I had this brilliant idea, and really, I didn't have it, rather it was suggested to me repeatedly by one and another specialists in their various fields of expertise that I write out how I Desire my future to be. With 2012 being the last year I plan to endure life in the family house I grew up in, or rather, did the last part of my growing up in, I thought at the time that it sounded like a great idea! Of course, now it's December 29th and I've gotten exactly one day written up, January 1st. Beyond that, I have no idea how I Desire my year to go and writing out a DAY BY DAY 'list' of how I Desire it to go sounds completely boring and I've run out of time to 'get it done' before January 1st arrives anyway.
I confess to not completely abandoning the idea, however I'm also working towards recovery from a cold and having been under the weather my creativity isn't exactly flourishing. It's more like: "Hire someone to write it up for me and I'll sleep for another 6 weeks or so!"
Hm. . . Not exactly functioning, right? My thoughts exactly.
So I propose instead that I 1. Take my time and 2. write something totally outlandish!
I further propose that I'll only include details when I feel like it and skip them when I don't! You don't need to know how I ended up in bed with a frontman for a kick-ass rock band, all you need to know is who put what where when and how fantastic it felt!
That definitely frees up my schedule a bit now doesn't it! *enter the voice of sarcasm here*
Love,
Chelle
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Apocalypse 2012????
This week is Armageddon week on History II *cable channel 203 on my local Charter Channel lineup*.
I've been watching the Nostradamus Prophecies, and tonight their showing the 7 Signs of Apocalypse.
I watch all this not because I believe it, but because I can handle it and it doesn't scare the shit out of me.
Everything that has been discussed tonight has happened before. The threat of another ice age *everyone learns about the ice age in school*, asteroids hitting earth, meteors or commets or any other such catastrophe from the sky has happened before, along with ocean tides rising and volcanoes erupting. Wars, famines, plagues?? All already happened/happening. So the only difference here would be the 'bigness' if you will of the catastrophe. So volcanic eruptions covered 30% of the earth last time? This time they'll cover 80%.
Now that's just me creating numbers, but my point is this. I've also read alot of Sylvia Brown books. According to Sylvia the Mayans ran out of ink, which is why the calendar stops at December 21st 2012.
So what if she's right? What if Nostradamus is also right and while some of his prophecies have come to pass, what if other prophecies were warnings? I don't think it's to far fetched for me to ask this question, after all even the Bible talks of human beings having this thing we refer to as FREE WILL!!!! So what if Nostradamus and the people who wrote Revelations and Sylvia Brown and Edgar Casey are really saying this: "The year 2012 is a year of raising global consciousness. It's a year of change and we have a golden opportunity here. *Not to get all cliched on you but nonetheless. . .* We have a chance to change how we treat ourselves and each other. Now, it is up to you to read what we've written and watch the programs people have created and decide for yourselves which way you Desire the world to go. The world can either end in agony or end in Peace. How do you want it?"
I'm definitely not belittling the things that have happened to us all, there have been a great number of tragedies in the world. I do criticize my fellow human beings for burying their heads in the sand though and thinking that global warming is a crock and that we can go on raping the earth and Mother Nature and God aren't going to stop us eventually.
I don't dispute that the world will end one day either. What is it we're told from a very young age? All good things must come to an end. Ok, so they'll end and they do. But I believe that HOW they end is something we can impact and put our stamp on.
Generally speaking, I confess to not being the most optomistic person. I'm not the most pesimistic either. . . But it occurs to me that all these things appear to be meant to put the fear into us, unless we start trying to view them in a different light. I don't know about you, but I'd rather decide that I have a choice and I can affect change than decide we're doomed and lock myself in a basement somewhere staying high as a kite and waiting for the end.
Finally, if I'm wrong and the world does end 12/21/2012, there's still nothing to be afraid of. We'll move on. Now whether you believe in God, Allah, the afterlife or that we all turn into ash is no concern of mine.
Point is, we'll move on and you won't have time to be crying about your death because guess what!!! YOU'LL BE DEAD!!!
Just my two cents for what their worth.
Love,
Chelle
I've been watching the Nostradamus Prophecies, and tonight their showing the 7 Signs of Apocalypse.
I watch all this not because I believe it, but because I can handle it and it doesn't scare the shit out of me.
Everything that has been discussed tonight has happened before. The threat of another ice age *everyone learns about the ice age in school*, asteroids hitting earth, meteors or commets or any other such catastrophe from the sky has happened before, along with ocean tides rising and volcanoes erupting. Wars, famines, plagues?? All already happened/happening. So the only difference here would be the 'bigness' if you will of the catastrophe. So volcanic eruptions covered 30% of the earth last time? This time they'll cover 80%.
Now that's just me creating numbers, but my point is this. I've also read alot of Sylvia Brown books. According to Sylvia the Mayans ran out of ink, which is why the calendar stops at December 21st 2012.
So what if she's right? What if Nostradamus is also right and while some of his prophecies have come to pass, what if other prophecies were warnings? I don't think it's to far fetched for me to ask this question, after all even the Bible talks of human beings having this thing we refer to as FREE WILL!!!! So what if Nostradamus and the people who wrote Revelations and Sylvia Brown and Edgar Casey are really saying this: "The year 2012 is a year of raising global consciousness. It's a year of change and we have a golden opportunity here. *Not to get all cliched on you but nonetheless. . .* We have a chance to change how we treat ourselves and each other. Now, it is up to you to read what we've written and watch the programs people have created and decide for yourselves which way you Desire the world to go. The world can either end in agony or end in Peace. How do you want it?"
I'm definitely not belittling the things that have happened to us all, there have been a great number of tragedies in the world. I do criticize my fellow human beings for burying their heads in the sand though and thinking that global warming is a crock and that we can go on raping the earth and Mother Nature and God aren't going to stop us eventually.
I don't dispute that the world will end one day either. What is it we're told from a very young age? All good things must come to an end. Ok, so they'll end and they do. But I believe that HOW they end is something we can impact and put our stamp on.
Generally speaking, I confess to not being the most optomistic person. I'm not the most pesimistic either. . . But it occurs to me that all these things appear to be meant to put the fear into us, unless we start trying to view them in a different light. I don't know about you, but I'd rather decide that I have a choice and I can affect change than decide we're doomed and lock myself in a basement somewhere staying high as a kite and waiting for the end.
Finally, if I'm wrong and the world does end 12/21/2012, there's still nothing to be afraid of. We'll move on. Now whether you believe in God, Allah, the afterlife or that we all turn into ash is no concern of mine.
Point is, we'll move on and you won't have time to be crying about your death because guess what!!! YOU'LL BE DEAD!!!
Just my two cents for what their worth.
Love,
Chelle
Monday, December 26, 2011
More Contemplations of the Midnight Variety
Dear KURT:
Tis me again!! I know, your surprised, right? Lol.
It was a pretty calm Christmas all things considered. I think I actually don't mind being 'this kind of sick' on Christmas. Don't get me wrong, nobody wants to be sick! It isn't like their greatest Desire or anything, however, if one HAS TO BE SICK on Christmas, this is the way to go. Stuffy nose, coughing fits that make it impossible to laugh *without being triggered* and night sweats that make one think it's summer!!!, are definitely preferable to courting the toilet bowl with ones bum or face in my humble opinion!
I called my mother today, BECAUSE I DESIRED TO DO SO! Yes, most would agree, this is definitive evidence of my sickness considering we once got along about as well as oil and water get along. At any rate I called her today and I was 'so sick' in her opinion no criticisms came down for my not visiting. In fact, when I told her what B had told me she said: "It never should have come up in our conversation. It's just she was telling me about something else and. . ." A part of me thought: "Hm. . . The green eyed monster popped up again so you had to outdo a tale of someone else's whoa with one of your own. . . I get it!" But I let the thought go unrepeated. Why stir the pot? As evidence of either my illness or my Grandmother's trying to get into heaven syndrome *I haven't figured out which yet* she gave B homemade Banana Nut Bread to give me so B dropped it off around 6:30 or so. I was greatly appreciative, even called GMa to thank her! Had to leave it on her message machine though since I guess she was still at Aunt K's house.
It was one of those Christmases where you just let it ride and I think because of that it went really well.
Dad and R brought home a plate for me and it was actually fabulous!! Moist turkey, mashed potatoes, chocolate pudding with chocolate cookie pieces in it and a piece of chocolate cake!!!! Woohoo!!!! Can we say best feast ever??? I was so excited I forgot about the stuffing! Lol.
The morning went well to, the girls got everything they wanted and I had wrapped up my SEETHER shirts the night before so I unwrapped them this morning raised the box over my head and screamed "SEEEEEEEEEEEEEETHER SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIRTS!!!!!! Ahhhhhhh!!!" Lol. Dad and R had given me $100 for Christmas so I bought my own Christmas present this year!!! The interesting thing is that I was okay with opening only stocking stuffers and the lotion the girls got me but according to R she and Dad felt bad that I had nothing to open. Funny how that works as an adult. Dad kept asking me if I had a boyfriend in my box. Lol! I said if I had had one it would have actually been E and S so there would have been two boyfriends! Lol. I've always adored you but since I can't bring you back to life. . . I'm kinda screwed there! Lol.
Aside from the Christmas festivities *and I must say here before moving on, I believe I'm getting used to being alone on Christmas*. I think that's a good thing since they say acceptance is the first step to any 'next steps' one might wish to take. . . So go me!!
But aside from that I was contemplating finding the contact info for the big news corporations. NBC, CBS and ABC. And of course MSNBC and CNN. So I was here in front of the computer looking up info, google sucks by the way!! Thinking I'll go back to the library and ask if they have that sort of info in a big book along with other corporate contact info, because Google doesn't have it all in one place and I don't feel like searching 10 websites, but anyway I was so tired I actually put my head down at my desk and rested for 5 minutes just getting up the energy to move to my bed for a nap! Thing is my sleep schedule is usually kinda funky, but with me being sick it's gotten way more outta whack. I got maybe 2 hours of sleep last night so I'd already been up like 2 or 3 hours by the time we opened presents. I went back to bed around 9 and got up at 1:30, then was exhausted like I'd been up for 5 days by 3:30-4 and slept until 6:08. Then I was up until the rents got home with the food and was feeling dead tired again. It was around 9:30 when they got home. So I ate and was fighting off bed till about 11. Wanted to give my food SOME TIME to digest. So I was in bed at 11 and woke up at 1:22 and got up at 2:32 and so here I am writing you now. I feel kind of tired just writing this, but not exhausted yet. I'm waiting for the exhaustion to set in. If I go to bed 'tired' it's not enough and I'll toss and turn. I could have stayed in bed earlier had I not tossed and turned! Lol. So as I said, pretty messed up!
One has nothing to do with the other accept that I was writing on my thoughts and I Desired to start trying to get a jump on the new year plan to get myself out of here, but became to tired to do so. honestly I'd ask Holl to look for me, but I need to be right with her when I ask otherwise she'll forget. Lol.
On the flipside, if my plan doesn't work I've decided January 14th 2013 is the end of it. Along those lines of thinking I'm going to buy the DVD of Unplugged and ask someone to watch it with me and describe the setup you've got going on. I like roses, not lilys, so I may use a mix of roses and lilys.
I've been thinking about writing my will out, but truth is I have nothing to terribly valuable. I mean I have CD'S, which to me are the most valuable thing in the world *next to my girls of course*, but I don't know who to will them to that would hold them in the same high esteem I do. I mean I even change cases when they get cracks in them. Not everyone does that. And there's the Girls, I'm not sure who to will them to either. I think if I were gone Dad would want them more all of a sudden, maybe view them as an extention of me, but I can't say that for sure and I DO NOT Desire them to go to a farm or a pound somewhere! Beyond that there's my clothes and DVD'S, my Christmas ornaments and miscelaneous stuff. Papers and stuff. They could burn those if they wanted, I don't care about them. There's my stereoes and my DVD player and TV. . . my bed. But even writing it down makes it look unimportant. It's all just stuff. Maybe I should just leave it as is and only write out notes to everyone. As for what they do with me, I don't much care. I once thought being buried was the end all be all, but they could cremate me. It's not a big deal. The body is just a shell. The spirit and soul are long gone from there so they could cremate me and I wouldn't care. So that's the other thing I was thinking about today. Only, truth be told, it wasn't as in depth as I just wrote it to you.
I figure whatever I do to myself Unplugged will be on in the background when I go. Maybe I'll put Finding Beauty SEETHER on the other stereo. And if there's a showing I want a couple songs to be played. One from you and one from SHAUN should do it. Not sure which ones though. "YOU KNOW YOUR RIGHT" and "FUCK ME LIKE YOU HATE ME" are the first two to pop up ironically. . . but I think something happier, more on the order of "LITHIUM" and "WALK AWAY FROM THE SUN" are in order. I need to figure out what the best thing to do is.
Like I said before, truth is I feel alot more free knowing 'this is it'! I feel relieved and unburdened and like I'm not staring down the barrel of 20 or 30 more years like this.
I was watching the Nostradamus Effect" and "The Lost Book" tonight and getting a feeling from that to. Like 'this is it!' really! THIS IS IT! This is THEE YEAR! This is drastic change! Whether or not anyone believes in prophecies really doesn't matter because you can feel it in the world, in the energy shifts around us! This is a turning point for us as human beings and I genuinely believe that. There will be huge sweeping changes for us! I don't think the world is ending, but I do think there will be a major shift in consciousness and I feel like I'm supposed to be here for that, like I'm supposed to play a role in that, therefore I WILL be provided with what I need to get up and out on my own and start a life of my own. It's weird to be considering death and life right next to each other. It's like the grafts my teacher used to make for me. She always had a line down the middle separating the two sides of the paper and that's how I feel my life is right now. One the lefthand side is life, on the righthand side is death and the two are paraleling each other. One step left and one step right. I'm willing to gamble as it were, because I know what I'm meant to do and am that confident that if things won't piece themselves together I'd have no feeling of regret going right instead of left.
Does that make sense to you? I can be ok because I KNOW where I'm supposed to be and what I'm supposed to do. So if it doesn't come to pass for me to do it in this year, time and place then I'm alright letting go because I will have put my best foot forward from the end of 2011 through to January 14th 2013.
So that's where all my thoughts were today. Jumbled as usual, right? I know you aren't surprised. You know me to well for that.
I thank you for sticking with me all these years. I always come back to you when I need something resolved with certainty or need clarity on something. There's something about writing while listening to Unplugged that always gets me. This is the closest I'll ever get to a trance like state I think! Lol.
Tons of love,
Chelle
Tis me again!! I know, your surprised, right? Lol.
It was a pretty calm Christmas all things considered. I think I actually don't mind being 'this kind of sick' on Christmas. Don't get me wrong, nobody wants to be sick! It isn't like their greatest Desire or anything, however, if one HAS TO BE SICK on Christmas, this is the way to go. Stuffy nose, coughing fits that make it impossible to laugh *without being triggered* and night sweats that make one think it's summer!!!, are definitely preferable to courting the toilet bowl with ones bum or face in my humble opinion!
I called my mother today, BECAUSE I DESIRED TO DO SO! Yes, most would agree, this is definitive evidence of my sickness considering we once got along about as well as oil and water get along. At any rate I called her today and I was 'so sick' in her opinion no criticisms came down for my not visiting. In fact, when I told her what B had told me she said: "It never should have come up in our conversation. It's just she was telling me about something else and. . ." A part of me thought: "Hm. . . The green eyed monster popped up again so you had to outdo a tale of someone else's whoa with one of your own. . . I get it!" But I let the thought go unrepeated. Why stir the pot? As evidence of either my illness or my Grandmother's trying to get into heaven syndrome *I haven't figured out which yet* she gave B homemade Banana Nut Bread to give me so B dropped it off around 6:30 or so. I was greatly appreciative, even called GMa to thank her! Had to leave it on her message machine though since I guess she was still at Aunt K's house.
It was one of those Christmases where you just let it ride and I think because of that it went really well.
Dad and R brought home a plate for me and it was actually fabulous!! Moist turkey, mashed potatoes, chocolate pudding with chocolate cookie pieces in it and a piece of chocolate cake!!!! Woohoo!!!! Can we say best feast ever??? I was so excited I forgot about the stuffing! Lol.
The morning went well to, the girls got everything they wanted and I had wrapped up my SEETHER shirts the night before so I unwrapped them this morning raised the box over my head and screamed "SEEEEEEEEEEEEEETHER SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIRTS!!!!!! Ahhhhhhh!!!" Lol. Dad and R had given me $100 for Christmas so I bought my own Christmas present this year!!! The interesting thing is that I was okay with opening only stocking stuffers and the lotion the girls got me but according to R she and Dad felt bad that I had nothing to open. Funny how that works as an adult. Dad kept asking me if I had a boyfriend in my box. Lol! I said if I had had one it would have actually been E and S so there would have been two boyfriends! Lol. I've always adored you but since I can't bring you back to life. . . I'm kinda screwed there! Lol.
Aside from the Christmas festivities *and I must say here before moving on, I believe I'm getting used to being alone on Christmas*. I think that's a good thing since they say acceptance is the first step to any 'next steps' one might wish to take. . . So go me!!
But aside from that I was contemplating finding the contact info for the big news corporations. NBC, CBS and ABC. And of course MSNBC and CNN. So I was here in front of the computer looking up info, google sucks by the way!! Thinking I'll go back to the library and ask if they have that sort of info in a big book along with other corporate contact info, because Google doesn't have it all in one place and I don't feel like searching 10 websites, but anyway I was so tired I actually put my head down at my desk and rested for 5 minutes just getting up the energy to move to my bed for a nap! Thing is my sleep schedule is usually kinda funky, but with me being sick it's gotten way more outta whack. I got maybe 2 hours of sleep last night so I'd already been up like 2 or 3 hours by the time we opened presents. I went back to bed around 9 and got up at 1:30, then was exhausted like I'd been up for 5 days by 3:30-4 and slept until 6:08. Then I was up until the rents got home with the food and was feeling dead tired again. It was around 9:30 when they got home. So I ate and was fighting off bed till about 11. Wanted to give my food SOME TIME to digest. So I was in bed at 11 and woke up at 1:22 and got up at 2:32 and so here I am writing you now. I feel kind of tired just writing this, but not exhausted yet. I'm waiting for the exhaustion to set in. If I go to bed 'tired' it's not enough and I'll toss and turn. I could have stayed in bed earlier had I not tossed and turned! Lol. So as I said, pretty messed up!
One has nothing to do with the other accept that I was writing on my thoughts and I Desired to start trying to get a jump on the new year plan to get myself out of here, but became to tired to do so. honestly I'd ask Holl to look for me, but I need to be right with her when I ask otherwise she'll forget. Lol.
On the flipside, if my plan doesn't work I've decided January 14th 2013 is the end of it. Along those lines of thinking I'm going to buy the DVD of Unplugged and ask someone to watch it with me and describe the setup you've got going on. I like roses, not lilys, so I may use a mix of roses and lilys.
I've been thinking about writing my will out, but truth is I have nothing to terribly valuable. I mean I have CD'S, which to me are the most valuable thing in the world *next to my girls of course*, but I don't know who to will them to that would hold them in the same high esteem I do. I mean I even change cases when they get cracks in them. Not everyone does that. And there's the Girls, I'm not sure who to will them to either. I think if I were gone Dad would want them more all of a sudden, maybe view them as an extention of me, but I can't say that for sure and I DO NOT Desire them to go to a farm or a pound somewhere! Beyond that there's my clothes and DVD'S, my Christmas ornaments and miscelaneous stuff. Papers and stuff. They could burn those if they wanted, I don't care about them. There's my stereoes and my DVD player and TV. . . my bed. But even writing it down makes it look unimportant. It's all just stuff. Maybe I should just leave it as is and only write out notes to everyone. As for what they do with me, I don't much care. I once thought being buried was the end all be all, but they could cremate me. It's not a big deal. The body is just a shell. The spirit and soul are long gone from there so they could cremate me and I wouldn't care. So that's the other thing I was thinking about today. Only, truth be told, it wasn't as in depth as I just wrote it to you.
I figure whatever I do to myself Unplugged will be on in the background when I go. Maybe I'll put Finding Beauty SEETHER on the other stereo. And if there's a showing I want a couple songs to be played. One from you and one from SHAUN should do it. Not sure which ones though. "YOU KNOW YOUR RIGHT" and "FUCK ME LIKE YOU HATE ME" are the first two to pop up ironically. . . but I think something happier, more on the order of "LITHIUM" and "WALK AWAY FROM THE SUN" are in order. I need to figure out what the best thing to do is.
Like I said before, truth is I feel alot more free knowing 'this is it'! I feel relieved and unburdened and like I'm not staring down the barrel of 20 or 30 more years like this.
I was watching the Nostradamus Effect" and "The Lost Book" tonight and getting a feeling from that to. Like 'this is it!' really! THIS IS IT! This is THEE YEAR! This is drastic change! Whether or not anyone believes in prophecies really doesn't matter because you can feel it in the world, in the energy shifts around us! This is a turning point for us as human beings and I genuinely believe that. There will be huge sweeping changes for us! I don't think the world is ending, but I do think there will be a major shift in consciousness and I feel like I'm supposed to be here for that, like I'm supposed to play a role in that, therefore I WILL be provided with what I need to get up and out on my own and start a life of my own. It's weird to be considering death and life right next to each other. It's like the grafts my teacher used to make for me. She always had a line down the middle separating the two sides of the paper and that's how I feel my life is right now. One the lefthand side is life, on the righthand side is death and the two are paraleling each other. One step left and one step right. I'm willing to gamble as it were, because I know what I'm meant to do and am that confident that if things won't piece themselves together I'd have no feeling of regret going right instead of left.
Does that make sense to you? I can be ok because I KNOW where I'm supposed to be and what I'm supposed to do. So if it doesn't come to pass for me to do it in this year, time and place then I'm alright letting go because I will have put my best foot forward from the end of 2011 through to January 14th 2013.
So that's where all my thoughts were today. Jumbled as usual, right? I know you aren't surprised. You know me to well for that.
I thank you for sticking with me all these years. I always come back to you when I need something resolved with certainty or need clarity on something. There's something about writing while listening to Unplugged that always gets me. This is the closest I'll ever get to a trance like state I think! Lol.
Tons of love,
Chelle
Saturday, December 24, 2011
`Morning Pages, Dearest KURT
Dearest KURT:
I have to say, this one isn't speciffic to you, I could have written SHAUN or whoever. Alternately, I could have just as easily titled this Midnight Pages instead of Morning Pages. . . Lol.
Either way I was thinking and it's 4AM and I have a feeling I'll never get to sleep if I don't get this random junk heap off my chest.
Funny, it's nothing speciffic. Here's what I mean.
They've played "CLASSIC ALBUMS: NIRVANA "NEVERMIND"" FIVE, yes, I said 5 times this week on VH1 Classic! Their calling it Rock the Halls week. Hahahaha get it? Rock the Halls VS. Deck the Halls? Lol. So I've watched it every time, yes, even when it aired at ungodly hours like 3AM!!!! I still watched!!! And when Butch was talking about "IN BLOOM" and how you guys put it altogether, at the very end where you sing: "Mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm. . ." I swear I heard garbled sounds underneath your voice.Suspicion tells me it was you communicating again. The first time that happened was when I was still in school and going through such a rough time I was contemplating suicide. I had that dream you were holding me in your lap and talking to me. I woke up thrilled and yet frustrated because I couldn't remember exactly what you said! Now that I've made my 'plan' for 2013 if my life doesn't change I wonder if you're trying to tell me to hang in there again. I wouldn't be surprised, but I had to watch every time to be absolutely sure I was hearing what I 'thought' I was hearing because I swear I've watched the show a billion times before now and never heard that!!!
So yes, that thought was directly related to you, but then I was thinking about my mother and that isn't directly related to you, hence why I started out by saying I could have written to anybody.
I really feel ok about my mother's death. Thing is I've been mourning her, the real her for so long that finding out that the organs of this woman AKA my mother, but who doesn't act like my mother, are shutting down doesn't feel the way most people might think it would.
I mean I'll probably always miss the mother I used to have, the one who would sing to me and bake cookies with me and the like to one degree or another, but this one, the one whose dying? I can't honestly say I miss her. Does that make sense? I know some people say it does, some say it doesn't.
Like I wrote you in October though, I think you know something about this *death* I mean, that I don't. I think I'm getting better at handling it though, which Dad's always pressuring me to do. So that has to be a good thing.
On another note entirely I've been trying to figure out how to make a huge splash in 2012!! People have helped me take a vacation to Miami and one to San Antonio so I could check out housing and transportation, but I've been trying to figure out what the right trigger/button is to push to get help in moving out and starting a life of my own. I can bring the violins but I seem to lose the sustainability factor. I can bring the pain but I have an inability to 'keep the pain' going or something. Go figure!!!
I've considered joining donatetome.com and have already begun to change this current blog of mine into a launching pad. I've thought about getting a hold of big news corps like NBC, CBS and ABC, but then I'm back to the violins and how do I bring them to their knees??
It is my Desire to be the FEMALE version of you one day, so is that selling out? Going to big news outlets I mean. I don't feel bad about it, so I'm guessing I'm on the right track. I feel like I'm doing what I have to and there's no shame in it! I also know I'm overthinking, focussing way to hard on the HOW as opposed to just doing it. There's planning and then there's OVER planning and let me tell you, I do a fabulous job of overplanning sometimes!! Overthinking, overanalyzing, their like my middle names or something!!! Seriously! What's up with that???? I mean WTF???
And then I was thinking about how I'm feeling. What I mean is even with all this chaos and this bloody cold of mine I feel pretty good. I'm definitely sleeping more during the early day then at night, but I'm still getting in family time and I feel pretty good about everything! Ever since I decided that I wasn't going to let this life or lack thereof drag on for the next 20 years I've felt Guuuuuurreeeeeeat!! Like Tony the Tiger Great!! I feel optomistic and like it's summer all the time! Mind you it's like 10 degrees outside and we're getting the occasional dusting of the white stuff on the ground here!! Lolz!! But I feel like that Fresh Prince song "Summer summer summertime! It's summertime! Let's just sit back and unwind!" I'm even getting excited about Christmas and I haven't been this excited about that since I found out Santa wasn't real!! Er. . . according to some. Dad swears up and down he is, but that's another story entirely!! Lol!
And there was the time I got tickets to see ELI just before Christmas. . . so that was a kick-ass Christmas!! But this year I'm actually excited about Christmas itself, the giving of a present to be very speciffic!!! I'm a genius gift wrapper and I can't wait for Dad to open his!!! Man I rock!!!! So all in all, I'd say it's a definite summer mood for me! I Brag I've even been able to cherish old memories I have of being 'alone' to all the awesome music that came out in the early 90's and I can handle that without bawling like a baby!!! I think I'm on the right track here!!
I Brag I even got all my Birthday Gratitudes done before my Birthday!!!! I did them all from 1986 to present and I knocked it out of the park!! Usually I drag my feet on such projects and don't get done at all, or if I do it's MONTHS after I had planned to!!! Did I happen to mention I rock???
I gave KittyKitty two of her 5 meals she's getting this year, cuz I never gave her her meals last year, nor did I remember to give Holl's Kitty girls their meals, so KittyKitty's getting both sets this year. Lucky Duck! Though she's a Cat, lucky Cat just doesn't have the same ring to it. Lol.
My thoughts have just been cartwheeling lately and I feel like I could write you for hours and hours and yet write very little. . . or "SAY" very little. Either way it'll be 4:30 in one minute and I need SOME sleep so I can function later today considering it's Christmas Eve and Rebecca will need all kinds of help.
Much love to you, Mark and everyone else and do me a favor PLEASE??? Look out for SHAUN. . . I swear he's headed down a path of disaster and he's been cropping up in my thoughts alot lately.
Love,
Chelle
I have to say, this one isn't speciffic to you, I could have written SHAUN or whoever. Alternately, I could have just as easily titled this Midnight Pages instead of Morning Pages. . . Lol.
Either way I was thinking and it's 4AM and I have a feeling I'll never get to sleep if I don't get this random junk heap off my chest.
Funny, it's nothing speciffic. Here's what I mean.
They've played "CLASSIC ALBUMS: NIRVANA "NEVERMIND"" FIVE, yes, I said 5 times this week on VH1 Classic! Their calling it Rock the Halls week. Hahahaha get it? Rock the Halls VS. Deck the Halls? Lol. So I've watched it every time, yes, even when it aired at ungodly hours like 3AM!!!! I still watched!!! And when Butch was talking about "IN BLOOM" and how you guys put it altogether, at the very end where you sing: "Mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm. . ." I swear I heard garbled sounds underneath your voice.Suspicion tells me it was you communicating again. The first time that happened was when I was still in school and going through such a rough time I was contemplating suicide. I had that dream you were holding me in your lap and talking to me. I woke up thrilled and yet frustrated because I couldn't remember exactly what you said! Now that I've made my 'plan' for 2013 if my life doesn't change I wonder if you're trying to tell me to hang in there again. I wouldn't be surprised, but I had to watch every time to be absolutely sure I was hearing what I 'thought' I was hearing because I swear I've watched the show a billion times before now and never heard that!!!
So yes, that thought was directly related to you, but then I was thinking about my mother and that isn't directly related to you, hence why I started out by saying I could have written to anybody.
I really feel ok about my mother's death. Thing is I've been mourning her, the real her for so long that finding out that the organs of this woman AKA my mother, but who doesn't act like my mother, are shutting down doesn't feel the way most people might think it would.
I mean I'll probably always miss the mother I used to have, the one who would sing to me and bake cookies with me and the like to one degree or another, but this one, the one whose dying? I can't honestly say I miss her. Does that make sense? I know some people say it does, some say it doesn't.
Like I wrote you in October though, I think you know something about this *death* I mean, that I don't. I think I'm getting better at handling it though, which Dad's always pressuring me to do. So that has to be a good thing.
On another note entirely I've been trying to figure out how to make a huge splash in 2012!! People have helped me take a vacation to Miami and one to San Antonio so I could check out housing and transportation, but I've been trying to figure out what the right trigger/button is to push to get help in moving out and starting a life of my own. I can bring the violins but I seem to lose the sustainability factor. I can bring the pain but I have an inability to 'keep the pain' going or something. Go figure!!!
I've considered joining donatetome.com and have already begun to change this current blog of mine into a launching pad. I've thought about getting a hold of big news corps like NBC, CBS and ABC, but then I'm back to the violins and how do I bring them to their knees??
It is my Desire to be the FEMALE version of you one day, so is that selling out? Going to big news outlets I mean. I don't feel bad about it, so I'm guessing I'm on the right track. I feel like I'm doing what I have to and there's no shame in it! I also know I'm overthinking, focussing way to hard on the HOW as opposed to just doing it. There's planning and then there's OVER planning and let me tell you, I do a fabulous job of overplanning sometimes!! Overthinking, overanalyzing, their like my middle names or something!!! Seriously! What's up with that???? I mean WTF???
And then I was thinking about how I'm feeling. What I mean is even with all this chaos and this bloody cold of mine I feel pretty good. I'm definitely sleeping more during the early day then at night, but I'm still getting in family time and I feel pretty good about everything! Ever since I decided that I wasn't going to let this life or lack thereof drag on for the next 20 years I've felt Guuuuuurreeeeeeat!! Like Tony the Tiger Great!! I feel optomistic and like it's summer all the time! Mind you it's like 10 degrees outside and we're getting the occasional dusting of the white stuff on the ground here!! Lolz!! But I feel like that Fresh Prince song "Summer summer summertime! It's summertime! Let's just sit back and unwind!" I'm even getting excited about Christmas and I haven't been this excited about that since I found out Santa wasn't real!! Er. . . according to some. Dad swears up and down he is, but that's another story entirely!! Lol!
And there was the time I got tickets to see ELI just before Christmas. . . so that was a kick-ass Christmas!! But this year I'm actually excited about Christmas itself, the giving of a present to be very speciffic!!! I'm a genius gift wrapper and I can't wait for Dad to open his!!! Man I rock!!!! So all in all, I'd say it's a definite summer mood for me! I Brag I've even been able to cherish old memories I have of being 'alone' to all the awesome music that came out in the early 90's and I can handle that without bawling like a baby!!! I think I'm on the right track here!!
I Brag I even got all my Birthday Gratitudes done before my Birthday!!!! I did them all from 1986 to present and I knocked it out of the park!! Usually I drag my feet on such projects and don't get done at all, or if I do it's MONTHS after I had planned to!!! Did I happen to mention I rock???
I gave KittyKitty two of her 5 meals she's getting this year, cuz I never gave her her meals last year, nor did I remember to give Holl's Kitty girls their meals, so KittyKitty's getting both sets this year. Lucky Duck! Though she's a Cat, lucky Cat just doesn't have the same ring to it. Lol.
My thoughts have just been cartwheeling lately and I feel like I could write you for hours and hours and yet write very little. . . or "SAY" very little. Either way it'll be 4:30 in one minute and I need SOME sleep so I can function later today considering it's Christmas Eve and Rebecca will need all kinds of help.
Much love to you, Mark and everyone else and do me a favor PLEASE??? Look out for SHAUN. . . I swear he's headed down a path of disaster and he's been cropping up in my thoughts alot lately.
Love,
Chelle
Friday, December 16, 2011
Letting Go
I may not update this blog daily, but when I do update they tend to be long. This will be no exception.
Last night my coach asked me what it would take for me to 'let go'. I said I haven't been able to talk about my feelings on certain things, my brother's passing for example. She asked if talking would help and I said point blank: 'I don't know.'
Truth is, I don't know. I may not take every piece of advice given me and I may not always appear to be listening and 'following' the formula', whatever that formula may be. However, I do listen and even when I don't do something, if it was good advice or a good suggestion I tend to remember it long after it was spoken.
Lately, I have been letting go of SOME THINGS. Old emails even those written to the loves of my life *they know who they are*. I have let go easily and felt rather light afterwards to be honest. I've deleted old recipes and sent the good ones to another email address I have speciffically for saving such things.
I hung up with my coach last night and blasted The Boom Box Sessions and other outtakes from 1991's epic "NEVERMIND"!!
Part of me was pissed, affronted! I throw away half of my popcorn that was cold and no longer tasted good anyway! No, I'd have never thrown away milk chocolate. . . that's punishable by death! But the popcorn no longer tasted good and I was so angry not AT her, but at the thought of 'letting go' and the fact that there's no formula to follow I felt like crawling in a hole and hibernating for the rest of the winter!
Fast forward to today. It wasn't a particularly out of the ordinary day. I bought some SEETHER Tees' from the SEETHER Shop and went grocery shopping. I came home and punished Sadie for eating yet another thing, this time a gift, a puzzle to be speciffic!! I put her in the cage because it's to cold to keep her chained outside and as I emptied my trash in the big can in the kitchen the words: "This hurts me more than it hurts you. . ." popped into my head.
It really did. I know she suffered in a puppymill. I know they bred her ruthlessly and kept her confined to a cage otherwise. So of course, I thought: "How could you!!???" My only other option was spanking and I. am. not. a fan of spanking! That's not to say that I've NEVER spanked her, but I do it sparingly. As in I've had her since the day after Valentine's Day of 2009 and probably spanked her twice, maybe three times in that span.
Later in the day I got on the phone to listen to a couple issues of Rolling Stone and one of the first articles I read was on Amy Winehouse. Speciffically, the putting together of her posthumous album that came out December 6th. I started getting misty but I figured it was 'just one of those things'. I'm a sensitive person to begin with so I carried on reading. The next article I came across was a Q&A session with Michael Stipe on the end of R.E.M.
And low and behold I start weeping! Weeping! Over R.E.M!! Now, don't get me wrong, I love me some "Losing My Religion" or "It's The End Of The World As We Know It" or "Man On The Moon" or "Bang and Blame" or "Drive" or, one that always really spoke to me/the isolation of my childhood: "The Wrong Child"
"I will try to sing a happy song
I'll try and make a happy game to play
Come play with me I whispered to my new found friend
Tell me what it's like to go outside
I've never been
Tell me what it's like to just go outside
I've never been
And I never will."
"The Wrong Child" as written by William Berry, Peter Buck, Mike Mills, Michael Stipe
Lyrics © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.
Thank Goddess for http://www.songmeanings.net/
!!
And now I'm really wondering: 'WTF???'
As I said their cool but they aren't my NIRVANA, though Michael def ranks up there with KURT! He just isn't typically 'the man' I'd be weeping over.
So how do all these incidents relate to letting go?
The end of R.E.M was finalized, official. There was a stamp placed on it. They've put out a final farewell album, their all still friends and life goes on.
Sadie's punishment ended. I let her out of the cage, took her out to go potty, brought her in and loved on her, fed her etc. She knows it's over. There was an ending.
Amy on the other hand left unfinished business. KURT left unfinished business.
Some of the things that have happened to me in my life have been left unfinished. My brother is dead and logically I KNOW he's dead. My HEAD, my BRAIN isn't disabled and uncomprehending. I KNOW he's gone. We held a Memorial Service and I eulogized him.
But there is no body and there was no body. We held a Memorial in Saginaw, he died in San Antonio and was cremated in San Antonio and his egg donor has some of his ashes. I have none.
Same situation with school in general. School SUCKED for me, whether it was attending school when I was a girl or going to the NFB center in LA. In the case of the center I went in feeling isolated and left feeling isolated.
The bigger picture here, is that in order for me to let go, I would have to stop being shunned and discriminated against. Meaning from here on out I would learn to do anything I didn't know how to do, IN OR AROUND MY HOME, where I feel comfortable. Where applicable of course. I couldn't learn to sky dive here at home! Or if I attended college I wouldn't, under any circumstances be told that my Notetaker was to noisy and I needed to 'leave the room' and take my test 'somewhere else' so the other students could have it quiet. Back in the day it was my Braille Writer that was to noisy and I'd be sent to the Science room where they kept all the chemicals for the lab to take my tests.
Also in an ideal world I would be given a PUBLIC apology and the schools *in chesaning* would not only apologize, but ADMIT guilt and neglect and start implementing school policies that would prevent other students from suffering what I did. Anyone who knows the whole story knows that being sent off to another room to take a test was the least of my problems though also damaging. The punching, kicking and spitting upon my person were in SOME ways much worse.
So, barring those things happening, WHAT ELSE would I need to 'let go'???
That's the $64,000,000 question and at this moment, I'm not sure I have the answer.
I know when I was listening to my coach talk last night what kept running through my head was a quote from the "Classic Albums: "NEVERMIND"" VH1 series.
"And I think what he found which is certainly true, I think of many successful people is that he became rich and famous and all the same things were still there. He was still from a divorced family, he still had difficult relationships with that family and he still struggled for his place in the world."--Unknown Person
So the next $64,000,000 question is am I going to end up like KURT COBAIN because I haven't found a way to let go of 'everything'? And when I say end up like, I could easily pose that question of anyone who hasn't let go of 'everything'. So I don't mean 'end up dead like' or anything similar.
I'm more inclined to believe that we let go of things as we age and as we figure out how, so I'm not 'doomed' however, there is a part of me that now feels threatened like: "If you won't release everything, this minute, then the Universe won't provide for you and your fate is sealed!"
NOT a good way to be thinking when I'm trying to get to a fabulous new year and putting it all on the line for said new year!
Last night my coach asked me what it would take for me to 'let go'. I said I haven't been able to talk about my feelings on certain things, my brother's passing for example. She asked if talking would help and I said point blank: 'I don't know.'
Truth is, I don't know. I may not take every piece of advice given me and I may not always appear to be listening and 'following' the formula', whatever that formula may be. However, I do listen and even when I don't do something, if it was good advice or a good suggestion I tend to remember it long after it was spoken.
Lately, I have been letting go of SOME THINGS. Old emails even those written to the loves of my life *they know who they are*. I have let go easily and felt rather light afterwards to be honest. I've deleted old recipes and sent the good ones to another email address I have speciffically for saving such things.
I hung up with my coach last night and blasted The Boom Box Sessions and other outtakes from 1991's epic "NEVERMIND"!!
Part of me was pissed, affronted! I throw away half of my popcorn that was cold and no longer tasted good anyway! No, I'd have never thrown away milk chocolate. . . that's punishable by death! But the popcorn no longer tasted good and I was so angry not AT her, but at the thought of 'letting go' and the fact that there's no formula to follow I felt like crawling in a hole and hibernating for the rest of the winter!
Fast forward to today. It wasn't a particularly out of the ordinary day. I bought some SEETHER Tees' from the SEETHER Shop and went grocery shopping. I came home and punished Sadie for eating yet another thing, this time a gift, a puzzle to be speciffic!! I put her in the cage because it's to cold to keep her chained outside and as I emptied my trash in the big can in the kitchen the words: "This hurts me more than it hurts you. . ." popped into my head.
It really did. I know she suffered in a puppymill. I know they bred her ruthlessly and kept her confined to a cage otherwise. So of course, I thought: "How could you!!???" My only other option was spanking and I. am. not. a fan of spanking! That's not to say that I've NEVER spanked her, but I do it sparingly. As in I've had her since the day after Valentine's Day of 2009 and probably spanked her twice, maybe three times in that span.
Later in the day I got on the phone to listen to a couple issues of Rolling Stone and one of the first articles I read was on Amy Winehouse. Speciffically, the putting together of her posthumous album that came out December 6th. I started getting misty but I figured it was 'just one of those things'. I'm a sensitive person to begin with so I carried on reading. The next article I came across was a Q&A session with Michael Stipe on the end of R.E.M.
And low and behold I start weeping! Weeping! Over R.E.M!! Now, don't get me wrong, I love me some "Losing My Religion" or "It's The End Of The World As We Know It" or "Man On The Moon" or "Bang and Blame" or "Drive" or, one that always really spoke to me/the isolation of my childhood: "The Wrong Child"
"I will try to sing a happy song
I'll try and make a happy game to play
Come play with me I whispered to my new found friend
Tell me what it's like to go outside
I've never been
Tell me what it's like to just go outside
I've never been
And I never will."
"The Wrong Child" as written by William Berry, Peter Buck, Mike Mills, Michael Stipe
Lyrics © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.
Thank Goddess for http://www.songmeanings.net/
!!
And now I'm really wondering: 'WTF???'
As I said their cool but they aren't my NIRVANA, though Michael def ranks up there with KURT! He just isn't typically 'the man' I'd be weeping over.
So how do all these incidents relate to letting go?
The end of R.E.M was finalized, official. There was a stamp placed on it. They've put out a final farewell album, their all still friends and life goes on.
Sadie's punishment ended. I let her out of the cage, took her out to go potty, brought her in and loved on her, fed her etc. She knows it's over. There was an ending.
Amy on the other hand left unfinished business. KURT left unfinished business.
Some of the things that have happened to me in my life have been left unfinished. My brother is dead and logically I KNOW he's dead. My HEAD, my BRAIN isn't disabled and uncomprehending. I KNOW he's gone. We held a Memorial Service and I eulogized him.
But there is no body and there was no body. We held a Memorial in Saginaw, he died in San Antonio and was cremated in San Antonio and his egg donor has some of his ashes. I have none.
Same situation with school in general. School SUCKED for me, whether it was attending school when I was a girl or going to the NFB center in LA. In the case of the center I went in feeling isolated and left feeling isolated.
The bigger picture here, is that in order for me to let go, I would have to stop being shunned and discriminated against. Meaning from here on out I would learn to do anything I didn't know how to do, IN OR AROUND MY HOME, where I feel comfortable. Where applicable of course. I couldn't learn to sky dive here at home! Or if I attended college I wouldn't, under any circumstances be told that my Notetaker was to noisy and I needed to 'leave the room' and take my test 'somewhere else' so the other students could have it quiet. Back in the day it was my Braille Writer that was to noisy and I'd be sent to the Science room where they kept all the chemicals for the lab to take my tests.
Also in an ideal world I would be given a PUBLIC apology and the schools *in chesaning* would not only apologize, but ADMIT guilt and neglect and start implementing school policies that would prevent other students from suffering what I did. Anyone who knows the whole story knows that being sent off to another room to take a test was the least of my problems though also damaging. The punching, kicking and spitting upon my person were in SOME ways much worse.
So, barring those things happening, WHAT ELSE would I need to 'let go'???
That's the $64,000,000 question and at this moment, I'm not sure I have the answer.
I know when I was listening to my coach talk last night what kept running through my head was a quote from the "Classic Albums: "NEVERMIND"" VH1 series.
"And I think what he found which is certainly true, I think of many successful people is that he became rich and famous and all the same things were still there. He was still from a divorced family, he still had difficult relationships with that family and he still struggled for his place in the world."--Unknown Person
So the next $64,000,000 question is am I going to end up like KURT COBAIN because I haven't found a way to let go of 'everything'? And when I say end up like, I could easily pose that question of anyone who hasn't let go of 'everything'. So I don't mean 'end up dead like' or anything similar.
I'm more inclined to believe that we let go of things as we age and as we figure out how, so I'm not 'doomed' however, there is a part of me that now feels threatened like: "If you won't release everything, this minute, then the Universe won't provide for you and your fate is sealed!"
NOT a good way to be thinking when I'm trying to get to a fabulous new year and putting it all on the line for said new year!
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Thank You For Miami Sisters!!!!
Nothing like waiting till the last minute to share my Miami story!!!
First SG Tat deserves a huge thank you because she read my story *Brags, profile I'm guessing*, and she contacted me. In fact, she was so determined to help me she not only replied to my Brags, she emailed me about 10 minutes after that! Smile.
She said it was her Desire to help get me to Miami, I already had plane tickets though, so she started raising money for me.
Next huge thank yous go to my roommates Friday/Saturday SG H SG M and SG R!!!! Totally rockin' Women!!! It was the perfect mix of SGS who've been there before and SG M and I who had just gone through VPBC together. Thursday was also covered, so I am Greatful to a former SG for that!!!! Huge hugs!!
As for the story itself. . .
I got in Thursday night and encountered not one, but two hot Latinos!!! Woo woo woooooo! Can we say ring the alarm!!!!
One was handing out bus transfers, the other drove the cab to Haddon Hall!!
I was able to hop on the net to check in here at SG.com and see what was up!! I slept badly due to noisiness, but everything can't be perfect, right? It's Miami! Lol.
Friday I spent in Haddon and than at the Catalina alone. Thank you to SG LA for helping me move and get settled in at the Catalina!!!! You rock Sister!!!!
I got dinner with SG R *thank you!!!!!*, and made my grand entrance to Graduation!!!!!
I have to say it definitely made up for my graduation from high school!!! I loved the energy and the dance breaks and SG RR who ran right up to me and sat down with me!!! Thank you SG RR, it was fabulous meeting you in person!!!! You are totally awesome!!!!!
The entire weekend was emotional for me, it seemed like all I did was cry and then my heart would soar and then I'd cry again!
The reunion with all the Sisters was amazing!! It was sooo wonderful getting to meet everyone I met!!! Names escape me as I didn't have enough time to memorize everyone's voices!! I would have needed at least a week!!! Lol.
Spending time with SG Y Friday night was also wonderful, her working to get me to flirt and me going: "No way, not happenin' not comfortable!!!" At first I saw this as an abject failure but as other SGS pointed out to me, this was just what I needed because I got the chance to Pleasure Research and figure out what I do and don't like. I don't like flirting in crowded places where you can't hear yourself think let alone hear what someone else is saying to you!
She also SC'D with me right there in the middle of the party which felt like I'd been sprung on, but I was eternally Greatful afterwards!!! Thank you SG Y!!!!! Hugest of hugs to you for that Sister!!!!
Because of you and my own fortitude I was able to bring some skills home with me and I used them last night at the Framing Hanley concert!!
I also met Shannan who wasn't there as an SG, but was totally awesome to me!!! We got to talking about my brother and I was amazed at her heartfelt sincere apology for his passing and her knowingness of how much pain his death caused me. I've never met anyone like that before!!! Thank you Shannan!!!
Saturday was an early breakfast *for me*, but another late entry into class!! Lol! I'm Greatful to MG for giving me a chance to speak all three days!!!! You rock Mama!!!!
I'm also Greatful for the lunch I had afterward with SG LR *and her SG Mama D*, SG Mary, and the other SGS at the table!!! I thank you all and SG D again for going shopping with me afterward!!!! It was fabulous!!!! I spent $155 on the little strapless number I wore Sunday to class and I would have never done that 'at the house'!!!
I'm getting ahead of myself here!! Lol. I'm also Greatful to Bill for hanging out Friday night, we did talk after things quieted down! I'm Greatful to Shannan for the kashmir wrap!!!! Has kept me quite warm since!!
I'm Greatful for being taught the YES!!!! move on Saturday, one of the most powerful tools I believe I've ever received, just because of the 'YES' factor!!!!! We aren't taught to yes anything in our lives, so this was huge for me!!!
I hit the beach Saturday though I didn't go in and I'm Greatful to SG D for getting me there!!!!! I'm also Greatful to SG JA who took pictures of me!!!! Thank you Sister!!!!!
I also bought three bracelets and one of SG Tara's Gratitude journals for the children in Zimbabwe! That was an awesome feeling!!
I had Chinese for dinner with SG AL whom I finally got to meet up with, YAY!!! Thank you Sister and to the other two Sisters who ate with us, it was all very enjoyable!!!
Saturday night was of course, the Pink Party which was totally interesting! I had hopped on the Unbound Olympics train and one of the homework pieces was to put a plan in motion to work towards receiving one of your Desires! In my case the Desire I chose was being pregnant with a beautiful healthy Baby Girl, Olivia Maria by 1/14/2012!! So SG H and SG R and I came up with the plan for me to come out of hiding. . . next thing I know Pussy leads me to the stage at the party and all these hands are pulling me up and boom!!! I'm there, on stage!!!! It has definitely left an impression on me, on a cellular level as yesterday at the Framing Hanley concert I Desired to get on that stage!!! Smile.
The music got to be a bit much with a techno backbeat, but I kept up the dancing to the end, booty bumpin' and hip bumpin' thank you to those of you who danced with me!!!!
After that it was off to the Raleigh for skinny dipping!!!! Wooooo wooooo!!!!
I felt liberated, but in a way that I'd be hardpressed to put into words. I wasn't ashamed to strip at all. *waking up in the hospital without underwear 66 times seems to have that effect on some of us*!! But it left it's mark in a way that again went much deeper than being naked in a pool. We held hands in a Desire circle and the bouncing and floating in the water was wonderful!!!! I also Brag I received compliments on my gorgeous boobs twice in one weekend!!!! Never happened before!! Smile.
Sunday I thought I was going to have to CRAWL to class my ankle hurt so bad, but I made it and it was worth it for the last hurrah!!!
I'm Greatful to SG Tara for paying for my room at the Raleigh, you are totally awesome Sister and I adore you!!!!!! You made one of my Desires come true!!!
I'm also Greatful to SG SGB, SG Dana, SG Cookie and any other SG I'm missing for taking me into the ocean!! It was absolutely fabulous out there, to give my Gratitude to the water and realize the importance of standing my ground no matter what!!!!
I'm also Greatful for the SGS *most of whom were in the circle afterwards* this man and SG Dana helped me back to the circle and I was feeling great until this man started Desiring hugs and kisses from the others, then I began to feel afraid and though I didn't speak up it was like they all new because they pulled me into the middle of the circle. I felt so safe and secure in that circle I never Desired to leave it!!! Thank you all sooooo much!!! Words are not enough!!
I'm Greatful to SG Brenda who took me souvenir shopping Sunday night!!! I was showing everything off to Holly yesterday before the concert and she was saying how everything was perfect for me/my style and attitude!! Thank you!!!
I'm Greatful for talking with SG Carey though we didn't make it to a dinner date together!! Next time Sister!!!
I'm Greatful to SG Kim and SG HM for dinner at the Mediterreanian place!!! $133 on dinner, but it was one totally awesome dinner of fillet mignon, chocolate moose, chocolate meltdown cake, fingerling potatoes and fresh cheese with organic tomatoes!! Heeeeeeello!!!!! Smile. It was aaaaaaaamaaaaaazing!!!! And a French waiter!!! Whoa!!!! Who new????
It was a late night and I was thrilled to have a room and a king-sized bed to myself!!!! Never had that before either!! Alot of firsts on this trip!!! SG Tat got up with me Monday morning, helped with a cab and getting my bags downstairs!! I'm Greatful to you for seeing me off, thank you!!!!
The cabby was awesome, got me a Woman to take me through airport security who reminded me of SG Y *personality wise*, and of an SG all 'round!! She kissed and hugged a couple guys and when one of the guards Desired me to stand up and walk through she declared: "She can't walk!! You see the cane? *takes it from me and holds it up*!! Lol. She cannot walk!" A second male guard tried his hand and the first one said: "Forget it, I already tried. She is not coming out of that wheelchair." Finally a female guard came over, walked me through and patted me down while I sat!! This unnamed Woman took my shoes off, and tied them once I got them back on, she took my pouch off and put it back on, took my bag and laptop and phone, took everything out and put it all back!! This is huge for me because before Miami I would have felt like I 'had' to be independent. I can't have all these sighted people thinking I'm an invalid. In the VI *visually impaired* community just like in the sighted community, it's all about appearances. We aren't weak, we aren't stupid and we NEVER need help from sighted people, we can make our own way!! Of course then there's the other extreme *haven't heard of the National Federation for the Blind and wouldn't like them if they did*, because why make waves when they can sit at home and have their parents bathe them and wash their clothes and make their dinner for them? So there's two extremes and I've always tried to figure out where the hell I stood. Not a big fan of the NFB in the sense that they think sighted people are useless, but they have been very helpful in making websites and other things accessible to us. So. . . I Brag that I let go Monday and didn't think about the NFB or the non-NFB'ers, I just let go and let Goddess and felt no guilt whatsoever!!
I made it home safely and received the last of the money Friday in a check from SG Tat.
Thank you all again, I am eternally Greatful and Miami would not be what it was without all of you helping!!
Count me in for the SG commune!! Smile.
I came home and it's been one hell of a shock trying to integrate here. The family wanted to hang on me Monday and it took all I had to be polite and not say: "Get the fuck away from me! I hate you and wish I'd never come back here!" and that was BEFORE I found out Dad's answer about rent!!! Lol.
First SG Tat deserves a huge thank you because she read my story *Brags, profile I'm guessing*, and she contacted me. In fact, she was so determined to help me she not only replied to my Brags, she emailed me about 10 minutes after that! Smile.
She said it was her Desire to help get me to Miami, I already had plane tickets though, so she started raising money for me.
Next huge thank yous go to my roommates Friday/Saturday SG H SG M and SG R!!!! Totally rockin' Women!!! It was the perfect mix of SGS who've been there before and SG M and I who had just gone through VPBC together. Thursday was also covered, so I am Greatful to a former SG for that!!!! Huge hugs!!
As for the story itself. . .
I got in Thursday night and encountered not one, but two hot Latinos!!! Woo woo woooooo! Can we say ring the alarm!!!!
One was handing out bus transfers, the other drove the cab to Haddon Hall!!
I was able to hop on the net to check in here at SG.com and see what was up!! I slept badly due to noisiness, but everything can't be perfect, right? It's Miami! Lol.
Friday I spent in Haddon and than at the Catalina alone. Thank you to SG LA for helping me move and get settled in at the Catalina!!!! You rock Sister!!!!
I got dinner with SG R *thank you!!!!!*, and made my grand entrance to Graduation!!!!!
I have to say it definitely made up for my graduation from high school!!! I loved the energy and the dance breaks and SG RR who ran right up to me and sat down with me!!! Thank you SG RR, it was fabulous meeting you in person!!!! You are totally awesome!!!!!
The entire weekend was emotional for me, it seemed like all I did was cry and then my heart would soar and then I'd cry again!
The reunion with all the Sisters was amazing!! It was sooo wonderful getting to meet everyone I met!!! Names escape me as I didn't have enough time to memorize everyone's voices!! I would have needed at least a week!!! Lol.
Spending time with SG Y Friday night was also wonderful, her working to get me to flirt and me going: "No way, not happenin' not comfortable!!!" At first I saw this as an abject failure but as other SGS pointed out to me, this was just what I needed because I got the chance to Pleasure Research and figure out what I do and don't like. I don't like flirting in crowded places where you can't hear yourself think let alone hear what someone else is saying to you!
She also SC'D with me right there in the middle of the party which felt like I'd been sprung on, but I was eternally Greatful afterwards!!! Thank you SG Y!!!!! Hugest of hugs to you for that Sister!!!!
Because of you and my own fortitude I was able to bring some skills home with me and I used them last night at the Framing Hanley concert!!
I also met Shannan who wasn't there as an SG, but was totally awesome to me!!! We got to talking about my brother and I was amazed at her heartfelt sincere apology for his passing and her knowingness of how much pain his death caused me. I've never met anyone like that before!!! Thank you Shannan!!!
Saturday was an early breakfast *for me*, but another late entry into class!! Lol! I'm Greatful to MG for giving me a chance to speak all three days!!!! You rock Mama!!!!
I'm also Greatful for the lunch I had afterward with SG LR *and her SG Mama D*, SG Mary, and the other SGS at the table!!! I thank you all and SG D again for going shopping with me afterward!!!! It was fabulous!!!! I spent $155 on the little strapless number I wore Sunday to class and I would have never done that 'at the house'!!!
I'm getting ahead of myself here!! Lol. I'm also Greatful to Bill for hanging out Friday night, we did talk after things quieted down! I'm Greatful to Shannan for the kashmir wrap!!!! Has kept me quite warm since!!
I'm Greatful for being taught the YES!!!! move on Saturday, one of the most powerful tools I believe I've ever received, just because of the 'YES' factor!!!!! We aren't taught to yes anything in our lives, so this was huge for me!!!
I hit the beach Saturday though I didn't go in and I'm Greatful to SG D for getting me there!!!!! I'm also Greatful to SG JA who took pictures of me!!!! Thank you Sister!!!!!
I also bought three bracelets and one of SG Tara's Gratitude journals for the children in Zimbabwe! That was an awesome feeling!!
I had Chinese for dinner with SG AL whom I finally got to meet up with, YAY!!! Thank you Sister and to the other two Sisters who ate with us, it was all very enjoyable!!!
Saturday night was of course, the Pink Party which was totally interesting! I had hopped on the Unbound Olympics train and one of the homework pieces was to put a plan in motion to work towards receiving one of your Desires! In my case the Desire I chose was being pregnant with a beautiful healthy Baby Girl, Olivia Maria by 1/14/2012!! So SG H and SG R and I came up with the plan for me to come out of hiding. . . next thing I know Pussy leads me to the stage at the party and all these hands are pulling me up and boom!!! I'm there, on stage!!!! It has definitely left an impression on me, on a cellular level as yesterday at the Framing Hanley concert I Desired to get on that stage!!! Smile.
The music got to be a bit much with a techno backbeat, but I kept up the dancing to the end, booty bumpin' and hip bumpin' thank you to those of you who danced with me!!!!
After that it was off to the Raleigh for skinny dipping!!!! Wooooo wooooo!!!!
I felt liberated, but in a way that I'd be hardpressed to put into words. I wasn't ashamed to strip at all. *waking up in the hospital without underwear 66 times seems to have that effect on some of us*!! But it left it's mark in a way that again went much deeper than being naked in a pool. We held hands in a Desire circle and the bouncing and floating in the water was wonderful!!!! I also Brag I received compliments on my gorgeous boobs twice in one weekend!!!! Never happened before!! Smile.
Sunday I thought I was going to have to CRAWL to class my ankle hurt so bad, but I made it and it was worth it for the last hurrah!!!
I'm Greatful to SG Tara for paying for my room at the Raleigh, you are totally awesome Sister and I adore you!!!!!! You made one of my Desires come true!!!
I'm also Greatful to SG SGB, SG Dana, SG Cookie and any other SG I'm missing for taking me into the ocean!! It was absolutely fabulous out there, to give my Gratitude to the water and realize the importance of standing my ground no matter what!!!!
I'm also Greatful for the SGS *most of whom were in the circle afterwards* this man and SG Dana helped me back to the circle and I was feeling great until this man started Desiring hugs and kisses from the others, then I began to feel afraid and though I didn't speak up it was like they all new because they pulled me into the middle of the circle. I felt so safe and secure in that circle I never Desired to leave it!!! Thank you all sooooo much!!! Words are not enough!!
I'm Greatful to SG Brenda who took me souvenir shopping Sunday night!!! I was showing everything off to Holly yesterday before the concert and she was saying how everything was perfect for me/my style and attitude!! Thank you!!!
I'm Greatful for talking with SG Carey though we didn't make it to a dinner date together!! Next time Sister!!!
I'm Greatful to SG Kim and SG HM for dinner at the Mediterreanian place!!! $133 on dinner, but it was one totally awesome dinner of fillet mignon, chocolate moose, chocolate meltdown cake, fingerling potatoes and fresh cheese with organic tomatoes!! Heeeeeeello!!!!! Smile. It was aaaaaaaamaaaaaazing!!!! And a French waiter!!! Whoa!!!! Who new????
It was a late night and I was thrilled to have a room and a king-sized bed to myself!!!! Never had that before either!! Alot of firsts on this trip!!! SG Tat got up with me Monday morning, helped with a cab and getting my bags downstairs!! I'm Greatful to you for seeing me off, thank you!!!!
The cabby was awesome, got me a Woman to take me through airport security who reminded me of SG Y *personality wise*, and of an SG all 'round!! She kissed and hugged a couple guys and when one of the guards Desired me to stand up and walk through she declared: "She can't walk!! You see the cane? *takes it from me and holds it up*!! Lol. She cannot walk!" A second male guard tried his hand and the first one said: "Forget it, I already tried. She is not coming out of that wheelchair." Finally a female guard came over, walked me through and patted me down while I sat!! This unnamed Woman took my shoes off, and tied them once I got them back on, she took my pouch off and put it back on, took my bag and laptop and phone, took everything out and put it all back!! This is huge for me because before Miami I would have felt like I 'had' to be independent. I can't have all these sighted people thinking I'm an invalid. In the VI *visually impaired* community just like in the sighted community, it's all about appearances. We aren't weak, we aren't stupid and we NEVER need help from sighted people, we can make our own way!! Of course then there's the other extreme *haven't heard of the National Federation for the Blind and wouldn't like them if they did*, because why make waves when they can sit at home and have their parents bathe them and wash their clothes and make their dinner for them? So there's two extremes and I've always tried to figure out where the hell I stood. Not a big fan of the NFB in the sense that they think sighted people are useless, but they have been very helpful in making websites and other things accessible to us. So. . . I Brag that I let go Monday and didn't think about the NFB or the non-NFB'ers, I just let go and let Goddess and felt no guilt whatsoever!!
I made it home safely and received the last of the money Friday in a check from SG Tat.
Thank you all again, I am eternally Greatful and Miami would not be what it was without all of you helping!!
Count me in for the SG commune!! Smile.
I came home and it's been one hell of a shock trying to integrate here. The family wanted to hang on me Monday and it took all I had to be polite and not say: "Get the fuck away from me! I hate you and wish I'd never come back here!" and that was BEFORE I found out Dad's answer about rent!!! Lol.
Monday, November 7, 2011
11-10-11 Miami As I Picture It!
So SG PR Melinda gave me a suggestion when I asked her how to find the meaning in my life *the current one* a week and a half ago or so and that suggestion was to either dive off the high dive by asking my Dad to allow me to keep my rent for the next 6 months *see my Bravest Holy Trinity Yet*!! OR to start off in the shallow end of the pool I could unpack my barbies and make them play out the life I Desire to have in the future.
Well, I dove off and asked Dad about the rent, waiting on the results of that. . . So I also decided to stick my toe in the shallow end of the pool and start off writing about How I Desire Miami to turn out!!
I don't own any barbies. Lol. Writing is definitely my platform anyway, I'm much better at writing and really like it as long as I'm writing for myself and not someone else. Plus, this isn't the first time I've heard of this exercise. SG Lissa has also recommended it in her Get Out Of Your Own Way!! booklet and modules. Only she describes it as playing a movie in your head of how you Desire your life to be. Writing to me is what movies and dreams are to others though, so I picked writing.
So, without further adieu DRUM ROLL PLEASE!!! Here is how my first day in Miami turns out, as pictured BEFOREHAND by me!!
I Brag I woke up completely refreshed today!!! It was 9AM and I wasn't draggin' butt!!!!
I Brag I got myself all packed yesterday and so today was a morning of relaxation!
I spent a couple hours with Dad bullshiting and joking around. We had a pancake breakfast at McDonalds and I was feeling completely at ease about getting from one airport to another. We got to Flint Bishop International a little after 12PM and I flirted my way through security!! The officers were mesmerized and thrilled to have me in their midst!!! I got through security with grace and was led to the waiting area.
I had about 20 minutes to spare and there was a hot Tamale Man sitting next to me!! Mexican, hair done up in dreads he was heading back home to San Antonio Texas!!! Bingo!!! SERIOUS driftwood for my own Desire to move to San Antonio!!! His accent rolled over me in waves and I nearly flirted him right out of his pants!!! Hahahaha!! We talked about the weather in TX and Miami verses Michigan. . . who new the weather could hold sooo many euphemisms for ahem. . . other things????? Lol! He said he was single but not currently looking. . . No matter, I got to practice my Womanly Art of Flirtation and that's all that counts!!
Time flew by and he walked me to the counter where we got our boarding passes! Turns out we both had to take connecting flights so we'd get to hang together!!! Then when we got on the plane I found out we were even seated next to each other!!! Fancy that!!
For the next half an hour I had one spicy conversation with Tamale Man. . . At one point I was mid sentence and he leaned over and kissed me! Just like that!! I new about being 'unbound' but I thought that happened, IN MIAMI!! I didn't realize I had any power to bring it before Miami!!!
I smiled widely, leaned forward and whispered in his ear in my most sultry voice: "What happened???? I thought you weren't looking Tamale Man. . ."
He lost any pretense and burst out laughing!
"Tamale Man? Seriously?"
I Grinned. "Yes, you heard me. . ."
His voice purred with Pleasure even though I made him laugh.
He said he wasn't used to getting a nickname so quickly. I pointed out that he hadn't given me his name. He said. . . ready for it!! He said his name was ELIAS!!! To top it off, he had a hot Tamale waiting for me alright!!!~!
Now it was my turn to crack up laughing!!!
"Didn't you give it a name or something? ELIAS JR or??"
"Or what?"
"Or. . . I don't know! Didn't you name it is my question!"
He laughed.
"Maybe I did, maybe I didn't."
"Oh, so that's how you're gonna play it. . ."
He chuckled. Then he grabbed my hand and kissed the back of it. Ahhhhh!!!! How'd he know????? Now I'm all tingly!!!
We carried on talking about nothing and everything. Turns out he's a huge NONPOINT fan himself!! Woohoo!! And of course, loves rock music in general!!! Yumyumyum!!! Now there's my purrfect catch!!
When we landed in Detroit he walked me to my connecting flight even though he had his own flight to catch!! We embraced for long moments and he told me to give him my cell. I HAD NOT planned on this, but I handed it over anyway and he input his number!! I have speed dial so his number was number 3, right after Dad's!! Not that I'll ever tell Dad this!! He told me to call him when I got home. He Desires to help me make the move!!
Before VPBC I would have been seriously concerned about this!!!!! Truth is though, he's a really nice guy and has left me feeling completely comfortable with him, which doesn't happen often!!
He thinks I'm an inspiration and EVERYONE NEEDS to hear my story! He's 30 and a freelance reporter!!! I'm sitting here in my hotel room pinching myself!!! I can't believe it!!! He was in michigan visiting family! He has a Baby Daughter to!!!! Again, more driftwood for my own Baby Girl I Desire!!! He and her mother broke up while she was pregnant. Eliana is 1 now and they just celebrated her BDay a week ago! I couldn't stop awwing and ahhing! I'm such a drooling fool when it comes to Babies!! He thinks it's adorable!
I had a two and a half hour wait for my connecting flight and he almost missed his own flight so caught up were we!
And here I was slightly displeased at my 'long wait'!! He said he wasn't prone to just leaning over and kissing someone. That just hadn't been his style. I asked him why he did it. I'm not sure I meant to ask it just kind of rushed out of me! Bad impulse control apparently! Lol. He said he didn't even know why. I just looked beautiful and I was glowing!
We hugged again and he kissed me AGAIN!!! Then the poor guy had to RUN to catch his flight!!! I waved. . . wonderers are now wondering!! Will anything happen next?
I caught my connecting flight from Detroit. I sat in a window seat and a Woman with a Baby sat next to me!! Did I mention DRIFTWOOD yet???? I Brag I wasn't shy or nervous!! I started chatting her up about where she was going and it turns out she was flying back to meet up with her husband. She had been staying with her family while he was deployed in Iraq and now that he was coming home to Miami she was ready to go back! She hadn't Desired to be alone and pregnant or alone with a new Baby. Baby started to fuss so I asked if I could hold her. She let me!!! Eeeeekkkk!!! I was sooooo excited!! Her name is Ana Elise. . . mmmmm think I like it!! When I took Spanish in high school my Spanish name was Ana and my math teacher Mister W *whom I had a huge crush on called me Anaelese. Lol.
She fell asleep in my arms and her mom Maria was able to get in a nap as well! I was thrilled to be of service!!
It turned out I didn't use my Ipod once this whole trip because I was occupied talking to strangers the whole time!!
I got in ahead of time at around 8:30 though I'd been told before we wouldn't be getting in until 8:54! Woohoo!!
I had a fabulous SG escort to dinner and then here to my hotel with yet another SG!!!!
She was so fabulous to open her doors to me!!!! Hugest of hugs Sister!!
So here I am writing and thinking about bed soon.
I caaaan't waaaait for tomorrow!!!! I'm soooooo excited I can bearly contain myself!!!
I Desire a fabulous sleep tonight to be prepared and rejuvinated for tomorrow!!!
With Love,
SG Chelle
Well, I dove off and asked Dad about the rent, waiting on the results of that. . . So I also decided to stick my toe in the shallow end of the pool and start off writing about How I Desire Miami to turn out!!
I don't own any barbies. Lol. Writing is definitely my platform anyway, I'm much better at writing and really like it as long as I'm writing for myself and not someone else. Plus, this isn't the first time I've heard of this exercise. SG Lissa has also recommended it in her Get Out Of Your Own Way!! booklet and modules. Only she describes it as playing a movie in your head of how you Desire your life to be. Writing to me is what movies and dreams are to others though, so I picked writing.
So, without further adieu DRUM ROLL PLEASE!!! Here is how my first day in Miami turns out, as pictured BEFOREHAND by me!!
I Brag I woke up completely refreshed today!!! It was 9AM and I wasn't draggin' butt!!!!
I Brag I got myself all packed yesterday and so today was a morning of relaxation!
I spent a couple hours with Dad bullshiting and joking around. We had a pancake breakfast at McDonalds and I was feeling completely at ease about getting from one airport to another. We got to Flint Bishop International a little after 12PM and I flirted my way through security!! The officers were mesmerized and thrilled to have me in their midst!!! I got through security with grace and was led to the waiting area.
I had about 20 minutes to spare and there was a hot Tamale Man sitting next to me!! Mexican, hair done up in dreads he was heading back home to San Antonio Texas!!! Bingo!!! SERIOUS driftwood for my own Desire to move to San Antonio!!! His accent rolled over me in waves and I nearly flirted him right out of his pants!!! Hahahaha!! We talked about the weather in TX and Miami verses Michigan. . . who new the weather could hold sooo many euphemisms for ahem. . . other things????? Lol! He said he was single but not currently looking. . . No matter, I got to practice my Womanly Art of Flirtation and that's all that counts!!
Time flew by and he walked me to the counter where we got our boarding passes! Turns out we both had to take connecting flights so we'd get to hang together!!! Then when we got on the plane I found out we were even seated next to each other!!! Fancy that!!
For the next half an hour I had one spicy conversation with Tamale Man. . . At one point I was mid sentence and he leaned over and kissed me! Just like that!! I new about being 'unbound' but I thought that happened, IN MIAMI!! I didn't realize I had any power to bring it before Miami!!!
I smiled widely, leaned forward and whispered in his ear in my most sultry voice: "What happened???? I thought you weren't looking Tamale Man. . ."
He lost any pretense and burst out laughing!
"Tamale Man? Seriously?"
I Grinned. "Yes, you heard me. . ."
His voice purred with Pleasure even though I made him laugh.
He said he wasn't used to getting a nickname so quickly. I pointed out that he hadn't given me his name. He said. . . ready for it!! He said his name was ELIAS!!! To top it off, he had a hot Tamale waiting for me alright!!!~!
Now it was my turn to crack up laughing!!!
"Didn't you give it a name or something? ELIAS JR or??"
"Or what?"
"Or. . . I don't know! Didn't you name it is my question!"
He laughed.
"Maybe I did, maybe I didn't."
"Oh, so that's how you're gonna play it. . ."
He chuckled. Then he grabbed my hand and kissed the back of it. Ahhhhh!!!! How'd he know????? Now I'm all tingly!!!
We carried on talking about nothing and everything. Turns out he's a huge NONPOINT fan himself!! Woohoo!! And of course, loves rock music in general!!! Yumyumyum!!! Now there's my purrfect catch!!
When we landed in Detroit he walked me to my connecting flight even though he had his own flight to catch!! We embraced for long moments and he told me to give him my cell. I HAD NOT planned on this, but I handed it over anyway and he input his number!! I have speed dial so his number was number 3, right after Dad's!! Not that I'll ever tell Dad this!! He told me to call him when I got home. He Desires to help me make the move!!
Before VPBC I would have been seriously concerned about this!!!!! Truth is though, he's a really nice guy and has left me feeling completely comfortable with him, which doesn't happen often!!
He thinks I'm an inspiration and EVERYONE NEEDS to hear my story! He's 30 and a freelance reporter!!! I'm sitting here in my hotel room pinching myself!!! I can't believe it!!! He was in michigan visiting family! He has a Baby Daughter to!!!! Again, more driftwood for my own Baby Girl I Desire!!! He and her mother broke up while she was pregnant. Eliana is 1 now and they just celebrated her BDay a week ago! I couldn't stop awwing and ahhing! I'm such a drooling fool when it comes to Babies!! He thinks it's adorable!
I had a two and a half hour wait for my connecting flight and he almost missed his own flight so caught up were we!
And here I was slightly displeased at my 'long wait'!! He said he wasn't prone to just leaning over and kissing someone. That just hadn't been his style. I asked him why he did it. I'm not sure I meant to ask it just kind of rushed out of me! Bad impulse control apparently! Lol. He said he didn't even know why. I just looked beautiful and I was glowing!
We hugged again and he kissed me AGAIN!!! Then the poor guy had to RUN to catch his flight!!! I waved. . . wonderers are now wondering!! Will anything happen next?
I caught my connecting flight from Detroit. I sat in a window seat and a Woman with a Baby sat next to me!! Did I mention DRIFTWOOD yet???? I Brag I wasn't shy or nervous!! I started chatting her up about where she was going and it turns out she was flying back to meet up with her husband. She had been staying with her family while he was deployed in Iraq and now that he was coming home to Miami she was ready to go back! She hadn't Desired to be alone and pregnant or alone with a new Baby. Baby started to fuss so I asked if I could hold her. She let me!!! Eeeeekkkk!!! I was sooooo excited!! Her name is Ana Elise. . . mmmmm think I like it!! When I took Spanish in high school my Spanish name was Ana and my math teacher Mister W *whom I had a huge crush on called me Anaelese. Lol.
She fell asleep in my arms and her mom Maria was able to get in a nap as well! I was thrilled to be of service!!
It turned out I didn't use my Ipod once this whole trip because I was occupied talking to strangers the whole time!!
I got in ahead of time at around 8:30 though I'd been told before we wouldn't be getting in until 8:54! Woohoo!!
I had a fabulous SG escort to dinner and then here to my hotel with yet another SG!!!!
She was so fabulous to open her doors to me!!!! Hugest of hugs Sister!!
So here I am writing and thinking about bed soon.
I caaaan't waaaait for tomorrow!!!! I'm soooooo excited I can bearly contain myself!!!
I Desire a fabulous sleep tonight to be prepared and rejuvinated for tomorrow!!!
With Love,
SG Chelle
Monday, October 31, 2011
The Ache
I sit here watching you and think "So close and yet so far." I imagine that if I just touched the TV, just put my hand there against it I would feel you. I can't say what makes me think this, it's just a feeling. I cried during "SMELLS LIKE TEEN SPIRIT" and "POLLY". I typically cry when they talk about your death. It's all so cold and impersonal. . . KURT COBAIN shot and killed himself. KURT COBAIN commited suicide." It's cut and dry. These are the facts but I cry. So tonight there was none of that, just a show, the one from Paramount 10/31/91. . . 20 years later on the exact same date. And yet, I have this feeling that you being gone know something that I don't yet know. You possess some knowledge of life and death that I don't. The cat was chasing something or nothing, but I wondered if it was you. Wondered if you were here as I cried and if she was chasing you, if that was why I was convinced I could touch the screen on the TV and feel you there. Maybe I cried because it's Halloween and at it's basic level, it is a night to celebrate the dead, even if that actualy happens a day or two later. Maybe it's because I've been watching so many near death experience shows "I Survived: Beyond. . ." Or maybe it's that space time continuum show I watched on the History II channel. Maybe it's a combination of these or none of these. All I know is that I've found myself in this place again, the place where I go often, where I contemplate life and death and time and space, though I'm back in the chair writing this looking directly across at the TV and still expecting it. You're voice is squeaking as you scream "GOTTA FIND A WAY, A BETTER WAY, BEEEEETTEEEEEER WAAAAAAY!!" It's the end of "TERRITORIAL PISSINGS" and I smile at the squeak you've done. I adore it, think it's 'cute' and 'adorable' and the way the song is jumping, the instruments, it's like their three people of their own, jumping up and down of their own acord as you scream. This thought really does make me smile. And now we're into the thick of "ENDLESS NAMELESS" The word "DISTRUCTION" is really what pops into my head here. It may be "ENDLESS" and "NAMELESS", but DISTRUCTION is what comes to mind anyway.
I wonder if when I was born in 86 if my parents had any idea, even a tiny inkling that 25 years later I'd be sitting here glued to the screen contemplating this performance and you as though under a microscope, a dissection project I'm getting graded on and have to get right. They probably didn't but that's no matter. I think the real contemplation tonight is this: What if you did give me my answer? I still feel you here, am positive the cat was chasing you, you were playing with her and though she's quieted, I can still feel you as "ENDLESS NAMELESS" comes to a close, the final strains of it being pounded out in slow motion. It's really over now and the audience roars.
Thank you for being with me tonight, for contemplating with me though I have no idea what the answer is. Besides, like I said, what if you did just give me my answer?
PEACE, LOVE, EMPATHY,
Chelle
I wonder if when I was born in 86 if my parents had any idea, even a tiny inkling that 25 years later I'd be sitting here glued to the screen contemplating this performance and you as though under a microscope, a dissection project I'm getting graded on and have to get right. They probably didn't but that's no matter. I think the real contemplation tonight is this: What if you did give me my answer? I still feel you here, am positive the cat was chasing you, you were playing with her and though she's quieted, I can still feel you as "ENDLESS NAMELESS" comes to a close, the final strains of it being pounded out in slow motion. It's really over now and the audience roars.
Thank you for being with me tonight, for contemplating with me though I have no idea what the answer is. Besides, like I said, what if you did just give me my answer?
PEACE, LOVE, EMPATHY,
Chelle
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Chap1
She stood over the third body this week. Three bodies, 7 days. . . this wasn't good.
And it was only going to get worse.
Her radio crackled to life. It was the Captain.
"We got a fourth vic Mel. Corner of Serano and Pedro."
She sighed.
"K Cap. . . Be there when I'm finished here."
She looked down again. Why a little girl? What could a little girl possibly do that would warrant being abused like this? She remembered reading a book on a rap star. The author noted that men were believed to be much more violent than women. Apparently not true.
Mel headed back to the car. She wondered where the hell her partner was! He was supposed to be her partner anyway. . . bastard had missed again! She slammed the car door. She'd fill him in later.
The fourth vic was another adult. Back to adults??? Why pick a child at all then!!
Now it was 4 bodies in one week, two in one day! If she had thought it wasn't good before, it really wasn't good now.
Mira smiled to herself. She had cooked up the best plan yet and couldn't wait for her twin Mel to find out. She clapped her hands together and shouted "Yaaaaay!!!" to her silent apartment. Mel was a seasoned homicide detective. Mira was a seasoned. . . well, Mel would find out soon what she was.
She hopped in her truck prepared to drop off 8 more vics. The only downside. . . she should have dumped them sooner. They were decaying and it didn't exactly smell like roses! She's have to wash the truck bed down after she left them. Even better than that though, was where she would leave them. . . Mel's doorstep and better still??? The DNA Mel's cop buddies would find. . . would be Mel's!!!! She smiled to herself again. Oh she couldn't wait for this little discovery!!
And it was only going to get worse.
Her radio crackled to life. It was the Captain.
"We got a fourth vic Mel. Corner of Serano and Pedro."
She sighed.
"K Cap. . . Be there when I'm finished here."
She looked down again. Why a little girl? What could a little girl possibly do that would warrant being abused like this? She remembered reading a book on a rap star. The author noted that men were believed to be much more violent than women. Apparently not true.
Mel headed back to the car. She wondered where the hell her partner was! He was supposed to be her partner anyway. . . bastard had missed again! She slammed the car door. She'd fill him in later.
The fourth vic was another adult. Back to adults??? Why pick a child at all then!!
Now it was 4 bodies in one week, two in one day! If she had thought it wasn't good before, it really wasn't good now.
Mira smiled to herself. She had cooked up the best plan yet and couldn't wait for her twin Mel to find out. She clapped her hands together and shouted "Yaaaaay!!!" to her silent apartment. Mel was a seasoned homicide detective. Mira was a seasoned. . . well, Mel would find out soon what she was.
She hopped in her truck prepared to drop off 8 more vics. The only downside. . . she should have dumped them sooner. They were decaying and it didn't exactly smell like roses! She's have to wash the truck bed down after she left them. Even better than that though, was where she would leave them. . . Mel's doorstep and better still??? The DNA Mel's cop buddies would find. . . would be Mel's!!!! She smiled to herself again. Oh she couldn't wait for this little discovery!!
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Gorgeous Day Turns To Swamp-Rot!
I'm posting this, HERE, ON MY BLOG, BECAUSE I CAN!! Swearing and mentions of cutting and pill taking! If you don't Desire to read it, get the hell off my page!
As you may have gathered, I posted this on some forums and they had problems with it, which is why it's getting posted here.
To those who do read it, thank you. I feel honored and privileged to be witnessed by you!!
So. . . I wrote this a few weeks ago before VPBC started, but then
found out we had no swamp forums. . . However, it's a few weeks later,
I've seen the swamp mentioned despite us newbies not knowing 'exactly'
what it is, and for me I've also read about it on the boards, but Mama
doesn't go in depth till you take Mastery.
Point is, I had this swell Brag!!!!! Then I hopped in the shower this
evening and my brain said: "Fuck this shit! I'm fuckin' pissed!!! I
usually don't mind thinking in the shower as I usually think good
thoughts and when I lay down to Self Pleasure I start focussing on
that and everything else can take a backseat most of the time. Today
was a pretty good day to, so I'm not sure where the shit even came
from. Of course. . . Pussy got pissed and said: "Fuck this!!! Your
pissed and I'm in no mood for sex!" I carried on anyway and did
eventually orgasm, but unlike those women who have sex when their
pissed, it didn't work for me. I got out of the shower and was still
pissed. About anything and everything! I've been saying "I'm
beautiful." and "My Body is beautiful." for weeks now when I get in
the shower. I've tried variations to, but I was washing my hair
tonight, said it once and thought: "Bullshit!! What the fuck is
this??? I don't even believe in this bullshit and I've been saying it
for like 3-4 months now!!" Of course, I haven't been able to come up
with anything else to say, so I've just stuck with it. Even my "I have
the most gorgeous Pussy in the world! I give her the greatest of
Pleasure and she gives me whatever I Desire!" isn't working. It does
work better then the other two, I do at least feel it sometimes when I
say it, but the other two are awash completely.
Anyway, point is, I have no idea what's going on, I'm totally enraged
and feel like putting my fist through a wall or something! So here is
what I originally wrote and my swamps.
Originally written 9/9/11: No wonder I was swamping, my brother died
9/7/09 of an overdose!
I love SG.com, I really, really, really do and I looooove Bragging,
giving Gratitudes and Desiring!!!
However, may I just say, I've been waiting since Febuary when I joined
the global forums to SWAMP!!!! I wasn't swamping in private, just like
I haven't been spring cleaning with 'myself'.
So thrilled the VPBC forums are open for business!!!!!
I swamp old songs that are absolutely fabulous but that remind me of a
time I desperately miss!!! And/or people who are no longer with us!
Selena's "I Could Fall In Love With You" is what brought this
particular swamp out. I'm sitting here weeping and thinking of my
brother and Selena, who had an amazing career just waiting for her!!
She was amazing and her career could have been so much more then what
it turned out to be!
I swamp old thought patterns wherein the new SG part of me shouts to
the rooftops: "I Desire a fabulous Birthday!!!!!!!!!" only to have
Kosmic Killer Kim *AKA my mother* drop into my head and say: "You've
rarely had a fabulous Birthday! What the fuck makes you think your
going to get one now!!??? Or in fact, what the fuck makes you think
you deserve one???"
I swamp not crying exactly when I Desire to because I fear losing
control and drawing attention from my family!
I swamp that when they were gone over Labor Day weekend I was feeling
great because I was alone and now this damned swamp comes up!
I swamp not calling forth these swampy emotions when they were gone so
I could scream, yell, throw myself on the floor and have an all out
temper tantrum!!!
I swamp procrastination!
These emotions have been in me forever but I've continually fought the
urge to write them down!
I swamp the cost of the Raleigh in Miami which freaked me the fuck out
when I discovered how bloody expensive it was!
I swamp allowing Dad's money issues to get into my head as well, which
is what got me freaking out about Miami and thinking that even if I
had the money for the room I wouldn't have money for ANYTHING else,
eating, shopping and most importantly, getting myself to and from the
hotel to the airport/airport to hotel!
I swamp not cursing as much as I Desire to!
This swamp would look like an Eminem song if I allowed it to but I haven't!
I swamp not having an SC partner!
I swamp anger, guilt, pain, regret, self-loathing/self-hate, lack of
transportation, being a virgin, fucking flies that KNOW I hate them
and buzz around my head with impunity also KNOWING I can't see them
and therefore can't KILL them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I swamp rageaholic tendencies that I don't unleash, my inability to
break, crush, smash, demolish and otherwise destroy everything in my
path, rippin' it all up by it's fucking roots and setting it all on
fire!!!!!!
I swamp surgeries and the feelings of ugliness, worthlessness and
brokenness they leave behind!
I swamp uncaring, unfeeling, fucked up, apathetic humanbeings who
won't pull their heads out of their asses long enough to turn around
and look at me and say: "I see you. . ."!
Three little words that they won't fucking say!
I swamp the feelings of rage, homicidal and suicidal tendencies that
have off and on plagued me since I was a tiny girl!
I swamp motherfucking cocksucking mental illness in all it's forms
that has ripped me up inside and laid waste to my mother and brother
and nearly took me out as well!
I swamp not being treated like the Sister Goddess I am, all the time, 24/7!!!
I swamp that the next thing that pops into my head after I write that
is: "Get the fuck up and start fucking serving me noooooooow! Right
fucking noooow!!!"
I swamp not being cared for in a proper manner after surgery, learning
from a young age to bury my feelings of agony and anguish deep down
inside where noone would see them!!!
I swamp not having friends since I was a little girl!
Anyone can acrue the false, fake ones who pretend they'll be there for
you, and I did to, but not having a handful of great friends who live
nearby and share my interests??? It pisses me off!!!
I swamp thinking that others are 'better' and 'deserve better' because
they 'are' better then I am and that's why they have friends close by,
family who actually bends over backwards for them the way they bend
over backwards for said family, and the reason I don't is because I'm
a worthless piece of shit whose only job in life is to kneel down and
lick the shit off someone else's boots while they kick and punch me
with their words!
I swamp the world in all it's hatred and evil and murder and bloodlust
and thereby find that I am even swamping myself, for I am rage and I
am hate and I am murder and I am bloodthirsty and power/money hungry
and a ravenous bloodsucking bitch!!!!
Add ons for this EARLY morning 10/4:
I swamp that I don't fucking care that I'm a bloodthirsty power/money
hungry ravenous bloodsucking bitch!!!! In fact, I want more and I want
it now!! From my bloated putrid self to your ears and back again!
I swamp shitty birthdays and a shitty mother, shitty false friends
from school and asshole adults who thought bullying me was just a case
of kids will be kids!!
I swamp no sense of safety and security, no sense of self worth and
self confidence, and noone realizing the hell I was suffering in as a
child!
I swamp people knowing my hell now but still appearing not to care, or
not to care 'ENOUGH' to help me/give me advice on how to fix it!
I swamp repeatedly reaching out, asking for help and advice,
confessing that I don't have all the answers and getting nothing in
return but empty meaningless words.
I swamp receiving words where I desire actions!!
I swamp the feeling of guilt that rises as I commit my true feelings
to this blog and wait for it to be taken down, or for someone to tell
me 'how good' I have it!!
I swamp that it was more alright to show rage in my family then it was
to show agony and yet here I am with all this rage, so it appears I
haven't yet raged enough even though I did rage!!!
I swamp feeling like I've turned my world upside down and being 4
weeks into VPBC and feeling all these shifts and changes, but not
understanding where I'm going or even who the fuck this bitch is
writing this blog tonight!
I swamp being the happy girl when the truth is, waaaaaaaaaaay deep
down inside, I still feel like cutting or taking a few pills 'for
fun'!
I swamp that for me, true Pleasure, Ultimate Pleasure, still lies in a
very few things: being at a rock show, holding a Baby Human/Animal,
and yes, I'm saying it, taking a few pills. I resist the urge when I
have pills around me and when I don't have them there's nothing to
resist because they aren't there, but I still equate them with. . .
not even fun, just 'feeling better' then I do. Cutting isn't even so
much 'fun' as it is relief. It doesn't even hurt and because it
doesn't hurt, as my brother once said, watching and in my case,
feeling the blood run down my arm takes the pressure off. It takes
away all this emotion I don't know how to release. Hm. . . the thought
occurs to me, perhaps I'm not SC'ing enough? There that word goes
again, 'enough'.
I swamp 'enough' and what it implies, to me the same thing as 'lack'
or the idea that I'm 'not doing something right'! I HATE that feeling!
I swamp telling you all this and then Desiring mightily to retract it
so you won't 'worry' about me!
I swamp inconveniencing you all!
I swamp still not having a roommate for Miami and thinking I won't get
one, let alone two or three because one I don't deserve it and two if
there was a roommate out there for me after she reads this blog I can
kiss her goodbye!
I swamp my brother's death, KURT's death, Snowball and Grace's and
Duke Senior's deaths!
I swamp the feelings that come with them, that in all but one case
*KURT'S* I didn't do enough, didn't try hard enough, didn't do my
absolute best for them!
Snowball had a vet apt for December 3rd and died the day before
Thanksgiving 2009. Grace died 1/23/09 at 4:45PM.
I swamp that I sat on her paws that morning when I went to check the
answering machine and she didn't growl at me like she usually did and
I apologized and moved on with my day.
I swamp that I didn't give her a bath like I had planned to before she died.
I swamp that I spanked her really hard for biting Izabella and even
made her cry and she was abused so I shouldn't have spanked her,
EVER!!!!
I swamp that I feel like I 'should have known' that she was going to
die that day, simply based on the small things like her not growling
at me or not moving around as much and therefore should have
apologized again for punishing her though that was probably a year
before she died and I should have apologized for not giving her a bath
and for sitting on her paws!
I swamp the weird things that get stuck in your head when someone dies
like that, the things I find myself fixating on even years later, like
sitting on her paws!
I can't even say this stuff out loud without bursting into tears and I
swamp myself for being so weak!!
I swamp not getting her to the vet fast enough!
We called them and they gave us the number to the emergency vet, but
noone was on call until 5.
I swamp Rebecca grabbing me and holding onto me and crying that Grace
wasn't dead, she just wasn't breathing and asking me to agree with
her, to tell her she was right and Grace just wasn't breathing!!!
I swamp that in that moment I hated her for it and wanted to hit her!
I swamp wanting to kick Becca who was lying on the floor bawling like
it was her Baby that had died and it wasn't, it was mine!
I swamp that I wasn't the one on the floor!!
I swamp my inability to hide with Grace in my room, to just run into
my room, slam and lock the door and just lay with her body forever and
ever!!!
I swamp all the times I didn't go visit Mark *my brother* at his house!
I swamp all the times I didn't hug him tighter, longer, all the times
I didn't say I love you, all the times he wouldn't let me be there for
him!
I swamp the last time I ever saw him, I hugged him and told him he had
to get and stay clean, to take care of himself and he said: "I will. .
." and he left and the next thing I heard he was dead!
I swamp not knowing!!! If I had known, I'd have stood in our driveway
holding him and NEVER letting go, EVER, for anything!!! I would have
died with him!
I swamp letting Duke Senior off the hook so I could hook Sadie up for
her potty break, which allowed him to run to the junkyard and that
when he was making his run back to our house, that was when he got
hit!!
I swamp not finding the bastards who purposely struck him and killing
them like they killed him!
I swamp my sister sitting out in the frigid November air, holding his
body for hours and just one week and three days later having to say
goodbye to Snow, again because of my horrible oversight!
I swamp how incompetent this all makes me feel and how much it all hurts!
I swamp that my family treats death the way others treat sex, that it
is NOT to be talked about, ever, under any circumstance!
I swamp that that attitude has allowed this to build up and blow out
tonight of all nights!!!
I swamp being so fucking attached to people and animals, that it hurts
sooooo badly when they die that it kills off pieces of me in tiny bits
and humongous chunks!
I swamp that I really am hopeless, because even hearing people talk
about KURT'S death kills me!
I swamp being totally swamped out and wishing to just crawl into bed,
hide under the covers and cry until I can't breathe and the snot
covers my entire face and the sobs drown out everything else in me
from my heartbeat to my thoughts!
As you may have gathered, I posted this on some forums and they had problems with it, which is why it's getting posted here.
To those who do read it, thank you. I feel honored and privileged to be witnessed by you!!
So. . . I wrote this a few weeks ago before VPBC started, but then
found out we had no swamp forums. . . However, it's a few weeks later,
I've seen the swamp mentioned despite us newbies not knowing 'exactly'
what it is, and for me I've also read about it on the boards, but Mama
doesn't go in depth till you take Mastery.
Point is, I had this swell Brag!!!!! Then I hopped in the shower this
evening and my brain said: "Fuck this shit! I'm fuckin' pissed!!! I
usually don't mind thinking in the shower as I usually think good
thoughts and when I lay down to Self Pleasure I start focussing on
that and everything else can take a backseat most of the time. Today
was a pretty good day to, so I'm not sure where the shit even came
from. Of course. . . Pussy got pissed and said: "Fuck this!!! Your
pissed and I'm in no mood for sex!" I carried on anyway and did
eventually orgasm, but unlike those women who have sex when their
pissed, it didn't work for me. I got out of the shower and was still
pissed. About anything and everything! I've been saying "I'm
beautiful." and "My Body is beautiful." for weeks now when I get in
the shower. I've tried variations to, but I was washing my hair
tonight, said it once and thought: "Bullshit!! What the fuck is
this??? I don't even believe in this bullshit and I've been saying it
for like 3-4 months now!!" Of course, I haven't been able to come up
with anything else to say, so I've just stuck with it. Even my "I have
the most gorgeous Pussy in the world! I give her the greatest of
Pleasure and she gives me whatever I Desire!" isn't working. It does
work better then the other two, I do at least feel it sometimes when I
say it, but the other two are awash completely.
Anyway, point is, I have no idea what's going on, I'm totally enraged
and feel like putting my fist through a wall or something! So here is
what I originally wrote and my swamps.
Originally written 9/9/11: No wonder I was swamping, my brother died
9/7/09 of an overdose!
I love SG.com, I really, really, really do and I looooove Bragging,
giving Gratitudes and Desiring!!!
However, may I just say, I've been waiting since Febuary when I joined
the global forums to SWAMP!!!! I wasn't swamping in private, just like
I haven't been spring cleaning with 'myself'.
So thrilled the VPBC forums are open for business!!!!!
I swamp old songs that are absolutely fabulous but that remind me of a
time I desperately miss!!! And/or people who are no longer with us!
Selena's "I Could Fall In Love With You" is what brought this
particular swamp out. I'm sitting here weeping and thinking of my
brother and Selena, who had an amazing career just waiting for her!!
She was amazing and her career could have been so much more then what
it turned out to be!
I swamp old thought patterns wherein the new SG part of me shouts to
the rooftops: "I Desire a fabulous Birthday!!!!!!!!!" only to have
Kosmic Killer Kim *AKA my mother* drop into my head and say: "You've
rarely had a fabulous Birthday! What the fuck makes you think your
going to get one now!!??? Or in fact, what the fuck makes you think
you deserve one???"
I swamp not crying exactly when I Desire to because I fear losing
control and drawing attention from my family!
I swamp that when they were gone over Labor Day weekend I was feeling
great because I was alone and now this damned swamp comes up!
I swamp not calling forth these swampy emotions when they were gone so
I could scream, yell, throw myself on the floor and have an all out
temper tantrum!!!
I swamp procrastination!
These emotions have been in me forever but I've continually fought the
urge to write them down!
I swamp the cost of the Raleigh in Miami which freaked me the fuck out
when I discovered how bloody expensive it was!
I swamp allowing Dad's money issues to get into my head as well, which
is what got me freaking out about Miami and thinking that even if I
had the money for the room I wouldn't have money for ANYTHING else,
eating, shopping and most importantly, getting myself to and from the
hotel to the airport/airport to hotel!
I swamp not cursing as much as I Desire to!
This swamp would look like an Eminem song if I allowed it to but I haven't!
I swamp not having an SC partner!
I swamp anger, guilt, pain, regret, self-loathing/self-hate, lack of
transportation, being a virgin, fucking flies that KNOW I hate them
and buzz around my head with impunity also KNOWING I can't see them
and therefore can't KILL them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I swamp rageaholic tendencies that I don't unleash, my inability to
break, crush, smash, demolish and otherwise destroy everything in my
path, rippin' it all up by it's fucking roots and setting it all on
fire!!!!!!
I swamp surgeries and the feelings of ugliness, worthlessness and
brokenness they leave behind!
I swamp uncaring, unfeeling, fucked up, apathetic humanbeings who
won't pull their heads out of their asses long enough to turn around
and look at me and say: "I see you. . ."!
Three little words that they won't fucking say!
I swamp the feelings of rage, homicidal and suicidal tendencies that
have off and on plagued me since I was a tiny girl!
I swamp motherfucking cocksucking mental illness in all it's forms
that has ripped me up inside and laid waste to my mother and brother
and nearly took me out as well!
I swamp not being treated like the Sister Goddess I am, all the time, 24/7!!!
I swamp that the next thing that pops into my head after I write that
is: "Get the fuck up and start fucking serving me noooooooow! Right
fucking noooow!!!"
I swamp not being cared for in a proper manner after surgery, learning
from a young age to bury my feelings of agony and anguish deep down
inside where noone would see them!!!
I swamp not having friends since I was a little girl!
Anyone can acrue the false, fake ones who pretend they'll be there for
you, and I did to, but not having a handful of great friends who live
nearby and share my interests??? It pisses me off!!!
I swamp thinking that others are 'better' and 'deserve better' because
they 'are' better then I am and that's why they have friends close by,
family who actually bends over backwards for them the way they bend
over backwards for said family, and the reason I don't is because I'm
a worthless piece of shit whose only job in life is to kneel down and
lick the shit off someone else's boots while they kick and punch me
with their words!
I swamp the world in all it's hatred and evil and murder and bloodlust
and thereby find that I am even swamping myself, for I am rage and I
am hate and I am murder and I am bloodthirsty and power/money hungry
and a ravenous bloodsucking bitch!!!!
Add ons for this EARLY morning 10/4:
I swamp that I don't fucking care that I'm a bloodthirsty power/money
hungry ravenous bloodsucking bitch!!!! In fact, I want more and I want
it now!! From my bloated putrid self to your ears and back again!
I swamp shitty birthdays and a shitty mother, shitty false friends
from school and asshole adults who thought bullying me was just a case
of kids will be kids!!
I swamp no sense of safety and security, no sense of self worth and
self confidence, and noone realizing the hell I was suffering in as a
child!
I swamp people knowing my hell now but still appearing not to care, or
not to care 'ENOUGH' to help me/give me advice on how to fix it!
I swamp repeatedly reaching out, asking for help and advice,
confessing that I don't have all the answers and getting nothing in
return but empty meaningless words.
I swamp receiving words where I desire actions!!
I swamp the feeling of guilt that rises as I commit my true feelings
to this blog and wait for it to be taken down, or for someone to tell
me 'how good' I have it!!
I swamp that it was more alright to show rage in my family then it was
to show agony and yet here I am with all this rage, so it appears I
haven't yet raged enough even though I did rage!!!
I swamp feeling like I've turned my world upside down and being 4
weeks into VPBC and feeling all these shifts and changes, but not
understanding where I'm going or even who the fuck this bitch is
writing this blog tonight!
I swamp being the happy girl when the truth is, waaaaaaaaaaay deep
down inside, I still feel like cutting or taking a few pills 'for
fun'!
I swamp that for me, true Pleasure, Ultimate Pleasure, still lies in a
very few things: being at a rock show, holding a Baby Human/Animal,
and yes, I'm saying it, taking a few pills. I resist the urge when I
have pills around me and when I don't have them there's nothing to
resist because they aren't there, but I still equate them with. . .
not even fun, just 'feeling better' then I do. Cutting isn't even so
much 'fun' as it is relief. It doesn't even hurt and because it
doesn't hurt, as my brother once said, watching and in my case,
feeling the blood run down my arm takes the pressure off. It takes
away all this emotion I don't know how to release. Hm. . . the thought
occurs to me, perhaps I'm not SC'ing enough? There that word goes
again, 'enough'.
I swamp 'enough' and what it implies, to me the same thing as 'lack'
or the idea that I'm 'not doing something right'! I HATE that feeling!
I swamp telling you all this and then Desiring mightily to retract it
so you won't 'worry' about me!
I swamp inconveniencing you all!
I swamp still not having a roommate for Miami and thinking I won't get
one, let alone two or three because one I don't deserve it and two if
there was a roommate out there for me after she reads this blog I can
kiss her goodbye!
I swamp my brother's death, KURT's death, Snowball and Grace's and
Duke Senior's deaths!
I swamp the feelings that come with them, that in all but one case
*KURT'S* I didn't do enough, didn't try hard enough, didn't do my
absolute best for them!
Snowball had a vet apt for December 3rd and died the day before
Thanksgiving 2009. Grace died 1/23/09 at 4:45PM.
I swamp that I sat on her paws that morning when I went to check the
answering machine and she didn't growl at me like she usually did and
I apologized and moved on with my day.
I swamp that I didn't give her a bath like I had planned to before she died.
I swamp that I spanked her really hard for biting Izabella and even
made her cry and she was abused so I shouldn't have spanked her,
EVER!!!!
I swamp that I feel like I 'should have known' that she was going to
die that day, simply based on the small things like her not growling
at me or not moving around as much and therefore should have
apologized again for punishing her though that was probably a year
before she died and I should have apologized for not giving her a bath
and for sitting on her paws!
I swamp the weird things that get stuck in your head when someone dies
like that, the things I find myself fixating on even years later, like
sitting on her paws!
I can't even say this stuff out loud without bursting into tears and I
swamp myself for being so weak!!
I swamp not getting her to the vet fast enough!
We called them and they gave us the number to the emergency vet, but
noone was on call until 5.
I swamp Rebecca grabbing me and holding onto me and crying that Grace
wasn't dead, she just wasn't breathing and asking me to agree with
her, to tell her she was right and Grace just wasn't breathing!!!
I swamp that in that moment I hated her for it and wanted to hit her!
I swamp wanting to kick Becca who was lying on the floor bawling like
it was her Baby that had died and it wasn't, it was mine!
I swamp that I wasn't the one on the floor!!
I swamp my inability to hide with Grace in my room, to just run into
my room, slam and lock the door and just lay with her body forever and
ever!!!
I swamp all the times I didn't go visit Mark *my brother* at his house!
I swamp all the times I didn't hug him tighter, longer, all the times
I didn't say I love you, all the times he wouldn't let me be there for
him!
I swamp the last time I ever saw him, I hugged him and told him he had
to get and stay clean, to take care of himself and he said: "I will. .
." and he left and the next thing I heard he was dead!
I swamp not knowing!!! If I had known, I'd have stood in our driveway
holding him and NEVER letting go, EVER, for anything!!! I would have
died with him!
I swamp letting Duke Senior off the hook so I could hook Sadie up for
her potty break, which allowed him to run to the junkyard and that
when he was making his run back to our house, that was when he got
hit!!
I swamp not finding the bastards who purposely struck him and killing
them like they killed him!
I swamp my sister sitting out in the frigid November air, holding his
body for hours and just one week and three days later having to say
goodbye to Snow, again because of my horrible oversight!
I swamp how incompetent this all makes me feel and how much it all hurts!
I swamp that my family treats death the way others treat sex, that it
is NOT to be talked about, ever, under any circumstance!
I swamp that that attitude has allowed this to build up and blow out
tonight of all nights!!!
I swamp being so fucking attached to people and animals, that it hurts
sooooo badly when they die that it kills off pieces of me in tiny bits
and humongous chunks!
I swamp that I really am hopeless, because even hearing people talk
about KURT'S death kills me!
I swamp being totally swamped out and wishing to just crawl into bed,
hide under the covers and cry until I can't breathe and the snot
covers my entire face and the sobs drown out everything else in me
from my heartbeat to my thoughts!
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Thank you Dear Readers!
Hello Readers!!,
So I HAD a schedule when I first started posting here! The deal was I'd post every Monday. Wednesday and Fridays were possibilities, but taking a lesson taught me by a friend and coach, I didn't want to lock myself in to early and get overwhelmed and not have things to write about, or alternately, overbook myself.
*Before we go any further, please don't mind spelling! I'll do my best to fix it as I pride myself on being a great speller, but I'm on my 'old' Dell Inspiron Mini 10, and the keyboard is crap. It isn't really old, it was just bought in January of 2010 when I was down at the louisiana school for the blind. My 'New' Dell Inspiron Mini 1018, which I just bought this Febuary, has lost it's arrow down key, which is very very bad, because almost every command I use, involves that key! Lol. Examples include arrowing down through text on Facebook and here at Gmail, or lists of song or movie titles in my music and movie folders. I also use it in conjunction with the F key to page down and I use it and the home key to read an entire text document *like this blog when I'm done typing it*. So you can see why I had to switch computers! But, on this keyboard, though no keys are 'missing', my S O and I keys aren't working properly, so if you see any of those letters missing, that's why. I have to press down on them harder than on my other keys to get them to type! Lol. Yes, I'm kinda rough on my poor keyboards! Great news is that I have bought a new keyboard for the Dell Inspiron Mini I'm on now. The bad news is I can't find a keyboard for the 1018! CRY! Lol. Oh well, it shall arrive under grace and at the perfect time*!
Anyway, back to my life.
That WAS my schedule, until my stepmom went into the hospital. To make a very long story short, she went in for a surgery to remove a tumor the size of a watermelon! *Good news, it's benign*! However, she has had asthma for a looong time now, and it picked that day to act up. She was on the OR table when her airway and one lung collapsed. She was at 35% oxygen for aprox. 35-45 minutes. When they got her stabalized and moved her out of surgery, she was taken to the critical care unit.
She got out of the hospital Tuesday night *it's been two weeks now*, and has been home resting comfortably since then. The brain damage is minimal thus far, she has trouble remembering where some things are located and what some things are called, but other than that she's doing well.
Needless to say, I'd been writing about surgeries and I was hit with the realization of just how much I've disconnected from them. That doesn't really make sense I know, but I have. I worry about pre-op. Will they get a needle in on the first try? If they don't, how many times will they have to stick me? And post-op. How much pain will I wake up in? How long will I be restricted from the foods I love? How long before I can go home? Did they remember to give me anti-nausea meds along with the anesthesia?
I don't worry about 'the ssurgery' itself. I don't think: What will happen on the table? I'm thinking about when will I wake up, not WILL I wake up? So I realized that even though I've told you all stories, I've just bearly scratched the surface of what really goes on.
Part of it is that I don't know what goes on. Thank Goddess I've never woken up in the middle of a surgery or anything terrible like that. But on the other hand. . . my body has completely disconnected from it and I've disconnected from my body.
Once I had that realization I didn't know what to do with it and it took nearly three weeks to discuss it with my coach.
I'm thrilled that I've discussed it, I just don't know where to go from here. Or rather, what to write about. I feel like I need to satisfactorally close this chapter, but I don't know how to.
I have more surgeries to come, so even if I do close it here, it won't really be closed.
I don't tend to write in a linear fashion, but I'm not sure what to say after that.
The idea that we almost lost her shook me up good.
The idea that I was so disconnected from my body, even more than I realized shook me up and made me feel like a bit of a fraud *in terms of writing here*.
I don't feel like a fraud anymore, and I'm not all that shook up about my stepmom now that I know she's alright.
There has been a lasting impact on me though, and I'm not sure how to put it into words, which is rarely a problem for me.
I'm not even sure how to wrap up this post. . .
This is all I have for now though, and I hope you all enjoy it, at least to the extent that you know what's going on with me.
Thank you very, very, very much for reading and commenting and if any of you are sharing my blogs, thank you for that to!
With more to come,
Chelle
So I HAD a schedule when I first started posting here! The deal was I'd post every Monday. Wednesday and Fridays were possibilities, but taking a lesson taught me by a friend and coach, I didn't want to lock myself in to early and get overwhelmed and not have things to write about, or alternately, overbook myself.
*Before we go any further, please don't mind spelling! I'll do my best to fix it as I pride myself on being a great speller, but I'm on my 'old' Dell Inspiron Mini 10, and the keyboard is crap. It isn't really old, it was just bought in January of 2010 when I was down at the louisiana school for the blind. My 'New' Dell Inspiron Mini 1018, which I just bought this Febuary, has lost it's arrow down key, which is very very bad, because almost every command I use, involves that key! Lol. Examples include arrowing down through text on Facebook and here at Gmail, or lists of song or movie titles in my music and movie folders. I also use it in conjunction with the F key to page down and I use it and the home key to read an entire text document *like this blog when I'm done typing it*. So you can see why I had to switch computers! But, on this keyboard, though no keys are 'missing', my S O and I keys aren't working properly, so if you see any of those letters missing, that's why. I have to press down on them harder than on my other keys to get them to type! Lol. Yes, I'm kinda rough on my poor keyboards! Great news is that I have bought a new keyboard for the Dell Inspiron Mini I'm on now. The bad news is I can't find a keyboard for the 1018! CRY! Lol. Oh well, it shall arrive under grace and at the perfect time*!
Anyway, back to my life.
That WAS my schedule, until my stepmom went into the hospital. To make a very long story short, she went in for a surgery to remove a tumor the size of a watermelon! *Good news, it's benign*! However, she has had asthma for a looong time now, and it picked that day to act up. She was on the OR table when her airway and one lung collapsed. She was at 35% oxygen for aprox. 35-45 minutes. When they got her stabalized and moved her out of surgery, she was taken to the critical care unit.
She got out of the hospital Tuesday night *it's been two weeks now*, and has been home resting comfortably since then. The brain damage is minimal thus far, she has trouble remembering where some things are located and what some things are called, but other than that she's doing well.
Needless to say, I'd been writing about surgeries and I was hit with the realization of just how much I've disconnected from them. That doesn't really make sense I know, but I have. I worry about pre-op. Will they get a needle in on the first try? If they don't, how many times will they have to stick me? And post-op. How much pain will I wake up in? How long will I be restricted from the foods I love? How long before I can go home? Did they remember to give me anti-nausea meds along with the anesthesia?
I don't worry about 'the ssurgery' itself. I don't think: What will happen on the table? I'm thinking about when will I wake up, not WILL I wake up? So I realized that even though I've told you all stories, I've just bearly scratched the surface of what really goes on.
Part of it is that I don't know what goes on. Thank Goddess I've never woken up in the middle of a surgery or anything terrible like that. But on the other hand. . . my body has completely disconnected from it and I've disconnected from my body.
Once I had that realization I didn't know what to do with it and it took nearly three weeks to discuss it with my coach.
I'm thrilled that I've discussed it, I just don't know where to go from here. Or rather, what to write about. I feel like I need to satisfactorally close this chapter, but I don't know how to.
I have more surgeries to come, so even if I do close it here, it won't really be closed.
I don't tend to write in a linear fashion, but I'm not sure what to say after that.
The idea that we almost lost her shook me up good.
The idea that I was so disconnected from my body, even more than I realized shook me up and made me feel like a bit of a fraud *in terms of writing here*.
I don't feel like a fraud anymore, and I'm not all that shook up about my stepmom now that I know she's alright.
There has been a lasting impact on me though, and I'm not sure how to put it into words, which is rarely a problem for me.
I'm not even sure how to wrap up this post. . .
This is all I have for now though, and I hope you all enjoy it, at least to the extent that you know what's going on with me.
Thank you very, very, very much for reading and commenting and if any of you are sharing my blogs, thank you for that to!
With more to come,
Chelle
Friday, July 15, 2011
Abandonment, Books and Divorce
The last two weeks have been kaotic ones, so a post on surgery is postponed for now.
Thank you J for the inspiration to finish this painful, but very relevant post!
I started discussing my fear of abandonment with my coach Kimberly two weeks ago, and in unravelling it, it seems I've opened a Pandora's box of emotions upon emotions!
I started reading "Joy For Beginners", written by Erica Bauermeister, and this is what Caroline *one of the main character's friends and her friend Marion had to say on divorce.
"So. . . Why do you think people do it?" She asked: "Leave each other."
"I don't know." Marion answered.
"But you've written articles about it."
"That doesn't mean I know anything."
Marion's tone was light.
Caroline looked over at her, waiting.
After a while, Marion gestured out toward the ocean beyond the windows.
"I think love is kind of like those waves out there." She said.
"You ride one into the beach and it's the most amazing thing you've ever felt, but at some point, the water goes back out. It has to. And maybe your lucky, your both to busy to do anything drastic. Maybe your good as friends so you stay. And then something happens. Maybe its something as big as a baby, or as small as him unloading the dish washer, and the wave comes back in again. And it does that over and over. I just think sometimes people forget to wait."
Copyright 2010 Erica Bauermeister
Note on Copyright: The Amazon.com hard copy edition states that it was actually released June 9th 2011 and 288 pages, where as the Reviewer states it was released in 2010 and 269 pages. I'm guessing there was a paperback release first and it just isn't showing up on amazon.com as being available in that edition at the moment.
Taken from "Joy For Beginners" by Erica Bauermeister
Released 2010
Read a review here:
http://bookclubclassics.com/Blog/joy-beginners-review-free-giveaway/
I'd also like to thank Kristen, the author of this review, as I had initially misspelled Marion's name as Mariane since I'm listening to the book through Random House Publishing, not reading it in Braille.
I haven't finished the book yet, but I HIGHLY recommend it! Anyway, it got me thinking about myself and this fear of abandonment. It also brought up a multitude of questions, questions I was determined to put to bed long ago.
Is love really like that with a partner? Does it absolutely have to ebb and flow? It's like when I was little and my sister and I would fight. I'd ask her why we had to fight, and she'd say: "That's what sisters do." To me that logic sounded stupid and assinine! I always wanted to shout back: "WHY!!!! WHY do we have to fight!??" It made me wonder what the hell was wrong with her!??
I realize that all relationships are different, but I adore my best friend, and I was once in love with her. In fact, I still love her, I just dropped the 'in love' so I could maintain a fabulous friendship with her, but I still love her! I would still crawl through fire and to the ends of the Universe for her, and do anything I could to make her life a happy one! I just would!
I adore my Dad! Without question! Our relationship doesn't 'ebb and flow'. I always love my Dad, every single day! I'm always excited to see him when he comes home from work, and I love going places with him and doing things with him.
So if that's the case, then why does a married couple's relationship 'ebb and flow'? And, more importantly, how does the wave go out and never come back in?
This ties into abandonment, in the sense that if a marriage does fracture, there's a wrong and a right way for things to dissolve. I can't tell anyone whether they should or shouldn't get a divorce, so this post won't answer that. What I can say though, is that there is, as I said, a wrong way and a right way. The right way would be sitting down with your children, TOGETHER, and explaining, age appropriately of course, what's going on with Mommy and Daddy. *Why your getting a divorce*. I don't mean explicit details either, of torrid affairs, or even how he wronged her and she wronged him. I mean giving the children a simple, but true explanation as to why your getting divorced and then explaining that it is not, and will never be, THEIR fault.
My parents didn't spend 25 years fighting every single day with each other, but they separated a billion times before my mother just up and left when I was 18. They split twice when I was a baby, then again when I was three and for good when I was 18. My home life, viewed from that lens, was never stable, ever! And my fear of one or both of them abandoning me for good was overwhelming. My mother would tickle my Father and instead of me being able to view it as a happy thing that couples did, when they both started getting loud and boisterous I'd start freaking out and asking them if they were getting divorced. And when they did actually argue, I was even more terrified. I'd ask my mother if they were getting divorced and she'd say coldly: "Go ask your father!" So I'd go ask him and he'd say everything was alright.
So, at age 25, I wonder: Can I ever be successful at my own "marriage"? Do I even desire to get married? Do I even desire a partner?
I remember when I was a little girl, I desperately desired first and foremost to be a mother, PERIOD! Forget the 'Father', I'd just be asexual and have my own baby, by myself! Lol. When I realized that wasn't possible, I started trying to think of other ways, a sperm donor, a one night stand, anything to ensure I wouldn't "have" to get married. And when my parents marriage ended, and concerns arose about me being able to have a healthy baby with my birthdefect, I thought of throwing in the towel altogether.
Nevermind the physical, mental and emotional abuse I suffered at school, mostly by boys. Or my mother telling me she'd been sexually abused, which made me fear for my own Body's violation. She didn't give details, just stories of the aftermath, which was frightening enough.
So all this to is part and parcel of my fear of abandonment. I alternate between clinging to tightly to people, and then telling them my whole life story before pushing them away *not returning emails, phone calls, etc*. Though that mostly has happened with a couple guys, not girlfriends. I tend towards more explicit trust with them and I cling to tightly.
I also know that's part of the problem. I'm afraid to get close to a man or woman, I've been in love twice, once with a man and once with a woman, and though neither of them left me, things didn't work out, and I'm afraid to get to close to someone again for fear that things won't work out, again, and I'll have to suck up the 'in love' feelings and trade them in for friendship, or worse, lose the person altogether.
This of course, brings us to that lovely quote: "It's better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all."
I sometimes think whoever wrote that must have downed an entire bottle of Tequila beforehand. Do they know the agony that comes with loving someone? The way your heart cracks open and spills blood when the person dies, leaves or is themselves hurt by something that has happened in their lives? Yes, of course there's the hetty experience of falling in love, walking through snow, but in your mind it's a field of grass and the birds are singing merrily, or the way when he or she takes your hand you feel like your walking on air, or the touch of large, thick, soft hands against silky smooth skin. . . Or the way when they kiss you you get that blood rush like you've just stood up to fast, but you don't care! Of course there's all that. . . When they leave though, or when it doesn't work out. . . For me, I don't desire anything but chocolate. Instead of crying in my beer you can find me crying in my glass of milk and eating 5000 pounds of milk chocolate! I wish I were dead or at the very least in a coma, so I won't feel it. It's like being burned at the stake or rolled out on the rack! It's like Vlad Tepis has come back to life to impale me!
Ultimately, these are all things that have to be worked out in your own mind. My way isn't 'the right way' and yours isn't 'the wrong way'. We all do the best we can with what we have, and we act and react the best way we know how at the time these circumstances arise.
As for me, I could never take myself off the market. Remembering what it was like to feel E's lips and embrace. . . I couldn't. In fact, I'm going to see him on the 12th of August, and I'll still have the butterflies to contend with. Once a person is in my circle, whether or not it 'works out', their in for good.
Much love,
Chelle
P.S, if anyone else finds answers, please drop me a line! Smile.
Thank you J for the inspiration to finish this painful, but very relevant post!
I started discussing my fear of abandonment with my coach Kimberly two weeks ago, and in unravelling it, it seems I've opened a Pandora's box of emotions upon emotions!
I started reading "Joy For Beginners", written by Erica Bauermeister, and this is what Caroline *one of the main character's friends and her friend Marion had to say on divorce.
"So. . . Why do you think people do it?" She asked: "Leave each other."
"I don't know." Marion answered.
"But you've written articles about it."
"That doesn't mean I know anything."
Marion's tone was light.
Caroline looked over at her, waiting.
After a while, Marion gestured out toward the ocean beyond the windows.
"I think love is kind of like those waves out there." She said.
"You ride one into the beach and it's the most amazing thing you've ever felt, but at some point, the water goes back out. It has to. And maybe your lucky, your both to busy to do anything drastic. Maybe your good as friends so you stay. And then something happens. Maybe its something as big as a baby, or as small as him unloading the dish washer, and the wave comes back in again. And it does that over and over. I just think sometimes people forget to wait."
Copyright 2010 Erica Bauermeister
Note on Copyright: The Amazon.com hard copy edition states that it was actually released June 9th 2011 and 288 pages, where as the Reviewer states it was released in 2010 and 269 pages. I'm guessing there was a paperback release first and it just isn't showing up on amazon.com as being available in that edition at the moment.
Taken from "Joy For Beginners" by Erica Bauermeister
Released 2010
Read a review here:
http://bookclubclassics.com/Blog/joy-beginners-review-free-giveaway/
I'd also like to thank Kristen, the author of this review, as I had initially misspelled Marion's name as Mariane since I'm listening to the book through Random House Publishing, not reading it in Braille.
I haven't finished the book yet, but I HIGHLY recommend it! Anyway, it got me thinking about myself and this fear of abandonment. It also brought up a multitude of questions, questions I was determined to put to bed long ago.
Is love really like that with a partner? Does it absolutely have to ebb and flow? It's like when I was little and my sister and I would fight. I'd ask her why we had to fight, and she'd say: "That's what sisters do." To me that logic sounded stupid and assinine! I always wanted to shout back: "WHY!!!! WHY do we have to fight!??" It made me wonder what the hell was wrong with her!??
I realize that all relationships are different, but I adore my best friend, and I was once in love with her. In fact, I still love her, I just dropped the 'in love' so I could maintain a fabulous friendship with her, but I still love her! I would still crawl through fire and to the ends of the Universe for her, and do anything I could to make her life a happy one! I just would!
I adore my Dad! Without question! Our relationship doesn't 'ebb and flow'. I always love my Dad, every single day! I'm always excited to see him when he comes home from work, and I love going places with him and doing things with him.
So if that's the case, then why does a married couple's relationship 'ebb and flow'? And, more importantly, how does the wave go out and never come back in?
This ties into abandonment, in the sense that if a marriage does fracture, there's a wrong and a right way for things to dissolve. I can't tell anyone whether they should or shouldn't get a divorce, so this post won't answer that. What I can say though, is that there is, as I said, a wrong way and a right way. The right way would be sitting down with your children, TOGETHER, and explaining, age appropriately of course, what's going on with Mommy and Daddy. *Why your getting a divorce*. I don't mean explicit details either, of torrid affairs, or even how he wronged her and she wronged him. I mean giving the children a simple, but true explanation as to why your getting divorced and then explaining that it is not, and will never be, THEIR fault.
My parents didn't spend 25 years fighting every single day with each other, but they separated a billion times before my mother just up and left when I was 18. They split twice when I was a baby, then again when I was three and for good when I was 18. My home life, viewed from that lens, was never stable, ever! And my fear of one or both of them abandoning me for good was overwhelming. My mother would tickle my Father and instead of me being able to view it as a happy thing that couples did, when they both started getting loud and boisterous I'd start freaking out and asking them if they were getting divorced. And when they did actually argue, I was even more terrified. I'd ask my mother if they were getting divorced and she'd say coldly: "Go ask your father!" So I'd go ask him and he'd say everything was alright.
So, at age 25, I wonder: Can I ever be successful at my own "marriage"? Do I even desire to get married? Do I even desire a partner?
I remember when I was a little girl, I desperately desired first and foremost to be a mother, PERIOD! Forget the 'Father', I'd just be asexual and have my own baby, by myself! Lol. When I realized that wasn't possible, I started trying to think of other ways, a sperm donor, a one night stand, anything to ensure I wouldn't "have" to get married. And when my parents marriage ended, and concerns arose about me being able to have a healthy baby with my birthdefect, I thought of throwing in the towel altogether.
Nevermind the physical, mental and emotional abuse I suffered at school, mostly by boys. Or my mother telling me she'd been sexually abused, which made me fear for my own Body's violation. She didn't give details, just stories of the aftermath, which was frightening enough.
So all this to is part and parcel of my fear of abandonment. I alternate between clinging to tightly to people, and then telling them my whole life story before pushing them away *not returning emails, phone calls, etc*. Though that mostly has happened with a couple guys, not girlfriends. I tend towards more explicit trust with them and I cling to tightly.
I also know that's part of the problem. I'm afraid to get close to a man or woman, I've been in love twice, once with a man and once with a woman, and though neither of them left me, things didn't work out, and I'm afraid to get to close to someone again for fear that things won't work out, again, and I'll have to suck up the 'in love' feelings and trade them in for friendship, or worse, lose the person altogether.
This of course, brings us to that lovely quote: "It's better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all."
I sometimes think whoever wrote that must have downed an entire bottle of Tequila beforehand. Do they know the agony that comes with loving someone? The way your heart cracks open and spills blood when the person dies, leaves or is themselves hurt by something that has happened in their lives? Yes, of course there's the hetty experience of falling in love, walking through snow, but in your mind it's a field of grass and the birds are singing merrily, or the way when he or she takes your hand you feel like your walking on air, or the touch of large, thick, soft hands against silky smooth skin. . . Or the way when they kiss you you get that blood rush like you've just stood up to fast, but you don't care! Of course there's all that. . . When they leave though, or when it doesn't work out. . . For me, I don't desire anything but chocolate. Instead of crying in my beer you can find me crying in my glass of milk and eating 5000 pounds of milk chocolate! I wish I were dead or at the very least in a coma, so I won't feel it. It's like being burned at the stake or rolled out on the rack! It's like Vlad Tepis has come back to life to impale me!
Ultimately, these are all things that have to be worked out in your own mind. My way isn't 'the right way' and yours isn't 'the wrong way'. We all do the best we can with what we have, and we act and react the best way we know how at the time these circumstances arise.
As for me, I could never take myself off the market. Remembering what it was like to feel E's lips and embrace. . . I couldn't. In fact, I'm going to see him on the 12th of August, and I'll still have the butterflies to contend with. Once a person is in my circle, whether or not it 'works out', their in for good.
Much love,
Chelle
P.S, if anyone else finds answers, please drop me a line! Smile.
Monday, June 27, 2011
The Downward Surgical Spiral
In my autobiography with the working title: "The Messenger Unveiled",
I wrote on surgeries:
"You can hate hospitals, needles, that smell of alcohol that follows
you everywhere, the taste of surgery that invades your mouth and
crawls right down inside of you. It becomes a part of you just like
your breath coming in and out. So, you can despise that, you can push
and fight it off, or you can sink and give into it like I did. You
can learn to accept it for what it is, and see it as a part of you, of
your life, which is what I did. I see it as part of me. I know it as
well as I know the house I live in. I know it as well as I know the
smell of someone who's part of my inner circle. I could draw outlines
for you, make you feel it too, taste it, touch it, hear and smell it.
I could bring you so up close and personal with it, you'd either never
want to experience it again, or you'd become fascinated with it.
Either way, once I lead you there, you'd know that you'd been there,
and you'd never forget it. Never forget the fear and the pain."
Having written that, it's still hard for me to "take you there".
Funny, I've only done this 66 times, but the truth is, it NEVER gets
any easier.
Try these flashbacks on for size. . .
I'm a tiny girl, maybe 3, maybe 4 and Daddy is taking me for a ride on
the little train they have at Motts Children's Hospital in Ann Arbor.
We're riding along and I'm happy, but my tummy isn't. I know what's
coming. I know it's going to hurt. Most people go into the hospital
with a problem and come out feeling better. I go in feeling fine and
come out of surgery feeling terrible! How exactly does this work?
So we get to our destination, the pre-op room. Finally, and their
giving me nasty medicine to drink. It's the sleepy medicine. It's
supposed to relax me. Odd, I don't feel relaxed. Tricked maybe, but
not relaxed.
They take me into the operating room and I'm still awake. Daddy comes
in with the mask and the booty's on, that whole keeping everything
sterile and antiseptic and all! Yuck!
They put the mask with the ether in it on my face. I don't remember a
warning, I don't remember the discussion. One minute Daddy's with me,
the next this evil smelling mask is over my face and their telling me
to breathe deep.
I'm breathing deep alright, but I'm screaming: "Daddy!!! Daddy!!! Stay
with me!! Don't leave me!!"
I feel like I sound covered up, muffled from under the mask. I feel
trapped, stuck, bound!!!
And then I wake up.
And this I know from many surgeries. I wake up and I taste the
breathing tube. I wake up with sores where it rested in the corner of
my mouth, and with the taste of surgical instruments and sutures and
whatever else they saw fit to pour over me, on me and in my mouth as I
"slept" if you can call it that.
Oh, and there's blood, the taste of blood. Apparently your mouth and
face bleed a lot. Who knew?
Another surgery, another time. . . The nurse tells me: "We have
flavored masks!! Which flavor would you like honey?" I want to scream!
This lady, with her happy friendly manner, her glee over flavored
masks!! Who the fuck does she think she is??? Flavored masks?
Yippee!!! I have too much control now!! I just can't take it! Are you
going to let me pick what time the surgery is scheduled for to? Can
you let me pick the nurses that will attend me? Can they all be as
friendly and bubbly as you???? YAY!!!! I'm jumping over the fucking
moon with excitement! And my inner bitch shrieks: "Bitch!!!!!!!"
I hate this nurse, hate her friendliness. It feels fake, forced,
false! I'm going under the knife here! I'm getting sliced and diced
and dissected and she's throwing a motherfucking parade????
Of course, I'm too young and too polite to say all this, so it's all
inner dialogue, dialogue that I can only spew forth now, as an adult,
with a full grasp on what I was feeling and thinking back then, and
the ability to articulate it now.
Another time, now we're at Bowman Gray Children's Hospital *which is
now Wake Forest Baptist Medical Center* at Wake Forest University
*which now is comprised under the Baptist Medical Center title* in
North Carolina.
I'm 9 if memory serves me and it's one of the first times of having
surgery in a different hospital, but with the same doctor. He moved
from Motts to Bowman.
Anyway, the anesthesiologist is friendly in the waiting room. He's
telling me what his job is and what he's going to do to put me to
sleep. Fair enough, but there's more. . . MUCH more!
I make it all the way to the operating room without incident. Then,
then comes the time for the mask. I was still young enough that they
were doing mask before I.V.
He asks me how many siblings I have and I tell him. He asks where I
live, and perhaps another question to shoot the breeze. But then he's
ready and I'm not.
They get me to lie back on the bed and the mask comes, but I fight it
and fight it hard! I fly up and grab him in a hug! I cling! I cry! He
tries to get me to lie back down, but I won't.
So the nurses push me down! They push me down and hold me down!! It
feels like there' are a million hands holding me down! And then I can't
breathe. The mask is on me, I'm hysterical and then I'm waking up.
And that ladies and gentlemen, is how you break a bitch! No matter
what your goal is, that's how you break someone in.
I felt violated and abused, but enough about me. Let's discuss the
weather instead, shall we?
Who cares how I feel? Who the fuck cares!!!!!!!!!!
All the times since then?? I come into the pre-op room laughing,
happy, smiling. I'm thrilled!! I make the nurses and doctors laugh in
the operating room. I lay there in my cold steel prison, on my bed
with my warm blanket and as they pat my hands and tell me to pump my
fists so they can find a good vein, I tell them about my favorite
bands. I tell them about my family and my kitties and doggies. I feel
the cold alcohol swab; feel the icy gel of the leads to the heart
monitor being placed on me. The blood pressure cuff grows really tight
and I can feel my pulse all the way through my arm and I smile! We're
all happy! I'm going to club med! YAY!!! I say: "Let me know when you're
going to stick me!" And to them I sound normal, happy. To myself I
sound high-pitched. My stomach clenches and I tell myself for the
thousandth time that they'll find a vein and everything will be
fabulously fine! My brain screams at my veins telling them this is NOT
the time to role over and play dead, and that if they do, they're going
to receive a severe beating as soon as I get the time and energy back
to do it!
But I don't cry anymore. I tell them what medications I'm allergic to.
Augmenten, Keflex, Tylenol 3 and Diflucan. I repeat this 20 times over
from the receptionist to the anesthesiologist. It's a game we play
because the bastards at the front desk forget to update the bloody
computers and/or the bastards who come to give me my I.V and discuss
surgical procedures haven't picked up the fucking charts and read
them. Either way, I repeat, repeat, repeat 27 thousand times! But we
don't talk fear. I don't cry on anyone's shoulder, not even my
parents, which is another blog post entirely. I smile and act happy
even as my stomach rumbles, first from hunger, then tightens in the
opposite of anticipation. It's still cold in here as I hear the oxygen
level indicator they've put on my finger start to beep. The medicine
finally kicks in and my chest burns with that warm and fuzzy feeling.
I start to relax. I smile and now I tell them that if they can't find
a vein, I'll let them put the mask on first. They can do whatever they
want as long as I get out of this freezing cold room. Never mind the
trauma that stupid mask has brought me.
They ask me to slide up on the table so my head is in that squishy
spongy thing that holds your head secure. They strap a belt around my
waist like I'm going into outer space or something. I have no underwear
on, but that doesn't matter. You lose all semblance of modesty when
someone takes skin from your butt cheek! I know they've seen my vagina
to and why not? I'm open for inspection! Might as well get the gyno in
here to. I mean, if you're going to do it, you might as well do it up
right! Get the dentist to inspect my teeth, the ENT to inspect my ears
nose and throat. Maybe we can find a neurologist, a cardiologist, a
gastroenterologist, a Podiatrist and a proctologist. Did I leave
anyone out? Ahhh, yes! The pulmonologist!! Ok, did I cover everybody
now? Does everyone get a look?
You should, I mean, it is "your right". It isn't MY body; it's yours
to do with as you please. I feel used, owned, cheap, but who cares
about that!!
And that is the truth about surgery, the truth about how it makes me feel. 66 times, and it's not done yet.
Just one more to close my palate, but the area is covered in scar tissue that can't be removed, so it could be two more, or maybe three.
Nobody knows, nobody cares. Let's just get it done.
Up next part three.
Stay tuned,
Michelle
I wrote on surgeries:
"You can hate hospitals, needles, that smell of alcohol that follows
you everywhere, the taste of surgery that invades your mouth and
crawls right down inside of you. It becomes a part of you just like
your breath coming in and out. So, you can despise that, you can push
and fight it off, or you can sink and give into it like I did. You
can learn to accept it for what it is, and see it as a part of you, of
your life, which is what I did. I see it as part of me. I know it as
well as I know the house I live in. I know it as well as I know the
smell of someone who's part of my inner circle. I could draw outlines
for you, make you feel it too, taste it, touch it, hear and smell it.
I could bring you so up close and personal with it, you'd either never
want to experience it again, or you'd become fascinated with it.
Either way, once I lead you there, you'd know that you'd been there,
and you'd never forget it. Never forget the fear and the pain."
Having written that, it's still hard for me to "take you there".
Funny, I've only done this 66 times, but the truth is, it NEVER gets
any easier.
Try these flashbacks on for size. . .
I'm a tiny girl, maybe 3, maybe 4 and Daddy is taking me for a ride on
the little train they have at Motts Children's Hospital in Ann Arbor.
We're riding along and I'm happy, but my tummy isn't. I know what's
coming. I know it's going to hurt. Most people go into the hospital
with a problem and come out feeling better. I go in feeling fine and
come out of surgery feeling terrible! How exactly does this work?
So we get to our destination, the pre-op room. Finally, and their
giving me nasty medicine to drink. It's the sleepy medicine. It's
supposed to relax me. Odd, I don't feel relaxed. Tricked maybe, but
not relaxed.
They take me into the operating room and I'm still awake. Daddy comes
in with the mask and the booty's on, that whole keeping everything
sterile and antiseptic and all! Yuck!
They put the mask with the ether in it on my face. I don't remember a
warning, I don't remember the discussion. One minute Daddy's with me,
the next this evil smelling mask is over my face and their telling me
to breathe deep.
I'm breathing deep alright, but I'm screaming: "Daddy!!! Daddy!!! Stay
with me!! Don't leave me!!"
I feel like I sound covered up, muffled from under the mask. I feel
trapped, stuck, bound!!!
And then I wake up.
And this I know from many surgeries. I wake up and I taste the
breathing tube. I wake up with sores where it rested in the corner of
my mouth, and with the taste of surgical instruments and sutures and
whatever else they saw fit to pour over me, on me and in my mouth as I
"slept" if you can call it that.
Oh, and there's blood, the taste of blood. Apparently your mouth and
face bleed a lot. Who knew?
Another surgery, another time. . . The nurse tells me: "We have
flavored masks!! Which flavor would you like honey?" I want to scream!
This lady, with her happy friendly manner, her glee over flavored
masks!! Who the fuck does she think she is??? Flavored masks?
Yippee!!! I have too much control now!! I just can't take it! Are you
going to let me pick what time the surgery is scheduled for to? Can
you let me pick the nurses that will attend me? Can they all be as
friendly and bubbly as you???? YAY!!!! I'm jumping over the fucking
moon with excitement! And my inner bitch shrieks: "Bitch!!!!!!!"
I hate this nurse, hate her friendliness. It feels fake, forced,
false! I'm going under the knife here! I'm getting sliced and diced
and dissected and she's throwing a motherfucking parade????
Of course, I'm too young and too polite to say all this, so it's all
inner dialogue, dialogue that I can only spew forth now, as an adult,
with a full grasp on what I was feeling and thinking back then, and
the ability to articulate it now.
Another time, now we're at Bowman Gray Children's Hospital *which is
now Wake Forest Baptist Medical Center* at Wake Forest University
*which now is comprised under the Baptist Medical Center title* in
North Carolina.
I'm 9 if memory serves me and it's one of the first times of having
surgery in a different hospital, but with the same doctor. He moved
from Motts to Bowman.
Anyway, the anesthesiologist is friendly in the waiting room. He's
telling me what his job is and what he's going to do to put me to
sleep. Fair enough, but there's more. . . MUCH more!
I make it all the way to the operating room without incident. Then,
then comes the time for the mask. I was still young enough that they
were doing mask before I.V.
He asks me how many siblings I have and I tell him. He asks where I
live, and perhaps another question to shoot the breeze. But then he's
ready and I'm not.
They get me to lie back on the bed and the mask comes, but I fight it
and fight it hard! I fly up and grab him in a hug! I cling! I cry! He
tries to get me to lie back down, but I won't.
So the nurses push me down! They push me down and hold me down!! It
feels like there' are a million hands holding me down! And then I can't
breathe. The mask is on me, I'm hysterical and then I'm waking up.
And that ladies and gentlemen, is how you break a bitch! No matter
what your goal is, that's how you break someone in.
I felt violated and abused, but enough about me. Let's discuss the
weather instead, shall we?
Who cares how I feel? Who the fuck cares!!!!!!!!!!
All the times since then?? I come into the pre-op room laughing,
happy, smiling. I'm thrilled!! I make the nurses and doctors laugh in
the operating room. I lay there in my cold steel prison, on my bed
with my warm blanket and as they pat my hands and tell me to pump my
fists so they can find a good vein, I tell them about my favorite
bands. I tell them about my family and my kitties and doggies. I feel
the cold alcohol swab; feel the icy gel of the leads to the heart
monitor being placed on me. The blood pressure cuff grows really tight
and I can feel my pulse all the way through my arm and I smile! We're
all happy! I'm going to club med! YAY!!! I say: "Let me know when you're
going to stick me!" And to them I sound normal, happy. To myself I
sound high-pitched. My stomach clenches and I tell myself for the
thousandth time that they'll find a vein and everything will be
fabulously fine! My brain screams at my veins telling them this is NOT
the time to role over and play dead, and that if they do, they're going
to receive a severe beating as soon as I get the time and energy back
to do it!
But I don't cry anymore. I tell them what medications I'm allergic to.
Augmenten, Keflex, Tylenol 3 and Diflucan. I repeat this 20 times over
from the receptionist to the anesthesiologist. It's a game we play
because the bastards at the front desk forget to update the bloody
computers and/or the bastards who come to give me my I.V and discuss
surgical procedures haven't picked up the fucking charts and read
them. Either way, I repeat, repeat, repeat 27 thousand times! But we
don't talk fear. I don't cry on anyone's shoulder, not even my
parents, which is another blog post entirely. I smile and act happy
even as my stomach rumbles, first from hunger, then tightens in the
opposite of anticipation. It's still cold in here as I hear the oxygen
level indicator they've put on my finger start to beep. The medicine
finally kicks in and my chest burns with that warm and fuzzy feeling.
I start to relax. I smile and now I tell them that if they can't find
a vein, I'll let them put the mask on first. They can do whatever they
want as long as I get out of this freezing cold room. Never mind the
trauma that stupid mask has brought me.
They ask me to slide up on the table so my head is in that squishy
spongy thing that holds your head secure. They strap a belt around my
waist like I'm going into outer space or something. I have no underwear
on, but that doesn't matter. You lose all semblance of modesty when
someone takes skin from your butt cheek! I know they've seen my vagina
to and why not? I'm open for inspection! Might as well get the gyno in
here to. I mean, if you're going to do it, you might as well do it up
right! Get the dentist to inspect my teeth, the ENT to inspect my ears
nose and throat. Maybe we can find a neurologist, a cardiologist, a
gastroenterologist, a Podiatrist and a proctologist. Did I leave
anyone out? Ahhh, yes! The pulmonologist!! Ok, did I cover everybody
now? Does everyone get a look?
You should, I mean, it is "your right". It isn't MY body; it's yours
to do with as you please. I feel used, owned, cheap, but who cares
about that!!
And that is the truth about surgery, the truth about how it makes me feel. 66 times, and it's not done yet.
Just one more to close my palate, but the area is covered in scar tissue that can't be removed, so it could be two more, or maybe three.
Nobody knows, nobody cares. Let's just get it done.
Up next part three.
Stay tuned,
Michelle
Monday, June 20, 2011
What Is a Tessier Cleft?
I was born with a Tessier Cleft. It is also/otherwise known as a Craniofacial Cleft.
Craniofacial indicative of both the skull *cranium* and face, facial.
Let's break this down even further.
What is a cleft?
"A cleft is a gap in the soft tissue, bone, or both." *Patricia Bacon Smith, Mother to a child with Cleft and author of Tessier Cleft Info (Page 1)*
So, a Tessier Cleft is a cleft "that involves the mouth, cheeks, eyes, ears and forehead and continues into the hairline." *Patricia Bacon Smith, Mother to a child with Cleft and author of Tessier Cleft Info (Page 1)*
Now, in lay terms, I always describe mine as an open-faced baked potato without the 'good stuff', such as bacon, chives, cheese and sour cream. *See my About Me Page:*
When you hear cleft you may think of a cleft lip or palate. These clefts are very common. In fact, stats from the CDC show that 1 in every 600 births in the USA results in a baby with cleft lip or palate. This number increases when discussing families of Hispanic, Asian and Native American origins.
These clefts are also known as orofacial clefts *Relating to the mouth and face*, and are the most common birth anomalies in the United States.
Funny then, that we don't hear more about them, or see public service announcements. . .
Before we go any further down this path of discussion, it is only fair that I say this.
There is NOTHING a woman can do to prevent a cleft. Let me repeat this, there is NOTHING a woman can do to prevent her child from having a cleft.
Whether it's a cleft lip or palate, or a severe cleft like mine, which is very rare *between 10-20 people in the world have it*. These stats are based on stats I received from my doctor. Oddly enough though, he didn't tell me I had a Tessier Cleft even. He simply said it was a "Craniofacial Cleft". It took me going to Cleft Advocate and reading about a couple other families stories to find out for myself.
I feel it's very important to establish this fact, simply because so many women have either felt guilty beyond words and/or been asked by other people if they took drugs, drank or smoked. Being born with a Cleft of any kind is like anything else. Some mothers never drank, smoked or did drugs a day in their lives/during their pregnancies and had a baby with a cleft. Other mothers smoked, drank and did drugs and their babies came out healthy.
In my next post I'll get into the nitty gritty emotions, something I'm much more famous for as opposed to research. I can, will and do do research, but it is by no means my forte.
Please stay tuned!
Michelle
References:
Tessier Cleft Info:
http://www.cleftline.org/docs/tessierinfo.pdf
Cleft Advocate A Program of Ameriface
http://www.cleftadvocate.com/
Definition of Orofacial from the Free Online Medical Dictionary:
http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/orofacial
Craniofacial indicative of both the skull *cranium* and face, facial.
Let's break this down even further.
What is a cleft?
"A cleft is a gap in the soft tissue, bone, or both." *Patricia Bacon Smith, Mother to a child with Cleft and author of Tessier Cleft Info (Page 1)*
So, a Tessier Cleft is a cleft "that involves the mouth, cheeks, eyes, ears and forehead and continues into the hairline." *Patricia Bacon Smith, Mother to a child with Cleft and author of Tessier Cleft Info (Page 1)*
Now, in lay terms, I always describe mine as an open-faced baked potato without the 'good stuff', such as bacon, chives, cheese and sour cream. *See my About Me Page:*
When you hear cleft you may think of a cleft lip or palate. These clefts are very common. In fact, stats from the CDC show that 1 in every 600 births in the USA results in a baby with cleft lip or palate. This number increases when discussing families of Hispanic, Asian and Native American origins.
These clefts are also known as orofacial clefts *Relating to the mouth and face*, and are the most common birth anomalies in the United States.
Funny then, that we don't hear more about them, or see public service announcements. . .
Before we go any further down this path of discussion, it is only fair that I say this.
There is NOTHING a woman can do to prevent a cleft. Let me repeat this, there is NOTHING a woman can do to prevent her child from having a cleft.
Whether it's a cleft lip or palate, or a severe cleft like mine, which is very rare *between 10-20 people in the world have it*. These stats are based on stats I received from my doctor. Oddly enough though, he didn't tell me I had a Tessier Cleft even. He simply said it was a "Craniofacial Cleft". It took me going to Cleft Advocate and reading about a couple other families stories to find out for myself.
I feel it's very important to establish this fact, simply because so many women have either felt guilty beyond words and/or been asked by other people if they took drugs, drank or smoked. Being born with a Cleft of any kind is like anything else. Some mothers never drank, smoked or did drugs a day in their lives/during their pregnancies and had a baby with a cleft. Other mothers smoked, drank and did drugs and their babies came out healthy.
In my next post I'll get into the nitty gritty emotions, something I'm much more famous for as opposed to research. I can, will and do do research, but it is by no means my forte.
Please stay tuned!
Michelle
References:
Tessier Cleft Info:
http://www.cleftline.org/docs/tessierinfo.pdf
Cleft Advocate A Program of Ameriface
http://www.cleftadvocate.com/
Definition of Orofacial from the Free Online Medical Dictionary:
http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/orofacial
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