Sunday, July 8, 2012


Tue, Jun 29, 2010 at 11:18 PM

My memories hurt me.
I should be able to relive the past & feel happy, but the majority of
the time I can't.
I remember my sister as a child.
I helped feed her. I rocked her, played with her, made funny faces at her.
She had this fuzzy rattle with a hand hold. Whenever I tried to take
it away from her, she would growl at me!
That should make me smile, & it does for a second. But now we're so
far apart a rattle won't bring us back together.
She's too much like my mother & I'm too much like my father. It's like
oil & water.
We just aren't anymore.
I remember the day she came home crying her eyes out because her
friends wouldn't let me be a part of their club.
Now, she wouldn't want me to be part of her club even if she had one.
I remember Dad playing legos with me & taking me to the park.
After Becca came along, that all stopped.
I remember mom playing Egbert. It was kind of like Barney, someone I
could tell all my thoughts to, no matter what those thoughts might be.
She even had this voice & everything.
I remember her bouncing me on her knees & singing:
"This is the way the ladies ride, the ladies ride, the ladies ride,
This is the way the ladies ride so early in the morning."
She'd go through the gentlemen & the farmers & when she got to the
soldiers I always thought I'd fly off her lap!
That was fast back then.
I remember her singing other songs to. She had it. I used to be so
impressed! She new all the words & she could actually carry a tune!
That was soooo cool!
I remember digging for worms in the summer & toads & frogs. Catching
grasshoppers & butterflies, picking cattails & exploring the woods
with her.
Finding all the pussywillows & moss on the trees, she let me touch everything!
Everything was new & smelled so good & sweet & clean!
It was the closest to heaven you'll ever get on earth.
I remember skipping rocks with my cousins, before they all grew up &
left me to my own devices.
I remember sledding with Mark my brother & falling through the ice in
the ditch! Oops! Lol.
I remember him babysitting us & listening to all his rap music.
Mom woulda killed him if she'd known back then! The thought still
makes me smile.
I had an imaginary friend named of all things, Turpentine! Lol. I
actually thought that was a rockin name back then!
We had this table with the flaps on it. In other words, if you pulled
the flaps up & into place, the table was bigger. Then when you didn't
need them anymore, you just pulled them down.
I used to go under the table to play with Turpentine. I would push
them up, but not all the way, just to hear them bang when they came
down. I liked the clatter. Lol.
I remember a time when I was actually thrilled to go to school!
I had this horse that I'd bounce up & down on, & it would go squealing
around the yard. It made so much noise! Lol.
I'd bound down the driveway on that thing when the school bus came!
That was pre-school. I went from 2 & a half until I was 5, then onto
kindergarten. Blah!!
I was so excited, I can't even put it into words for you. I was
addicted to swimming & swinging & being pulled around on my scooter or
bouncing around on one of those huge (at the time they seemed huge)
exercise balls with the handle.
They had what reminded me of a big air mattress, & they blow it up &
we'd all jump up & down & play around on it.
When gym class was over, they'd let all the air out & we'd roll around
on it to make sure it was all out. We used to eat PB&J's for lunch, &
I remember having chocolate milk with it & thinking:
"This doesn't go together. . ."
But now I'd kind of like to taste it again, just to remember it better.
We played with beeper balls & shaving cream! Shaving cream was one of
my favorite things in the world!!
Then I went to public schools & started getting the snot beat out of me.
My cousins grew up & took off to have their own lives & never looked back.
Becca came along & everything changed. Then we moved across the street
from our old house & she got friends & everything changed.
Mark left to eventually & now he's dead & things will never be the same.
Even Dad changed after the split. He grew up just a bit & will tell me
I have to grow up to.
I refuse. I may be 24, but I had practically my entire childhood taken
from me! I won't let anyone take away my adultchildhood to!
Even being best friends with Holly has changed. We were going to go to
college together, be roomies, blah blah blah.
But none of that happened.
& now I remember all these things & I wish I could forget them,
because they don't feel good anymore! They hurt!
It's like everything's bad. The bad things are bad & the good things
are bad to, because everything's painful.
Everything hurts & I wish I could just wipe my memory clean of
everything until the day I woke up & said:
"Ok, I'm ready to move forward now."
But how do you move forward when you're constantly reminded of the
past. Or, at the very least, how do you make tainted memories
untainted, so you can remember without feeling like your heart's being
crushed in a vice?

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