Sunday, July 8, 2012

More Than Sisters, Less Than Lovers

Thu, Sep 23, 2010 at 4:05 PM

I never wanted to acknowledge that my mother was right, about
anything! How could she be 'right' when she screwed up so many things?
However, she is right about at least one
The action or inaction a person takes speaks much louder then any
words they can utter.
I said: I want to celebrate my accomplishments! I know you understand,
you get me! Let's celebrate together!
It wasn't 'to late' when I said it, I didn't procrastinate, I didn't
sit on my hands. Yet, there was almost no time.
I've been talking about Christmas, Thanksgiving, Halloween &
birthdays. These things are months, a month, or a few weeks in
advance. Just depending on when I initially brought them up & the time
that has elapsed since I originally brought them up. Yet, there's no
time penciled in, & when the 'time' does come, there could be
something else that's got to be done.

The actions tell me:
I don't care. I'm to busy. You aren't important. You're in my way. You
lean on me to much. Your to close.

Do those actions mean what they say? Most likely not. But that doesn't
stop the words from echoing in my head. I'd almost rather that you
slapped me in the face. I'd almost rather that you yell at me. I'd
almost rather that you punch me.
I realize we're on different wave lengths & I've been dealing with it.
I don't call every day, I don't bother you on FB every day. I like
comments you make or comment on things you post, but I don't try to
purposely insert myself into your life.
I feel I've bent as far as I can though. It's hurting & it's hurting
too much for me to stay silent anymore. Although I've tried to speak
up in the past, but I feel as though I'm not heard. There's an
invisible wall there & I'm doing everything I can to climb it, to get
around it so we can talk, but I can't do it alone.
I know, it's a balancing act. Life in itself is this whole balancing
act. To be happy, to be sad, to be angry & violent or calm & stoic,
it's all a balancing act.
So what's going wrong here? If I asked a year in advance would that
make it better? Could you pencil me in then?
I'm not being snippy, I truly want to know. How far in advance should
I ask & if I do, will you promise to fit me in?
I don't want to talk in circles we're to good at that already. I want
answers. So do I come up with them or do you? Should we work on them
together? Isn't that what family does? Work on things together, come
up with solutions together?
It's like we're family but we aren't. Other people seem to come first,
consistently. Is that true? Maybe not. Does it feel true though,
unfortunately it does.
Things will never be what they might have been. We're grown now & I
know that. We're moving together but separately & I know that to.
Just how far apart are we moving though? Is this going to be 180
degrees of separation?
I will ALWAYS have your back. If you need me, I'm there. Fuck the rest
of my family, if you're in crisis & you need me & you call me, I'm
gone. A plane, a train, a bus I don't care. Money is no issue. If you
ever need me, for anything, I will be there.
If I need you though, will you be there? When Sadie dies, when Tigger
dies, will you be there? When it comes time to bury them, will you
I could sit here & list all the obstacles that could impeed & get in
the way, but forgetting those obstacles, because family is more
important, can I call you? If being there in person isn't possible,
can I pick up the phone & will you be there to answer it?
I have your back, period. Do you ever question that? If you do I don't
know about it, so there it is. If you ever have questioned it, you
don't have to. I've got your back, period. ALWAYS & FOREVER!
You are my sister & I've got you. I just wonder if you have me.
When we were kids, I never saw myself asking that question. Not once,
ever. Now I do & I wish I didn't.
I wish I new & I wish I didn't have to.
We had such a great time when I was over last time. I'm trying to
remember if I brought up anything depressing, & how we discussed it.
You say you see the changes & most of the time, their high up on
display. I like them to. That's why I want to celebrate them! & I want
to celebrate them with you because you saw them! You respect them, you
pointed them out! You're like the lighthouse on the shore of the
miserable lake I was stuck in! & most of the time, I'm out of it now!
I'm with you on the shore basking in the sun & the light & I love
being there! I loved our picnic *minus the walking*, & even though it
wasn't the 'highlight' it had it's bright spot! I loved the ducks &
being by the water & it was great! So we have those moments & I wish
we had them more often! For as long as we've been friends, I put tons
of crap on you. You gave me some to, but not nearly as much as I gave
you. & I wonder, if we both love them, then where do I go wrong when I
ask to get together? Or do I just ask too much, period.
All I can do is guess & speculate & my brain is to damned good at
conjuring up 'stuff'. For all the changes, it can & does still run
away with me.
So if you can, set me straight. Tell me how to fix it or that there's
nothing I can do, or that we aren't into the same things anymore, or
that we never were. It's ok, I can take it, I have to. I took a much
harder blow when we were younger & I withstood it. I'm still your
friend, so please, just tell me what to do & what's wrong or tell me
that there's nothing to be done.
It feels like we've had alot of this over the past 2 years, & I hate
that. Especially now when we've both got new chapters in our lives,
but it seems it's still here & I can't handle it anymore & especially
on my own.
Love you.

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