Sunday, December 9, 2012

Days 20/21 of the 21 Day Gratitude Challenge

Ok, So day 20/21 will be written together & these are the two things I needed to do: Reflect on the 21 days of The Gratitude Challenge and what this process has meant to you. Have confidence in all the choices you have made today and be grateful for being able to believe in yourself. I've actually found it hard to write these out, because they aren't 'write this/that down' speciffically. Lol. How do I write down confidence? How do I write down belief? But I know that reflection & belief all go together. At any rate, I'm still struggling with this blasted blog post 3 days on!!! What this challenge has meant to me?? It's meant blood, sweat & tears! It's meant confessing things that I haven't confessed openly. I may have said them to myself, but I didn't dare voice them aloud until this challenge. It's meant writing a heartfelt, painful, emotional letter to myself. It's meant realizing that, if I had to, I could live alone. I'm not really alone since I have my girls anyway, but it's meant that I could live with them & be alone in the sense of not having a partner, someone to share things with, if I had to. It's meant dropping old habits that don't serve me & releasing people who don't nourish, nurture or help me improve upon my positive foundation. It's meant facing the idea of a foreclosure head on & realizing that said foreclosure isn't MY problem, rather, my only problem is to figure out where I'll go with my girls if the need arises sooner rather then later. It's not a matter of if they'll foreclose on us *I've mentioned foreclosure before*, it's just a matter of when. & considering how I was raised, self sacrifice for the family & so on, it's taken me forever to realize that I won't take care of them, because its not my job to do so. That doesn't mean I don't care, or that I wouldn't let them stay with me if I had a house & they didn't. It simply means that in order to keep my girls with me, I MUST do what's best for me & that not only means growing & changing, part of growing & changing has meant letting go of some ideas that were drilled into my psyche from a very young age. Its meant letting go of my 'good girl image', not because I'm not a good girl, but because I'm a woman & its time for me to take care of me first & my family second. My girls are my family. All this time I'd been saying that I didn't have a family. Well, I do have a family & a mother, taking responsibility for herself & her children doesn't throw her hands up & allow someone to come in & take her girls away because she can't afford them, she fights to hold onto & provide for them. So I do have a family in Sadie & Kitty & I have to take care of them if I want to keep them with me as much as I say I do. I've learned that I'm NOT superhuman, nor do I want to be, I just thought I wanted to be. I thought I had to be for everyone else's sake. I've learned that I am good enough, just as I am, in this moment, I am good enough, tall enough, I weigh the right weight, for this moment. In several thousand moments from now, I may weigh less, but for this moment, I am where I need to be, working on me & doing what I need to do for myself. I was rather confident & felt great Saturday night when I went to my NP *NONPOINT* concert!!! It was one hell of a night, I must say!!! Flirtacious extraordinaires anyone??? Both of us were at the top of our game & we got each other completely!!! Getting my picture taken with him was the best part!! I drank a medium water & almost the entirety of a large Coke on the way home, Dad said I was dancing so hard during the show he thought I'd faint!! I didn't! Getting up & dancing whenever I felt like it all last week definitely helped my stamina Saturday night! & though I came home in pain & it only got worse Sunday/Monday *everything from my hips to my ribcage is on fire, & my knees kill every time I go from a standing to a sitting position*, it was worth every second of it! I didn't just dance, I did some punches I learned from my Holly & other things, so it wasn't 'just dancing', it was dancing!!! Lol. I also screamed my lungs out, Maria *from the band In This Moment* impressed me! It's not the band themselves, I'll be honest, their more metal then melodic & she doesn't have the best voice or anything like that, it was just seeing her up there! Seeing her up there was like watching President Obama win the election! I, as a woman & a half Mexican woman, a blind woman, thought: 'Man!! He did it! He really did it & if he can do it, I can to!' It was that way seeing Maria up there. So when E came out, it was no holes barred, ovaries out, pure insanity! I shook my fists when a song had particular meaning & I shredded my vocal chords like Maria had when it was warranted, & I let loose & unleashed in a way that I hadn't until then! Very shocking considering all the concert experiences i've had & all the times I've already thought: 'It won't get any better/enlightning then this! There's no room for improvement!' & I was wrong! The only thing that would have made it better?? Seeing E again after the show was over!!! Lol!! I was sensual, sexual, thrilling & amazing that night & he new it! I could feel it on his end as well & we made beautiful music together despite the fact we didn't actually make beautiful music together! Lol!! To the Gratitude Challenge: I shall see you again, in the near future! Love, Chelle

No comments:

Post a Comment