The Phone Call
A few years ago it was my brother I used for this.
This year I'm going to use some one else who's played an equally
important role in my life though I never met him.
I just wanted to call Heaven's Line and tell you how much I appreciate
everything you've done for me. Back in 89 when "BLEACH" came out I was
only 3 and when "NEVERMIND" busted down the doors of the establishment
in 91 I was only 5.
By 1993 when IN UTERO came out I was 7 and the day you died I was 8
years, 2 months and 23 days old. To young to have seen "SMELLS LIKE
TEEN SPIRIT" when it first debuted or "UNPLUGGED. . ." when you first
In fact, it didn't stick in my head fully,you didn't, until I
celebrated my 11th BDay in 1997 nearly 2 and a half weeks late because
my Great Grandmother had died bearly a week after my actual BDay came
on the 14th of January.
At any rate, you've made a lasting impression on me.
I used to fall asleep with "UNPLUGGED. . ." spinning on repeat. It was
the first CD of yours I ever owned. "NEVERMIND" was the first tape of
yours I ever owned. "UNPLUGGED. . ." came from Walmart *go figure*,
and "NEVERMIND" came from FYE in Fashion Square mall.
Naturally I remember the music, but what I remember more is you.
I've written tons and tons of these
how-KURT-COBAIN-came-to-be-in-my-life stories before, so I'll spear
I'm calling to say thank you!!
Because as I said, it was you that got me, even more than the music
ever could have.
I know I know, calm down. I can hear your frantic breathing, can
practically see you jumping up and down shouting about how it's the
But for me, it was your message.
I needed to hear it more than you'll ever know and that's what I want
to thank you for.
Thank you for holding my hand.
Thank you for listening to me vent and scream and cry.
Thank you for being my shoulder to lean on and my body to squeeze when
I needed some one.
Thank you for holding me on your lap in that dream I had when I was
thinking SERIOUSLY *as if all the other times weren't or haven't been
serious since then* about killing myself.
Thank you for rubbing my back and stroking my hair and telling me it
was going to be alright.
Thank you for telling me to hang in there and stick it out.
Thank you for never judging me!
Thank you for always loving and respecting me.
Thank you for giving me a soundtrack to destroy things to and laugh to
and Self-Pleasure to and dance to!
Thank you for coming to my aid again when I came up not just with a
plan but an actual date for suicide this last time.
Thank you for inspiring SHAUN MORGAN to pick up a guitar!!
The Man is a genius and he wouldn't be here if you hadn't come before him.
Thank you for casting your looooooooong shadow over all these years.
Thank you for giving me faith and some one to believe in.
Thank you for leaving such a vast amount of performances behind.
I'll always wish there was more, but I am eternally Greatful.
Thank you for everything,
I love you. . .
Hugest of hugs.