Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Dear Baby Michelle

Originally Posted: Date: Thu, 2 Dec 2010 23:09:27 -0500

Dear Baby Michelle,
It's Big Michelle here! Think of me as your twin sister, your mother,
however you'd like. Truth is, I've been all those things & more.
There are so many things you need to know, I'm not even sure where to begin.
You were born with a birthdefect *a Tessier Cleft* that has left you
needing several dozen surgeries to fix it. The Cleft went through your
cheekbones, into your nose & eyes, also leaving you blind. You have
this cute indentation on your left arm just above the elbow where the
bands burst that were holding you in K's womb & you flew out like a
shot! It took two docs pulling & K pushing, & when you did come out,
you literally flew into the world! Doc number 2 caught you, otherwise
it would have been quite the crash landing for you!. Just between you
& me, your the only one I know of who FLEW into the world, so there
you are! If anyone else comes along & says they flew into the world,
we'll just smile cutely & agree, knowing all the while that we're the
only ones who could fly into this world PROPERLY! Everyone knows
there's a wrong way & a right way, & honey, we did it!! You know why
we did it? Because as Dad likes to say, we're the coolest! Speaking of
Dad, he's your mentor. He's the one you look up to, aspire to be like
& adore more then anything in this world. K will be jealous, pay her
no mind Babygirl, it's just her way. You won't change her because she
doesn't want to be changed. At 5 a little sister will come along. I
know you're jealous, but at that age, their cute anyway. It's only
when they grow up that you really start wishing you could kill them!
Trust me, I know! Daddy will quit playing with you so much, & I know
that'll hurt. With K not really paying you any mind either, it'll feel
super isolating, but we'll get through it. K will also hate the
grandmother. When she was little, the grandmother wasn't very nice to
her & she gets angry because the grandmother is nice to you. Again,
this to shall pass. It won't be easy but I'm holding your hand all the
way. People will follow you through the store, they'll pretend to look
at things on the shelves, but really be looking at you. This will be
your first lesson in feeling like an odity. You AREN'T an odity! You
ARE perfect! You have everything you need to get along in this world,
you just won't realize it for a looong time to come. K & Daddy will
separate not long after you turn 3. It will hurt Babygirl, the most
pain you'll ever feel at that age & one of the most painful things in
your life, but you will be safe! Daddy loves you & I love you & we'll
come through it! Second thing you need to know about this, THIS ISN'T
YOUR FAULT!! There is nothing you could have done, nothing you didn't
do, this isn't about you! It's about K & Daddy & some things their
going through. You are innocent, just a baby caught up in the mess
that was their marriage, but that's it.
You'll have lots of friends during elementary school, but they won't
last & they aren't true friends. You'll also have your first
experience of getting bullied & beaten up. It will feel like at home
when K & Daddy fight, *though it isn't often that they fight*, like
there's noone to protect you, noone to love or care for you, but I'm
always here! I love you, I protect you, I take care of you!
Speaking of the fights, I won't lie, their going to be very scarry for
you. One time while their drinking, Daddy will end up with a broken
leg. He tripped over the baby's potty chair, fell into the tub & his
leg never got unstuck from the potty chair, so it smashes against the
big toilet & breaks. Another time, you'll have to pull him off K when
she's crying & is unable to breathe. She'll be angry at you for
calling help during that first fight. When you try to tell her Daddy's
leg is broken, she won't listen. She'll scream at you, accuse you of
trying to get her arrested. *They won't even come out to the house*
The next morning, when your post traumatic stress disorder begins, &
you're afraid to go to the bathroom by yourself, she'll tell you to
either go in there or suffer! You'll cry hysterically, but you'll go.
There'll be a fight when your 4 wherein you bite her breast because
she's trying to choke Daddy while your sitting on his lap. Again,
everything will be okay. This just is, but it will pass when you get
older. When they have the fight where Daddy breaks his leg, baby
sister will be along by then & it'll be your job to protect her.
You'll put her in the cage with your cat Tigger & explain to her that
he's afraid to & she needs to stay with him so he won't be afraid.
Don't worry, you'll get all the bad memories, she won't remember a
thing. As far as the fight when your older & have to pull Daddy off K,
that one isn't as traumatic for you for whatever reason. Sure it's NOT
cool, but you won't be filled with fear like you were as a little
girl. Right then & there shows that you are growing up & learning to
handle situations that aren't good. However, you'll feel unsafe,
afraid, terrified really & between that & the flashbacks your still
getting when you go to the bathroom by yourself at night about Daddy &
his broken leg, you'll feel like nothing is safe in this world, like
there is no safe place. No matter how it feels though, know that
whether its family or bullies, you ARE SAFE! I've always got our back
& I'm always looking out for us!
To be continued my sweet. . .
Big Michelle

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