Originally Posted: Date: Thu, 2 Dec 2010 22:31:42 -0500
*Written to my mother as a little girl, because my little girl self &
her little girl self somehow became entangled* & it's time to drop
This is Michelle here, you know me as Lisa, for that is how I was
born. Well, I'm not Lisa anymore, I'm Michelle. This is Big Michelle,
the adult version of myself & I need to talk to you. What I am about
to say will hurt, & for that I am sorry, but K has made it exceedingly
difficult for me to stay connected with her, therefore, I must also
drop childhood connections with you in order to release myself fully.
You have been sexually abused, your mother *the grandmother* hasn't
been much of a mother to you at all, but she's all you have. Your
father *the grandfather* hasn't been much of one either. He left when
you were tiny & actually tried to pay your mother to take you back.
First & foremost, know that I have always seen & heard you, that's
what makes this break so difficult & painful & yet necessary. Not only
have I seen & heard you, I have always loved & cared for you. When I
was born in fact, K tried to ensure that I would worship & adore her
so I wouldn't abandon her. In doing so, that's how Baby Michelle & you
met & became so tightly bonded. K would tell me that I had no
understanding of her life circumstances, but truth be told, I had to
good of an understanding.
Secondly, know that I don't blame, hate or resent you in any way. You
are a child, just as Baby Michelle is & I could never blame you for
any of this.
I wish I had inspiring words for you but I don't. K hasn't tried to
change her life. She is happy with a less than boyfriend whose been
nothing but mean to her. She is happy with the way her life is & for
whatever reason, she doesn't intend to change, even after her
diagnosis of Scleroderma & the threat of losing me *supposedly the
best thing she ever did in her life* having loomed large & officially
come to pass.
What I can tell you is this. I always saw & heard you loud & clear. I
loved you endlessly & would have done anything for you. In fact, I
still wish there was something I could do for you, but we aren't one
in the same anymore.
I promise to remember the good that came out of our relationship & the
great lessons you've taught me. I hope you will do the same.
& always remember, YOU ARE beautiful, inside & out.
Goodbye Little Girl,
I love you.
Big Michelle & Baby Michelle
"Something in the way. . .
Hmmm. . .
Something in the way. . .
Hmmmm. . ."
--Kurt Cobain "Something In The Way"
"Pain? You don't know what pain is!!"--Author Unknown