Monday, October 31, 2011

The Ache

I sit here watching you and think "So close and yet so far." I imagine that if I just touched the TV, just put my hand there against it I would feel you. I can't say what makes me think this, it's just a feeling. I cried during "SMELLS LIKE TEEN SPIRIT" and "POLLY". I typically cry when they talk about your death. It's all so cold and impersonal. . . KURT COBAIN shot and killed himself. KURT COBAIN commited suicide." It's cut and dry. These are the facts but I cry. So tonight there was none of that, just a show, the one from Paramount 10/31/91. . . 20 years later on the exact same date. And yet, I have this feeling that you being gone know something that I don't yet know. You possess some knowledge of life and death that I don't. The cat was chasing something or nothing, but I wondered if it was you. Wondered if you were here as I cried and if she was chasing you, if that was why I was convinced I could touch the screen on the TV and feel you there. Maybe I cried because it's Halloween and at it's basic level, it is a night to celebrate the dead, even if that actualy happens a day or two later. Maybe it's because I've been watching so many near death experience shows "I Survived: Beyond. . ." Or maybe it's that space time continuum show I watched on the History II channel. Maybe it's a combination of these or none of these. All I know is that I've found myself in this place again, the place where I go often, where I contemplate life and death and time and space, though I'm back in the chair writing this looking directly across at the TV and still expecting it. You're voice is squeaking as you scream "GOTTA FIND A WAY, A BETTER WAY, BEEEEETTEEEEEER WAAAAAAY!!" It's the end of "TERRITORIAL PISSINGS" and I smile at the squeak you've done. I adore it, think it's 'cute' and 'adorable' and the way the song is jumping, the instruments, it's like their three people of their own, jumping up and down of their own acord as you scream. This thought really does make me smile. And now we're into the thick of "ENDLESS NAMELESS" The word "DISTRUCTION" is really what pops into my head here. It may be "ENDLESS" and "NAMELESS", but DISTRUCTION is what comes to mind anyway.
I wonder if when I was born in 86 if my parents had any idea, even a tiny inkling that 25 years later I'd be sitting here glued to the screen contemplating this performance and you as though under a microscope, a dissection project I'm getting graded on and have to get right. They probably didn't but that's no matter. I think the real contemplation tonight is this: What if you did give me my answer? I still feel you here, am positive the cat was chasing you, you were playing with her and though she's quieted, I can still feel you as "ENDLESS NAMELESS" comes to a close, the final strains of it being pounded out in slow motion. It's really over now and the audience roars.
Thank you for being with me tonight, for contemplating with me though I have no idea what the answer is. Besides, like I said, what if you did just give me my answer?

Saturday, October 15, 2011


She stood over the third body this week. Three bodies, 7 days. . . this wasn't good.
And it was only going to get worse.
Her radio crackled to life. It was the Captain.
"We got a fourth vic Mel. Corner of Serano and Pedro."
She sighed.
"K Cap. . . Be there when I'm finished here."
She looked down again. Why a little girl? What could a little girl possibly do that would warrant being abused like this? She remembered reading a book on a rap star. The author noted that men were believed to be much more violent than women. Apparently not true.
Mel headed back to the car. She wondered where the hell her partner was! He was supposed to be her partner anyway. . . bastard had missed again! She slammed the car door. She'd fill him in later.
The fourth vic was another adult. Back to adults??? Why pick a child at all then!!
Now it was 4 bodies in one week, two in one day! If she had thought it wasn't good before, it really wasn't good now.
Mira smiled to herself. She had cooked up the best plan yet and couldn't wait for her twin Mel to find out. She clapped her hands together and shouted "Yaaaaay!!!" to her silent apartment. Mel was a seasoned homicide detective. Mira was a seasoned. . . well, Mel would find out soon what she was.
She hopped in her truck prepared to drop off 8 more vics. The only downside. . . she should have dumped them sooner. They were decaying and it didn't exactly smell like roses! She's have to wash the truck bed down after she left them. Even better than that though, was where she would leave them. . . Mel's doorstep and better still??? The DNA Mel's cop buddies would find. . . would be Mel's!!!! She smiled to herself again. Oh she couldn't wait for this little discovery!!

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Gorgeous Day Turns To Swamp-Rot!

I'm posting this, HERE, ON MY BLOG, BECAUSE I CAN!! Swearing and mentions of cutting and pill taking! If you don't Desire to read it, get the hell off my page!
As you may have gathered, I posted this on some forums and they had problems with it, which is why it's getting posted here.
To those who do read it, thank you. I feel honored and privileged to be witnessed by you!!
So. . . I wrote this a few weeks ago before VPBC started, but then
found out we had no swamp forums. . . However, it's a few weeks later,
I've seen the swamp mentioned despite us newbies not knowing 'exactly'
what it is, and for me I've also read about it on the boards, but Mama
doesn't go in depth till you take Mastery.
Point is, I had this swell Brag!!!!! Then I hopped in the shower this
evening and my brain said: "Fuck this shit! I'm fuckin' pissed!!! I
usually don't mind thinking in the shower as I usually think good
thoughts and when I lay down to Self Pleasure I start focussing on
that and everything else can take a backseat most of the time. Today
was a pretty good day to, so I'm not sure where the shit even came
from. Of course. . . Pussy got pissed and said: "Fuck this!!! Your
pissed and I'm in no mood for sex!" I carried on anyway and did
eventually orgasm, but unlike those women who have sex when their
pissed, it didn't work for me. I got out of the shower and was still
pissed. About anything and everything! I've been saying "I'm
beautiful." and "My Body is beautiful." for weeks now when I get in
the shower. I've tried variations to, but I was washing my hair
tonight, said it once and thought: "Bullshit!! What the fuck is
this??? I don't even believe in this bullshit and I've been saying it
for like 3-4 months now!!" Of course, I haven't been able to come up
with anything else to say, so I've just stuck with it. Even my "I have
the most gorgeous Pussy in the world! I give her the greatest of
Pleasure and she gives me whatever I Desire!" isn't working. It does
work better then the other two, I do at least feel it sometimes when I
say it, but the other two are awash completely.
Anyway, point is, I have no idea what's going on, I'm totally enraged
and feel like putting my fist through a wall or something! So here is
what I originally wrote and my swamps.
Originally written 9/9/11: No wonder I was swamping, my brother died
9/7/09 of an overdose!
I love, I really, really, really do and I looooove Bragging,
giving Gratitudes and Desiring!!!
However, may I just say, I've been waiting since Febuary when I joined
the global forums to SWAMP!!!! I wasn't swamping in private, just like
I haven't been spring cleaning with 'myself'.
So thrilled the VPBC forums are open for business!!!!!
I swamp old songs that are absolutely fabulous but that remind me of a
time I desperately miss!!! And/or people who are no longer with us!
Selena's "I Could Fall In Love With You" is what brought this
particular swamp out. I'm sitting here weeping and thinking of my
brother and Selena, who had an amazing career just waiting for her!!
She was amazing and her career could have been so much more then what
it turned out to be!
I swamp old thought patterns wherein the new SG part of me shouts to
the rooftops: "I Desire a fabulous Birthday!!!!!!!!!" only to have
Kosmic Killer Kim *AKA my mother* drop into my head and say: "You've
rarely had a fabulous Birthday! What the fuck makes you think your
going to get one now!!??? Or in fact, what the fuck makes you think
you deserve one???"
I swamp not crying exactly when I Desire to because I fear losing
control and drawing attention from my family!
I swamp that when they were gone over Labor Day weekend I was feeling
great because I was alone and now this damned swamp comes up!
I swamp not calling forth these swampy emotions when they were gone so
I could scream, yell, throw myself on the floor and have an all out
temper tantrum!!!
I swamp procrastination!
These emotions have been in me forever but I've continually fought the
urge to write them down!
I swamp the cost of the Raleigh in Miami which freaked me the fuck out
when I discovered how bloody expensive it was!
I swamp allowing Dad's money issues to get into my head as well, which
is what got me freaking out about Miami and thinking that even if I
had the money for the room I wouldn't have money for ANYTHING else,
eating, shopping and most importantly, getting myself to and from the
hotel to the airport/airport to hotel!
I swamp not cursing as much as I Desire to!
This swamp would look like an Eminem song if I allowed it to but I haven't!
I swamp not having an SC partner!
I swamp anger, guilt, pain, regret, self-loathing/self-hate, lack of
transportation, being a virgin, fucking flies that KNOW I hate them
and buzz around my head with impunity also KNOWING I can't see them
and therefore can't KILL them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I swamp rageaholic tendencies that I don't unleash, my inability to
break, crush, smash, demolish and otherwise destroy everything in my
path, rippin' it all up by it's fucking roots and setting it all on
I swamp surgeries and the feelings of ugliness, worthlessness and
brokenness they leave behind!
I swamp uncaring, unfeeling, fucked up, apathetic humanbeings who
won't pull their heads out of their asses long enough to turn around
and look at me and say: "I see you. . ."!
Three little words that they won't fucking say!
I swamp the feelings of rage, homicidal and suicidal tendencies that
have off and on plagued me since I was a tiny girl!
I swamp motherfucking cocksucking mental illness in all it's forms
that has ripped me up inside and laid waste to my mother and brother
and nearly took me out as well!
I swamp not being treated like the Sister Goddess I am, all the time, 24/7!!!
I swamp that the next thing that pops into my head after I write that
is: "Get the fuck up and start fucking serving me noooooooow! Right
fucking noooow!!!"
I swamp not being cared for in a proper manner after surgery, learning
from a young age to bury my feelings of agony and anguish deep down
inside where noone would see them!!!
I swamp not having friends since I was a little girl!
Anyone can acrue the false, fake ones who pretend they'll be there for
you, and I did to, but not having a handful of great friends who live
nearby and share my interests??? It pisses me off!!!
I swamp thinking that others are 'better' and 'deserve better' because
they 'are' better then I am and that's why they have friends close by,
family who actually bends over backwards for them the way they bend
over backwards for said family, and the reason I don't is because I'm
a worthless piece of shit whose only job in life is to kneel down and
lick the shit off someone else's boots while they kick and punch me
with their words!
I swamp the world in all it's hatred and evil and murder and bloodlust
and thereby find that I am even swamping myself, for I am rage and I
am hate and I am murder and I am bloodthirsty and power/money hungry
and a ravenous bloodsucking bitch!!!!
Add ons for this EARLY morning 10/4:
I swamp that I don't fucking care that I'm a bloodthirsty power/money
hungry ravenous bloodsucking bitch!!!! In fact, I want more and I want
it now!! From my bloated putrid self to your ears and back again!
I swamp shitty birthdays and a shitty mother, shitty false friends
from school and asshole adults who thought bullying me was just a case
of kids will be kids!!
I swamp no sense of safety and security, no sense of self worth and
self confidence, and noone realizing the hell I was suffering in as a
I swamp people knowing my hell now but still appearing not to care, or
not to care 'ENOUGH' to help me/give me advice on how to fix it!
I swamp repeatedly reaching out, asking for help and advice,
confessing that I don't have all the answers and getting nothing in
return but empty meaningless words.
I swamp receiving words where I desire actions!!
I swamp the feeling of guilt that rises as I commit my true feelings
to this blog and wait for it to be taken down, or for someone to tell
me 'how good' I have it!!
I swamp that it was more alright to show rage in my family then it was
to show agony and yet here I am with all this rage, so it appears I
haven't yet raged enough even though I did rage!!!
I swamp feeling like I've turned my world upside down and being 4
weeks into VPBC and feeling all these shifts and changes, but not
understanding where I'm going or even who the fuck this bitch is
writing this blog tonight!
I swamp being the happy girl when the truth is, waaaaaaaaaaay deep
down inside, I still feel like cutting or taking a few pills 'for
I swamp that for me, true Pleasure, Ultimate Pleasure, still lies in a
very few things: being at a rock show, holding a Baby Human/Animal,
and yes, I'm saying it, taking a few pills. I resist the urge when I
have pills around me and when I don't have them there's nothing to
resist because they aren't there, but I still equate them with. . .
not even fun, just 'feeling better' then I do. Cutting isn't even so
much 'fun' as it is relief. It doesn't even hurt and because it
doesn't hurt, as my brother once said, watching and in my case,
feeling the blood run down my arm takes the pressure off. It takes
away all this emotion I don't know how to release. Hm. . . the thought
occurs to me, perhaps I'm not SC'ing enough? There that word goes
again, 'enough'.
I swamp 'enough' and what it implies, to me the same thing as 'lack'
or the idea that I'm 'not doing something right'! I HATE that feeling!
I swamp telling you all this and then Desiring mightily to retract it
so you won't 'worry' about me!
I swamp inconveniencing you all!
I swamp still not having a roommate for Miami and thinking I won't get
one, let alone two or three because one I don't deserve it and two if
there was a roommate out there for me after she reads this blog I can
kiss her goodbye!
I swamp my brother's death, KURT's death, Snowball and Grace's and
Duke Senior's deaths!
I swamp the feelings that come with them, that in all but one case
*KURT'S* I didn't do enough, didn't try hard enough, didn't do my
absolute best for them!
Snowball had a vet apt for December 3rd and died the day before
Thanksgiving 2009. Grace died 1/23/09 at 4:45PM.
I swamp that I sat on her paws that morning when I went to check the
answering machine and she didn't growl at me like she usually did and
I apologized and moved on with my day.
I swamp that I didn't give her a bath like I had planned to before she died.
I swamp that I spanked her really hard for biting Izabella and even
made her cry and she was abused so I shouldn't have spanked her,
I swamp that I feel like I 'should have known' that she was going to
die that day, simply based on the small things like her not growling
at me or not moving around as much and therefore should have
apologized again for punishing her though that was probably a year
before she died and I should have apologized for not giving her a bath
and for sitting on her paws!
I swamp the weird things that get stuck in your head when someone dies
like that, the things I find myself fixating on even years later, like
sitting on her paws!
I can't even say this stuff out loud without bursting into tears and I
swamp myself for being so weak!!
I swamp not getting her to the vet fast enough!
We called them and they gave us the number to the emergency vet, but
noone was on call until 5.
I swamp Rebecca grabbing me and holding onto me and crying that Grace
wasn't dead, she just wasn't breathing and asking me to agree with
her, to tell her she was right and Grace just wasn't breathing!!!
I swamp that in that moment I hated her for it and wanted to hit her!
I swamp wanting to kick Becca who was lying on the floor bawling like
it was her Baby that had died and it wasn't, it was mine!
I swamp that I wasn't the one on the floor!!
I swamp my inability to hide with Grace in my room, to just run into
my room, slam and lock the door and just lay with her body forever and
I swamp all the times I didn't go visit Mark *my brother* at his house!
I swamp all the times I didn't hug him tighter, longer, all the times
I didn't say I love you, all the times he wouldn't let me be there for
I swamp the last time I ever saw him, I hugged him and told him he had
to get and stay clean, to take care of himself and he said: "I will. .
." and he left and the next thing I heard he was dead!
I swamp not knowing!!! If I had known, I'd have stood in our driveway
holding him and NEVER letting go, EVER, for anything!!! I would have
died with him!
I swamp letting Duke Senior off the hook so I could hook Sadie up for
her potty break, which allowed him to run to the junkyard and that
when he was making his run back to our house, that was when he got
I swamp not finding the bastards who purposely struck him and killing
them like they killed him!
I swamp my sister sitting out in the frigid November air, holding his
body for hours and just one week and three days later having to say
goodbye to Snow, again because of my horrible oversight!
I swamp how incompetent this all makes me feel and how much it all hurts!
I swamp that my family treats death the way others treat sex, that it
is NOT to be talked about, ever, under any circumstance!
I swamp that that attitude has allowed this to build up and blow out
tonight of all nights!!!
I swamp being so fucking attached to people and animals, that it hurts
sooooo badly when they die that it kills off pieces of me in tiny bits
and humongous chunks!
I swamp that I really am hopeless, because even hearing people talk
about KURT'S death kills me!
I swamp being totally swamped out and wishing to just crawl into bed,
hide under the covers and cry until I can't breathe and the snot
covers my entire face and the sobs drown out everything else in me
from my heartbeat to my thoughts!