Untitled

Came home tonight after seeing Baby.
I've never been so brokenhearted in my life. Never been happier
either. Happy and healthy!!
NOT MINE!
I can't sleep. I've laid in bed for the past 3 hours thinking about
ending it. Why is it that I always think about it and yet, haven't
ever succeded at it?
Not that I haven't tried, I've just always failed.
No prospects and I'll be 28 on January 14th 2014 if I make it that long.
Why haven't I just gone ahead and cut? I don't know.
I can feel it. I can feel the blood racing through my veins and out of me.
Nobody would find me till morning. She's really better off without me
if I'm only going to do this anyway.
No sense having her grow up with me for a few months and then ending it.
Might as well cut off the pain at the source before it gets worse,
before it hurts her.
Congratulations? I'd rathe be drunk. Rather stick a needle full of
poison in my arm, rather swallow a bottle of cleaning fluid, rather do
anything but be here!!
I fucking hate here! I hate there to! I hate everywhere!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I used to hate people who had a life. . . now I hate everybody! People
with kids, people with partners, hell, I fucking hate people with
prospects!!!!!!!!!! Even they have more than I do!
I hate people with money and people who can drive and people who are
happy and people who don't have kids and don't want them and are
happy!!!!!!
I hate this and if I had will enough I'd end it already!
Even if cutting hurts, it won't hurt for long, just a little. . .
besides, I'm used to it. So I would normally be asleep when they cut
me open. . . who the fuck cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Where is my partner?????
Where is my baby???????????
Why the fuck am I so hated???????????
Why am I so unlovable?????????????
Why am I not good enough, smart enough, gentle enough, caring enough,
compassionate enough?????????????????
I know I'm not alone and yet, that's no consolation.
To be brutally honest, I don't fucking care that I'm not
alone!!!!!!!!! So fucking what!!!!!!!!!! Should I be HAPPY because I'm
not alone????????
Well fuck self-righteous fuckers who think like that! Kiss my ass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Who the fuck are you to say what I ought to feel????????
Eat shit and die!!!!!!!! Go fuck yourself and fuck everything you
stand for while you're at it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Give me what I fucking want and then I'll be quiet. Until then, fuck
off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!