Thoughts on a Blog

I've been following Lissa Rankin for years. She's a fantastic blogger,
author, doctor and so on and so forth!
Her blog today was about her writer's journey.
It got me thinking. . .
I to want to be published. Not badly, I'm not jumping at it anymore,
but my story is worth sharing and well. . . dammit! I deserve to be up
there with a bunch of best selling authors!
On the other hand. . . she was discussing keeping the faith, whatever
that looks like for each individual, in the idea that the Universe is
always there, always listening and working over time to support us
all.
That's all well and good, it really is. . .
I just find myself wondering though, if there are certain things that
I will have, without question, then why the fuck am i taking the long
way around!!!?
Things I will have include:
A Baby, Olivia Marie.
A partner, name only semi-important. I'll take an Elias or something
like that. . . something hot and sexy!
I will be published, book title "The Messenger Unveiled".
So how did I end up at Naropa getting an education in childcare and psychology?
Where is Olivia Marie and Elias or. . . Sexy?
I did, when I was younger, wish to work with children. I still do,
work however, isn't exactly the right word. . .
If Sexy has a million dollar a year job, which he will, I will be able to
1. Have Olivia Marie.
2. Travel the world helping children and animals, without a degree.
And 3. Get my book published and do public speaking so that I will
have my own money.
Er. . . and 4. Have at least 3 adopted children and a house full of
rescue animals.
So I ask you again Universe, how did I end up at Naropa? How exactly,
does this fit into my plan?
With confusion, annoyance, and also love and an open heart,
Chelle

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

This is the preliminary diagnosis I've been given. . .
Taken straight fromNIMH it says:
According to the DSM, Fourth Edition, Text Revision (DSM-IV-TR), to be
diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, a person must show an
enduring pattern of behavior that includes at least five of the
following symptoms:

Extreme reactions—including panic, depression, rage, or frantic
actions—to abandonment, whether real or perceived
A pattern of intense and stormy relationships with family, friends,
and loved ones, often veering from extreme closeness and love
(idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)
Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self, which can result
in sudden changes in feelings, opinions, values, or plans and goals
for the future (such as school or career choices)
Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees,
unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating
Recurring suicidal behaviors or threats or self-harming behavior, such
as cutting
Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a
few hours to a few days
Chronic feelings of emptiness and/or boredom
Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger
Having stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative
symptoms, such as feeling cut off from oneself, observing oneself from
outside the body, or losing touch with reality.

The ones that stand out, and that I have consistently:
1. Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self, which can
result in sudden changes in feelings, opinions, values, or plans and
goals for the future (such as school or career choices)
2. Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as (spending sprees),
unsafe sex, (substance abuse), reckless driving, and (binge eating).
The () indicate behaviors I've participated in over the years.
3. Recurring suicidal behaviors or threats or self-harming behavior,
such as cutting
4. Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from
a few hours to a few days
5. Chronic feelings of emptiness and/or boredom
6. Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger

Technically there's a 7 in there, I'm just not sure how to place it.
Extreme reactions—including panic, depression, rage, or frantic
actions—to abandonment, whether real or perceived.
I have a fear of abandonment, but I'm coming up empty on things I've
done to try to ward it off. It's just a constant fear I have.

When I was first given the diagnosis I just thought ok, not to bad. .
. now that I'm back in mi and looking for a counselor I'm reading up
on it and my feelings are definitely not just ok. anymore.
Of course, there's also my PTSD traits and my diagnosis of major,
recurrent episodes of depression.
They say it's common to have co-existing disorders.
I've always thought I carried this rage because of my life experiences.
I have been pretty caged here honestly.
Truth be told, the only reason why I haven't gotten into worse
trouble, unsafe sex, or taking illegal substances is just because I've
been watched (so to speak) closely. Not to closely, but I don't know
anyone who does drugs, so I don't do them. If I did, I would. . . and
I'm sure unsafe sex would come in right after that.
If somebody said they'd sleep with me right now, today, I'd take them up on it.
As for wreckless driving, ovbiously I've never done it, but I've
encouraged it on a number of occasions.
It's nice to have a name for this self destruction that lives in me
and weird at the same time.
Suppose there isn't much else to say at this point. As I said, it's
preliminary, but on the other hand, if I read through the entire DSM
IV handbook I'd probably find myself thinking I had almost every
mental problem in there. Lol.

Past

"Creep" blasts,
Thinking of the past!
Throw back lunch,
So delicious!!!
It looks so inviting,
Safety, cocoon, protection. . .
I go there,
Lay wrapped in music,
Swaddled by hands of memories long since forgotten,
Except for when they aren't.
Tool, "Stinkfist" blares and I smile.
There is comfort here. . .
If nowhere else,
There is comfort here. . .

ELIAS SORIANO, NONPOINT!

Screaming!
Ranting!
Wildly raving!
Eternally angry!
Soft-spoken, quiet, calming. . .
Whispering, wise, wonderful. . .
Voice is promising, assuring. . .
Needing, pleading, begging, wanting. . .
Desire, fire, burning, purring, roaring!
liquid, silk, skin, dreads, body. . .
Bull in china shop!
Contradictory, rocker, raver, entertainer. . .
Destroyer, crusher, performer!
Father, son, unknown. . .
Ablaze, crazy!
Crowd pleaser. . .
Leaver!
Lover. . .
ELIAS, wowing crowds for over a decade now!

SHAUN MORGAN SEETHER!

Explosion!!!!
Implosion!!
Hug me!
Tease me!
Hold me tight. . .
Kiss me gently. . .
Sing to me softly. . .
Make love to me. . .
Your voice echoes loud, harsh!
It ravages, rapes, rips open!
Shredded, busted, broken, bloodletting!
Raving, piercing, shocking, uncomprehending!
Decayed, destroyed, decimated, annihilated!
Vocals tear throat,
sobs, choking, dying,
Raw, bleeding!
Crushed, crucified!
Calming. . .
Soothed. . .
SHAUN MORGAN soothes savage souls.

Naropa

Looking backward,
Wondering what for?
Thinking how I've grown,
I've gained!
I feel like it opened doors.
It also appears to have closed doors temporarily.
Are they closed?
Am I just imagining their closed?
Could they really still be wide open?
I live here, in the unknown.

The Walk

Road,
Fear, freakout!!
Unknown, unsafe, frightened!
Birds, fear, breeze, fear!
Music, fear, cars, fear, thoughts.
Birds, breeze, dogs, chickens.
Breeze, warmth, relaxation.
Calming, soothing.
Road.
I thank me for my bravery!
I went for a walk on the road without anyone with me today!