Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Thank you Dear Readers!

Hello Readers!!,
So I HAD a schedule when I first started posting here! The deal was I'd post every Monday. Wednesday and Fridays were possibilities, but taking a lesson taught me by a friend and coach, I didn't want to lock myself in to early and get overwhelmed and not have things to write about, or alternately, overbook myself.
*Before we go any further, please don't mind spelling! I'll do my best to fix it as I pride myself on being a great speller, but I'm on my 'old' Dell Inspiron Mini 10, and the keyboard is crap. It isn't really old, it was just bought in January of 2010 when I was down at the louisiana school for the blind. My 'New' Dell Inspiron Mini 1018, which I just bought this Febuary, has lost it's arrow down key, which is very very bad, because almost every command I use, involves that key! Lol. Examples include arrowing down through text on Facebook and here at Gmail, or lists of song or movie titles in my music and movie folders. I also use it in conjunction with the F key to page down and I use it and the home key to read an entire text document *like this blog when I'm done typing it*. So you can see why I had to switch computers! But, on this keyboard, though no keys are 'missing', my S O and I keys aren't working properly, so if you see any of those letters missing, that's why. I have to press down on them harder than on my other keys to get them to type! Lol. Yes, I'm kinda rough on my poor keyboards! Great news is that I have bought a new keyboard for the Dell Inspiron Mini I'm on now. The bad news is I can't find a keyboard for the 1018! CRY! Lol. Oh well, it shall arrive under grace and at the perfect time*!
Anyway, back to my life.
That WAS my schedule, until my stepmom went into the hospital. To make a very long story short, she went in for a surgery to remove a tumor the size of a watermelon! *Good news, it's benign*! However, she has had asthma for a looong time now, and it picked that day to act up. She was on the OR table when her airway and one lung collapsed. She was at 35% oxygen for aprox. 35-45 minutes. When they got her stabalized and moved her out of surgery, she was taken to the critical care unit.
She got out of the hospital Tuesday night *it's been two weeks now*, and has been home resting comfortably since then. The brain damage is minimal thus far, she has trouble remembering where some things are located and what some things are called, but other than that she's doing well.
Needless to say, I'd been writing about surgeries and I was hit with the realization of just how much I've disconnected from them. That doesn't really make sense I know, but I have. I worry about pre-op. Will they get a needle in on the first try? If they don't, how many times will they have to stick me? And post-op. How much pain will I wake up in? How long will I be restricted from the foods I love? How long before I can go home? Did they remember to give me anti-nausea meds along with the anesthesia?
I don't worry about 'the ssurgery' itself. I don't think: What will happen on the table? I'm thinking about when will I wake up, not WILL I wake up? So I realized that even though I've told you all stories, I've just bearly scratched the surface of what really goes on.
Part of it is that I don't know what goes on. Thank Goddess I've never woken up in the middle of a surgery or anything terrible like that. But on the other hand. . . my body has completely disconnected from it and I've disconnected from my body.
Once I had that realization I didn't know what to do with it and it took nearly three weeks to discuss it with my coach.
I'm thrilled that I've discussed it, I just don't know where to go from here. Or rather, what to write about. I feel like I need to satisfactorally close this chapter, but I don't know how to.
I have more surgeries to come, so even if I do close it here, it won't really be closed.
I don't tend to write in a linear fashion, but I'm not sure what to say after that.
The idea that we almost lost her shook me up good.
The idea that I was so disconnected from my body, even more than I realized shook me up and made me feel like a bit of a fraud *in terms of writing here*.
I don't feel like a fraud anymore, and I'm not all that shook up about my stepmom now that I know she's alright.
There has been a lasting impact on me though, and I'm not sure how to put it into words, which is rarely a problem for me.
I'm not even sure how to wrap up this post. . .
This is all I have for now though, and I hope you all enjoy it, at least to the extent that you know what's going on with me.
Thank you very, very, very much for reading and commenting and if any of you are sharing my blogs, thank you for that to!
With more to come,

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