Friday, August 31, 2012

20 Questions from 2011

1. Your absolute favorite food you could never live without…

2. The book that changed your life…
My own life story is changing my life.

3. How you stay fit…
My balanced diet consists of a Reese in each hand. Lol. Seriously, dance breaks.

4. Your favorite way to relax…
Relax?? What's that? Whether I'm listening to music or watching TV I
can feel the tention in my shoulders. Concerts I would have to say.
I've become so blissed out I've actually stood against the barrier
rail just across from the stage and forgot to sing along. *I sing
along with every single song typically, but I've had a few moments
where I completely forgot and got lost in the singer's voice*.

5. Milk or dark chocolate…
MILK, all the way!!!!!

6. Red or white wine…
Neither, unless people are up for cleaning the mess off the rug. I
can't stand the taste! Lol.

7. One thing you love about your body…
My hair!

8. One thing you dislike about your body…
After surgery on my palate or involving my mouth or tongue, my voice
changes and I really notice it when I start trying to sing again, I
HATE that! Luckily it goes away as I heal.

9. What is your self-care ritual…
Lol. Working on maintaining one! Right now it's a bath. Even if I
forget everything else, I bathe nearly every day, and occasionally

10. What keeps you up at night…
Hoping that I won't be here forever, I mean, in the same place I'm in
now. I'm still more afraid of not succeeding than I've ever been of

11. What do you secretly wish you could change about your life/yourself…
I'd become the patron Saint of patience if I could, and let go and let
God/The Universe/whoever ALWAYS!

12. What is your biggest struggle…
Believing my mottos I've adopted for myself: Example: "Failure is
success turned inside out."

13. What’s on your iPod…
SEETHER, NONPOINT, NIN, NIRVANA. *Tons more*. The thing is chalked to
overflowing, can't fit anything else on it.

14. No one would guess you…
I didn't even guess this about myself. I've reached a point in my life
where there's only THREE people whose opinions matter to me. I mean,
truly, sincerely, if they didn't believe in me I would temporarily
feel shattered. My Dad, ELI and Holl.

15. Your secret skill…
No idea.

16. Proudest moment…
Meeting rockstars are my proudest moments!

17. Guiltiest pleasure…
Overindulging in my Reeses.

18. The superpower you dream of possessing…

19. If you could say one thing to your 16-year-old self it’d be…
Quit trying so damn hard to kill yourself. It didn't work the first
6-8 times, it won't work this time. The Universe is bricking you every
time, just trying to get you to listen. Things will be much easier if
you just flow with it.

20. Your best advice…
Close your eyes and see your partner with your heart, soul and hands.

Follow your intuition.

Explore nature with your entire being. Forget about your sight for a
few hours and use your other four senses.

Grant yourself the grace to simply be on your darkest days.

Realize that the only one you have control over is yourself and the
only one you can help is yourself. You are not responsible for what
other people think, say or do. They are walking their own path and you
are walking yours.

Never lose your sense of humor. It may be the only thing you have left
in a crisis.

Be gentle with your children. Speak kindly to them and reprimand them
in a way that builds character.

Learn from your animals. Sometimes you need to just rub your head on
the floor and put your tail in the air!

Say "I love you" every day and mean it. Hold tightly to your best friends.

Learn to see change as a positive force, something you can use for good.

When angry, learn to take five and return ready to talk calmly.

Speak without offending, listen without defending.

Share your opinions, but allow others to share theirs as well. Keep an
open mind.

Love without reservation.

Learn from your past, but don't hold it against your future.

Use your words so that you always retain your power.

No one can make you feel anything; you are allowing them to make you
feel something.

Don't be afraid to reach out to others and ask for help. Realize that
when doing so, you are simply being human. You are not being weak.

Don't use "work" to hide from yourself or isolate yourself from others.

Put away your cell phones during dinner, whether it's at a fancy
restaurant or McDonalds, please! Be present at all times, as much as
you possibly can. Once this moment is gone, you can't get it back,

Don't be afraid to cry, a full on wailing howling cry when necessary.

Inner beauty will always win out over outer beauty in the long run.

Never stop pushing yourself to grow.

Balance yourself evenly with work and play, whenever possible.

Learn how to truly accept compliments.

Feed your mind, nourish your soul, cherish your body, commune with your spirit.

Never give up on yourself; sometimes you may be your only supporter.

My 2012 As I Desired It At The Time

Originally written:
Sun, Dec 11, 2011 at 9:30 AM

What is your theme for 2012? What does it mean to you?
Starting over.
Starting over means rebuilding from the ground up. Creating a new
foundation for me to stand on. A stable one!

Let's talk about the future...

How do you feel in 2012?
I feel energized, invigorated, revitalized!

What were your highlights?
Going to at least one concert a month and getting swept up in all the energy!!
Seeing ELI and SHAUN out on the road again and being smothered in love
and affection from both of them!!
Meeting my benefactor/benefactress!!
I still feel incredibly honored and amazed that they've chosen me!! I
KNEW I had a message, I KNEW my words were important, but actually
having them back me took me to a whole new level of confidence!! It
isn't enough to KNOW something, I've actually had to see myself in
action to realize just how 'fucking brilliant' I really am and let me
Holding all the Babies I've gotten to hold this year and ending the
year Pregnant myself!!! At the beginning of the year even I had no
idea what was coming and I believed 2012 was MY YEAR!!
Moving to San Antonio in April and meeting tons of hot partners during
the week of Fiesta 19th through the 27th!! The energy was so amazing
here in San Antonio! Screw New Year's Eve, this is where the real
party was at!!! This place was even more alive than I imagined!!! The
people, the food, the energy of the crowds, the enthusiasm of the
bands, it was like one giant Christmas gift just for ME!!!
I have a house about a block from the River Walk!! I can come out my
door every morning and be right in the thick of it!!! Sadie has
adapted beyond my wildest dreams!! I found her a trainer who gets her
quirky CockerSpaniel ways and she's no longer eating paper and sheets,
not to mention she actually alerts me when she has to go outside and
when we do go out I don't have to put her on a leash because she
always comes back!!!! I've even got her in a play group with other
Cockers and she is just blowing me away with her social skills!!
KittyKitty is typical KittyKitty, though she has made SLIGHT room in
her heart for a Kitten I adopted the first week I was here and named
Fluffy. We had a Rabbit named Fluffy and this Kitten's fur is like
Rabbit's fur I swear!! On top of all that, I'm doing work I DESIRED to
do all along!!! I have three days a week at an animal shelter teaching
Dogs and Cats how to trust people again. I've created my own nitch
here petting and holding and coaxing. I only give baths to the
non-picky ones and NEVER clean up the mess! Smile. What could be
better than that? Speaking of cleaning I have a maid to clean my house
and a chef who takes care of all the cooking! It's amazing how I can
eat well and be happy at the same time without having to lift a finger
to do it myself!! Though I do cook, because I love it! In fact, there
was the night the chef and I hooked up and made chocolate cake. . .
however that's x-rated!! Hahahaha!! A striking Mexican man with
dreadlocks down to his butt and an accent that could melt the
bitchiest of Women. . . and those hands, don't get me started on those
hands!! I have two days with Babies in the NICU, rocking, comforting
and just being there for them. I'm always shocked at how many parents
just take off. Then again there are some truly amazing parents who
stick around and genuinely care for their children and I'm touched and
inspired by their presence. The last two days are spent with Babies in
the regular nursery. Their so darn adorable!!! I could just eat them
up whole!!! That Baby smell, the sounds they make and those tiny
cries!! Sometimes they cry and I tear up just hearing them! It's like
Christmas every day of the year!
I couldn't ask for anything better than this!! I have an editor for my
book, "The Messenger Unveiled", she's been AMAZING at helping me get
everything in order!! In return I've been her babysitter and
confidant. No small feat for a Woman who has a story of her own to
share. I've told her I'd love to help her get it out on paper!!
So I said I was Pregnant earlier. Olivia Marie is her name and I'm 6
months along as I type this!! I'm glad, I didn't Desire her to be born
in January!! It's a rip off! The only thing worse would have been
giving birth to her on Christmas Eve/Day!! She deserves all the
presents she can get and this way she will!! Her Dad, ELIAS *no
relation to ELI SORIANO unfortunately* is one amazing lover and
provider!! The minute he found out I was Pregnant he started providing
and he didn't even have to!! Considering my lack of sexual experiences
I haven't settled down with him, but I'm thrilled to know he's Livia's
Daddy! I couldn't have picked a better choice!! He completely
understood where I was coming from right from the start and has been
nothing but supportive!! Then there's Juan who is hilarious!! It's not
even his Baby and he kisses my belly and sings songs to her!! He calls
her his little M&M!! Emma is my OTHER BFF!! We're girlfriends and
girlfriends! Lol. She to adores my girls, buys them little gifts and
treats them like their hers! She also understands that they are part
of my "FAMILY", just because their two Cats and a Dog has no baring on
it whatsoever! I to have a wider social group, I'd say I have about
four friends who are TRUE FRIENDS, people I can call on in my hour of
need. I have so many Christmas parties to attend it's not even funny!!
I look back on last year and still find it hard to wrap my head around
all the amazing change that has gone down!! It really is incredible!!

What was your primary emotion?
GREAT!! Indescribably guuuuurrrrreeeeaaaatttt like Tony the Tiger!
Smile. I have been so filled with joy and happiness and over the top
loopiness I sometimes wonder if I'll ever come down!

Did you experience any big changes?
Um. . . My whole life has changed!! I have invitations to parties as I
said, I have a super close group of friends who I can rely on, my core
group and then a wider ranging network of friends who share my
interest in music, Babies, animals, cooking and TV watching!! I'm
Pregnant!!!! I have an incredible sex life and my life on the whole is

What is in your life than wasn't before?
A core group of friends, not just ONE go to friend whom I hang all my
shit on! I have people Desiring to serve me whether it's something as
simple as dinner or as elaborate as a tantric sexual experience!! I'm
making connections with groups of people doing humanitarian work and
planning a trip to Africa after Olivia is born! Right now we're just
working out the kinks! I'll have my first ever passport in my hands!!
I've never had need for a passport before!! The biggest thing that's
in my life that wasn't before though is LOVE!! When I say that I mean
a LOVE for and of life! I actually believe life is worth living now! I
believe I have a place here, I'm serving the greater good, I AM A
WORTHWHILE PERSON because I'm doing something to help the world!!

What are your core values? Name at least 5.
FREEDOM!, open lines of communication, trustworthiness, honesty, being
respected as a confident well-adapted person.

What passions did you pursue?
Working with Babies and animals, working on birthing my book and I've
even hooked up with a hard rock cover band! They think I'm an awesome
singer and have asked me to sing for them this weekend at 'The Shop'!!

Let's take a look at these areas of your life.

Personal: Self-esteem, Exploring, Travel, contribution, creativity
I feel like I've written it all before, but my self-esteem is quite
high considering I'm doing my life's work now!! I feel stable and
happy. no, thrilled to be living!! I'm traveling to Africa and who
knows what's after that! The door is wide open!! My next Desired trip
would be to China! I feel like I've contributed ALOT over the past
year!! I look back over the year and sometimes find myself overwhelmed
by the enormity of what I've done! I am one incredible Goddess!! And
creativity!! I've been painting and singing up a storm!! I dance so
hard I've had to take it down a couple notches with Olivia in here!!
Lol. No more jumping and bouncing till my ribs and entire torso ache
and burn with the pain of a fabulous night out!!

Social: family, friends, significant others, etc.
I've created MY OWN family!! My family consists of my friends, my four
girls and anyone I choose to call "FAMILY". Of course there's my blood
family, but now that I'm out on my own I can have MY family as I
Desire it!!
I have my four core group of friends who I can rely on for anything
and an extended network of friends to big to count!! I feel buried in
love, soaked and covered in it! I don't have 'a' significant other!
I've let go of the idea of ONE person for the moment simply because
I've come here and found waaaay to many beautiful people to just
settle down with ONE! Having said that, I feel the freedom that comes
with NOT being bogged down by 'tradition'! I'm creating my own
tradition and I love it!!

Spiritual: Life purpose, meditation, church, prayer, higher power
My life's purpose isn't one thing. However, for the purpose of boiling
it down into one definition, but that would cover a huge depth and
breadth. . . it is to be of service to others. Now whether that good
is rocking an Aids infected Baby or helping an elderly Woman get
something off a shelf or going down and joining in the clean up the
river project for Earth Day doesn't matter. It all fits under the
umbrella of being in service to others.
Meditation is what it is. I'm not a traditional person, never have
been, but then again everyone's meditation is different anyway. The
closest I get is taking a horseback ride, petting my animals or
sitting in a rocking chair holding and caressing my Pregnant belly for
an hour. Their my forms of meditation.
I don't attend traditional church, nor do I tend towards prayer very
often. I live by the morals that I identify with.
Treat others how you want to be treated.
I don't engage in activities that would knowingly or intentionally
cause harm *bodily or otherwise* to others.
As for a higher power, Goddess/God *Mother/Father*.

Physical: Health, body image, style, personal environment, sexuality
My health is probably the best it's been since I was aprox. 8 and the
doctors told my mom I was at a healthy weight! I walk and swim and
dance my booty off! I even have a beeper ball so I can play volley
ball or beach ball with my family!
My body image is also quite high!! My hair is long down past my lower
back, my nails are kick-ass and I'm glowing like I just had the best
sex of my life even when I haven't! Lol. I take my vitamins and take
care of myself and Olivia!!
My style is what it is. I like fluffy and furry and glittery and
sparkly! I'm still in band tees and stretch shorts and pants! I've got
dresses and skirts, long and flowy and short and showy!! I'm a mixed
bag and I haven't changed a bit!
My house is filled with Mexican furniture and art that I can feel and
take Pleasure in every time I sit in it/touch it!! I didn't buy any
piece without actually thinking about it first! I have two beds
because I couldn't decide on a select comfort or a tempurpedic! Lol.
And I'm still considering a canopy bed because I love those to!
Then again I have a lover with a canopy bed so. . . I don't really
need one when I've got his. Hahahaha!!

Professional: Career, passion, etc.
My passions are quite intertwined as we've discussed before, so my
career is caring for Babies and animals!! Public speaking will hit
that list soon as my book gets published in 2013!!

Financial: Debt, savings, security, abundance, etc.
I'm proud to say I had no debt before because I had no credit and I
couldn't really accrue debt without a credit card!! Having said that I
am still debt free and my Desire is to remain so!! I am currently
saving up my SSI, they don't know about my benefactors, risky but I do
what I have to do, and when my book publishes and I kick the ass right
out of the public speaking world I'll be even more in the black!!!
I have the abundance of Bill Gates, or so it seems and after "The
Messenger Unveiled" is published it shall be so!

Sadie Marie Medina!
Original birthdate unnone.
First birthday with us: 2/15/2009
Welcome home baby!
Gracie Marie Medina
Best Doggie Daughter of them all!
Original birthdate unnone.
First birthday with us 4/11/02.
Died Friday 1/23/09 4:35PM.
Mommy misses you baby!

Assignment from 2011

Old assignment from December 2011:

What are you thankful for?
Two vacations!! One to Houston/San Antonio with Holly in Febuary and
Miami just last month!

What amazing memories did you make?
Any time spent at a concert was an amazing memory!! The way that I've
felt has been indescribable!! Seeing ELIAS, having Jay Loren sign my
shirt, receiving the two live shows SHAUN and the boys recorded,
buying the album and seeing him the very night before it came out!!!
I've said it before, but that is my drug right there! It's also what
keeps me sane, without me coming home and feeling 'regret' that it
wasn't better/I wasn't such a failure. There is no way I can possibly
link it to 'I'd be out on my own if it weren't for this concert!' or
some such thought and so I come home feeling as fabulous as I did the
first time I came home from a show! Even if they initially cause
strife between my Dad and I, I can easily forget it and get so lost in
the shows nothing else even matters! I Self Pleasure at least once a
day, if not twice and I even got to go to the fair again this summer.
Neither can compare to those shows. If I could get pregnant via live
music. . . . um, I'd be poppin' out Babies left and right! If I could
have a home through music, I'd have a billion homes already! If I
could have ANYTHING I Desired via music, I'd have it and more!

What are you most proud of?
I've been stepping out of my comfort zone big time, whether it was
getting up on stage in Miami or telling my sister I wouldn't put up
with her shit anymore, or just using my cane to get around Walmart
irrespective of how that makes anyone else feel.
Holly's and my relationship seems to be finding some level ground
where I'm not hurling all I've put down here at her, on her all the
time and she in turn is more apt to make time to talk on the phone and
come to shows with me. I've begun to put my relationship with my
mother, or the lack of one, to bed in a more permanent manner. Every
little thing she does/doesn't do doesn't effect me the way it used to.
I graduated VPBC which means I have new graduation memories to replace
the high school one!

What difficult things happened during the past year?
Rebecca's collapsed lung which nearly killed her, Becca moving out
*more or less the fact that it brought up feelings of abandonment and
'the past/how things used to be.' The realization that no matter how
much it is not in my Pleasure, nor my Desire, I AM alone and always
will be. Meaning, that noone else can walk in my shoes with me, and
even if their 'in my head' with me, they won't understand me
perfectly, exactly, because they aren't me, not in my skin, don't view
things the way I do. The realization that 'family' is NOT stable,
reliable or even trustworthy at times. The realization that no matter
whose remedy I take, whether it's Regina's, yours *no insult
intended*, there is no fix. It took 25 years for me to get here, so
it'll take another 25 to get anywhere and that's only if I quit
falling back into old patterns. There is nothing that happens in the
blink of an eye and unless I learn to accept that without lashing out
at others or myself I'm fucked to put it bluntly.

What disappointed me?>
Do we really Desire to touch this???? Everything. This includes my
vacations. I only say that because going on those vacations, while
good for me in the short term was not good in the longterm. I came
home feeling like I had to claw someone's eyes out and stomp on
somebody's throat to get what I Desired. Instead of calming me I got
glimpses of how it could be and than came back to this which put me
back to when I was 5-6 and hurting cats and choking my sister *in
terms of my mentality*. You can't hold a gun to the universe's head
and say 'Change or else!' because the universe will laugh in your
face. It doesn't care what your plans are or what you Desire. You do
what it wants, how it wants, and respond appropriately to situations
or it gives you the 'or else' ultimatum and you're the one bending
over, not the other way around.

Where did I fall short?
Playing the victim, being impatient, and having the shortest fuse I've
had probably ever. I'm not a gangster, but that has been my mentality,
waiting for someone to piss me off so I can beat the shit out of them.
Even Rebecca's little comments set me boiling and noone even notices
but me myself because I know my own temper. I'm laying in bed and
thinking about killing my family *Dad being the exception oddly
enough* to get what I want. If everyone were dead he'd move to Texas
just to have some kind of family. Or thinking if I just leave my
candle on all night maybe I'll get lucky and the house will burn down.
Without question my thoughts have turned suicidal and homicidal. Some
days I feel like I'm holding onto the barest threads of my humanity.
Being trapped is never a good place to be.
And being honest with people online/offline and having them have no
solution or suggestion gets twisted and I have to untwist it. Hating
hating hating! That's a huge one I've fallen short over. Being so
determined that I'll get what I want that it's eaten everything else
up in sight. Fuck family, fuck friends, just give me what I want or
get out because you are of absolutely no use to me. Another big thing
to fall short on.

What lesson did 2011 bring me...
Get your shit together, Michelle!
Reason being if I hit age 27 without having had something change
drastically, most likely a combination of somethings *moving on my
own, having more friends, beginning to create a family of my own*, I'm
prepared to be done with it all, irrespective of how valuable I
supposedly am to society and my family. January 14th, 2013, 5:45AM I'm
prepared to commit suicide by gun, pills, whatever, doesn't matter.

Because of 2011, what do you now believe...
I'm so good at holding space for two totally opposite points of view
*old and new* that people really do think I'm 'joking' when I say
things that if someone else said them they'd actually be concerned
about it.

Because of 2011, what are you currently obsessed with...
Getting out of dodge!

For 2012, I will be letting go of...
My Desire is to let go of anything/anyone who doesn't serve me/help
me/encourage me/inspire me/lift my spirits up.
Whether it be going through my harddrive and deleting everything that
isn't essential to me there, or going through my closet or my familial
relationships or anything. Nothing is out of bounds or off limits!

In 2012, these are the harmful habits I will be getting rid of...
Self hatred, self distruction, anything that involves the word self
and something harmful.

In 2012, I will do...
ANYTHING I have to/feel I have to to get out on my own.

In 2012, I will have a new-found respect or understanding for...
Time and it's lack of importance in my life unless I make it important.

In 2012, I am leaving behind...
My old family and my old self.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Inside The Rage

I know everyone will either say that what I'm about to share is normal, or alternately that the police should be called and I should be put in restraints! The Shaman I visit once a month says it's about letting the rage go. . . I'm the type of person though, if you tell me to let something go then it's your job to SHOW me how to let it go! Don't say let it go, because that fucking shit means NOTHING to me! You say let it go, and I say, ok, I'll cut or take pills or do something equally wild to let it go. At the very least I'll seek out one of those charity events where I can smash a car to smithereens with a baseball bat! I am a physical person! My rage is physical! People can't handle it, then get the fuck out my way!
Barring that noone has any fluffy ways that ACTUALLY work to get rid of it, writing is my best bet next to destroying myself. . .

I am enraged!!
Enraged enough to puke my intestines out!
Enraged enough to spit!
Enraged enough to bite!
Enraged enough to claw!
Enraged enough to destroy this whole world and everything in it and on it!
Enraged enough to spontaneously combust!
Enraged enough that I can feel my pussy tingling and my stomach burning from the inside out!
Enraged enough to feel my throat bursting with bloody raw screams, vocal chords ripping and shredding as they come spewing out!
Enraged enough to feel my neck and shoulders tighten and tense beyond belief as though I were in the fight of my life!
Enraged enough that no touch will soothe me, no song reach me, no voice placate me!
Enraged enough to hang myself months before my time!
Enraged enough to once again forsake everything I'm striving to accomplish!
Enraged enough to say fuck it all!
Enraged enough that my head pounds with gunfire!
Enraged enough that I can feel my skull cracking wide open and my brains boiling over!
Enraged enough that no part of me does not ache!
Enraged enough to BE THE RAGE I seek to release!

I am seething! Roiling! Bubbling over!!!


It's the family.
It's attempting to MARKET myself, something I refuse to do, or at least my soul refuses to do!
It's that I still won't get out enough, no matter what I do!
It's that I feel, at this very moment, like the most incompetent piece of shit on this planet!

Actually. . .
It's everything!!
Everything I've bottled up, held in, am holding in right now.
Sure I'm typing this, but I felt like slamming that door when I brought the dog in but I didn't.
I felt like bowing my head and running headlong into the dresser, the kitchen counter, anything that would make my neck snap and kill me! But I didn't. . .
I still feel like vomiting, like burning, like destroying myself, but I'm not.
I feel like eating everything in this house, but I haven't.
I feel like I am not just in the middle of some shitty birthing process, but like I haven't even fucking crowned yet and I'm being squeezed until I fucking blow!
I feel like I will pop, burst, explode!!
I feel like sleeping forever!
I feel like running from this house, like running and running and running some more!
I can even hear my feet destroying the pavement beneath me, feel the earth herself trembling beneath this weight!!
I feel overwhelmed and underwhelmed and crushed!
I feel completely unseen and wonder what the point of being seen is anyway!
I feel vulnerable beyond all reason, like I have bared my bloody battered soul for the inspection of millions and I don't give a fuck!
But I think I really do.
I feel that my needs, my Desires mean nothing, because I mean nothing!
I feel that I'm asking too little and not getting enough, like I will NEVER get enough!!
I feel like crying and dying and screaming and breathing and bleeding and pleading!
I feel overexposed and underexposed!
I feel like noone hears me and like they do hear me but refuse to care!
I feel empty and numb and discarded and mangled!
I feel overlooked and neglected and used and abused!
I feel nothing but rage!
I won't even cry, it simply isn't in me!

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Confessions on Blindness, Clefting

Naturally it would have behooved me to write this earlier when I was ACTUALLY thinking about it!!!
Now the title isn't so grand and what's more, I'll probably write something herein that I've already written before! Imagine that!!
At any rate. . .
A possible loose thread has been brought to my attention that I ought to be dealing with SOONISH, as in before I attempt college or maybe even before I attempt to raise money to attend the National Publicity Summit and get my book edited and published!
My body image coach believes I have a problem with my blindness. She admits she doesn't see me interacting with people every day, but nonetheless she believes I have an issue with it.
Now. . . I carry my cane I didn't used to do this. . . I tell people I'm blind or visually impaired ALOT, I didn't used to do this either.
I've been leaping out of my comfort zones lately, riding in cars with strangers to go door to door campaigning for President Obama. I've been asking for help more often, something I detested doing! And yes, while it's still not my favorite thing to do, for fear that people will think I'm super impaired if I ask them for help, I do it anyway.
However. . . there's still issues.
I don't act blind. I look people in the eye, I don't keep my head down or look up at the ceiling. I don't rock back and forth or side to side.
Nevertheless, I announce myself as visually impaired or blind and as I said, I carry a cane. This leads me to wonder. . . if she's right, what exactly am I supposed to do to remedy this problem?
Get more blind friends? Invest money in blind organizations? Where a sign written in neon lettering that screams I'M BLIND!! while standing in the middle of the busiest street in downtown Flint or Saginaw? She says no. . . but I want answers on how I'm supposed to resolve this.
I get it. If it weren't an issue I wouldn't be pissed off. So she's right and it's an issue. Or so self help logic holds. It's an issue if I protest too much! It's an issue if I deny it! It's an issue no matter what I do or don't do. If I call her up and tell her I did walk in traffic with a sign like that just to prove it's not an issue then it's an issue because I took drastic measures to prove it wasn't!
So what's a Woman to do? Besides stew about it, which I've already been doing off and on since last night when we discussed it.

Secondly, and definitely linked. . . We discussed how I define myself. I am Michelle. I am also blind and I have a Tessier Cleft. She says these are facts. Yeah. Their facts like having prosthetic eyes or bbrown hair so dark some say it's actually black.
I don't see it this way though.
I agree that they are facts.
I also KNOW without question that they have shaped and defined WHO I AM and they always will. My Mexican heritage has also shaped and defined me and IT always will.
Plain and simple, these do define me. I have a choice in HOW they define me. Do I view them in a good light? Or do I view them in a bad light? But even this becomes subjective if you believe that everything is as it is and is only "GOOD" or "BAD" once YOU project a feeling onto it. A thing can be neutral and not be GOOD or BAD unless or until YOU project feelings onto it.
I tell her that tearing that out of my identity makes me less. I don't use those exact words, but that's how I see it. Without these things I am less because they have made me who I am. She says it's irrelevant and I see this NOT!
If I were a banker with eyesight and a face that Goddess built as opposed to the one that Jack or The Doctor *if you prefer* built then I would be different. This isn't a question, It is also a FACT in my opinion. You can't be anyone other than WHO YOU ARE and how do you become WHO YOU ARE? You become WHO YOU ARE based on the experiences and events that shape your life!
Can you or I change our positions? Our beliefs? our thoughts? YES! No matter how much changes though, these facts, these building blocks and foundations of our existences will always remain THE SAME!
Even if I gain my sight I will always be the Woman who WAS BORN BLIND and then GAINED her sight. Not the Woman who always had it.
And I will always be the Woman born with a Tessier Cleft who wrote the first half of her autobiography based around that very Cleft and the blindness that came with it.
Is that a bad thing? I think not.
I'm okay with that.
Are others okay with it? Maybe maybe not.
Do I need to care about how they feel about it? No, I don't.
As an aside, I will say this.
She is right that there are a boat load of emotions around my blindness, perhaps lingering there on my Cleft as well.
Any one would have those emotions if their parents raised them in guilt and anguish over how they were born and if they knew right from the beginning that they had to PROVE their worthiness.
Those I believe are only worked out through time.
If it took me 26 years to get here it may very well take me another 26 to get THERE.
And I'm okay with that to.