Thursday, January 5, 2012

Well Of Pain

Dear KURT:
Who'da thunk it? I'm back!
I'll just jump right in!
It's amazing the wells of pain you can find yourself falling into and the things you find yourself doing to get out of them. The other night I was listening to "Unplugged. . ." and all I could think about was you. I think of you often, but I was thinking about why you died, what the purpose was, how could I possibly feel it so acutely 12 years on etc. It occured to me in that moment why people in general try so fucking hard to AVOID pain! We eat, screw, sleep, smoke, do drugs, drink, gamble, go for long walks, have long-ass superficial conversations, ANYTHING to blot out the pain! We all have it, all carry it with us and some of us, like me, feel it acutely in others. We smell it, recognize it and can taste it when others get close to us. Some people don't even have to get close, they just have to be on stage in front of us. Take SHAUN for instance. And while most of us will never admit we feel a thing others, like me feel too much, just as you wrote in your note. Your the Jesus Man. Sometimes I feel like the Jesus Woman. And sometimes I notice myself taking on other's pain to blot out my own. Like I can handle yours but not mine.
The topic of what I Desired from my Dad came up in coaching this evening. I'm so sick of asking him for anything I could scream! I could throw myself on the floor and kick and scream and bang my head and rip out my hair like a 2-year-old! What the fuck is it about talking to a man that he's smart enough to fix a car, but not smart enough to understand: "Oh, she asked me to spend more time with her, maybe I should." Or: "Oh, she said she was feeling stuck. Maybe I could try to think of a suggestion." Seriously? If I went to you with a fucking knife to my throat or gun to my head and said: "I need your help!" would you help me? What would you do? What would you say? But most importantly, what would you do? HOW would you help me? And I don't mean taking away the gun or knife, I mean what exactly would you do?
He would sit on my bed in high school for a little while after he painted a house where a kid blew his brains out and ask me to promise him I wouldn't hurt myself and he'd listen to me talk about my problems. Supposedly men fix things! Now, having written that, generally speaking, I DO NOT expect a man to 'step in' and fix something, especially if I can fix it myself. On the other hand, if I give speciffics about a problem then ask: "What would you do?" I expect a mother fucking answer! If I ask for help then I expect help! Of course, dealing with the government is the same. You ask them for help and they tell you to fuck off!
I Desire to be a fabulous member of society. A member who is well known for contributing her money, her time and her love and compassion. In order to do that I need money for my own place in the city, money for transportation and then I can begin working on the rest. If I'm in the city it automatically ups my chances of being able to find an animal shelter and a daycare center to volunteer at. If I prove to be a most valuable adition then that ups my chances of being hired or at least suggested/recommended to management and then they can request that I attain a higher level of education if they see fit. What's so fucking hard about understanding that? There's life and then there's quality of life! At this rate, with this 'quality' of life, I really am better off 6 feet under!
But if I approach a man or a woman and say all that, what's so hard to understand about it? And what's so hard about releasing your money to a worthy cause like that? I Desire to help children all over the world and it feels like people would rather see me dead then helping people and they don't even fucking know me! WTF???
And back to my Dad because that's where we started, why the fuck ask him for help when he 'can't' help me? What's the point!!!??? I might as well go ask a brick wall for help or a tree or a bear! At least the bear would put me out of my misery! So the bear would help!!
Now. . . I have reached 'a solution.' Whether or not it's 'the one' only time will tell, but I have reached one. But I'm so pissed this evening I could win the lottery and still say fuck off! to everybody.
And of course, I'm hurt. I spent probably a half an hour crying about my Dad. I love him and I know he loves me. It goes back to love not being enough though. What do I Desire from him at this moment in time??? I Desire for him to let me keep my fucking $325 a month. Beyond that. . . the same thing I Desired as a girl and WON'T get. TIME! HIS PRECIOUS, INVALUABLE FUCKING TIME!!! Time he 'doesn't have'!!!! So why ask the Universe for something I WON'T get??? Isn't the definition of insanity doing *or in this case* asking for the same thing over and over again and expecting things to change and then they don't change???? Or am I insane for thinking that's the definition of insanity?
So here I am in another well of pain. I suppose I can be Greatful it's mine tonight and not yours or SHAUN'S, or H's or whoever's, but truth be told, I'm not fucking Greatful! I'm fuckin in pain and I'm fucking pissed and having that discussion just makes me Desire mightily to pull the plug on this New Year project and blow my fucking head off this year instead of next!! But I have a goal to reach the 27 mark so I guess I need to get my head back in the game and keep my eye on the figurative ball.
Peace, Love, Empathy. . .
Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learn anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive
is too small for you.
~ David Whyte ~ (House of Belonging)
Sadie Marie Medina!
Original birthdate unnone.
First birthday with us: 2/15/2009
Welcome home baby!

Monday, January 2, 2012

New Year's Day Desire!

I've been playing with the idea of writing out my new year since before November hit, but I didn't get around to it.
You know, waiting for the 'right time', thinking about HOW I was going to write it, something that really needs no consideration since it's MY diary and noone else's! Finally, I rarely keep up with this blog as it is, so there's no guarantee of anything!!
On that note though, I think I have something worked out for me to write out my New Year.
Sunday January 1st 2012
Today I'm recovering from a pretty kick-ass New Year's Eve spent with my BFF Holly!
We spent Saturday night listening to a throw back playlist she helped me create!
Tunes were varied but included:
2. NIN, "CLOSER"!!
4. RATM, "Killing In The Name Of"!
6. P.O.D, "Youth Of The Nation!
7. Smashing Pumpkins, "Bullet With Butterfly Wings, Ever Lasting Gaze and Ava Adore"!
8. Korn, "Freak On A Leash, Adidas, Make Me Bad, and Alone I Break"!
9. Marcy Playground, "Sex And Candy"!
10. The Vervepipe, "Freshmen"!
11. Linkin Park, "Crawling, In The End, Breaking The Habit!
12. Susanne Vega, "Tom's Diner"!
13. Eminem, "My Name Is"!!
14. The Spice Girls, "Say You'll Be There, Love Thang,"!!
15. Duncan Sheik, "I Am Bearly Breathing"!!
16. The Afghan Wigs, "Gentleman"!
17. Foo Fighters, "Everlong, It's You I Fell Into"!!
18. Our Lady Peace, "One Man Army, Superman"!!
19. "Fuel, "A Million Miles, Sunburn"!!
20. Live, "I Alone, Freaks"!!
21. Tupac, "I Get Around, California Love"!!
22. Biggie, "Hypnotize, Mo Money Mo Problems"
23. Snoop Dog, "Gin and Juice,"!!
24. Warren G, "Regulator"!!
25. Tool, 46 and 2, Anema, Sober and Parabol/Parabola"!!
26. APC, "Judith, Orestes, Weak and Powerless"!!
27. SOAD, "Spiders, Sugar"!
28. Disturbed, "Down With The Sickness, Shout 2000"!!
29. STP, "Interstate Love Song, Big Empty"!!
And of course, I could go on forever, so we'll just leave it at various and sundry other throwbacks to the 90's/early 2000's!!
Point is we sat around talking, making plans for the New Year and just enjoying the 'back in the day' feeling of it all!!
I must confess to feeling stunningly optomistic and I don't think it gets any better then this!!
I love being around her because she helps me get the wheels turning in my head when I seem to struggle. She helps me clean out the bullshit and get down to the nitty gritty. She doesn't necessarily focus on the 'how', she encourages me to dream and she throws out suggestions when she thinks I need them. Sometimes we disagree, I think I need them and she doesn't, but that's neither here nor there!!! Lol.
I explained to her a few weeks ago that 2012 was my year! This was it, I was finally sure it was, so I was going to throw my back into it and if by January 14th 2013 I hadn't made any progress towards my goals, huge and wide ranging as they are I was going to kill myself.
To most this may seem counter-productive, but for me it has laid the foundation for something new to occur. Reason being that I don't feel trapped anymore, don't feel like this is going to be never ending. It has an ending and because I see that it won't go on forever I feel like it leaves me open to growth, movement and change.
So we talked about said growth, movement and change last night.
I say recovering because we were up rather late and covered what I felt like was ALOT of ground. It's amazing how talking with someone helps you straighten out all the wild thoughts running around in your head!
I admit it, I ordered Hungry Howie's pepperoni sub for dinner, the one Dad swears is a heartattack waiting to happen! Lol. But other than that I was fabulous!!
We played cards and marbles, even broke out a few games we hardly ever play and when midnight came we blew whistles and set off a few fireworks!! It was totally awesome! It felt like a throwback to MTV days when MTV actually stood for something!!!
It is my Desire to stand for something. . . Funny how talking about MTV brought that thought to the forefront for me.
My intention was to post this closer to the day it was written, December 20th. It's here now though and that's all that matters!!
I will tell you all, I stayed at home and watched History 2's Armageddon Week instead. I set off lots of fireworks at 12 after calling to wish Friendis a Happy New Year and that was that.
If you appreciate my story and feel moved to do so, I am requesting donations of money to make plans like this and future plans of this nature come true for myself!!!
Thank you and happy reading!