Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Wakeful Wandering Exercise


It was cold out there. My hands, my ears, my nose. It felt dark and dreary.
I'm thinking of this, this cancer. I've seen it before, my Great
Grandma died of it. I remember her not remembering me. I remember how
hollow her skeleton was when i held her. These things I should not
think at school.
Then I hear cars rushing and some one in class breaking the rules by
talking to some one else. I feel the sun. It feels like there's a
whole other world out there.
I am in here and it is out there and I feel no connection to it.
I keep thinking of cold. Cold from the inside out, the kind that isn't
helped by wearing boots and gloves and coats. The kind of cold that is
so deep in me I feel there's no way to get it out.
I need to get it out but am unsure of how to get it out.
People say sorry. They tell me to take care of myself. I'm the
caretaker!! At home in michigan, I care for them! So how do I care for
myself here?
What am I supposed to do?

Has participating in this exercise changed over the course of the semester?
If I step outside myself long enough I'd say yes. I'm not exactly sure
how, but I feel more awakened and aware.
My counselor told me I have hypersenses. I sense everything and
everyone and then overload on it like a drug. That was something else
I contemplated during this walking exercise and I'm certain she's
right. It would definitely explain this over emotionality I've been
displaying off and on for my entire life.
It feels good to have an answer, or at least a ghost of one.
I am changed though. I'm starting to acknowledge things in myself I
wouldn't before. I also notice more things. Cars, water raining down
on us, then that little drip drop thing it does when it falls from a
leaf on a branch. So yes, it has changed and so have I.

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