Sunday, February 12, 2012

Week 1: Lesson 6, Imagining My Lover

I went into this late night meditation with a perfect memory of what
my Desire was. . .
I managed to sit on the floor for a full 10 seconds or so before my
mind kicked in and I wasn't thinking about my soulmate.
I started thinking about my ear infection and whether it was
completely gone, that it was interesting that my doc put me on
steroids to 'dry me out' *I have fluid behind my eardrum so kept
hearing a whooshing sound in my ear* since I'd never heard of anyone
being put on steroids before for an ear infection. I'd already done a
course of antibiotics.
Anyway then I started thinking about this commercial break
80scommercialvault posted on quite a while back.
The ad break is from MTV back in the 90's, and one of the commercials
is a public service announcement about drinking and driving. "Old
Ainsign" is playing, the car crashes and the narrator says: "Don't
play with death. . . don't drink and drive!"
Sidenote here, I'm fully blind, no light perception even, and have
been terrified of public service announcements since I was a little
girl. I mean terrified to the point of waking my mom or Dad up at 3AM
in a panic or refusing to get out of the bathtub until a scary psa got
over. In our old house the bathroom was just off the livingroom so I
could hear it from the tub.
I managed to push through the fear and even tried to hear my voice
saying: "I'd like to tell you a secret. . ." in line with imagining
telling my soulmate a secret about myself, thinking if I could imagine
myself saying the words I could pull myself back on track. No dice.
Then I started thinking about how hard my floor is, how I ought to
vacuum it soon, how my hands and feet are cold. . . their always cold
in this house! Dad keeps temps at around 70, and with our house being
so big the heat whether from the fireplace or the furnace doesn't warm
the entire house so the bedrooms are almost ALWAYS cold in the winter.
So cold that we all sleep with several blankets sheets and comforters
on our beds. I currently have flannel sheets and two comforters.
Then about my posture, I'm not sitting up FULLY straight. . . I moved
my arms from my sides to resting on my knees. I called it off after
I'm thinking maybe if I go back to doing 'Morning Pages' from Julia
Cameron's "The Artists Way" maybe that'll help.
Interestingly enough, when I spoke to one of our members a couple
weeks ago though, I was doing much better then and I hadn't meditated.
She just told me about the assignment itself and I said something to
the effect of:
"I imagine I'd feel giddy! Ecstasy would run through me! Elation! I'd
Desire to stay with that person and not leave their side *I would of
course*, but the feelings of excitement and joy would be such that I
would Desire heartily to stay in their presence because I'd feel so
'up!!' when I was around them I wouldn't Desire the 'come down effect'
that happens."
For example: when I'm going to a concert I get excited!! I mean I wake
up after only 4 or 5 hours of sleep thinking I NEED to sleep longer
but can't because I'm so excited about what the night holds. I spend
all day waiting waiting waiting! The closer it gets the more euphoric
I get and by the time we're climbing out of my Dad's car and walking
towards the building I've got butterflies whooping in my stomach! I
hear the music pounding and people talking cluttered near the open
door and smell the cigarette smoke from the designated smoking area
outside and feel like sprinting past everyone into the building! When
we get in the first door and I'm standing with my ID out waiting to
have it checked and get a wristband put on it's almost too much for me
to bear! It's like my brain is on overload and almost shuts down as a
coping mechanism. It's almost too much. When we get our IDS' checked
and wristbands on and head inside I smell smoke and alcohol and hear
tons of hooting and hollering, some people are already drunk and
though I'm not a huge fan of being around drunk people the euphoria of
knowing I'll meet the band after they play outweighs any feeling of
discomfort or nervousness the drunk people would normally evoke in me.
Then there's being in the mosh pit itself, the feel of bodies on
bodies, but not slamming or crowd surfing. . . rather the people that
tend to cluster around me are more LIKE me so our bodies rub together
and bounce up and down and sway side to side together. It's like we're
moving as one person, one body, of one mind and one feeling! All is
forgotten, whether it's an aching ankle or the need for a bathroom,
whatever it is, I forget it. After the show is over I hit another even
higher state of euphoria waiting for the band to come out. I RUN to
the bathroom and pray the whole time that the line won't be too large
by the time I get there. While I needed the restroom, it's also
keeping me away from my true Desire, too be near the band, hug them,
shake their hands, thank them. In the case of a lead singer it's
keeping me from sharing more than just a 'hi' with them, keeping me
from connecting on a wildly deep level with them, hearing their voice,
touching and being touched by them *whether it be physically or
emotionally and it's almost always both*.
After the meet and greet as we're leaving, there's a part of me that
longs to do it all over again, too stay longer spend more time, get
closer. . .
So I write all this to say I imagine that is what being with my
soulmate would be like. Only, since I'd be with them forever, the ebb
and flow would be different. There would be concert highs brawn out
for weeks followed by a plateau for weeks or months followed by
another great high.
The plateau happens in the concert when a band comes out that I'm not
interested in. And as I said, when we're leaving part of me is longing
for it to never end. Another part of me goes into review mode and I
usually can't come home and go straight to sleep. I have to eat, to
relax to evaluate everything the singer said and everything I said.
As for that blasted psa, I know it had nothing to do with the
meditation at hand. . . however, if I felt like analyzing, and I do, I
analyze EVERYTHING, I'd say it represents my fear of intimacy, of
closeness, of dropping my guard to ANYONE who doesn't already know me.
The trick about me is: I can tell you anything and I mean ANYTHING.
Whether we're online or offline, I can tell you anything! But the next
time you call me I might not call back. The next time you write me, I
might not write back. So I run before you can run from me. I appear as
an open book and will tell anyone anything, but where as you might
think: "She really trusts me. I feel honored." I might be thinking:
"Ok, said too much, time to make a break for it!"
This doesn't always happen and it happens with women much less than
men, but it still happens.

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