Monday, December 26, 2011

More Contemplations of the Midnight Variety

Dear KURT:
Tis me again!! I know, your surprised, right? Lol.
It was a pretty calm Christmas all things considered. I think I actually don't mind being 'this kind of sick' on Christmas. Don't get me wrong, nobody wants to be sick! It isn't like their greatest Desire or anything, however, if one HAS TO BE SICK on Christmas, this is the way to go. Stuffy nose, coughing fits that make it impossible to laugh *without being triggered* and night sweats that make one think it's summer!!!, are definitely preferable to courting the toilet bowl with ones bum or face in my humble opinion!
I called my mother today, BECAUSE I DESIRED TO DO SO! Yes, most would agree, this is definitive evidence of my sickness considering we once got along about as well as oil and water get along. At any rate I called her today and I was 'so sick' in her opinion no criticisms came down for my not visiting. In fact, when I told her what B had told me she said: "It never should have come up in our conversation. It's just she was telling me about something else and. . ." A part of me thought: "Hm. . . The green eyed monster popped up again so you had to outdo a tale of someone else's whoa with one of your own. . . I get it!" But I let the thought go unrepeated. Why stir the pot? As evidence of either my illness or my Grandmother's trying to get into heaven syndrome *I haven't figured out which yet* she gave B homemade Banana Nut Bread to give me so B dropped it off around 6:30 or so. I was greatly appreciative, even called GMa to thank her! Had to leave it on her message machine though since I guess she was still at Aunt K's house.
It was one of those Christmases where you just let it ride and I think because of that it went really well.
Dad and R brought home a plate for me and it was actually fabulous!! Moist turkey, mashed potatoes, chocolate pudding with chocolate cookie pieces in it and a piece of chocolate cake!!!! Woohoo!!!! Can we say best feast ever??? I was so excited I forgot about the stuffing! Lol.
The morning went well to, the girls got everything they wanted and I had wrapped up my SEETHER shirts the night before so I unwrapped them this morning raised the box over my head and screamed "SEEEEEEEEEEEEEETHER SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIRTS!!!!!! Ahhhhhhh!!!" Lol. Dad and R had given me $100 for Christmas so I bought my own Christmas present this year!!! The interesting thing is that I was okay with opening only stocking stuffers and the lotion the girls got me but according to R she and Dad felt bad that I had nothing to open. Funny how that works as an adult. Dad kept asking me if I had a boyfriend in my box. Lol! I said if I had had one it would have actually been E and S so there would have been two boyfriends! Lol. I've always adored you but since I can't bring you back to life. . . I'm kinda screwed there! Lol.
Aside from the Christmas festivities *and I must say here before moving on, I believe I'm getting used to being alone on Christmas*. I think that's a good thing since they say acceptance is the first step to any 'next steps' one might wish to take. . . So go me!!
But aside from that I was contemplating finding the contact info for the big news corporations. NBC, CBS and ABC. And of course MSNBC and CNN. So I was here in front of the computer looking up info, google sucks by the way!! Thinking I'll go back to the library and ask if they have that sort of info in a big book along with other corporate contact info, because Google doesn't have it all in one place and I don't feel like searching 10 websites, but anyway I was so tired I actually put my head down at my desk and rested for 5 minutes just getting up the energy to move to my bed for a nap! Thing is my sleep schedule is usually kinda funky, but with me being sick it's gotten way more outta whack. I got maybe 2 hours of sleep last night so I'd already been up like 2 or 3 hours by the time we opened presents. I went back to bed around 9 and got up at 1:30, then was exhausted like I'd been up for 5 days by 3:30-4 and slept until 6:08. Then I was up until the rents got home with the food and was feeling dead tired again. It was around 9:30 when they got home. So I ate and was fighting off bed till about 11. Wanted to give my food SOME TIME to digest. So I was in bed at 11 and woke up at 1:22 and got up at 2:32 and so here I am writing you now. I feel kind of tired just writing this, but not exhausted yet. I'm waiting for the exhaustion to set in. If I go to bed 'tired' it's not enough and I'll toss and turn. I could have stayed in bed earlier had I not tossed and turned! Lol. So as I said, pretty messed up!
One has nothing to do with the other accept that I was writing on my thoughts and I Desired to start trying to get a jump on the new year plan to get myself out of here, but became to tired to do so. honestly I'd ask Holl to look for me, but I need to be right with her when I ask otherwise she'll forget. Lol.
On the flipside, if my plan doesn't work I've decided January 14th 2013 is the end of it. Along those lines of thinking I'm going to buy the DVD of Unplugged and ask someone to watch it with me and describe the setup you've got going on. I like roses, not lilys, so I may use a mix of roses and lilys.
I've been thinking about writing my will out, but truth is I have nothing to terribly valuable. I mean I have CD'S, which to me are the most valuable thing in the world *next to my girls of course*, but I don't know who to will them to that would hold them in the same high esteem I do. I mean I even change cases when they get cracks in them. Not everyone does that. And there's the Girls, I'm not sure who to will them to either. I think if I were gone Dad would want them more all of a sudden, maybe view them as an extention of me, but I can't say that for sure and I DO NOT Desire them to go to a farm or a pound somewhere! Beyond that there's my clothes and DVD'S, my Christmas ornaments and miscelaneous stuff. Papers and stuff. They could burn those if they wanted, I don't care about them. There's my stereoes and my DVD player and TV. . . my bed. But even writing it down makes it look unimportant. It's all just stuff. Maybe I should just leave it as is and only write out notes to everyone. As for what they do with me, I don't much care. I once thought being buried was the end all be all, but they could cremate me. It's not a big deal. The body is just a shell. The spirit and soul are long gone from there so they could cremate me and I wouldn't care. So that's the other thing I was thinking about today. Only, truth be told, it wasn't as in depth as I just wrote it to you.
I figure whatever I do to myself Unplugged will be on in the background when I go. Maybe I'll put Finding Beauty SEETHER on the other stereo. And if there's a showing I want a couple songs to be played. One from you and one from SHAUN should do it. Not sure which ones though. "YOU KNOW YOUR RIGHT" and "FUCK ME LIKE YOU HATE ME" are the first two to pop up ironically. . . but I think something happier, more on the order of "LITHIUM" and "WALK AWAY FROM THE SUN" are in order. I need to figure out what the best thing to do is.
Like I said before, truth is I feel alot more free knowing 'this is it'! I feel relieved and unburdened and like I'm not staring down the barrel of 20 or 30 more years like this.
I was watching the Nostradamus Effect" and "The Lost Book" tonight and getting a feeling from that to. Like 'this is it!' really! THIS IS IT! This is THEE YEAR! This is drastic change! Whether or not anyone believes in prophecies really doesn't matter because you can feel it in the world, in the energy shifts around us! This is a turning point for us as human beings and I genuinely believe that. There will be huge sweeping changes for us! I don't think the world is ending, but I do think there will be a major shift in consciousness and I feel like I'm supposed to be here for that, like I'm supposed to play a role in that, therefore I WILL be provided with what I need to get up and out on my own and start a life of my own. It's weird to be considering death and life right next to each other. It's like the grafts my teacher used to make for me. She always had a line down the middle separating the two sides of the paper and that's how I feel my life is right now. One the lefthand side is life, on the righthand side is death and the two are paraleling each other. One step left and one step right. I'm willing to gamble as it were, because I know what I'm meant to do and am that confident that if things won't piece themselves together I'd have no feeling of regret going right instead of left.
Does that make sense to you? I can be ok because I KNOW where I'm supposed to be and what I'm supposed to do. So if it doesn't come to pass for me to do it in this year, time and place then I'm alright letting go because I will have put my best foot forward from the end of 2011 through to January 14th 2013.
So that's where all my thoughts were today. Jumbled as usual, right? I know you aren't surprised. You know me to well for that.
I thank you for sticking with me all these years. I always come back to you when I need something resolved with certainty or need clarity on something. There's something about writing while listening to Unplugged that always gets me. This is the closest I'll ever get to a trance like state I think! Lol.
Tons of love,

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