ORIGINALLY POSTED ON MY PINK POSSE BLOG ON OR NEAR
Fri, May 14, 2010 at 6:47AM
This starts off random as I'm working on the
morning pages in Julia Cameron's "The Artist's Way" workbook, but I
absolutely needed to share this even though you aren't supposed to,
because after the random stuff came a real doozy of thoughts on fear.
Thanks for reading,
So here I am, reporting my first morning to class. I've done
journaling before, but not morning pages where I just write whatever
pops into my head. This should definitely prove to be interesting!
I'm actually thinking: "Ok, what am I thinking?". Lol. This morning I
actually seem to be put together, go figure that one since I didn't
sleep last night! I laid down a little after 1 & "tried" to sleep, but
it didn't work. I rested, but didn't sleep, so I got up an hour & a
half later & said: "Okay, screw it."
Of course, now I'm tired! Lol. I'm also hungry which isn't good since
we don't have milk. Guess that means no cereal for me. I suppose I
could have oatmeal but. . . Do I want it is the question.
I can't wait! I'm going to Holly's today!! Woohoo!! & just think! They
say Fridays are unlucky?? Sure they say if it falls on the 13th, but
seriously! Fridays are good! I'm seeing her today, & next Friday I see
SHAUN!! Just think, SHAUN!!! Woohoo!!! What I wouldn't give to become
part of his FRIDAY NIGHT AFTERPARTY!! But ah, I digress! Lol.
I set my alarm for 6 & then forgot to turn it off, so Sadie lept off
the bed when she heard it! Lol. She knows alarm means food! & that
makes her happy. Normally she doesn't get fed till 12PM & then again
at 6. It's just convenient that way so she's on a schedule & if I
don't wake up at the crack of dawn it won't affect her. She's my
CockerSpaniel for anyone who doesn't know.
Sometimes I can handle this silence, other times I can't. I'm deafly
afraid of public service announcements, have been ever since I was a
child. We aren't talking a little afraid either. We're talking
daymares as I call them. When the TV's off & the Radio's off & it's
completely silent, which it actually isn't since my sister's getting
ready for school, but it's silent enough, it's terrifying for me
sometimes. Public service announcements, just writing the words scares
me. Whether their about drugs, alcohol or car accidents, they all have
the same effect on me. They make me shiver. They chill me to my core &
they frighten the hell out of me! The car crash ones, I can feel the
blood on my own skin. It's sticky & oozzey & makes me feel cold. I can
feel the bones break & imagine someone's shattered skull somehow
connected to mine. As in sticking out of mine, or vice versa. I've
been in an accident, but it must be cel memory that's getting me,
because I don't consciously remember it. I was only 1 or so when it
happened, my mom crashed into a telephone pole. But she was ok & so
was I. I only know that because she told me. But now it frightens me.
As I said, I can feel the blood & the broken bones. I can feel the
pain of it & hear the flatline on the monitor. I can feel the cold of
the dead body & hear the sound of the saw cutting into flesh & bone at
the autopsy. Alternately, the drug psa's, it's like the drug itself
comes alive. I know logically that actual people are warning you away
from drugs, but instead of being people, it's like they turn into the
drug, or the drug turns into them. So the person is the drug & the
drug now has a voice & arms & legs. It can think & move & that means
it can chase me down & "get me" as it were. I've been trying to
understand this for two years now. My old therapist recommended
exposure therapy, but it hasn't helped. I can't even face the TV or,
more commonly these days, the computer screen when they come on. I
have 2 playlists chuck full of them on youtube.com & try to watch them
every couple weeks, but as I said, it doesn't help. In fact, I'm
almost more frightened now then I was when I started the therapy. HIV
commercials are the same. It's all the same. I feel like running &
hiding under my bed! Or running to Daddy & hiding with him. It's
unrealistic, I'm almost 25 years old, but it is what it is, & this is
what it is. I want to change it. I want to be able to see a PSA on
fire or whatever & not feel like it's "watching" me, or going to
"attack me", but all the watching doesn't seem to help, & all the
digging around in my memory for some reason for it isn't helping.
"Like the sun we will live to rise,
Like the sun we will live and die!
And then. . . ignite again!"
"Live to Rise"--Christopher Cornell/Soundgarden, from The Avengers Soundtrack