Thursday, April 26, 2012

Last Night's DREAMS!!!!!!

I got a recording from MindMovies last night and listened to it while I slept.
The recording is from Maury Zelkavich *I probably masacred the spelling of his name there*, but anyway, he's a scientist whose Brain Entrainment audio works so well he was asked to train the Brazilian police force!! Natalie talked about him on one of her Inspirational Shows and joined with him for her MindMovies colaboration.
MindMovies is her website.
Anyway, the audio recording I got is titled "Programmed for Success in Everything I Do"
So back to last night!
I'm constantly saying how I don't dream and even if I do I don't remember it!
Well last night I went to sleep and wouldn't you know? I drempt! And this morning, I woke up and I remembered!!
First dream, I'm back stage at a Poison concert! Now why, I'm TOTALLY NOT SURE, I mean, I think Brett Michaels is cool enough, but I'm definitely a grunge Woman! When I hear Poison the songs I like are "Every Rose Has It's Thorn" and the other slow one that I can't for the life of me think of the title to at the moment!
Anyway, I'm back stage and their saying someone else can come back stage if they help bring in the gear. So yours truly walks out from back stage and I am just miffed!! There is trash everywhere! And when I say everywhere, I mean EVERYWHERE!!! And it is funny to note here, that I do think about the trash people leave behind at concerts often since I'm a concert goer myself and a litter picker-upper! Lol. I HATE littering, absolutely despise it! So take the 'ordinary' amount of trash you find at a concert and multiply it by a thousand! I'm WALKING ON TRASH, not floor! That's how much trash there is! And I AM NOT HAPPY about it! So I start helping out. Next thing I know I'm back stage again and apparently exhausted, because WHO just happens to show up? And WHOM do I just happen to wrap my my arms around and lay head to chest upon??? None other than SHAUN MORGAN from SEETHER!!!!!!!!! MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!! No, we didn't DO anything unfortunately. . . but at least he held me! This is progress, we're getting somewhere here! Lol!!!!
So that's all one dream.
Then later on I dream about my sis /BFF Holly!! We're sitting in the room that my teacher's aid had when she worked at the middle school. Only there's a guy there this time, my teacher's aid was a Woman.
So we're sitting there talking about my Birthday for some reason, and than Holl decides to jump over the table! Lol. As in standing on one chair and deciding to take a flying leap over the length of the table and land standing in another chair! Lol.
Now this is one of the long low tables, not like the little desk with the chair attached to it.
So this guy and I are sitting here chanting hi yaw, hi yaw, hi yaw. . . Seriously??? That's more like a karate kick chant! What do I know though? I'm just the one having the dream here!!
If nothing else this put me in my thaita brainwave state so I could remember these dreams long enough to write it down!
And so that's my first experience with brain entrainment! Lol. Can't wait to see what tonight brings!
If nothing else I woke up in a great mood! That's worth a million bucks right there! Lol!

Brags and Affirmations!

I'm baaaack!! Smile.
I said I had some Bragging to do, so here she be!!
I Brag that I've made it to at least 1,000 with all my Affirmations!!!
Thus far they are:
"I love working out!"
"I lose weight easily and effortlessly!"
"I open my heart to love!"
"I will meet SHAUN MORGAN Saturday 4/14!"
And today's,
"I'm ready to confront my fears!"
Why 1,000 at least?
Because I participated in an online workshop where the Woman who ran it
over at
Natalie said that it takes the brain 1,000 times of repetition in order for it to start believing what you're telling it.
There's a looong ass story about alpha brainwaves, beta brain waves, delta brain waves, and thaita brainwaves, but without going into all that, this is the short of it.
Now, the flip side is that you can meditate like CRAZY, but meditation and I get along about as well as routine and I get along, so I have opted for this latter, though probably 'more difficult' way of doing things.
It isn't difficult for me though, because I say my Affirmations while working out on the treadmill or bike, and it helps keep me motivated.
I count off in increments of 10 until I get to 100, then 200, 300 and so forth. When I get to 1,000 I get all excited and jump up and down and congratulate myself.
While doing all this I'm so busy my brain has ALOT less time to think: "I wonder what time it is? Can I be done with this damn workout yet!!!??? I could check the clock just once to see what time it is. It won't hurt me. . ." Of course, when I do check the clock my brain goes into overdrive thinking: "Seriously? You've got to be kidding me! WTF is this???!!!"
Or rather, it did do that for a time. Now I actually find it is EASIER to workout. I wouldn't say I'm enthusiastic every day, but it's easier than when we first got the treadmill and the bike and I got on and said: "I fucking hate this! I fucking hate this! This is bullshit! I ought to be able to say 'drop the weight! and poof it's gone!"
So I say this is a much better alternative indeed! Lol.
I actually finished my confronting fear Affirmation before my workout was done so I went back to losing weight effortlessly.
I stopped at 1,100.
So in other words, I was at 1,000, then went back to it this evening when I was done with my fear Affirmation and got in another 100 repeats to finish out my workout.
I Brag I've attended my second protest last week on tax day, 4/17 for anyone living under a rock! Lol.
It was a tax the 1% rally in Flint, though there was only a handful of people in attendence. It definitely wasn't like anything going on in NYC or D.C, but I did have fun!
I Brag I smiled at people as they drove by!
My policy, to be cheerful and friendly when interacting with the public/those who are like me!
I Brag a friend of mine filled out an application for me to start receiving transportation from MTA in Flint and she also put me in touch with another Woman who may be able to help me get transportation into Saginaw!
This is Great because then I'll have access to animal shelters and daycare centers where I can volunteer, plus if rallies are being held I'll have access to them as well!!
All in all it works out fabulously!!
I Brag that when I went to the doc today and found out I'd gained 3 pounds back, I was 203 last week and am at 206 this week, I automatically turned it! I may be 206, but I am not 214! That's where I was when I started. I'm inclined to think my highest weight of all was 220/223, but I'd need my medical records to confirm. My lowest was 197 and that was a year or two ago.
I Desire to get to 197 and then beyond!!
I Desire to keep  on with Finer Minds and MindMovies for as long as they prove helpful!
I Desire to confront my fears as I stated earlier, to keep an open heart and welcome love and be a channel for love to flow freely!
I Desire to meet SHAUN MORGAN from SEETHER the next time he comes through MI!!!!!
I Desire to get my period back monthly!!
I Desire to live a pill free life unless they are absolutely necessary to my survival!
I'm Greatful to Natalie, SH, K, Holl, Dad, The Great Pussy in the Sky, the Universe, Mother/Father God, SHAUN, LIV, Cap. Cragen, and the list goes on!
I'm Greatful for their love, bravery *in the case of SVU*, help/support, funny antics, for the laughter they provide and the rage certain people on this list fill me with at times, for it gives me plenty of chances to learn how to deal constructively and overcome my current limits.

An Old Letter Tracking My Progress

I noticed something this week since I've been making changes to my news habits.
A while back you and I discussed the habit we all or almost all share
of allowing ourselves to feel victimized, to play the role of the
victim etc. I noticed after a couple weeks of reading editorials from
Mother Jones and Think Progress among others, that not only do we do
it to ourselves, but if your mind is already set up/has been trained
to think that way, then reading this stuff doesn't help. For someone
who is completely objective it might work, they might be able to read
things without developing feelings about them, but I in my fragile
state of leaving victimhood seem to be super uncoordinated at it at
the moment.
What I mean is they say it's the 99% against the 1%. I can handle
that, but then all of a sudden it's not just Wallstreet victimizing
us, it's the FDA who refuses to put a ban on BPA even though they know
it leaches off canned goods and into our food. It's the Supreme Court
who may completely overturn Obamacare as their calling it. And so on.
My point is, whether it's good journalism or not, a person like me
starts overturning every rock and thinking: "Whose out to victimize us
next? What stupid idiotic fucked up thing will they come up with
So, long story short, I was talking to Holl about it tonight. After we
hung up I proceeded to unsubscribe from Mother Jones and Think
Progress. Their still on my Twitter feed but I'm considering just
bookmarking their pages and then unfollowing them. Then I can just go
check out their updates when I feel like it. Holl says it's good that
I'm noticing these things.
Of course, the sneaky part of my brain cautions me against 'avoidance'
as I'm very prone to doing. I avoided my mother until I got the
ovaries to tell her I was done for example. At the moment though I
think I'm on the right track.

As for my working out instead of doing 5 minute meditations twice a
day and thinking of how I Desire my life to be for 30 minutes a day
I've decided to do affirmations alone as noone said they were
impossible. It's just that changing the way your brain thinks is
apparently quicker/more effective. At any rate, story holds it takes
saying something approx. 1,000 times before your brain starts
believing it, so I've got two affirmations I've been using for three
"I lose weight easily and effortlessly!"
Let me tell ya, that ones a tongue twister if you get going fast with it! Lol.
"I love working out!"
I'm up to 400 times with both of them. I ought to have hit the
thousand mark by the end of the week I figure.
Holl says to make sure I put emphasis on them and don't get to the
point where their something on my calendar that I just 'mark off'.
They must be doing something because I've even gotten back on the bike
and everybody within a 100 mile radius of me knows how I feel about
that bike! Lol.

Finally I was talking to Dad Monday and I realized I was saying
something old and played out. We were in the car and we were talking
about becca and Holly having and driving vehicles. He wanted to know
if Holly would see me more often, I said only if/when she had the
time. At a later time he told me I should ask becca to take me
somewhere when I got bored. But back to the discussion in the car, he
said he wasn't surprised, he new my visits or lack there of with Holly
wouldn't change just because she'd gotten a car. But then he went on
to say how that was why he'd never rely on anyone else, how he'd never
take money from anyone or ask anyone for help, he had God and himself
and that was all he needed and he wouldn't end his life just because
things weren't going his way. What I noticed: My apparent attitude of
Holly and becca moving up in the world and me not was inaccurate. I
was saying it but not feeling it. FOR ONCE I WASN'T FEELING IT! It had
just come out because that's 'WHAT' I'm used to saying. Yikes!
I didn't comment further on the rest of his indictment. It should be
noted here, and I've been intending to write you all week, this was
the same day I was able to mail out my first letters to Congress and
have enough money left over to buy ALL the photos I needed for the
rest of my letters!!! So I mailed out 49 letters and got 195 photos! I
put all the photos in their envelopes and I've got one box of
envelopes sealed and ready to mail out in May when I get my next
check!! I'm crossing my fingers and hoping I can mail out all 195 of
them, but I still need to buy that book with all the mailing addresses
for the rock bands! So we'll see how things go.

Also before I forget, can we discuss getting a donation button up on
my website? I know we semidiscussed it, but I'm not sure what the
difficulty level might be and not sure what the cost is.

I dipped into sweets again this weekend even though Dad is keeping
them in his room for me. I was pissed off that he and rebecca were
going out after the girls left and it was either punching out the
computer again or eating to make the feeling go away so I ate. I was
on my second oatmeal cream pie when I thought: "This doesn't even
taste good. I don't even want it." Of course I ate it and a cupcake
and two honeybuns anyway. Then I got KFC with a chocolate parfette for
dinner. Again Holl says at least I'm noticing these things. She says
noticing is half the battle. What my generous friend DOES NOT say is
that NOT EATING the stuff is the OTHER HALF of the battle! Lol. My
temper seems to have been pretty even since Monday so at least that's
a great sign!! My computer even acted up a bit and I calmly shut it
down and walked away for a bit. I'm not sure how long this will last,
I've controlled my temper before, in fact, if you wanna get technical
I do it all the time by not destroying someone when they say something
that enrages me or when they won't take me somewhere, but
nevertheless, a plus is a plus no matter how long it lasts!!

And last but certainly not least, a report from the government itself
that once and for all proves that I was right about being a part of
some state run agency for blindness or even part of the nfb agencies.
I could be really screwed based on this report *in the way of getting
a job*, but for the moment I'm looking at it in a purely I'M RIGHT
stance and ignoring that part. Lol.
I know this is alot but if you have any thoughts on anything I'll take 'em!!
Talk later tonight!

Press Release:

Report Finds Federal Dollars Used to Segregate and Exploit Workers with

For Immediate Release

Contact: David Card
202.408.9514 x122

WASHINGTON - In a report released today, the National Disability Rights
Network (NDRN) outlined how federal funding is being used to shuttle people
with disabilities into sheltered workshops and deprive them of meaningful
employment opportunities.

"There is a total disconnect between what governments say they want to
accomplish in terms of employment for people with disabilities and how they
are actually spending taxpayer dollars," said Curt Decker, NDRN executive

The report, Beyond Segregated and Exploited is a follow up to a report
released last year that examined the issue of segregating working people
with disabilities in sheltered workshops and the use of the subminimum wage
to exploit their disability for the financial gain of employers. The new
report is an update on progress to end those practices and move toward a
system that encourages integrated employment options that pay competitive

This report also provides additional insight into the complex and confusing
system that pumps millions of dollars into sheltered work despite good
national public policy meant to encourage integration and competitive
employment. The report follows money designated to be spent on integrated
employment as it winds its way from the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid
Services (CMS) and the Rehabilitation Services Administration (RSA) to the
states, state agencies, and finally into sheltered workshops.

"Admirably the message we hear from federal agencies is about the importance
of integrated employment," continued Decker. "Yet the majority of the money
allocated for this purpose actually ends up being spent in facilities that
segregate people with disabilities and isolates them from their communities.

"Worse, our investigations over the past year concluded most of these
facilities do not teach marketable skills or prepare workers for any type of
meaningful work outside of the sheltered workshop. Instead, they trap
workers in endless 'training' programs that pay little if anything, leaving
the 'trainee' impoverished."

The report calls for:

* Ending segregated employment and the subminimum wage by restricting
all federal and state money that is spent on employers who segregate
employees with disabilities from the general workforce.
* Strengthening current and create new tax incentives for employers to
hire people with disabilities in integrated workplaces at comparable wages.
* Increasing labor protections and enforcement of existing law.

The report, found at, is called Beyond Segregated and
Exploited: Update on the Employment of People with Disabilities and can be
found on-line at:

# # #

The National Disability Rights Network (NDRN) is the nonprofit membership
organization for the federally mandated Protection and Advocacy (P&A)
Systems and the Client Assistance Programs (CAP) for individuals with
disabilities. Collectively, the Network is the largest provider of legally
based advocacy services to people with disabilities in the United States.

(Long URL and may appear on more than one line in this
message. Copy and paste the entire URL into your browser)

Thursday, April 19, 2012

The Bitch Speaks 1!

Ok, actually have happy things to write on, but an argument that occured earlier tonight won't rest until I say what I need to.
If I had spoken to this whore instead of walking away this is what I WOULD HAVE said:
"Don't you ever fuckin' disrespect me again because I WILL destroy you! I will rip your throat out, gut you and bury your ass! You think you're queen bee? You're nothing to me! You're a piece of shit, in fact, lower than a piece of shit! You don't want me running interference between you and your fucking kids, shut them the fuck up! Quit using the lame ass excuse that their 'kids' and take them in hand.
And keep this in mind: you aren't always here, you CAN'T always protect them! And if they act around me the way they do around you, I will bust their asses and keep them in their room and if you utter one word of complaint about it when you get home, I'll knock your ass out!
I have NO loyalty towards you, I don't care what you do for me! I only extend any kind of courtesy to you AT ALL because we both live here and I DON'T wish to make trouble for Dad, but you ever cross me again and mark my words, I WILL lay my hands on you! Jail DOES NOT scare me! So carry on at your own risk!
Fuck you!"

Sunday, April 8, 2012


If I new last night what I know now I would have finished my letter to KURT. After all, today is his day of mourning. Though the way I look at it he is to be mourned from the 5th to the 10th of every April. Mourned and celebrated!
Anyway, I started to write him a letter last night, but that was before. Before I got to the end of a book simply titled "Sleepers" by Lorenzo Carcatera. Before I stayed up all night, before I checked my clock which said it was 6:15AM Easter morning. Before I cried so hard I couldn't breathe and snot dripped off my nose and onto the floor where my arms were folded and my head rested in between the space they created. Before I was back there, with my mother and my brother.
To sum it up in one short sentence, "Sleepers" is about 4 friends living and growing up in Hell's Kitchen in New York who have one prank go wrong during 1968 the Summer of Love and are forever changed by being sent away to the wilkinson home for boys.
Of course, that is the short version. The long version is filled with their sexual abuse and torment at the hands of vial guards who are no better than serial killers in my humble opinion! Only their the serial killers of minds, bodies, souls and spirits. People think the damage done to a person is somehow 'less than' because they didn't murder them outright or didn't canabalize them the way albert fish or jeffrey dahmer did. That somehow makes it more tolerable, only it isn't more tolerable! I looked for ANY possible sign that this was fake. Even though I NEW it was a 'true story' from the outset, I prayed, hoped, pleaded and begged for it not to be so. I wanted it to be anything else!! Anything!! It wasn't. It was all to real, to true and to horrific! So why does this haunt me so?
My mother was abused 'once' at the age of 6. But once was to many times and reading this book only gives me a slight insight as to why she became the person she became. Note: I did say a slight insight. I feel like what Lorenzo described is/was just the tip of the iceberg. My mother wasn't in prison, but she might as well have been since it was back in the 60's! And my brother. . . He is dead of a meth overdose, only EIGHT years my senior. EIGHT YEARS!!!! And he to was sexually abused. I know even less about his than I do about hers. He didn't even share this with me, she did.
And laying on my floor this morning at the end of the book, seeing Johnny and Tommy become murderers and Michael and Lorenzo and Father Bobby get them off in their 1980 murder trial of one of the men who tormented them as children, only to have Lorenzo conclude with their untimely deaths in 84 and 85 respectively was a crushing blow to me. I wanted to kick and scream about how it wasn't fair!!!
It probably doesn't help that I also just read "Road Out of Hell by Anthony Flacco and Jerry Clark, son of Sanford Clark, a boy who was raped and tortured in the 1920's by his uncle stuart northcot and forced to participate to varying degrees in the murderers of approximately 20 boys and young men. Yes, I finished both books in one very long day. I have a voracious appetite for nonfiction. Though I sometimes think I'll swear it off for fluffy fiction about bunnies and flowers and all that is good in the world! After all, I won't listen to the metal band canabal corpse for this exact reason, lyrics to ugly, to horrific. . . but a book on the other hand. . . a book is filled with real life experiences. Somehow that makes it better for me to read it than to hear it. The same horror that makes it real, the details of a narative also make it acceptable to read or watch in the case of Law and Order: Special Victims Unit for that precise reason. If it's just made up lyrics it's bs, but if it's a true story than it's not. I look for insight. Insight into the mind of the abused and insight into the minds of the serial killers and abusers. I seek out insight because while I long to believe I'm an inherently good person, I to have been abused and sometimes find sadistic relief in imagining the torture and destruction of those people, bullies, the nurses who held me down and jammed a mask over my face for surgery, and yes, even my family who have occasionally wronged me. And then I find myself wondering if I'm 'normal' in my thought processes or if I'm a horrible person for imagining them suffering. Of course, I don't want them to suffer like that. When I think of making them suffer I imagine punching and kicking and beating them. But then I read stories like this, real, true stories and I curl up and wail like a baby.
So now this afternoon after 5 and a half hours of sleep as I sit here writing this I come back to the conclusion I've been circling around for years.
I am a good person because I could never do what those guards did, what stuart northcot did, or even what my tormenters did to me. In fact, the only time I could throw down like at the Okay Corral would be if someone laid hands on me first. After that, I'd need someone to hold me back, because I wouldn't just punish them for assaulting me, I'd punish them for what every bully did to me, what every operation did to me and even for what was done to my mother and brother. I do my absolute best not to hold grudges, but it's all buried in there somewhere. No matter how hard I try to cleanse myself, it's all there. Just under the surface it lurks, waits to be activated.
Anyway, this post veered from where I think I was originally going with it. I was going for the emotional impact, the fact that I just had to get what I read out of my system. I just had to put all my feelings about it somewhere. I've done that and now I'm not positive what the intent was besides to put it down.
I don't know if I can just leave it. I don't know if I know how, if I've ever known how to put something down, whether it was a book or my past.
All I know is the shockwaves and reverberations of what monsters like those guards did last forever. They role donhill, down the generations and leave indellible marks on everyone they touch. It's like the death of a legend. The only upside here is that ist isn't in the closet anymore.
My mother and Lorenzo may be two people worlds apart, but they both did what they had to and finally stopped hiding and burying it. Sanford Clarke didn't bury it completely though his abuse was 40 years prior. He to had the courage to stand up and that must count for something.
I have no words to express my gratitude to people who share their stories. I would venture a guess that they give me the strength to expose my story different though it may be. Without those who've come before me I would have never had the courage to write my own autobiography.
It can be very expensive to tell the truth, make you feel like you're paying a high price for being honest with everyone else and most importantly, with yourself. Because of these people and lyricists like KURT COBAIN, SHAUN MORGAN and Maynard James Keenan I to can afford to pay the price, to be honest about my story.
Thank you all.
With Love and Gratitude,

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

A Couple Quotes!

At my MySpace blog a long time ago I used to share inspirational quotes.
Here's a couple that I think are really guuurrreeeaaattt!! Smile.
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by
 the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did
 do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe
 harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore.
 Dream. Discover."--Mark Twain
"Anything that has real and lasting value is always a gift from within."--Franz Kafka

A Dog's Plea

So I've decided to clean out my drafts folder today!! Bordem has finally gotten the better of me!! Anyway, here is A Dog's Plea.
An awesome read, but WILL make you cry if you're a big softy like me!!!
TREAT me kindly, my beloved friend for no heart in the entire world is more grateful for kindness than the loving heart of me.
DO not break my spirit with a stick, for though; I should lick your hand between blows, your patience and understanding will more quickly teach me things you would have me learn.
SPEAK to me often, for the world's sweetest music, as you must know by the fierce wagging of my tail when your footstep falls upon my waiting ear.
PLEASE take me inside when it is cold and wet, for I am a domesticated animal, no longer accustomed to bitter elements. I ask no greater glory than the privilege of sitting at your feet beside the hearth.
KEEP my pan filled with fresh water, for I cannot tell you when I thirst.
FEED me clean food that I may stay well, to romp and play and do your bidding, to walk by your side and stand ready, willing and able to protect you with my life, should your life be in danger.
AND my friend, when I am very old, and I no longer enjoy good health, hearing and sight, do not make heroic efforts to keep me going. I am not having any fun. Please see that my trusting life is taken gently. I shall leave this earth knowing with the last breath I draw that my fate was always safeest in your hands.