Friday, August 31, 2012

Assignment from 2011

Old assignment from December 2011:

What are you thankful for?
Two vacations!! One to Houston/San Antonio with Holly in Febuary and
Miami just last month!

What amazing memories did you make?
Any time spent at a concert was an amazing memory!! The way that I've
felt has been indescribable!! Seeing ELIAS, having Jay Loren sign my
shirt, receiving the two live shows SHAUN and the boys recorded,
buying the album and seeing him the very night before it came out!!!
I've said it before, but that is my drug right there! It's also what
keeps me sane, without me coming home and feeling 'regret' that it
wasn't better/I wasn't such a failure. There is no way I can possibly
link it to 'I'd be out on my own if it weren't for this concert!' or
some such thought and so I come home feeling as fabulous as I did the
first time I came home from a show! Even if they initially cause
strife between my Dad and I, I can easily forget it and get so lost in
the shows nothing else even matters! I Self Pleasure at least once a
day, if not twice and I even got to go to the fair again this summer.
Neither can compare to those shows. If I could get pregnant via live
music. . . . um, I'd be poppin' out Babies left and right! If I could
have a home through music, I'd have a billion homes already! If I
could have ANYTHING I Desired via music, I'd have it and more!

What are you most proud of?
I've been stepping out of my comfort zone big time, whether it was
getting up on stage in Miami or telling my sister I wouldn't put up
with her shit anymore, or just using my cane to get around Walmart
irrespective of how that makes anyone else feel.
Holly's and my relationship seems to be finding some level ground
where I'm not hurling all I've put down here at her, on her all the
time and she in turn is more apt to make time to talk on the phone and
come to shows with me. I've begun to put my relationship with my
mother, or the lack of one, to bed in a more permanent manner. Every
little thing she does/doesn't do doesn't effect me the way it used to.
I graduated VPBC which means I have new graduation memories to replace
the high school one!

What difficult things happened during the past year?
Rebecca's collapsed lung which nearly killed her, Becca moving out
*more or less the fact that it brought up feelings of abandonment and
'the past/how things used to be.' The realization that no matter how
much it is not in my Pleasure, nor my Desire, I AM alone and always
will be. Meaning, that noone else can walk in my shoes with me, and
even if their 'in my head' with me, they won't understand me
perfectly, exactly, because they aren't me, not in my skin, don't view
things the way I do. The realization that 'family' is NOT stable,
reliable or even trustworthy at times. The realization that no matter
whose remedy I take, whether it's Regina's, yours *no insult
intended*, there is no fix. It took 25 years for me to get here, so
it'll take another 25 to get anywhere and that's only if I quit
falling back into old patterns. There is nothing that happens in the
blink of an eye and unless I learn to accept that without lashing out
at others or myself I'm fucked to put it bluntly.

What disappointed me?>
Do we really Desire to touch this???? Everything. This includes my
vacations. I only say that because going on those vacations, while
good for me in the short term was not good in the longterm. I came
home feeling like I had to claw someone's eyes out and stomp on
somebody's throat to get what I Desired. Instead of calming me I got
glimpses of how it could be and than came back to this which put me
back to when I was 5-6 and hurting cats and choking my sister *in
terms of my mentality*. You can't hold a gun to the universe's head
and say 'Change or else!' because the universe will laugh in your
face. It doesn't care what your plans are or what you Desire. You do
what it wants, how it wants, and respond appropriately to situations
or it gives you the 'or else' ultimatum and you're the one bending
over, not the other way around.

Where did I fall short?
Playing the victim, being impatient, and having the shortest fuse I've
had probably ever. I'm not a gangster, but that has been my mentality,
waiting for someone to piss me off so I can beat the shit out of them.
Even Rebecca's little comments set me boiling and noone even notices
but me myself because I know my own temper. I'm laying in bed and
thinking about killing my family *Dad being the exception oddly
enough* to get what I want. If everyone were dead he'd move to Texas
just to have some kind of family. Or thinking if I just leave my
candle on all night maybe I'll get lucky and the house will burn down.
Without question my thoughts have turned suicidal and homicidal. Some
days I feel like I'm holding onto the barest threads of my humanity.
Being trapped is never a good place to be.
And being honest with people online/offline and having them have no
solution or suggestion gets twisted and I have to untwist it. Hating
hating hating! That's a huge one I've fallen short over. Being so
determined that I'll get what I want that it's eaten everything else
up in sight. Fuck family, fuck friends, just give me what I want or
get out because you are of absolutely no use to me. Another big thing
to fall short on.

What lesson did 2011 bring me...
Get your shit together, Michelle!
Reason being if I hit age 27 without having had something change
drastically, most likely a combination of somethings *moving on my
own, having more friends, beginning to create a family of my own*, I'm
prepared to be done with it all, irrespective of how valuable I
supposedly am to society and my family. January 14th, 2013, 5:45AM I'm
prepared to commit suicide by gun, pills, whatever, doesn't matter.

Because of 2011, what do you now believe...
I'm so good at holding space for two totally opposite points of view
*old and new* that people really do think I'm 'joking' when I say
things that if someone else said them they'd actually be concerned
about it.

Because of 2011, what are you currently obsessed with...
Getting out of dodge!

For 2012, I will be letting go of...
My Desire is to let go of anything/anyone who doesn't serve me/help
me/encourage me/inspire me/lift my spirits up.
Whether it be going through my harddrive and deleting everything that
isn't essential to me there, or going through my closet or my familial
relationships or anything. Nothing is out of bounds or off limits!

In 2012, these are the harmful habits I will be getting rid of...
Self hatred, self distruction, anything that involves the word self
and something harmful.

In 2012, I will do...
ANYTHING I have to/feel I have to to get out on my own.

In 2012, I will have a new-found respect or understanding for...
Time and it's lack of importance in my life unless I make it important.

In 2012, I am leaving behind...
My old family and my old self.

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