ORIGINAL EMAIL SENT ON OR NEAR
Sun, Jul 4, 2010 at 1:53 AM
I have so much to tell you, hopefully we can talk soon.
I'd rather talk then type, blah! Lol.
Anyway, here something to read when you get home.
I found this website through PP (Pink Posse), & decided to share how I
was finding my joy.
This is very long, so please bear with me.
Finding My Joy Through Grief
On January 23rd 2009, at 4:45PM, I lost my Doggie Daughter Gracie. She
was my first CockerSpaniel and she was with me through every trial and
tribulation from Friday April 11th 2003 until that agonizing, bitter
afternoon when she died of a heart problem.
I stumbled around for three weeks trying to make sense of it. I new
she was an old dog, but still! In my mind she never got older then 5.
That's how old she was the day my parents brought her home from the
I couldn't bear not finding her on the couch or not tripping over her
at night when I got up to go to the restroom. She would lay in front
of my bedroom door at night as if she were guarding me.
It was so bad that night as I bathed and brushed her for the last
time, all I could think about was crawling into the ground with her.
My best friend Holly actually stood there holding onto me after I'd
placed her in the ground as if she new my thoughts. I would go outside
at night and lay atop her grave in the snow and weep for her bitterly.
I told my friend I had to get another dog, another CockerSpaniel. That
was the only solution.
On Sunday Febuary 15th, my Father and I pulled up to a rescue mission
an hour and a half away from home.
We went in to see the CockerSpaniel the woman had said we could look at.
She was the only Cocker the woman had and was terrified of everything.
"She's from a puppy mill." the woman said off handedly as if it was no big deal.
Once the woman found out I was blind that only complicated matters.
"She runs from everyone. You won't be able to catch her. It won't work."
She and my Dad carried on a conversation while I sat with this
nameless beautiful baby girl. I had to sit in the corner with her
because she wouldn't come to me.
She lay very still on her stomach, head on paws, nothing even letting
me know she was alive but her panting. I sat with her for 2 hours and
still not one movement.
The woman was still not sure but I said:
"Call our vet, check our references! I want to take care of her! I
know what it's like to have society not believe in you, I can take
care of this dog!"
She finally agreed on a "trial" basis. I had to agree to call her and
let her know how the dog was doing to.
I settled on Sadie as her former name was Socks and Sadie was closely
related to Gradie, which my Dad called Gracie often.
On the drive home she licked my hand. I new we were set! We had to be!
At home though, she wouldn't eat for 3 days. She seemed to hate my
sister's dog Duke, even though he was just a big furball trying to get
acquainted with her.
She never showed signs of agression, just acted like a puppet on a string.
Everywhere I went, she went in my arms. Where ever I sat her, she
stayed until I was ready to take her somewhere else.
She was afraid of the children, shaky about being on a leash, confused
on the grass outside and the carpet inside. She wouldn't even look at
you if you called her name.
She hid in my room whenever I'd let her get away with it and would try
to escape the few times we let her off the leash.
She ate wet puppy food for the first month.
Fast forward to today, Independence Day 2010.
She still doesn't really know how to play with other dogs and isn't
sure of the kids. She runs away if she comes into the livingroom and
discovers that you've seen her make her grand entrance!
She still isn't even sure about toys and doesn't play fetch, but when
I ask her who the baby is she crawls to me on her belly. When she
sleeps her head lays on her front paws and her back paws stretch out
behind her, feet pointing out sideways! She loves to be outside and
runs around crazily in the grass.
She's a chocolate colored CockerSpaniel, which is very rare, so Dad
says in the winter when the snow is piled high she looks like a little
white calf running through it.
And just this evening I heard her chewing on something so I rushed
over to investigate! She had dragged Duke's chew toy into my room and
claimed it as her own! I couldn't have been more ecstatic!
Out of my anguish over losing Gracie came something absolutely beautiful.
I believe Gracie sent Sadie to me not just for her sake, but for mine.
Through Sadie, I'm slowly learning to push my own boundaries and
expand my own horizons.
Not only am I blind, but I was also born with an extremely rare birth
defect called a Tessier Cleft. Since I was 9 years old I've been
hiding myself, isolating myself from the world in my bedroom.
After I graduated public schools in December 2003 (graduated 6 months
ahead of my class), after my mom left my Dad in March of 2004, I had
only put up more walls, more defenses.
I believe Gracie sent Sadie to me knowing that through helping Sadie
find her joy, her Perfect Doggieness, I would also start trying to
find my joy, my Perfect Humannity.
And she was right.
Thank you Gracie!