. . . My ultimate dream while
I'm here is not to play or think small. Honestly, it feels like a
pathetic dream. . . that's how things go down hill though. Once I
start putting labels on them they become pathetic, boring, stupid,
dumb, etc. If I leave them labelless they aren't pathetic or dumb or
boring. They just are.
Who knew if I didn't label something it could just be, just exist? Wooooow!!
I started thinking of you on Friday May 10 when I was flying home. I
don't know exactly where we were, but we were close to Detroit and I
started to wonder if you'd come in the same place I did, walked on the
tarmac where I walked years and years ago. I wonder if you ate on the
plane like I did. Did you eat snack boxes or just get the free stuff,
the pretzels and peanuts and cookies. Yuck!! I'm sure you brought
Chinese candy and sour snakes from home in San Antonio. I'm sure you
had lemon or lime, those little containers you just dip your finger in
and eat it straight like that. Smile. They always made me make faces,
but I loved them anyway! How about the sour pickles with salt? Or Big
Red!!!! Oh man, soooo good!!
You know, I said I didn't know where this was going a while back. I'm
listening to my rock and there's something I feel like being honest
with you about. . .
I can bearly listen to rap anymore. You kind of left it to me because
I'd listen to anything, but listening to it these days is hard for me.
It brings up memories of you and I and the fact that you aren't here
The day you left in 04, Father's Day no less, that hurt. . . but not
as much as the day they called to say you died. September 7 2009.
To think back, to see how that was such an ordinary day and I can see
the demarcation line perfectly. Before Mark died, after Mark died.
Nothing has been the same since then.
Listening to music, drinking (which I've started indulging in
occasionally), eating favorite foods even. Watching old shows we used
to watch together. Everything I do, and some things I try to avoid
doing, because they remind me of you, none of it's the same. Nothing
will ever be the same.
I don't live with all you're things around me, but I do live in what
feels like a warped sense of time. The time before. . . the time when
you did things with me and then the time after. I find myself looking
backwards, connecting dots and wondering why the fuck I didn't connect
them earlier!!! I miss you. . . more than anything in this world. I
would give up every favored show or candy or snack of any kind, in any
form, to have you back. I would give up concerts and just about
everything else to have you back in my life. In my life where I can
see you and touch you and hear your voice. Not this life where I have
to imagine and conjure you up.
And while I'm being honest, I do have one question for you. . . Why
didn't you tell me??? You know I would have done anything for you,
killed for you, died for you!!! So why, when you said I was the only
one who knew what pain was better than you, why didn't you trust me
enough to tell me that one thing?? I never would have turned you away
and I never would have called into question your manhood, because it
wasn't your fault!! You were innocent! You were just a baby! And I've
made this about me. . . I know you trust me, I know you always did. It
still begs the question though, why didn't you come to me? I would
have readily accepted it. I'm not your mother or your stepfather. I
would have accepted it, taken your rage. I would have held it for you.
Now there is nothing to hold and all I can say from here is I miss
you. I wish you would have told me. I loved and still love you
That's all for now, everything's all jumbled and chaotic in my head.
I love you and miss you.
Your Lil' Killah

Wednesday, May 1, 2013