Originally Posted: Date: Wed, 1 Dec 2010 23:23:26 -0500
Anyone have any ideas as to what this post might be about??? Show of
hands. . . If you said emotions, good for you!
I read an article in Psychology Today on Monday I believe that said 2
of the most common reason for depression around the holidays was to
high of expectations & dreading being surrounded by people you don't
want to be surrounded by.
Well, we can cross number 2 off the list immediately, I've already put
a stop to that, not just in my head, but in the blog post I wrote on
Thanksgiving. I like my blog, because alot of times it gives me the
chance to finalize things on the page *as it were* that I've already
long since figured out in my head.
As for number 1, I wouldn't say that I have to high of expectations,
unless wishing I could get at least half as excited as I did when I
was a little girl about Christmas is asking for too much. Oddly
enough, most of the things that got me excited when I was young were
baking, getting the tree & decorating it & the like. After my parents
divorced, that just kind of shattered *the rest of the way*. The
beginning of the end was when I found out there was no Santa Claus.
Talk about a kick in the teeth! Where the hell's the magic???? As I
said, the divorce just kind of 'sealed the deal'. I really don't want
much though. I do want a tree so it feels like Christmas. For me, I
NEED a tree. I think it's more about having nature inside then it is
about the tree itself, though there's nothing like the scent of REAL
pine wafting by! Air fresheners smell just as cheap & fake as they are
expensive to buy! Lol. Then there's the gifts. . . What I'd really
like is a vacation! A real, true, vacation! One where I'm not going to
the hospital for surgery & calling that 'vacation'. Which I have done
many times! & what's worse, it is a vacation from my family, which to
be blunt, I like. However, I want a vacation by the ocean, with fake
snow *strictly for Christmas morning* so I can go play in it & by the
afternoon be sunning myself on the beach, spread out like a lioness
purring happily after a great meal! Instead I've got this stupid
foreclosure hanging around & family whom I can enjoy when their being
quiet *which is almost never* & whom I want to kill when they aren't
being quiet *which is most of the time*!!!
Then I read Lissa's post tonight about being pissed off at doctors.
I've been wanting to get into healthcare. Not necessarily as a doctor,
but just hearing her stories makes me want to rethink my career
asperations & decide instead to hide in an office building somewhere!
Truth is though, I don't want a damn office job! I'm a people person,
not a behind the desk person! *That's definitely NOT an insult to
people who are working in an office, if that's where they like to be,
that's great! Their part of the economy to after all*! However, that's
not where I see myself. So now I'm wondering what next? Do I go for
healthcare & risk putting someone's eye out with my intolerance for
verbal/emotional abuse? Or do I reconsider & end up in nowhere? I only
write that, because that's where I'd be. I'd love to be a prosecutor
*in theory*, but I couldn't sleep at night if I put the wrong man away
or let the wrong woman get off. Alternately, I couldn't be a judge for
the same reason. The same convictions I hold strongly are the same
ones that wouldn't let me sleep at night if I became part of the
justice system. As a cop I'd feel things to deeply & take them to
personally. Part of this is my own makeup. I feel to deeply, get
attached to easily, love to freely, & get banged around every freakin
time! On some days, I can tolerate the banging. On nights like
tonight, its to loud & I wish I could just shut it out!
Truth is, Lissa's posts *some of them* are just hitting on pain I've
felt for years but haven't dealt with properly. Everything does that.
I DO NOT listen to country music, unless I want to cry in fact,
because in my life, that's all its good for. I do truly like some of
it, maybe even love a bit of it, but I don't listen to it.
Alternately, I used to listen to the rap my brother passed down, but
again, since he died last September, I rarely listen to it. Seems like
rock music is my only solace & some of the songs in that genre make me
cry to, the difference is I suppose, that I love the singers/songs so
much, I'm willing to motor through the pain as it were. I'm listening
to Nirvana's "Unplugged . . ." album at the moment to write this.
Haven't listened to it in a while & figured something soft would help
the writing process along. Not to mention there's to many stupid
commercials on the radio station! Blah! & my satellite radio isn't
working cuz it's snowing!
I've made alot of developments, changes & improvements over the past
few months. Making those improvements has left the door open for a ton
of new things to come in, & it seems the pain wants to be heard now,
but I'm fighting it, at least as much as I can. Not unlike everything
else, I want things my way before I let loose this torrent of despair
I've been burying. That means parents OUT! Kids at school! Sister &
her boyfriend GONE! Not here where they'll all hear, but pretend to
ignore me. Or alternately wonder what is wrong with me & why I'm not
happy! It's not a matter of being unhappy, thanks to Amy
*Mamamorphosis* I've learned that happy & sad can coexist, which is
great! As long as the sadness doesn't want to get to loud & override
the happiness! It's actually driven me to wishing I was alone, which
is something I never would have believed possible a few weeks ago
even! One of those WTF??? moments. Lol!
But I am happy, I'm just sad to. Or in agony is more like it. Talking
to Kimberly a couple weeks ago *Love Your Ass Naked, Eat Chocolate
Naked Week*, made me realize that I'm supergood at faking it &
compartmentalizing. What I mean: When my parents marriage fell apart,
I did a fake mope for a few weeks while my sister & Dad SINCERELY
moped. Then I started pulling us up by our boot straps. I was running
around the house one day in spring/summer singing: 'Doot doot doo doo
doot doo!' & Dad said: 'Why don't you pass along some of that?' I
smiled, but what I was thinking was: 'What the hell do you think I'm
trying to do? Does it look like I'm doing this for my health???' In my
room I was in anger mode & with Holly I bawled like a baby *some*, but
some was better then none. My parents were married on october 24 1980.
The divorce papers arrived October 25th 2004 & were finalized in April
of 2005. A year after their divorce my sister & I were talking & I
tried to say: 'When mom left' I couldn't say it. I just burst into
tears & spent 5 minutes trying to control it. So I had done a great
job of faking my way through the pain & after talking with Kimberly, I
realized that again. I'm at a crossroads. I can either deal with my
pain this time, or bury it again. Unlike some who can just get up &
walk outside though, or go for a drive, I have nowhere to go. I either
release it here in my room in bits *like I've already been doing*, or
I give it up completely until I move out on my own. I really don't
want to do either. What I want is for everyone to go away so I can
have the house to myself! Lol. It's hard enough getting them out for
school though & Dad isn't working at the moment. I have no place to go
myself, & if I went to Holly's, I'd want it to be fun & enjoyable for
both of us, not me playing the misery chick & her kindly welcoming my
crap into her household. She's done that ALOT over the years & I'd
rather be in a position to return the favor then place more of a
burden on her. Besides this crap comes on a whim & pops up at the most
inopportune times, like now! It's 11:03 here! I wish I could knock
myself out sometimes & wake up happy! Lol. Just take the pain right
off the table until things are conducive to me letting it out. I
wouldn't be comfortable, am not comfortable releasing here, which is
why I try so hard not to. However, that meant before that I was faking
& now, that I'm only expressing MOST of myself & not all of myself.
Plus putting it on the backburner has made it snowball into this thing
it is now.
It's not just one pain. It's pain about losing my brother, my parents
divorce, my surgeries, not having the man I want, not having the
freedom I want. . . So it's all rolled up into this giant pain ball &
there's nothing for me to do but kick it around! In circles & here
comes the Pain ball again! Around the track & it connects with my
heart! Boom & we're off again! Pain 9, Michelle 0! Oh, wait! Think
there's going to be a development here! I was right! Michelle yanks a
piece off & it's Pain 8 & Michelle 5! If she can just get this next
chunk she'll have a shot at the Major Leagues! Seriously, it's
ridiculous! Hopefully I've made someone laugh at my expense though!
I'm good for laughs, no matter the time or place!
& finally, what's worse: I become very needy for attention when I'm in
this mode & I rarely get it. Parents aren't hugging, friend isn't
answering the phone *or I just don't call because I used to call too
much*, & online friends aren't around or whatever & even when they
are, I can't call them or get a hug so that leaves the option to post
a response here, but that's hit or miss. Sometimes I get a response,
other times I don't. I've been working on taking care of myself,
MYSELF, but the truth is, I'm not very good at it because I HAVE been
taking care of myself, MYSELF, for way to long, just emotionally & not
physically. Tonight is one of those needy nights, so I apologize in
*How funny is that??* Kurt Cobain just happens to be singing: "All
Apologies"! I love it when the timing works out, even when I don't
I'll post a few responses to other blogs, maybe get a bath & head to
bed where I belong. By the time I wake up, I'll have erased all this &
it won't matter!
I love you all & goodnight!