ORIGINALLY POSTED AT MY PINK POSSE BLOG ON OR NEAR
Tue, Jun 29, 2010 at 11:18 PM
My memories hurt me.
I should be able to relive the past & feel happy, but the majority of
the time I can't.
I remember my sister as a child.
I helped feed her. I rocked her, played with her, made funny faces at her.
She had this fuzzy rattle with a hand hold. Whenever I tried to take
it away from her, she would growl at me!
That should make me smile, & it does for a second. But now we're so
far apart a rattle won't bring us back together.
She's too much like my mother & I'm too much like my father. It's like
oil & water.
We just aren't anymore.
I remember the day she came home crying her eyes out because her
friends wouldn't let me be a part of their club.
Now, she wouldn't want me to be part of her club even if she had one.
I remember Dad playing legos with me & taking me to the park.
After Becca came along, that all stopped.
I remember mom playing Egbert. It was kind of like Barney, someone I
could tell all my thoughts to, no matter what those thoughts might be.
She even had this voice & everything.
I remember her bouncing me on her knees & singing:
"This is the way the ladies ride, the ladies ride, the ladies ride,
This is the way the ladies ride so early in the morning."
She'd go through the gentlemen & the farmers & when she got to the
soldiers I always thought I'd fly off her lap!
That was fast back then.
I remember her singing other songs to. She had it. I used to be so
impressed! She new all the words & she could actually carry a tune!
That was soooo cool!
I remember digging for worms in the summer & toads & frogs. Catching
grasshoppers & butterflies, picking cattails & exploring the woods
with her.
Finding all the pussywillows & moss on the trees, she let me touch everything!
Everything was new & smelled so good & sweet & clean!
It was the closest to heaven you'll ever get on earth.
I remember skipping rocks with my cousins, before they all grew up &
left me to my own devices.
I remember sledding with Mark my brother & falling through the ice in
the ditch! Oops! Lol.
I remember him babysitting us & listening to all his rap music.
Mom woulda killed him if she'd known back then! The thought still
makes me smile.
I had an imaginary friend named of all things, Turpentine! Lol. I
actually thought that was a rockin name back then!
We had this table with the flaps on it. In other words, if you pulled
the flaps up & into place, the table was bigger. Then when you didn't
need them anymore, you just pulled them down.
I used to go under the table to play with Turpentine. I would push
them up, but not all the way, just to hear them bang when they came
down. I liked the clatter. Lol.
I remember a time when I was actually thrilled to go to school!
I had this horse that I'd bounce up & down on, & it would go squealing
around the yard. It made so much noise! Lol.
I'd bound down the driveway on that thing when the school bus came!
That was pre-school. I went from 2 & a half until I was 5, then onto
kindergarten. Blah!!
I was so excited, I can't even put it into words for you. I was
addicted to swimming & swinging & being pulled around on my scooter or
bouncing around on one of those huge (at the time they seemed huge)
exercise balls with the handle.
They had what reminded me of a big air mattress, & they blow it up &
we'd all jump up & down & play around on it.
When gym class was over, they'd let all the air out & we'd roll around
on it to make sure it was all out. We used to eat PB&J's for lunch, &
I remember having chocolate milk with it & thinking:
"This doesn't go together. . ."
But now I'd kind of like to taste it again, just to remember it better.
We played with beeper balls & shaving cream! Shaving cream was one of
my favorite things in the world!!
Then I went to public schools & started getting the snot beat out of me.
My cousins grew up & took off to have their own lives & never looked back.
Becca came along & everything changed. Then we moved across the street
from our old house & she got friends & everything changed.
Mark left to eventually & now he's dead & things will never be the same.
Even Dad changed after the split. He grew up just a bit & will tell me
I have to grow up to.
I refuse. I may be 24, but I had practically my entire childhood taken
from me! I won't let anyone take away my adultchildhood to!
Even being best friends with Holly has changed. We were going to go to
college together, be roomies, blah blah blah.
But none of that happened.
& now I remember all these things & I wish I could forget them,
because they don't feel good anymore! They hurt!
It's like everything's bad. The bad things are bad & the good things
are bad to, because everything's painful.
Everything hurts & I wish I could just wipe my memory clean of
everything until the day I woke up & said:
"Ok, I'm ready to move forward now."
But how do you move forward when you're constantly reminded of the
past. Or, at the very least, how do you make tainted memories
untainted, so you can remember without feeling like your heart's being
crushed in a vice?
Michelle
Showing posts with label be. Show all posts
Showing posts with label be. Show all posts
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Mom
ORIGINALLY POSTED AT MY PINK POSSE BLOG ON OR NEAR
Mon, Jun 28, 2010 at 12:46 AM
It's been 6 years since you left. Funny, it doesn't seem like 6, but
there it is.
You left March 5th 2004. We had my cousin's wedding to attend that
night! You couldn't have picked a worse time to leave!
Of course, you weren't worried about timing.
I woke up & went into the livingroom. Grandma & the cousins were
sitting around talking. It was complete numbness for everyone
apparently.
Some of them were carrying out furniture, Dad included & those who
weren't were sitting there talking.
I asked what was going on & you said you were leaving. I felt like I
was 3 again, & semi acted like it.
I followed you & Dad around the house asking if I could help with
anything. I couldn't, so I just kept wandering.
When you left Dad went with you & I thought he was crazy! Why was he
helping you move out when there were other people there to help???
That wasn't his job!
But even in the end he bent over backwards for you.
You took the good furniture & allowed it to waste in Grandma's basement!
But I don't care about that.
You didn't pay child support for becca & Dad let you get away with it
even though we were suffering!
But I don't care about that.
You left Dad with a $133000 loan up against the house, & now I have to pay rent!
But I don't care about that.
You blamed me for your divorce:
"Well, you're right. I'm not good enough for you or your sister or your father!"
But that only hurt a little. . .
You came into the house & attacked Dad verbally & physically, which
almost lead to your demise! (Which would have left me in prison thank
you!)
But that only hurts some.
You left becca & Dad in the dark! I had to carry their weight, plus my
own! I had to suck in all my pain & fake my way through it!
That hurt even more.
But the worst thing you did was rip my foundation out from under me!
& that I care about! That hurt, still hurts!!!
I could say all kinds of things to you, call you a bitch & a whore for
sleeping around on Dad while you were married!
But that won't solve anything.
You made me question my morals, my values! Everything I ever new, ever
believed in, you broke it! You crushed it, shattered it & still that
wasn't enough!
You had to jump on the shards of glass, use your heels to ground them
into the floor, make them disappear! Leave them lost, unreachable to
me!
& for that, I still hate you!
You left some of your clothes behind in the early days. Some of your
high heeled shoes & I sat in your closet inhaling the scent from those
clothes.
I held those shoes & remembered clomping around in them when I was a
little girl.
You said you were sorry, but then you screamed at me to get over it!
You said if your parents divorced when you were 3 & you got over it, I
could surely get over you & Dad!
But I couldn't for the longest time.
Even now I hate this house. We have a new mom, 2 new sisters, new
dogs, new cats, a "new life" as it were.
But this house still holds you in it. & the house across the field
where we used to live holds even more of you.
You seem to seep into everything!
Why can't you get out?? Why can't you leave me alone!!
I still cry when I hear "Family Portrait" from Pink. It's nearly
unbearable listening to Evanescence's "My Immortal".
& forget Mario Whinan's & P. Diddy's "Don't Wanna Know".
I can still hear becca singing:
"Oh mommy, we don't wanna know, if you're creepin' keep it on the low,
cuz our hearts just can't take it anymore!
Oh mommy, we don't wanna know."
& Britany's "Every Time" "Every time I try to fly I fall, without my
wings I feel so small".
I still cry. & I could go on forever with this list, but I won't.
There was a time when every little thing reminded me that you weren't
around & some days, I feel like I'm still back there.
Most days I feel ok, but the other days I don't.
I've given up talking to you, your hopeless!
You act like we should feel bad, like we're the ones who left.
Well screw you! You left us! Y.O.U. left us!
Then you got sick. Scleroderma, your going to die. Probably from the
drinking & smoking first though at this rate.
Sometimes I wish you were dead, then I could pretend you really loved
& missed me while you were gone, or even better, I could pretend that
you never wanted to leave, that you died & that's why you left, & it
wasn't your fault.
It was out of your hands. But that's not so.
I loved you. I remember your depression, I remember you crying, the
rape when you were a child.
I remember all that. How could I forget?
& it's the one thing that makes it hard for me to push you completely
out of my life.
I keep seeing that damned little girl! That scared, frightened, lonely
little girl! & she's me! She belongs to you, but I have my own & so it
makes it a million times harder for me to push it, you away!
I still hate you! But I still love you. I'll never figure out why, but I do.
You left me afraid of men, afraid I'd never gain your approval, afraid
of losing your love (which I never had), afraid to love others, to let
them in & take my guard down!
You left me clinging to broken blood stained memories even after everything!
You shook me when I pissed you off when I was little. You screamed at
me! Tried to control my thoughts, my feelings, to speak for me!
You tried to keep me locked up with you & keep me away from other
women because you were so insecure!
But I loved you! I'd have walked through fire for you! I did walk
through fire for you!
We all did! Just like "My Immortal" says!
We held your hand, we wiped away your tears, we tried to fight off all
your fears!
We were a family!! A FAMILY!!! & you took it away!
Divorcing Dad was one thing, but you divorced us!! We cramped your
style & you visit only when it works for you! We're the last "things"
to do on your "to-do" list!
You carried us! I thought that meant something! You gave birth to us!
Doesn't the fact that we came out of your body, that you heard our
hearts beat & counted our fingers & toes mean anything????
Some will blame it on your addiction to alcohol, but that's just a cop
out! You had quit drinking & smoking for 6 years & you started back up
because YOU chose to! Nobody held a gun to your head!
You wanted to be a teenager again, not that I know why, because your
teenage years sucked! But you chose it!
& yet, I still have the common decency to want to make sure you're
taken care of before you die.
I don't want you in a nursing home for fear they won't take care of
you like I would.
I hate you for tangling me up & I hate you for jumbling all my
thoughts & trying to run my life & control my relationships!
But I still love you.
m.o.m.
I will not bow to this anymore though. So if I see you I see you & if
I don't I don't.
If we talk we talk & if we don't we don't.
If you're proud of me great if not I don't care!
It may take me 6 more years to release all this agony I had to cover
up while helping Dad & becca, but I'll push through it one way or
another.
& once I'm gone, I'm gone. I'm not looking back & you can forget
having a phone number or a forwarding address, cuz it's not happening!
My whole life you've tried to control me, break my relationships up
(grandma & Dad, on the Dad score you failed, but grandma has her own
bs to apologize for)!
But you can rest assured you won't do it again. I won't give you the chance.
Michelle
Mon, Jun 28, 2010 at 12:46 AM
It's been 6 years since you left. Funny, it doesn't seem like 6, but
there it is.
You left March 5th 2004. We had my cousin's wedding to attend that
night! You couldn't have picked a worse time to leave!
Of course, you weren't worried about timing.
I woke up & went into the livingroom. Grandma & the cousins were
sitting around talking. It was complete numbness for everyone
apparently.
Some of them were carrying out furniture, Dad included & those who
weren't were sitting there talking.
I asked what was going on & you said you were leaving. I felt like I
was 3 again, & semi acted like it.
I followed you & Dad around the house asking if I could help with
anything. I couldn't, so I just kept wandering.
When you left Dad went with you & I thought he was crazy! Why was he
helping you move out when there were other people there to help???
That wasn't his job!
But even in the end he bent over backwards for you.
You took the good furniture & allowed it to waste in Grandma's basement!
But I don't care about that.
You didn't pay child support for becca & Dad let you get away with it
even though we were suffering!
But I don't care about that.
You left Dad with a $133000 loan up against the house, & now I have to pay rent!
But I don't care about that.
You blamed me for your divorce:
"Well, you're right. I'm not good enough for you or your sister or your father!"
But that only hurt a little. . .
You came into the house & attacked Dad verbally & physically, which
almost lead to your demise! (Which would have left me in prison thank
you!)
But that only hurts some.
You left becca & Dad in the dark! I had to carry their weight, plus my
own! I had to suck in all my pain & fake my way through it!
That hurt even more.
But the worst thing you did was rip my foundation out from under me!
& that I care about! That hurt, still hurts!!!
I could say all kinds of things to you, call you a bitch & a whore for
sleeping around on Dad while you were married!
But that won't solve anything.
You made me question my morals, my values! Everything I ever new, ever
believed in, you broke it! You crushed it, shattered it & still that
wasn't enough!
You had to jump on the shards of glass, use your heels to ground them
into the floor, make them disappear! Leave them lost, unreachable to
me!
& for that, I still hate you!
You left some of your clothes behind in the early days. Some of your
high heeled shoes & I sat in your closet inhaling the scent from those
clothes.
I held those shoes & remembered clomping around in them when I was a
little girl.
You said you were sorry, but then you screamed at me to get over it!
You said if your parents divorced when you were 3 & you got over it, I
could surely get over you & Dad!
But I couldn't for the longest time.
Even now I hate this house. We have a new mom, 2 new sisters, new
dogs, new cats, a "new life" as it were.
But this house still holds you in it. & the house across the field
where we used to live holds even more of you.
You seem to seep into everything!
Why can't you get out?? Why can't you leave me alone!!
I still cry when I hear "Family Portrait" from Pink. It's nearly
unbearable listening to Evanescence's "My Immortal".
& forget Mario Whinan's & P. Diddy's "Don't Wanna Know".
I can still hear becca singing:
"Oh mommy, we don't wanna know, if you're creepin' keep it on the low,
cuz our hearts just can't take it anymore!
Oh mommy, we don't wanna know."
& Britany's "Every Time" "Every time I try to fly I fall, without my
wings I feel so small".
I still cry. & I could go on forever with this list, but I won't.
There was a time when every little thing reminded me that you weren't
around & some days, I feel like I'm still back there.
Most days I feel ok, but the other days I don't.
I've given up talking to you, your hopeless!
You act like we should feel bad, like we're the ones who left.
Well screw you! You left us! Y.O.U. left us!
Then you got sick. Scleroderma, your going to die. Probably from the
drinking & smoking first though at this rate.
Sometimes I wish you were dead, then I could pretend you really loved
& missed me while you were gone, or even better, I could pretend that
you never wanted to leave, that you died & that's why you left, & it
wasn't your fault.
It was out of your hands. But that's not so.
I loved you. I remember your depression, I remember you crying, the
rape when you were a child.
I remember all that. How could I forget?
& it's the one thing that makes it hard for me to push you completely
out of my life.
I keep seeing that damned little girl! That scared, frightened, lonely
little girl! & she's me! She belongs to you, but I have my own & so it
makes it a million times harder for me to push it, you away!
I still hate you! But I still love you. I'll never figure out why, but I do.
You left me afraid of men, afraid I'd never gain your approval, afraid
of losing your love (which I never had), afraid to love others, to let
them in & take my guard down!
You left me clinging to broken blood stained memories even after everything!
You shook me when I pissed you off when I was little. You screamed at
me! Tried to control my thoughts, my feelings, to speak for me!
You tried to keep me locked up with you & keep me away from other
women because you were so insecure!
But I loved you! I'd have walked through fire for you! I did walk
through fire for you!
We all did! Just like "My Immortal" says!
We held your hand, we wiped away your tears, we tried to fight off all
your fears!
We were a family!! A FAMILY!!! & you took it away!
Divorcing Dad was one thing, but you divorced us!! We cramped your
style & you visit only when it works for you! We're the last "things"
to do on your "to-do" list!
You carried us! I thought that meant something! You gave birth to us!
Doesn't the fact that we came out of your body, that you heard our
hearts beat & counted our fingers & toes mean anything????
Some will blame it on your addiction to alcohol, but that's just a cop
out! You had quit drinking & smoking for 6 years & you started back up
because YOU chose to! Nobody held a gun to your head!
You wanted to be a teenager again, not that I know why, because your
teenage years sucked! But you chose it!
& yet, I still have the common decency to want to make sure you're
taken care of before you die.
I don't want you in a nursing home for fear they won't take care of
you like I would.
I hate you for tangling me up & I hate you for jumbling all my
thoughts & trying to run my life & control my relationships!
But I still love you.
m.o.m.
I will not bow to this anymore though. So if I see you I see you & if
I don't I don't.
If we talk we talk & if we don't we don't.
If you're proud of me great if not I don't care!
It may take me 6 more years to release all this agony I had to cover
up while helping Dad & becca, but I'll push through it one way or
another.
& once I'm gone, I'm gone. I'm not looking back & you can forget
having a phone number or a forwarding address, cuz it's not happening!
My whole life you've tried to control me, break my relationships up
(grandma & Dad, on the Dad score you failed, but grandma has her own
bs to apologize for)!
But you can rest assured you won't do it again. I won't give you the chance.
Michelle
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Week 1: Lesson 6, Imagining My Lover
I went into this late night meditation with a perfect memory of what
my Desire was. . .
I managed to sit on the floor for a full 10 seconds or so before my
mind kicked in and I wasn't thinking about my soulmate.
I started thinking about my ear infection and whether it was
completely gone, that it was interesting that my doc put me on
steroids to 'dry me out' *I have fluid behind my eardrum so kept
hearing a whooshing sound in my ear* since I'd never heard of anyone
being put on steroids before for an ear infection. I'd already done a
course of antibiotics.
Anyway then I started thinking about this commercial break
80scommercialvault posted on youtube.com quite a while back.
The ad break is from MTV back in the 90's, and one of the commercials
is a public service announcement about drinking and driving. "Old
Ainsign" is playing, the car crashes and the narrator says: "Don't
play with death. . . don't drink and drive!"
Sidenote here, I'm fully blind, no light perception even, and have
been terrified of public service announcements since I was a little
girl. I mean terrified to the point of waking my mom or Dad up at 3AM
in a panic or refusing to get out of the bathtub until a scary psa got
over. In our old house the bathroom was just off the livingroom so I
could hear it from the tub.
I managed to push through the fear and even tried to hear my voice
saying: "I'd like to tell you a secret. . ." in line with imagining
telling my soulmate a secret about myself, thinking if I could imagine
myself saying the words I could pull myself back on track. No dice.
Then I started thinking about how hard my floor is, how I ought to
vacuum it soon, how my hands and feet are cold. . . their always cold
in this house! Dad keeps temps at around 70, and with our house being
so big the heat whether from the fireplace or the furnace doesn't warm
the entire house so the bedrooms are almost ALWAYS cold in the winter.
So cold that we all sleep with several blankets sheets and comforters
on our beds. I currently have flannel sheets and two comforters.
Then about my posture, I'm not sitting up FULLY straight. . . I moved
my arms from my sides to resting on my knees. I called it off after
that.
I'm thinking maybe if I go back to doing 'Morning Pages' from Julia
Cameron's "The Artists Way" maybe that'll help.
Interestingly enough, when I spoke to one of our members a couple
weeks ago though, I was doing much better then and I hadn't meditated.
She just told me about the assignment itself and I said something to
the effect of:
"I imagine I'd feel giddy! Ecstasy would run through me! Elation! I'd
Desire to stay with that person and not leave their side *I would of
course*, but the feelings of excitement and joy would be such that I
would Desire heartily to stay in their presence because I'd feel so
'up!!' when I was around them I wouldn't Desire the 'come down effect'
that happens."
For example: when I'm going to a concert I get excited!! I mean I wake
up after only 4 or 5 hours of sleep thinking I NEED to sleep longer
but can't because I'm so excited about what the night holds. I spend
all day waiting waiting waiting! The closer it gets the more euphoric
I get and by the time we're climbing out of my Dad's car and walking
towards the building I've got butterflies whooping in my stomach! I
hear the music pounding and people talking cluttered near the open
door and smell the cigarette smoke from the designated smoking area
outside and feel like sprinting past everyone into the building! When
we get in the first door and I'm standing with my ID out waiting to
have it checked and get a wristband put on it's almost too much for me
to bear! It's like my brain is on overload and almost shuts down as a
coping mechanism. It's almost too much. When we get our IDS' checked
and wristbands on and head inside I smell smoke and alcohol and hear
tons of hooting and hollering, some people are already drunk and
though I'm not a huge fan of being around drunk people the euphoria of
knowing I'll meet the band after they play outweighs any feeling of
discomfort or nervousness the drunk people would normally evoke in me.
Then there's being in the mosh pit itself, the feel of bodies on
bodies, but not slamming or crowd surfing. . . rather the people that
tend to cluster around me are more LIKE me so our bodies rub together
and bounce up and down and sway side to side together. It's like we're
moving as one person, one body, of one mind and one feeling! All is
forgotten, whether it's an aching ankle or the need for a bathroom,
whatever it is, I forget it. After the show is over I hit another even
higher state of euphoria waiting for the band to come out. I RUN to
the bathroom and pray the whole time that the line won't be too large
by the time I get there. While I needed the restroom, it's also
keeping me away from my true Desire, too be near the band, hug them,
shake their hands, thank them. In the case of a lead singer it's
keeping me from sharing more than just a 'hi' with them, keeping me
from connecting on a wildly deep level with them, hearing their voice,
touching and being touched by them *whether it be physically or
emotionally and it's almost always both*.
After the meet and greet as we're leaving, there's a part of me that
longs to do it all over again, too stay longer spend more time, get
closer. . .
So I write all this to say I imagine that is what being with my
soulmate would be like. Only, since I'd be with them forever, the ebb
and flow would be different. There would be concert highs brawn out
for weeks followed by a plateau for weeks or months followed by
another great high.
The plateau happens in the concert when a band comes out that I'm not
interested in. And as I said, when we're leaving part of me is longing
for it to never end. Another part of me goes into review mode and I
usually can't come home and go straight to sleep. I have to eat, to
relax to evaluate everything the singer said and everything I said.
As for that blasted psa, I know it had nothing to do with the
meditation at hand. . . however, if I felt like analyzing, and I do, I
analyze EVERYTHING, I'd say it represents my fear of intimacy, of
closeness, of dropping my guard to ANYONE who doesn't already know me.
The trick about me is: I can tell you anything and I mean ANYTHING.
Whether we're online or offline, I can tell you anything! But the next
time you call me I might not call back. The next time you write me, I
might not write back. So I run before you can run from me. I appear as
an open book and will tell anyone anything, but where as you might
think: "She really trusts me. I feel honored." I might be thinking:
"Ok, said too much, time to make a break for it!"
This doesn't always happen and it happens with women much less than
men, but it still happens.
my Desire was. . .
I managed to sit on the floor for a full 10 seconds or so before my
mind kicked in and I wasn't thinking about my soulmate.
I started thinking about my ear infection and whether it was
completely gone, that it was interesting that my doc put me on
steroids to 'dry me out' *I have fluid behind my eardrum so kept
hearing a whooshing sound in my ear* since I'd never heard of anyone
being put on steroids before for an ear infection. I'd already done a
course of antibiotics.
Anyway then I started thinking about this commercial break
80scommercialvault posted on youtube.com quite a while back.
The ad break is from MTV back in the 90's, and one of the commercials
is a public service announcement about drinking and driving. "Old
Ainsign" is playing, the car crashes and the narrator says: "Don't
play with death. . . don't drink and drive!"
Sidenote here, I'm fully blind, no light perception even, and have
been terrified of public service announcements since I was a little
girl. I mean terrified to the point of waking my mom or Dad up at 3AM
in a panic or refusing to get out of the bathtub until a scary psa got
over. In our old house the bathroom was just off the livingroom so I
could hear it from the tub.
I managed to push through the fear and even tried to hear my voice
saying: "I'd like to tell you a secret. . ." in line with imagining
telling my soulmate a secret about myself, thinking if I could imagine
myself saying the words I could pull myself back on track. No dice.
Then I started thinking about how hard my floor is, how I ought to
vacuum it soon, how my hands and feet are cold. . . their always cold
in this house! Dad keeps temps at around 70, and with our house being
so big the heat whether from the fireplace or the furnace doesn't warm
the entire house so the bedrooms are almost ALWAYS cold in the winter.
So cold that we all sleep with several blankets sheets and comforters
on our beds. I currently have flannel sheets and two comforters.
Then about my posture, I'm not sitting up FULLY straight. . . I moved
my arms from my sides to resting on my knees. I called it off after
that.
I'm thinking maybe if I go back to doing 'Morning Pages' from Julia
Cameron's "The Artists Way" maybe that'll help.
Interestingly enough, when I spoke to one of our members a couple
weeks ago though, I was doing much better then and I hadn't meditated.
She just told me about the assignment itself and I said something to
the effect of:
"I imagine I'd feel giddy! Ecstasy would run through me! Elation! I'd
Desire to stay with that person and not leave their side *I would of
course*, but the feelings of excitement and joy would be such that I
would Desire heartily to stay in their presence because I'd feel so
'up!!' when I was around them I wouldn't Desire the 'come down effect'
that happens."
For example: when I'm going to a concert I get excited!! I mean I wake
up after only 4 or 5 hours of sleep thinking I NEED to sleep longer
but can't because I'm so excited about what the night holds. I spend
all day waiting waiting waiting! The closer it gets the more euphoric
I get and by the time we're climbing out of my Dad's car and walking
towards the building I've got butterflies whooping in my stomach! I
hear the music pounding and people talking cluttered near the open
door and smell the cigarette smoke from the designated smoking area
outside and feel like sprinting past everyone into the building! When
we get in the first door and I'm standing with my ID out waiting to
have it checked and get a wristband put on it's almost too much for me
to bear! It's like my brain is on overload and almost shuts down as a
coping mechanism. It's almost too much. When we get our IDS' checked
and wristbands on and head inside I smell smoke and alcohol and hear
tons of hooting and hollering, some people are already drunk and
though I'm not a huge fan of being around drunk people the euphoria of
knowing I'll meet the band after they play outweighs any feeling of
discomfort or nervousness the drunk people would normally evoke in me.
Then there's being in the mosh pit itself, the feel of bodies on
bodies, but not slamming or crowd surfing. . . rather the people that
tend to cluster around me are more LIKE me so our bodies rub together
and bounce up and down and sway side to side together. It's like we're
moving as one person, one body, of one mind and one feeling! All is
forgotten, whether it's an aching ankle or the need for a bathroom,
whatever it is, I forget it. After the show is over I hit another even
higher state of euphoria waiting for the band to come out. I RUN to
the bathroom and pray the whole time that the line won't be too large
by the time I get there. While I needed the restroom, it's also
keeping me away from my true Desire, too be near the band, hug them,
shake their hands, thank them. In the case of a lead singer it's
keeping me from sharing more than just a 'hi' with them, keeping me
from connecting on a wildly deep level with them, hearing their voice,
touching and being touched by them *whether it be physically or
emotionally and it's almost always both*.
After the meet and greet as we're leaving, there's a part of me that
longs to do it all over again, too stay longer spend more time, get
closer. . .
So I write all this to say I imagine that is what being with my
soulmate would be like. Only, since I'd be with them forever, the ebb
and flow would be different. There would be concert highs brawn out
for weeks followed by a plateau for weeks or months followed by
another great high.
The plateau happens in the concert when a band comes out that I'm not
interested in. And as I said, when we're leaving part of me is longing
for it to never end. Another part of me goes into review mode and I
usually can't come home and go straight to sleep. I have to eat, to
relax to evaluate everything the singer said and everything I said.
As for that blasted psa, I know it had nothing to do with the
meditation at hand. . . however, if I felt like analyzing, and I do, I
analyze EVERYTHING, I'd say it represents my fear of intimacy, of
closeness, of dropping my guard to ANYONE who doesn't already know me.
The trick about me is: I can tell you anything and I mean ANYTHING.
Whether we're online or offline, I can tell you anything! But the next
time you call me I might not call back. The next time you write me, I
might not write back. So I run before you can run from me. I appear as
an open book and will tell anyone anything, but where as you might
think: "She really trusts me. I feel honored." I might be thinking:
"Ok, said too much, time to make a break for it!"
This doesn't always happen and it happens with women much less than
men, but it still happens.
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